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Ph Jokes

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr. Awkward.

but I have a PhD...

"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."


"But I have a PhD..."


"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

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Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
t...

I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D

He was a smart feller.

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Why are black people unable to get a PhD

Because they can't get past their masters.

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My gynecologist told me my ph-level is too high

Would that make me a basic bitch?

What is the most common question that a person holding a PhD in Philosophy asks other people?

"Do you want fries with that?"

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD…

or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

Why orphan uses "ph" instead of "f"

Because F is for family

What does PhD stand for?

Fancy Degree.

It's so fancy it's spelled with a Ph.

My socially anxious friend got a PhD in palindromes.

He now goes by the title 'Dr Awkward'.

A dishonest college graduate wrote “PhD” on his transcript

I guess you could say he doctored it

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My piss just registered 14 on the pH scale

No wonder I'm so based.

How to get a PhD in Music

In some colleges of music, part of the doctoral requirement is to compose an original full length symphony. Because modern music sounds so weird, a good ploy is to take a well-known classical symphony, write it backwards and submit it as an original work. One student took the daring step of taking h...

pH number.

So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)"

To which I reply, "7."

I have a PhD

Public Highschool Diploma

What do you call music that has a pH greater than 7?

Base-boosted.

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

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Hey girl, is your PH 14?

Because you're really fucking basic.

I told my friend his pH was over 7 and he didn't get it.

That's when I knew he lacked even a basic understanding of chemistry.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Where did the microbiologist go after receiving his PhD?

...to a cell-laboratory gathering

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

What do you call an owl with a PhD?

Doctor who

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

Ordering at Starbucks. Employee: Your name please. Man: Stephen with a ph

Pheteven it is.

An illiterate dad and his son who has a PhD in astrology went camping.

They unpacked and set up their tent. After dinner they went to sleep. A few hours later dad woke and was looking at the stars.

He woke his son up and asked him, "what do you see?"

He son said, "astronomically, it tells you that there are a lot of galaxies out there,"

His father...

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.

You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Roc...

I have finally completed my PhD in Literary Criticism...

And I beg you not to speak of the irony.

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I tell my dates I have a PhD in sex talk.

They are not as impressed when learning my dissertation was on the "effects of female ultrasonic vocalization on male impotence in rats"

even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14

Extremely basic

Why is the pH of youtube so stable?

It constantly buffers.

NFSW subs are like Ph.D dissertations

People with similar interest constantly asking for the source.

My rabbi has a pH of 1

He’s an acidic Jew

My sister is a 13 on the pH scale.

She's basic but can't even.

at the pharmacy

Cs: hi
Ph: hello
Cs: have you got any acetylsalicylic acid?
Ph: you mean aspirin?
Cs: that's the one. Can never for the life o' me remember that name

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What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

What does Dr. Pepper have his PhD in?

Theoretical fizz-ics.

Why do most of the people find it difficult to complete PhD?

Because they get a third degree treatment.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

A student asked a teacher, "What does a pH greater than 7 mean?"

The teacher replied, "It's basic chemistry "

What's the difference between a PhD in mathematics and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

He's really good, knows his stuff forwards and backwards.

When you have a PhD, every meeting you go to is...

A Doctor's appointment.

Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale?

It's the most basic drink there is.

I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

A PhD student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park.

They find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the PhD student.

“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a go...

Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means...

Y'all basic!

For my PhD thesis, I wanted to write the best researched paper about General Relativity

But I ran out of time so I failed.

An awkward friend of mine just finished his PhD in palindrome theory..

Now he's Dr. Awkward.

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Are you a solution of bismuth technetium hydride with a pH of 14?

Because you're one basic BiTcH

After working long and hard for my PhD people finally recognize me..

As the neighborhood pizza Hut delivery guy now.

A group of crows were receiving their PhDs at their college's commencement ceremony when the police showed up.

They all were arrested for third-degree murder.

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What do you call a female dog with a PH level above 7?

A basic bitch

Why is the pH of a white girl either 9, 11 or 13?

1. She's basic.
2. She literally can't even.

I aced my chemistry test on the pH scale...

It was really basic.

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What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7?

....hasidic

I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good...

Is it a good idea to have multiple PhDs?

To a certain degree.

A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.

"All your base are belong to us"

I went to a Vietnamese restaurant...

Went to a Vietnamese restaurant tonight and there was dogs foot in my soup. The waiter said it was a pho paw.

Right after I got my PhD in theoretical physics, I was able to land a job at Stanford!

My first shift starts tomorrow, after the senior janitor gives me a quick rundown.

My PhD student claims to have made a breakthrough in hyperbolic mathematics

Turns out he was just exaggerating

Breaking News: All liquids in Switzerland are being converted to a pH of 7

The government were asked if they thought this was good idea. They claimed to be neutral

I've decided to get a PhD in how much soda you should have for the end of the world.

Dr. Prepper, at your service.

So, today I found out that Starbucks coffee is an 8 on the ph scale

I guess that you could say all of those white girls are basic.

A Harvard grad with a PhD and a redneck with a 5th grade education are in a contest

This was one of my dad's favorites, and I've never seen it here. This is basically how he told it:

A Harvard grad with a PhD (we'll call him John) and a redneck with a 5th grade education (we'll call him Bubba) are in a contest, and at the end of this contest (the type doesn't matter), their ...

I'm starting a charity for PhD students so they can finally afford to live on their own without the need for roommates...

It's called "Doctors without Boarders."

A New Pho Restaurant Opened up its second location

The proprietor, Mr. Ngo, was very excited for the opening of his new restaurant. It had been a dream of his for many years to expand his business. He wasn't very original and named his original restaurant "Ngo Pho."

However, business was great and he was soon able to open a second location o...

The 3 F's

Ralph was nervous, so he asked his best friend for advice before his first date, "what should I talk about when the conversation dies?"
"Go to the 3 F's - family, food and f(ph)ilosophy."
When the awkward silence fell, Ralph thought "family" and asked her, "Do you have a brother?"
"No", she...

I just found out it’s considered rude in Vietnam to eat noodles with a fork, since it’s how American GIs ate their food.

It’s a pho pas.

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A woman comes into the ER with a blood pH of 10. How does the doctor diagnose her?

A basic bitch

An Asian kid asks his mom

“Mom, what does “an Apple a day keeps the doctors away” mean?”

Mom says, “ah, my dear son, it means that if you play games on your Apple phone everyday, you will never get your PhD”

I'm a renowned computer science professor, but that doesn't carry much weight with my mother.

After I got my PhD, she introduced me to friends by saying, *“This is my daughter. She's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”*

Hospitals are full of hypocrites

I doctor patients for weeks and no one bats an eye, but doctoring one little PhD is apparently crossing a line.

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