What does orange juice and my dad have in common?

They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.

Why was the man fired from the orange juice factory?

Because he couldn't concentrate.

What do you call juice with no ice in it?

Ju

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice

a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch..

Drink apple juice

OJ will kill you

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A group of horses walks into a juice bar...

"What'll it be for ya?"

The first horse replies "wheat grass"

The barista says "that's not on the menu"

The second says "wheat grass, it's on the board"

The barista: of course you eat grass, you're horses. But I'm telling you we don't serve grass."

Sensing some ...

What did Jim Carey say when his typewriter broke?

I'll writey then!



My girlfriend just came up with that on a juice run to the kitchen :\]

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Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Why was the the blonde staring at the orange juice container ?

It said Concentrate

Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.

Cashier: “You must be single, right?”

Me: “Yes! How did you know?”

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?

Absent-tea parent.

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.

She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

Why wasn't the food lion bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?

Because baggers cant be juicers.

Why did the customer drink the apple juice?

Although she had ordered orange juice, she noticed that the restaurant was busy, and wasn't Karen about it.

The local bar was so sure that

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze e...

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They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

One part vodka, one part vermouth, add olives and olive juice then drink alone

Quarantini

A man wins big...

*pardon if this is a repost*

A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.

When he arrives, he asks his wife "Wha...

Why "almost milk" is called "almond milk"?..........

because nobody can keep a straight face while saying "nut juice".

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Before the Mother's day, the teacher gives her class an assignment to write an essay about their mothers.

"Mothers are really important in our lives," she says, "so I want you to write an essay titled "I've only got one mom".

The next day the teacher asks the kids to read their essay aloud. Little Samuel goes first:

"My mom works two jobs to take care of my sister and me, and she gets real...

A man walks into a juice bar and orders a smoothie. The Mexican behind the counter says "would you like to add any milk protein?"

The man responds, "No whey Jose."

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

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How does Hitler like his juice?

Concentrated

Have you noticed how Jesus is always depicted like an athlete who spends all his time at the gym?

At first I thought that he's just working out really hard. Then I heard his street name was "king of the juice".

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

A weasel goes to the bar

One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”

The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”

“Pop!” goes the weasel.

The reason orange juice doesn't slide well on hard wood floors is

Because of pulp friction.

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

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Q: How much juice could a Beetlejuice juice if a Beetlejuice could juice beetles?

A: A Beetlejuice would j... ohhh shit

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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice.

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?

Pulp fiction.

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

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What do Hitler and Sunny D have in common?

They both like their juice with extra chemicals.

Do you think oranges become juice willingly

Or are they getting pressured into it?

I drove by a truck carrying canned orange juice and almost got into an accident.

I should have concentrated on the road.

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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

Corona beer sales have plummeted just because of the name similarity

Which I don't get cause, when O.J killed his wife I didn't stop drinking orange juice

Today I tried nicotine free juice in my vape

0mg

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"I'm almost afraid to have sex with you, I think it might hurt."

"I'm almost afraid to have sex with you, I think it might hurt." said my new girlfriend.

"Why's that, love. You afraid of a big cock?" I asked smiling as I took a drink.

"No, because it just took you 6 minutes to put the straw in the hole of your Capri-Sun juice pouch." she rep...

I made some dill flavoured bread yesterday

I used the juice from a jar of dill pickles. The issue is I made far too much mix. I tried to give it to my friends and family but none of them wanted any of my left over used dill dough!

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

Because it said 'concentrate'.

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my pass...

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

Jamaican joke

A Jamaican man went into a store and pick up a bottle of juice and a bag of sugar and only paid for the juice and walked out....he got arrested for stealing the sugar.

He wen to court, the judge asked him why he stole the sugar... He then replied,

“Yuh honor, mi nah tief nuh sugar... ...

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Granny suprise

A prostitute in Philippines stands in line with 50 others during a police raid, checking their IDs

As suprise her grand mother shows up, asking what she is doing in that long line.

"There is a man on the end, giving oranges for free, to make juice", she lies ashamed.

"Well, in ...

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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a sel...

While I was in Germany I asked the waiter to bring me some Juice but without ice.

I got a plate of ash.

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water...

Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?

What do you call a juice box’s daughter who’s transitioned to a male?

CapriSon.

Take that look off your face

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
"Bless me father, for I have sinned," he says. "I've spent the week with seven beautiful women."
"Do not fret, my son," says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice."
"Will tha...

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What kind of drink does Hitler dislike?

Juice.

Michael Jackson robbed a Boost Juice before he died..

He was a smoothie criminal.

Add pressurised gas to orange juice you get orangeade. Add pressurised gas to cherry juice you get cherryade. Add pressurised gas to a man named Declan.

You get a decade. Though I'm hoping to be out on parole after 5 for good behaviour.

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

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What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider.

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

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What’s the difference between Prune Juice and OJ?

Prune Juice will give you the shits..... OJ will kill you and your boyfriend.

What do you call people snorting up juice at a party?

A punchline

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

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When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

What's a jew's least favorite kind of juice

Juice made from concentrate

A friend asked me why some people don't like juice. I tell him it's probably because they're thinking of that cheap, acidic variety that's been destroyed by the concentration process

Apparently this opinion can get you banned from the local kosher supermarket

15 Things To Do At Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/...

What kind of juice can get away with murder?

OJ

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

A strong man owned a restaurant.

The man had a challenge to anyone who came in. The strong man would squeeze all the juice out of a lemon then challenge the other person to squeeze out at least one more drop.if they win they get a free dinner. many strong people came, but not one could do it.until a small and scrawny man walks in. ...

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Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?

He hated the juice.

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

What's Queen Jocasta's favorite juice-based beverage?

Sonny D

I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning. My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain. I was very skeptical at first but she was right...

... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

I don't like my job at the fruit beverages factory.

But I got juiced to it.

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