UPJOKE
cheeseyogurtcoconut milkcolostrumdairy productpowdered milkcondensed milklactosecreamdairymammary glandkefirrefrigeratorcowmammal

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What type of bees produce milk?

Boobees.

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

What do you call a cow that's stopped producing milk?

An udder failure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

A farmer was milking his cow

At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.

Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.

"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...

“You want the milk pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits.”

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk...



The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blo...

I said to my nephew, "What is that you are drinking?" and he said, "Soy milk."

So I said, "Hola, Milk. Permitame presentarme. Yo me llamo Uncle Dave."

I don't drink cow milk, because I'm not a baby cow.

However I do drink almond milk, because I'm a little nutty!

Cereal first or milk first?

Neither. Bowl first.

What bees give you milk?

Boo-bees

A carton of milk and eggs

My wife said: "Please go to the store and buy a carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six."
I came back with 6 cartons of milk She said, "why in the hell did you buy six cartons of milk"

"They had eggs"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his
purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk*

Hey bro, you should charge your milk.

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on your product.

Why is almond milk called "milk"?

Because nobody could call it "nut juice" and keep a straight face.

How do you properly milk a flock of sheep?

Tell them the election was stolen, then ask for money.

What are milk farmers attracted to?

A nice dairy air.

How does a glass of milk introduce itself in Spanish?

Soy Milk

Warm Milk

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
bott...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny..

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mothe...

Did you know that Milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

I keep telling my dad we're out of milk

The idiot just won't stop coming back with more instead of taking the hint

Where does condensed milk come from?

Dwarf cows!

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.

He replies, “They had avocados.”

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.<...

How do you milk a sheep?

Sell headphones for $549.

God created the first Swiss and asked him:

"What do you want?"
"Mountains," replied the Swiss.

God created mountains for the Swiss and asked him, "What else do you want?"
"Cows," said the Swiss.

God created cows for the Swiss. The Swiss milked the cows, tasted the milk and asked, "Will you taste, dear God?" The Swiss fill...

My friend doesn't know how to milk a cow

he's udderly ignorant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the ba...

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Can't milk a cow for 21 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man suspected her wife to cheat on him while he was at work.

A man suspected his wife to cheat on him while he was at work. He told his best friend about it.

*- I could place a hidden camera in the bedroom, but I don't want to spend that much money...*
*- Well, there's an easy and cheap way to be sure: attach a spoon under your mattress, and place...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warm Milk and Viagra

A man goes to visit his dad in the nursing home for the first time. He feels kinda bad that his dad needed to go into such a place, so he waits for the nurses to leave the day room and leans over...

"Dad", he whispers, "how are you doing here? Do you really like it? Is everything okay?"
...

I am opening a bar that only serves milk stouts

I am calling it Brew Dairymore

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None. There is udder silence.

Man drank a glass of milk at the sperm bank

Man: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

Man: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: oh my god

Man: what

Sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

Milk that cow..

(Its just a Joke) Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time...

My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues...

Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives

The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"

Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What type of bee makes milk instead of honey?

Boobies!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

I like my girls how I like my milk

White, spoiled, and chunky

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is from a time when men delivered milk to people's houses, and when Old Lady Doris ordered 40 gallons of milk.

Mr. Mike the Milk Man paused at the end of her driveway and scratched his head. What would Old Lady Doris want 40 gallons of milk for? There must be some mistake. So instead of just delivering it to her porch, he knocked on the door.

Old Lady Doris answered in her housecoat.

"Hi Doris,...

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Men say 'why buy the whole cow just for some milk?" Women say...

"why buy the whole pig just for a little sausage?"

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $2500 for it.

(Please not this is the new 2023 edition of an older joke which used to be a bit sheeper)

What tea tastes like milk?

Tit-tea

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

Why did a blonde drink a carton of milk in the store?

It said “open here”.

I love to drink 2% milk every morning, but I've always wondered

what's the other 98%?

Old man drinks milk and gets gas.

He has a problem with his dairy air.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

How do you call the greatest milk ever produced?

Legendairy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what kind of bee produces milk?

a boobee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English?

Dairy practice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.

One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his lif...

What kind of milk is used to make Swiss cheese?

Hole milk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

Studies show that cows produce more milk...

when the farmer talks to them.

It's a case of "in one ear, and out the udder".

What is the difference between an emo kid and a gallon of milk?

The milk won't hang itself after you dump it.

How do you milk a sheep?

By inventing the next "covid cure" that's not a vaccine.

I don't think that milk comes from cows

My friends say I'm just in udder disbelief

Where do virtual cows store milk?

The random access mammary

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

What's the difference between Canadian milk and an incel?

One comes in bags, the other in socks.

I love jokes about dad leaving for milk or something and not coming back

I'd tell them to my son but he probably wouldn't recognize me after all these years.

What was the person who discovered milk thinking?

Mmmm, just like mom used to make

If you take goat milk onto the ISS...

... it becomes oat milk.

Doctor: you’re allergic to milk

Me: No whey?

Why does milk turn into yogurt when you take it to a museum

Because it turns into cultured milk

Milk cows have hooves at the end of their legs. Not feet, like you and me.

They lactose.

Did you know: the cows with the sweetest, most delectable milk have a unique defensive mechanism?

Horns!

How do you get milk and eggs if all you have is chickens?

You get the eggs from the first chicken. Then you get the milk from the udder chicken.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb...

What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?

It goes in one end and out the udder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I've been puting Viagra in my milk.

It doesn't help with the sex, but my Oreos don't go all soft anymore.

Did I ever tell you about the time I stole some milk that someone had left by their window?

It was ledge-end dairy

What do you call two beetle babies fighting over milk bottles?

A beetle bottle battle.

I tried to collect some wool and milk from my farm and the animals went crazy.

It was shear and udder panic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

A Dairy Farmer got into the healthy Oat Milk business.

He *barley* made ends meet.

When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of my ex wife.

(And hold them under until the bubbles stop. )

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

What ethnic group eats the most milk products per capita?

The Kurds

I asked my German host if I could get milk into my darjeeling

He replied "49".

I tried raising cows, but they didn’t produce any milk.

Needless to say, my venture was an udder failure.

That's Milk

Sometimes, I wonder what was going in the mind of the first person, who squeezed a pink, drooping part of a cow's stomach, saw a thick white liquid come out and declared,"I'm gonna drink this."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.