UPJOKE
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A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he's strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he's swept o...

Everyone thinks pound cake is called "pound cake" because of the ingredients

But it's actually named after the place it was invented, "Pound Town",

You know, where your mom lives.

A mathematician, physicist and chemist go on vacation together.

They take separate rooms at the hotel.

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients

I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.

I've been considering opening a soup restaurant. I'd serve the finest soups from around the world using only the most illegally-sourced ingredients. I'll call it...

Bisquey Business

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses really good ingredients, what did you think asshole?

What's it called when you fry up an egg with a bunch of different ingredients?

Omelette you figure it out

I found an easy cookie recipe that said to put all the ingredients in one bowl and beat it.

I'm not sure what good it did though, when I came back nothing had changed.

What state are the interior ingredients of a sandwich from?

Alabama, because they're in bread.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What do designers of gum call new flavors from old ingredients?

ex-spearmints

I bought a package with pre-measured ingredients to make Vietnamese soup, but the instructions were so hard to follow I gave up.

No surprise, I guess--it was called PhoKit.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

I'm on a new diet where I can only eat and drink things where I know what the ingredients mean.

I can now tell you every ingredients use in Cheetos, how it's obtained, and the molecular structure.

I love potato leek soup

So I'm gathering my ingredients and as I approach the leafy items in produce there are two blue hairs gabbing right in front of the leeks.

I pause politely while wide balling the ladies with gaping eyes.

"Uh, pardon me ladies but I must take a leek."

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Secret combination of ingredients for homemade Viagra discovered

Add 2 parts MiracleGro to 1 part Fix-A-Flat

I can't direct you the ingredients to the ultimate diet shake....

But I can show you the whey

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

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A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he a...

Drink competition (very long)

I had a friend who loved to mix drinks and make new ones. One day he made a huge discovery. This new drink was an instant hit. Everyone would ask him for the recipe, but he refused to give it to anyone. He called it his Special Punch.

This went on for years, with plenty of people trying to mi...

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

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A young woman goes to the doctor.

The general doctor sits her down and asks her what's wrong.

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a fruitcake!"

The doctor wasn't sure how to respond.

"I see. What's gotten into you?"

"Raisins, butter, flour... All the usual ingredients!"

[Long] I was working the register of a pharmacy when a woman came up to me asking for breath mints.

I pointed her to the candy aisle and told her they were about halfway down on the left.

She said that she'd been down there already, and that all of the mints had loads of sugar in them, and if she them they'd make her hyper and overly excited.

I had never heard of anyone getting too e...

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery.

Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.

Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised....

... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients.

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

How the fight started

For our 3rd Anniversary, GF wanted me to bring her to a restaurant where they prepare the food in front of you using the freshest ingredients based on your selection.


I brought her to the new Subway in town and that’s how the fight started.

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My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

---

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

A man walks into a tiny hardware store

looking for something to rid of a wasp problem. After 10 mins of walking around the store all he can find is ant spray. So he goes up to the counter and asks the clerk, “Is this any good for wasps?” Without a word, the clerk takes the can from his hands, reads the back for ingredients. “No.“ he rep...

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A man is wandering around deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...

The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.

"What can I get you?" he asks.

"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.

"We're all out of beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves!"

"What'...

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

A man goes to a restaurant

He orders the soup.

The waiter brings him the soup.

After a few min he flagges the waiter down.

"Is there something wrong sir?"

"I can't eat this soup"

"let me get the manager"

The manager comes over

"What is wrong sir?"

"I can't eat this soup"...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

An aging hotel inspector was performing his final inspection on a luxury hotel before his retirement.

He had arrived at the joint the day before, and had already slept in a room to analyze how clean and comfortable they were. When he had woken up, he went into the bathroom to check its functionality and cleanliness, and continued on to the main dining hall after.

Upon arrival, he saw they we...

I was very angry when my waiter served me bowl of dust. But then he pointed out, it's written right there on the menu...

"We only use the finest ingredients"

Jesus likes to drink wine.

As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The r...

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Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"


CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."


WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "Sir,...

Elephant Stew

## Ingredients

* 1 Elephant
* Brown gravy, and lots of it
* Salt and pepper to taste
* 2 Rabbits (optional)

## Directions

Cut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.

This should take about 2 months.



Add enough brown gravy to cover,

cook over...

To make a Real sponge cake

Borrow all the ingredients.........

Heard of the Fibonacci soup?

Apparently , the ingredients are :
Yesterday's soup and day before yesterday's soup.
Price : $1.61

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Sugar and sperm (true story)

During a Science class...

Teacher: Human sperm has sugar as one of his main ingredients.

Female student: Teacher, if it has sugar why it's not sweet?

Teacher: because the area that detects sweetness is the tongue, not the throat.

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[NSFW] Baking cakes

A teenage boy wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but tells his parents that she's coming over to help him bake cakes while they're at work.

After doing the deed and spending some time with her, he walks her home before returning to his own house, his younger brother having arrived home i...

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

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Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she ...

King of the Crouton

Bobby Hill asks his father, Hank:

"What are the primary ingredients in a Caesar salad?"

Hank Hill responds:

"Dang it Bobby, that's an easy one.
Romaine and romaine accessories"

[first day as a bartender]

**Customer:** I'll have a martini, *dry.*

**Me [staring at all the liquid ingredients]:**
I don't know how to tell you this.

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

An inspiring true story about my friend's grandmother.

I'd like to tell you a little-known, but inspiring and true story that involves my friend Jake's grandmother.

Her name was Erica. She lived a typical grandmother life, knitting, spoiling her grandchildren and puttering around.

But despite having lived a full life before retiring, she w...

A new bar owner

A younger guy decides to open a bar. He's not confident, being a younger guy with little experience.

One of the first days his place is open, an older gentleman enters and takes a seat at the bar.

The young owner and the older gentleman start talking, and after a while the older man ...

Ketchup telegram

During the early 1900s the Heinz ketchup company was struggling to meet the increased demand for their product. They had invested heavily in factories and infrastructure but nothing seemed to increase their output of ketchup.

The CEO decides to hire an investigator from Germany who is well kn...

I found a recipe for a fruit curry that I wanted to try out.

I made a list of all the ingredients that I needed and headed to the shop. I picked up some rice, some mango chutney, some curry powder and some raisins.

Upon returning I checked my list again to make sure that I had gotten everything that I needed. To my dismay, the recipe had called for sul...

A man approached me and told me he was a chef

He asked if I had spices among other ingredients to make a nice dish so I obliged. He began mixing some of the said spices and I allowed it, thinking it was to make mixed spice, then he got one of them and poured it on the floor.

It was then I realized he was wasting my thyme.

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One day a Redditor decided to turn his life around...

The Redditor decided to buy a cookbook that came with the ingredients for a cake. He preheated the oven. He added in the butter and sugar; things were going well. The Redditor read out the instructions: ‘Add vanilla and eggs’. He added in the vanilla and cracked open an egg... nothing came out. He g...

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The princess wouldn't let prince make love to her

Ages ago there was a kingdom where a royal wedding took place.

Prince and a princess had a feast and then went to their chambers to consume their marriage, but there was a problem - the princess wouldn't let prince make love to her.

The prince waited and tried every day for next couple...

Me and my girlfriend had a party to go to last night..

My girlfriend and I had a party to go to last night, so we thought we'd nip to the shops to get some food to cook up and line our stomachs with.

So we got to the supermarket, collected all of our ingredients and what not, but then when we approached the checkouts there was a massive line, an...

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