UPJOKE
fruitgrapefruitlemonlemonadeliquidtomato juiceorange juicelemon juiceciderpineappletomatobeverageyogurtmilkdrink

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

The next peron that asks me for pineaaple juice, cranberry juice, apple juice and orange juice in the same glass

Is going to get a punch.

I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......

I just couldn’t concentrate.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a vodka and orange juice...

The bartender says, Sure thing, turns around and mixes his drink, and sets a human skull shaped into a mug in front of him.

The man says, WTF! I just wanted vodka and orange juice!

The bartender says, Yeah, that's a Philips head screwdriver.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

What does orange juice and my dad have in common?

They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.

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They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

What’s the difference between juice and cider?

A date can’t end with you in juice.

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

A guy walks into a juice bar, looks around confused, and walks back out.

There was no punch line.

Yo mama so dumb

that she spent 5 hours staring at a glass of orange juice because it said ‘concentrate’ on the package.

“Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

I accidentally splashed pickle juice in my eyes

Now I'm brined.

What makes a juice joke so funny?

The punchline

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

My standards for women are the same as my standards for juice.

Five and Alive.

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Q: How much juice could a Beetlejuice juice if a Beetlejuice could juice beetles?

A: A Beetlejuice would j... ohhh shit

Do you think oranges become juice willingly

Or are they getting pressured into it?

Juice world is dead.

Guess he is juice box now.

I'm trying to sell some batteries with 25% of juice in them.

Very low charge.

What Star Wars charactor likes orange juice the most?

Emperor Pulpatine

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What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider.

The other day, I ran out of apple juice

But I had a big box full of apples at home, so I thought I would try to make some myself.

I stared at that box for over an hour and nothing happened. Then I looked at the empty juice bottle again, and on the label it said "not from concentrate."

Boy did I feel foolish

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

So I’m standing here waiting for fruit juice when my buddy asks where we are.

I told him we’re in the punchline.

I have found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice.

My Dr. explained that it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

A kid wanted some juice at the local carnival

But when he looked up he realized he was in the punchline

Banana juice

My Slovak girlfriend told me this today. I think it's an old one where she come from:

A farmer is riding his horse and cart through his village while carrying a large metal flask. A policeman sees this and stops him. "What's in the flask?" he asks suspiciously. "Is it alcohol? You know it's f...

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and s...

What do you get when you simmer a clown in its own juices?

Laughing Stock

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What was Hitler's favorite kind of juice?

Concentrated.

British man: If you like vodka and tomato juice so much...

then why don’t you bloody mary it!

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A group of horses walks into a juice bar...

"What'll it be for ya?"

The first horse replies "wheat grass"

The barista says "that's not on the menu"

The second says "wheat grass, it's on the board"

The barista: of course you eat grass, you're horses. But I'm telling you we don't serve grass."

Sensing some ...

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water....

Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

I tried to take up Motorsport, but had to prove my car could run on meat juices

It was for a Stock Car race.

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The orange juice complained to his therapist that no one wanted to drink him because he had too much pulp.

He was so depressed that he wanted to throw himself from the highest refrigerated shelf.

“Try to restrain yourself,” said the therapist.

My brother spilled apple juice on my laptop

It was a cider attack

Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.

Cashier: “You must be single, right?”

Me: “Yes! How did you know?”

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink

it gave me a religious movement

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka...

It’s Vodka with Orange Juice

(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

Why did the customer drink the apple juice?

Although she had ordered orange juice, she noticed that the restaurant was busy, and wasn't Karen about it.

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice.

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

What type of orange juice do people with ADHD have trouble drinking?

Concentrate!

Little Jimmy said to his big brother: "Look at this! On my juice box! It says it's made with 100% pure concrete!"

"No no no, Jimmy. Concentrate!"

"I am concentrating!"

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.

The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”

And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”

Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...

Yesterday I saw a marine mammal swim along the coast holding a glass of orange juice in it's flippers.

Turned out to be a Vitamin C-lion

What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?

Pulp fiction.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

The average hotdog machine will have 547,500 wieners in it and catch 4,277 gallons of juice in its trap during its lifetime.

Just like your mother.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

What kind of juice can get away with murder?

OJ

The Juices of my Girlfriend

One day a friend of mine came over and opened our fridge. Surprised by the amount of different juices that were in the fridge, he asked: "What about all those bottles with weird names on it?"
Me replying: "Well, you see, my girlfriend collects all kinds of juices with bizarre properties and then ...

Today I tried nicotine free juice in my vape

0mg

Why wasn't the food lion bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?

Because baggers cant be juicers.

Keeping fruit juice in the freezer

It's impopsicle!

What do you call a juice without ice?

Ju

Michael Jackson robbed a Boost Juice before he died..

He was a smoothie criminal.

The reason orange juice doesn't slide well on hard wood floors is

Because of pulp friction.

One part vodka, one part vermouth, add olives and olive juice then drink alone

Quarantini

Add pressurised gas to orange juice you get orangeade. Add pressurised gas to cherry juice you get cherryade. Add pressurised gas to a man named Declan.

You get a decade. Though I'm hoping to be out on parole after 5 for good behaviour.

Why does Meghan Trainor like to pour the meat juices over her roast during cooking?

She’s all about that baste.

What's Queen Jocasta's favorite juice-based beverage?

Sonny D

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One time I was at a party and noticed a large group of people patiently waiting their turn to fill their cups with some sort of fruit juice cocktail. Gesturing towards the gathering, I asked one of them "What is this?"

"This is the punch line"

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What’s the difference between Prune Juice and OJ?

Prune Juice will give you the shits..... OJ will kill you and your boyfriend.

A young man gets a job at the local grocery store.

His job is to bag the customers' groceries at checkout. It's mindless work, but he does not complain and performs his job well.


After working in the store for a couple of months, the store's produce section gets a juicing machine. Customers bring their selections of fruits and vegetables ...

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.

She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

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What do Japanese monsters drink for vitamin C?

Kai-Juice!


(My mom came up with that one.)

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