I tried making dessert, but I only had sour milk.

It was quite off pudding.

Someone asked me what I thought about Sour Patch Kids...

My opinion of them is bittersweet

I’m in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones.

We’re a rock band.

What do you call a Jewish person with a sour stomach?

an Acidic Jew

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt...

Sour patch kids remind me of my mom.

She was sour, sweet, then gone.

If I have three bags of sour skittles and a child steals one bag of my sour skittles. What will I have at the end of the day?

Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very busty organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, o...

Why do emo's always act so sour?

Because you can't spell Lemon without emo.

My waiter asked, "would you like sour cream, bacon and chives on your potato?"

"That's a loaded question."

If genres were flavors SCI-FI would be sour, Fantasy would be sweet, Horror would be bitter, Mystery would be umami...

And Erotica would be salty.

Love is sweet and sour.

Love is a funny thing. One minute you're thinking "Wow, so this is what true love feels like", and the next minute you're banned for "eating Chick Fil A sauce inappropriately".

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

My wife is unhappy with my new bread baking hobby.

Seems she wants to be the only sour, doughy thing in my life.

How do you make a Whiskey Sour?

Crush it's hopes and dreams.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke about blackboards, and yes it is a ‘chalk’ pun, so don’t get your hopes up

Two guys, Will and Arnie, are warehouse workers for a company that sells blackboards. Every morning on the shipping dock, their job is to take the blackboards from inventory and load them into the delivery trucks. Now, the thing is, the company has started to ramp up production, and they’ve been fil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

New cuisines

I went to a Chinese/ German fusion buffet today for lunch. I had the Szechuan Schnitzel with sweet and sour kraut. It was pretty good. My only complaint is that an hour later I was hungry...
For POWER!

A sailor is newly arrived in port

and, of course, goes looking for female companionship. He makes a connection in a bar and they go back to her place, and just as they're starting to get hot and heavy she says "By the way, this will be $300, OK?". He reaches for his wallet and hands over the money with a slightly sour expression, th...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

What is a German group called when they can´t get into the club?

Sour Krauts.

​

Ps: I am a German myself.

I checked out a brothel and spent time with a bipolar asian girl last night

Dont think I'll be ordering sweet & sour off the menu again any time soon

A potato walks into a bar smoking a joint...

He puts out the joint and sits at the bar and orders a side of bacon. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of green onions. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of cheddar. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Last he order...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The woman stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

Her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"

She replied, "I can go out as whatever I want."

So the husband also took off all his clothes and tied a string to his penis with ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old joke from my great-grandfather.

*read this in a southern accent*

Our story today takes place back in World War 2, the sequel.

So one day, old Uncle Sam pointed to our friend, a man we'll Bubba, and said "I want you!"
So Bubba, a good man he was, said "alright." And went and joined the army.
The day comes when...

What do you call two acids with an attitude?

An a-mean-o acid, but the sour-foul-ric acids are the worst.

An old man was staying in a hotel and went for breakfast at the restaurant.

The waiter asked him what he’d like for breakfast and the old man replies:

“I want porridge but it must be lumpy and under cooked, then I want some bacon , eggs and toast but the bacon must be burnt to a crisp, the eggs must be runny and snotty and the toast I want 1 slice very soggy and the ...

what happens if you get bitten by a yeti vampire

You get frostbite (this joke was brought to you by a sour patch kid gogurt)

Three men go to heaven and meet Saint Peter.

They were each greeted warmly and told to answer all questions truthfully. St. Peter asks the first man: "You were married, but were you faithful? Remember, I will know if you are lying."

"Absolutely, I never cheated once in my life." claimed the man, pride gleaming in his eyes.

"Very...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a very fancy restaurant...

"Alright!" The man yells. "Where's the fucking manager?" The manager quickly comes to the front desk and asks "would you mind keeping your voice down and avoiding such language."

"Shut up, you cocksucker!" The man replies. "Your sign says your looking for a pianist. So where the fuck's your p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple who own a Chinese restaurant are having sex.

The man says "I wanna 69". The woman says "Why you want sweet sour pork now?".

What do you call a German in a bad mood?

A sour Kraut

My Chinese neighbor just had two puppies

He named them “Sweet” and “Sour”

On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?"
FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets"
Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls bac...

I fell in love with a cucumber farmer.

We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.

Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.

What is a cat's favorite drink?

A whisker sour.

What is China's favorite cat?

Sweet and sour

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there were 3 people in an airplane.

One took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane.

The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane.

Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69

She made me crunchy sweet and sour pork with double rice

Supreme Court

Is just regular court with sour cream and tomatoes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A collection of OC jokes!

Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!

* I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight,...

A guy is sitting at a bar...

He looks down and sees a decent looking woman at the other end. The bartender approaches:

"What'll it be?"

"I'll take a whiskey sour- and tell that c**t down there I'll buy her whatever she'd like."

The bartender is outraged!

"Hey! You can't call her that vile name! I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The double flavored apple store

A man just moved to a new town from far away, and one day decides to take a walk around to get to know the area.

While walking down the street and checking out all the stores along the way, he notices one that seemed unusual. The sign above read "Jerry's Double Flavored Apples." Curious, the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

I'm just a basic Jew...

...but if things go sour, I might become Hasidic.

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?

They become sour krauts.

There were three guys on a plane. One bit into an apple, thought it was too...

There were three guys on a plane. One bit into an apple, thought it was too sweet. He threw it out the window. The second guy bit into a lemon, thought it was too sour, threw it out the window. The third guy bit into a grenade, thought it was too crunchy and threw it out the window.
When the plan...

What's the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?

One is wrinkly, sour, and orange. The other gets picked by Mexicans.

Women are like Wine

(I've submitted this one to another thread before, let's see how it goes here)

A man sits in his study, a book in his hand and a full glass of inky cabernet by his side. There's a sheepish knock at the door. "Come in," the man says without lifting his eyes from the page.

The door crea...

A man is displeased with the soup he has ordered in a restaurant.

So he calls for the waiter, and says to the waiter," Waiter, could you please come over and taste my soup?"

To which the waiter replies,"Why, sir? Is it too sour? I could add some sugar to it if you want."

"Just come and taste it."

"Why? Has it turned cold? I could get it heated...

Three mice are sitting at a bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golfers Will Make Any Excuse for Another Hole (Golf Humor)

It's said that a golfer will make any excuse to their loved one to play more golf. The story goes a gentleman (our main character) picks up a few rounds of golf with some of the guys at the office once a week after work. On this particular evening a few rounds turned into a few more, and a few more,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two morgue workers are talking...

They are telling stories about the people they've had on their table when one of them says: "I had a woman come in the other day and she had breasts like watermelons, man."

"Well, I had a woman come in the other day," the other one says, "and she had a clitoris like a lemon."

"What? Sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes shopping at the market..

He pulls into the frozen food section and looks around, grabbing a few hungry man frozen dinners along with a bag of tater-tots and a few burritos. Next he rolled down the chip isle making sure to grab an original, bbq, and sour cream and onion variety of Lays. Next up: hot dogs, spaghetti, and some...

Why does Ms. Piggy use honey and vinegar douche?

Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

What is Homer Simpsons favorite bread?

Sour-Doh!

This girl with a yeast infection walks into a bar

She sits down to order a drink and the bartender walks over and says " what's with the sour puss? "

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck walks into a bar... [WARNING: HIGHLY OFFENSIVE]

[Editor's note: Heard this one from my uncle who lives in Mississippi. Politically correct types should move on without continuing to read. Seriously. You've been warned.]

So this good ol' boy walks into a bar in East Texas and there's an African-American gentleman tending bar. The good ol' b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old McMurty

A man walks into a lonely Scottish pub and finds it empty except for a sour old man behind the bar. The old Scot behind the bar scowls and pours the man a glass of whisky before he gets a chance to order anything else.

"I've kept this bar for over 20 years now, an' do they call me McMurty th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young woman is talking to her dad...

She says, "Dad, I've met a guy." Dad beams proudly and they have a brief conversation about him. Dad asks, "So what's he do for a living?" She smiles and replies, "He's a sailor on a ship."

Dad's happy reaction goes sour and he finishes the conversation by stating flatly, "I've never liked sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Food and Country

Yesterday I was so Hungary, I decided to Czech if there was any food.
I was Russian to the fridge, but found only a Turkey full of Greece.
Iran to the store to get some salt, pepper, Chile and Korea-nder, because I was in the mood for some Sweden sour.
I found Iraq of pork chops but there w...

Two men are standing in line at a bakery when an old man joins them.

There's a cute young woman behind the counter when the first man tells her his order.

'I'll have a loaf of sour dough and how about some raisin bread.'

At this point the second man in line looks back at the old man and tells him to watch. The old man then sees the lady behind the count...

An Englishman, An American and A Korean are on a ship...

The ship is in stormy waters, when suddenly a genie appears from the waves and tells them "I'm sorry, but you men will die in this storm. I have no power to prevent your death, but as some recompense I can grant you all one wish before you perish"

The three great friends begin to think before...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man's running up his bill at a bar...

..and the bartender doesn't trust him at all, he thinks the guy's just going to sneak out without paying. He calls the bouncer over and says, "hey buddy, It's time to pay up, don't pull anything funny." The guy pulls out his wallet only to find that he doesn't have any money. "alright," the bartende...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple was going to a costume party

The wife goes and gets changed and comes out with nothing but a lemon hanging around her waist. The husband says "what are you supposed to be?" The wife says "I'm going as a sour-puss." The husband says "alrighty then" and goes to get changed. He comes out with nothing but a potato hanging around hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys were talking about their girlfriends...

Three guys were talking about their girlfriends and the topic turned to blowjobs. The first guy says "My girl calls them 'ice baths' because she always puts something cold in her mouth when she give me head." The second guy says "My girlfriend uses a move she calls 'the lemon drop' where she eats so...

Chinese anniversary

A Chinese couple is celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary. The husband says, "Since this is such a special night for us, I'll make love to you however you'd like." The wife replies, "Oh, all my friends tell me they love 69! Let's do 69 tonight!" The husband says, "You want to make love with...

Woman and her Cat

What did the woman do when a lemon tree fell her cat?

Nothing, she just stood there with a sour puss

two groan worthy jokes I made up over breakfast

1.Q. What do you get when you cross a Triceratops and a lemon?
A. A Dino-sour

2.Q. Were do robots go to worship?
A. Mech-a

Leprechaun caught while golfing

A man in Ireland is playing golf alone when he hooks a shot into the bushes.

He pushes his way into the undergrowth and finds his ball...resting a foot away from an embarrassed looking Leprechaun stuck in the jaws of a steel rodent trap.

Shocked for a only a moment, he pries open the t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Hungry Bear Walks into a Bar

A bear walks into a bar and orders a whiskey sour and some chicken wings. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve hungry bears here."

Exasperated, the bear rolls his eyes, and looks down the bar to see a slutty looking girl getting chatted up by a few guys. The bear walks over, rips her ...