If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

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Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop?

It’s just plain common scents.

“I only like lemons,”

Tom said zestfully

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

What did the pickle say to the lemon?

I relish our time together


I'll see myself out

You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"

... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."

:(

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When life gives you lemons...

Get a job and stop worrying abt ur fuckin’ lemons

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What happened when an orange slept with a prostitute lemon?

He got lemon AIDS

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A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.

Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur

Tyrannosourest Rex

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

When life gives you lemons

Just take it, life might be feeling merciful for once

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

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When life hands you lemons, do not have sex with them.

That's how you get LemonAIDS.

What did the melon say to the lemon’s marriage proposal?

I cantaloupe

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

Sherlock Holmes was at home one night...

Sherlock Holmes was at home one night, when he gets a call to investigate a crime. So he rings Watson, and asks him to meet him at the scene. Sherlock arrives, and finds the body of a woman dead in the middle of the kitchen floor. He also quickly notices a giant lemon next to the woman, and a hol...

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

Why is my hand like lemon pie

Cause it's got meringue on it.

I heard that life made a new lemon cream flavored cereal

When life gives you lemons.

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A teacher was working with a group of children,

trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored ...

What is the most fearful disease for a fruit?

Lemon-AIDs

Saying Gullible Slowly Enough Makes It Sound Like "Lemon"

It's really weird,

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A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

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At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, desp...

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How do you give a lemon an orgasm?

Tickle it's cit-er-us

Dr. Watson turned to Sherlock Holmes and asked what’s your favourite tree Sherlock.

“It’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson”

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.

The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial...

What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

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Best bar joke ever (kinda long)

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a beer while the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grab some olives off the bar and eat them, then he grabs some lemons and eat them. He jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender shouts at...

Man to Friend : "Yesterday, i found my wife with another man in bed."

Friend : "What did you do?"

Man : "I went angrily to the kitchen to find a knife. When i found one, i sharpened it carefully. I ran fast to the refrigerator to get lemons and used the knife to cut the lemon and make lemonade for me."

Friend : "What about the man?"

Man : "Of cour...

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?

A sourpuss.

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

What do you call a medical treatment based on lemons?

Lemonade.

Two boxers go head to head for the biggest match of the season!

In one corner we have Timmy “The Lemon” Dorah!

And in the other corner we have Tommy “The Lime” Jokata!

Both men are known for their vastly different capabilities, Timmy having an extremely weak body, but insanely strong arms, and Tommy being known for his insanely strong body and extr...

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A teacher handed out Lifesavers to her class.

She began to ask the children if they could identify the flavor by each candy’s color.

Pretty soon, the class had identified red for cherry, green for lime, yellow for lemon, and orange for orange. So the teacher tried a harder question. She handed out honey-flavored Lifesavers. Nobody cou...

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Life gave me lemons

So I fuckd em and gave em lemon-aids

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Why should a lonesome man never have the sex with a lemon?

... because of lemonaides!

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some Lemon Pledge.

It helps me rise and shine in the morning.

A man goes to the doctor

Man: Please help! I have severe diarrhea!




Doctor: Have you tried lemons?




Man: YES! BUT EVERYTIME I REMOVE THE LEMON, THE DIARRHEA STARTS AGAIN!

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

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A guy walks into a bar wiht a monkey on his shoulder.

The guy sits down gets his drink and then the monkey jumps off his shoulder onto the bar. The monkey runs down the bar eating all the lemons, limes and cherries.

Bartender: What the hell man?!

Guy: I'm sorry, I just got him and I'm still training him. I'll pay for it.



Th...

What do you call a Jewish person that loves lemons?

An Acidic Jew.

"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon

"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,

chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation

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A guy goes to confess...

A guy goes to confess...
"Father, yesterday I've been with 5 different woman."
"Squeeze 20 lemons and drink the juice" says the priest.
"This will free me from my sins?"
"Absolutely not, but it will take away that shit-eating grin from your face."

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, '...

What's a monkeys favourite dessert?

Lemon Morangutan Pie.

I'm sorry.

What do you get when you ask a lemon for help?

Lemon aid

(Joke 8yo made at dinner) What do give to sick lemons?

First Lemon-aid.

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When life gives you lemons.

Just masturbate and then go take a nap.
If that doesn't fix it. Drink them.

If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...

You're an acidic Jew.

(I made this up, since it seems trendy to let everyone know)

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?

They become sour krauts.

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

When life gives you lemons...

Peel one of the lemons in front of the others... You know, to send a message.

My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.

I think she's pozest.

What's the name for the emergency service for lemons?

Lemonade

Someone just stole my lemon loaf....

Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

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A young Irish woman goes to confession...

She makes the sign of the cross and says, “Bless me Fahder, fer I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “Go ahead, me child. What would it be ye need t’ confess?”

She replies, “Well Fahder, last night I made love t’ me boyfriend. Actually, dats not quite it. We made love tree times, Fahder...

How are synagogues like lemons?

They're full of acidic juice.

What did the dyslexic man do when life gave him lemons?

He made melon-ade

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