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Lemon Jokes

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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

What do you call it when lemons and limes tell lies?

Pulp fiction!

A lime, a lemon, and a pea walked into a bar...

The lime ordered a beer, the lemon got some tequila, and the pea got a diet coke. The lime and lemon watched pea order, and eventually tried to ignore their sense of disgust at a diet coke. They listen to the music being played, drink up their drinks, and eventually get off the stools and pay. As th...

Who did the lemon rob the bank with?

His partner in lime.

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

He got lemonaids.

I threw a lemon party last night...

Not one guy came

Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some Lemon Pledge.

It helps me rise and shine in the morning.

[LONG] The priest and the half lemon.

A priest was sent out to a rural village because the old priest has passed away. He meets the local people, they all get to know each other. His first mass goes well, but after the ceremony a slim man in poor clothing approaches the priest and says:

\- Excuse me father, be kind, and please gi...

Sherlock had a lemon, and Watson asked him where it came from. Sherlock said...

A lemon tree, my dear Watson.

What’s the dominatrix lemon’s favorite band?

Sublime

What do you give a sick lemon

Lemon Aid

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest

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Why couldn’t the lemon and lime have sex?

Because they were cousins and that would be inzest.

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

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I had sex with two lemons

The doctor told me I have lemonades

Gordon Ramsay goes to Australia and whips up a lemon meringue pie.

The whole audience cheers! “That's strange," he says. “I thought Australians usually boo meringue."

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

What does a Lemon do after getting a knife cut?

Lemon-aid

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If life gives you lemons…

you better hope it gives you sugar and water too because otherwise lemonade tastes like shit.

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I was offered sex with a 21 yr old today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

When life brings you lemon

You must be Jamaican

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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The Lemon Cookie

A man has been feeling sick so he goes to see a doctor and the doctor diagnosed him as having a tapeworm.

The man is distraught, but the doctor tells him about a new experimental treatment for tapeworms. It doesn’t require any surgery, it’s completely outpatient, and it only take four days. <...

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A gorilla walks into a bar in Manhattan

The bartender gives the gorilla a craft beer menu (without the fucking QR codes). The gorilla points at a particular summer ale, with hints of lemon. The bartender nods, and tells him what a great choice that is.

A few minutes later, the bartender serves the gorilla this tasty craft brew, an...

My friend gave me a lemon

I didn't really like it.
But I kept eating it.
Until the bitter end.

Sherlock Holmes constructs an entire door out of lemons

Watson approaches him and asks why he did that

Sherlock replied “ Lemon entry dear Watson”

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

I want to wear Lulu Lemon as it’s so cozy, but I think they should rename their men’s line to….

Lulu Ferigno.

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

My roommates have very strong opinions about lemons

One says lemons are the worst type of citrus.

One says lemons are the absolute best.

Both call them "sublime."

"Do Lemons Whistle?"

A drunk goes up to his host at a party and says with that terrible seriousness of totally plastered adults and very small children, "Excuse Me."

The host turns around and there is the drunk, just plastered and glassy eyed, completely out of it. The host thinking there is something wrong says,...

What kind of lemon performs charity work?

Lemonaid

Purple lemon

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:

“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”

And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:

“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”

And so h...

If life gives you lemons...

Apply it on your hair, it's good for preventing dandruff.

What does a Single Lemon have in Common with Rocky?



Sliced alone

“I only like lemons,”

Tom said zestfully

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

What did the pickle say to the lemon?

I relish our time together


I'll see myself out

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When life hands you lemons, do not have sex with them.

That's how you get LemonAIDS.

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

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How do you give a lemon an orgasm?

Tickle its Citorus.

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

When life gives you lemons

Shove them up you ass, because the only thing life gives me is problems.

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Y'all hear about them lemon Jews?

They're very hasidic.

An orange, a pea, and a lemon are barhopping

They visit bar after bar, getting as many drinks as they can before they're cut off, and getting further away from home.

Orange notices a large hill, and suggests rolling down it to get back home. The pea and the lemon think this is a great idea, and they all climb up the hill.

Now a...

Whenever I asked for something, my life gave me lemons

That explains my acidity problems

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

What do you get if you crossbreed a dinosaur with a lemon?

A dinosour

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

Why is my hand like lemon pie

Cause it's got meringue on it.

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When life gives you lemons...

Get a job and stop worrying abt ur fuckin’ lemons

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?

Inzest

I was selling lemons the other day outside my house

And a man came up to me and asked “can I just buy the peel?”
I was surprised by this and stared him dead in the eyes before I said “are you taking the pith?”

French sense of humor

So me (not a German, but was living in Germany those days) and a colleague (who is French and lives in France too) were "on-site" in Austria visiting a customer. After the work day was over we went to a nearby farmer's market just for a stroll. We saw some lovely and cheap lemons there and I wanted ...

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Lemon drops

So a man walks into a bar and sees a big tough guy standing next to a glass and some lemons.

"What's with the lemons?" he asks.

"Its a challenge." replied the bartender. "This here is the strongest man in the world. He will squeeze as much juice from half a lemon into the glass as he...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

What did the melon say to the lemon’s marriage proposal?

I cantaloupe

Saying Gullible Slowly Enough Makes It Sound Like "Lemon"

It's really weird,

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

When life gives you lemons...

Peel one of the lemons in front of the others... You know, to send a message.

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When life gives you lemons.

Just masturbate and then go take a nap.
If that doesn't fix it. Drink them.

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I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

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Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop?

It’s just plain common scents.

My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.

I think she's pozest.

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree

Remained Fruitless

How are synagogues like lemons?

They're full of acidic juice.

Someone just stole my lemon loaf....

Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

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Lemons and potatoes

"I'm tired of you always telling me what to do", says a wife to her husband. This sparks a heated argument. Finally he snaps and starts fucking a potato right in front of her.

This only makes her more angry, so she retaliates by pouring lemon juice all over her lap.

"What are you d...

What do you call a Jewish person that eats lemons?

An Acidic Jew

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, '...

"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon

"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

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