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Baked Jokes

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...
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Mary comes home after tending to the garden….

Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”

Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”

“Baked it?” Says Mary.

“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph....
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What did the twice-baked potato say before it was put in the oven?

Damn, foiled again!
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When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."


...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.
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My wife baked me a cake and I told her I was sending it to Budapest.

She asked why Budapest.

I said I'd renamed my stomach Budapest

She asked why again

Because Budapest is the capital of Hungry.

She is divorcing me.
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Give a man an edible, he'll be baked for a day...

Put a man in an oven, and he'll be baked for the rest of his life.
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How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?

It uses Heinz sight.
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A Baked Potato

I told my wife I wanted a baked potato, so she gave our autistic son some weed.
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I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.
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What do you call a half baked joke?

A pun in the oven.
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Two muffins were getting baked

One muffin turns to the other and says "Is it, like, really hot in here, or is it just me...?"

The other looks over and shouts "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cake baked by a prostitute?

Hoe Made

Joke: Ever wonder if you’re actually baked or just paranoid?

You’re not alone ...
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My sister told me she just baked some synonym buns...

I replied “you mean, just like the ones grammar used to make?”
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To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies".

They were a little on the Chewy side.
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Why do women hate my baked goods?

I keep offering them cream pies, but they always respond with slapping me in the face!

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...
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Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)
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Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"
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What do you get if you cross the king of Wakanda with a traditional Jewish baked good?

T’challah bread
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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

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You know what a baby is?

It is just a fully baked cream pie

Did you hear about the French guy that got baked into a huge baguette?

He was in a lot of pain
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My girlfriend baked me a cake for cake day with a cute note on it...

...

It was the icing on the cake
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I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies

They smell just like burned toast
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Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion
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looking back, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online...

Heinz site's a wonderful thing
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What do you call a dish when you baked more than one octopus?

An Octopi.
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My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

A husband and wife are having breakfast

The wife asks him: ‘Honey could you take a look at the bathroom door, it seems a little stuck’

‘Do I look like a carpenter?’

‘And the toilet is also clogged.. i’d take a look at that as well’

‘Do I look like a plumber?’

‘Oh and theres a tile loose on our kitchen floor’...
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A doctor and his wife were playing golf at the local country club.

While on the 1st tee, his wife drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor was amazed and exclaimed, "Wow! I've never seen you hit the ball this well before!" His wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."

A couple of days later, the doctor and his wife were on the tennis cour...

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What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass

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Wandering through the jungle, a lizard comes across a monkey getting baked

**Lizard** \- Hey Monkey, what's all that smoke up there ? You alright ?

**Monkey** \- Maaaan come up there and taste this shit with me. You gonna have the best time of your life !

*The lizard seems hesitant but climbs up anyway and joins the monkey on the tree and in his smoking sessi...

A teacher calls her first grade class

from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy...
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It irks me when people say I have "half baked ideas"

all my ideas happen when I'm fully baked.
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I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle

I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.
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What did they call Muhammad Ali after he had baked beans?

Gaseous Clay
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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

I seek to promote the welfare of a certain baked dish.

I'm a flanthropist.
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How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.
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What's the secret ingredient in Bush's Baked Beams?

Jetfuel.
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I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice....

but he's having Nunavut.
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Most people like their eggs fried or scrambled, I like mine baked...

in cookies, brownies and cake.
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