A lime, a lemon, and a pea walked into a bar...

The lime ordered a beer, the lemon got some tequila, and the pea got a diet coke. The lime and lemon watched pea order, and eventually tried to ignore their sense of disgust at a diet coke. They listen to the music being played, drink up their drinks, and eventually get off the stools and pay. As th...

Who did the lemon rob the bank with?

His partner in lime.

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.


Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

Why was the Lemon sent to detention after school.

It was always tarty.

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

What kind of lemon performs charity work?

Lemonaid

What do you get when you have a cat that eats a lemon?

A sour puss

What do you call a lemon grenade?

Lemonade!

Whenever I asked for something, my life gave me lemons

That explains my acidity problems

Joke 2#

What do you give to a sick lemon?



LEMON AID

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

"Do Lemons Whistle?"

A drunk goes up to his host at a party and says with that terrible seriousness of totally plastered adults and very small children, "Excuse Me."

The host turns around and there is the drunk, just plastered and glassy eyed, completely out of it. The host thinking there is something wrong says,...

Tonight I made salmon for supper

As it was gently cooking in a warm bath of garlic, herbs, lemon, wine, and onion I got a visit from a Fish and Wildlife officer. He said “sir we have reason to believe that salmon has been poached”

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

The man sits down and hears a voice:

Priest: "Tell me my child why are you here?"

Man: "I've done some terrible things and I'd like to ask for forgiveness."

Priest: "Go on my child."

Man: "I have taken the Lord's name in vain on multiple occasions, I stole money from my s...

What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?

Inzest

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How do you give a lemon an orgasm?

Tickle its Citorus.

If life gives you lemons...

Apply it on your hair, it's good for preventing dandruff.

A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down.

Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..

An orange, a pea, and a lemon are barhopping

They visit bar after bar, getting as many drinks as they can before they're cut off, and getting further away from home.

Orange notices a large hill, and suggests rolling down it to get back home. The pea and the lemon think this is a great idea, and they all climb up the hill.

Now a...

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Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave?

Plot twist!

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

Lemons are not perfect

They’re just sublime

Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from?

A lemon tree, dear Watson.

What did the pickle say to the lemon?

I relish our time together


I'll see myself out

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When life hands you lemons, do not have sex with them.

That's how you get LemonAIDS.

What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?

You dill with it.

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

“I only like lemons,”

Tom said zestfully

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Y'all hear about them lemon Jews?

They're very hasidic.

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I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

I walked up to a drunk guy with a lemon

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around ...

What do you call a Jewish person that eats lemons?

An Acidic Jew

Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree

Remained Fruitless

Purple lemon

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:

“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”

And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:

“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”

And so h...

What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

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What happened when an orange slept with a prostitute lemon?

He got lemon AIDS

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Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop?

It’s just plain common scents.

A man walks into a bar.

Sitting down next to a second man, he orders an eye-watering combination of milk curdled with lemon juice mixed with their cheapest whiskey and run.

The second man is taken aback and says that's what he is drinking too!

"You must be a serial killer to like that kind of drink" the first...

What did the melon say to the lemon’s marriage proposal?

I cantaloupe

I threw a lemon party last night...

Not one guy came

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

"When life gives you lemons...

Don't make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man whose gonna burn your house down -...

Why is my hand like lemon pie

Cause it's got meringue on it.

What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur

Tyrannosourest Rex

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' ......

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then s...

When life gives you lemons...

...take advantage of lemon law.

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When life gives you lemons...

Get a job and stop worrying abt ur fuckin’ lemons

Four women in a bar are boasting about how loose they are....

The first one says “hey bartender, get me the biggest lemon you’ve got.” The bartender is confused, but brings back a large lemon and gives it to the woman. She goes to work down under, and after some exertion, stands up with no lemon in her hands.

The second lady calls to the bartender, “Ba...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

Life

I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

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Why should a lonesome man never have the sex with a lemon?

... because of lemonaides!

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,

chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation

What do you call a medical treatment based on lemons?

Lemonade.

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, '...

"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon

"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

when life gives you lemons...

you force baby's to eat them for entertainment

What do you say to a lemon that just lost his job and went through a divorce?

Zest la vie.

My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.

I think she's pozest.

Which tree has the least amount of education?

A lemon tree

Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some Lemon Pledge.

It helps me rise and shine in the morning.

(Joke 8yo made at dinner) What do give to sick lemons?

First Lemon-aid.

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

What do you get when you ask a lemon for help?

Lemon aid

Sherlock Holmes smeared lemons over Dr. Watson's backside

"Why are you doing that, Holmes?" Dr. Watson asked.
"Lemon-entry my dear Watson", Holmes replied.

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

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Two Gynaecologists

Two gynaecologists were chatting over their lunch break

G1:”you should’ve seen the one on my last patient. She had a vagina like a lemon!!”

G2:”what?! so large?”

G1:”No, so sour!”

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

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