An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

do you ever think lemons get jealous?

Of the limelight?

When life gives you lemons...

...take advantage of lemon law.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When life hands you lemons, do not have sex with them.

That's how you get LemonAIDS.

A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.

The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you give a lemon an orgasm?

Tickle it's cit-er-us

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

Dr Suess had a theory that the digestion of lemon zest is optimal when stationary, what did he name his investigation?

The digest zest the best at rest test.

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives you melons...

You're dyslexic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was offered sex with a beautiful 21 year old girl today...

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

What happens when you mix a lemon and a dinosaur?

You get a Tyrannosourest Rex

Saying Gullible Slowly Enough Makes It Sound Like "Lemon"

It's really weird,

A key lime pie costs $3.50 in Cuba, a lemon meringue pie costs $4.50 in the Dominican Republic...

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber?

A radish.

At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, desp...

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

What do you call a medical treatment based on lemons?

Lemonade.

What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?

A sourpuss.

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

If life gives you lemons...

I hope ~~he~~ life also gives you water and sugar or else your lemonade's gonna suck.

Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some Lemon Pledge.

It helps me rise and shine in the morning.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Life gave me lemons

So I fuckd em and gave em lemon-aids

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

What do you call a Jewish person that loves lemons?

An Acidic Jew.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why should a lonesome man never have the sex with a lemon?

... because of lemonaides!

A worldwide chickpea shortage has caused Humus makers to add more lemon to the recipe

Retailers are expecting sales to fall and are prepared for a sharp dip.

"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon

"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."

(Joke 8yo made at dinner) What do give to sick lemons?

First Lemon-aid.

What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

He got lemonaids.

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, '...

A bar owner puts out a challenge

He puts an ad in the paper saying that if anyone can beat his bartender in a feat of strength, then he will give them 10,000$. So people come from all over trying to win the money, bodybuilders, construction workers, boxers, but nobody can beat him. In order to win, they must squeeze just one drop o...

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

What do you get when you cross a German with a lemon?

Sauerkraut.

When life hands you lemons.....Make lemonade

Then, find someone for whom life has handed them Vodka....

What's the name for the emergency service for lemons?

Lemonade

What do you get when you ask a lemon for help?

Lemon aid

Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,

chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation

My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.

I think she's pozest.

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?

They become sour krauts.

Someone just stole my lemon loaf....

Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake

When life gives you lemons...

Peel one of the lemons in front of the others... You know, to send a message.

What's the difference between AIDS and lemonades?

My son died of AIDS.

How are synagogues like lemons?

They're full of acidic juice.

I made a miniature lemon-lime pie...

It was a little tart

Why did the lemon turn green?

Because he had lime disease

What did the dyslexic man do when life gave him lemons?

He made melon-ade

What’s your favorite preservative salt, vinegar, lemon?

Mine’s embalming fluid.

A young Irish woman goes to confession...

She makes the sign of the cross and says, “Bless me Fahder, fer I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “Go ahead, me child. What would it be ye need t’ confess?”

She replies, “Well Fahder, last night I made love t’ me boyfriend. Actually, dats not quite it. We made love tree times, Fahder...

What's a monkeys favourite dessert?

Lemon Morangutan Pie.

I'm sorry.