Can't Sleep Jokes

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

And then it dawned on me.

dad: "Why not?"

kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!"

kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking

Trust me - I've tried that once and almost fell out of the hammock.

Bin of Drills

It doesn't help you sleep, but it makes the lying awake much better!

He finishes her drink

credit: Bill Moen, an 80's San Francisco Bay Area radio personality. Stuck with me for decades, I can still hear his voice telling it:

A couple are in bed and in the middle of the night she wakes up and gets to thinking and now can't sleep. Her husband turns over and she figures he's awake to... read more

A man goes to his doctor and says "doc, I can't sleep. I've tried everything. Sleeping pills, counting sheep, nothing works." the doctor, who's an elderly Irish man says "well I'll tell you what works for me, son." he then sings "one hundred bottles of beer on the wall" and suggests the man do the s... read more

And asked me to stop typing or She will smash my face on the keybodjeysdhvcjkdjwj827fhejwi46wixjj

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g... read more

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ... read more

A trunkquilizer.

I can't drink coffee when I sleep.

Stupid memory foam...

. . . saying "I am unable to sleep because of the guilt I feel for cheating on my taxes. I have underreported my income and am enclosing a check for $1500. If I still can't sleep I will send the rest".

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,... read more

*A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.*

Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

Dad: why did you say that?

Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

*The next day, grandpa drops ... read more

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou... read more

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane

... and he stops by another senator that was looking at his phone:

"You can't sleep either?"

They take separate rooms at the hotel.

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred... read more

When they arrive they hear a constant drum beat; the ask the taxi driver and he says "Drums must never stop!"

They get to the hotel and the drumming is still going, so they ask the cleaner and she says "Drums must never stop!"

The drums continue all night and the couple can't sleep. Ex... read more

A worried new mother went to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the car... read more

In the middle of the night, he still can't sleep. Suddenly, he hears a prisoner yell out "18!" and everyone laughs.

Then a few minutes later, another prisoner yells "25!". Thunderous laughter, louder than the first.

Then another few minutes later, someone yells "62!". Silence.

P... read more

So recently I decided to go see a psychiatrist, hoping that there might be a cure. I told the psychiatrist that I have had this horrible fear of something terrible being under my bed, and even now as an adult, I find a can't sleep and am in a constant state of anxiety when I'm in the bed. He said "I... read more

>!You can't sleep with the light on.!<

"My Herbert snores so loud I just can't sleep. I don't know what to do.."
Her friend says, "well I don't know if helps but when our dog snores we tie some laurel around his tail"

It's morning, Herbert wakes up, completely hang over, looks down, sees the laurel wreath down there, calls his ... read more

Daddy balloon decided one day to tell his baby balloon son, that he now had to sleep in his own bed. The son gets upset as he likes to share his parents bed. That night, the son wakes up and decides to climb back into bed with his mum and dad.

He finds there is no room, so he unties his fath... read more

- Hey, I like your friend, the girl with the black hair...
- She is married!
- Oh I didn't mean her, the other one, more brown than black.
- She got proposed 2 weeks ago!
- So, what are your plans for tonight?

It's 01:05, I can't sleep and I can't debug one dumb part of ... read more