A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

The other day I carried a jar of sour cream into the sea. Some guy comes up to me and asked what I was doing

I said I was taking a dip in the ocean

Just ordered Hong Kong style sweet and sour chicken from my local takeaway

4 police officers delivered it and fired tear gas through my front door.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

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A man walks into a bar with an overweight donkey and a sour looking cat.

He sits down, and asks for a 1 beer. He gets a bucket of water for the donkey, and milk for the cat. The cat looks at the milk and scowls in disgust. The man explains that the cat only drinks 2% milk and nothing else.
After drinking he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount ...

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The Drunk & the Bus Driver

This is a repost of one I've told for decades:

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus...

What do you call a Jewish person with a sour stomach?

an Acidic Jew

Somebody stole my eyes!

They robbed me blind..

(Credit to Stone Sour, always makes me chuckle)

I’m in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones.

We’re a rock band.

I've decided to rank fruits by how sour they are.

Pretty much all of them are sublime.

I tried making dessert, but I only had sour milk.

It was quite off pudding.

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

If genres were flavors SCI-FI would be sour, Fantasy would be sweet, Horror would be bitter, Mystery would be umami...

And Erotica would be salty.

What do you call a grumpy German?

A sour kraut

Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where yo...

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Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

What did the cunning linguist say to the angry german?

Why so sour, Kraut?

If I have three bags of sour skittles and a child steals one bag of my sour skittles. What will I have at the end of the day?

Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.

Sour patch kids remind me of my mom.

She was sour, sweet, then gone.

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

My girlfriend was surprised and happy when I handed her my wallet before she went out with her girlfriends for her birthday. The look on her face soured however when she held the gooey cash in her hands.

I think she misunderstood me when I said I recently came into some money.

Why do emo's always act so sour?

Because you can't spell Lemon without emo.

Why is it called sour cream?

Because sweet cream only comes from female cows.

Love is sweet and sour.

Love is a funny thing. One minute you're thinking "Wow, so this is what true love feels like", and the next minute you're banned for "eating Chick Fil A sauce inappropriately".

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

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Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

If Marty McFly had bipolar disorder...

....would that have made him Sweet n' Sour Chicken?

My waiter asked, "would you like sour cream, bacon and chives on your potato?"

"That's a loaded question."

Why do Buddhist monks have such sour faces?

Because they're acetic.

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The coroner

So the cop asks the Coroner, "What's the story with that female we pulled out of the river yesterday?"

The Coroner says, "Cause of death was blunt force trauma and asphyxiation."

The cop asks, "How long was she in the river?"

The Coroner says, "About six days. Her clitoris was l...

What is a German group called when they can´t get into the club?

Sour Krauts.



Ps: I am a German myself.

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt...

New cuisines

I went to a Chinese/ German fusion buffet today for lunch. I had the Szechuan Schnitzel with sweet and sour kraut. It was pretty good. My only complaint is that an hour later I was hungry...
For POWER!

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An old joke from my great-grandfather.

*read this in a southern accent*

Our story today takes place back in World War 2, the sequel.

So one day, old Uncle Sam pointed to our friend, a man we'll Bubba, and said "I want you!"
So Bubba, a good man he was, said "alright." And went and joined the army.
The day comes when...

How do you make a Whiskey Sour?

Crush it's hopes and dreams.

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A man walks into a very fancy restaurant...

"Alright!" The man yells. "Where's the fucking manager?" The manager quickly comes to the front desk and asks "would you mind keeping your voice down and avoiding such language."

"Shut up, you cocksucker!" The man replies. "Your sign says your looking for a pianist. So where the fuck's your p...

A sailor is newly arrived in port

and, of course, goes looking for female companionship. He makes a connection in a bar and they go back to her place, and just as they're starting to get hot and heavy she says "By the way, this will be $300, OK?". He reaches for his wallet and hands over the money with a slightly sour expression, th...

Three men go to heaven and meet Saint Peter.

They were each greeted warmly and told to answer all questions truthfully. St. Peter asks the first man: "You were married, but were you faithful? Remember, I will know if you are lying."

"Absolutely, I never cheated once in my life." claimed the man, pride gleaming in his eyes.

"Very...

What do you call two acids with an attitude?

An a-mean-o acid, but the sour-foul-ric acids are the worst.

On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?"
FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets"
Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls bac...

An old man was staying in a hotel and went for breakfast at the restaurant.

The waiter asked him what he’d like for breakfast and the old man replies:

“I want porridge but it must be lumpy and under cooked, then I want some bacon , eggs and toast but the bacon must be burnt to a crisp, the eggs must be runny and snotty and the toast I want 1 slice very soggy and the ...

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A couple hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The woman stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

Her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"

She replied, "I can go out as whatever I want."

So the husband also took off all his clothes and tied a string to his penis with ...

A potato walks into a bar smoking a joint...

He puts out the joint and sits at the bar and orders a side of bacon. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of green onions. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of cheddar. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Last he order...

what happens if you get bitten by a yeti vampire

You get frostbite (this joke was brought to you by a sour patch kid gogurt)

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A couple who own a Chinese restaurant are having sex.

The man says "I wanna 69". The woman says "Why you want sweet sour pork now?".

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A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

What is China's favorite cat?

Sweet and sour

I fell in love with a cucumber farmer.

We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.

Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.

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Once there were 3 people in an airplane.

One took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane.

The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane.

Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too ...

Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey?

Because Kermit likes Sweet and Sour pork.

Supreme Court

Is just regular court with sour cream and tomatoes.

There were three guys on a plane. One bit into an apple, thought it was too...

There were three guys on a plane. One bit into an apple, thought it was too sweet. He threw it out the window. The second guy bit into a lemon, thought it was too sour, threw it out the window. The third guy bit into a grenade, thought it was too crunchy and threw it out the window.
When the plan...

A guy is sitting at a bar...

He looks down and sees a decent looking woman at the other end. The bartender approaches:

"What'll it be?"

"I'll take a whiskey sour- and tell that c**t down there I'll buy her whatever she'd like."

The bartender is outraged!

"Hey! You can't call her that vile name! I...

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This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

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A man goes shopping at the market..

He pulls into the frozen food section and looks around, grabbing a few hungry man frozen dinners along with a bag of tater-tots and a few burritos. Next he rolled down the chip isle making sure to grab an original, bbq, and sour cream and onion variety of Lays. Next up: hot dogs, spaghetti, and some...

Last night I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69...

She made me sweet and sour pork with fried rice.

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God and Moses are playing golf on Saturn one day...

Moses says to god, "What you got planned for the weekend G? Wanna head out to mercury and lay on the beach, drink some beers, maybe get some ass?

God says "Nah man, last time I went out there I got hammered and passed out in the sun, woke up with the worst sunburn ever, ruined my whole tri...

What's the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?

One is wrinkly, sour, and orange. The other gets picked by Mexicans.

I'm just a basic Jew...

...but if things go sour, I might become Hasidic.

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Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?

They become sour krauts.

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Women are like Wine

(I've submitted this one to another thread before, let's see how it goes here)

A man sits in his study, a book in his hand and a full glass of inky cabernet by his side. There's a sheepish knock at the door. "Come in," the man says without lifting his eyes from the page.

The door crea...

This girl with a yeast infection walks into a bar

She sits down to order a drink and the bartender walks over and says " what's with the sour puss? "

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Golfers Will Make Any Excuse for Another Hole (Golf Humor)

It's said that a golfer will make any excuse to their loved one to play more golf. The story goes a gentleman (our main character) picks up a few rounds of golf with some of the guys at the office once a week after work. On this particular evening a few rounds turned into a few more, and a few more,...

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Three guys were talking about their girlfriends...

Three guys were talking about their girlfriends and the topic turned to blowjobs. The first guy says "My girl calls them 'ice baths' because she always puts something cold in her mouth when she give me head." The second guy says "My girlfriend uses a move she calls 'the lemon drop' where she eats so...

A man is displeased with the soup he has ordered in a restaurant.

So he calls for the waiter, and says to the waiter," Waiter, could you please come over and taste my soup?"

To which the waiter replies,"Why, sir? Is it too sour? I could add some sugar to it if you want."

"Just come and taste it."

"Why? Has it turned cold? I could get it heated...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

Three mice are sitting at a bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it ...

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