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Course Jokes

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

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A guy is playing golf on a new course

After a while he loses track of what hole he is playing so goes to the woman ahead of him and says, "excuse me miss but I seem to have lost track of what hole I'm playing. Can you help me out?" She responds, "well I'm on the 7th hole and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th." The man...

These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!

Sorry, I just had to vent.

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Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course...

"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"

The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

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The five minute management course

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before ...

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man s...

I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.

It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

Ultimate frustration on the golf course

A man has played so incredibly badly he tells his caddy “I’m so done with this game; done with life. I’m going to drown myself in that there lake.”
Caddy replies “Do you think you can keep your head down that long sir?”

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So I was telling my wife about how I got fired from the golf course earlier.

Her: How? What happened?

Me: They caught me putting my dick in the golf ball washer.

Her: \*laughs\* So then what happened to the golf ball washer?

Me: She got fired too.

My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right.

I saw my dad

My cook quit after the main course...

... I guess he desserted.

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Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One ...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a...

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."

"I'll tell you in nine months!"

Two men are golfing at a local golf course

The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.

The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."...

At the golf course

A man was waiting for an open tee at a golf course when a stranger walked up with a set of clubs and asked,

\- “I’m by myself today - wanna pair up?”

The first man was glad to have a partner, so he agreed, and off they went.

The stranger turned out to be a salesman for male en...

What is the best sarcastic joke you've ever heard?..of course I will go first..

My Ex-girlfriend was hit by a bus near my house. And I said to myself “That could've been me!!”

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus.

What's a seven-course meal in Alabama?

A possum and a six-pack.

After his very first English Lit class, a Professor is talking to a sorority girl taking the course.

He asks, “Do you like Kipling?” She blushes and answers “I don’t know. I’ve never kippled.”

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Why did Hitler storm off the golf course?

He quit after one shot in the bunker.

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, brui...

Man killed on golf course

A foursome of guys waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women were hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and f...

Have you heard about the haunted golf course?

It had a bogeyman.

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

A husband and wife are on a golf course

The wife swings and it cracks to the right nailing a house and smashing a window. Being responsible adults they went to apologize and pay for the damage. Upon knocking on the front door, the door opens wide up to a man with his arms crossed above a broken bottle. The man explains he’s a genie and ha...

Why do trans women make the best golf course grounds staff?

They're enthusiastic about getting rid of unwanted balls.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Of course it was not my intention to insult you!

Though it turned out to be a huge bonus.

Naked man on a golf course

A foresome of ladies came across a man naked, asleep in the bushes on their course. His hat was sheild in his face. “Not my husband!” says the first lady. The second and third repeat this “not my husband” refrain. The final lady approaches the man. She “hmms” and “haws” … then says “Not my hus...

I was planning to take Astrophysics as my last college course but it turns out to be full. So I have to take some other course to graduate.

It’s…not Rocket Science.

I tried joining a long-exposure photography course, but I didn’t learn anything.

It all went by in a blur.

I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night

A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato

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Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.

Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, nin...

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A woman finds a lamp and of course it contains a genie...

... which offers to give her only one wish as he is very much tired from his 10.000 years of imprisonment.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I w...

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same roles.

You know what they say about old habits.

I'm in love with a girl from my Morse code course

Not sure how she feels though, she keeps sending mixed signals.

Of course god exists

How else could those foolish athiests explain my girlfriend getting pregnant without us ever sleeping together

What's an Irish seven course meal?

a six pack and a bag of chips

I failed my course in Photography Lighting

Teacher said I wasn't bright enough.

What are college students going to do between their fall courses and their spring courses?

Hook up for inter-courses.

Of course Chewie would get angry when he loses a game!

He makes Wookie mistakes!

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. They approach the most difficult water hole on the course.

Moses steps up and puts his drive straight into the hazard. He calmly walks to the edge of the pond and raises his club. The waters part, Moses walks down to his ball, and chips it onto the green.

Jesus, up next, also sends his drive into the drink. He calmly walks out over the water, loc...

A terrible day at the golf course

John is playing golf with his wife. He gets to a difficult dogleg left par 5. But he is an avid golfer and has learned he can cut the corner by hitting his second shot over the barn the hole curves around. He hits a beautiful drive, but it goes further than normal and he is really close to the barn....

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I hit 2 good balls today on the golf course

I stepped on a rake in the bunker.

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Of course I only think with my dick...

.. he's the only one with a set of balls

Was out at a local golf course with a friend trying to get a full 18 in.

We get to the back 9. The tee box was right by the road. My friend was up to tee off when a funeral procession drives on by.

He stops, takes off his hat, placed it over his heart, and waited til the procession went by.

“That was really respectful of you,” I said.

“It’s the le...

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3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.

The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical p...

In a first year college course on philosophy, the instructor noticed one of their students about to fall asleep, so asked,

"You there, what is work?"

The student opened their eyes, thought for a second and responded, "Everything is work."

"What? Everything is work?"

"Yes, teacher."

"Then I take it you would like the class to believe that this desk is work?"

"Yes, wood work", they repl...

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

I demanded a refund for my geology course

It was very surface level.

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A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

What course do pirates take in colleges?

Arrght..



-(Courtesy of my 8 yo who told this to me tonight)

Of course Ghosts have WiFi by now

Just think about how many dead routers there are out there!

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Accident at the golf course

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the guys. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed do...

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Two worms live together on a gold course.

First worm asks what’s the weather like? Second worm says he’ll check and starts making his way up the dirt.

Meanwhile, two lady golfers are on the course. First one has to piss. Second one says just do it right here, nobody’s around.

Meanwhile the worm goes to the dirt looks up and g...

I received an email about an online course on Map Reading & Navigation.

They say it's so good you'll be able to read maps backwards.

But I soon realized it was just spam.

A beautiful female student was in danger of flunking her middle-aged male professor's course

It was near the end of the semester and she came to class in a short skirt and low-cut top. After the other students left the classroom she approached the prof.

"You know, I'd do *anything* to pass this class," she said flirtatiously.

The professor lowered his voice and looked down his...

I was on a golf course once and heard a guy yell "FOUR!"

I ducked and the ball narrowly missed my head. But the other three beaned me good.

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

Law Professor: “You’re currently failing your ethics course.”

Me: _slides a $20 note across the table_ “How about now?”
Professor: _pockets the note_ “Still failing.”
Me: “OK, can I have my $20 back?”
Professor: “What $20?”

I went to a self defense course...

I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself.

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A man and a woman are on a golf course

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

Bef...

Two men sat down at a German restaurant for a 10 course meal.

After six of the courses had come out, one of the men remarked to the other "I wonder when the sausages are going to be served.".

The waiter overheard and assured the men that the sausages were coming out eventually by saying "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come.".

What was the Golf Course in Hyrule Forest called?

Link's Links.

Engineer, of course

Two engineers were good friends and one afternoon one engineer rode up to the other on a brand new bike. The second engineer said “WOW! What a great bike. Where’d you get it?” The first engineer said, “You won’t believe me. This beautiful young woman came riding up to me, laid the bike down, took...

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

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the golf course frog

A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'rib...

What does a golf course have in common with half a dozen hookers?

18 holes.

A guy buys a golf course...

It's doing well, but maintenance costs are killing him, so he decides to build 3 robots. They're instantly doing 10 times the work of humans, & he's happy. One day the club pro is teeing off in a money game & gets blinded by the glare from a robot. Its not the first time, & he tells the ...

What did the selfish anteater say when offered a full course French dinner?

Is this all fourmis?

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A man was on a golf course near Doonbeg Ireland and was about to dip his hand in a lake to take a drink of water when the groundskeeper yelled ...

“Oy! - Dinna peut ya haand en a loch! It’s feeeled wi coo piss n coo shite!”

“Hey” - said the man. "I just bought this golf course and we’re going to have the best groundskeepers. The best. I've been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects, frankly. What you just said...

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

Just found out my friend failed her oceanography course

Apparently her grades were below C-level.

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What phrase can both be said during sex and at a minigolf course?

Off to the next hole!

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A man was golfing at a course he'd never been to and got lost.

He sees a woman ahead of him, so he approaches her.

"I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but I've never played here before and I'm a little lost. Can you tell me what hole you're on, so I can figure out my place?"

"Sure! I'm on nine and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on eight!"...

Golf Course

How did you break your leg? I fell off the ball wash.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Living next to a golf course

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."...

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What’s the best part of having sex on a golf course?

The hole experience.

What is an Irish 7-course meal?

A 6-pack and a potato.

Colleges are still offering study abroad courses...

...via Zoom meeting.

Of course I should clean the windows....

... but privacy is also important.

My brother just started taking a Klingon literature course

He says it has its prose and Khans

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

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I signed up for a sex ed course...

...it starts Monday Moanin’

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine...

Of course.

Two blondes are walking along and they find a “compact” (for make-up) on the sidewalk.

The first blonde picks it up, opens it and looks in the little mirror.

“Oh!”, she says. “This person looks very familiar!”

The other blonde grabs the compact, looks in the mirror and says, <...

My false advertising course...

Is SO WORTH the 7,000 pounds a year that I pay.

A woman got stung by a bee on the golf course

As she was allergic to bee stings, she frantically ran to the clubhouse to get help. "I've been stung by a bee," she cried to the clubhouse attendant. "Where were you stung?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she said. He replied, "I think your stance may be a little too wide."

I'm taking an assertiveness course

If that's okay

A man is invited to a posh private golf course by his boss.

The place is great! They enjoy a round of golf and at the clubhouse the boss says "Get yourself a shower while I talk to my friends here; I'll see you in the restaurant."
He goes in, turns left to the showers, and is just coming out of a stall when he hears female voices! He's in the *womens* s...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

An Exclusive Golf Course

This golf nut had waited his whole life to play on a very exclusive golf course, and he finally got his chance. He was paired with another guy he didn't know who had also lucked into a round there.

At one point, a funeral procession came down the street. The first man stopped, while he was p...

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

It’s a beautiful day on the golf course

A man, mid 40s, white polo shirt, is lining up for his shot on the 10th hole. Just as he enters his backswing a voice comes over the loudspeaker from the clubhouse-
“Will the gentleman in the ladies’ tee-box on hole 10 please move back to the men’s tee-box”

Backswing interrupted, the man s...

I'm thinking of taking a course on decoding binary.

It's going from 10 to 2.

I signed up for Binary 101, but failed it miserably.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

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A bee landed on a girl's chest at the sex addiction therapy course.

Apparently screaming Boo Bee at her chest was wrong...

I’m only three weeks into my epidemiology course

and I’ve already been failed for plaguerism.

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

My wife asked me "do I look fat in these jeans?"

I said "promise not to be mad whatever I say?"

She replied "yes of course!"

I said "I banged your sister".

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

I just did a course qualifying me in Circular Swimming

It cost me an arm and a leg, but it works

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

During the USSR regime a communist governor is visiting one of the small towns in his district

The mayor of the town is excited to show the governor how dedicated his people are to the communist party, so as they are walking through the town bazaar, he pulls one of the farmers aside
to ask him a couple of questions.

He asked "Comrade, if you had two apartments, wouldn't you be ...

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Of course the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia.

Otherwise it would’ve been called the teethbrush.

Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a...

I did a self defense course

I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion

An old man died on the golf course...

He lost by one stroke.

Four men are on the golf course one day

Four men are on the golf course one day and as they're teeing up, a funeral procession drives by. The guy set to drive stops mid swing, steps back and removes his cap until the procession is gone.

One of his group says, "That was damn considerate of you Billy."

Billy replied, "It's the...

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Of course men work harder than women

Women get it right the first time.

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I went on a positive thinking course today.

It was shit.

A woman runs into the clubhouse on a golf course, breathless.

“Help... I’ve been stung by a bee...” she gasps.

“Where did this happen?” asks the pro drinking at the bar.

“Between the first and second holes,” she replies.

“Clearly madam, your stance is too wide.”

Two friends lived in a Communist country.

The first friend asked, "Comrade, if you had two houses, would you give one of them to me?"

The second friend replied, "Of course, Comrade!"

The first friend was happy with this answer. He then asked, "If you had two cars, would you give one of them to me?"

"Of course!" replied ...

I just started going for a sniper training course

My trainer told me that sniping is like programming, you gotta C#.

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