Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship

Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?"

Yoda answers: "off course, we are"

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

A pompous student is taking a college course but never shows up to class. on the day of exams...

On the day of exams the student comes in and starts writing his essay with the rest as if he’s been there the whole time. The professor sees this and thinks how weird it is that the kid is taking the exam without going to the classes. Anyways the time is nearing the end and the professor announces t...

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

​

The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”

​

Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

&a...

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfe...

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Over the course of my life my sexual fantasies have been getting more and more perverse.

But it wasn't till I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.

What's an Irish seven course meal?

A six pack and a potato.

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently, "extremely large ones" wasn’t an acceptable answer.

[Old] As the president of the United States, Donald Trump is required to take an obstacle course...

The man running the obstacle course tells him that in order to pass the test, he needs to get a time under 12 minutes. Trump tries his hardest going through the obstacle course, getting a time of 11:24. Happy with his time, he asks the man running the obstacle course: "Did I get the best time?"
<...

A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...

A young attractive college student about to fail the course approaches her professor after class...

They are alone in the room and she sits on his desk.

She leans in close and says "you know, I'm willing to do anything for a better grade..."

The professor looks her up and down, and says "anything?".

She gives a seductive wink, licks her lips, and says "anything..."

Prof...

What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse.

What was the tiny golf course measured in?

Par secs

Wore two pairs of socks to the golf course today

Just incase I got a hole in one.

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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.

It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

A woman bursts into the clubhouse at a golf course, out of breath...

“Is there a doctor in the house?” She gasps.


A guy nursing a pint at the bat looks up. “What seems to be the problem?” He asks.

“I’ve been stung by a bee.” She replies.

“Where?”

“Between the first and second holes.”

He returns to his drink. “Clearly madam, your...

I heard the counselling course for self harmers is fully booked

Those who missed out are kicking themselves.

I took my first course in 'How to be a sketch artist' only yesterday

And I'm already drawing large crowds.

A golfer is having a horrible day on the course.

After another shot into the woods, he says aloud, “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”

His caddy puts the club back into his bag and says, “Try just heaven, because you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

I asked my friend if she has ever smelled moth balls..."she said of course I have and you haven't?"

I told her no because I couldn't get his little legs apart.

A nice Jewish girl asked for my number. I of course was happy to tell her...

“Oh! We use names here, sorry.”

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.

One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.

Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother ...

An Exclusive Golf Course

This golf nut had waited his whole life to play on a very exclusive golf course, and he finally got his chance. He was paired with another guy he didn't know who had also lucked into a round there.

At one point, a funeral procession came down the street. The first man stopped, while he was p...

Jesus Playing Golf

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day.

This course had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water.

"Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus. "I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,  and if Arnold Pal...

I took my son to an obstacle course for kids

Most boring PowerPoint I’ve ever sat through

Did you know that in the Canary Islands there are no canaries? Same goes for the Virgin Islands of course.

There are no canaries there either.

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses...

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A British ship is on a collision course and this is the following transcription with an Irish:

Irish: We need you to divert your course 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision.

British: No, you need to move your ship 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision. We’re not moving.

Irish: Negative. We’re gonna need you to divert your course to avoid a collision. Now!

British...

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I had to follow a soft skills course “How to give constructive criticism”.

It was total shit.

A young man gets paired with and older gentleman on a golf course

On the first hole the young man slightly miss hits the ball a few meters away from a tree. Gauging whether he should chip the ball around the tree or try and make it over, he ask the older man for his advice to which the man replies “I’ve hit it over that tree many times.” So the young man try’s his...

Golf Course

How did you break your leg? I fell off the ball wash.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hi...

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Trump, Saudi King & Putin find a Lamp on a golf course.

During a world leaders meeting President Trump, The Saudi King and Vladimir Putin take time out to go for a stroll to examine the resorts golf course and settle their differences.

Whilst over the green on the 1st hole President Trump and Putin get into a heated argument. The Saudi King takes ...

My therapist asked me if I was a stress eater. I said of course I'm not a stress eater.

If I could eat stress, I wouldn't need to eat all this food when I'm stressed out!

My wife said "Am I a trial to you?" and of course I said no.

Because to be honest it's more like a sentence.

What does an unchallenging mini-golf course have in common with a strip club?

During daytime hours they’re both sub-par

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and....

asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, ...

I've had 3 wives over the course of my life.

My first wife, I married in Vegas. We were both drunk and the marriage didn't even last a day. I never saw her again.

&#x200B;

My second wife was my best friend of many years, and our marriage lasted 5 more. Eventually, we decided that marriage wasn't for us, and we were fine just ...

Of course men work harder than women

Women get it right the first time.

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

I was sorry to hear I’d failed the analogy course...

It hit me like a length of ham

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

I enrolled in a course called, “Basic Origami for Nitwits” and you’re probably thinking, “Why?”

Well, the answer is twofold...

Well to be perfectly honest, in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also by looking into this matter in a different perspective and without being condemning of one's view's and by trying to make it objectified,

And by considering each and every one's valid opinion, I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to say.

Two mathematicians were in a fire safety course

The instructor asks the first one, "You're in a room with a bed, a sink, and a bucket. The bed is on fire. What do you do?"

First mathematician: Fill the bucket with water from the sink, and pour it on the bed.

Instructor: Good. Next question. You're in a room with a bed, a garbage can...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man s...

He: Would you sleep with me for $10000? She: Yes, of course I would. He: So will you sleep with me for $20? She: What do you think I am?

He: I thought we just clarified that.

LPT: If you're flying a small aircraft and you have to make an emergency landing, try to land on a golf course. There is a better chance that there may be a doctor on the course to treat any injuries.

... you might be able to take out a few lawyers on the ground as well.

What course did the average Redditor fail in college?

Intercourse.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused....

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.



She replied, "...

A young man meets an old man on the golf course...

They play a few holes together and get to the 5th green which sits right next to a road. As the old guy is about to hit his putt a funeral procession slowly drives by.

The old man steps away from his ball, takes off his hat and lowers his head for a moment.

Then he steps back up to hi...

How much does a 5-course Chinese dinner weigh?

Only wonton

Did you hear about the brothel that opened across the street from a golf course?

It too has 36 championship holes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One ...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today I was offered sex by a young attractive woman, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and strong will power.

Almost as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

The stop taking things literally course

Huggo: Hi, is this the stop taking things literally course?

Teacher: Yes, please take a seat

Huggo: Ok sure! *Takes a seat and walks out of the class*

Teacher:

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Welcome to the "Masturbation 101" course. This is quite sudden, but there will be a test next week.

I hope all of you will come

My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

My neighbors tried to have me charged with disturbing the peace, claiming I incessantly sing Culture Club at all hours of the night. The judge threw out the case of course, so I guess you could say that,

I'm a man, without conviction.

I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course?

Shlalom

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a sex change on a Mexican golf course?

A hole in Juan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy at a golf course meets another guy with a big silver case......

..curious, he asks his new friend what’s in there.
“I’m a high end assassin, this is my rifle, I charge £5,000 per bullet”
“Wow can I see?”
So the assassin hands the guy the super powerful scope and says “see what you think”
As he looks through the scope he sees his house “wow this is g...

A professor was teaching a languages course

"In English" he said, "A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"

A man in is a golf course locker room when...

He hears a cell phone ringing and picks it up

"Hi Honey how was golfing?"

"Good. How is your day going?"

"Good. I was wondering if I could buy this necklace for $250 is that okay?"

"Of course! Put it on my card."

"Since you're in such a good mood, can we get the ne...

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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a h...

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A golfer went to the golf course to get away from his nagging wife.

When he arrived at the golf course, he saw a man with a giant sniper rifle.

"why are you carrying a rifle around?"
he asked.

"oh, I'm a hitman. you want anybody dead? 1000 bucks a shot!" the gunman replied. "look through this scope, you can see the whole town from here!"

the ...

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't g...

Of course the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia.

Otherwise it would’ve been called the teethbrush.

My girlfriend wants prostitution legalized so she can start a Hooker Training Course...

...I told her I disagreed with that school of thot

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. One day a bottle washes up and of course there is a genie in it who pops out and grants them one wish each.

The brunette says " that's easy - I wish to go home" and POOF her wish was granted.

The redhead is next and says "I wish I was at home" and POOF her wish is granted.

The genie looks at the blond and she says "I can't decide... I wish my friends were here to help me..."

'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself,...

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A young boy was going to the golf course with his grandfather

He was looking around the trunk of the new BMW. “What’re these?” he asked, pulling a small sack from the golf bag after his grandfather had loaded his clubs.

“Those are tees,” the old man said. “You put your balls in them when you drive.”

“Wow,” the boy said, “those BMW people think ...

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Mario...

Ladies at the Golf Course

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stare in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, "He is definitely not my husband." The second lad...

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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."

"My minds made up." I insisted.

"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Of course.

Two blondes are walking along and they find a “compact” (for make-up) on the sidewalk.

The first blonde picks it up, opens it and looks in the little mirror.

“Oh!”, she says. “This person looks very familiar!”

The other blonde grabs the compact, looks in the mirror and says, <...

I had an Irish seven-course meal for St. Patrick’s Day

A six-pack of beer and a potato.

I recently opened a combination sandwich shop/mini golf course

I thought it was a good idea, but the reviews said the experience was sub-par

Of Course the Moon Landings Were Staged

I've never heard of a single staged rocket going to the moon.

A woman is stung by a bee on a golf course

She goes into anaphylactic shock due to an allergy and they take her to a doctor.

"Where was she stung?", asked the doctor.

"Between the first and second hole.",

"Well she may need to work on her stance."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

A guy reads an ad for a car driving course. 'Learn how to drive in only 5 minutes!'

He turns up and asks, "How the hell can you teach how to drive in only 5 minutes?" The teacher replies, "It's a crash course."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Of course us gays dress well,

We didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

I just started going for a sniper training course

My trainer told me that sniping is like programming, you gotta C#.

Bubba and Cooter sign up for college courses

Bubba goes into the counselors office first. The school counselor offers Bubba several different courses including logic 101....

Bubba:What is logic?

Counselor: Well, let me give you an example! Do you own a weed eater?

Bubba: Yup.

Counselor: Then I can as...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went on a positive thinking course

It was shit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Texan surgeons are having a conversation on a golf course

The first one says: "I'm the best surgeon in Texas! A concert pianist has lost 7 fingers in an accident and I managed to sew them to his hand again. Tomorrow he will be playing for the Queen of England in an private audience!"

Says the second one: "Thats nothing! A young man lost both of his ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four men are on the golf course....

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home ...

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