Can't Swim Jokes

A bus full of children.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,... read more

Sin-king

"It's alright, mate," I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway."

They defend the ship with way more enthusiasm.

Octopus 2: "Use ink if you can't float"

"Yes," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

Cuatro cincos.

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver... read more

Dan accidentally drops his sunglasses in the water and decides to go in after them. After awhile, he fails to come up and Bob & Nora both remember Dan can't swim. Bob goes in after him and after a bit, gets the body up into the boat.

After starting mouth-to-mouth. Bob says "I don't reca... read more

"OBAMA CAN'T SWIM"

"Trump can't swim"

"That's OK" says Paddy. "I can't swim".

In a small rowboat out on the lake. A large fish pulls on the line, and the boat flips over. The general starts to swim to shore, but the admiral starts screaming "help, help, help!" and flailing in the water. The general goes over to him, grabs hold, and swims him back to dry land.

Once ther... read more

When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone... read more

He says he can run really fast and rap to any beat, but he can't swim or jump.

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of... read more

But apparently the whole world needs to know about how this weirdo in the river can't swim.

A farmer walks into a bar with a pig with a wooden leg. Bartender says "We don't allow pigs in here". Farmer says "This is no ordinary pig this is a special pig". Bartender asks, "What's so special about it?" Farmer replies, "I was out fishing in my pond, fell out of my boat, I can't swim. Pig broke... read more

...working up the nerve to throw himself into the water and end it all. A beat cop walking by sees him and lets out a loud tweet on his whistle.

"Hey buddy, what'dya think you're doing?"

"I've had it! I'm done with this life! I'm going to drown myself, here and now!"

"Now hold o... read more

A blonde woman is driving down a road when she sees another blonde in the middle of a field and she appears to be swimming. Angry at the site, the blonde driver slams on the brakes, hops out of the car and screams "YOU KNOW, IT IS BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD NAME!!" The blonde i... read more

To his amazement, the dog runs onto the lake, walks across the water, and brings back the stick.

Johnny can't believe his eyes, so he throws the stick onto the lake again, and once more the dog walks on the water and fetches the stick.

A man comes walking by, and wanting to show off hi... read more

The Popes hat blows off into the ocean so the Swiss guard and the secret service jump is trying to recover it but the current kept them away. So Trump says "I got it", and jumps overboard and walks across the water retrieves the hat and brings it back to the Pope.

CNN's headline the next day ... read more

...are stranded on a deserted island. Before long they run out of all their supplies and are left in a hopeless and desperate situation. They determine that one of them will try and swim for the next closest inhabited island 100 miles away.

The redhead volunteers to go, but 40 miles into her... read more

They were both clinging to a life preserver. One guy, knowing the other can't swim, says, " I'm going to try to swim to shore to get some help. Can you float alone?"

The second Jewish banker says, "how could you talk business at a time like this?"

Friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.


The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could... read more

This blond woman was tired of all these "stupid blond jokes." So she decided to do something about it. She went to a salon and dyed her hair black. On the drive home, feeling very pleased about not being blond anymore, she spots this stupid blond on her front yard rowing a boat and not going anywher... read more

Long time ago there was a Koala. Sitting on top of his tree where he's always chilling. But today it's different. He is bored as f*ck. So out of boredom he rolled a blunt,

After smoking for like 5 minutes, a lizzard shows up passing by the tree. "Wait, I know that smell. Hey! Watcha doing?" h... read more

A Fourth-grade teacher was giving a lesson and logic in class one day.

"Here's the situation" she said." A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in,and begin splashing around and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, and knowing... read more

One day, A lizard was walking down a path in the woods when he smelled something very odd. He did his best to sniff out where the source of the smell was coming from, and after a long travel he found it.

The lizard looks up into a tree, only to see a monkey smoking. Being a curious lizard, he... read more

So he decides to go to the doctor to see what the problem is. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man
"I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is you're allergic to peas, but the good news is it is curable, and with monthly treatment your allergy should be gone in about 7 years."
"Grea... read more

And saw another blonde in a rowboat paddling away at the dirt and stirring up a ton of dust.
The blonde walking called out, "Hey! What are you doing?!"
The other blonde replied, "I'm trying to get over to the barn! Could you help me?"
The blonde walking retorted, "Well, I would but I can't... read more

His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As ... read more

she glanced out the window and noticed a car , towing a small rowboat parking beside an empty field. She thought nothing of it and continued to work.

She looked out again towards the field and seen a blonde woman getting out of the car, removing the boat and dragging it into the field. "What ... read more

This farmer buys a dog to go duck hunting with. The first day out he shoots a duck and it falls in the lake. To his amazement the dog walks on the water over to the duck, picks it up and brings it back to the farmer.

To test his disbelief he shoots another one. Once again the dog walks over a... read more

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were
about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the
three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight

The... read more