The 92+ Best Rule Jokes

There are only two rules you need to follow to become extremely succesful in life.

1. Not revealing everything you know.

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

If women ruled the world there would be no war

Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

One day Canada will rule the world

Then you'll all be sorry

The three unwritten rules of life

1.

2.

3.

Apparently screaming 5 second rule

Apparently screaming 5 second rule when eating out your girlfriend isn’t considered romantic when she falls off the bed.

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A teenage monk joins a monastery and is told the rules.

Which basically consist of this: silence at all times except, every 20 years, you are allowed to appear before the head monk and speak two words. In his enthusiasm, he agrees.

Twenty years pass. A little disillusioned, he appears before the head monk, the same one who hired him. "Speak your t...

We used to have empires ruled by emperors and we used to have kingdoms ruled by kings…

Now we have countries…

Please don't post any more school shooting jokes, consider them rule 10 - overly offensive.

Let's give each other time to heal and get back to the reposts we all know and love (just kidding) - but enough is enough of these.

A little known rule is that all employees of IKEA have to stand in a line in the meeting room before every shift.

Assembly is required.

As a general rule, I never make fun of short people.

They have it hard enough putting food on the table.

Rule #1 for learning english

Their our know rules!

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

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In my house it is a rule to always put the toilet seat lid DOWN!

We're always dropping shit in there.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is

that you do not talk, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, prattle, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, converse, discourse, orate or speak about Thesaurus Club.

The first rule of palindrome club is ...

sibul cemord nilap foelurts rifeht

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The best rule for productivity.

Since 2 yrs of my life I am following the 20-20-20 rule. Which is best for productivity and peace of mind.

I find it more calming then ever. Also I have gained lot of confidence in myself when fighting in this wild jungle I call life.

Even you can apply this to your life and get bette...

What's the main rule of the Insomnia Olympics?

You snooze, You lose

I've got a new rule where I never drink in front of my son.

I don't want him to think I gamble irresponsibily.

A monastery had a rule: No talking whatsoever.

Once a year, there was an exception to the rule. One monk would get chosen to get up and speak.

The first year, Brother Matthew stood up. Naturally, the hall was silent. He stared at his audience for a minute. Then he spoke. "Hot this year, wasn't it?"

With that, he concluded his speec...

The Ancients spoke of a wise healer who hated to be hugged. He lived by one rule.

Don't squeeze the shaman.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is:

You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club

Long ago, when sailing ships rules the waves

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and ...

Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....

The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “A...

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you’ll all be sorry.

[I apologize if this violates rules][NSFW/NSFL] how many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends on how hard you throw

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A newly married couple are laying out the rules of their sexual relationship

The wife says:" If you're feeling horny, squeeze my right breast once. If you're not feeling horny, squeeze my right breast twice."

The husband says: OK, well if you're feeling horny tug my penis once. If you're not feeling horny, tug my penis 1000 times.

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If you're going to bet money on porn, remember the cardinal rule:

A good D will cover the spread.

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A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

What’s the one rule about fighting circus freaks?

Always go for the juggler.

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The rules for religions and penises are the same.

It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.

what is the one rule that a gang of vegan bros live by?

Leaf before beef

According to ATP rules whoever gets to the tennis match earlier gets the ball

First come, first serve

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A man goes into a street of Moscow and yells: "I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader".

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him. Later he brings the man to Stalin. The soldier explained to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man: "Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the street?" The man says: "I was thinking about Hitler of course". Stalin lets the man go but st...

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

5 second rule. If it hasnt been 5 seconds no bacteria has been transferred.

So stop complaining ladies you could have gotten chlamydia.

First rule of English grammar,

Double negatives are a no no.

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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a wo...

Dog Rules....

1. The dog is NOT allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but ONLY in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay OFF the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furnitu...

The first rule of Condescending club......

is kind of complex, and I don't think you would understand it, even if I explained it to you !

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...

I had to put my foot down.

As a rule, I don't drink.

But, as a habit I do.

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What's the first rule of sexting?

Make sure your phone's charged.

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Police Rules.

Woman talking to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: Well I think you're a cunt.

If someone says "Someone in this room has a bomb," I can't rule myself out as a suspect.

- Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note7

How to avoid clickbait. Rule 1: Don't click on this.

Rule 2: You are all hopeless idiots.

There's 4 main rules when looking a good woman in a relationship:

1) Find a woman who's a good cook an an and keeps a clean home.

2) Find a woman who is fiscally responsible and appreciative of gifts you can afford.

3) Find a woman who is passionate and reallllllly good in the sack.

4) And The Most Important of All: Make sure they never fin...

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

We need to rise up against children with leukaemia

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They say you should treat people the way you want to be treated. They call it The Golden Rule. But personally, I don't recommend that because at the end of the day,

You're just giving out free blow jobs for nothing in return!

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

The first rule of singing in the bathroom!

The toilet brush must never be used as a microphone

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

What are the unspoken rules of sign language?

All of them.

What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?

Don't get carried away.

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

Rules are Rules

A farmer’s boy woke up and went to the kitchen to get breakfast. The mother told him that he would get it after his chores were done. He stomps out angrily and heads out to clean the chicken. While going about it, a chicken pecks him and he kicks it. He goes to the pigsty and when one pig knocks him...

So today my wife told me “there would be no wars if women ruled the world.”

And I responded with “yeah that’s because war takes strategy and logic

In other words does anybody have an extra couch I can sleep on for the next year or two

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

What two secret organizations rule the world through control of important metallic elements?

The Aluminati and the Tinplars.

Yeah, it’s an orgy but we still have rules!

Come on people!

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

What do you call a body of water that won’t follow its own rules?

The Hypocri Sea

My dad always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".

Good man, terrible anaesthetist.

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When I was in high school, my class had a rule that whoever swears, that person had to donate 1 dollar to the class fund

One day my friend sweared, following the set rule, he came up near the fund jar, held a 2-dollar note, as he was putting it into the jar, he said: “Keep the change, motherfuckers!”

My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.)

But she has a friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her "You're an exception. You can come any time in November." So I said "Very poor choice of words." and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded.

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

We were always taught the rule, i before e except after c...

But now it's been disproved by science.

My dad had a rule that if we farted in the car we had to pay him 10 dollars out of our $100 monthly allowance.

He always got his ten per scent.

Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...

...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.

How can you prove that 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' rule doesn't apply ?

Through Science.

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

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Heaven's New Rule

Heaven is getting a little crowded, so God decides to have a new rule. The new rule is that no one can get into heaven from now on unless they had a really bad death. God explains this to all the angels, including St. Peter, who is the gatekeeper of heaven.

So St. Peter is waiting at the gat...

The first rule of deaf club

Nyou nu not nalk amout nef glub

There are only two rules for my party: have fun, and don't pee in the kitchen sink.

Because that's where I go.

Grave robbers have one rule

No grave mistakes

My owner added a new rule to the rental contract on Christmas.

He Sent-a-Clause.

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Texas Three Kick Rule.

A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake, and a farm.

The Lawyer was a bad shot, and scared all the ducks into the air. One finally landed on the fence of the farm across from the lake. The lawyer took aim, and fired. The duck keeled over and fell onto the dirt on the farm's s...

The 2 Golden Rules of Religion

1) Be kind to other people.

2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!

When Trump communicates with the American people, he follows the primary rule of mushroom farming . . .

# "Keep 'em in the dark and feed 'em horsesh*t".

Why does Rule #2 say "Behave like you would in real life"

But all the other rules prohibit that? :D

What do you call futurama rule 34?

Coochurama

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Man, I got banned from a dating website because I broke the "no dicks, boobs or asshole pictures" rule.

I didn't notice Trump on TV in the background.

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

What's the #1 rule of the spice trade?

Thyme is money.

The Golden Rule says, "do unto others as you would want them to do unto you".

The problem is, I don't have yachts, millions of dollars and private beaches to hand out...

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

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