Why was the vanilla early for work?

Because it is not choc-late.

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

Vanilla Ice should be President

If there's a problem, yo, he'll solve it.

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop...

Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”

Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gim...

I ate a piece of fresh salmon that was marinated in vanilla and now my stomach is hurting....

I think I might have salmonilla.

A Penguin is driving in his car

Suddenly, the car broke down and he needed to tow the car to the mechanic

After leaving the car to give the mechanic time to analyse it, he felt hungry and spotted an ice cream shop nearby. He ordered a big bowl of vanilla ice cream, but because the store had run out of spoons, he needed to u...

A penguin sent his car to the mechanic before going to the ice cream shop...

He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.

Mechanic: It looks like you blew a seal.

Penguin: Ah no that’s just ice cream.

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

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They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

What happens when you fart next to vanilla ice?

He farts almost exactly like you, and argues there was 1extra note.

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop.

The owner walks up and asks the man what he would like.

“I’ll take a chocolate ice cream in a cone please.”

“Sorry, we’re actually out of chocolate. We only have vanilla and strawberry available,” replies the owner.

“Hmmm, well in that case I’ll take a scoop of chocolate in a cu...

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Wow.. I don't know what this world is coming to....

Today I was offered sex with a very attractive 21yr old girl...in exchange I was supposed to advertise some sort of bathroom cleaning product to my reddit friends. I couldn't do it tho because of my high morals and strong will power. Just as strong as AJOX the super strong bathroom cleaner, now avai...

What’s the difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream?

Cowardice

An old couple talks to their doctor about their memory loss. The doctor suggests that they write things down so they don't forget.

One day, both of them are sitting on the couch when Grandma asks for a bowl of ice cream.

"Coming right up," Gramps says, slowly getting onto his feet and heading towards the kitchen.

"Aren't you going to write that down?"

"Write that down? Of course not. I can remember a bowl o...

A new study found

that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

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Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now NSFW

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now and the vanilla sex stuff really got us bored. So we decided to finally step up the game. We tried blindfolds, wax, tying each other up but it was just not working for us. I brought up the topic of anal but she was really scared of it because i...

It was reported vanilla ice was last off the quarantined plane.

Officials remarked it was necessary as he was the illest.

Dirty Penguin

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides t...

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

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A blonde goes to an ice cream parlor

A blonde goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate."

"Oh," says the blonde. "In that case I'll have some chocolate."

So the...

An elderly couple is arguing about which one of them has the worst memory.

An elderly couple is arguing about which one of them has the worst memory.

\- You have the worst memory - says the wife.

\- No, you forget everything all the time! - says the husband.

\- Well, test me, and I'll show you my memory is as good a new - challenges the wife.

\...

If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood...

she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

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Two men with Alzheimer's at the beach



They're peckish and want some food.

The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”

Carl: Sure what do you want?

Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.

Carl walks off...
...

A penguin was driving down the street eating a vanilla ice cream cone.

He started having car trouble, so he pulled to the side of the road.

A little while later some cops pull up to help.

After they check his car, they tell him, "It looks like you blew a seal" and he goes, "Oh, no, I was just eating an ice cream cone"

I told my sister that if you rearrange the letters in 'vanilla' you get 'pirate'

Her: no you don't

Me: yes, 'a villain' with a missing i.



Note: true story

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i'm working on a porn filtering app that would show only vanilla porn...

but I can't work out the kinks

Today is the Dali Lamas 82nd birthday but he couldn't decide if he wanted a vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry birthday cake...

...so he decided to be made one with everything.

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I'm so pissed off with the new candle store in town. The times I've gone in they haven't even had vanilla or apple candles in stock.

They lack common scents.

Grandpa and Grandma are sitting on a bench in the park

they hear the jingle of the icecream salesman.

Grandma says : "I'd like some vanilla icecream."

Grandpa says: "Good idea, I'd also like some chocolate icecream".

Grandma stands up and says: "I'll go get some."

"You should write it, Grandma, you know your memory is not wha...

NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert...

...when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.

The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what's wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating do...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge...

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The wife asked, "why do you smell like vanilla?"

I don't know, the stripper smelled like orange.

What do you call a terrorist with a scoop of vanilla ice cream?

Allah mode.

A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise....

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what's wrong. The penguin lo...

What's your favorite type of shake?

Chocolate, vanilla, or Parkinson's?

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Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream..

”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.”

”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.”
...

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A man walks into an ice cream shop...

... and tells the clerk "I want a gallon of Vanilla ice cream, a gallon of Strawberry ice cream, and a gallon of Chocolate ice cream." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any Chocolate." "Ok then" the man continues "I want a quart of Vanilla ice cream, a quart of Strawberry ice cream, a...

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop..

He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'

The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'

The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'

The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are complet...

Did you know that Vanilla Ice is now working as a computer literacy instructor?

He's at the community college teaching word to your mother.

An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory

An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor. The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, "Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physi...

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

In our fridge there is condensed milk, evaporated milk, vanilla and eggs.

So I put a sticker on it saying, "Warning: Highly Flannable."

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You know how they say blondes are dumb?

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop

She's greeted by the cashier who says welcome to my ice cream shop we have almost every flavor you can think of but unfortunately we are out of all chocolate items including ice cream and toppings so what are you having today miss?

She replies can ...

A penguin is driving down a desert road...

...when he hears a strange sound coming from his engine.

At the next town he pulls into the service shop and asks for help.

The mechanic says, “It’s gonna take about 20 minuets to check this out. You look pretty hot, you should go get an Ice Cream at the shop across the street to coo...

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One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

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Kenny Rodgers has a problem. [OC]

Kenny Rodgers is convinced his wife is having an affair with their GP.
Every time she comes back home, she's much more sprightly, excitable and quivers to the touch.
Being a man that's fairly vanilla in the bedroom, seldom trying to spice things up and the missionary position's best friend, he...

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One day a Redditor decided to turn his life around...

The Redditor decided to buy a cookbook that came with the ingredients for a cake. He preheated the oven. He added in the butter and sugar; things were going well. The Redditor read out the instructions: ‘Add vanilla and eggs’. He added in the vanilla and cracked open an egg... nothing came out. He g...

A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas st...

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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

A penguin driving through the desert

started to have car trouble, so he decided to drive to the nearest mechanic to get his car checked out. After he dropped his car off, he decided to walk down the block to get some ice cream, since it was a particularly hot day. Unfortunately, he was only able to devour about half of his vanilla cone...

A mommy mole, daddy mole, and baby mole are together in their burrow

Mommy mole sticks her head out and sniffs the air. She asks, "What's that smell? Is it brown sugar?"

Daddy mole sticks his head out to sniff around, "No I don't think so. Smells like vanilla to me."

The baby mole still in the burrow says "I don't know what you guys are talking about. ...

A penguin goes on vacation.

A penguin has decided that he has had enough of the cold and wants to go on vacation.

He books his flight to a big city and rents out a car to go sight seeing.

After a while of him driving around his car starts making a weird noise.

He grows a bit concerned and takes it into the...

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I'd like to buy some ice cream please...

Ice Cream Man: Sure, what kind would you like?



Kid: Um...chocolate



Ice Cream Man: Oh, sorry kid. We're out of chocolate. I still have plenty of strawberry and vanilla though.



Kid: Um...okay...I'll have...chocolate please



Ice Cream Man: Uh, ...

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While waiting in line at an ice cream shop an elderly woman orders a plain chocolate cone.

The man behind the counter said “we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what would you like?”

She again attempts to order plain chocolate. The man repeats “Ma’am we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what wou...

A penguin is driving down the road

A penguin is driving through the desert and his car starts to sputter and loose power. He just barely makes it to a mechanic, the car stalling out as he coasted into the parking lot.

He walking in and asks if there is anything that can be done. The mechanic tells him that he’ll give it a look...

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A girl asked me to have sex with her

I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this 21-year-old girl who was a laundry detergent promoter. She told me she would have sex with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.
I was sadly amazed and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her an...

A penguin was driving his car through town...

A penguin is driving through town when his car breaks down.

He pushes it into the nearest mechanic shop, drops it off and the mechanic says he’ll have a look and to give him an hour.

So the penguin goes for a walk around town, down to the beach, has a bit of a wander around and then de...

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A whisky distillery is looking for a new taster.

They put out an ad for the tasting job in the newspaper. The next day, a shabby homeless man comes forward to apply and be interviewed. No one on the team is willing to hire him, but the distillery manager lets him sit for the interview for amusement's sake.

He asks his assistant to bring a g...

An Elderly Couple Watching Television

Elderly couple... sitting down watching television
when the commercials come on, the husband smiles at his wife and says, I would love some ice cream right now.
His wife says, me too! What do you want, I’ll go get it.
Husband: I’d like to have 2 scoops of vanilla with chocolate and caram...

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food s...

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic because it has been running rough.

The mechanic tells the penguin that he can check it out to see what the problem is but it will take sometime.

The penguin says "okay," and he heads to the soda shop across the street and gets a soft serve.

After about an hour the penguin goes back to the auto shop. He ask the mechani...

A penguin is driving through the desert

When his car starts to give him trouble. The lights start flashing and the dials go out of control, so he puts the car in neutral and rides it out to the nearest gas station.

He asks the gas station attendant "Can you fix my car? It's really no place for a penguin to be stuck in the deser...

A man and a woman are laying in bed

They are both senior citizens and have begun losing their memory.

One day they went to the doctor to ask if they can remedy their memory loss in any way and the doctor said that no medication could help so the best thing they can start doing is writing things down to help them remember.
...

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Chocolate

Yesterday, right before closing my ice cream shop for the night after a very busy day, a lady came in and ordered some chocolate ice cream.

So I looked grabbed a cone and looked down to scoop out some chocolate ice cream to see that I had none.

"Sorry ma'm, we are currently out of ...

Walrus is driving down the street when suddenly.....

His car breaks down in the hot desert. He calls a towing service and takes it to the nearest shop in some small town he's never been in.

Mechanic tells him it's going to be awhile. Walrus says, no problem. I'll just go across the street and treat myself to something cold at that restuarant ...

A penguin is driving around in his car in antarctica

Suddenly, his car makes a big cloud of smoke, he has to push it to the nearest mechanic.

He explains his problem, the mechanic tells him :
"Hmm ... I can't really tell the issue right now, come back in a couple of hours and I'll tell you what's wrong with your car"

The penguin start...

A penguin is driving and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the nearest gas station and speaks to the mechanic. “About how long to get this repaired?” says the penguin. “Should only be about 30 mins” he replies.

It is pretty hot outside, so the penguin decides to walk and get some ice cream. Thirty or so minutes later, the penguin is...

An Eskimo drops his truck off at the shop

“I’ll be back in an hour” says the Eskimo
The Eskimo stops at an ice cream shop on the way back. Upon returning, the Eskimo asks the mechanic
“What’s wrong with my truck?”
To which the mechanical responds
“It looks like you blew a seal.”
The Eskimo frantically replies
“It’s vanilla...

A penguin on a road trip through...

...the desert noticed steam coming out from under the hood of his car pulled over in a small town. He found a walrus working in a service station who said he could fix it straight away. Penguin was understandably hot and asked where he could find a cool treat. Walrus mechanic told him about an ice ...

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A boy walks into an ice cream parlor....

The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....

"What flavor would you like?"

He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...

"Chocolate!"

With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out ...

A penguin pulls up to a dealership

He barely made it there before his car gave out. The technician tells him that it's going to be a few hours before the repairs are finished.
The penguin sees an icecream shop across the street and goes inside. He asks the manager if it would be okay to hang out in the freezer because it's just t...

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

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A boy walks into an ice-cream parlour.

The cashier says "Hello! What can I get you?"

The boy replies "Ummm...may I please have some Jelly Tip?"

"I'm sorry, but we ran out of Jelly Tip. Is there something else you would like? Maybe chocolate?" responds the cashier.

"No thanks. Could I have some Jelly Tip?" replies the...

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Chocolate ice cream

A lady walks into an ice cream shop and looks around. Walks up to the counter and asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I just ran out of chocolate but I have vanilla and strawberry."

"Oh, ok. let's see.... let me get a half gallon of chocolate."

"Lady,...

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A man goes into an ice cream store...

The man asks for a sugar cone with a scoop of chocolate.

The counter man says "I'm sorry sir, but we are out of chocolate."

"Oh, I see" says the man. "Well, in that case, I'll just have a a cup of ice cream, no cone."

"No problem" the counter guy replies "What flavor?"

"...

Seals

A penguin is driving along in his car when it breaks down. Fortunately, there's a mechanic nearby and the car can be repaired.

While the car is in the garage, the penguin decides to waddle to the town to get a vanilla ice-cream. He eats it but forgets to wipe his mouth.

When he returns...

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A politician walks into an ice cream shop

He orders 1 scoop of plain vanilla ice cream.
The employee asked him if he'd like some sprinkles.


Long story short, it took him 30 fucking minutes to answer yes.

A penguin is driving through the desert one day

And suddenly smoke starts pouring from his engine, he manages to get the car to the nearest town, and gets it to a garage - the mechanic tells him he'll take a look, but it might be a while.

He decides, because he's a penguin, and he's in the desert, there's nothing he'd like more than a love...

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Well, turn it around

A young man walking down the street sees a street vendor selling apples 1 for $5. Appalled at the price he stops and inquires about the over priced fruit.

“What’s so special about these apples?” Asked the young man.

“Well they’re 2 flavored apples.” Replied the vendor. “One side tast...

It's only Ice cream!

A penguin decides he was sick of living in the antarctic and wants to go see the world.

So he decides he's going to drive through the Americas. Anyways he's been driving up from South America and he makes it to Arizona when he gets a flat tire.

He finds a garage to take his car to an...

So a penguin is driving down the road when his car starts making a weird noise.

The penguin sees a mechanic shop up the road and decides that he’ll stop there. He says to the mechanic, “Listen my car is making this weird noise, could ya take a look at it?” The mechanic says, “Sure! Doesn’t look too bad. Should only take 20 minutes.”

Feeling relieved, the penguin walks ou...

Someone gave me a white noise machine to help me sleep. It didn't work.

Then again, its hard to sleep with Vanilla Ice playing in the background

A penguin is driving through the Arizona desert when his car breaks down

He pulls into a nearby mechanic station in search of assistance.

The mechanic catches a quick glimpse of the car and tells the penguin, "I'll go ahead and check it out. Come back in about 30 minutes and I'll have a diagnosis for you."

"Alright then," replies the penguin as he waddles o...

A penguin is driving his car

When suddenly the car starts making rattling noises, smoke starts pouring from under the hood, and it continues to move forward by jumps and lurches. The Penguin sees an auto-shop up ahead and slowly pulls his car into the lot. The mechanic comes out and informs the penguin that's going to take ab...

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A Guy walks into an ice cream shop

he goes up to the counter and asks for two scoops of chocolate.

The clerk: oh well this is sort of embarrassing.... I'm afraid we are all out of chocolate.. all I have left is vanilla and strawberry. I can get you one of those if you like.

The guy: what? how could you be out of chocola...

[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic...

...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait.

"Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to...

Irish bank robbery

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers c...

There's a penguin riding his snow mobile through the Antarctic. I

It starts to sputter and he decides to pull into a mechanic to get the snow mobile looked at. The mechanic comes out and after having a quick look over says he will need an hour to fix it. The penguin asks where he can wait nearby and the mechanic tells him that there is an ice cream parlor next doo...

A penguin's car breaks down...

...and he has it towed to a repair shop. The mechanic tells him that he should have some information in about an hour. The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street so he wanders over while the mechanic works. He finds the vanilla is the best ice cream he's ever eaten and he eats it with mess...

How do you make a dead baby float?

-2 scoops vanilla icecream

-2 scoops baby

-Add rootbeer and serve

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