UPJOKE
chemistryacidityacidacidicalkalinelogarithmactivityiupacph scalemolefluorideneutralityglass electrodehydroxide ionentropy

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

What is the thing that a person with a PhD in philosophy would most likely ask you?

"Do you want fries with that?"

My friend said: “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”

It was a third degree burn.

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What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.

You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Roc...

A dishonest college graduate wrote “PhD” on his transcript

I guess you could say he doctored it

Why orphan uses "ph" instead of "f"

Because F is for family

What do you call music that has a pH greater than 7?

Base-boosted.

An Asian kid asks his mom

“Mom, what does “an Apple a day keeps the doctors away” mean?”

Mom says, “ah, my dear son, it means that if you play games on your Apple phone everyday, you will never get your PhD”

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My piss just registered 14 on the pH scale

No wonder I'm so based.

I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

Hospitals are full of hypocrites

I doctor patients for weeks and no one bats an eye, but doctoring one little PhD is apparently crossing a line.

even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14

Extremely basic

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D

He was a smart feller.

I told my friend his pH was over 7 and he didn't get it.

That's when I knew he lacked even a basic understanding of chemistry.

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My wife won’t let me cum in her because it messes up her pH levels.

I’m starting to think it’s actually because I’m too basic for her…

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I was driving down a country road when I saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."

I drove another mile before I turned around. A talking dog? Really?

I pulled up a gravel laneway and parked next to the barn. An old farmer was working on his tractor.

"Excuse me," I said, "but I couldn't help but notice your sign. Is it true you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Y...

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What do you call a girl dog with a pH greater then 7.0?

A basic bitch

Where did the microbiologist go after receiving his PhD?

...to a cell-laboratory gathering

I'm a renowned computer science professor, but that doesn't carry much weight with my mother.

After I got my PhD, she introduced me to friends by saying, *“This is my daughter. She's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”*

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A man goes to see a doctor about his stuttering problem.

The doctor enters the exam room and says "Good afternoon! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ww... wwh... well," says the man, "I ha... have have thissss... t.. t... terrible stutter alm...most mh... mh... mh... my wh... who.... whole l.. life. P..P..People make... fu...fu..fun of me. I ca.. ca....

What does PhD stand for?

Fancy Degree.

It's so fancy it's spelled with a Ph.

My socially anxious friend got a PhD in palindromes.

He now goes by the title 'Dr Awkward'.

Ordering at Starbucks. Employee: Your name please. Man: Stephen with a ph

Pheteven it is.

Did you know that the Jetsons dog had scientific PhD?

He was an Astro physicist.

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

Why was their gastric acids' pH balance 7?

Because they was so basic

*Crickets chirping*

Well that joke went over like a lead balloon

An illiterate dad and his son who has a PhD in astrology went camping.

They unpacked and set up their tent. After dinner they went to sleep. A few hours later dad woke and was looking at the stars.

He woke his son up and asked him, "what do you see?"

He son said, "astronomically, it tells you that there are a lot of galaxies out there,"

His father...

Steve treats John as a Rival

Steve always fall second next to John in everything in High School, when they graduated high school John graduates as the Top of the class and Steve is second.

On then Steve vowed to study hard in college and comeback to humiliate John. John are not able to continue his studies because their ...

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I tell my dates I have a PhD in sex talk.

They are not as impressed when learning my dissertation was on the "effects of female ultrasonic vocalization on male impotence in rats"

A student asked a teacher, "What does a pH greater than 7 mean?"

The teacher replied, "It's basic chemistry "

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Why are black people unable to get a PhD

Because they can't get past their masters.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

What do you call an owl with a PhD?

Doctor who

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD…

or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

I have a PhD

Public Highschool Diploma

I have finally completed my PhD in Literary Criticism...

And I beg you not to speak of the irony.

On a pH scale, I give this joke a 10

Because it’s pretty basic

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second...

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

He's really good, knows his stuff forwards and backwards.

but I have a PhD...

"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."


"But I have a PhD..."


"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."

Why do most of the people find it difficult to complete PhD?

Because they get a third degree treatment.

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

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Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
t...

A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.

"All your base are belong to us"

Why is the pH of youtube so stable?

It constantly buffers.

What's the difference between a PhD in mathematics and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

How to get a PhD in Music

In some colleges of music, part of the doctoral requirement is to compose an original full length symphony. Because modern music sounds so weird, a good ploy is to take a well-known classical symphony, write it backwards and submit it as an original work. One student took the daring step of taking h...

For my PhD thesis, I wanted to write the best researched paper about General Relativity

But I ran out of time so I failed.

A group of crows were receiving their PhDs at their college's commencement ceremony when the police showed up.

They all were arrested for third-degree murder.

Right after I got my PhD in theoretical physics, I was able to land a job at Stanford!

My first shift starts tomorrow, after the senior janitor gives me a quick rundown.

A PhD student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park.

They find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the PhD student.

“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a go...

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Hey girl, is your PH 14?

Because you're really fucking basic.

Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means...

Y'all basic!

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

My rabbi has a pH of 1

He’s an acidic Jew

NFSW subs are like Ph.D dissertations

People with similar interest constantly asking for the source.

When you have a PhD, every meeting you go to is...

A Doctor's appointment.

I've decided to get a PhD in how much soda you should have for the end of the world.

Dr. Prepper, at your service.

pH number.

So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)"

To which I reply, "7."

What does Dr. Pepper have his PhD in?

Theoretical fizz-ics.

Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale?

It's the most basic drink there is.

Breaking News: All liquids in Switzerland are being converted to a pH of 7

The government were asked if they thought this was good idea. They claimed to be neutral

My sister is a 13 on the pH scale.

She's basic but can't even.

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A woman comes into the ER with a blood pH of 10. How does the doctor diagnose her?

A basic bitch

I'm starting a charity for PhD students so they can finally afford to live on their own without the need for roommates...

It's called "Doctors without Boarders."

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Are you a solution of bismuth technetium hydride with a pH of 14?

Because you're one basic BiTcH

What is Doctor Pepper’s PhD in?

Particle Fizzics.

A Harvard grad with a PhD and a redneck with a 5th grade education are in a contest

This was one of my dad's favorites, and I've never seen it here. This is basically how he told it:

A Harvard grad with a PhD (we'll call him John) and a redneck with a 5th grade education (we'll call him Bubba) are in a contest, and at the end of this contest (the type doesn't matter), their ...

After working long and hard for my PhD people finally recognize me..

As the neighborhood pizza Hut delivery guy now.

An awkward friend of mine just finished his PhD in palindrome theory..

Now he's Dr. Awkward.

My PhD student claims to have made a breakthrough in hyperbolic mathematics

Turns out he was just exaggerating

Why is the pH of a white girl either 9, 11 or 13?

1. She's basic.
2. She literally can't even.

Girl you are the one...

on the pH scale cuz you are toxic af.

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...

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What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7?

....hasidic

I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good...

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How do you tell the difference between a Hasidic Jew and a Basic Jew?

Measure their Ph

Bumpy Night

An unruly drunk was being escorted out of the bar by a hulking bouncer.

'You should find another job,' the drunk says sarcastically.

"I have a Ph.D in phrenology,' the bouncer says.

"What field is that?'

'I can read the bumps on your head, after i put them there.'

So, today I found out that Starbucks coffee is an 8 on the ph scale

I guess that you could say all of those white girls are basic.

Is it a good idea to have multiple PhDs?

To a certain degree.

By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar, and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes off this lady, and eventually, he gathered up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

“Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice...

My career’s in ruins!

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.

He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”

“My career’s in ruins!” the lad cackles.

The man, shocked, replies...

I aced my chemistry test on the pH scale...

It was really basic.

A scientists asks people on the street whats the most acidic thing they own. One man answers its his phone. The scientist replies: “No, acidic does not mean dirty”

The man replies: “I know, my phone has a ph of one”

I asked my wife “on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate yourself?” And in a sassy tone, she said “11”.

I told her “Must be a pH scale cause you’re basic as hell.”

Alex was being interviewed for a job at the US Mint

Alex was being interviewed for a job at the US mint. The interviewer looks over his resume, and notices something strange. “Alex, you have 3 PhDs and you had an internship at the White House. Why do you want to work at the US mint?”

“Well sir, i would make a lot of money here”

So, I have this friend who studied to become an egyptologist

The only way he can make a living is by becoming a PhD and teach others to become egyptologists.

As far as I'm concerned, it is a pyramid scheme.

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