I told my friend his pH was over 7 and he didn't get it.

That's when I knew he lacked even a basic understanding of chemistry.

What happens if your blood goes up 0.2 pH?

You are BASICally dead

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.

He’s now Dr.Awkward.

My friend told me, “You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14

Extremely basic

Ordering at Starbucks. Employee: Your name please. Man: Stephen with a ph

Pheteven it is.

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...

I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D

He was a smart feller.

Oh, so you’re a 10?

On the pH scale maybe, because you’re basic.

By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar, and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes off this lady, and eventually, he gathered up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

“Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice...

"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."

"But I have a PhD..."

"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."

A student asked a teacher, "What does a pH greater than 7 mean?"

The teacher replied, "It's basic chemistry "

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.

"All your base are belong to us"

Alex was being interviewed for a job at the US Mint

Alex was being interviewed for a job at the US mint. The interviewer looks over his resume, and notices something strange. “Alex, you have 3 PhDs and you had an internship at the White House. Why do you want to work at the US mint?”

“Well sir, i would make a lot of money here”

A scientists asks people on the street whats the most acidic thing they own. One man answers its his phone. The scientist replies: “No, acidic does not mean dirty”

The man replies: “I know, my phone has a ph of one”

Why is the pH of youtube so stable?

It constantly buffers.

Five academics are locked in a room.

A chemist, biologist, engineer, pure mathematician, and business PhD are locked in a room, and each given a locked box with a key to the outside world in it, and told to figure out how to open it.

The chemist pours a powerful acid on it, dissolving it open. The engineer calculates the exact a...

My career’s in ruins!

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.

He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”

“My career’s in ruins!” the lad cackles.

The man, shocked, replies...

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Saw this joke on YouTube and originally disliked it, but I eventually came around to it. (I'll change it up a bit, though.)

There's this single dad with three kids. One day, the circus comes to town. The guy says, "Come on, kids. Let's go to the circus."

So they get there, and they sit in the front row. The elephants come out, the jugglers come out, and the clowns come out. One clown says in a funny voice, "Uh, ca...

I asked my wife “on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate yourself?” And in a sassy tone, she said “11”.

I told her “Must be a pH scale cause you’re basic as hell.”

Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means...

Y'all basic!

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Hey girl, is your PH 14?

Because you're really fucking basic.

My rabbi has a pH of 1

He’s an acidic Jew

NFSW subs are like Ph.D dissertations

People with similar interest constantly asking for the source.

Breaking News: All liquids in Switzerland are being converted to a pH of 7

The government were asked if they thought this was good idea. They claimed to be neutral

An American working in London visits a rural pub in the west country

There are three farmers sitting at a table and he can't help but overhear their discussion.

"I reckons its like TrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUMMMP!" says the first farmer ending the sound with a triumphant squeaking crescendo

"No no, it's more like Trrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooooomp" responds the ...

Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale?

It's the most basic drink there is.

Did you know that most coffee flavorings have a low pH?

Except pumpkin spice because it's so basic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a female dog with a PH level above 7?

A basic bitch

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Why are black people unable to get a Ph.D.?

Because they can't get past their masters.

So, I have this friend who studied to become an egyptologist

The only way he can make a living is by becoming a PhD and teach others to become egyptologists.

As far as I'm concerned, it is a pyramid scheme.

My sister is a 13 on the pH scale.

She's basic but can't even.

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A woman comes into the ER with a blood pH of 10. How does the doctor diagnose her?

A basic bitch

pH number.

So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)"

To which I reply, "7."

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Are you a solution of bismuth technetium hydride with a pH of 14?

Because you're one basic BiTcH

The teacher is so salty

Teacher: What is below 7 in the pH scale?
Student: Acids.
Teacher: Good. What is above 7?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Clearly you don't know the basic!

Why is the pH of a white girl either 9, 11 or 13?

1. She's basic.
2. She literally can't even.

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What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7?

....hasidic

I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good...

What does PhD stand for?

Fancy Degree.

It's so fancy it's spelled with a Ph.

So, today I found out that Starbucks coffee is an 8 on the ph scale

I guess that you could say all of those white girls are basic.

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

I'm okay with my wife selling her body to pay for college.

But I don't know why she needs three PhDs

I've heard that an apple a day keeps the doctor away

so I bought my ex-girlfriend an iPod , she has a PhD.

I aced my chemistry test on the pH scale...

It was really basic.

What's the difference between a PhD in mathematics and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

My Starbucks barista thinks he's so smart

just because he has a PhD in humanities.

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The man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet

Despite hours of brainstorms and workshops, the man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet.

“New Terra is the sensible choice”, said the man, exasperated.

“Don’t give me that more-evolved-than-thou horse-shit”, said the horse, “why don’t you let a non-dominant life...

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi...

...for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I woul...

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

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A man goes to the circus

A young man named John was a huge fan of the circus all the way through childhood, he had a huge affection for the acrobatics, showmanship and the hilarious clowns.

Finally, one day, a circus came to his tiny village and he saved all his money to make the trip.

He had a great time, the...

The Whistler

A Professor started his class on a very serious Topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's name. No one answered.

The Professor peacefully kept the Pen in his pocket saying: "Lecture ends here. I'll...

Two school girls are arguing, one preppy the other nerdy

The preppy girl says, “you’re just jealous because I’m a 10 and you’re not!”
The nerdy girl responds, “Yeah you’re a 10! On the pH scale, because you’re so BASIC!”

Yo momma so basic...

...she got a pH of 15.

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A white girl, an Asian girl and a black girl are on a plane...

At a certain point an engine fails and the plane crashes into the ocean.
As the plane is sinking the white girl quickly grabs her bag and starts putting on makeup and says: "When the rescue gets here they will obviously look for the prettiest women first".
The Asian girl quickly grabs all he...

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.

One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the em...

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So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, ...

Condoms galore

Nike Condoms: Just do it.


Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.


Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.


Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.


Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.


Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: T...

A PhD student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park.

They find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the PhD student.

“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a go...

After many years of studying at a university,

I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

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A man walks into a brothel with $100

He comes out with $200 and shows his friends.
"How did you make money in a brothel?" his friends ask.
"It turns out if you can give one of the pros working there an orgasm they'll pay you" he brags.

Over the next few weeks his friends try their hands at it over and over again, but they ...

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...

... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind....

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Uranus ( long )

Originally from Buck Buchanan 9 i just had to share) let the Uranus jokes come forth.............anyway....

“It's my understanding that the first six probes were recklessly plunged into Uranus at such excessively high speeds these early attempts only produced massively dense clouds of methane...

A Harvard grad with a PhD and a redneck with a 5th grade education are in a contest

This was one of my dad's favorites, and I've never seen it here. This is basically how he told it:

A Harvard grad with a PhD (we'll call him John) and a redneck with a 5th grade education (we'll call him Bubba) are in a contest, and at the end of this contest (the type doesn't matter), their ...

My chemistry professor e-mailed this joke to me.

***A joke from my chemistry professor:***

There is a far-off place that consists of a triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but ...

there was a suspicion of university diploma forgery

There was a suspicion of university diploma forgery. The police went to investigate that. "There was no proof that any crime was commited," said the police officer, John Brown J.D., M.D., B.D., Ph.D.

My brother just finished his doctorals

So he went to Starbucks to celebrate.

The cashier said. "What would you like sir?"

"I would like an espresso please" my brother replied.

"Okay sir, I just need your name." The cashier said.

"It's Stephen" My brother replied.

"With a 'ph'?" The cashier asked.
...

I asked my Indian father for a PS3

He said "No beta, it's pronounced PH.D."

Educated Sons

1st son : Degree in Economics.
2nd son: MBA.
3rd son : PhD
4th son : Thief

Neighbour: Why can’t you throw the
4th son out of your house?

Father : He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed.

What does a crow with a cold sound like?

Caw-ph, Caw-ph, caw-ph.

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