Do you know why bicycle can't stand by itself?

Because it is two tired

I can't stand Russian dolls.

They’re so full of themselves.

I can't stand it when my Mexican friend is late

I wait for no Juan.

If there's one thing I can't stand

it's a two-legged stool.

My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped...

What do you call a man that can't stand?

Neal

When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

I can't stand bass players

They're always starting everything.

I can't stand abortions

I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.

I can't stand to see both soles of my feet.

I just can't.

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

I can't stand cheese slices...

...but I respect the Kraft

So drunk he can't stand up

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands u...

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I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"...

Fucking firemen.

You know what's the one thing I can't stand.

So is having to re-read a sentence because you read it in the wrong tone.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I can't stand the people I work with. They're all narcissistic and have superiority complexes.

I mean, I know I'm better than all of those assholes.

A tall friend told me he can't stand sitting on long plane flights.

I told him most people can't stand sitting.

What's a phrase you can't stand to hear?

"Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."

I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

Don't even try and tell me that joke was offensive. Atleast it wasn't a blind joke. I can't see how those are funny.

I can't stand German sausage meat.

It's the wurst.

I can't stand to see my wife in her workout clothes in the gym, it's embarrassing.

I have no way to hide my erection.

I can't stand working on roofs

Apparently I have truss issues

I can't stand it when homeless people shake their little cups at me

Yeah, I get it. You have more money than me, do you really have to rub it in?

The 5 things I can't stand in this world.

5.Racism
4.The Indians
2.Lists
3.Inconsistencies
1.Hypocrisy

What is the medical condition where your lizard can't stand up?

Ereptile dysfunction

I can't stand it when people ask me where I see myself in a year or now.

It's not like I have 2020 vision.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

My wife told me she can only have sex with me in the dark because she can't stand the sight of me.

Since then I haven't been paying our electric bill.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I can't stand all this homo and hetero talk lately

It's all Greek to me

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I can't stand Freud...

him and his motherfucking complex.

I can't stand it when my friend plays Skyrim.

Personally I play a lawful good approach, trying to stay out of trouble, but when I invite Jacob Yu over he goes full-on thief! Always breaking into homes, stealing things, getting fined and thrown in jail. I ask him on occasion if he'd prefer a different playstyle, but he simply prefers this one. S...

I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore...

Especially since the restraining order.

A patient tell the doctor "I can't stand the pain"...

The doctor replies, "I know I amputated your legs."

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I can't stand when guys complain about their girlfriends giving shitty hand jobs

I see where they're coming from, but something about it just rubs me the wrong way

Ever since my wife had her toes amputated I can't stand to be around her.

I guess I'm *lack toes* intolerant.

Three guys are talking about things they can't stand...

The first guy is a police officer and says "One thing i can't stand is people who speed."

The second guy is a fireman and says "One thing i can't stand is when people play with matches."

The third guy is in a wheelchair and says "One thing i can't stand is up."

I can't stand those eight-legged freaks.

Or as they're more commonly known, "quadruplets".

a woman was heard yelling on the sidewalk "GIVE IT TO ME, I'M WET! GIVE IT TO ME NOW, I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE" a Mans voice was heard to say!

You are not getting my umbrella!

I can't stand holocaust jokes, they hit too close to home. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.

He fell off one of the watchtowers

I can't stand those 'happy ending' massage parlors

Those places just rub me the wrong way

Hi, I'm black and I really can't stand it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. They say old habits die hard, but some habits never die..

Like the white men leaving us hanging

I can't stand Italians and their slanty eyes...

...no, wait, *italics*.

A janitor at my work asked me to come over and smoke weed with her!!

I told her No. I can't stand high maintenance women.

An elderly couple gets divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any lo...

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She loves going commando

There was once a woman who never wore panties. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying the view.

After trying on her fifth pair of shoes, the salesman can't stand it anymore and said "Lady, that is a beautiful si...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

Downstairs

It's Harold's first day in the carpool. The boys honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps...

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

The Joy of Sects

A man crossing a bridge sees a suicidal chap about to take a big dive, Thinking he could be the good Samaritan, he stops and calls to the jumper.

GS: "Hey Buddy, Lets talk, Don't do anything rash, life is good, lets find something to talk about, Say tell me friend, are you religious?"

...

Why do black widow spiders kill their partners after they mate?

They can't stand to listen to the snoring.

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

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Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

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