When I have a headache, I take an Advil and follow the instructions on the bottle:

​

"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

​

(based on Kauffman, G. and Blakeley M. eds. 1980. Pulling Our Own Strings. Page 51)

My girlfriend asked for instructions on how to give a good handjob. So I told her:

1. Put it in your mouth.

A got a job helping write an instruction booklet

It’s mostly manual labor.

When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully

Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"

Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."


Me: "Police identify yourself"

Trooper: "State Police"

Me: "Police"

Instructions unclear

The first time I tried to bake a cake I followed the instructions to the letter, but it was a disaster — I almost burned the house down. The fireman told me that when it said to grease the bottom of the pan they really meant the inside of the pan.

A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...

What does a Spanish-speaking guitar say when it’s given instructions?

C Major

When all the animals left the ark, Noah gave them instructions as they departed:

To the Aardvarks, he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

A couple snakes came slithering out, and he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

"We can't, we're adders." replied the snakes.

Well Noah kept giving commands, until at last he told the zebras, "Go forth and multiply!" ...

Why was Hitler bad at giving instructions?

Because three Reichs don't make a left

Instruction

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad: “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just ...

Forgot to read the instructions on my new eyeliner

Guess I’ll have to make it up

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

Which board game instruction manual is the Torah?

Jumanji

A man tells his bartender, "I gave my wife instructions that I wanted to be cremated."

"She got me an appointment for next Tuesday."

Instructions how to fall down stairs:

Step 1

Step 2

Step 4

Step 14

I just found a monopoly set without instructions.

What are the chances?

I bought a new stick of deodorant today and the instructions say to remove the top and push up bottom

I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely

Yall know the one with the airplane safety instruction ?

A business man has to go over sees on a business related trip so he has to take a plane for the firs time in his life . He goes through the whole process and boards the plane sitting down . The safety instruction begins and the flight attendant begin to explain " If any of the engines fail , do not...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The FBI had an opening for an assassin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what th...

Instructions how to make money with your Facebook account:

1. Open settings

2. Delete your account

3. Start working

I was sharing with a friend my opinion that women should come with instructions.

She replied, "Why? It's not like men read the instructions anyway."

What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine?

Shake well before use.

I bought a package with pre-measured ingredients to make Vietnamese soup, but the instructions were so hard to follow I gave up.

No surprise, I guess--it was called PhoKit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

Instructions for falling down the stairs:

Step 1, step 6, step 7, step 8, step 12.

If I had to use one word to describe myself, it would be

Bad at following instructions.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I spent $75 on a penis enlarger

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
Instructions said, “Do not use in sunlight.”

How did the deaf teacher give his deaf students their homework instructions?

He assigned it

I read the instruction manual for my new watch

It was about time

Simple instructions from an English teacher for a great essay.

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Don't abbrev.
3. Personally, in my opinion, a writer or essayist should not make use of too many words or phrases which he does not necessarily need in many cases.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. Dont, use, commas, when they are, unnecessary.
6. Ke...

Instructions for cleaning the toilet

**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl a...

I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows

They are way over my head

My girlfriend got me a mood ring the other day but it didn't come with instructions. So far we know that if I'm in a good mood, it's green...

and if I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on her forehead.

Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business

Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions

Vegan cooking instructions

How regular people read cooking instructions: dip the chicken breast in whisked egg.

How vegans read cooking instructions: dip the flayed carcass of the mother in the embryonic fluid of the child.

The instructions said if my erection lasts longer than four hours to see a doctor...

My calculus professor was no help at all.

When I'm down, I read shelving assembly instructions.

Shelf help books make me feel better.

Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop

to get a small
9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running
amok, I did as she had instructed.
When the hyst...

A boy is preparing his suit in a hotel room alone.

But he doesn’t know how to tie his bow tie. Unable to figure it out he asks the man at the room next door if he can. The man says, “Sure, just lay down on the bed.” The boy is hesitant but in a rush so he follows his instructions. The man hovers over him and quickly ties the bow tie. The boy sits up...

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Ho...

St. Peter decides he wants a day off from the Pearly Gates, so he asks Jesus to fill in for him.

“Your job is simple,” says St. Peter. “Whenever someone approaches the gates, you ask them about their accomplishments in life. If their answer satisfies you, you let them in to Heaven. If not, they get sent to Hell.” Jesus thinks this sounds simple enough, and he agrees.

Before too long, a m...

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.


“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”


When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds....

A husband and wife are visiting the wife’s family during the holidays.

Her mother is a stickler for her food intake, and will only eat organic and fresh foods. The husband goes to the store with specific instructions on the type of foods to buy. “Excuse me,” the man asks the grocer, “are these vegetables sprayed with any harmful chemicals or pesticides that could kill ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ping Pong Balls

Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield.

They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down ...

3 Native Americans Americans are living in the wilderness together.

One of them is extremely smart, one is average, and one is extremely stupid. One day, it is the extremely smart one’s turn to catch and cook dinner. He goes out and comes back with a bear. The other two are astounded and ask, “How did you catch this bear?” The extremely smart one replies, “I see tra...

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father is concerned about his son being 25 and still being a virgin

"Son, take this Walkie Talkie, go to the bar and find a pretty girl. Once you do, tell me and I will give you further instructions"

The son does as his father commands and finds a pretty girl in the bar

"Dad, I found a very pretty girl, what do I do now? "

"Sit next to her and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:

" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"

The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories

" Alright Mr thoothill, this supposi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

What's the difference between Iron man and Iron women?

One is a super hero, the others a simple instruction.

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW Stupid frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whisper...