A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

If life gives you lemons make lemonade...

If life gives you melons your dyslexic.

What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur

Tyrannosourest Rex

Why is my hand like lemon pie

Cause it's got meringue on it.

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When life gives you lemons...

Get a job and stop worrying abt ur fuckin’ lemons

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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What happened when an orange slept with a prostitute lemon?

He got lemon AIDS

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

Dr Suess had a theory that the digestion of lemon zest is optimal when stationary, what did he name his investigation?

The digest zest the best at rest test.

When life gives you lemons

Just take it, life might be feeling merciful for once

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

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When life hands you lemons, do not have sex with them.

That's how you get LemonAIDS.

I heard that life made a new lemon cream flavored cereal

When life gives you lemons.

What did the melon say to the lemon’s marriage proposal?

I cantaloupe

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

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I was offered sex with a beautiful 21 year old girl today...

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

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How do you give lemon an orgasm?

You tickle its citrus.

Saying Gullible Slowly Enough Makes It Sound Like "Lemon"

It's really weird,

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber?

A radish.

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, desp...

What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

What do you call a medical treatment based on lemons?

Lemonade.

What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?

A sourpuss.

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some Lemon Pledge.

It helps me rise and shine in the morning.

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Life gave me lemons

So I fuckd em and gave em lemon-aids

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Why should a lonesome man never have the sex with a lemon?

... because of lemonaides!

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

What do you call a Jewish person that loves lemons?

An Acidic Jew.

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon

"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."

(Joke 8yo made at dinner) What do give to sick lemons?

First Lemon-aid.

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, '...

Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,

chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation

What do you get when you ask a lemon for help?

Lemon aid

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

When life hands you lemons.....Make lemonade

Then, find someone for whom life has handed them Vodka....

What's the name for the emergency service for lemons?

Lemonade

When life gives you lemons...

Peel one of the lemons in front of the others... You know, to send a message.

An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.

The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial...

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?

They become sour krauts.

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When life gives you lemons.

Just masturbate and then go take a nap.
If that doesn't fix it. Drink them.

My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.

I think she's pozest.

Someone just stole my lemon loaf....

Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake

A bar owner puts out a challenge

He puts an ad in the paper saying that if anyone can beat his bartender in a feat of strength, then he will give them 10,000$. So people come from all over trying to win the money, bodybuilders, construction workers, boxers, but nobody can beat him. In order to win, they must squeeze just one drop o...

How are synagogues like lemons?

They're full of acidic juice.

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