I'm developing a gun that shoots east european stew.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

I'm starting to not like the Middle East.

The plot's too confusing and I can't connect with any of the characters.

What do you call someone who got fired from the East German secret police for substance abuse ?

An Ex-Stasi

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

Apple in the Middle East is releasing a shelf.

They're calling it the iRaq.

iRan to buy it the day it was released.

But it was sold out... O-Man!

How do they make honey in the Middle East?

From a shawarma bees

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

What do mumble rappers from the East coast rap about?

I don’t know...Their verses aren’t Pacific.

East Texas Roadside Safety

There was this-here feller from East Texas who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers. He proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car ...

What's the similarity between a river with too much agricultural runoff and really liking someone from the Far East?

One is eutrophication, the other is "You terrific Asian"

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

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Camel in the Camp

There was a major that got newly stationed in a base in the middle east. As he inspecting the base, he saw a camel tied to a post. Confused, he calls the nearest private.

"Private Doe!"
"Sir! Yes, sir?"
"What is this camel doing here at our base?" Asks the Major
"Sir, the camel is he...

Snow isn't a problem in the Middle East

...but ISIS

What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth

So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East

TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.
So far there has been mixed reviews.
People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do.

Eminem is moving to the middle east to form his own country.

It'll be called Irap.

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian...

... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camero...

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An East German joke:

The Leader of East Germany, Erich Honecker, opens his window in the morning and sees the sun.

Honecker: "Good Morning, sun"
The sun: "Good Morning, Honecker"

At noon,
Honecker opens the window again and says: "Good day to you sun"
The sun replies: "Good day to you, Honecker”...

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Newfie joke (newfoundlander) east coast of Canada

A newfie named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke, came to do the job. Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician...

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

The spirit in the bottle.

A lady walks into Walmart. She bumps into a bottle on a shelf, it falls down and a spirit comes out. Ahh that was good said the spirit. As a thank\`s for helping me out of this bottle, I want to give you one wish that comes true. The lady is a little confused, thinks a little and says, I have a wish...

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Why dont they teach sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in the Middle East?

The camel gets tired

Two German explorers

Two German explorers were making their way east across New York when they came to a wide river.

Karl: How vill vee get across dee large body of vater?

The other explorer sees a large, steel object north of them.

Heinrich: Look der es und structure dat vee can use to cross
<...

Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because there are to many targets

I hope the far east finally collaborates with the u.s. on eradicating the virus.

I mean, it's Christmas day, we could use the good China.

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An American tourist to London find himself in the East End

It's a hot day, and he's thirsty so he stops into a pub for a refreshment.

He walks to the bar and asks, "Can I get a Budweiser please."

The barman looks him up and down and gruffly says, "You're American, right?"

The tourist chortles, "How can you tell? Is it my order, or the a...

There was one time a guy from East Africa sold me some illegally copied DVDs

He was a Somali pirate

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the...

Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to...

Bahrain deer.

A winter storm blew in from the east during the Revolution

General Washington decided he needed to find a place to stay for him and his 43 men. The first place they found was a farm. The farmer, seeing just how many men the General had knew he couldn’t keep almost most of them on the farm, but was wanted to help the cause so in compromise he agreed to let j...

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An old farmer is teaching the new farmhand on where certain wastes go

The farmer says "Sometimes the milk from them old cows goes bad too quick, so we gotta dump it out over there-" He points to a high fence on the western side of the farm.

"Most of it's manure-" he continues, "-which we dump over yonder for later use in the cropfield." He points to another hig...

Suicide stop

Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who...

Who is the fastest rapper in the middle east?

Salim Shady

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

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What do you call exotic dancers in a politically unstable region in the Middle East?

Gaza Strippers

An Aussie soldiers and an American soldier are pinned down in the Middle East.

The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says

“What, did you *come* here to die?”

The Aussie responds “Nah, I came here yesterday.”

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6 ...

Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed?

Only women get stoned.

What's the most popular chili in the Middle East?

Halalpeño.

Bubba Joe is a down to earth farm boy from East Texas and falls in love with a girl

After some time, they decide to get married, but before that can happen his fiance tells him that he must become christian. Now Bubba Joe was never really religious but he really loves this girl and heads off to the local catholic church and asks the priest if he can become a parishioner. The priest...

I Was on an Egg Hunt Earlier.

I tried to find them by heading to the far West, but it turns out it was an Easter Egg hunt.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

I used to keep a tally of how many times I would read about unrest in the Middle East...

But only stopped because of the Taliban.

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

Difference between Sun and Bun. Sun rises in the East and sets in the West..........

............Bun rises in Yeast and sets in the Waist.

How do people in the Middle East bid farewell to each other?

They Dubai

What do you call a boating accident in South-East Asia?

The Thaitanic

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

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Teen Daughter

A mother took her teen daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.  It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Mam, Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor...

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There's an old Jewish man walking along the beach...

and he comes across a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says to the old Jewish man, "I will grant you anything you want."

The man pulls out a map of the Middle East and shows it to the genie and says, "I would like peace in the Middle East between the Israelis and Palest...

Anyone who thought Trump was gonna pull the US out of the middle east is an idiot.

I mean if he was any good at pulling out, he probably wouldn't have 5 kids.

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east

Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo

What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell?

Under Prussia

Just be thankful COVID-19 wasn't instead named East Asian Respiratory Syndrome.

"Dude, don't touch her. She has EARS!"

A husband and wife were relaxing at home when all of a sudden it started to snow...

Their show was interrupted by a news broadcast instructing everyone to park on the west side of the street to allow the snow plows to run.
The woman jumps up and grabs her keys to move her car immediately.
The next night the snow is still unrelenting and the broadcast instructs everyone to p...

Why is the west of Africa weaker than the east of Africa?

Because the west is a Ghana (goner)

(Created by my son)

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An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.




(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hi...

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

I called a suicide support line in the middle east

They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car

Why do trees in Wisconsin lean south East?

Because the Bears suck and the Vikings blow

What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf

Just Kuwait and sea

The Middle East discovered their patient zero

His name is al-Khwarantin

“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”

In America, a compliment.

In the Middle East, an argument.

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I once attended a 50s music themed table tennis festival in a far east country, hosted by an Asian dictator where all the participants were dressed as famous movie gorillas...

It was Kim Jongs Honk Kong Honky Tonk King Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong

I'll see myself out.

It was hard talking to someone in East Germany in 1961.

I come from the West and man, it was like talking to a brick wall.

The reason there is no Wal-Mart's in the middle east.

Because there is a target at every corner.

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

Where is Jesus if he keeps going East?

Easter

"Oh honey, are you the Middle East?"

"Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can't resist getting involved!"

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Fun facts about England

Fun fact: Sussex, Wessex, Essex, and Middlesex, are all named for points on a compass, South, West, East, and Middle respectively, and represent places of Saxon occupancy. That is, Wessex means West Saxons.

But why Middle and not North, you ask. Well, Little Timmy, there's no north because no...

Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga.

I like to stay on top of current affairs.

Not taking that chance

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.



With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrang...

When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are.

I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English ...

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

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A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

Three men are serving jail time in East Germany.

As they wait for time to pass, they eventually talk about why they were imprisoned.

The first one says: "Everyday, I got to work five minutes early, so they condemned me for espionage!"

The other two ask the second man.

He says: "Everyday, I got to work 5 minutes late, so they ...

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....

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Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , wit...

What’s to the east of Westeros?

Westos

A man calls a tiler ... (old East Germany joke)

... "Hi! I'd like some bathroom tiles repaired please. When can you come?"

Tiler: "Next appointment is in 8 years."

Man: "Oh, OK, I take it."

Tiler: "Morning or Afternoon?"


(This is the type of joke that went around in communist countries like Eastern Europe. Tradesme...

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

Could you imagine a market in the Middle East?

Because that would be bazaar

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What do you call a homosexual photosynthetic eukaryotic organisms found in the Middle East?

Al-Gay

Under President Trump, ISIS continues to spread across Middle East

as a fine red mist.

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I visited the Middle East last year...

And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.

Too hard for the camels.

I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east

He told me prophets were going through the roof

truckers...

As a Polish truck driver is driving east he sees a truck driving west, and the CB crackles to life. "Hey, buddy, who are the two biggest morons in America?" comes from the CB.

"I don't know," says the Polack.

The other driver says, "You and your brother!"

"Screw you," says the P...

Have you heard about the situation in the Middle East

It’s pretty Syrias

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East..

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds.

Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?

Iran.

Oman the whole story is ridiculous.

I basically had to Qatar cross the border.

Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.

I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.

Honestly I could tell you more but it Ku...

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One goes East, one goes West...

It is a Friday night, and everyone is heading home for the weekend. An Army Sergeant leaves the base late, heading west for his home. Across town, at another base, an Air Force Sergeant also leaves late, heading east.

The snow starts blowing, and the sun sets. On the highway, both Sergeants ...

I met a guy from the Middle East after a marathon

I asked him if he walked it.
No, he said, Iran.

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Mustang east on I-20 toward Georgia.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "Forget it, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

A rule of thumb for finding naked women in the Middle East:

Sikh, and you won't find.

If anyone in the North East U.S. gets a chance to look at the moon tonight

It's completely out of this world.

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East

It's titled A Kuwait Place

I run a backpack store in the middle east.

Sales are great but I've never had any returning customers.

A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east.

I ran.

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Why isnt there driving lessons and sex ed on the same day in the Middle East?

The goat needed a break.

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