This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman told me "You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.", Because I was being a little too rude...

I told her "You get more flies with shit than with honey, so go fuck yourself."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some longy things are talking.

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking.

Cucumber goes: "man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in the salad"

Pickle goes: "Shit, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in vinegar an onions for a month!"

Penis goes: "Well, when I get big, fat and ...

I was trapped inside a cucumber, then it fell into vinegar

Now I'm really in a pickle.

Poor Mr. Vinegar, he can’t catch a break.

Every time he turns around, he’s in a pickle!

A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp

First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Murphy’s law is about bad luck, Godwin’s law is about Hitler, and ColesLaw is...

Finely sliced cabbage, with a vinegar or mayonnaise based dressing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad!

The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices...

Which famous Arab invented potato chips?

Sultan Vinegar

What's the difference between salt and vinegar?

I wasn't charged with a vinegar last year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor... (NSFW)

...and I said "I had a bit of a fall in my kitchen, and as embarrassing as this is, I've got my cock & balls stuck in a jar of vinegar."

"Any pain?" said the doctor.

"A slight pickling sensation..."

Why does Ms. Piggy use honey and vinegar douche?

Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rough life

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are in a heated debate over who's life is more difficult.

The cucumber says "man, I've got it rough...when I get big, fat and juicy, they rip me off the vine, slice me up, put me in a salad and eat me!"

The pickle laughs and says "that's nothing. When I...

What’s your favorite preservative salt, vinegar, lemon?

Mine’s embalming fluid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

My girlfriend died

My girlfriend fell over a bottle of vinegar and passed away. The coroner report said she died due to an acid trip.

A spill

While doing a lab experiment I was listening to music by a band who's bassist was a known drug abuser. During his solo, I slipped on some spilled vinegar & lost my grip on a beaker full of sodium hydroxide.
Looks like while he was tripping on acid dropping the bass, I was tripping on acid dro...

This guy was sitting at a bar....

getting sloshed when in comes a fedora wearing hipster.

As luck would have it the hipster sits next to the drunk. The drunk looks at him and says:

"Sit somewhere else, ya douche-bag!"

The bartender slapped the bar in front of the drunk and said:

"That's not tolerated her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this happened

I was at this party awhile back with some "drinks" that I made for my throat, mixed apple vinegar with water, and so I went to the dancefloor with my homemade ailment, when a cute chick comes over and asks to have some,
"Aw, don't think you'll.." before I could finish she full reached for it, tak...

Time flies like an arrow

But fruit flies like vinegar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis at bar...

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women are like Wine

(I've submitted this one to another thread before, let's see how it goes here)

A man sits in his study, a book in his hand and a full glass of inky cabernet by his side. There's a sheepish knock at the door. "Come in," the man says without lifting his eyes from the page.

The door crea...

Big truck accident

A large truck was hauling water. Next thing I know, a truck hauling vinegar smashed into the water truck. It was very loud, all I could hear was a large *douche*!

My girlfriend said she wanted to experiment more in the bedroom...

I don't know why she got so mad when I put my baking soda and vinegar volcano next to the nightstand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A pickle, a cucumber and a penis are having a discussion...

The cucumber says "I have it bad, when I get big and strong I get cut up into little pieces and put in salads." The pickle says "I have it worse, I start out as a cucumber and when I get big and strong I'm put into a jar of vinegar for ages then cut up and put in sandwiches." The penis says "I have ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.