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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

When life gives you lemons

Just take it, life might be feeling merciful for once

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

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When life gives you lemons...

Turn them into melons.

Dr. Boobjob

What did the melon say to the lemon’s marriage proposal?

I cantaloupe

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

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When life gives you lemons...

Get a job and stop worrying abt ur fuckin’ lemons

What do you get when you cross a lemon and a cat?

A sour puss

do you ever think lemons get jealous?

Of the limelight?

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

I heard that life made a new lemon cream flavored cereal

When life gives you lemons.

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When life hands you lemons, do not have sex with them.

That's how you get LemonAIDS.

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How do you give a lemon an orgasm?

Tickle it's cit-er-us

A banana was insulting lemon saying it has a miserable life because it gets cut, squeezed and then tossed away.

Lemon was furious and said it’d die by a sword with dignity than to face a humiliation of being stripped naked.

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

A key lime pie costs $3.50 in Cuba, a lemon meringue pie costs $4.50 in the Dominican Republic...

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber?

A radish.

What happens when you mix a lemon and a dinosaur?

You get a Tyrannosourest Rex

Saying Gullible Slowly Enough Makes It Sound Like "Lemon"

It's really weird,

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I was offered sex with a beautiful 21 year old girl today...

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, desp...

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

What do you call a medical treatment based on lemons?

Lemonade.

What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?

A sourpuss.

If life gives you lemons...

I hope ~~he~~ life also gives you water and sugar or else your lemonade's gonna suck.

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

What do you say to a lemon that just lost his job and went through a divorce?

Zest la vie.

Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some Lemon Pledge.

It helps me rise and shine in the morning.

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Why should a lonesome man never have the sex with a lemon?

... because of lemonaides!

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, '...

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

What do you call a Jewish person that loves lemons?

An Acidic Jew.

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

(Joke 8yo made at dinner) What do give to sick lemons?

First Lemon-aid.

"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon

"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."

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Life gave me lemons

So I fuckd em and gave em lemon-aids

Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,

chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

What do you get when you ask a lemon for help?

Lemon aid

What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

He got lemonaids.

When life gives you lemons...

Peel one of the lemons in front of the others... You know, to send a message.

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?

They become sour krauts.

When life hands you lemons.....Make lemonade

Then, find someone for whom life has handed them Vodka....

My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.

I think she's pozest.

What's the name for the emergency service for lemons?

Lemonade

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When life gives you lemons.

Just masturbate and then go take a nap.
If that doesn't fix it. Drink them.

A bar owner puts out a challenge

He puts an ad in the paper saying that if anyone can beat his bartender in a feat of strength, then he will give them 10,000$. So people come from all over trying to win the money, bodybuilders, construction workers, boxers, but nobody can beat him. In order to win, they must squeeze just one drop o...

Someone just stole my lemon loaf....

Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake

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A teacher handed out Lifesavers to her class.

She began to ask the children if they could identify the flavor by each candy’s color.

Pretty soon, the class had identified red for cherry, green for lime, yellow for lemon, and orange for orange. So the teacher tried a harder question. She handed out honey-flavored Lifesavers. Nobody cou...

How are synagogues like lemons?

They're full of acidic juice.

A man goes to the doctor

Man: Please help! I have severe diarrhea!




Doctor: Have you tried lemons?




Man: YES! BUT EVERYTIME I REMOVE THE LEMON, THE DIARRHEA STARTS AGAIN!

What did the dyslexic man do when life gave him lemons?

He made melon-ade

I made a miniature lemon-lime pie...

It was a little tart

Why did the lemon turn green?

Because he had lime disease

What’s your favorite preservative salt, vinegar, lemon?

Mine’s embalming fluid.

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