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Can't Afford Jokes

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch.

He can binomial.

I can't afford a helicopter.

Can anyone recommend a place where I can adopt a rescue helicopter?

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon…

... so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.

In the morning, Fred's little brother Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

John...

I can't afford to fix my leaky roof. So I'm inviting some kids with chicken pox over.

Hopefully my house will get Shingles.

I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill...

These are the darkest days of my life...

I can't afford a nice t.v.

So, I just smoke a load of weed and read the dictionary.

HIGH DEFINITION.

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Man I'm poor I can't afford crap.

Shit's expensive.

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You know, if you can't afford to pay for food,

Then you really can't pay for shit.

If you can't afford healthcare...

Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!

Can't afford condoms?

Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.

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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

What happens when you can't afford to pay an exorcist?

They repossess your house.

Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?

The omless shelter.

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

Damn, I can't afford a girlfriend,

Property tax is just too much

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

My favourite icecream place can't afford the electricity bill.

I hear they're having a liquidation sale.

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What do you call people who have trade jobs can't afford to hire individual hookers?

A jackoff all trades.

My boss says he can't afford to pay me during this pandemic...

But luckily he says I can work for exposure.

What do you do if you can't afford to fly from Germany to the UK?

euro

Can't afford blue cheese?

Buy regular cheese and wait!

Can't afford regular cheese?

Buy milk and wait even longer!

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I'm starting a charity for girls that can't afford to buy vibrators

It's called **Toys for Twats**

Imagine a billionaire, which can't afford basic things

Because, he's from Zimbabwe

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I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra

I was going to call it "Dick starter"

Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it..

It'll cost me an arm and a leg.

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

Me: *can't afford to pay medical bills* Cancer cell: Kids these days don't work hard enough

Ok tumor

A husband and wife were grocery shopping ...

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue s...

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...

Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug.

*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.

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Ever notice how strippers' last names are always things they can't afford?

Like Katie Diamond, or Sugar Health-Insurance

A rich old man is on his deathbed...

...but he does not have any heirs. But he has three good friends - a teacher, a doctor, and a lawyer.

He calls them by his side and tells them, "I am dying. I wish to be buried with half my wealth. I will now give you $5 million each and you should bury half of that with my casket when I die....

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

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Legless parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

You can tell who runs the country by the amount of clothes they wear. Regular people can't afford too much, they are the less-ons

...and the people who run the country are the more-ons.

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

The poor can't afford it.

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

What does it say on a poor persons Nike shirt?

Just do.

They can't afford it.

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Stalin's driver asks him for a raise

One day; while walking to his car - comrade Krushchev comes upon his driver, eating grass.

"What are you doing?" "Don't you have any food to eat?" "I pay you a monthly salary!"

The driver responds; "Comrade Krushchev, i can barely feed my family with that money. Please! I'm begging you...

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The cost of living has now become so expensive.....

....that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

What’s the most underrated joke you’ve heard in a movie?

Mine is from The Hangover:

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil: How'd he die?

Alan: World War II.

Phil: Died in battle?

Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World Wa...

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You know why there’s Four Horsemen in the Apocalypse?

Because they can't afford any gasoline!

I would never put my parents in a nursing home

I can't afford it

Healthcare (freely translated from german)

A man really needs some vacation but can't afford any. So he decides to go to the psychiatry. He asks the doctor: "What do I have to do to stay here?" The doctor says: "We need to make a test of your menal health." He shows him a bathtub full of water. In front of it lies a spoon, a water glass and ...

A Day Off

An man goes to see his boss..

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.”

“COVID has us short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can't afford to give anyone...

I read that conservatives want to ban CRT.

I'm not happy with that. I can't afford a new television right now.

I've finally saved up enough for solar panels.

What's holding me back is that I can't afford a house.

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(Nsfw) A man sees a woman walking down the street with the nicest boobs he's ever seen.

He stops her and says "I'll give you £100 if you let me gently bite your boobs!"
Disgusted, she slaps him and walks on.
"£300!" He shouts.
She stops but is about to walk on.
"£500. Final offer."
She says ok and they find a quiet spot.
She takes off her top and he starts play...

Grocery Shopping

Fred and Brenda go to the local supermarket and as they're looking around Fred sees a massive pile of lager cans with the sign '12 for a tenner' on it. He rushes over and adds a twelve pack to their trolley.

'oh no you don't. We can't afford that. Put em back' says Brenda

'But it's 12 ...

When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

I'm working on a rap song about Drugs and Money

It's called "I can't afford that insulin"

A man walks into a lawyer's office...

The man says, "I can't afford your hourly rate, but if I give you $200 will you answer two questions for me?"

The lawyer says, "Absolutely - what is your second question?"

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A Jew went to the Rabbi to ask for advice.

"Oh Rabbi, my Sarah and I and our children are all living together in our small little house. It is so cramped and I can't afford a new one! What shall I do Rabbi?" Rabbi considered it and said. "Go and hire a live-in servant." "What?" "Do as I say." And so the Jew hired a live-in servant. After...

Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street, and now I can't afford to pay you.

You've got to be careful when getting your house exorcised

If you can't afford the payments the priest will repossess your house

This is the first time I can't go on vacation around the world because of the pandemic.

Usually it's because I just can't afford it.

Me: Boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough

Boss: I'll give you a week off then

Me: Two wee coughs??? I can't afford to miss that much work!

A boy and his father were walking down the streets of New York..

The boy passed a fancy jewelry store and saw an expensive watch that he wanted to buy. "Can I have this dad?" "Sorry, we can't afford that right now," the dad replied, and they walked away from the store. That night, the father thought about how he hadn't been able to provide for his family, and dec...

Checking out a girl is like checking out a game

You love it, but you can't afford it

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

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A mariner and a woman meet in a bar in New York City...

She says "I have always wanted to visit Europe, but I can't afford a ticket."

The seaman tells her he will sneak her onto his ship, bring her food and water every day until they get to a European port in exchange for sex. She agrees.

The mariner sneaks her onto the ship and hides ...

I've been staring at topless models all day, just dreaming

But sadly, I can't afford the diecast convertible cars at the moment

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The recession is getting so bad...

wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

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A condom joke

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmac...

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They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away,

but I can't afford to keep buying the bastard iPhones.

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.

He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"

Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't ...

This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

As a lawyer i work on a huge pile of cases every day

I can't afford a real desk.

Did you know air pods are for poor people.

They can't afford the wires

I recently booked a vacation to the South of France on credit but I need to win the lottery to pay it back

I can't afford Tolouse

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...

...until he found a way to overcome this problem.

His friends noticed the dramatic change.

"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."

"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.

'I haven't had a single problem since."

"A thousand a...

I Finally Passed the Bar Today!

Good thing, too. I really can't afford to be stopping in there every day anymore.

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A classic South African van der Merwe joke

Jan van de Merwe is a South African farmer and he really wants a shiny new tractor but he can't afford it! So he makes a plan: he is going to win the lottery and use the money to buy a new tractor. He is also a religious man, so every night before going to sleep he kneels by his bed and prays:
...

I've got a wonderful doctor

If you can't afford the operation she touches up the x-rays.

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Man thinks his wife cheats on him when he's at work...

He can't afford cameras, and he aint the brightest guy around, so he thinks a parrot will do the trick. He'll watch what's going on in the house when the man's away and tell him when he gets back.



He goes to a store and explains the situation.

\-I got a great selection of parro...

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For me sex is like a game

I watch videos of it online cause I can't afford it

A poor woman visits a priest to ask for help...

... she says that her family is doing so bad financially that they can't afford to heat their house. The priest knows that the woman and her husband are farmers and asks her if they have a goat, the woman replies with yes.
"Well then let the goat sleep inside your house, this will keep you warm ...

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Why do Jews make the best doctors?

Because if they give you six months to live and you can't afford to pay your medical bills before then they'll give you another six months.

The farmer and the pigs

A farmer, struggeling through deression, is sitting in a bar talking to his neighbour: "I have no Idea to survive,I own 25 sows but no boar. And I can't afford to buy one or arrange a fertilization. If I'd be able to breed piglets, i could sell them and make money.." The neigbour sais: " No Problem,...

My friend phoned me in a panic.

He said, "My dog is dying and I can't afford a vet. I was wondering if you wanted to buy my car?"



"Is it in good condition?" he asked.



"Yes, excellent."



"Then why does it need to go to the vet?"

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