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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?

Inzest

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemonaid.

I walked up to a drunk guy with a lemon

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around ...

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Y'all hear about them lemon Jews?

They're very hasidic.

I was selling lemons the other day outside my house

And a man came up to me and asked “can I just buy the peel?”
I was surprised by this and stared him dead in the eyes before I said “are you taking the pith?”

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

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Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave?

Plot twist!

When life gives you lemons

Ask for salt and tequila

Purple lemon

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:

“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”

And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:

“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”

And so h...

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.

Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."

“I only like lemons,”

Tom said zestfully

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I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

When life gives you lemons

Shove them up you ass, because the only thing life gives me is problems.

Lemons are not perfect

They’re just sublime

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

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Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop?

It’s just plain common scents.

What did the pickle say to the lemon?

I relish our time together


I'll see myself out

Take that look off your face

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
"Bless me father, for I have sinned," he says. "I've spent the week with seven beautiful women."
"Do not fret, my son," says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice."
"Will tha...

You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"

... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."

:(

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The local bar was so sure that it's bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thi...

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced:

"The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door." "Good grief , holmes," said Watson. " How on earth did you deduce that?" "It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

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What happened when an orange slept with a prostitute lemon?

He got lemon AIDS

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur

Tyrannosourest Rex

Why is my hand like lemon pie

Cause it's got meringue on it.

There were three guys on a plane

The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane.
The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane.
The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of t...

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Sensory Perception....

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of sweets and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The pupils easily identified the sweets flavoured of apple, lemon, strawb...

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Lifesavers, get a hole lot more outta life

A teacher gave each of her students a packet of Lifesavers candy and had them all identify the flavours by colour.

Red = cherry
Yellow = lemon
Green = lime
Orange = orange

Finally, all the class were stuck on the last lifesaver flavour, the translucent Honey flavoured lifesa...

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my pass...

A strong man owned a restaurant.

The man had a challenge to anyone who came in. The strong man would squeeze all the juice out of a lemon then challenge the other person to squeeze out at least one more drop.if they win they get a free dinner. many strong people came, but not one could do it.until a small and scrawny man walks in. ...

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When life hands you lemons, do not have sex with them.

That's how you get LemonAIDS.

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When life gives you lemons...

Get a job and stop worrying abt ur fuckin’ lemons

I threw a lemon party last night...

Not one guy came

When life gives you lemons

Just take it, life might be feeling merciful for once

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

What did the melon say to the lemon’s marriage proposal?

I cantaloupe

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At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, desp...

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

A banana was insulting lemon saying it has a miserable life because it gets cut, squeezed and then tossed away.

Lemon was furious and said it’d die by a sword with dignity than to face a humiliation of being stripped naked.

What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

Saying Gullible Slowly Enough Makes It Sound Like "Lemon"

It's really weird,

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How do you give a lemon an orgasm?

Tickle it's cit-er-us

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Wow.. I don't know what this world is coming to....

Today I was offered sex with a very attractive 21yr old girl...in exchange I was supposed to advertise some sort of bathroom cleaning product to my reddit friends. I couldn't do it tho because of my high morals and strong will power. Just as strong as AJOX the super strong bathroom cleaner, now avai...

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Tapeworm Therapy

A man had a tapeworm and went to the doctor to get it removed. The doctor said, "I know exactly what to do, come back next week and bring me an apple and a lemon cookie." So the man did this. He gave the apple and the lemon cookie to the doctor. The doctor told the man to drop his pants and bend ove...

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A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.

Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?

A sourpuss.

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

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Why should a lonesome man never have the sex with a lemon?

... because of lemonaides!

What do you say to a lemon that just lost his job and went through a divorce?

Zest la vie.

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Life gave me lemons

So I fuckd em and gave em lemon-aids

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

What do you call a medical treatment based on lemons?

Lemonade.

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, '...

What do you call a Jewish person that loves lemons?

An Acidic Jew.

What test do citrus lawyers have to pass to become certified?

The lemon bar.

Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some Lemon Pledge.

It helps me rise and shine in the morning.

Sherlock Holmes smeared lemons over Dr. Watson's backside

"Why are you doing that, Holmes?" Dr. Watson asked.
"Lemon-entry my dear Watson", Holmes replied.

Sherlock Holmes was at home one night...

Sherlock Holmes was at home one night, when he gets a call to investigate a crime. So he rings Watson, and asks him to meet him at the scene. Sherlock arrives, and finds the body of a woman dead in the middle of the kitchen floor. He also quickly notices a giant lemon next to the woman, and a hol...

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon

"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."

Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,

chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

(Joke 8yo made at dinner) What do give to sick lemons?

First Lemon-aid.

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

Do you like hollandaise sauce?

Do you like hollandaise sauce? I love it. It put it on fish and chicken and vegetables. It's great.

But there is a lot of lemon juice in it, and I think it is causing some pitting on my dentures.

I went to my dentist. He said the pitting probably was from the hollandaise sauce and that...

An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.

The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial...

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Best bar joke ever (kinda long)

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a beer while the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grab some olives off the bar and eat them, then he grabs some lemons and eat them. He jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender shouts at...

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?

They become sour krauts.

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A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.

I think she's pozest.

When life gives you lemons...

Peel one of the lemons in front of the others... You know, to send a message.

What is the most fearful disease for a fruit?

Lemon-AIDs

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A teacher handed out Lifesavers to her class.

She began to ask the children if they could identify the flavor by each candy’s color.

Pretty soon, the class had identified red for cherry, green for lime, yellow for lemon, and orange for orange. So the teacher tried a harder question. She handed out honey-flavored Lifesavers. Nobody cou...

What's the name for the emergency service for lemons?

Lemonade

Someone just stole my lemon loaf....

Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake

Man to Friend : "Yesterday, i found my wife with another man in bed."

Friend : "What did you do?"

Man : "I went angrily to the kitchen to find a knife. When i found one, i sharpened it carefully. I ran fast to the refrigerator to get lemons and used the knife to cut the lemon and make lemonade for me."

Friend : "What about the man?"

Man : "Of cour...

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