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Ingredients Jokes

A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he's strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he's swept o...

I found the best Chili has 239 ingredients

But no more, because that would be too farty

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

Ingredients for a “Honeymoon Salad”

Lettuce alone without dressing.

Things aren't automatically good just because they're made from natural ingredients

Just look at Ed Gein's lampshade.

Everyone thinks pound cake is called "pound cake" because of the ingredients

But it's actually named after the place it was invented, "Pound Town",

You know, where your mom lives.

My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients

I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

What state are the interior ingredients of a sandwich from?

Alabama, because they're in bread.

Found a hair in my McDonald’s burger, I was so surprised…

…I didn’t know they used natural ingredients

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients.

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant.

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.
The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.
The second day, the...

[first day as a bartender] Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry

Me: [staring at all the liquid ingredients] I don't know how to tell you this

What's it called when you fry up an egg with a bunch of different ingredients?

Omelette you figure it out

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Secret combination of ingredients for homemade Viagra discovered

Add 2 parts MiracleGro to 1 part Fix-A-Flat

What do designers of gum call new flavors from old ingredients?

ex-spearmints

I can't direct you the ingredients to the ultimate diet shake....

But I can show you the whey

I found an easy cookie recipe that said to put all the ingredients in one bowl and beat it.

I'm not sure what good it did though, when I came back nothing had changed.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I've been considering opening a soup restaurant. I'd serve the finest soups from around the world using only the most illegally-sourced ingredients. I'll call it...

Bisquey Business

My wife loves making pickles

She has asked me to grow some of the ingredients for her recipe in the garden to save money, but they haven't been producing very well.

It's been a real up dill battle.

Sugar... Spice... and Everything Nice

These were the ingredients God chose to create the perfect dry rub for a rib.

I bought a package with pre-measured ingredients to make Vietnamese soup, but the instructions were so hard to follow I gave up.

No surprise, I guess--it was called PhoKit.

I'm on a new diet where I can only eat and drink things where I know what the ingredients mean.

I can now tell you every ingredients use in Cheetos, how it's obtained, and the molecular structure.

A guy goes into a restaurant for lunch.

After careful consideration, he decides he will have a bowl of the day's soup. The waiter praises him for his decision.

"Ah, excellent choice. The chef makes the soup fresh each day from only the freshest, locally-sourced ingredients. It is completely organic, and there are no additives or pr...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

Husband eats dog food

A married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup and everything is good. In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examination with the doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.

"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was making thier foo...

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery.

Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.

A mathematician, physicist and chemist go on vacation together.

They take separate rooms at the hotel.

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...

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What did Karl Marx say about the working conditions of bakers in London?

Englishmen, with their good command of the Bible, knew well enough that man, unless by elective grace a capitalist, or a landlord, or the holder of an easy job, is destined to eat his bread in the sweat of his brow, but they did not know that he had to eat daily in his bread a certain quantity of hu...

I love potato leek soup

So I'm gathering my ingredients and as I approach the leafy items in produce there are two blue hairs gabbing right in front of the leeks.

I pause politely while wide balling the ladies with gaping eyes.

"Uh, pardon me ladies but I must take a leek."

I went to a subway with my wife the other day

I ordered a clubhouse sandwich, and watched as the guy behind the counter added in all the ingredients. When he got to the end, he put a little stick through the sandwich to keep it together. Then, to my surprise, he got another stick and stuck it in as well! He kept going for several minutes, until...

[Long] I was working the register of a pharmacy when a woman came up to me asking for breath mints.

I pointed her to the candy aisle and told her they were about halfway down on the left.

She said that she'd been down there already, and that all of the mints had loads of sugar in them, and if she them they'd make her hyper and overly excited.

I had never heard of anyone getting too e...

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A young woman goes to the doctor.

The general doctor sits her down and asks her what's wrong.

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a fruitcake!"

The doctor wasn't sure how to respond.

"I see. What's gotten into you?"

"Raisins, butter, flour... All the usual ingredients!"

2 test tubes

‘We have two test tubes here,’ said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. ‘They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates th...

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

I was very angry when my waiter served me bowl of dust. But then he pointed out, it's written right there on the menu...

"We only use the finest ingredients"

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"


CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."


WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "Sir,...

How the fight started

For our 3rd Anniversary, GF wanted me to bring her to a restaurant where they prepare the food in front of you using the freshest ingredients based on your selection.


I brought her to the new Subway in town and that’s how the fight started.

To make a Real sponge cake

Borrow all the ingredients.........

Heard of the Fibonacci soup?

Apparently , the ingredients are :
Yesterday's soup and day before yesterday's soup.
Price : $1.61

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One day a Redditor decided to turn his life around...

The Redditor decided to buy a cookbook that came with the ingredients for a cake. He preheated the oven. He added in the butter and sugar; things were going well. The Redditor read out the instructions: ‘Add vanilla and eggs’. He added in the vanilla and cracked open an egg... nothing came out. He g...

A man walks into a tiny hardware store

looking for something to rid of a wasp problem. After 10 mins of walking around the store all he can find is ant spray. So he goes up to the counter and asks the clerk, “Is this any good for wasps?” Without a word, the clerk takes the can from his hands, reads the back for ingredients. “No.“ he rep...

Drink competition (very long)

I had a friend who loved to mix drinks and make new ones. One day he made a huge discovery. This new drink was an instant hit. Everyone would ask him for the recipe, but he refused to give it to anyone. He called it his Special Punch.

This went on for years, with plenty of people trying to mi...

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

An inspiring true story about my friend's grandmother.

I'd like to tell you a little-known, but inspiring and true story that involves my friend Jake's grandmother.

Her name was Erica. She lived a typical grandmother life, knitting, spoiling her grandchildren and puttering around.

But despite having lived a full life before retiring, she w...

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

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Sugar and sperm (true story)

During a Science class...

Teacher: Human sperm has sugar as one of his main ingredients.

Female student: Teacher, if it has sugar why it's not sweet?

Teacher: because the area that detects sweetness is the tongue, not the throat.

King of the Crouton

Bobby Hill asks his father, Hank:

"What are the primary ingredients in a Caesar salad?"

Hank Hill responds:

"Dang it Bobby, that's an easy one.
Romaine and romaine accessories"

Jesus likes to drink wine.

As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The r...

DNA is like the menu at Taco Bell

Different combinations of the same four ingredients to achieve endless results.

Happiness recipe.

I've found the recipe for happiness. Can someone just send me some money so that I can buy the ingredients?

A man goes to a restaurant

He orders the soup.

The waiter brings him the soup.

After a few min he flagges the waiter down.

"Is there something wrong sir?"

"I can't eat this soup"

"let me get the manager"

The manager comes over

"What is wrong sir?"

"I can't eat this soup"...

Tide is fully embracing their new consumers with their new Tide Pod containers...

They just changed their “active ingredients” to “nutrition facts”.

A man approached me and told me he was a chef

He asked if I had spices among other ingredients to make a nice dish so I obliged. He began mixing some of the said spices and I allowed it, thinking it was to make mixed spice, then he got one of them and poured it on the floor.

It was then I realized he was wasting my thyme.

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