When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully

Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"

Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."


Me: "Police identify yourself"

Trooper: "State Police"

Me: "Police"

Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?

…Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.

It's that easy!

Followed the instructions for my password but they didn’t work

It said, “Type Password”

So I entered, “Password”

Then it told me, “Your Password is Incorrect”

So I entered, “Incorrect”

To which it said, “Try Again”

So I typed, “Again”

But now for some reason I can’t do anything because it thinks my account name is “Lock...

Instructions how to fall down stairs:

Step 1

Step 2

Step 4

Step 14

When I have a headache, I take an Advil and follow the instructions on the bottle:



"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"



(based on Kauffman, G. and Blakeley M. eds. 1980. Pulling Our Own Strings. Page 51)

My girlfriend asked for instructions on how to give a good handjob. So I told her:

1. Put it in your mouth.

Instructions unclear

The first time I tried to bake a cake I followed the instructions to the letter, but it was a disaster — I almost burned the house down. The fireman told me that when it said to grease the bottom of the pan they really meant the inside of the pan.

A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...

A got a job helping write an instruction booklet

It’s mostly manual labor.

When all the animals left the ark, Noah gave them instructions as they departed:

To the Aardvarks, he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

A couple snakes came slithering out, and he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

"We can't, we're adders." replied the snakes.

Well Noah kept giving commands, until at last he told the zebras, "Go forth and multiply!" ...

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

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Why was Hitler bad at giving instructions?

Because three Reichs don't make a left

Instruction

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad: “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just ...

I just found a monopoly set without instructions.

What are the chances?

Forgot to read the instructions on my new eyeliner

Guess I’ll have to make it up

Which board game instruction manual is the Torah?

Jumanji

I bought a new stick of deodorant today and the instructions say to remove the top and push up bottom

I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely

A man tells his bartender, "I gave my wife instructions that I wanted to be cremated."

"She got me an appointment for next Tuesday."

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what th...

I was sharing with a friend my opinion that women should come with instructions.

She replied, "Why? It's not like men read the instructions anyway."

What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine?

Shake well before use.

Yall know the one with the airplane safety instruction ?

A business man has to go over sees on a business related trip so he has to take a plane for the firs time in his life . He goes through the whole process and boards the plane sitting down . The safety instruction begins and the flight attendant begin to explain " If any of the engines fail , do not...

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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

Instructions how to make money with your Facebook account:

1. Open settings

2. Delete your account

3. Start working

I bought a package with pre-measured ingredients to make Vietnamese soup, but the instructions were so hard to follow I gave up.

No surprise, I guess--it was called PhoKit.

Instructions for falling down the stairs:

Step 1, step 6, step 7, step 8, step 12.

How did the deaf teacher give his deaf students their homework instructions?

He assigned it

If I had to use one word to describe myself, it would be

Bad at following instructions.

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I spent $75 on a penis enlarger

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
Instructions said, “Do not use in sunlight.”

I read the instruction manual for my new watch

It was about time

Simple instructions from an English teacher for a great essay.

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Don't abbrev.
3. Personally, in my opinion, a writer or essayist should not make use of too many words or phrases which he does not necessarily need in many cases.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. Dont, use, commas, when they are, unnecessary.
6. Ke...

Vegan cooking instructions

How regular people read cooking instructions: dip the chicken breast in whisked egg.

How vegans read cooking instructions: dip the flayed carcass of the mother in the embryonic fluid of the child.

Instructions for cleaning the toilet

**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl a...

My girlfriend got me a mood ring the other day but it didn't come with instructions. So far we know that if I'm in a good mood, it's green...

and if I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on her forehead.

Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business

Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions

The instructions said if my erection lasts longer than four hours to see a doctor...

My calculus professor was no help at all.

Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop

to get a small
9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running
amok, I did as she had instructed.
When the hyst...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

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A young Doctor opened a small office to provide care to an Indian reservation.

One day, an Indian arrives to the office, looks at the Doctor and says:

*-Big Chief. No poop.*

The Doctor smiles. He says: -*Say no more!*

He opens a cabinet and takes a small bottle with a Syrup. He gives it to the Indian with easy instructions:

*-Tell the Chief he nee...

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A blonde was at home getting dinner ready...

Her husband walks in and says,"Hi honey I'm home.By the way,there were these three blondes,right?And they were walking down the...

"Wait a minute,stop right there."she interrupts."This isn't another dumb blonde joke is it?"

He replies,"Well,yes it is.Anyhow,they were...

She aga...

A guy goes to his doctor for elbow pain...

The doctor gives him a specimen cup and requests a urine sample. “But doc, I’ve got elbow pain, why do you need a urine sample?”
Doc assures him,”we have the latest in technology, just go to the men’s room and give me a sample”, which he does. The doctor pours it in the top of a complex analysis ...

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

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3 men go to Kmart to buy condoms..

...the first one is 75 years old. He asks one of the clerks which aisle the condoms can be found. She tells him Aisle 5. When he gets to Aisle 5 he sees another clerk, a very attractive female, putting boxes of condoms on the shelf. She asks him if she can help him. He explains he would like to buy ...

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Ping Pong Balls

Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield.

They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down ...

Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

Karen one day called a men's club looking for her husband...

Karen: Hello, is my husband there?

Manager: I'm sorry, he is not here.

Karen about to hang up realised something

Karen: I realised I haven't mentioned his name, how do you know whose wife I am?

Manager: It doesn't matter ma'am. All the husbands give out the same instructi...

Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.

The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t buil...

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A teacher and his students are in the Anatomy class.

It's the first class of the semester, and everyone is eager to learn.

The professor starts "The first thing one has to do to become a good doctor is to be a good observant. The second one is to never, ever feel disgusted by anything."

After this observation, the teacher leads the stud...

How can we confuse the Chinese Government?

Make our military blueprints in the form of Ikea instructions.

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