UPJOKE
inclinationtiltslopepointfishslantweightsidetangentinclinerotationedgedegreeradianlean

Just had an argument with a 90° angle...

Turns out I was right.

When I was a young boy, I made a mechanism that would change the angle of my bed.

I guess I have always been mechanically inclined.

Why did the 90 degree angle fall in love with 60 degree angle?

Cause it was a-cute angle

How do you hang a man at an angle?

With a hypotenuse

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

At what angle do most car accidents happen?

The Rectangle!
(Wrecked Angle)

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”

With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.

“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus.

He approaches the bar tender and says "I bet you a drink that it can play any instrument."

The bartender agrees and walks behind the bar returning with a trumpet.

The octopus examines the instrument for a minute and suddenly begins playing the instrument as good or better than Miles Da...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds?

I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me "just a minute"

What do you call an angle that’s gotten into a car crash?

A rectangle

What kind of tree has branches with angles that all add up to 180 degrees?

A Trigonome-Tree.

What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°?

A Nice-osceles triangle.

What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle?

Harvey





\*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\*

Found a rusty propane tank like thing burried in my backyard today. As I open it with an angle grinder

My mind was blown

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

Every Time We Do It

*It seems that many cultures have their specific style or templates for jokes. When I lived in the Middle East, I noticed a lot of jokes were long, and it was common to include some cultural aspect unfamiliar to me, such as arranged marriage. This is one such example.*

A man had three sons, n...

I'm trying to buy one of those triangle-shaped cabins, but my credit isn't good enough to get a loan.

I'll have to get someone to cosine.

Did you hear about the angle that cought COVID

It was acute

Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought....

Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!

Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they’re never right.

I was going to make an acute joke about right angles

But it was just a reflex.

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The Angle

This prostitute is working the street when a John pulls up and lets her in the car. After sex, she tells him "That was great. What are we gonna name the baby?"

The guy panics and tosses her another $100 on the condition she forgets all about him. Seeing that she may have discovered a new ang...

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3 men appear at the heavens gate. Next to them an angel appears and starts asking them how they got there

The first one starts telling: “I came home early from a day of work. When I suddenly hear my wife scream upstairs. I rush upstairs and see her laying in bed very frightened.I was going to confront her later but first I needed to catch the bastard. I also see the window open and rush to it only to se...

What do you call a medieval knight with one leg that’s shorter than the other?

An Angled-Saxon

Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI)

Because they're never ***right.***



\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)

Three angles compete to be Goldilocks' husband

The first is obtuse and unattractive; Goldilocks says no.

The second is a-cute one but is unintelligent; again, Goldilocks says no.

But the third, ah yes, the third, is just right.

Stop calling Karens children Angles....

They are not acute thing.

Everybody has an angle at which they look bad or unflattering.

Mine, for example, is 360°.

Two friends met after a long time. First one said: my wife is an angle.

Second one replied: You are very lucky man. Mine is still alive.

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Dog goes into a bank….

Dog goes into a bank, looking to secure a loan to expand his doghouse.

One of the bank loan officers comes over to assist, a Mrs Black. She sits down with the dog and starts into the loan process. Mrs. Black asks the dog, “What do you need the loan for?”

To which the dog responded,...

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A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

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What happens when you fuck an angle too hard?

You get a rectangle.

A young blind man is staring vacantly at the dairy aisle at the grocers.

A staff member comes up and asks if she can help him.

“Yes, ma’am. Can you tell me what milk is?” She seems perplexed but answers “well, milk is a white drink.”

“Ahh, now I know what a drink is… but what is white?” The woman is further unsure of the whole situation but thinks and says ...

If an Anglophone speaks the language of the Angles

what does that make someone who speaks the language of the Saxons?

A photographer was assigned to take photographs of a national park, so he decided to take them from the sky to get the best angle.

He requested permission to rent a plane and the arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted: “Let’s go!”

The pilot swu...

Why was the 89 degree angle not trusted

He's never right

What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?

a wrecked angle


(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)

Hey girl, are you an angle?

Cos I'm sinning to know you.

Lysol's marketing department are trying out some new angles to generate sales. They claim that one bottle can clean an entire family of dolphins!

It's the best multi-porpoise cleaner on the market!

An engineer, a physicist and a statiscian go hunting in the woods.

They spot a deer and take turns shooting at it. First goes the physicist. He look at the angle, calculates the speed of the bullet and shoots but his shot goes 50 meters to the right. The engineer says he didn't count for the wind and he also makes his measurement and shots but his shot goes 50 mete...

Girl, are you the secant of angle Z?

Cuz you sure are sec(Z)

How do you know an angle is dead?

When it shows no vital sines

A horse walks into a bar and says, “On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?”

The bartender says, “Y, long face.”

I was out by Starbucks today and saw a woman taking a picture of her food. she was there for 45 minutes trying to get the perfect angle,

Then I realized I just started at a woman from across the room for 45 minutes.

A math and science convention is in town

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician all attend. One night, the hotel they're staying in catches fire.

The engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and sees his room on fire. He grabs the fire extinguisher and has the fire out in 15 seconds, then goes back to bed

The phy...

There was a farmer who had a machine which caculated the angle you sat.

He called it his pro-tractor

Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon.

It’s considered a sin.

I'm like a 89° angle

I'm almost normal.

Did you hear about the square that got into an accident?

Now it’s a wrecked-angle

My mum told me she never really liked the angles in a square.

I said "ehh, they're alright"

When are protractors the same as calculators?

When they start counting but no matter the angle, protractors don't measure up.

I hate it when kids spell "angel" as "angle"

They're just trying to be edgy.

Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners instead of 90 degree angles?

If they were 90 degrees the ice would melt.

What's the best angle to approach any problem?

The TRYangle.

Why do math textbooks only ever give you one angle in a triangle?

Just cos.

What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem?

Let’s try a different angle

Which body part hurts most when you get hit by a right-angled triangle?

Your sinuses.

A man is jumping over some railroad tracks.

He's jumping from side to side over top of them, muttering under his breath each time he lands, "Twenty-one."

"Twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one."

Another man walks up next to him. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"I'm jumping over the railroad tracks. Want to join me?"

"Sure!...

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?

Because it was over 90°.

Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.

“Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.”

So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every s...

An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.

Its felt like a sine from God

Why was the Angle freezing?

Because it was less than 32 degrees!

Why was the 40 degree angle so nice to the 50 degree angle?

Because its very complementary!

A New Yorker Was Teaching A Midwesterner How To Ski

A Midwesterner is on vacation in the Poconos. Over there, he decides to take up downhill skiing. He's done a lot of cross country skiing, but he's never skied downhill, since there are no mountains over in Fargo. Fargo's flatter than a pancake.

He decided to try downhill skiing. "How hahr...

What do you call a triangle that's had too much to drink?

A rekt angle

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A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...

He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.




A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.





"Hello again Sir." the barber says. "What can I do for you?"


<...

What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck?

The angle becomes a rectangle

Why did the police catch the murder of the geometry teacher?

They investigated it from all angles

Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism

they are always talking about marks and angles

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Two scientists going for a hike on a hill see a big pile of poop.

One of them said pointing "that poop is made by a male". The other one looks for few seconds at the poop, "nope, that's a female poop, no question about it".

They argue for a few minutes and seeing that they are getting nowhere they decide to ask a shepherd that was watching his sheep nearby...

Where do angles go for fun on the weekends?

To watch movies in the THETA

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

My Math teacher asked me if I have learnt about angles

yeah, to a degree

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor.

Full disclosure, I got this joke from Tom Jones on Marc Maron's WTF podcast today. Tom's 80, mentally spry like he's 30, and he swears like a sailor.

----
90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Says “Doctor, it used to be that I’d get these erections so hard that I couldn’t even bend them ...

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NSFF: Secretly taped me and my wife having sex...

It was kinda hot seeing her disappointed face from another angle.

My wife's friend had a baby...

She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented "Aww, what a little angle." I replied to my wife's comment "Ya, she's pretty acute."
I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya...

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

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Buttcheeks

At the top of the hour, little Adam asks the grade 3 teacher "Is 'buttcheeks' one word? ..... Or should I spread them?"

Before the teacher could snort, little Brian chips in: "I know, I know! There should always be a colon in the middle! Am I right? "

The teacher shakes her head: "Loo...

Two photographers are walking down a street.

One of them trips and fall onto the ground.
The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”

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