Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

What do you get if you cross the king of Wakanda with a traditional Jewish baked good?

T’challah bread

How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?

It uses Heinz sight.

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

My girlfriend baked me a cake for cake day with a cute note on it...

...

It was the icing on the cake

Joke: Ever wonder if you’re actually baked or just paranoid?

You’re not alone ...

How does a criminal prosecutor fix a half-baked closing statement?

She puts it into a conviction oven.

My wife baked me a cake and I told her I was sending it to Budapest.

She asked why Budapest.

I said I'd renamed my stomach Budapest

She asked why again

Because Budapest is the capital of Hungry.

She is divorcing me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what a baby is?

It is just a fully baked cream pie

What do you call mr bean if he was high

A baked bean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fruit Stand

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!" The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble ...

You heard about the bread that smoked weed?

It was so baked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cannibal attends a restaurant ran by another cannibal

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and browsed the menu:

\*Grilled Tourist $5.00

\*Broiled Missionary $10.00

\*Fried Explorer $15.00

\*Diced Marine $20.00

\*Baked Politician $1000.00

The cannibal called a waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandpa gets served.

Little Tommy sat on the porch with his grandpa while visiting last Summer. Grandpa tells Tommy to fetch him another beer from the ice chest Tommy was sitting on. Tommy hands over the beer and asks "May I have a beer too grandpa?" Grandpa looks Tommy up and down and replies " IDK son, can you dick re...

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy and his grandpa go out fishing

A boy goes out fishing with his grandpa who is an old retired sailor, real rough around the edges kind of guy

While fishing grandpa pulls out a cigarette and lights it. The boy asks "can I have one?" And grandpa asks back "can you touch your pecker to your asshole?" The boy says "no" and gra...

What do you call a half baked joke?

A pun in the oven.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cake baked by a prostitute?

Hoe Made

Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread.

Call that a hot take.

Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

Me, to my neighbour: Sorry I ran over your cat when I was trying to back out. Here, I baked a cake for you.

My neighbour: You did WHAT?

Me: Baked a cake.

What do you call a dish when you baked more than one octopus?

An Octopi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Who do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new batt...

What do you call a Irish coffee with cbd in it

A baked potato

Why did the man with poor vision pour baked beans into his eyes?

Heinz-sight is 20/20.

Did you hear about the French guy that got baked into a huge baguette?

He was in a lot of pain

My sister told me she just baked some synonym buns...

I replied “you mean, just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Maybe we could cut down a bit on the terrible conditions at slaughterhouses by getting the cows really baked.

It might make their short lives a little happier, and maybe even make more people aware and willing to change, once they realize the steaks are high.

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 mothers are talking: a hen, a cow, and a bitch

They’re bragging about how important they are to humanity.

The hen says “I give people eggs, the most popular breakfast ever, and when I die I can feed a family for a night.”

The cow says “that’s nothing, my milk gets drank at any meal, humans make it into yogurt and all sorts of bak...

A couple cannibals meet one day

A couple cannibals meet one day and the first cannibal says, "You known, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, roasted them, stewed them and barbecued them. I've tried every sort of marinade and I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibals asks, "What...

I just found out that the mascot for a famous brand of baked goods overdosed on opiates.

Pills bury doughboy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass

I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.

Honestly, it's a piece of cake.

Putin and Medvedev go to a high class restaurant.

Putin says to the waiter "For the meat I want a rib-eye steak, medium rare. The potatos are to be baked with sour cream".

The waiter asks "what about the vegetable?"

Putin looks at Medvedev and back to the waiter and says, "He'll have the same"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two muffins were getting baked

One muffin turns to the other and says "Is it, like, really hot in here, or is it just me...?"

The other looks over and shouts "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies

They smell just like burned toast

A French internet cafe had to cancel a CS:GO tournament it was supposed to host, after someone stole all the baked goods.

The gamers said the baguette loss was intolerable.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.

As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.

On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the gu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women hate my baked goods?

I keep offering them cream pies, but they always respond with slapping me in the face!

A Baked Potato

I told my wife I wanted a baked potato, so she gave our autistic son some weed.

My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska.

Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies".

They were a little on the Chewy side.

Did you know the reason that you can eat the body of Christ is because he's a baked good?

Specifically, he's a crossed saint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wandering through the jungle, a lizard comes across a monkey getting baked

**Lizard** \- Hey Monkey, what's all that smoke up there ? You alright ?

**Monkey** \- Maaaan come up there and taste this shit with me. You gonna have the best time of your life !

*The lizard seems hesitant but climbs up anyway and joins the monkey on the tree and in his smoking sessi...

A man goes to buy a clock.

He's browsing in the clock shop. Suddenly he hears a little voice "Get digital you probably can't read analogue."
Startled, he looks around. Nobody is there.

A few minutes later, he hears another little voice "Your shoes belong in a museum!"
He spins around. Noone there.

As he ...

It irks me when people say I have "half baked ideas"

all my ideas happen when I'm fully baked.

I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice....

but he's having Nunavut.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.