There are only two rules you need to follow to become extremely succesful in life.

1. Not revealing everything you know.

The three unwritten rules of life:

1.

2.

3.

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.)

But she has a friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her "You're an exception. You can come any time in November." So I said "Very poor choice of words." and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded.

Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules.

Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it.

Growing up in Scotland, my family had one rule

Never run with bagpipes! You could put an eye out, or worse, you could get kilt!

Grave robbers have one rule

No grave mistakes

How can you prove that 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' rule doesn't apply ?

Through Science.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

The 5 rules for Soviet intellectuals

Don't think.

If you think, don't speak.

If you think and speak, don't write.

If you think, speak and write, don't sign.

If you think, speak, write and sign, well, don't be surprised.

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you’ll all be sorry.

I told the insurance investigators that they can't rule in my act of god claim.

I want to consult with priests instead.

Moses, Jesus, and another guy are playing golf. (Possibly Rule 2)

They're on the 18th hole and their scores are all tied. Moses is first to tee.

He cracks the ball off the tee, sending it sailing towards the water hazard just before the green. Seeing this, he raises his club in the air, parting his hands. The water in the hazard seperates down the middle, t...

There’s only 1 rule in learning English

1.) Their our know rules

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What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy?

A Dick-Tater.

First rule of 2021

Never talk about 2020

What do you call futurama rule 34?

Coochurama

First rule of vegan fight club...

Tell EVERYONE about vegan fight club !

Apparently the police have been going to a load of house parties as lockdown rules are getting implemented.

Ridiculous, one rule for us and another for them.

What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure?

A rebel without a clause

So the UK has introduced the “rule of 6” for social groups...

Now if you attempt to add another party member they will be sent to the PC.

After seven years and half a million karma I will share the 5 unwritten rules of posting on this site:

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.

What are the unspoken rules of sign language?

All of them.

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NSFW A typical MACHO man married a good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a ...

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My girlfriend asked me to suck on her toes, but I want to suck on her boobies. I told her that I have only one strict rule:

Never accept defeat

The first rule of deaf club

Nyou nu not nalk amout nef glub

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NSFW John had married Eileen, as she was a rules girl, she'd kept herself pure until her wedding night.

As Eileen took off her wedding dress, John undid his shoe laces. Eileen noticed for the first time John's size 10 shoes were padded with foam he pulled his feet out of the shoes and they looked like baby feet. She said "My, haven't you got tiny feet?" John looked embarrassed, he said "I had toe-sill...

This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules

Taiwan:I am China

China:No I am China

Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan

China:No you are China

Customary tipping rules

For food and beverage service individuals, it’s customary to tip 18% of the bill.

For valet drivers, a fiver.

For singers, a tenor.

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A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my ...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they...

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

New lockdown rules in England...

New lockdown rules in England mean from Monday groups of up to six can meet. Six of the Seven Dwarves are arranging to meet up.

One of them isn’t Happy.

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What’s the most important rule when making porno music?

Never use A-minor.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

She...

I was late for my first meeting of Fight Club last night and I missed the rules.

Anyway I enjoyed Fight Club, and I really recommend Fight Club.

Teach a man a joke and he will laugh for a day

Teach a redditor a joke and they will repost it for a lifetime!



What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!

Its cake and y'all know the rules!

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Why does Rule #2 say "Behave like you would in real life"

But all the other rules prohibit that? :D

The first rule of Condescending Club

is really rather complex and I doubt you would understand it even if I explained it to you with diagrams.

Voltaire said “To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.”

It’s time we rise up against those kids with leukemia

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

Alot of reddits ‘rules’ are things my parents taught me.

I guess I didn’t need them after all.

Mario is in a court trial for not following traffic rules.

Judge : This is the 10th time you’ve sped at a red light this week. As a punishment you need to pay $ 1000.
Its a fine that you’ve to pay.

Mario : No, itssa not.

When Trump communicates with the American people, he follows the primary rule of mushroom farming . . .

# "Keep 'em in the dark and feed 'em horsesh*t".

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm.

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm. The farmer comes out to stop the hunter getting the duck since it’s on his farm. The hunter asks politely and the farmer caves in but with 1 exception. The three kick rule. Each person can kick the other 3 times each turn. Whoever gives up or leaves i...

I broke lockdown rules and went to a games night yesterday

There was a lot of risk

Nice canned meat you got there

Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.

One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.


"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."


After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Nex...

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Duchess

It’s my cake day, so here’s a joke for everybody. My dad told me this joke, but I haven’t seen it any other places:

A man goes on trial for calling the Duchess a pig. The judge finds him guilty of slander and explains that if he ever calls the Duchess a pig again he’ll be severely punished. T...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day when he was 40 years old, his fairy godmother came to help. She said,

“Benny, I’ve watched you all of your life, and you’ve never even kissed a girl. I’m going to help. I can make you the best looking man in the world. Women and men will al...

Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.

But the instructions just say ‘You know the rules, and so do I”

With all the talk about and acts of tearing down statues there should be a rule where a statue of a person stands for so many years before being re-evaluated...

We can call it the Statue of Limitations.

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

The Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Cap...

An old lady wanted to withdraw money from a bank

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.

The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if ...

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Training A Puppy

We brought home a new puppy on October 29. I told the family that the puppy has to be trained in one month. I said the family rule starting November 29 is that any piss or shit on the floor means a night outside.

Sure enough, I came home last night and found piss and shit on the floor. I knew...

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

What happened to the beef between 50 Cent and Ja Rule?

51

Best birthday gift ever

A guy turns 50 and his friends find the perfect gift for him, a 1 hour session with a hooker that can sing and give head at the same time.

The birthday arrives and after he hears what his gift him he gets all excited, goes to the specified house and knocks on the door.

The lady on the ...

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Two boys were playing in the sandbox with a girl

**This is a joke my grandpa just told me (he was a Navy guy).**

Two boys were playing in the sandbox with a girl; the boys’ names were Tom and Dick and the girl’s name was Sally.

Tom decided to challenge Sally to a contest. The rules of the contest were as follows: each child had to bu...

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3 Jamaicans go to a dress up party

The theme is 'emotions' with a strict entry policy. No costume, no entry.

The first guy knocks on the door dressed as a giant pear. The host says "this is an emotions party, what are you supposed to be?"

He replies "I'm in dis pear" and walks in.

The 2nd guy doesnt have a costu...

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

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So there was this guys who just loved his bike very much, he'd just put vaseline on it everytime it rains.

His girlfriend told him that she wants him to meet the parents, but the one rule they have is that nobody speaks over dinner and who ever does must do the dishes.
So the man goes over there and everybody is silent so he just starts kissing and making out with his girl right on the dining table, h...

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So now that Kim Jong Uns sister is going to rule North Korea

Is she the worlds first vagtator?

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.

We've had empires ruled by emperors, kingdoms ruled by kings, now we have countries

Ruled by...

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