A lime, a lemon, and a pea walked into a bar...

The lime ordered a beer, the lemon got some tequila, and the pea got a diet coke. The lime and lemon watched pea order, and eventually tried to ignore their sense of disgust at a diet coke. They listen to the music being played, drink up their drinks, and eventually get off the stools and pay. As th...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest

Q- What will we give to a sick lemon?

A- Lemon aid.

Who did the lemon rob the bank with?

His partner in lime.

If life gives you lemons...

Apply it on your hair, it's good for preventing dandruff.

What do you get when you have a cat that eats a lemon?

A sour puss

What do you call a lemon grenade?

Lemonade!

What kind of lemon performs charity work?

Lemonaid

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?

Inzest

"Do Lemons Whistle?"

A drunk goes up to his host at a party and says with that terrible seriousness of totally plastered adults and very small children, "Excuse Me."

The host turns around and there is the drunk, just plastered and glassy eyed, completely out of it. The host thinking there is something wrong says,...

An orange, a pea, and a lemon are barhopping

They visit bar after bar, getting as many drinks as they can before they're cut off, and getting further away from home.

Orange notices a large hill, and suggests rolling down it to get back home. The pea and the lemon think this is a great idea, and they all climb up the hill.

Now a...

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around...

that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.Over the years many...

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

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Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave?

Plot twist!

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' ......

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then s...

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Y'all hear about them lemon Jews?

They're very hasidic.

“I only like lemons,”

Tom said zestfully

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I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

Purple lemon

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:

“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”

And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:

“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”

And so h...

I always take life with a grain of salt...

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

A man walks into a bar

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

Lemons are not perfect

They’re just sublime

What did the pickle say to the lemon?

I relish our time together


I'll see myself out

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?

You dill with it.

Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree

Remained Fruitless

I was selling lemons the other day outside my house

And a man came up to me and asked “can I just buy the peel?”
I was surprised by this and stared him dead in the eyes before I said “are you taking the pith?”

Which tree has the least amount of education?

A lemon tree

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Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop?

It’s just plain common scents.

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The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<...

Rusted braces...

A man returned for the third time to the dentist to get his dental braces replaced due to corrosion.

The dentist asked if he ate a highly acid diet, or was fond of citrus, etc.

The man replied that his wife made an excellent hollandaise sauce that was so good he put it on just about ev...

What's Sherlock Holmes' favourite tree?

A lemon tree

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When life hands you lemons, do not have sex with them.

That's how you get LemonAIDS.

I walked up to a drunk guy with a lemon

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around ...

What do you call a Jewish person that eats lemons?

An Acidic Jew

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

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What happened when an orange slept with a prostitute lemon?

He got lemon AIDS

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Two Gynaecologists

Two gynaecologists were chatting over their lunch break

G1:”you should’ve seen the one on my last patient. She had a vagina like a lemon!!”

G2:”what?! so large?”

G1:”No, so sour!”

Four women in a bar are boasting about how loose they are....

The first one says “hey bartender, get me the biggest lemon you’ve got.” The bartender is confused, but brings back a large lemon and gives it to the woman. She goes to work down under, and after some exertion, stands up with no lemon in her hands.

The second lady calls to the bartender, “Ba...

You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"

... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."

:(

Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from?

A lemon tree, dear Watson.

Bob's first day in heaven:

God:... You're about to get your wings!

Bob:... Lemon pepper or BBQ ?

God:.... Get out.

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

Why is my hand like lemon pie

Cause it's got meringue on it.

What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur

Tyrannosourest Rex

What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

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An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

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When life gives you lemons...

Get a job and stop worrying abt ur fuckin’ lemons

When life gives you lemons...

...take advantage of lemon law.

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

What did the melon say to the lemon’s marriage proposal?

I cantaloupe

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

A banana was insulting lemon saying it has a miserable life because it gets cut, squeezed and then tossed away.

Lemon was furious and said it’d die by a sword with dignity than to face a humiliation of being stripped naked.

A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“We...

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How do you give a lemon an orgasm?

You tickle it's citrus.

Finnish jokes poking fun at Sweden, translated to English (not 100% greatest translation)

-Swedish is an easy language to learn. For example, sit horse is sit ruuna (sitruuna = lemon)

-how do you recognize a Swede?

He pushes a pull door

-What is the difference between a chicken and a Swede?

-Chicken only lays eggs/fails (same word in Finnish) once a day
...

I heard that life made a new lemon cream flavored cereal

When life gives you lemons.

Give a man a fish

Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll leave work early on Fridays.

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

Saying Gullible Slowly Enough Makes It Sound Like "Lemon"

It's really weird,

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

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Why should a lonesome man never have the sex with a lemon?

... because of lemonaides!

There were three guys on a plane

The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane.
The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane.
The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of t...

What do you call a medical treatment based on lemons?

Lemonade.

My friend said he was hot, so I threw my drink at him

"What was that?" Lemon aid

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, '...

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon

"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."

Sherlock Holmes smeared lemons over Dr. Watson's backside

"Why are you doing that, Holmes?" Dr. Watson asked.
"Lemon-entry my dear Watson", Holmes replied.

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my pass...

Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some Lemon Pledge.

It helps me rise and shine in the morning.

Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,

chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

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Life gave me lemons

So I fuckd em and gave em lemon-aids

(Joke 8yo made at dinner) What do give to sick lemons?

First Lemon-aid.

What do you get when you ask a lemon for help?

Lemon aid

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.

I think she's pozest.

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

What's the name for the emergency service for lemons?

Lemonade

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