UPJOKE
orchidflavoringvanilla extractflavorcaramelraspberrycinnamonzestpomegranatemadagascarchocolatespicecreamlemonflavour

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

An Instagram influencer, life coach, MLM hun entered a Starbucks and ordered a venti fatfree sugarfree oatmilk vanilla latte extra hot with two extra shots

She was about to give her name. The Barista waved her off and said "I got this Karen!"

I saw Vanilla Ice at Madison Square Garden.

He sold me a hot dog.

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

A penguin in the desert

A penguin is driving through the desert when all of the sudden his car starts spewing smoke from under the hood and slows down. He manages to drive it to a small desert town and sees an auto mechanic’s shop and pulls in. The mechanic tells him he’s a little busy but can take a look at his car in a...

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I always wondered how people evolved from plain vanilla sex to extreme.

No more wondering - I've found the missing kink.

What do you call a white person having a seizure?

A vanilla shake!

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

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Chocolate

An older woman is going to the ice cream parlor to order gallons of ice cream for her self. When she arrives, the man at the counter greets her and asks her what ice cream she would like.

So she asks "I would like a gallon of vanilla, strawberry, sherbert, and Chocolate."

The gentlema...

I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla

Ice creamed

A lady walks into an ice cream shop. "Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.

"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach h...

Vanilla Ice has started a new business teaching Microsoft Office to people’s parents.

Word to your mother.

What happens when Vanilla Ice gets hot?

>!You get bean water.!<

A penguin was driving down Route 66…

He started to have car trouble and broke down in the middle of the desert.

He called for a local tow truck, and they said they’d be there in about an hour, so the penguin sat and waited.

The tow truck finally came and drove the penguin and the car to the mechanic shop. The mechanic s...

What’s the difference between vanilla and French vanilla ice cream?

Cowardice.

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A woman walks into an icecream shop

W: Hi! May I get two scoops of chocolate please?

M: I'm sorry, ma'am. We are currently out of chocolate.

W: What a shame. Well, then could I have a scoop of strawberry, a scoop of vanilla annnnd... A scoop of chocolate please?

M: Ma'am, I will be happy to get you strawberry and ...

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic…

A penguin drives his car to the mechanic’s shop and says the engine is making a weird noise.

“Alright,” the mechanic says. “Give me a little bit and I’ll take a look. In the meantime, you can go to the ice cream shack across the street…”

The penguin went an ordered a vanilla ice crea...

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A guy asks his friend why he wants to become rich so badly

The friend says, "Simply so I can indulge my sexual fantasies..."

And he goes, "Jesus, from what you've told me I figured you're more on the vanilla side."

His friend replies, "Oh, I am."

Confused, the guy asks, "Then why do need to be rich to pay for normal sex?"

So his ...

After his popularity waned, Vanilla Ice...

Took a job at a hospital information desk. A panicked man ran up and asked "Where's the ICU?! My mom's been in a horrible accident!" Without looking up, Vanilla sighed heavily and said "Ward 2: Your Mother."

Vanilla Ice should be President

If there's a problem, yo, he'll solve it.

A man goes to a bakery

He tells the baker that he needs a cake, but doesn’t know what flavor.

The baker offers to let the man try all of his cake flavors.

The man tries chocolate, strawberry, lemon, raspberry, German chocolate, vanilla, blueberry, red velvet, carrot, and marble.

After finishing the l...

Why did the waitress say when Rick Astley asked to fast track his order of apple pie and vanilla ice cream?

I"m never gonna run around and dessert you.

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

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Johnny walked in the the ice cream store

He asked for one scoop of chocolate and one scoop of vanilla.

The man behind the counter says "I'm sorry, but we are all out of chocolate."

So johnny says "hmm, in that case I'll take one scoop of strawberry and one scoop of chocolate."

The man looks at johnny and says " I'm sor...

If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood...

she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

Two men are walking down the street when they see a dog....

Two men are walking down the street when they see a dog with one of its hind legs up in the air and it’s snout buried in its crotch. They stop for a moment as the dog furiously tongues its balls.... just goin’ to town on himself. The first man turns to his friend and asks, “Wow, man..... my wife is ...

I ate a piece of fresh salmon that was marinated in vanilla and now my stomach is hurting....

I think I might have salmonilla.

What happens when you fart next to vanilla ice?

He farts almost exactly like you, and argues there was 1extra note.

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i'm working on a porn filtering app that would show only vanilla porn...

but I can't work out the kinks

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

I told my sister that if you rearrange the letters in 'vanilla' you get 'pirate'

Her: no you don't

Me: yes, 'a villain' with a missing i.



Note: true story

Today is the Dali Lamas 82nd birthday but he couldn't decide if he wanted a vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry birthday cake...

...so he decided to be made one with everything.

A penguin is driving his car through the desert

All of a sudden he finds himself broken down and he's in the middle of nowhere. He pushes his car all the way to the nearest mechanic, takes him days. By the time he arrives he's sweating like a pig, exhausted, basically just barely alive. The mechanic takes the car to his workshop and gets the peng...

A new study found

A new study found

that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..

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I'm so pissed off with the new candle store in town. The times I've gone in they haven't even had vanilla or apple candles in stock.

They lack common scents.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

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The wife asked, "why do you smell like vanilla?"

I don't know, the stripper smelled like orange.

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, b...

Did you know that Vanilla Ice is now working as a computer literacy instructor?

He's at the community college teaching word to your mother.

In our fridge there is condensed milk, evaporated milk, vanilla and eggs.

So I put a sticker on it saying, "Warning: Highly Flannable."

I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior.

I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"

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A teacher in 1st grade at school is angry with a student that always swears and pays no attention to the lesson

"what's your problem?" Teacher asks

"Miss, I think I shouldn't be in the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm far smarter than her. I should be at least in the 3rd grade" he replies.

She goes with him to the principal, with whom agree to do some knowledge tests.

-wha...

A Penguin is driving on a scorching day out near Nowhere, Texas

… and his car breaks down. Penguin gets his car towed to the nearest shop.

Mechanic says “looks like you blew a seal”. He asks the mechanic how long it should take. The mechanic says probably a few hours. So the penguin asks if there's anywhere to go to cool off while he waits. Mechanic says...

Ice

Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, and Ice-T walk into a bar.

The bartender says: “Wow, it’s cold in here!”

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop..

He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'

The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'

The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'

The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are complet...

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A man walks into a coffee shop

And orders a shot of espresso with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. When he receives his order, he's dismayed to find only a shot of espresso.

"Hey!" he asks the barista, "why didn't you add the ice cream?"

"Sorry sir" he says, "affagato."

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

Whats a football fans favorite flavour of icecream?

Aston vanilla

Two elderly men sitting in park

Two elderly men sitting in park. Both are starting to have Alzheimer symptoms. They discuss as they usually do on Monday PMs.



One of them sees a food truck across the park and tells the other one: "I'd like an ice cream, chocolate almonds ice cream. Do you want me to get you one ?"...

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

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Two men with Alzheimer’s at the bech

Edit: *Beach (haha)

....they are peckish and want some food.

The first man (Bob) says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”

Carl: Sure what do you want?

Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.
...

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What's the best name for the groups of armed anti-stay-at-home protesters?

Vanilla Isis

Flu Klux Klan

Lack Panthers

HamAss

Meal Team Six

Gravy Seals

Irrational Guard

Y'all Qaeda

Branch Covidians

Boko Moron

The Coughedaracy

101st Chairborne

Cosplaytriots

The Yeehadis

Hogan's Ze...

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Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”

The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”

Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, ...

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...

...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin...

A walruses car broke down.

While waiting for the mechanic to troubleshoot the problem he decided to walk to the ice cream parlor. He ordered a vanilla ice cream cone and ate it while walking back to the car shop. As he finished the last bite he realized he forgot to grab a napkin. As he desperately tried to clean his very sti...

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They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

An old couple was realizing they were losing their memory

They decided they would go to a doctor to see about the problem

The doctor said “Well, there isn’t very much I can do, but you could try one thing.”

“What’s that?” They said

“You could try writing everything down, so if you ever forgot something, you would have a reference.”...

A penguin is driving along...

A penguin is driving along when he starts having engine trouble, lights blinking...steam hissing..

He pulls over at the first repair shop he sees and the mechanic comes out to meet him. After a minute or two, the mechanic tells the penguin, "I'm a little backed up now, but if you give me a co...

If Ice Cream Required a Prescription

Each scoop would cost $300 negotiated down to a mere $50.

It would only be available at the pharmacy across town.

You would have to buy 200 pounds at a shot and store it on your own.

There would only be one flavor, black licorice.

It'll take 20 years for a generic ice...

If Kanye West is running ...

I think Vanilla Ice should run for president at some point as well. He'd have a solid campaign slogan "If there was a problem, I'll solve it" and he'd make everyone collaborate and listen.

One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

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First Time Teacher

Day 1 of home schooling


0800  opened school website to get assignments.


0900  found where assignments were hidden on the website.


0915  called school to have the website explained.


0930  called school again.


0945  Had wife call school ...

This year's Thanksgiving playlist is a buffet by ear, if you will...

The main dish will be Lambchop seasoned with Red Hot Chili Peppers & Salt-n-Pepa.

Accompanied by the side dishes: The Cranberries, Korn, and Black Eyed Peas.

And for dessert we'll have Vanilla Ice..Cream..Cake.

An old couple talks to their doctor about their memory loss. The doctor suggests that they write things down so they don't forget.

One day, both of them are sitting on the couch when Grandma asks for a bowl of ice cream.

"Coming right up," Gramps says, slowly getting onto his feet and heading towards the kitchen.

"Aren't you going to write that down?"

"Write that down? Of course not. I can remember a bowl o...

A penguin is driving down a desert road...

...when he hears a strange sound coming from his engine.

At the next town he pulls into the service shop and asks for help.

The mechanic says, “It’s gonna take about 20 minuets to check this out. You look pretty hot, you should go get an Ice Cream at the shop across the street to coo...

Walter and Agnes have been married for 50 years.

They’ve had a beautiful life together, but as they’ve gotten older, they’ve become more forgetful. Walter even went to play a round of golf the other day and forgot his clubs!

Agnes decided it was time to go to the doctor and see if anything could be done about their memory problems. The doct...

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Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now NSFW

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now and the vanilla sex stuff really got us bored. So we decided to finally step up the game. We tried blindfolds, wax, tying each other up but it was just not working for us. I brought up the topic of anal but she was really scared of it because i...

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop.

The owner walks up and asks the man what he would like.

“I’ll take a chocolate ice cream in a cone please.”

“Sorry, we’re actually out of chocolate. We only have vanilla and strawberry available,” replies the owner.

“Hmmm, well in that case I’ll take a scoop of chocolate in a cu...

A penguin sent his car to the mechanic before going to the ice cream shop...

He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.

Mechanic: It looks like you blew a seal.

Penguin: Ah no that’s just ice cream.

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

A mommy mole, daddy mole, and baby mole are together in their burrow

Mommy mole sticks her head out and sniffs the air. She asks, "What's that smell? Is it brown sugar?"

Daddy mole sticks his head out to sniff around, "No I don't think so. Smells like vanilla to me."

The baby mole still in the burrow says "I don't know what you guys are talking about. ...

This is a joke someone told me called the penguin story

A penguin is driving down the road when he hears a weird sound coming from his car so he starts looking around for a mechanic shop. Eventually he finds one and pulls his car in to the parking lot. He goes to the lobby where the mechanic is. The mechanic looks at the penguin and says “Mr. penguin wha...

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While waiting in line at an ice cream shop an elderly woman orders a plain chocolate cone.

The man behind the counter said “we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what would you like?”

She again attempts to order plain chocolate. The man repeats “Ma’am we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what wou...

What's your favorite type of shake?

Chocolate, vanilla, or Parkinson's?

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A girl asked me to have sex with her

I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this 21-year-old girl who was a laundry detergent promoter. She told me she would have sex with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.
I was sadly amazed and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her an...

I'm so pale...

I'm so pale that when I went outside last winter, the neighborhood kids said, "Hey, look! Frosty's on a diet!"

I'm so pale that when I worked in the ice cream parlor and was giving a kid his vanilla cone, he started licking my hand.

I'm so pale that my house is listed as haunted. It ...

NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert...

...when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.

The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what's wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating do...

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You know how they say blondes are dumb?

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop

She's greeted by the cashier who says welcome to my ice cream shop we have almost every flavor you can think of but unfortunately we are out of all chocolate items including ice cream and toppings so what are you having today miss?

She replies can ...

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One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food s...

What's Adam Ant's favourite flavour of ice cream?

Standard Vanilla

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

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A blonde goes to an ice cream parlor

A blonde goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate."

"Oh," says the blonde. "In that case I'll have some chocolate."

So the...

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Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream..

”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.”

”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.”
...

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A man walks into an ice cream shop...

... and tells the clerk "I want a gallon of Vanilla ice cream, a gallon of Strawberry ice cream, and a gallon of Chocolate ice cream." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any Chocolate." "Ok then" the man continues "I want a quart of Vanilla ice cream, a quart of Strawberry ice cream, a...

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

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A boy walks into an ice cream parlor....

The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....

"What flavor would you like?"

He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...

"Chocolate!"

With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out ...

Grandpa and Grandma are sitting on a bench in the park

they hear the jingle of the icecream salesman.

Grandma says : "I'd like some vanilla icecream."

Grandpa says: "Good idea, I'd also like some chocolate icecream".

Grandma stands up and says: "I'll go get some."

"You should write it, Grandma, you know your memory is not wha...

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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

An Elderly Couple Watching Television

Elderly couple... sitting down watching television
when the commercials come on, the husband smiles at his wife and says, I would love some ice cream right now.
His wife says, me too! What do you want, I’ll go get it.
Husband: I’d like to have 2 scoops of vanilla with chocolate and caram...

A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise....

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what's wrong. The penguin lo...

Walrus is driving down the street when suddenly.....

His car breaks down in the hot desert. He calls a towing service and takes it to the nearest shop in some small town he's never been in.

Mechanic tells him it's going to be awhile. Walrus says, no problem. I'll just go across the street and treat myself to something cold at that restuarant ...

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A man goes into an ice cream store...

The man asks for a sugar cone with a scoop of chocolate.

The counter man says "I'm sorry sir, but we are out of chocolate."

"Oh, I see" says the man. "Well, in that case, I'll just have a a cup of ice cream, no cone."

"No problem" the counter guy replies "What flavor?"

"...

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

A man and a woman are laying in bed

They are both senior citizens and have begun losing their memory.

One day they went to the doctor to ask if they can remedy their memory loss in any way and the doctor said that no medication could help so the best thing they can start doing is writing things down to help them remember.
...

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