Steer clear if you don't like cow puns

Why are cows the most forgiving animals?
Because forgiveness is bovine.
Alternatively: because they're always ready to turn the udder cheek.

Why is it best to hug a cow right after it eats?
Because then it's extra cuddly.

I knew this guy whose favorite thing was to cover a ...

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What do you call a herd of steers masturbating?

Beef strokinoff

Did you hear about the terrorist who was charged for putting a pound of C4 into a steer?

Abombinabull!!

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

The defendant is accused of putting a stick of dynamite into a steer.

Abombinabull.

A steamboat captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living, but all the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job, he asked the pilot to let him take the helm...

"Okay..." said the pilot. "But you must pass a small test first. If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?"

"Turn to port!" said the boy.

"Correct!" said the pilot.

"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?"
...

If you're turning left with your car, which wheel steers less?

The spare one! :P

What do you call a Steer playing with itself?

Beef Stroganoff

What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?

Abominable!

(say it out loud, slowly)

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My steer got constipated the other day...

...No bullshit.

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A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”

The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the whe...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airpo...

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Did I ever tell you about my friend who bought experimental AI shoes?

He always stayed out late drinking and partying and most mornings he woke up god knows where, no wallet or phone, completely lost and stranded.

One day he met a man at a bar, they got talking and the man told him about these new shoes his company was developing; no matter how out of it you we...

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Will I make it to 85?

On his 70th birthday a man retired and moved to Florida to enjoy his golden years. Settling in, he found a new doctor. At his first wellness exam the doctor told him,

“You’re doing reasonably well for your age.”

A little concerned by the comment, the man pushed further, “Will I make i...

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Ashley was a sorority girl at a New York college.

During Spring Break, she planned a trip to Texas. She told her sorority sisters that she had three goals: to eat real Texas barbecue, to see a real rodeo, and to have sex with a real cowboy.

When she returned from her trip, she told her sisters all about it. One asked if she had eaten real...

Sam and his wife

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was ...

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"Blood is thicker than water"

I just reply, "So is horse shit and I try to steer clear of that as well."

Just a warning.

**If anyone tries to sell you a transparent driving wheel, steer clear.**

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I met a guy at the pub,... (long)

I met a guy at the pub, who was experimenting with AI and shoes. He had designed himself a pair of shoes that would learn where you live and where you go regularly and if you ever get lost the shoes would be able to guide you home.

He found out the best use for them was to get him home after ...

Two goldfish are in a tank

One says to the other one, “How do you steer this thing?”

Lawyer joke

There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the...

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Little Johnny is sitting in class

And the teacher is going over the alphabet. Knowing the kind of kid Johnny is, the teacher is careful about when to pick him to answer a question. "We will be going over the alphabet today so let's start with the letter A. Can someone tell me a word that starts with A?" asked the teacher. Every hand...

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A depressed man walks into a bar...

A depressed man walks into a bar. Not just any bar though, this bar is located on the 112th floor of a skyscraper. The depressed man, dragging his head, sits down and with a slight sob in his voice asks the bar tender for his cheapest whiskey.
A tall, somewhat nerdy looking gentleman sitting near...

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Translated joke from a south Asian language.

I tried my best. I'm pulling this from memory. Changed a lot of stuff, and added a buttload of new things to make this seem as normal as possible. Enjoy!

> The cops arrest a truck driver for running over 50 people. They take him to the interrogation room and start questioning him. After a ...

A woman almost drove into me today

I called her a cow because she couldn't steer.

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I disagree with artificial intelligence...

My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored j...

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A German taxi driver was on his shift...

He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament.

A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: "So, how do you like our country?" The guy answers: "Oh, it's great. But ...

Two Nuns riding home from church on a tandem bicycle...

Suddenly the nun in front steers the bike down a very bumpy road - not their normal rout.

Curious, the nun on the back asks, "Have you come this way before, sister?"

Nun in front replies, "Yes... I think it's the *cobblestones!"*

New dad as of today, so here is my first dad joke.

What do you call it when you accidentally butcher your heifer instead of your steer? A Ms. Steak.

So farmer Bob had a rivalry with farmer Jim.

They were both cattle farmers but Jim's herd was much larger and fatter, and his meat went for much more money. So bob started looking for a way to bulk up his cows. He started experimenting. Eventually he discovered that feeding them marijuana made them grow exponentially, while also making them mo...

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A collection of jokes I created when I was 11. Prepare for the wittiest jokes you will ever hear.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I've had an accident!
Doctor: The restrooms are down the hall.

What did the old tornado use to walk?
A hurri-cane!

What's the strongest shellfish?
A mussel!

What kind of fish do you find in a mine?
A goldfish!

Why did the puck ...

A woman gives birth to twins

An old fisherman and his wife settle down and decide to have some kids. The wife ends up giving birth to twins, both boys. Eventually as the babies grow the couple notice that the two never face the same way. Wherever one of them looks the other is always facing the opposite direction, no matter wha...

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This joke was recently voted best in Finland.

It's a pretty new and modern one, but it's still funny:

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with teams of 8. Both teams trained hard and long. On the day of the competition, both teams thought themselves to be in top condition, but the Japanese wo...

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A man walks into a hotels bar and sees an obviously very rich man sitting at the bar...

So he walks up to the guy sits down next to him orders a drink and casually strikes up a conversation. He eventually steers the increasingly drunk rich man to a conversation about ridiculous bets. And on that subject he bets the rich man $7,000,000 that he can jump out of the window in the 14th floo...

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My Collection of Cow Jokes

Q: What do you call a cow with only two legs?

A: Lean Beef

*****

Q: What do you call a cow with only one leg?

A: Steak

*****


Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground Beef

*****


Q: What do you call a young famous redneck...

What do you call a cow that has a record player, tight pants, and thick brimmed glasses?

A hip-steer.

An overweight woman decided to start walking her dog to get exercise...

She stopped after realizing the effort it took to steer her scooter.

Riding horses is fun and all, but...

...let's be on a steer.

My Pastor told me this one and it really hit home...

Some older people at a nursing home are complaining about getting older. One picks up his coffee and says "I'm getting so old I can barely lift my arm to pick up my coffee"

Someone sitting next to him says, "My cataracts is so bad I can barely see my coffee."

Someone behind them then s...

Job opening in a fast paced company

Do you want a corner office with a view?
Do you like being paid to travel in a $400,000 company paid vehicle?
Do you like to be in control of your job and steer it in the direction you want?
Do you want people to respect you, and get out of your way?

Bob did, so he became a bus drive...

God, Jesus, and Moses are playing golf..

So Moses takes his first stroke and the ball goes soaring. An eagle then picks the ball out of mid air and flies off the course. Then the wind picks up and steers the eagle back. Then lightning strikes the eagle dropping the ball back down and God says, "Are we here to play golf or are we gonna scre...

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The nun's hospital tour

A nun who works in a hospice is being shown around a nearby hospital as part of a tour. The doctor is bringing her through a ward of patients when she suddenly sees a man furiously jerking off in his bed. The doctor steers her away from this scene and says "I'm sorry you had to see that sister, but ...

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So I was at the grocery store

getting a few things for the weekend, and I noticed an old lady staring at me... once I caught her she swiftly looked away. I approached the dairy aisle and could feel this old lady staring at me again, so I went into the next aisle, she followed right behind me and kept looking at me. Feeling very ...