What do you call a spider in the Middle East?

An Iraqnid

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't they teach sex education and driver education on the same day in the Middle East?

Doing so would be far too exhausting for the camel.

Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because they’re all targets!

If anyone in the North East U.S. gets a chance to look at the moon tonight

It's completely out of this world.

What’s to the east of Westeros?

Westos

I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea.

Where is Jesus if he keeps going East?

Easter

Anyone got any jokes about the Middle East?

I guess Iran out of ideas

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I visited the Middle East last year...

And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.

Too hard for the camels.

I was studying abroad in the Middle East, when a flock of seagulls attacked

Iran so far away.. ‘Couldn’t get away

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United ...

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Why do people in the Middle-East tend to be homophobic?

They have had bad experiences with mandates.

me "Please to meet you, I am from East Detroit"

Other person: "Oh my gawd, have you ever seen someone get shot"

Me: "No I close my eyes when I pull the trigger"

What did the Middle East say when they saw Yemen having another civil war?

Oman, here we go again...

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Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to th...

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never ridden in a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He get...

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.




(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Mustang east on I-20 toward Georgia.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "Forget it, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

During the Cold War, there was an East German couple who were outside one evening when it was lightly precipitating...

They got into an argument, the man claiming it was raining, and the woman claiming it was snowing.

During the heat of the argument, they spotted a well known local official walking past.

The wife exclaimed, "We will ask Brother Rudolph for the official word from the Party!"
...

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are a...

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

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Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , wit...

A man calls a tiler ... (old East Germany joke)

... "Hi! I'd like some bathroom tiles repaired please. When can you come?"

Tiler: "Next appointment is in 8 years."

Man: "Oh, OK, I take it."

Tiler: "Morning or Afternoon?"


(This is the type of joke that went around in communist countries like Eastern Europe. Tradesme...

Why aren’t there any Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because there’s a Target on every corner

Why did East Germany have a drafting compass on their flag?

So that you could draw the direction the country was going.

I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east

He told me prophets were going through the roof

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't you see any sluts hopping around in the Middle East?

They are too stoned.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A low-ranking general gets transferred to an all- male military base in the middle of nowhere in the Middle East.

There's not a woman for miles. After a few weeks there, the general develops certain tensions that need to be released, so he summons his adjutant and asks the adjutant what the men do in this situation.

The adjutant nods and tells the general "There's a camel in the tent at the edge of the ...

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East..

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why isnt there driving lessons and sex ed on the same day in the Middle East?

The goat needed a break.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

How to tell what part of Washington you're in: Forest is west, desert is east...

Swamp is DC.

A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east.

I ran.

I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East

It's titled A Kuwait Place

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

- I just shot a video in the Far East.

- Japan?
- No, I kept the camera still.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman returns from the far east.

After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors.

They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."

The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. S...

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast...

....when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.


An station attendent came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rock band is touring through the Middle East.

One day they are caught having sex with teenage fans. As punishment they each have a wooden skewer jabbed into their pee holes.
They are now known as Third Eye Blind.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man from Miami Beach travels to the Middle East and finds camels so fascinating that he decides to buy one and bring it back home with him.

For the next month, he rides the camel all over the city. The next day when goes to get the camel, he finds that it is has been stolen.

He goes to the police department to report it stolen. The desk sergeant asks him to describe the camel.

He says incredulously, "What do you mean, de...

Programmer's son asks his father: -Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west?

Father: It works? Don't touch it.

Have you heard about the situation in the Middle East

It’s pretty Syrias

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian....

an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodia...

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

What did Spider-Man say when he was deployed to the Middle East?

Iraq, no phobia

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, has swam with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was...

Bindair Dundat

A man from East Kent

There once was a man from East Kent,

Whose tool was so long that it bent.

To save her some trouble,

he folded it double.

And instead of coming, he went.

I run a backpack store in the middle east.

Sales are great but I've never had any returning customers.

Could you imagine a market in the Middle East?

Because that would be bazaar

Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you w...

What do you call an East-Indian Fed-ex delivery driver?

A currier.

A soldier is stationed in the middle east...

A young, American soldier arrives to his first tour of duty in an undeveloped area of Kuwait, and quickly discovers that things are rather strict. While he's able to distract himself for the first few days, he soon starts to get a little bit "antsy," and wonders how, exactly, he's meant to contend w...

Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

I was going to move to the Middle East

Then someone told me what they mean by getting stoned

I had trouble getting drunk off the coast of East Africa

Turns out Zanzibar is sans a bar.

I’ve heard that civilization first started in the Middle East

I guess easy come easy go

Did you hear about the new designer toy dog in the Middle-East?

It's called a Bombiranian

What spell does America cast every time they invade a country in the Middle East?

Expecto Petroleum

A lot of East Slavic peoples lives must be pretty fast paced....

...I mean, most of them are always Russian

I studied human thought and cuisine in the Middle East.

I earned my bachelor's in Falafelsophy.

In the Middle East during the Crusades, what was the best way to describe someone?

By taking all of their books, parchment and pencils and burning them in a bonfire

Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?

Iran.

Oman the whole story is ridiculous.

I basically had to Qatar cross the border.

Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.

I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.

Honestly I could tell you more but it Ku...

Under President Trump, ISIS continues to spread across Middle East

as a fine red mist.

So, you're the leader of a country who wants access to the Eastern Mediterranean, Balkans and Middle East, but you're not able to get it?

Oh, Crimea river.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

News report: Source of tainted Viagra found to be contaminated shipping containers still in use from Soviet-era East Germany.

Proving once and for all Russian interference in American erections.

TIL that "Call of Duty" has a different name in the Middle-East

They call it "The Sims"

Three men are serving jail time in East Germany.

As they wait for time to pass, they eventually talk about why they were imprisoned.

The first one says: "Everyday, I got to work five minutes early, so they condemned me for espionage!"

The other two ask the second man.

He says: "Everyday, I got to work 5 minutes late, so they ...

A man in East Germany buys a car

The car dealer says; "Okay, mein herr; your car will be delivered today in a year's time!"

The man replies, "Okay, but could you arrange for it to come in the afternoon? The plumber's coming in the morning."

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....

A hermit in the middle east has not heard about any current events.

I guess you could say he lives under Iraq.

“You da bomb!” “No, you da bomb!” In America – a compliment.

In the Middle East – an argument.

What do Kim Kardashian and Hurricane Sandy have in common?

They will both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV.

Beer is like the sun

Beer is like the Sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist.

What do you call the Ghost of Christmas Middle East?

Lebaneser Scrooge.

What game do kids play in the Middle East?

Jihad and seek!

What do you call a lumberjack from the middle east?

Osama Bin Loggin

What's the most popular pub in the Middle East?

The Allahu ak-Bar

Donald trump is placing a ban on telecommunications from the middle east...

It's called the teleban

Borders in the Middle-East don't matter so much...

You're just drawing lines in the sand.

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

​

The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”

​

Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

&a...

What is the proper term for a lover of East Indian cuisine who doesn’t deviate from the norm?

A naan conformist.

Why is Secretary of State Tillerson holding middle east peace talks during Thanksgiving in Wisconsin?

It's the only state that serves curds and turks at the same table.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

Can you name even one East African country?

Well, Kenya?

Just in from the Middle East

Media reports that people in Dubai wouldn't understand the
humor in the "Flintstones" but, I know for a fact that
people in Abu Dhabi do.

Apparently this was one of the jokes from East Germany before the fall of the Berlin Wall.

A citizen orders a Trabant car. The salesman tells him to come back to pick it up in nine years. The customer asks: "Shall I come back in the morning or in the evening then?"

"You're joking, aren't you?"

"No, not at all. It's just that I need to know whether the plumber can come at...

I hate that whenever people talk about the Middle East, they compliment themselves.

We get it. You raq. Move on.