You know what the first rule of passive-aggressive club is, don’t you?

You know what? Never mind.

It’s fine.

My dad had a rule that if we farted in the car we had to pay him 10 dollars out of our $100 monthly allowance.

He always got his ten per scent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the early days of the Nazi Party’s rule a group of Nazis walked into a bar

They sat and noticed a Jew was sitting in front of them. One of the Nazis got up and shouted “A round of drinks on me for every German folk except for the Jew!”
The crowd cheers and heils the party but this doesn’t make the Jew upset at all. He was grinning.
After a few days the Nazis return a...

Not sure what you will find

A man who has been stranded on a deserted island all alone for 10 years sees a speck on the horizon. "It's too small to be a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it being a small boat, then a raft.


Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman ...

Purple Gorilla

A guy is driving down the highway as he sees a sign pointing down the road advertising a purple gorilla. He thinks to himself that there's no way that's true so as he's going down the road, he sees a small building with a label to see this so called purple gorilla. Curious, he parks and walks up to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female friend told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your c...

r/Jokes A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, ‘Lool Area’

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’.”

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

The 3 unwritten rules of life.

1)

2)

3)

I almost lost my job at the glue factory...

It seemed like everything was falling apart. But I stuck with it, and have managed to hold it all together.

I just needed to adhere to the rules

A lawyer, an engineer and an accountant are applying for a job

at the job interview, they each get asked the same simple question, and are told to justify their answer. The question is, "what is two plus two?"

The lawyer takes out his briefcase and produces the 1978 docket wherein the case of Casey vs the State, two plus two was proven to be four.
...

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuns, Groceries, and Traffic Cops: (Religion) (NSFW)

There was once a young Nun in training. As she was new to her convent, her job was to do the grocery shopping every week.
One week, she asks to be excused from this duty, as she ends up being stopped by the police every time and it's getting on her nerves.
"Are you speeding? Staying in the rig...

If everybody followed rules at public pools, racism wouldn’t exist.

You’re not allowed to have races.

A father had a very rowdy son

He would never listen to his father, always disobeying rules, and being rebellious at every chance. The father often told the boy, "You should be more respectful of others", to no avail as his words fell on deaf ears. His pranks were, quite frankly, annoying to the neighbours, but what did the son c...

I used to rule the world.

I was 7-time champion in chess championships, won count less awards in racing world, led armies of millions. But then my son broke the computer.

What do you call a cat who rules the house?

A hoMEOWner.

What do you call an enforcer of cricket rules who has no reflection?

A Vumpire.

Epstein's death being a suicide was just one big misunderstanding...

The medical examiner who ruled the death as a suicide misunderstood what his colleague meant by "Man... Epstein sure was hung!"

A guy walks into a bar.

He notices there are multiple assortments of meat hanging from the ceiling. The cashier, after seeing him confused, told him it was a competition and told him the rules.

“If you can hop up and slap one of those cuts, you get free drinks till tomorrow. If you miss, you pay for everybody’s drin...

An airplane was about to crash...

There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald ...

God made a new rule...

You have to tell him how you died to get to heaven.

Guy 1 comes up and God asks him how he died, He said:

"I was walking home to my apartment and when I unlocked the door there was a burgular and he ran into my fridge. I threw the fridge out the window. I died of a heart attack though...

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

Request for a punchline

I'm not sure if this is the sub for it. Went through the rules but couldn't find anything on the matter.

So here goes.

Why did the skeleton carve the pumpkin?

Edit : Thank you for the punchlines. Got some chuckles. Much appreciated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As you know, last year's Furrycon got out of hand. This year, I'm cracking down. Zero furry porn, and figure-hugging fursuits that are tight against the buttocks will not be allowed. This rule is 100% non-negotiable.

No yiffs, no butts.

Halloween every year is awful.

Kids do not stop coming to my door for candy. Left and right, I have to say “I’m sorry. I don’t give out candy” so much that I just put a sign in my yard telling everyone this fact. However, they see lights and still come knocking on my door. This year, I’m going to do what I should have done years...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Halloween

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The interviewer asked him to follow one rule.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says,...

What is the name of the city ruled by clowns?

Honk-honk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

Today I was smoking a cig in front of my local Walmart when the guard came yelling at me...

Guard : "Excuse me sir! We have no smoking rules around here!"

Me : "Great! Most stores have a ton of them!"

3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.

3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough.

The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be...

We were always taught the rule, i before e except after c...

But now it's been disproved by science.

The NBA has updated its rules on travelling

Instead of dribbling, players are now allowed to take a great leap forward

Some dude died in the gutter

It was ruled a sewer cide

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

If you were looking for a punchline them im sorry to say but its in the title. Now i know this breaks the rules but for this specific joke to have the punchline separate just destroys the underlying potential humor.

A man finds a magic lamp and out pops a genie...

“Oh wow says the man. Can you make me live forever? I don’t ever want to die.”
“Hmm that is against the rules but I’ll see what I can do”.
He snaps his fingers and a beautiful women appears. The man is confused. “What is this? I asked for eternal life!”
“Well says the genie, I granted ...

The first rule of tautology club...

...is the first rule of tautology club.

What did Rick say when he wanted to apologise to his girlfriend?

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run...

A politician dies…

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

“So, you’re a politician…” “Well, yes, is that a problem?” “Oh no, no problem. But we’ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, an...

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

Jimmy Carr Joke - Socially Unacceptable

JC - I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation - would you like to see it?

Crowd - YES!

JC - I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret

(laughter ....)

(\* hope and pray that I've offended none broke no posting rules \*)

Three people die and go to Heaven.

When they arrive, Saint Peter tells them, "We have one rule here. It's fairly simple: don't step on the ducks."

The three guys enter Heaven, and the first thing they see is that Heaven is *OVERFLOWING* with ducks. It is literally impossible to not step on a duck. Despite this, they try their ...

They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire

but I still haven’t ruled it out.

The first rule of flight club is....

To take flying lessons..... Also learn to read carefully

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day....

They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, "Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks." The women each look at each other confusingly. St. Pete opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering...

Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?

Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.

A man rubs a magic lamp and a Genie pops out.

Genie: You have one wish, but there's three rules. I can't kill anyone, I can't make people fall in love and can't bring anyone back from the dead.

Man: I want socialism to work.

Genie: There's four rules.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Bor...

Two very important life rules:

1) Never tell anyone everything you know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if y...

Two men were standing on a platform high above a deep, dark, lonely pit.

One of the guys turns to the other and says, “I can’t wait to take the plunge! I hear no one has ever made it safely down so we’d be the first to start a civilization in the depths below! We could create our own rules, be Kings, and...”


The second guy quickly interrupts, “Hey now, let’s ...

In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, President Trump names a new Disaster Assistance Ambassador to The Bahamas. "He's the best. He'll do a great job, believe me." the President said.

Ja Rule reportedly accepted the position via Twitter.

An American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The 2 finalists for this prestigious annual poem contest was an American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The rules were simple, come up with an poem on the spot that ends in tim-buc-tu.

The professor turned in his first. It read:

As I walked across the burn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bodybuilder marries a pretty woman.

"All right, there are going to be some rules in my house. I want the toilet seat to always be up, the TV always on ESPN, and if I'm not going out with my friends, I want a good, hot meal by six o'clock."
"Ok," replied his wife. "But just know that every day at seven there will be sex in this hous...

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a whi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Missy Elliot just dropped her first album in 13 years!

Do you think she still followed the 5 second rule?

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

How would the world look if it were ruled by the Danish?

It would be a Pastryarchal Society

animals are telling each other jokes

Animals are telling each other jokes. They have a rule that if someone tells a joke and everyone will not laugh, they will kill the one who was telling the joke.
First, the Bear tells a very good joke, everyone laughs except the Turtle, so they kill the Bear.
Then, the Fox tells a good jok...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a King with a 12 inch penis?

A Ruler!

There once was a king named Lee.

He ruled the lands by the letter of the law, granting him the title, “Lee the Absolute.” He was such a fair ruler that the history books revered him as the most accomplished, making him

Absolute Lee the Best.

What did the admin say to a rule breaker?

Albania if you don’t stop

Someone died eating chickpea dip...

It was ruled a hummuscide.

I was going to make a pretty decent unboxing video today

However it’s against the rules to film in a cemetery...

At dinner a little girl spits out her food ...

Mom says, "Now dear, remember the rule is that if something is already in our mouth, we have to swallow."
Dad says, "Oh, really?"
Mom says, "Shut up!"

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

Why did god invent whiskey?

So the Irish wouldn't rule the world

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lion is throwing a jungle sex party and everyone's invited

Before the party starts the lion goes in front of everyone and says
"there is only one rule in this party. No condoms! You can fuck with everyone but you can't use any condoms no matter what."

So the party starts and as predicted everyone is having a great time.
The lion walks around t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Laying down the law

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner....

The 5-second rule for food does not apply....

when you own a 2 second dog.

A man is walk on the beach, when he kicks a bottle.

Poof, out pops a genie. The genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother in-law gets double. Understanding the rule, the mans first wish is a billion dollars. The genie says, “ this means your mother in-law will get 2 billion”. “That’s fine”, replies the...

Two well dressed lawyers, Milind Kale and Ram Jethmalani went to an expensive restaurant...

They ordered 2 coffees
and then took out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat...

Waitress: Sorry Sir !!! But you can't eat your OWN food here... Its against the rules ...

The lawyers quietly looked at each other and
EXCHANGED their sandwiches & continued their meals!
<...

My kind of guy

A new retirement home opened up in the community with separate floors for men and for women. After the first few weeks of being open all the residents were called into the recreation room so staff could explain the rules. It was emphasized that after hours there would be no men on the women's floor ...

The King’s Kidney

Long ago, one of kidneys of the King of Ethiopia was ruptured when the leash to his horse snapped, causing the horse to kick back in surprise. One of his bishops rushed to his side and offered a quick prayer.

“Oh God, I pray that our king’s kidney may be healed, and that he will live to rule...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me she can't stand it when I get piss all over the seat.

My car, my rules sweetheart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a butterfly rules over a kingdom?

A monarchy.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is leaving work late. He gets into his car and goes home.

On the way he reaches a long, straight stretch of road with no other cars, so he decides to speed up a bit.

As he passed a lay-by, a police car turns on its lights and sirens and motions to him to pull over.

The man does, and a police officer gets out and walks up to the man.

"D...

All of the states in the continental US got together for a party. The only rule was that each state could only hang out with the states it borders. Everybody was having fun except for one state who said

"Is everyone else stuck talking to only one state, or is it just ME?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired yesterday when my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently, nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you’re allowed to do with the patients

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth ...

I was going for a club where it was this rule - "people only with Brown Bow tie are allowed".

I entered the club and saw people were wearing other clothes too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was in the late 1930s in Germany and a Jewish man who was sitting in a restaurant reading a Nazi newspaper.

A friend of his, who passed by, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading the Nazi newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Jews disappearing...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.