My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.

He’s now Dr.Awkward.

My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D, but you still act like a moron.”

It was a third degree burn.

On a pH scale, I give this joke a 10

Because it’s pretty basic

I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D

He was a smart feller.

I told my friend his pH was over 7 and he didn't get it.

That's when I knew he lacked even a basic understanding of chemistry.

What happens if your blood goes up 0.2 pH?

You are BASICally dead

A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.

"All your base are belong to us"

The teacher is so salty

Teacher: What is below 7 in the pH scale?
Student: Acids.
Teacher: Good. What is above 7?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Clearly you don't know the basic!

Euro-English

As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conced...

What does PhD stand for?

Fancy Degree.

It's so fancy it's spelled with a Ph.

Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means...

Y'all basic!

My rabbi has a pH of 1

He’s an acidic Jew

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

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Comeback school

One day a man offers to take his son to the circus, which is coming to town in a few weeks. The boy is so excited and feels like it takes forever for the big day to arrive. Finally, it’s time to go to the circus. They arrive early and get front row seats, sodas and peanuts.

First the juggl...

Why is the pH of youtube so stable?

It constantly buffers.

NFSW subs are like Ph.D dissertations

People with similar interest constantly asking for the source.

Breaking News: All liquids in Switzerland are being converted to a pH of 7

The government were asked if they thought this was good idea. They claimed to be neutral

I've heard that an apple a day keeps the doctor away

so I bought my ex-girlfriend an iPod , she has a PhD.

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

I'm okay with my wife selling her body to pay for college.

But I don't know why she needs three PhDs

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The man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet

Despite hours of brainstorms and workshops, the man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet.

“New Terra is the sensible choice”, said the man, exasperated.

“Don’t give me that more-evolved-than-thou horse-shit”, said the horse, “why don’t you let a non-dominant life...

Did you know that most coffee flavorings have a low pH?

Except pumpkin spice because it's so basic

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Why are black people unable to get a Ph.D.?

Because they can't get past their masters.

What’s the pH of a Starbucks Frappuccino?

I’m not sure of the exact number, all I know is that it’s *very* basic.

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A woman comes into the ER with a blood pH of 10. How does the doctor diagnose her?

A basic bitch

My sister is a 13 on the pH scale.

She's basic but can't even.

Why is Starbuck's coffee so high on the pH scale?

It's the most basic drink there is.

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What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman?

Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?

pH number.

So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)"

To which I reply, "7."

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Are you a solution of bismuth technetium hydride with a pH of 14?

Because you're one basic BiTcH

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What do you call a female dog with a PH level above 7?

A basic bitch

Why is the pH of a white girl either 9, 11 or 13?

1. She's basic.
2. She literally can't even.

So, today I found out that Starbucks coffee is an 8 on the ph scale

I guess that you could say all of those white girls are basic.

Two school girls are arguing, one preppy the other nerdy

The preppy girl says, “you’re just jealous because I’m a 10 and you’re not!”
The nerdy girl responds, “Yeah you’re a 10! On the pH scale, because you’re so BASIC!”

Why is Stephen such a neutral name?

Because its pH is in the middle.

I aced my chemistry test on the pH scale...

It was really basic.

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What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7?

....hasidic

I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good...

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A white girl, an Asian girl and a black girl are on a plane...

At a certain point an engine fails and the plane crashes into the ocean.
As the plane is sinking the white girl quickly grabs her bag and starts putting on makeup and says: "When the rescue gets here they will obviously look for the prettiest women first".
The Asian girl quickly grabs all he...

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A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-m...

My Starbucks barista thinks he's so smart

just because he has a PhD in humanities.

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.

One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the em...

Condoms galore

Nike Condoms: Just do it.


Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.


Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.


Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.


Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.


Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: T...

What's the difference between a PhD in mathematics and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

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So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, ...

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A man goes to the circus

A young man named John was a huge fan of the circus all the way through childhood, he had a huge affection for the acrobatics, showmanship and the hilarious clowns.

Finally, one day, a circus came to his tiny village and he saved all his money to make the trip.

He had a great time, the...

The Whistler

A Professor started his class on a very serious Topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's name. No one answered.

The Professor peacefully kept the Pen in his pocket saying: "Lecture ends here. I'll...

Mirror Joke

A mirror was born to an extremely poor family. He went to school, worked hard, and eventually got a full scholarship to Harvard. He graduated with a PhD and started a company. The years went by and his company became hugely successful. Eventually, he decided it was time for him to retire. He had to ...

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

but I have a PhD...

"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."


"But I have a PhD..."


"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."

A PhD student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park.

They find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the PhD student.

“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a go...

Yo momma so basic...

...she got a pH of 15.

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A man walks into a brothel with $100

He comes out with $200 and shows his friends.
"How did you make money in a brothel?" his friends ask.
"It turns out if you can give one of the pros working there an orgasm they'll pay you" he brags.

Over the next few weeks his friends try their hands at it over and over again, but they ...

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Uranus ( long )

Originally from Buck Buchanan 9 i just had to share) let the Uranus jokes come forth.............anyway....

“It's my understanding that the first six probes were recklessly plunged into Uranus at such excessively high speeds these early attempts only produced massively dense clouds of methane...

After many years of studying at a university,

I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

A Harvard grad with a PhD and a redneck with a 5th grade education are in a contest

This was one of my dad's favorites, and I've never seen it here. This is basically how he told it:

A Harvard grad with a PhD (we'll call him John) and a redneck with a 5th grade education (we'll call him Bubba) are in a contest, and at the end of this contest (the type doesn't matter), their ...

there was a suspicion of university diploma forgery

There was a suspicion of university diploma forgery. The police went to investigate that. "There was no proof that any crime was commited," said the police officer, John Brown J.D., M.D., B.D., Ph.D.

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...

... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind....

My brother just finished his doctorals

So he went to Starbucks to celebrate.

The cashier said. "What would you like sir?"

"I would like an espresso please" my brother replied.

"Okay sir, I just need your name." The cashier said.

"It's Stephen" My brother replied.

"With a 'ph'?" The cashier asked.
...

My chemistry professor e-mailed this joke to me.

***A joke from my chemistry professor:***

There is a far-off place that consists of a triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but ...

Educated Sons

1st son : Degree in Economics.
2nd son: MBA.
3rd son : PhD
4th son : Thief

Neighbour: Why can’t you throw the
4th son out of your house?

Father : He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed.

I asked my Indian father for a PS3

He said "No beta, it's pronounced PH.D."

How do you make a venetian blind?

Poke his eyes out

Credits go to my 90 year old grandfather, currently completing his PhD

What does a crow with a cold sound like?

Caw-ph, Caw-ph, caw-ph.

Why there are led lights now!

Two physics PhD guys and mathematician PhD after a conference sit in a hotel lobby and having drinks. Suddenly the light bulb burns out over their head and maintenance guy comes and changes the light bulb. While changing it, he hands the burnt out light bulb over to the mathematician who puts it car...

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The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog)

Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, w...

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Jeffrey vs. Clown (long)

Jeffrey is a young man growing up in a small, mid-century town. He's a sensitive, bookish type, but overall Jeffrey is a nice guy with a good heart. One day, the circus comes to town. Having nothing else to do (as there was no internet or video games in that time), Jeffrey decides to buy a ticket....

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