UPJOKE
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"The strengths I bring to this job? Excellent numeracy, a perfect memory,

and a fourth one... ugh, what was it?"

What gun would Jesus bring to war?

A nail gun.

What fruit can’t you bring to a wedding?

A cantaloupe

What does a necrophiliac bring to the first date with a girl?

A shovel.

What will Santa bring to naughty boys and girls this year

Coalrona

What would Giuliani bring to a trial by combat?

Depends

What are the perfect snacks to bring to a coming out party?

Twinkies.

What’s a librarians favorite thing to bring to a BBQ?

A shush kebab

What did the mermaid forget to bring to math class?

Her algae bra

What does Raptor Jesus bring to the world?

The Velocirapture.

What did Santa bring to the potluck?

Slaw la la la laaa, la la la laaaaaa.

Think of all the new jobs Trump will bring to America:

Wall builders, death squad patrollers, bounty hunters and immigrant poachers.

What snack did the pirate bring to the Super Bowl party?

Chips Ahoy

What food did the priest bring to the potluck?

Peas and hominy

What does an abortion doctor bring to a barbecue?

Baby backs.

What does a priest bring to a sporting event?

Penance

What's the best kind of vegetable to bring to a party?

A turn up

What does a cannibal bring to a barbecue? (OC)

Brats!

In today's economy what do Arts graduates bring to the table?

Your lunch.

What's the best thing to bring to your holiday party?

A Christmas tree. Because they're lit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Dexter forget to bring to Art Class?

Supplies Mother Fucker

What does the Incredible Hulk bring to the Avenger's Thanksgiving meal?

Smashed potatoes.

I'm curious what my vegetarian friend will bring to the superbowl party tonight.

Hopefully it's an apology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

The chief of staff of the US air force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed forces. He directed that a nearby Air Force base will be open and all eligible young men and women would be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F - 15 fighter jet, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff struck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and said...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A rlly funny incident I remember from class many moons ago

So basically, back in 7th grade, my teacher wrote "brain" as one of the supplies to bring to class everyday. Cuz of course - it makes sense to use it in class, right? A few teachers actually do this, as I've heard.

Anyways, in class (like in many classes), we had this one "troublemaker" dude...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

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