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Management Jokes

Difference between I.T and management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”...

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You must be in F**king management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hove...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

I received a flier on anger management the other day

I lost it

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Management Lessons

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on t...

A classic project management joke.

A woman can give birth in 9 months.

A project manager thinks that 9 women can give birth in 1 month.

Google's app management app is called "Google Play" and their payment app is called "Google pay"

Their navigation app should be called "Google Way"

I once bought a best-selling book on time management.

But I never had time to read it.

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How to prepare for a new management position

A guy walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.

He says to the waiter,
\- 'I want coffee.'
The waiter says,
\- 'Sure thing, coming right up...'
He gets the guy a tall mug of coffee, and the guy drinks it down in one gulp, picks up...

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Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wante...

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Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One ...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a...

I just quit my job in the helium factory because of the way management spoke to me.

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I've recently developed a treatment for anger management issues.

It's called "Damitol".

Enlightened Management

Q:Why did company management illuminate the toilet bowls in the employee bathroom?

A: It was the cheapest way to lighten their load.

So I just started anger management

Apparently it's all the rage right now

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My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.

This morning I woke up and chose violins.

I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm

I'm the CIEIO

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Matrix Management: The Key to Happiness

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed b...

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For those who don't understand why management at Netflix has collectively shit the bed.

It's a Heard mentality.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet "

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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Give an example of a business failure due to careless management

A prostitute getting pregnant

What's management's favorite keyboard shortcut?

Shift + Blame.

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Anger management

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of my anger is to write letters to the people i hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering, do I still keep the letters?

Did you know Arnold Schwarzenegger is now running a pest management company?

He’s an ex-terminator.

What do you call a player in a management profession? (NSFW)

A Pimp.

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Rick Astley’s guide to password management

* Never going to give you out
* Never going to write you down
* Never going to run around and reuse you

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

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