The average hotdog machine will have 547,500 wieners in it and catch 4,277 gallons of juice in its trap during its lifetime.

Just like your mother.

Do oranges chose to become juice?

Or do they get pressed to it?

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

What’s the difference between juice and cider?

A date can’t end with you in juice.

Yesterday I saw a marine mammal swim along the coast holding a glass of orange juice in it's flippers.

Turned out to be a Vitamin C-lion

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got canned

I just couldn't concentrate.

I found I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice.

My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars , but I really think it's the Vodka

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

What does orange juice and my dad have in common?

They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.

British man: If you like vodka and tomato juice so much...

then why don’t you bloody mary it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

What travels faster than the speed of light?

Hi-C fruit juice drinks.

Just A Man Shopping With His Wife

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice

a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead.

Me: That's why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka...

It’s Vodka with Orange Juice

(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

Why does Meghan Trainor like to pour the meat juices over her roast during cooking?

She’s all about that baste.

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, a man deviated from the road and his car fell in a hole beside the road..

He crawled hard outside the hole. A pretty woman saw him and stopped her car to help him.



"Are you OK?" the woman said.



"I am, I guess" the man said while he was trying to stand up.



"You have some blood on your face, come, get in my car and we will go to ...

Guy got so drunk he blew chunks (vomited)

A bartender overhears a guy in the bar bragging to his friends about how he is going to "tie one on" About 10 minutes later the guy walks up to the bar and asks for a 40 pounder of tequila. The bartender says to him I'll make you a deal, if you drink that whole bottle of tequila before you leave h...

My brother spilled apple juice on my laptop

It was a cider attack

Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.

Cashier: “You must be single, right?”

Me: “Yes! How did you know?”

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink

it gave me a religious movement

I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for.

“Concentrate” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!

A man walks into a church confessional

He says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."

The priest is silent for a moment and then says, "Go home, cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it all down in one gulp."

"And I’ll be forgiven?" as...

Why do they call it almond milk?

Cuz no one can say nut juice with a straight face....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

What type of orange juice do people with ADHD have trouble drinking?

Concentrate!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple at a bar

In a nightclub, a girl invites her boyfriend for a drink. She orders a whiskey-soda for herself and a Bailey with lemon juice aside for him. - What did you order from me? the guy is surprised. - A Bailey with a lemon juice on the side! You will see, you will be amazed! - I don't know ... The bartend...

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

Juice world is dead.

Guess he is juice box now.

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of horses walks into a juice bar...

"What'll it be for ya?"

The first horse replies "wheat grass"

The barista says "that's not on the menu"

The second says "wheat grass, it's on the board"

The barista: of course you eat grass, you're horses. But I'm telling you we don't serve grass."

Sensing some ...

A woman takes her religious husband to the doctor.

During the visit, the husband says to the doctor "my eyesight is going, so I'm grateful that God is so helpful. When I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, God turns the light on when I enter and off when I leave."

Afterward, the doctor tells the woman about this and expresses conce...

Why is apple juice the preferred drink for women?

Because OJ will kill you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 4 year old nephew is learning about manners and also learning Spanish. He said “Can you por favor me some juice?”

He followed up with: “I don’t have to say PLEASE because I already DID.” Smart ass.

I wonder

Do oranges want to be juice or they pressured into it?

If fruit juice could be a drug

It would be much easier to find a punch-line

Why wasn't the food lion bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?

Because baggers cant be juicers.

my six year old told me this joke he made

Why doesn’t the pig want to go to the fresh juice shop?

Cause he doesn’t want to get squeezed!

Three men are walking in the desert.

Three men are walking in the desert, all dehydrated.

They approach a slide with an empty paddling pool beneath it with a wizard standing nearby.

Wizard: This slide is magical. When you slide down it, you can say a drink of your choosing and the paddling pool will fill up with that drin...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

Why did the customer drink the apple juice?

Although she had ordered orange juice, she noticed that the restaurant was busy, and wasn't Karen about it.

Do you think oranges become juice willingly

Or are they getting pressured into it?

One part vodka, one part vermouth, add olives and olive juice then drink alone

Quarantini

A man walks into a juice bar and orders a smoothie. The Mexican behind the counter says "would you like to add any milk protein?"

The man responds, "No whey Jose."

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.

She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?

Absent-tea parent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Hitler like his juice?

Concentrated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family had a kid that never spoke

They took him to see several doctors, but none was able to help. Eventually, the parents gave up. But then one day, as they were having a breakfast together, the kid suddenly said:
"There's no juice in my glass."
The parents were beyond shocked.
"Sweetheart, you can speak?"
"I can."
"...

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How much juice could a Beetlejuice juice if a Beetlejuice could juice beetles?

A: A Beetlejuice would j... ohhh shit

I drove by a truck carrying canned orange juice and almost got into an accident.

I should have concentrated on the road.

The reason orange juice doesn't slide well on hard wood floors is

Because of pulp friction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donkey Woman

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say'...

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to confession (NSFW)

The man sits down and hears a voice:

Priest: "Tell me my child why are you here?"

Man: "I've done some terrible things and I'd like to ask for forgiveness."

Priest: "Go on my child."

Man: "I have taken the Lord's name in vain on multiple occasions, I stole money from my s...

At a party, people start lining up for some juice.

The line gets so long that it is impossible to see where the line ends anymore.
Eventually, someone asks, “Where’s the punch line?”
Someone replies, “There is no punch line. This is the Juice line.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice.

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?

Pulp fiction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

Today I tried nicotine free juice in my vape

0mg

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man in hospital

A nurse goes into an older man's hospital room and asks the man, "What would you like for breakfast today?" The older man sits up and begins to describing what meal he would like to have brought out to him...

"I would like a glass of orange juice but instead of using a clean cup, I would like...

What kind of juice can get away with murder?

OJ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Hitler's favorite kind of juice?

Concentrated.

What do you call a juice box’s daughter who’s transitioned to a male?

CapriSon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Four-year-old boy and his dad sit at the kitchen table.

It's Sunday morning and mom just made breakfast. On the table is french toast covered in butter and doused with their favorite maple syrup. There are four slices of bacon on each plate and an overwhelming amount of scrambled eggs. A tall glass of orange juice demands their attention. The boy and his...

A friend asked me why some people don't like juice. I tell him it's probably because they're thinking of that cheap, acidic variety that's been destroyed by the concentration process

Apparently this opinion can get you banned from the local kosher supermarket

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Prune Juice and OJ?

Prune Juice will give you the shits..... OJ will kill you and your boyfriend.

A man walks into a bar.

Sitting down next to a second man, he orders an eye-watering combination of milk curdled with lemon juice mixed with their cheapest whiskey and run.

The second man is taken aback and says that's what he is drinking too!

"You must be a serial killer to like that kind of drink" the first...

Michael Jackson robbed a Boost Juice before he died..

He was a smoothie criminal.

What do you call a juice without ice?

Ju

Add pressurised gas to orange juice you get orangeade. Add pressurised gas to cherry juice you get cherryade. Add pressurised gas to a man named Declan.

You get a decade. Though I'm hoping to be out on parole after 5 for good behaviour.

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

Banana juice

My Slovak girlfriend told me this today. I think it's an old one where she come from:

A farmer is riding his horse and cart through his village while carrying a large metal flask. A policeman sees this and stops him. "What's in the flask?" he asks suspiciously. "Is it alcohol? You know it's f...

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' ......

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then s...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.