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East Jokes

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It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.

One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”

All the men throw down their cards a...

Snow isn't a problem in the Middle East

...but ISIS

Why do you never see a flock of seagulls in the middle east?

Because Iran’s so far away

A professor is called to speak on human rights in the middle east.

A professor is asked to speak in the middle east on the subject of human rights.

He boards his plane and arrives without trouble. He continues his way to the podium he is about to speak on. To his astonishment the room is completely empty with the exception of one man.

Since his subje...

I'm starting to not like the Middle East.

The plot's too confusing and I can't connect with any of the characters.

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

What is more East than East?

Easter

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One goes East, one goes West...

It is a Friday night, and everyone is heading home for the weekend. An Army Sergeant leaves the base late, heading west for his home. Across town, at another base, an Air Force Sergeant also leaves late, heading east.

The snow starts blowing, and the sun sets. On the highway, both Sergeants ...

What do you call a silent executioner from the east?

A Euthanasian.

"How was your trip to the Middle East?"

"Great! I visited an ancient temple in Iraq."

"Ziggurat?"

"No thanks, I'm trying to quit."

Did you know that they're rebooting the Teletubbies in South-East Asia?

At first I'd read that it was due to be set in Vietnam, but then I realised that it was a Thai Po.

What would happen if Sweden invaded the country to the East of them?

They would cross the Finnish line.

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.

As an East Asian guy, I constantly get asked what's my background

It's Windows standard.

Why do East Africans never finish their alphabet soup?

Because they only eat e o p a

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the...

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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

What do junkies and adulterers in the Middle East have in common?

They both get stoned.

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The Leader of East Germany Goes to Work

One fine Summer morning, the Leader of East Germany Erich Honecker goes to his office, looks out the window and says "Good morning, Sun!"

The Sun replies "Good morning, Erich!"

Then Honecker starts his day and works until Noon. Coming back into the office after his lunch break, he look...

What did Edward Newgate say when he sailed to the Middle East? [Fixed]

THE ONE PIECE ISRAEL

East Texas Roadside Safety

There was this-here feller from East Texas who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers. He proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car ...

I'm developing a gun that shoots east european stew.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

A US banker is invited to the Finance Minister of East Germany and sees large quantities of gold lying around in the courtyard of the ministry.

Astonished, the American says to his host:

"In my country, gold is a very precious commodity. It is kept in Fort Knox, surrounded by an almost insurmountable concrete wall, watchtowers, mines and barbed wire, and guarded by dogs and soldiers."

"You see," replies the minister of East ...

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Newfie joke (newfoundlander) east coast of Canada

A newfie named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke, came to do the job. Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician...

How do they make honey in the Middle East?

From a shawarma bees

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

Whats Kim Kardashian and the Middle East got in common?

Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.

What do you call an East African prince who’s also a wine snob?

A sommelier Somali heir

What do mumble rappers from the East coast rap about?

I don’t know...Their verses aren’t Pacific.

What's the most popular pub in the Middle East?

The Allahu ak-Bar

Apple in the Middle East is releasing a shelf.

They're calling it the iRaq.

iRan to buy it the day it was released.

But it was sold out... O-Man!

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

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East meets West

A guy pulls up to a bar and walks in to get a drink. Almost immediately, he is accosted by another guy who has obviously had one-to-many.
The drunk demonstrates a clumsy karate chop and says, "That was karate from China." The new arrival just nods noncommittally and attempts to sit at the bar. Un...

Putin has started to launch missile attacks from submarines off the coast of an East African archipelago

He shells Seychelles by the seashore

A newlywed couple goes on a honeymoon to the Middle East.

While there they got into a huge argument about the best mode of transportation; unicycle versus bicycles. The argument was so large they decided to divorce.
Cause of divorce:
Iraq and cyclable differences

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hi...

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My wife and I roleplay sometimes in the bedroom. Last night we played "war in the middle East"

I was USA and she was Afghanistan. I pulled my troops out and left her fucked.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....

why did Allah give falafel and hummus to the Middle East?

They prayed for more gas.

A man is walking on the sandy beaches of the US east coast

When suddenly he bumps his foot at something. Moving away some sand he finds it to be a magic lamp. He immediately starts rubbing the lamp and a genie appears.

Being grateful for being released after 200 years, the genie offered the man to make one wish of something he really wanted in his li...

Why is there no walmarts in the middle east?

Because there are targets on every single corner.

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?

Sandy, obviously!

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.




(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

So western cartoons are being introduced to the Middle East

TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they'll be received.
So far there has been mixed reviews.
People in Dubai don't get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do.

What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

A winter storm blew in from the east during the Revolution

General Washington decided he needed to find a place to stay for him and his 43 men. The first place they found was a farm. The farmer, seeing just how many men the General had knew he couldn’t keep almost most of them on the farm, but was wanted to help the cause so in compromise he agreed to let j...

Under President Trump, ISIS continues to spread across Middle East

as a fine red mist.

Where is Jesus if he keeps going East?

Easter

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An American tourist to London find himself in the East End

It's a hot day, and he's thirsty so he stops into a pub for a refreshment.

He walks to the bar and asks, "Can I get a Budweiser please."

The barman looks him up and down and gruffly says, "You're American, right?"

The tourist chortles, "How can you tell? Is it my order, or the a...

Could you imagine a market in the Middle East?

Because that would be bazaar

Who is the fastest rapper in the middle east?

Salim Shady

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Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?

They don't want to wear out the camel.

Did you know in the Middle Ages there were large storages of lettuce in the middle east

That’s where they kept the Saladin

Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

What would a neckbeard say to a South East Asian woman?

M'laysia

An American man seeking peace among the religions of the East found a new guru.

After his new teacher had spoken for an hour on the importance of following one's inner nature along the path, the man interrupted to say: "I thought the idea was to lose one's desires and attain enlightenment."

"No, no," the teacher admonished. "That was Zen. This is Tao."

"Oh honey, are you the Middle East?"

"Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can't resist getting involved!"

A woodchopper from the Middle East is looking for a job...

The foreman said, "I don't know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees." The woodchopper said, "That's precisely the sort of work I do." The foreman replied, "Okay, here's an axe—let's see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here." The woodchopper went over to the tree and...

Hey, you wanna know how I got to the east of Iraq?

Iran

Can you name even one East African country?

Well, Kenya?

I heard they are changing the name of Rymans in the North East of England.

Its now going to be referred to as Ry-aye mans.

A soldier is stationed in the middle east...

A young, American soldier arrives to his first tour of duty in an undeveloped area of Kuwait, and quickly discovers that things are rather strict. While he's able to distract himself for the first few days, he soon starts to get a little bit "antsy," and wonders how, exactly, he's meant to contend w...

What’s to the east of Westeros?

Westos

What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell?

Under Prussia

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I visited the Middle East last year...

And I had to spend a whole school year there. It was weird because their schools are unable to have drivers education and sex education on the same day.

Too hard for the camels.

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

A Texan went to an ivy league party on the East coast...

...and there's this group of fancy ladies standing around.

"Howdy," he said. "Which school did y'all go to?"

"Oh... Yale," one of them replied daintily.

'WHICH SCHOOL DID Y'ALL GO TO?!"

A man from East Kent

There once was a man from East Kent,

Whose tool was so long that it bent.

To save her some trouble,

he folded it double.

And instead of coming, he went.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

Apparently its illegal to show some cartoons in the middle east

Most cities won't screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo

An Aussie soldiers and an American soldier are pinned down in the Middle East.

The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says

“What, did you *come* here to die?”

The Aussie responds “Nah, I came here yesterday.”

The middle-east became really popular a few months ago

It just seemed to blow up

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

East and West Germany

In West Germany your job determines your Marks.

In East Germany Marx determines your job.

How do people in the Middle East bid farewell to each other?

They Dubai

What do you call someone who got fired from the East German secret police for substance abuse ?

An Ex-Stasi

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

Have you heard about the situation in the Middle East

It’s pretty Syrias

I run a backpack store in the middle east.

Sales are great but I've never had any returning customers.

Just be thankful COVID-19 wasn't instead named East Asian Respiratory Syndrome.

"Dude, don't touch her. She has EARS!"

A man calls a tiler ... (old East Germany joke)

... "Hi! I'd like some bathroom tiles repaired please. When can you come?"

Tiler: "Next appointment is in 8 years."

Man: "Oh, OK, I take it."

Tiler: "Morning or Afternoon?"


(This is the type of joke that went around in communist countries like Eastern Europe. Tradesme...

I used to keep a tally of how many times I would read about unrest in the Middle East...

But only stopped because of the Taliban.

You the bomb.

No, you the bomb.

A compliment in America.

An argument in the Middle East.

Donald trump is placing a ban on telecommunications from the middle east...

It's called the teleban

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An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

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A rock band is touring through the Middle East.

One day they are caught having sex with teenage fans. As punishment they each have a wooden skewer jabbed into their pee holes.
They are now known as Third Eye Blind.

Crisis in the middle east

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said: 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

I hope the far east finally collaborates with the u.s. on eradicating the virus.

I mean, it's Christmas day, we could use the good China.

Ukrainian Peasant finds a Genie in a Bottle

A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. He’s a stupid peasant but he knows what he likes.

The peasant says, “I want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.”

So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from ...

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What do you call exotic dancers in a politically unstable region in the Middle East?

Gaza Strippers

It was hard talking to someone in East Germany in 1961.

I come from the West and man, it was like talking to a brick wall.

I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East

It's titled A Kuwait Place

What do you call a lumberjack from the middle east?

Osama Bin Loggin

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

Roll call in the Middle East

Teacher: Asghar?

Asghar: Here!

Teacher:Hassan?

Hassan: Present!

Teacher: Rahal?

Rahal: A present, count to four!

Teacher: Don't you mean 'present and accounted for'?

Rahal: No. Count to two.

Teacher: What do you- BOOM!

Antique shop owners in the middle east have one rule

Dubreak, Dubai.

What's the similarity between a river with too much agricultural runoff and really liking someone from the Far East?

One is eutrophication, the other is "You terrific Asian"

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East..

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds.

Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?

Iran.

Oman the whole story is ridiculous.

I basically had to Qatar cross the border.

Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.

I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.

Honestly I could tell you more but it Ku...

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

What game do kids play in the Middle East?

Jihad and seek!

A daughter asks her father how he left the middle east.

I ran.

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their
professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east

He told me prophets were going through the roof

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An Arab man is wandering lost through the desert

An Arab man is wandering lost through the Sahara. He sees a man in the distance and struggles to get there hoping it's not a mirage. He finally arrives and sees a nice Jewish man with a table of ties.

"Please, I've been lost for hours and so incredibly thirsty, do you have any water?". The Je...

A cowboy, bored with his life, decides to head east...

He embarks by train from California, hoping to seek a new job and new adventures.

Somewhere in Arizona, the train slows down at a small station and passengers stream on and off. Looking through a window, the cowboy sees an old Native American man wearing what looks like the garb of a powerful...

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast...

....when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.


An station attendent came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the...

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- I just shot a video in the Far East.

- Japan?
- No, I kept the camera still.

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Why do people in the Middle-East tend to be homophobic?

They have had bad experiences with mandates.

The moment USA used drones in middle east

They were spawn killing the terrorists

My friend from the Middle East has really low self esteem.

Thus I was not surprised to find out that she was a Qatar.

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