The 3 unwritten rules of life

1.

2.

3.

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

Jeremy Clarkson's 3 rules of car repair:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.

2. The right tool is always a hammer.

3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

One day Canada will rule the world

Then everyone will be sorry!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, the 2nd rule about posting on Reddit is to 'behave like you would in real life'.

Funny; I've never before been *asked* to behave like a total asshole.

The Rules of Writing

1: Always avoid alliterations

2: A preposition is not something to end a sentence with

3) Be consistent

4: Don’t restate ideas

5: Don’t be redundant

6: And never start a sentence with a conjunction

The first rule of flight club...

is to take flying lessons, also know how to read carefully.

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

Preschools and bars have the same rule.

You pee your pants, you go home.

Fleming's Left Hand Rule is highly attractive

It has currently forced my hand.

What cheese rules the world?

The Hallouminati

There are two rules for success in life:

1. Don't tell them everything you know.

I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules

But I still had a really awesome time and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook.

The first rule of Parent Club:

Don’t talk about activities in front of kids, unless fully prepared to engage in said activities.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Professor welcomes the class in Anatomy lab on the first day of medical school.

He begins by saying - You need 2 rules to become a successful doctor.

No 1 - you cannot feel disgusted by anything.

After saying that, he stuck his finger into the cadaver's butt hole.

Students look at him in a shocked manner, but eventually they give in and remembering his r...

The first rule of Fight Club is...

Just try your best guys, and have fun. Also, when it’s your turn to bring snacks be mindful of others’ allergies.

There are rules in Hell,

People who killed one another, will be submerged by the blood of the victim in hell.

Once death was inspecting hell, he saw Lavrentiy Beria, Marshal of the Soviet Union, standing with blood only to his knees. Death ask," You've killed thousands when you're alive, how come you only have bl...

Rule number 1 of the thesaurus club:

Never discuss, mention, speak of, or talk about Thesaurus Club.

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule

It’s science.

The new LGBT NFL rules are modified from the Traditional NFL

There’s no tight end

What is the first rule of fight club?

Never have it at the Saudi consulate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know the rule...

One day and grandson walks up to his grandpa sitting on the porch.

Grandson asks the grandpa if he can have a drink of his whiskey. The grandpa looks at him and asks if his dick touches his asshole? Puzzled the grandson tries and can’t do it. The grandpa tells him he can’t have any of his wh...

I before E except after C

We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of t...

New rule at the convent

Lights out by 10. Candles out by 11.

There are two rules to remember in the entertainment industry.

The first is to always leave the audience wanting more. And the second

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

A rule of grammar:

Double negatives are a no-no

My dad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.”

Great bloke...


Terrible anaesthetist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Skyrim guards and Pornhub share a similar rule

No Loli Gagging

What do you call two pints of strict rules?

A quart of law

"Bot Rule" has extended past reddit, and taken over the muggle and wizarding worlds

Giant posters all over the country let everyone know that the population is now under *Bot Rule*.

Any opposition to *Bot Rule* is met with swift punishment

Sickened, Harry Potter waves his wand at the nearest poster, rearranging the letters of the twisted sign.

"This spell's tro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4:00 AM, husband wakes up his wife

H: wake up, we're going hunting.

W: come oon, go without me today, let me sleep.

H: well, you know our house rules, if you don't wanna go, we're having anal sex.

W: sighs...

H: I'm going to prepare dogs, will be back in few minutes.

Few minutes later husband comes ...

The first rule about Thesaurus club is

that you do not talk, speak, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, or converse about Thesaurus Club.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Rules to live by

Several of us local retired pilots were asked to address a junior high gathering put on by the PTA.

I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bullshit; and since I had plenty of time because those...

First rule of Fast Food management:

Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-through.

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Official Rules for Indoor Golf

(an oldie, but a goodie)

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.

2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of ...

What happened to the chord who violated school rules?

It was suspended!

The first rule of comedy is “The Rule of Threes”...

The second rule of comedy is “Subvert Expectations.”

Wife: If women ruled the world there would be no wars.

Husband: That is true - wars require strategy and logic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man, I got banned from a dating website because I broke the "no dicks, boobs or asshole pictures" rule.

I didn't notice Trump on TV in the background.

First rule of Fight Club

God damnit I've already broken it.

Four kids were arrested for feeding the elephants in a zoo when there was a rule stating they couldn’t do so.

At the court, the judge asked the four kids to state their name and what they had done.

Kid 1 : “My name is John, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 2 : “My name is David, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 3 : “My name is Arthur, and I threw peanuts into the...

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The Irony of the World Cup rules...

The Japanese qualified for the next round because they have less yellow

Dorm Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He cont...

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Joke rules for my house:

First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no PMS jokes. Period. No sexual assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...

I had to put my foot down.

What's the #1 rule of the spice trade?

Thyme is money.

In the news recently: men with funny haircuts fight to rule the world, throwing false accusations, their supporters being all fanatic about it all.

Come on guys, it’s only The World Cup.

Life Rules For My Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.

3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially i...

Road safety rules are written in blood.

Electrical safety rules are written in bacon.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a wo...

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There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".

Such was the situation of a couple, w...