Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

I just did a course qualifying me in Circular Swimming

It cost me an arm and a leg, but it works

Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course...

Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

A guy was taking his year end final for his course in university (remember those?)

The time is up, all of the others have handed in their tests, and this one guy keeps on writing. The professor comes over to him and says "Times up! Hand in your test." He ignores this, and keeps writing.
"If you don't hand your paper over now, I'll disqualify your test," says the professor... an...

Justin and I are taking a course on hosting the news [OC]

"You know, Justin and I are taking a course on hosting the news"

"you don't say! Wait, which Justin?"

"*This* Justin!

(OC: I thought on that while commenting on another Justin pun, but wouldn't be surprised if I'm not the first one to think of that)

Ah, Perry the Platypus. Before I begin, I would like to assure you that this joke was absolutely not stolen. And of course by not stolen I mean COMPLETELY STOLEN! *activates trap*

Behold, My voice-changenator! This masterpiece has the power to modify people's voices across the tristate area! Watch as I merely post to my blog, and then any one who reads it is suddenly unable to resist even thinking in a voice other than my own!

My girlfriend warned if she can’t practice on me she’ll fail her masseuse course

She’s putting way too much pressure on my shoulders

when does a joke become a dad joke? (this, of course, from my dad)

when it's full groan, of course!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand

up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you

think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

A fancy country club has a severe bee problem on the golf course.

The board of trustees decide to eradicate the bees they need to hire an expert. The bee entomologist is very expensive and the board decides they need to assess each member an additional $100 to their monthly dues for bee eradication.

Weeks after the treatment and it appears the course is b...

Of course I touch myself when I think about you

It is called face palm

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

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I was once on course to win the Best Blowjob of the Year Award

But I blew it.

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

I was sitting at the bar alone the other day, then a pretty lady asked me if the seat is taken with a gentle smile on her face. So I said “of course not, by all means, have a seat”

“Thank you so much”, she replied

And proceeded to take the chair.

What do you call an Irish seven course meal?

Six pack and a potato

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

A man and his friend are playing golf at a local golf course one day.

The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next the the golf course. He suddenly stops mid-putt, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
His friend looks at him bewildered and says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thin...

Why do golfers bring two pairs of pants to the golf course?

In case they get a hole in one!

"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine...

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us f...

Saw a strip club across the street from the Mini Golf course.

I’m just trying to have a nice afternoon with my kids and I look across the street and see a bunch of losers playing mini golf.

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

A man tells his wife he’s headed to the golf course

Clearly annoyed, she says “this will be the third time this week you’ve gone golfing.”

“You sound like my ex-wife.” he says.

Surprised, the woman says “I didn’t know you were married before me.”

The man says “I wasn’t.”

My work made me go on a training course where I had to lift some Spanish guys over and over

It was a Manuel handling course

A mom visist her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

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One day Jane found Tarzan in the jungle. He was lean and muscular and she was very attracted to him. During the course of their conversation, she asked what he did for sex.

"Sex?" he asked. "What's that?"

She explained what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

Horrified, Jane said, "Oh, Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."

She took off her dress, dropped to the ground and spread her legs...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, ...

Last week I registered for a course ‘Dealing with dissapointments’

It got cancelled again...

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks...

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bat...

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same roles.

You know what they say about old habits.

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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

Engineer, of course

Two engineers were good friends and one afternoon one engineer rode up to the other on a brand new bike. The second engineer said “WOW! What a great bike. Where’d you get it?” The first engineer said, “You won’t believe me. This beautiful young woman came riding up to me, laid the bike down, took...

You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!

A Person walks into a bookstore and says "Can I have a book by Shakespeare?" The bookkeeper replies, "Of Course sir, which one?"

William.

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I went on a positive thinking course today.

It was shit.

Trump's is short, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's is long; Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope is not supposed to use his. Of course I'm talking about...

... their last name.

After watching me sign up for a Greek philosophy course, my dad said, “Did you know Aristotle said that we are what we repeatedly do?”

“Therefore, I’m your mother.”

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

A waiter was serving someone when they dropped a spoon...

So the waiter pulled a spoon out of his top pocket. The man questioned why the waiter had a spoon in his pocket and started eating his dessert. The waiter replied we did a study and it showed that 70% of customers drop spoons so it saves us time having one with us. The customer looked intrigued and ...

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

My false advertising course...

Is SO WORTH the 7,000 pounds a year that I pay.

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a mathematician a riddler and a dumbass were at the gate of heaven

the angel at the gate frowned and apologized to the men "im sorry, but heaven is too full! if you want to come in you will have to trick the devil!" the devil appeared, smiling at the men, "well which one of you want to go to hell first?". after a pause, the mathematician walked up and handed the de...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made a...

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

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What phrase can both be said during sex and at a minigolf course?

Off to the next hole!

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

A man finds a magic lamp...

...so of course, as the deal goes, he gets his three wishes from the Genie inside the lamp.

"For my first wish, I want to be a prince", the man says.

The Genie nods. "Yes, yes. That can easily be arranged."

"For my second wish, I want to live in luxury, the most beautiful cas...

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I was sitting on the bus, next to this lady when I turned to her and said, "Hey lady, can I smell your feet?" She became offended and replied, "OF COURSE NOT!"

"Then it must be your pussy."

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A man was taking a train to the city from a rural town, when he saw the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on

Upon close inspection, it seemed that the woman was a country bumpkin; and that he overheard her say to an attendant that it was her first time riding a train, and going to a big city.


Because his lust was too strong, he was determined to take advantage of her and waited for an opportunit...

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

A state trooper pulls over a elderly lady

The state trooper approaches the car, and asks the elderly lady if she knows why he pulled her over. The elderly lady said “of course i do, you wanted to give me a personal invitation to the state troopers ball” the state trooper replied “uh ma’am. State troopers dont have balls.” He stood there for...

The test

Students in a design school were doing the final test. The assingment was to design some piece of furniture. They started. Someone was designing a couch, someone a bed, but one student was drawing a bunch of dolls in a strait line. The proffesor was surprised and he asked the student if he knew what...

Misplaced stuff

After nearly breaking my neck on a pair of bright pink roller skates on the stairs, I shouted at my son, "Are these yours?!"

He said, "Well, obviously they're not mine."

"Oh yeah, of course they aren't," I replied. Then laughed at him in his little wheelchair.

A man and his wife were sitting having breakfast when the wife said...

"If I were to die would you get married again?".

The man said "That's a terrible thing to say. It's such a beautiful morning and we're having a wonderful breakfast together you bring up this horrible thing about death. Forget about it."

But his wife didn't forget about it and she brou...

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Forgive me father for I have sinned

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit...

I have been taking an IT course for the past year.

I’ve learned a lot about computers, but I’m starting to wonder when they’ll get to the damn clown.

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I ...

A man walks into a brothel and speaks to the Old Madame up front.

The Madame asks “What kind of girl would you like?”

The man says, “Well looks aren’t important, I just need a girl who’ll say yes to anything. And I mean anything.”

“Well that shouldn’t be too hard,” chuckled the Madame. “Jennifer! Come over and help this man here.” And with that, a go...

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping he...

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

A teen walks into a pharmacy

He walks up to the register and asks the cashier, “How much are condoms?”

The cashier smirks at the boy and replies, “$5”

The boy is visibly relieved and says, “okay! I’ll take them!”

The cashier scans the box and hands them to the boys and says, “That will be $5.40”

“Wh...

A couple wins a free day at a golf course

But just a few minutes into the game, the husband breaks the window of one of the most luxurious houses nearby.

When they arrive to try to talk their way out, the door is open, and a man with a luxurious robe stands next to a expensive looking broken crystal lamp.

- are you the owner o...

Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actual...

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Ok so a horse is watchin MTV

The horse is seeing a rock band and thinks "hey I could do that." The horse calls up guitar center and is like "hey I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ha...

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit i...

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One morning a man wakes up to find a large lump growing out of his forehead.

Concerned, he goes to the doctor who runs a bunch of tests.

The doctor then tells him he has a penis growing out of his forehead, and there's nothing that can be done about it.

The man says, "So you're telling I'm going to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and see a cock stick...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Popewas on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if the ...

A proctologist fed up with his job decided to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a diesel mechanic.

He decides to enroll in a course at the local community college to learn the basics. He’s a talented student. Before he knows it, he’s acing all of the paper exams and quizzes.

At the final evaluation, the proctologist is asked to apply what he learned by completely disassembling, rebuilding,...

My teacher told us not to use the elevator in case of a fire.

"Of course," I replied, rolling my eyes. "We'll use the fire extinguisher."

“I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” Said my neighbor Mike.

Mike: “For example, do you know who Euclid is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.”

The next day the same discussion took place:

Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the...

Watched a talent show audition and of course before this guy gets up to sing he has to go on and on about how his Swedish car broke down on the way there and he has no way home, etc.

I wish people could just sing without telling a Saab story.

I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.

It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

Have you ever seen a wrestling match?

Of course you haven't, matches can't wrestle if they come in boxes

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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

I just found out that I failed my Binary 101 exam.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

Girls always say boys don't know what pain is

Of course we know what it is, its French bread!

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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

I was at a local bar last night when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed

I was at a local bar when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it.

I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dre...

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Most everyone wants to get more bang for their buck...

Except for prostitutes, of course. They want more buck for their bang.

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Little Johnny is visiting his uncle Fred the farmer...

Johnny came running in from the field one day frantically shouting “UNCLE FRED! UNCLE FRED! THE BULL IS FUCKING THE COW!!”

Fred of course found this information useful but told Johnny “thank you for tell me, but maybe instead of telling me the bull is fucking the cow, just tell me he’s SURPRI...

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A teetotal guy talking to his alcoholic mate.

Him: How many do you drink in a day?

Mate: I don't know, maybe 20.

Him: That's probably about $25. per day, so over 10 days $250.
And over 365 days that's $9,125 per year. So over the course of 20 years, that's $182,500. This could have bought you a luxury yacht.

Mate: Do you...

When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said

All of them!

The astrophysics class I wanted to take got filled up, and I now have to think of another course to replace it.

It’s not Rocket Science.

I can get laid any time I want.

Of course, that's one of the perks of being a coroner.

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A young man is walking through the woods. Suddenly a grandmother comes out of the forest.

\- My dear, I’m enchanted princess, if you sleep with me, I will turn into a beautiful girl and execute your three wishes.
The young man, of course, is disgusted, but still three wishes ... He agrees, has sex with his grandmother and says "come on, turn to a princess, here are my wishes..." <...

I saw a sign while driving saying ”put your phone down and drive” and it was right of course

it is a lot easier to text while looking down.

A blonde got tired of blonde jokes...

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last ni...

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Why doctors also need to attend Anger Management course?

A woman comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

WOMAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't unde...

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During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

A man found God one day

He asked: "God, what is one millions years to you?"
God said : "It's like one second to me"
The man said: "What about one millions dollars?"
God said: "it's like one cent to me"

After a while the man asked: "God, can you give me one cent?:
God said: "Of course, just give me a seco...

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not.

Source: course

So, someone asked me a question the other day.

They asked me if I wanted to do a threesum.

Of course, I declined the offer. Im not really a big fan of math.

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

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A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

... and sits down. The man tells the ostrich "sit" and it sits down. The man orders 2 lasagnas and 2 beers (one of each for himself and the other for the ostrich). The waitress is a little bemused but goes along and gets it. The bill arrives = $25.87. Without looking, the man puts his hand into his ...

Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This i...

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A man is about to go to a stag party with his friends.

Before he heads off, his girlfriend of 3 years tells him "You've had a history of getting stupidly drunk and leaving me to babysit you every time you come back on nights out like these. If you come back to our house drunk like that tonight, we're through."

The man agrees with her, and heads o...

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

I'm taking an assertiveness course

If that's okay

Fishing

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's...

A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...

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The story of Dave (Not my joke)

Once upon a time there was a man named Dave. Now Dave worked in a small business office where just about all his co workers knew each other well. One day, Dave’s boss wants to get to know him better so he invites Dave to go out to lunch. While they were eating lunch and talking about various things,...

Jesus and Saint Peter come down to earth to see how things are going.

After traveling all day through the universe they arrive after dark near an old farmhouse.

Not wanting to freak out the farmer, they decide to sleep in the barn.

Jesus says to Peter, ”I am going to sleep upstairs in the hayloft and you stay down here. And when you are comfortable, si...

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Over the course of my life my sexual fantasies have been getting more and more perverse.

But it wasn't till I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.

Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Officer 2: Hate crime?

Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I became a cop.

Free Drink!

Paddy went to the Doctors. and said “do you treat alcoholics”, The Dr replied, “of course we do”………Paddy said “great get your coat on, I’m feckin skint

After his rich uncle's death, he was very anxious about his uncle fortune.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" he asked repeatedly.

"Of course you are," replied the solicitor.

Right here in the second page your uncle says:

"To my niece Sally, I bequeath $123,000; to my cousin Thomas, $55,000; and to my nephew Ricky, who was always asking too know if he's me...

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A teacher is trying to instruct her class on the meaning of the word "definitely".

"Can anyone give man an example?" She asks.

Suzie raises her "the grass is definitely green."

"Sometimes the grass can be brown," the teacher answers. "Anyone else?"

"The sky is definitely blue." Says Timmy.

"The sky can by gray if it's cloudy, or black at night." Says th...

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

Interviewer:So what are some of your good qualities?

Man:Well , I can asure I am hardworking, good with teamwork, diligent, and of course trustable.

Interviewer:Amazing, what about your bad qualities do you have one?

Man:I do have ,I like to lie.

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie

House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”



The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”



Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”



“I’m a seaman, sec...

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

A little girl, around 10 years old, walks into a bakery

The baker's wife, taking care of the sales at the till, can't help but notice her deformed face, her palate cleft and her whole distorted body, forcing her to use crutches to move around. The wife, thinking what a poor life she must have had, asks kindly what she could do to help the lil girl :
...

Two Clever Nuns

There were two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder...

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