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Rule Jokes

If women ruled the world there would be no war

Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

Dorm Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He cont...

There are only two rules you need to follow to become extremely succesful in life.

1. Not revealing everything you know.

The three unwritten rules of life

1.

2.

3.

Apparently screaming 5 second rule

Apparently screaming 5 second rule when eating out your girlfriend isn’t considered romantic when she falls off the bed.

We used to have empires ruled by emperors and we used to have kingdoms ruled by kings…

Now we have countries…

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

One day Canada will rule the world

Then you'll all be sorry

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

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A teenage monk joins a monastery and is told the rules.

Which basically consist of this: silence at all times except, every 20 years, you are allowed to appear before the head monk and speak two words. In his enthusiasm, he agrees.

Twenty years pass. A little disillusioned, he appears before the head monk, the same one who hired him. "Speak your t...

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is

that you do not talk, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, prattle, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, converse, discourse, orate or speak about Thesaurus Club.

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The best rule for productivity.

Since 2 yrs of my life I am following the 20-20-20 rule. Which is best for productivity and peace of mind.

I find it more calming then ever. Also I have gained lot of confidence in myself when fighting in this wild jungle I call life.

Even you can apply this to your life and get bette...

The first rule of palindrome club is ...

sibul cemord nilap foelurts rifeht

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is:

You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club

Rule #1 for learning english

Their our know rules!

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a joint?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a water...

A monastery had a rule: No talking whatsoever.

Once a year, there was an exception to the rule. One monk would get chosen to get up and speak.

The first year, Brother Matthew stood up. Naturally, the hall was silent. He stared at his audience for a minute. Then he spoke. "Hot this year, wasn't it?"

With that, he concluded his speec...

What's the main rule of the Insomnia Olympics?

You snooze, You lose

Dog Rules....

1. The dog is NOT allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but ONLY in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay OFF the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furnitu...

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Police Rules.

Woman talking to a police officer.


Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: Well I think you're a cunt.

As a general rule, I never make fun of short people.

They have it hard enough putting food on the table.

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you’ll all be sorry.

First rule of English grammar,

Double negatives are a no no.

A judge calls opposing council into his chambers . . .

. . . and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".

The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.

"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given ...

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In my house it is a rule to always put the toilet seat lid DOWN!

We're always dropping shit in there.

Long ago, when sailing ships rules the waves

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and ...

There are two rules for success:

1. Never reveal everything you know

The first rule of Condescending club......

is kind of complex, and I don't think you would understand it, even if I explained it to you !

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The rules for religions and penises are the same.

It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.

Rules are Rules

A farmer’s boy woke up and went to the kitchen to get breakfast. The mother told him that he would get it after his chores were done. He stomps out angrily and heads out to clean the chicken. While going about it, a chicken pecks him and he kicks it. He goes to the pigsty and when one pig knocks him...

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a wo...

I've got a new rule where I never drink in front of my son.

I don't want him to think I gamble irresponsibily.

As a rule, I don't drink.

But, as a habit I do.

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What's the first rule of sexting?

Make sure your phone's charged.

What’s the one rule about fighting circus freaks?

Always go for the juggler.

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

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If you're going to bet money on porn, remember the cardinal rule:

A good D will cover the spread.

[I apologize if this violates rules][NSFW/NSFL] how many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends on how hard you throw

A little known rule is that all employees of IKEA have to stand in a line in the meeting room before every shift.

Assembly is required.

The Ancients spoke of a wise healer who hated to be hugged. He lived by one rule.

Don't squeeze the shaman.

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Heaven's New Rule

Heaven is getting a little crowded, so God decides to have a new rule. The new rule is that no one can get into heaven from now on unless they had a really bad death. God explains this to all the angels, including St. Peter, who is the gatekeeper of heaven.

So St. Peter is waiting at the gat...

what is the one rule that a gang of vegan bros live by?

Leaf before beef

How to avoid clickbait. Rule 1: Don't click on this.

Rule 2: You are all hopeless idiots.

What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?

Don't get carried away.

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

The first rule of singing in the bathroom!

The toilet brush must never be used as a microphone

5 second rule. If it hasnt been 5 seconds no bacteria has been transferred.

So stop complaining ladies you could have gotten chlamydia.

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

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Texas Three Kick Rule.

A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake, and a farm.

The Lawyer was a bad shot, and scared all the ducks into the air. One finally landed on the fence of the farm across from the lake. The lawyer took aim, and fired. The duck keeled over and fell onto the dirt on the farm's s...

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

The first rule of deaf club

Nyou nu not nalk amout nef glub

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

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A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

What are the unspoken rules of sign language?

All of them.

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God: Creates humans as they were meant to be.

Also god: New rules! I need you all to cut the extra skin off your penis.

There's 4 main rules when looking a good woman in a relationship:

1) Find a woman who's a good cook an an and keeps a clean home.

2) Find a woman who is fiscally responsible and appreciative of gifts you can afford.

3) Find a woman who is passionate and reallllllly good in the sack.

4) And The Most Important of All: Make sure they never fin...

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

The 2 Golden Rules of Religion

1) Be kind to other people.

2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!

Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...

...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.

Most important mom rule

Sleep:

when the baby sleeps

Fold laundry:

when the baby folds laundry

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...

I had to put my foot down.

The first rule of comedy is “The Rule of Threes”...

The second rule of comedy is “Subvert Expectations.”

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

Yeah, it’s an orgy but we still have rules!

Come on people!

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Rules of Hell

A guy come to hell and rings the bell. Door opens and
he: "Ohh, wow, I am very surprise that the Boss opens the door himself. "

Lucifer: "That is normal here as I have to explain the rules to you."

Guy: "So what is it, what do I have to do ?"

Lucifer: "Well listen very care...

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Body parts were arguing, about who should rule the organism.

I should rule! Said the brain. I tell you all how to work!

No! I should! Said heart. I pump blood, so you all can live and have nutrients!

Bullshit! Said kidneys. We filter toxic things out of the blood! Without us you all would get poisoned!

What? Said stomach. I digest the foo...

What do you call futurama rule 34?

Coochurama

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If a King rules a Kingdom and an Emperor rules an Empire, then who runs a Country?

A Cunt

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

We need to rise up against children with leukaemia

The first rule of flight club...

is to take flying lessons, also know how to read carefully.

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The 4 rules of plumbing

Payday is Friday

Shit flows downhill

The boss is an ass

Don't chew your fingernails

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simple rule

Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."

What's the #1 rule of the spice trade?

Thyme is money.

If someone says "Someone in this room has a bomb," I can't rule myself out as a suspect.

- Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note7

We were always taught the rule, i before e except after c...

But now it's been disproved by science.

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

What two secret organizations rule the world through control of important metallic elements?

The Aluminati and the Tinplars.

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The interviewer asked him to follow one rule.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says,...

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