UPJOKE
cheesecakecheesecakemilkmascarponegarliccurdphbreaddessertcookiekraft foodsbagelcreambrie

Cream Cheese Jokes

Customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Me: sorry, we only take cash

Manager: can I talk to you

Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section.

I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.

What do you call a bagel with cream cheese and paprika?

A pap schmear.

Breaking news: Philadelphia Cream Cheese's New Ad Slams Competitor Brand's product!

It's just a regular smear campaign.

What is cream cheese's favorite part of a wedding

The Toast

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an American, I'm surprised by how unpopular cream cheese and peanut butter are in the rest of the world...

I just thought they would have spread more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

My all-time favorite joke: The Forgetful Couple

An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says "I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?"

His wife says "I'd like an ice cream sundae. Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--"

"I'm not going to forget," he w...

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

I know, says the second owner.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old men discuss their sex lives. (Long)

Mort and Saul meet every two weeks in the park and one day Mort says so, how's with you? Saul says Not so good, my sex life is not so good. What's wrong Mort asks. I haven't had sex in a long time Saul says. To which Mort says you should go see this hooker I know and ask for the bagel treatment. Wh...

What does an Chinese person put cream cheese on?

a beagle

Sundae

An elderly couple is sitting in their living room, when the Mrs gets an idea.

"Honey," she exclaimed, "Would you mind going out and picking me up an ice cream sundae?"

"Sure," He says, "I've got nothing else better to do."

"But I want a special sundae, would you like me to write...

Worst/Best joke I've heard.

An alien is flying over the earth in his spaceship when it suddenly starts to lose control and crashes on Earth. The alien survives the crash with minimal injuries and gets to work repairing his ship.

After a few days of work he completes everything only to find the gormack has been damaged a...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.