Milk is the fastest liquid

It's pasteurized before you've even seen it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of bees make milk?

BOOBEES!

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.

Now they have cameras everywhere

Milk, cheese and yogurt may be different products

But their origins are udderly similar.

My milk expires next thursday

That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.

A cow walks into a milk bar.

and no one uddered a word

Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier!

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk?

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

Sperm bank employee: OH MY GOD

Me: What?

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'

The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'

Pat and Mick were walking down the street when Pat fell into a big hole filled with milk.

Mick runs over to the hole and asks:

“Pat, is it pasteurised?”

To which Pat replies:

“Nah, it’s only up to my knees!”

So many dads nowadays say they're "going out to buy milk", and then never return.

Oh well, at least our moms still have the milkman: he doesn't just come and leave, he also brings the milk.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk

Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

No Breast Milk

She was beautiful, blonde and buxom - a perfect specimen of womanhood - with a small baby in her arms. The Doc was in his first day in private practice, eager to show he knew all about everything.


"What's seems to be the problem?", he asked in his best medical manner.


"It's the...

What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?

A milk dude

This milk doesn't smell like toopers...

But it says it's 2%

This guy came at me with a bottle of milk.

How dairy

What do you call someone who puts milk before cereal?

A cereal killer

So if a cow doesn't produce milk...

Is it considered a milk dud or a udder failure

New poll shows that the majority Bernie Sander's supporters like whole milk

But they hate 1%

My friend told me he can’t drink milk. I asked him if he is lactose intolerant. He said he is actually allergic to the milk protein.

I said “No whey!”

Me: this milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: thank you

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk

I asked if she wanted it pasteurized.

She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."

When I was of 6, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $10 and I would get 5 bags of potato chips, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pack of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now, too many damn security cameras!

My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about $3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.

Skim milk has never tasted so good.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man just threw some milk, cream and butter at me.

How dairy!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man at a sperm bank drinks a glass of milk...

The doctor walks in and says: "Oh no! What did you with that glass?"
The man says nervously: "I drank it, w-why do you ask?"
The doctor says: "That was MY glass of milk you asshole"

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say “nut juice” with a straight face.

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.

He replies, “They had avocados.”

What's a rich person's favorite kind of milk?

The 1%.

How do you turn milk into cheese?

Put it in solid dairy confinement.

Why do you never invite French milk to a party?

Its always Lait.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an overweight donkey and a sour looking cat.

He sits down, and asks for a 1 beer. He gets a bucket of water for the donkey, and milk for the cat. The cat looks at the milk and scowls in disgust. The man explains that the cat only drinks 2% milk and nothing else.
After drinking he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount ...

How much milk do cars drink?

A car-ton full

Soy milk is just ordinary milk

introducing itself in Spanish.

What do trains and expired milk have in common?

Chugga chugga chugga chugga CHEW CHEW

The hardest part of making skimmed milk

Is throwing the cows across a lake

It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days...

One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.

Did you hear about the price of milk going up due to Brexit?

It's because the cows are on stilts

Did you ever hear the tale of the hero who saved the world using a cup of milk?

It was legendairy.

I heard that milk helps babies grow but I don't think it's true

I've poured three cartons over mine and all it's done so far is cry

Milk The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Milk The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows...

Where do ghost babies get their milk from?

BoOoooOooObs

The milk cow (loooong and NSFW)

There’s this little farm in Ireland- dirt farm, really- but they’ve got the best milk cow in the world.

One day, the farmer comes out and sees his milk cow is dead. He doesn’t know what to do, so he hangs himself in the barn, which is sad.

His wife comes out and sees her husband dead,...

Where do Russian farmers get their milk from?

Moscow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

A man is leaving the sperm bank at which he just donated and chats with the receptionist...

Man: “Have a good day! And thanks again for that glass of milk earlier!”

Receptionist: “Wait wait wait... what milk?”

M: “The glass of milk that was sitting on your counter”

R: “Oh no... you drank the last of my milk”

Studies show cows produce more milk when the Farmer talks to them

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder

A guy keeps throwing milk and yogurt at my house.

How dairy!!!

What kind of milk do you use to make Swiss cheese?

Hole milk.

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible...

Why can't containers of milk walk?

Because they lack toes.

What do you call a galaxy that's allergic to milk?

Galactose intolerant.

Why doesn't Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee?

He prefers non-deery creamer.

What do you get if you milk a male goat?

A really really happy goat

What do you call it when a company that sells milk doesn't have have any cows in roles of power

Lactation without Representation

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What type of bee produces milk?

A boobie.

A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store

He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk"

He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"

Sometimes I just drink milk straight from the container

It tastes better and the cow seems to enjoy it

I asked my wife why there was an empty milk bottle in the fridge?

"In case someone wants a black coffee."

What do you call a Muslim expert on Milk?

A Milk Sheikh

Woman’s perfect breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Boy: Dad, Do We Have Any Soy Milk?

Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Padre.

what do you call it when you use milk to make protein drinks?

Milky-Whey.

How does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

With the finest ingredients.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man broke into my house last night, and he stole my cheese, milk, ice cream, yogurt, and butter.

How dairy.

Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?"

No, just leave it in the carton.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

I was working at a coffee shop, and a priest asked if I have any whole milk

I said "forgive me father, for I have skim"

If chocolate milk comes from brown cows then where does skim milk come from?

African cows

Those one percent-ers make me so mad.

Put some proper milk in your coffee, people!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the kind of bee that makes milk?

A boobee.

I accidentally tried to milk a bull.

It was udder confusion.

Two dairy farmers are walking through the creamery when suddenly one of them slips and falls in a large vat of milk...

...the other one yells angrily, "get out of there, it's pasteurized!"

And the farmer in the vat shouts back, "no it's not......It's only just past my waist!"

Three motorcycle riders walk into roadside restaurant...

A middle aged man sits inside and eats his dinner.

The first rider went to the man and burned out his cigarette on his plate.

The second rider spitted into his milk.

Finally, the third rider dropped his lunch on the floor and stepped on it.


Without saying a word, the ...

What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe?

Galactose

Why can't milk wear sandals?

Because they lactose!

Ever wonder why the cap on gallon of milk isn’t square?

Because the opening of the bottle is round.

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Fa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boob, vagina and asshole are having a debate on who is the greatest among all of them. Boob: I produce milk; Vagina: I produce babies;

why are you still reading? It is your turn to speak.

A man and a woman had a child together, but after two years the child had not yet said a word...

...After two years of waiting, the child suddenly says: "Grandpa, grandpa!" Ofcourse the parents are very happy that the child has finally said his first words, but the next day grandma calls and tells that grandfather has passed away.

After two weeks the child suddenly says: "Grandma, Grandm...

They stopped putting pictures of missing kids on milk cartons, and started posting them on r/jokes

They get much wider coverage. No one reposts more than r/jokes.

I tried making dessert, but I only had sour milk.

It was quite off pudding.

What does milk and people with foot fetishes have in common?

They both hate people who lactose.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like my women like I like my milkshake

Not at all. I’m lactose intolerant and gay

When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, “You probably will...”