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What do you call a person who can revive black people?

A negromancer

How do Communists revive people?

By using CCCPR!

My friend was trashing children's shows, which offended everybody, but then he changed tune and said he want's to revive Nick Jr.

I think he was just trying to save Face

And god said come forth and revive eternal life ...

But he came fifth and won a blender

A rabbit crosses an intersection and gets hit by a car,killing it instantly...

An animal lover,concerned about the well being of the rabbit,gets out of her car and rushes over to the rabbit,takes it's pulse,and immediately grabs a can out of her purse.She sprays it on the rabbit and instantly the recent roadkill jumps back to life,hops three times and waves,hops three times a...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Cat died

One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him. “Daddy, the cat died today!” “Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.” “But why are his arms and legs up in the air?” “Well, darling, that’s just something they do.” She takes the death fairly well and does...

Why didn't anyone revive the dying pirate?

He had a DN*Ahrrr!* order.

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One day Poseidon, Zues, and Hades got together in a hot tub and decide a humans fate

Before anything they all had agreed to the loser had to bathe the winner. They all picked the same guy. This guy was a homeless scraggy bastard with beer in one hand and a jar in the other. Words on jar said, "I'll give blowjob's for a dollar". So Hades chimed in and said, "For every blowjob I will ...

Chewbacca too soon joke?

Anyone have any?

What did the doctor say when he couldn’t revive him? It was a wookie mistake.

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave coul...

The rumor never died, even as Gabenism was revived...

It is the year 3015. A boy is browsing the history books when he finds one that (poorly) depicts the 21st century. In it, there is a section called "Valve and early religions."

The boy becomes interested and revives Gabenism.

His parents took an interest in their boy's new found passio...

Shipwrecked

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog. Many months passed and life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island.


Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was abou...

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A man and his wife are in a car accident.

The man is saved by the airbag, but the woman hits her head on the windshield and falls into a coma.

The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "pr...

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Biggest guy I've ever seen

So I was on my way to the bank to ask for a loan. I got into the elevator and it stops on the second floor. As the doors open a huge man ducks down to get into the elevator. I gulp and attempt to ask what floor? A hand the size of a diner plate reaches over and hits the close door button. This gi...

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:

"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

"No, autism is a co...

There is a country that is still mostly undocumented

This country is not too large in size, but it's covered by miles and miles of tar. It's gone by many names, such as "The Country of Tar," and still lacks an official title. According to the few documents that exist for it, the tar covering the country could conceal countless amounts of undiscovered ...

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One fine day in Ireland...

... a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodnes...

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

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Donald Trump was on official states business in Spain [Long]

It was mostly successful. On the last night of his visit the while delegation was invited to dine with the king at his own restaurant up in the mountains. Cozy Mr. Trump orders the turtle soup for appetizers.

Everyone revives their meals one by one, all but Mr. Trump. When twenty minutes has...

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A man walks into a bar...

and sits down next to a crusty old sailor, whose head is the size of an orange but otherwise looks and acts normal. After quite a few beers, the man can't help himself and asks the sailor why his head is so small. The sailor laughs good naturedly, and begins to tell his tale.

Decades ago h...

After a terrible storm, a man and his sheepdog are stranded on a large desert island.

They manage to set up camp and survive. The man searches the island every day, but never finds any other people.

One day, as the man and his dog are walking, they find a small flock of sheep grazing.

Looking at the sheep, the man gets an idea.

Now, he isn't the kind of guy wh...

A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.

Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.


Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks h...

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Old sex life.

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won...

Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading “I can’t take the critism anymore.”

She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.

As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally “my dear…that’s NOT how you spell criticism!”

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There were two statues...

...him and her, on a pedestal for hundreds of years. One day God noticed them and sent St. Peter to bring them to life, giving them an hour of life as a reward for enduring the weather for that long.
So St. Peter revives them and tells them the deal "for enduring hot sun, blizzards, hail e...

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Once upon a time, a family of three lived in a village

Once upon a time, a family of 3 lived in a village. An old father and his two sons. They had a buffalo. Everything was going great, when suddenly one day their buffalo died. Entire family got into grief.
That night father was very sad and while crying he came near the well. To his surprise, a f...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.

One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his lif...

Irishman Paddy wanted another drink

But Mick the pub owner said "ya had enough, go on home Paddy"
I am guessing your right Mick, and with that he spun around on his stool, focused his eyes on the door, got up and proceeded to fall face first on the floor.
"Oh, Saints be praised, I must be drunken than me thought. If I can just g...

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A man, a pig and a dog on stranded on a deserted island....

A man, a dog and a pig are stranded on a deserted island after surviving a shipwreck. The man and his animals have plenty of food and resources to survive, but after a while the man starts to feel sexually frustrated.

One day he decides to take his sexual frustration out on the pig but...

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Sad Times

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend and fellow campervanner take his last, I was to honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motor...

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Three boys are on a farm... (NSFW)

looking after it while their parents are out for a few hours. The oldest boy accidently kills the goat, and is so scared, he says he's going into the woods to shoot himself. He then runs, and takes a loaded shotgun with him. Two minutes later, a deafening gunshot fills the woods.

The two othe...

A middle aged woman suffers a heart attack...

... and meets God before being revived. He tells her not to worry; she's got at least 40 more years of life ahead of her.

Upon waking from surgery, she decides that with all that time left, and since she's at the hospital anyway, she'll get some cosmetic surgery... a face lift, a nose job, br...

It sure is hot down here!

The Johnsons from Canada decide to head to Florida, staying at the same hotel they honeymooned at for their 20th anniversary. However, due to their last minute decision, both have too take separate flights. When the husband arrives, he immediately emails his wife (Joanne) but in his haste he mistype...

A doctor passing trough a rural town finds the whole town grieving the Major's daughter's death.

I'll try be brief.
The lady was narcoleptic. So the doc, knowing it, offers to bring her back to life and they can pay him on his way back. He asks to be left alone with the lady and proceeds to make love to her, knowing that later on she'd wake up.

The town is amazed that he revived her...

So my brother was playing FFVII...

And he always named Cloud as "Grin". I never understood why. Every time he played a new game, he would name him "Grin". The other characters he left the same...Tifa, Yuffie, Cait Sith, it was just Cloud.

One day, he was playing with just two guys (Red XIII was on the team, but he never revive...

Milk Cows and Leprechauns

A poor Irish family of five (father, mother, and three sons) live out in the country side, and their only source of income comes from just one milk cow. Everyday, the father wakes early in the morning to go milk the cow, and every Friday, he brings the milk to the market, and comes home with just en...

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The Pig-Fucker Joke (NSFW)

So this guy breeds exceptionally rare, prized pigs, pigs that people from across the world seek to acquire.

One day, as he was sailing with a group of pigs to over-sea market, a nasty storm rolled in. His ship capsizes, and the man wakes up on the shore of a desert island with only one pig, ...

Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.

He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.When she was finally revived...

Riding A Dead Horse

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include,

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridde...

A doctor, a priest and a model are driving.

So the three of them are driving on a country road, when they hit a bunny. They stop and get out, overwhelmed with sympathy for their fluffy victim, it lies motionless on the road


The doctor draws on all his skills to try and get the bunny up again, but to no avail. The priest kneels down...

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The Woman in a Coma

A woman has been on a coma for almost 3 years following a tragic accident. Her husband couldn't let go so he decided to just keep her on life support. One day, as the nurse on duty was giving her a bed bath, she noticed a slight response from the monitors hooked onto the woman everytime she wipes he...

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