I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.

It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

A nice Jewish girl asked for my number. I of course was happy to tell her...

“Oh! We use names here, sorry.”

I asked my friend if she has ever smelled moth balls..."she said of course I have and you haven't?"

I told her no because I couldn't get his little legs apart.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

A British ship is on a collision course and this is the following transcription with an Irish:

Irish: We need you to divert your course 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision.

British: No, you need to move your ship 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision. We’re not moving.

Irish: Negative. We’re gonna need you to divert your course to avoid a collision. Now!

British...

My wife said "Am I a trial to you?" and of course I said no.

Because to be honest it's more like a sentence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had to follow a soft skills course “How to give constructive criticism”.

It was total shit.

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

Jesus Playing Golf

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day.

This course had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water.

"Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus. "I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,  and if Arnold Pal...

Did you know that in the Canary Islands there are no canaries? Same goes for the Virgin Islands of course.

There are no canaries there either.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

An Exclusive Golf Course

This golf nut had waited his whole life to play on a very exclusive golf course, and he finally got his chance. He was paired with another guy he didn't know who had also lucked into a round there.

At one point, a funeral procession came down the street. The first man stopped, while he was p...

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses...

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

I was sorry to hear I’d failed the analogy course...

It hit me like a length of ham

What does an unchallenging mini-golf course have in common with a strip club?

During daytime hours they’re both sub-par

I enrolled in a course called, “Basic Origami for Nitwits” and you’re probably thinking, “Why?”

Well, the answer is twofold...

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

I've had 3 wives over the course of my life.

My first wife, I married in Vegas. We were both drunk and the marriage didn't even last a day. I never saw her again.

​

My second wife was my best friend of many years, and our marriage lasted 5 more. Eventually, we decided that marriage wasn't for us, and we were fine just ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump, Saudi King & Putin find a Lamp on a golf course.

During a world leaders meeting President Trump, The Saudi King and Vladimir Putin take time out to go for a stroll to examine the resorts golf course and settle their differences.

Whilst over the green on the 1st hole President Trump and Putin get into a heated argument. The Saudi King takes ...

Of course men work harder than women

Women get it right the first time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and....

asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, ...

Well to be perfectly honest, in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also by looking into this matter in a different perspective and without being condemning of one's view's and by trying to make it objectified,

And by considering each and every one's valid opinion, I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to say.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hi...

My therapist asked me if I was a stress eater. I said of course I'm not a stress eater.

If I could eat stress, I wouldn't need to eat all this food when I'm stressed out!

Two mathematicians were in a fire safety course

The instructor asks the first one, "You're in a room with a bed, a sink, and a bucket. The bed is on fire. What do you do?"

First mathematician: Fill the bucket with water from the sink, and pour it on the bed.

Instructor: Good. Next question. You're in a room with a bed, a garbage can...

A young man meets an old man on the golf course...

They play a few holes together and get to the 5th green which sits right next to a road. As the old guy is about to hit his putt a funeral procession slowly drives by.

The old man steps away from his ball, takes off his hat and lowers his head for a moment.

Then he steps back up to hi...

How much does a 5-course Chinese dinner weigh?

Only wonton

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man s...

What course did the average Redditor fail in college?

Intercourse.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused....

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.



She replied, "...

Did you hear about the brothel that opened across the street from a golf course?

It too has 36 championship holes.

My neighbors tried to have me charged with disturbing the peace, claiming I incessantly sing Culture Club at all hours of the night. The judge threw out the case of course, so I guess you could say that,

I'm a man, without conviction.

He: Would you sleep with me for $10000? She: Yes, of course I would. He: So will you sleep with me for $20? She: What do you think I am?

He: I thought we just clarified that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today I was offered sex by a young attractive woman, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and strong will power.

Almost as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course?

Shlalom

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a sex change on a Mexican golf course?

A hole in Juan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Our professor accidentally emailed us a porn link instead of the course outline.

The students are thinking hard about the content.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A golfer went to the golf course to get away from his nagging wife.

When he arrived at the golf course, he saw a man with a giant sniper rifle.

"why are you carrying a rifle around?"
he asked.

"oh, I'm a hitman. you want anybody dead? 1000 bucks a shot!" the gunman replied. "look through this scope, you can see the whole town from here!"

the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy at a golf course meets another guy with a big silver case......

..curious, he asks his new friend what’s in there.
“I’m a high end assassin, this is my rifle, I charge £5,000 per bullet”
“Wow can I see?”
So the assassin hands the guy the super powerful scope and says “see what you think”
As he looks through the scope he sees his house “wow this is g...

My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One ...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Welcome to the "Masturbation 101" course. This is quite sudden, but there will be a test next week.

I hope all of you will come

Of course the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia.

Otherwise it would’ve been called the teethbrush.

The stop taking things literally course

Huggo: Hi, is this the stop taking things literally course?

Teacher: Yes, please take a seat

Huggo: Ok sure! *Takes a seat and walks out of the class*

Teacher:

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. One day a bottle washes up and of course there is a genie in it who pops out and grants them one wish each.

The brunette says " that's easy - I wish to go home" and POOF her wish was granted.

The redhead is next and says "I wish I was at home" and POOF her wish is granted.

The genie looks at the blond and she says "I can't decide... I wish my friends were here to help me..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy was going to the golf course with his grandfather

He was looking around the trunk of the new BMW. “What’re these?” he asked, pulling a small sack from the golf bag after his grandfather had loaded his clubs.

“Those are tees,” the old man said. “You put your balls in them when you drive.”

“Wow,” the boy said, “those BMW people think ...

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

My girlfriend wants prostitution legalized so she can start a Hooker Training Course...

...I told her I disagreed with that school of thot

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't g...

Luke: are we going the right way Yoda?

Yoda: Of course we are

A man in is a golf course locker room when...

He hears a cell phone ringing and picks it up

"Hi Honey how was golfing?"

"Good. How is your day going?"

"Good. I was wondering if I could buy this necklace for $250 is that okay?"

"Of course! Put it on my card."

"Since you're in such a good mood, can we get the ne...

Ladies at the Golf Course

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stare in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, "He is definitely not my husband." The second lad...

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself,...

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

I feel bad for the people that mow the edges of golf courses.

They have a rough job.

Of course.

Two blondes are walking along and they find a “compact” (for make-up) on the sidewalk.

The first blonde picks it up, opens it and looks in the little mirror.

“Oh!”, she says. “This person looks very familiar!”

The other blonde grabs the compact, looks in the mirror and says, <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Mario...

A professor was teaching a languages course

"In English" he said, "A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

A woman is stung by a bee on a golf course

She goes into anaphylactic shock due to an allergy and they take her to a doctor.

"Where was she stung?", asked the doctor.

"Between the first and second hole.",

"Well she may need to work on her stance."

I had an Irish seven-course meal for St. Patrick’s Day

A six-pack of beer and a potato.

I recently opened a combination sandwich shop/mini golf course

I thought it was a good idea, but the reviews said the experience was sub-par

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes ...

A guy reads an ad for a car driving course. 'Learn how to drive in only 5 minutes!'

He turns up and asks, "How the hell can you teach how to drive in only 5 minutes?" The teacher replies, "It's a crash course."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went on a positive thinking course

It was shit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.<...

I just started going for a sniper training course

My trainer told me that sniping is like programming, you gotta C#.

"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."

"My minds made up." I insisted.

"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

Bubba and Cooter sign up for college courses

Bubba goes into the counselors office first. The school counselor offers Bubba several different courses including logic 101....

Bubba:What is logic?

Counselor: Well, let me give you an example! Do you own a weed eater?

Bubba: Yup.

Counselor: Then I can as...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Of course us gays dress well,

We didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

Of Course the Moon Landings Were Staged

I've never heard of a single staged rocket going to the moon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Texan surgeons are having a conversation on a golf course

The first one says: "I'm the best surgeon in Texas! A concert pianist has lost 7 fingers in an accident and I managed to sew them to his hand again. Tomorrow he will be playing for the Queen of England in an private audience!"

Says the second one: "Thats nothing! A young man lost both of his ...

At first I didn't think I needed my History course on Columbus's ships bringing harmful insects to America.

But it ended up being an import ant class.

My boss said, "You won't amount to nothing." But he was wrong of course.

He should have said "anything".

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

What's the difference between a cemetery and a golf course?

There's only 18 holes in a golf course.

I thought of this but maybe it's already a thing.
Edit: spelling

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four men are on the golf course....

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home ...

Our two new mods, ElderCunningham and iBleeedorange

Hey guys,

Not too long ago we started advertising new moderator positions for /r/jokes, and after receiving a bunch of submissions, we found our two candidates.

I've asked them to write up a brief introduction for themselves.

First up is /u/iBleeedorange, who also mods /r/diablo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

Did you hear the one about the skydiver who liked to land on golf courses?

He made a hole in one.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night

A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

An old man, Jim, goes to the golf course...

An old man goes to the golf course to play a round but needs someone else to help watch his ball. He sees another elderly gentlemen on the putting green. He walks over to him and says " Hey, are you looking to play a round? I could use someone to watch my ball because I can't see very well."

...

Why did the Republican hate his logic course?

Because Philosophy is considered a *liberal* art

Why are differential equation courses so dry?

Because the problems are all about losing liquids at varying rates.

So an elderly golfer dies on the course and arrives at the pearly gates...

St. Peter looks upon his life and deems him worthy to enter heaven. But first, St. Peter asks him to recall the moments leading to his demise.

"I went out to the golf course, like i do every so often, and I was having a particularly great round. I was even on target to set a new personal best...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife head to the golf course...

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favourite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an...