The three unwritten rules of life

1.

2.

3.

There’s only 1 rule in learning English

1.) Their our know rules

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

3 rules of advice

1. Never reveal everything you know

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

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A female friend told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your c...

The first rule of passive aggressive club is

ya know what, never mind, it's fine...

The Rule is “I Before E…”

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

There are THREE rules...

A man finds a bottle on the beach. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie.

The genie tells the man, "I will grant you three wishes, but I have three very important rules. First, you cannot kill anyone. Second, you cannot make people fall in love. Third, you cannot raise anyone from the dead."...

I've come up with some rules changes to make Settlers of Catan more realistic

Before you build a settlement, you have to murder and enslave all the natives that live on the island.

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If a King rules a Kingdom and an Emperor rules an Empire, then who runs a Country?

A Cunt

My dad had a rule that if we farted in the car we had to pay him 10 dollars out of our $100 monthly allowance.

He always got his ten per scent.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.

3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough.

The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be...

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

Most important mom rule

Sleep:

when the baby sleeps

Fold laundry:

when the baby folds laundry

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

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In the early days of the Nazi Party’s rule a group of Nazis walked into a bar

They sat and noticed a Jew was sitting in front of them. One of the Nazis got up and shouted “A round of drinks on me for every German folk except for the Jew!”
The crowd cheers and heils the party but this doesn’t make the Jew upset at all. He was grinning.
After a few days the Nazis return a...

What measurement of fluid rules them all?

The liter

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My Golden Rule for dating

No sex before the first date

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A man found a genie lamp

When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules.

Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.

Man: I wish to not die a virgin

Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality

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The rules for religions and penises are the same.

It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.

We were always taught the rule, i before e except after c...

But now it's been disproved by science.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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The interviewer asked him to follow one rule.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says,...

The first rule of flight club is....

To take flying lessons..... Also learn to read carefully

Jokes on you!

>! We're no strangers to love!<
>!You know the rules and so do I!<
>!A full commitment's what I'm thinking of!<
>!You wouldn't get this from any other guy!<

>!I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling!<
>!Gotta make you understand!<

>!Neve...

What is the name of the city ruled by clowns?

Honk-honk

I used to rule the world.

I was 7-time champion in chess championships, won count less awards in racing world, led armies of millions. But then my son broke the computer.

What do you call a cat who rules the house?

A hoMEOWner.

What do you call an enforcer of cricket rules who has no reflection?

A Vumpire.

The NBA has updated its rules on travelling

Instead of dribbling, players are now allowed to take a great leap forward

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As you know, last year's Furrycon got out of hand. This year, I'm cracking down. Zero furry porn, and figure-hugging fursuits that are tight against the buttocks will not be allowed. This rule is 100% non-negotiable.

No yiffs, no butts.

A little kid was watching Donald Trump talk about England. "Mommy, why is it called a kingdom?"

"Because, honey, it's ruled by a *king*!"

"Then why is the U.S. called a country?"

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

My Dad always said...

... that the first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.

Great bloke.

Terrible anaesthetist.

How would the world look if it were ruled by the Danish?

It would be a Pastryarchal Society

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

Three light-skinned gentlemen walked into a tanning salon

They were looking to get their tan. The owner of the salon were happy to recieve them and asked them what tans they wanted.

The first gentleman said he wanted a light tan, so the salon owner led him to a tanning bed that was colored caramel.

The second gentleman said he wanted a gold...

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The vintage motorcycle.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says"

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure ...

Due to the corona virus...

The 5 second rule has now been reduced to the 3 second rule.

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.



His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a pro...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

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3 boys are lost in a forest and find a cabin

They knock on the cabin’s door and an old man answers. The kids ask the old man if they can stay there for the night and the old man says “Why of course you can. There’s one rule though. Do not open this closet” the old man points to a door. “If you do there will be consequences!”

The kids, ...

Lenin walks into a tavern

The comrades ask him to join them for some vodka.
After the first couple of shots Lenin refuses to drink any more.

"But why?" ask the people around him.
"Well", he replies, " the Party says no more than a quarter of vodka per proletariat".

"But, of course", they say to him, " rul...

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

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I'm a big fan of the Beatles, in particular Paul McCartney.

I made an account on the official Beatles website and made my profile picture an album of Paul McCartney throughout the years. However an admin told me I was going to be banned, I asked why and was shown the list of rules and the first was "Users are not allowed multipaul accounts."

'I've always wanted to play snooker' I told my friend

'Do you know the rules?' he asked


'Yes'


'Do you have some cues?'


'Yes'


'A table?'


'Yes'


'So what's stopping you?'


'(sigh) I just don't have the balls'

One day Canada will rule the world

Then everyone will be sorry!

All of the states in the continental US got together for a party. The only rule was that each state could only hang out with the states it borders. Everybody was having fun except for one state who said

"Is everyone else stuck talking to only one state, or is it just ME?"

Did you hear about the family of chickpeas that were killed while eating dinner last night?

It was ruled a hummicide.

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos

I had to put my foot down.

r/Jokes A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, ‘Lool Area’

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’.”

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

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What do you call it when a butterfly rules over a kingdom?

A monarchy.

The 5-second rule for food does not apply....

when you own a 2 second dog.

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

Jeremy Clarkson's 3 rules of car repair:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.

2. The right tool is always a hammer.

3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

An airplane was about to crash...

There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald ...

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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

A duck, a lion and a snake walk into a bar.

After some drinks, they are talking about their own greatness.

The Lion tells stories about his harem, how he rules above a vast territory and how he never knew hunger.

The duck describes how beautiful the world looks like from above, and never having to endure harsh winters becaus...

Wife: If women ruled the world there would be no wars.

Husband: That is true - wars require strategy and logic.

The only rule to get out of a casino with a small fortune

Is to enter there with a large one.

So today my wife told me “there would be no wars if women ruled the world.”

And I responded with “yeah that’s because war takes strategy and logic

In other words does anybody have an extra couch I can sleep on for the next year or two

The Rules of Writing

1: Always avoid alliterations

2: A preposition is not something to end a sentence with

3) Be consistent

4: Don’t restate ideas

5: Don’t be redundant

6: And never start a sentence with a conjunction

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

The college basketball team at Indiana University had just finished their worst season in school history.

The head coach, Bob, knew the team needed a different approach next year.

In the off season, Bob was driving around town when he saw a panhandler at a stoplight, and realized that this panhandler was around college age, and looked close to 7 feet tall. Bob stopped his car to talk to him and ...

3 Women goto Heaven where they’re addressed by St Peter

He says “we have 1 major rule here in heaven, there are a lot of Turkeys up here. Do not step on the Turkeys there will be consequences “

Accepting this rule the women nod their heads and go on into heaven. About 5 days later the first of the 3 women step on a Turkey. She is immediately calle...

My Father used to say that there are four rules for getting married:

You need a woman who loves you unconditionally, a woman who will always challenge you, a woman who you always want to make love to and most importantly, you have to make sure that none of those women ever meet!

I was going for a club where it was this rule - "people only with Brown Bow tie are allowed".

I entered the club and saw people were wearing other clothes too.

I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules

But I still had a really awesome time and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook.

Preschools and bars have the same rule.

You pee your pants, you go home.

Rule number 1 of the thesaurus club:

Never discuss, mention, speak of, or talk about Thesaurus Club.

The first rule of Parent Club:

Don’t talk about activities in front of kids, unless fully prepared to engage in said activities.

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A man had spent all day drinking in a bar

By 10 at night he was incredibly drunk but still wanted more. However, he had run out of money.

"I've got to have another drink," he told the bartender. "Can't you give me one on credit?"

"You know the rules," replied the bartender. "No credit. But I'll tell you what I'll do. It's a ...

Overhead in a country ruled by a dictator

Citizen: What happened to freedom of speech in this country?

Dictator: Freedom of speech has always been guaranteed in this country. It is freedom after speech which we can’t guarantee

What cheese rules the world?

The Hallouminati

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A girlfriend is feeling like a stranger

A girl named Amanda has been dating a boy called Bill for 6 years. Amanda has been anticipating a marriage proposal from Bill ever since their 4th year of dating each other, but she felt too shy to ask about it. Amanda thought to herself, "After 6 years of dating and he hasn't asked me to marry him?...

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So, the 2nd rule about posting on Reddit is to 'behave like you would in real life'.

Funny; I've never before been *asked* to behave like a total asshole.

HBO may have ruled out a GOT spinoff with Arya

But they haven't ruled out a sitcom that follows Tyrion and Bran as they rule the six kingdoms

"Two Half Men"

Don't walk on the little blue flowers

Brad, Matt and Tom died and went to Heaven. At the big gate, an angel greets them.

"Hello and welcome to Heaven. There is a rule here. For the first week, you will have a test. Do you see these little blue flowers everywhere? Well God really likes them and stepping on one is an offence. So, f...

We used to have empires ruled by emperors, kingdoms ruled by kings and sultanates ruled by sultans.

Now we have countries....

Not sure what you will find

A man who has been stranded on a deserted island all alone for 10 years sees a speck on the horizon. "It's too small to be a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it being a small boat, then a raft.


Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman ...

Fleming's Left Hand Rule is highly attractive

It has currently forced my hand.

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