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As a result of the ongoing pandemic, my sexual orientation has changed.

I am now homesexual.

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I tried to ask a mod what his sexual orientation was...

But I couldn’t get a straight answer

The Orientation for my new job at the Mattress Store was today.

The Manager handed me a King-sized Blanket and said, "Well, I think that covers just about everything here."

Drew is a security guard, and he has just been brought on to the team of up-and-coming British Pop Star, Chris "Anthem" Williamson.

Today is Drew's first day working with his new team. He meets with Finley, Chris's Stage Manager, to go over what he needs to know for the next gig.

Towards the end of his orientation, Finley tells Drew, "Lastly, Chris a bit of an eccentric fellow. He does NOT like to be disturbed when he's ...

A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The direct...

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

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If you ask a Homosexual person about their orientation...

You won't get a *Straight* answer.

(I'll see myself out.)

Three old men have just arrived in heaven and are attending an orientation meeting.

They are all asked, "When you are at the funeral and your friends and families are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"



The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."



The second guy says, "I would...

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What do you call a motorcyclist who questions their sexual orientation?

Bike-curious.

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What's the sexual orientation of people who can no longer perform sexually?

Bye-sexual.

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Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation.

It's a very PC work environment.

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From my job tonight, doing phone surveys: "How would you describe your sexual orientation?"

"Horizontal -- but sometimes we like to switch it up."

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I'm questioning my sexual orientation.

I can't think straight.

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Mother superior is doing the orientation ...

of the new nun. The neighbourhood is rough and so she thought she would put some hypotheticals. "What would you do if you were walking alone at night and got cornered by a man on who demanded to have sex with you?"

"Well, I would ask him to drop his pants." replied the new nun coolly
...

A young pirate on his first day on the job was having an orientation with the captain.

The captain said, "So this meeting is nearly over, do you have any questions?"

The young pirate replied, "Yeah, I noticed there are no women on the ship. What should I do if I get urges?"

"Oh yeah. There's a barrel in the back of the ship with a hole in it. Just go to town on it whenev...

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A metal music joke - Met a cool dude at a show last night

Him: "Never seen these guys before. What do they sound like?"

Me: "They're blackgaze."

Him: "....What's their race and sexual orientation have to do with their sound?"

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How many sexual orientations does a physicist have?

Six: Up, Down, Strange, Charm, Top and Bottom.

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A man from Alabama is touring Harvard for Freshman orientation...

Somewhat lost, he asks a student in his most formal country accent "Y'know where the lib'ary's at?"

The student scoffed, turned his nose up and replies "Ugh, do not end your sentence with a preposition."

The young man then says "Okay. Y'know where the lib'ary's at... Asshole?"

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What is Arnold Schwarzenegger's sexual orientation?

Bicepsual.

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

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My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe ...

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

A corn flake, just created was cruising down the conveyor belt feeling like he was on top of the world.

Totally content with his life he moved along until he was dumped into a large mixer and thousands of other corn flakes landed on top of him.

Not happy with no longer on top he determined to get back above the others. So, he climbed and climbed, pushing other flakes out of his way until finall...

National Hell

A Venezuelan and American arrive in Hell at the same time, Hell is short-staffed, and so they have orientation together. They are told part of their punishment is eating buckets of human excrement. Normally they would be segregated by nationality, but since they are together now they can each choose...

When I was in college I got my first job as a bartender...

...during orientation the manager told me about some of the regulars including Doctor John. He said Doctor John would come in every Thursday and order the same thing, 2 maple daiquiri's. It was pretty simple to make, some white rum, lime juice and maple syrup.

So my first Thursday shift arri...

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My wife let me get anal last night.

It felt great synchronizing the clocks and correcting the toilet paper orientation.

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At Pirate boot camp

BOATSWAIN: "That concludes orientation. Any questions?"

ME: (raises rubber hook hand) "Why do they call it trimming the mainsail? Why not mast abating?"

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3 guys go to hell...

3 guys go to hell, and the devil greets them for orientation.
"You each came here for different reasons" he says, "but I'm going to let you pick one vice, and you can do that, but ONLY that, for eternity."

So he goes to the first guy, who was an alcoholic, and after a moment of thought th...

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A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says “hey. We have a drink named after you!”

The grasshopper says, “you have a drink called Murray?”

A kid told this joke at freshman orientation at Umass. I still laugh at it. And it’s not even that funny.

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A Chinese man dies and goes to hell

He arrives in time for Hell orientation. As he walks into the orientation room, he looks around and finds an empty seat and sits down. The orientation staff woman starts off the meeting with a roll-call:

"Do we have Mr. Johnson present?"

"Here," says a man.

"Mr. Smith?"
...

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A young man from Alabama has been accepted to Harvard.

He arrives for orientation weekend and feels immediately out of place.
He is wandering around and bumps into a professor.
He kindly asks “‘Scuse me, sir. Ya know where the library’s at?”
Appalled and annoyed, the professor replies “You are certainly not from around here. Here at...

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A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way...

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A motorcycle cop stops

a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!


So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade,...

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Boys in the girls' dorm

During college orientation the chancellor addressed the incoming class. "The girls' dormitory will be off-limits to male students," he said. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 for his first infraction, $100 for the second time it happens and $250 if he is caught again."

A ma...

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An American and a Soviet die and go to hell...

Satan meets them at the gate.

"Just for fun, I'ma give you two both a choice. You can either go to American or Soviet hell."

"What's the difference, trucker?" asks Arlo Freedom.
"Would they not simply be the 2010s versions of our countries?" entreats Ivan Dmitrovich.

"Not rea...

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In LGBTQ acronym, "Q" stands for "queer" or "questioning"...

It's the "Don't ask, can't tell" sexual orientation.

A blind man goes sky-diving.

A man, legally blind from birth decided that he wanted to live it up; to get out in the world and do things he'd always wanted to do, despite his disability. He'd start, he figured, with sky-diving; something he'd always been curious about.

So he signs up for a tandem dive, gets a proper orie...

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First-year med-students in their first anatomy class...

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two...

What do you call the process of becoming an honorary Asian?

Orientation.

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Blonde Research Study

An American research firm is tasked with conducting a study to determine if blonde women truly are less intelligent than everyone else. To do this, they host a convention for blonde women at an airport Hilton. At the orientation meeting, the chief researcher greets the crowd in a large banquet room....

My neighbors are Democrats and I'm Republican

One day I was working in the garden when they came home with their young daughter from school.
I asked them how everything was going and they told me that a job orientation week had just taken place.

So I asked their daughter: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

She respond...

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O.J. Simpson Dies

O.J. Simpson dies and went to hell. When he arrived the Devil met him and began the orientation process. The Devil told O.J. that here in hell you get to decide how you want to spend the rest of eternity. They go to the first door and inside is Josef Stalin, he is being burnt alive over and over. T...

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