Can't Sleep Jokes - 44 Hilarious Can't Sleep Jokes

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

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Elder man can't sleep

An elder at the pharmacist:

"Doctor, I haven't been able to sleep at night for 2 days! Can you give me something?"

The pharmacist:

"Try these sleeping pill suppositories, they are very effective!"

The day after:

"Doctor, do you have anything less powerful?

T...

I couldn't figure out why I can't sleep all night...

And then it dawned on me.

Dad, I can't sleep.

dad: "Why not?"

kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!"

kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says “go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins”.

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks ...

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking

I can't sleep on suspension.

Trust me - I've tried that once and almost fell out of the hammock.

What does Home Depot take when it can't sleep?

Bin of Drills

She can't sleep (really long)

credit: Bill Moen, an 80's San Francisco Bay Area radio personality. Stuck with me for decades, I can still hear his voice telling it:

A couple are in bed and in the middle of the night she wakes up and gets to thinking and now can't sleep. Her husband turns over and she figures he's awake to...

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Can't sleep at all...

One morning a doctor received the most laggard looking patient he had ever seen. "I can't sleep", said the patient. "The dogs in the street outside my window bark all night long -- and its driving me mad!"

"There now", said the doctor soothingly. "Try using these new sleeping pills."

A...

Did you know alcohol helps if you can't sleep?

It doesn't help you sleep, but it makes the lying awake much better!

What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

He finishes her drink

A man who can't sleep goes to his doctor.

A man goes to his doctor and says "doc, I can't sleep. I've tried everything. Sleeping pills, counting sheep, nothing works." the doctor, who's an elderly Irish man says "well I'll tell you what works for me, son." he then sings "one hundred bottles of beer on the wall" and suggests the man do the s...

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?

A trunkquilizer.

Some people can't sleep when they drink coffee. But I'm quite the opposite...

I can't drink coffee when I sleep.

My wife keeps telling me she can't sleep

And asked me to stop typing or She will smash my face on the keybodjeysdhvcjkdjwj827fhejwi46wixjj

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

I can't sleep in my bed anymore, my mind races thinking of all the stupid stuff I've done in the past.

Stupid memory foam...

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A Jew, a Muslim, and a lawyer are driving on a rural road.

The car breaks down, leaving them stranded with no signal, so they leave the car and find a farmhouse.
They say to the man who answers the door, "Our car won't work and we need shelter for the night. Can you provide it?"
The farmer replies, "Of course. But there's only enough room in the house...

A man writes a letter to the IRS . . .

. . . saying "I am unable to sleep because of the guilt I feel for cheating on my taxes. I have underreported my income and am enclosing a check for $1500. If I still can't sleep I will send the rest".

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,...

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A farmer hears a knock on his door one night...

and he is surprised to see a Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness together on his doorstep. The farmer greets them and is wondering why such an unlikely trio of people are walking together at this time of night.

"Our cars got caught in the snow in the highway, and we can't get a signal out ...

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

*A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.*

Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

Dad: why did you say that?

Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

*The next day, grandpa drops ...

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

A senator is taking a stroll on the Senate's hallways...

... and he stops by another senator that was looking at his phone:

"You can't sleep either?"

A mathematician, physicist and chemist go on vacation together.

They take separate rooms at the hotel.

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...

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Man's best friend...

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep.

Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual....

"Stewardess!"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane

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Make more puppies!

Little boy and dad are walking down the street. See 2 dogs fucking.
Kid: what's happening?
Dad: they are making puppies!

Later that night, kid can't sleep. Hears noises from parents' bed room, goes to investigate.

Dad is on top of mom, both naked, grunting.

Kid is shocke...

A couple are on holiday on a pacific island...

When they arrive they hear a constant drum beat; the ask the taxi driver and he says "Drums must never stop!"

They get to the hotel and the drumming is still going, so they ask the cleaner and she says "Drums must never stop!"

The drums continue all night and the couple can't sleep. Ex...

Sleeping Baby

A worried new mother went to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the car...

A man gets sent to prison for the first time.

In the middle of the night, he still can't sleep. Suddenly, he hears a prisoner yell out "18!" and everyone laughs.

Then a few minutes later, another prisoner yells "25!". Thunderous laughter, louder than the first.

Then another few minutes later, someone yells "62!". Silence.

P...

I have been terrified of something being under my bed since I was a child.

So recently I decided to go see a psychiatrist, hoping that there might be a cure. I told the psychiatrist that I have had this horrible fear of something terrible being under my bed, and even now as an adult, I find a can't sleep and am in a constant state of anxiety when I'm in the bed. He said "I...

What's the difference between light and hard?

>!You can't sleep with the light on.!<

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For my cake day, an obligatory joke about cake

Little Johnny can't sleep. He decides to get out of bed and peeks into his parents room, catching them having sex.

Johnny asks, “Hey what are you guys doing?”

His mother quickly covers up and yells, “Nothing, nothing! We were just, uh, making a cake.”

...

Two women discuss their husband's...

"My Herbert snores so loud I just can't sleep. I don't know what to do.."
Her friend says, "well I don't know if helps but when our dog snores we tie some laurel around his tail"

It's morning, Herbert wakes up, completely hang over, looks down, sees the laurel wreath down there, calls his ...

[Offensive] A Muslim an Atheist and a Hindu get stuck on the side of a road.

A nearby farmer decides to let them stay at his house but he only has two beds so he says one of them will have to sleep in the barn.

The Atheist volunteers first and goes to sleep in the barn. However he knocks at the door of the house 15 minutes later and complains that he can't take the sm...

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

The Balloon family.

Daddy balloon decided one day to tell his baby balloon son, that he now had to sleep in his own bed. The son gets upset as he likes to share his parents bed. That night, the son wakes up and decides to climb back into bed with his mum and dad.

He finds there is no room, so he unties his fath...

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This joke is popular with lebanese people, idk if everyone will find it funny but here we go

Mr. Abed and Mrs. Abed recently moved to a new building on the first floor. They were very happy they moved to a better area, but little did they know there was a man living in the second floor who plays the violin. At night when they went to sleep, the man started playing the violin and it was beau...

Another Traveling Salesman Joke

Back at the beginning of 1930, there was a traveling salesman who vowed to sell his product in every state in the country. He started in Maine and worked his way across all the northern states. He was so good at selling that he never had to pay for a hotel room. He always could talk people into putt...

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A young couple doesn't have enough money to get through the month.

They try everything to earn some income. They put their furniture up for sale, but no one wants it. They ask friends and family for help, but no one supports them.

In despair, he says to her: "Unfortunately, I don't see any other way... You have to prostitute yourself, that's our last option!...

I like your friend...

- Hey, I like your friend, the girl with the black hair...
- She is married!
- Oh I didn't mean her, the other one, more brown than black.
- She got proposed 2 weeks ago!
- So, what are your plans for tonight?

It's 01:05, I can't sleep and I can't debug one dumb part of ...

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