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Arouse Jokes

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

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During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.

That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

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Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror?

Because your dick thinks you're a pussy too.

I used to get really aroused by epiphanies but

I've come to the realisation it's a weird kink to have

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

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A man is driving home one night while very aroused

As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, “Pumpkins are soft and squishy and there’s no one around for miles.

He pulls over and pulls out a juicy pumpkin, cuts the appropriate hole in it and begins to slake his erotic desires. Soon he’s really into it and doesn’t notice the pol...

I've found a way to arouse a woman with just one finger.

All you have to do is lift it high enough so that the waiter or waitress can see that you are paying for the bill.

I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings

In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out

When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans.

Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid.

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A man who is aroused by going to courthouses and listening to verdicts is eventually arrested for masturbating during a public trial

They tried him, and he got off on a technicality

Did you hear about the guy who was aroused by semantics?

He got off on a technicality.

There’s only one thing I can arouse

Suspicion

I’ve recently started to feel aroused after looking at myself in the mirror.

I feel guilty about it sometimes but my friends say not be so hard on myself.

Did you hear about the guy with erectile dysfunction who was aroused by tastes and smells?

It took a while, but he finally came to his senses.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"

It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch

I’ve come to my senses

What is it called when you get aroused by jumping through windows?

Autoerotic Defenestration

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[NSFW] My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy.

He said ‘No....

My wife is divorcing me because I keep getting aroused by serious situations. She tried to explain it away, but I said, "Baby, please...

"Don't make this harder than it already is."

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

Some people love watching white bears get aroused, others hate it.

It's polar rising

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With a seductive voice... With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smil...

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I get aroused during farewells

I guess I am bye-sexual

I realized that I get aroused when I read the last chapter of a novel.

I just came to the conclusion.

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A buddy of mine makes yogurt flavored by secretions of aroused female prostitutes.

He practices horticulture.

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Every time I get aroused, my penis turns into a crocodile.

The doctor said I have ereptile dysfunction.

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how do you call a man that is aroused by birds?

an hornythologist

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There are two types of people on earth. People who are aggressively violent, and people who are aroused by vegetables.

As for me, I cum in peas

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.


The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interv...

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What did the anthropomorphic trumpet say when he saw the other anthropomorphic trumpet which was really attractive and aroused him?

I'm horny

What do a truck driver and a slightly aroused man have in common?

They both have a semi.

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[NSFW] I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.

She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl.

So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.

At one point I was banging ...

How do you know when a man from Boston is aroused?

He'll have a hat on.

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I met a guy who gets sexually aroused by conversation.

We were chatting at a party and it suddenly came up.

Tom cruise is going to star in a romantic movie about trying to stay aroused long enough to get his wife pregnant.

It's called 'emission impossible'

What happens when Elon Musk gets aroused?

He elongates

I was at a voodoo store looking to buy an Afrikan juju doll. I couldn't decide which one I wanted, so I stuffed them down my pants, one by one until I got to one that aroused me. It was at this point I knew...

That's my fetish.

John woke up one morning immensely aroused...

...so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed.

His wife, Heather, had already awakened though and was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John texted:

The Tent Pole Is Up

The Canvas Is Spread

The Hel...

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A five year-old kid goes on a trip to the zoo with his Mom

They're passing the elephant house and the female elephants are in season. The bull is aroused. He's walking around trumpeting, displaying his tusks and generally being aggressive. He also has a full-on erection.

The kid spots the weird grey thing swinging around between the bull's rear legs ...

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

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Not tonight dear, I have a headache

A Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
...

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Three men were going through Holy Orders to become priests...

They had passed all the tests up to this point and we're ready for the final test. They stood before the bishop and he told them that the final test would prove their devotion to God. They were instructed to take all their clothes off and tie little bells around their dicks.

The bishop told t...

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

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A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending...

A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending.

He goes inside and meets with his massage therapist, a middle-aged Asian woman who is not wholly unattractive. She takes him into the room, lights a few candles and leaves the room so he can undress. He does so and lies down on the ta...

Two guys were having car trouble.

Their car eventually broke down in the country near a farm. It was late and cold so they decided they would ask the farmer if he would put them up for the night.


They approached the farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer, a massive bearded hulk of a man, brandishing a double-barrel...

Amazed

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emo...

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The Dedicated Husband

There was a man whose wife was in a coma. She had been in a coma for 5 years and every day, the man would visit the hospital and spend time with her despite her lack of progress. On this particular day, he found himself to be bored and got a little horny. So he reached over and began feeling up his ...

A very experienced man...

A man visits a house of ill-repute. He tells the woman, "I've seen everything and done it all. I need an experience I've never had before."
The madam summons a rather plain looking young woman and says, "This is Susan. She's for you."
The man seems unimpressed but resigns himself to the choice...

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A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.

There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...

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Guys wife in horrible accident & now in a coma...

...& seems hopeless. However one of the nurses noticed slight movement when sponging her private parts & encouraged the husband to try & arouse her. Try a little oral sex is all, you never know. We'll give you privacy. So the husband goes in, but 2 minutes later the wife flat-lines &...

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Twenty Dollats

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for her virginity. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was aCute way for her to afford ne...

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Dave was in love with Wendy...

As a sign of his devotion he got her name tattooed on his willy, just before asking for her hand in marriage. Now, when he was flaccid only the first and last letters of Wendy's name were visible. That night in bed Wendy noticed the "Wy" tattooed on his member. Upon inquiring Dave about it, he becam...

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A man gets married...

...but just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, thi...

The Crusading Nun.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tea...

New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually

Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows

Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the ...

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A woman is in the doctor's office...

She says, "Doctor, kiss me."

He replies "I'm sorry, you're beautiful, but I can't do that, it would be unprofessional, I could lose my practice."

A minute later, again she says "Doctor, please, please kiss me, you're so handsome, I'm so aroused and dying to be kissed by you."

He...

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Buddy’s wife is in coma and doctor wants to try just one more thing before giving up hope...

Doctor calls Buddy and explains that it has been 3 months that wife has been in coma and they’ve tried every conventionally excepted medical procedures in effort to revive her. He asks Buddy to come down to hospital to try an “unconventional - non-medical” procedure. Buddy arrives and the doctor sug...

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There’s an unusual hospital

Where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them. For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word Shorty tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything ...

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she gently steps with her high heels on the bar stool and plops herself on the bar top, crosses her legs, and seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently care...

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It’s my half cake day soon so I thought I would post a joke.

A older Marine just came back from deployment and went to the local brothel to get some. He lays his money down and asks for the best girl they have. The madam tells him to go into the room and get undressed and he does.

A few minutes later a very vivacious blonde walks in and introduces her...

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[NSFW] Lisa, one of the regulars at church enters the confession booth to confess her sins.

Lisa:"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Priest: "Don't worry my child. Tell me what happend."

Lisa: "Two days ago I met a guy"

Priest: "And?"

Lisa: "He was very sweet and such a gentleman..*

Priest: "So?"

Lisa: "Well we kissed and he started to touch me...

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Accountants Paradise: The Theme song for "The Accountant" Starring Ben Affleck.

Accountants Paradise:

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at your finances and draw a deep deep breath.

Cos I’ve been counting and adding for all so long that even my boss thinks that my mind has gone.

But I ain’t never crossed a debit that didn’...

Yo Mama so ugly...

She can't even arouse suspicion.

Poor women

An elderly woman was cleaning out her attic one day. She come across an old lamp that she hadn't seen before. Start cleaning it to see what it is.
A genie pops out and says for setting me free I'm going to Grant you three wishes.
The woman thought about it for a while and said I have made my d...

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Always choose success.

A man is walking down the street one day and comes across a ladder reaching to the heavens. His curiosity makes him climb it. He comes across the first cloud and laying on it is a beautiful and sexily dressed woman who gives him a choice.
"You can either take me right now or climb the ladder to ...

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[NSFW] A balding man walks into his his favorite barber shop.

Sitting down for his haircut, he looks up at the barber and asks,

"This bald patch has really started to get me down. Have you heard of any reliable cure for baldness?"

The barber smiles, "Actually, I have one that's guaranteed to work! Whenever you're with a women, make sure you arous...

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A woman’s elderly husband dies...

At first the woman was hysterical because she had gotten used to having sex multiple times a week and the man had been very good. She comes up with the idea to preserve her husbands memory and she would cut off his penis and stick it in a hole in her floorboards to continue pleasuring herself even a...

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Some Catholic priests are doing their final test before becoming ministers.

The final test was to stand naked with a bell on your penis, and then receive a lap dance. The candidates had to prove their vow of celebacy by not getting aroused. They bring in the stripper and she gives each guy a lap dance, and each one does not get aroused. When she gets the the final candidate...

Poor old Paddy had died. (NSFW)

Paddy had dropped over from a heart attack! After the funeral, one of his widow's friends dropped by to see how she was holding up. The mostly sat in the parlor and chatted, but the smell of something cooking aroused the friend's curiosity, so she wandered over to the stove and lifted the lid on t...

Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses t...

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

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A man is born with a 26 inch penis

His penis is so long that no women is willing to be with him and he becomes light headed whenever he gets an erection.
Frustrated by this, he decides to seek the help of a with who lives in the swamp. He says to her "witch my penis two feet long, women fear it and I pass out whenever I become ar...

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The passenger and the nun (old, but gold)

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Aroused, he wishes to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I...

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A guy has a crush on his friend's chinese wife.

One day he runs into her while she is shopping and he proposes they have lunch together in a nearby restaurant.
Finding it hard to converse with her flirtatiously, he proposes they play a game.
"What if I pay you 100 bucks to show me your boobs?" Asks the guy.


"Okay." The lady agre...

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