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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

Fred and Mary got married.

But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "...

A young country girl (Mary) was walking down through the village with a large bull

Mr Jones stops her and says : Young Mary, where are you taking that beast?
Im taking him to farmer Giles so that the bull can mate with his cows. She replied
Can't your father do that? Asks mr Jones
No sir, says Mary, It must be the bull that does it.

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Virgin Mary had just given birth to her child in a barn

The three wisemen are coming to visit and bring gifts. The first one walks into the barn and hands Mary a present. The second one does the same and Mary thanks them both. As the third one was trying to walk into the barn, he stubbed his toe on the doorframe and yelled "Jesus Christ!" to which Mary r...

Little Mary had no arms

Guess what she got for her birthday

A pair of gloves

Nah, just kidding, she's still trying to open the box

\*Knock Knock\*

Who's there?

Definitely not Little Mary

If Al Abama wore Miss Issippi's new jersey to the party, what will Mary Land wear?

I dunno, Al ask a.

Mary had a little dress

With slits all up the sides

And every step that Mary took

The boys could see her thighs.

\~\~\~

Mary had another dress

With slits all up the front

\--But she never wore that one.

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When
the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act ...

Mary cleaned Marsha's house. Marsha cleaned Mary's house.

They both were maid for each other

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Mr. Rogers the biology teacher called on Mary

"Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions expands upto 6 times it's normal size?"

Mary gasped and said in a huff, " Mr. Rogers! That is a very inappropriate question. The principal will be hearing of this. " She sat down red faced.

"Susan, can you tell me t...

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Johnny and mary at bible school

So mary and johnny are at bible school and mary has a habit of falling asleep. When this happens johnny pokes her with his pencil to wake her up.

After the teacher asks a few questions mary falls asleep and the teacher says who is our lord and savior. Johnny pokes mary with his pencil and sh...

Why was Mary Magdalene upset with Jesus?

Bevause he holy ghosted her.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

Teacher: "What's your hobby, Mary?" "Knitting and swimming."

"But doesn't the wool get soggy?"

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Mary walks into her church weeping and goes to the Priest and bawls "Father. My husband has died"...

The priest says "Oh Mary, I'm so sorry for your loss. I knew Peter, he was a good man. Did he have any last wishes before he died?"

Mary said "Yes Father. He said 'Mary can you please put down the fucking gun'"

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A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

Why did Burt put on weight after he ate Mary Poppins' cake?

It was super calorific

Mary and Joseph are trying to find a name for their son

Joseph paces back and forth inside the manger, and hit his head because of the low roof.

"Jesus Christ!"

and Mary: "Ehy, I like that"

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The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

Mary Poppins has moved to L.A. where she has opened a fortune-telling shop specializing in predicting future bad breath.

The sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert: Halitosis

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What was the Virgin Mary's last name?

Christmas.


(Have a good one, reddit!)

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obvi...

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Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night ...

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Mary and Jane are two new mothers and they are chatting about raising baby boys

Jane asks Mary “What do you call that useless bit of skin at the end of the penis”

Mary says “I call it my husband”

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A car full of Irish nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think ...

My sister Mary has an abusive husband. Their BBQs are awkward...

We watch him eat, drink and beat Mary.

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The Difference Between Poetry and Prose

An English teacher was explaining the differences of poetry and prose to her class.

“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”

“This is an example of poetry, but if I wanted to change it to prose I would say, ‘the l...

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Johnny was watching an adult movie with Mary

Johnny gets a hard-on

Obviously Mary started asking right away: "Johnny what is that?" while pointing at Johnnys dick

Johnny being busy with other stuff answered quickly: "That's a stork"

Mary is still bored and starts asking again: "What is that?" while pointing at Johnnys ball...

So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick...

She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Anna.

Anna who?

Anna happy new year!

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)

Little Mary is riding a train with her grandma

Suddenly, Mary opens the window and leans out.
,,Watch out Mary, you might get hurt by tree branches." says grandma.
Mary replies,,Don't worry grandma, there are no trees, just co-co-co-co-co-co-concrete pillars."

”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.

”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

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How did the Virgin Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?

Her wine broke.

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mo...

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Why did the people kill the virgin Mary's sister?

Because she was the Aunty Christ

Mary Magdalene sends nudes to Jesus

Jesus: Sends picture of bread
Mary: WTF
Jesus: This is my body

Fishing

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's...

Drugs are a lot like women...

If you abuse them. Crystal, Mary Jane, and Molly will destroy your life.

Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?

**Joseph: [pulls up a chair]** yea Mary, where DO babies come from?

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Two nuns are driving down a country lane late one night.

Suddenly, a vampire lands on the bonnet of the car, hissing and scratching at the windscreen!
“Ooh, Sister Mary - quickly, show him your cross”! Says a panicking Sister Bernadette!
Sister Mary quickly winds the window and leans out, “Get off the fucking bonnet, you prick”! She shouts!

I went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night..

Super cauliflower cheese, but the lobster was atrocious!

Bob and Mary are celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary.

The local news decides to do an op-ed on them. The reporter asks Bob, You two have been married 75 years, what's your secret?

Bob says...Well on our honeymoon, we decide to take a trip to the Grand Canyon. We rent some donkeys and start our adventure. An hour in, Mary's donkey slips on some ...

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Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

the owner looks up and says "Well, hello Sister Mary, how can I help you?"
The nun says "I need a fifth of liquor"
The owner reacts with surprise and asks "Why do you want liquor?"
Sister Mary replies "Oh, it's for medicinal purposes"
"Well, in that case" says the owner, and sell her wha...

Mary goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

The priest: “So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

Mary: “Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest: “Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

Mary: “That he did, Father."

The priest: “What did he ...

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

(Note: for greatest comedic effect, all dialogue must be read in a bad Irish accent.)

A nun walks into a liquor store, selects a bottle of whiskey, and brings it to the counter. The store owner is shocked she would do such a thing. "Oh, Sister Mary," he says, "what are you doing?"

"It'...

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I used to bang a set of twins...

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.

It could be worse...

John knocks on the door and a man opens it.

John confesses he has been sleeping with Mary and that they have had an affair for the last year. The man simply says "well it could be worse"

John goes on to say that Mary has been funneling money to him the entire time and he has spent ...

Bob and Mary are single residence in a nursing home care facility. Every night Mary goes to Bob’s room and Jacks him off before bed.

One evening Mary goes to Bob‘s room and sees that Margret is in there doing what she considered to be her job. Mary calmly walks out unseen. The next day at breakfast she confronts Bob. “I went to your room last night and Margret was at your bedside instead of me. What does she have that I don’t”?. ...

Jerry and Mary are a few weeks from their wedding...

And Jerry is starting to feel nature call, but Mary wants to wait until their special night. Jerry, however, continues to push the matter until he convinces Mary to let him put the tip in just once, but she makes him promise that's all he's going to do. He does. So they're all set and ready one nigh...

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The Bible says Mary and Joseph didn't get along very well.

Says she rode his ass all the way to Bethlehem.

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

What is the opposite of "Typhoid Mary"

Marie Cure-y

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

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John comes home and tells Mary he will perform oral sex on her

Mary really excited goes into bed. John gives her oral sex and after they noticed that John had a pubic hair stuck in his teeth. They struggle to get it out but they do not manage to do it. Then John says:

J: Mary I will go to the dentist to help me.

M: If you think this is the best id...

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It is near the end of the school year.

The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smar...

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What do you call it when God impregnated Mary?

Holy fuck

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in...

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Dad was in the field plowing when he noticed Mary run into the barn.

A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, so Dad decides to see what they are doing.


As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town. Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard a...

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, One guy looks at the other and says,"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dub...

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Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse,

And turned its wool to nylon.

Mary went to a restaurant with three of her friends.

The three friends ordered from the vegan section whereas Mary had a little lamb.

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A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.

Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.

The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.

Just lower your voice a...

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

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[NSFW] Mary has 3 kids Mat, Pat and Tat

When it was time to feed them, Mat sucked the left tit, Pat sucked the right tit, and so gentlemen, there was no tit for tat.

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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

In a convent, the Mother Superior, a very mean woman, woke up.

\- What a wonderful day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice for the nuns - she said.

She got out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.

\- Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!

\- Thanks, Mother. You look g...

Bob looked at his wife Mary and said ”I can’t believe today makes 2 happy years of marriage”

Mary: Bob, we have been married for 15 years...

Bob: I SAID HAPPY

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Jack and Mary work in a corporate office building together.

Their boss has a dilemma, both are hard, diligent workers but the company's not doing so well, and cannot afford to keep both. He decides he's going to watch them both from his office one day, and whoever works the hardest will keep their job.


On Friday, he watches them all through the...

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Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"

The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."

She then collapses and dies from polio.

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In Jerusalem, Jesus was forced to carry the cross...

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgotha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgotha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

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The pastor states, “Everything in modern day life is explained in the Bible.”

Everyone in the congregation is trying to stump the preacher. Finally someone yells out, “What about PMS?” A hush grows through the church. The pastor answered, “That’s easy. And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!”

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Show-and-Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show-and-tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamine and I am Jewish and this is a Star of ...

Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69

Paddy's never done it before so Mary says she'll show him.

She tells him to lay on the floor and squats over him.
As she's lowering herself down she farts. Apologizing, she tries again and farts again.

Paddy jumps up and storms out, yelling "I'll be fooked if I'm hanging around f...

When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised...

...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.

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Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar, the barman is puzzled, but remains professional.

“What would you like gents?” The barman asks, “just a beer thanks” the man replies. “I’ll have a lemonade with a slice please” says the ostrich,”AND I’LL HAVE A F**KING RUM & COKE!” Shouts the ca...

Sister Mary hears a voice from the heavens.

The voice says, "Sister Mary, I want you to take all of the church's money and get on a bus to Las Vegas". So Sister Mary takes all of the church's money and gets on a bus to Las Vegas.

The voice says, "When you get off the bus I want you to walk into the first casino you see". So when the bu...

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

Where did Mary go after the explosion?

Everywhere

Took my wife Mary out to a fancy restaurant last night. I had the filet mignon...

Mary had a little lamb.

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God.....

Does that mean Mary have a little lamb?

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train...

So an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train, drinking and being loud together.

Dickie, Scotty and Paddy.

At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful nun get on, store their bags overhead and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the pries...

The three wise men were visiting the little baby Jesus

As Melichior leans over to get a closer look at the infant he bumps his head on the roof of the manger and shouts, "Jesus Christ!" Mary looks up and says, "What a nice name, I was going to call him Irving".

Mary needed veggies for dinner...

but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over. She sent a text to her husband.
"Honey please don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you."

Paul, her husband replied, "Who is Priscilla?"

"Nobody, I was just making ...

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Polish boy goes to confession

Polish boy, Stosh, goes to confession.

He says, "Father I have sinned. I have a problem with masturbation."

The father says, "Ah my son that is something you need to save for marriage say 3 hail marys and come back next week."


Stosh comes back the next week the father ask...

a blind man walks into a restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, ...

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a rare condition with my sight.

Umdiddlyumdiddlyumdiddly eye

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Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
word, he made contact, Mary . . .. Mary . . ."

"Is that you, Fre...

I hate talking to Mary Jane

She's just too blunt

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Three vampires walk into a bar

Bartender asks "What can I get ya?"

The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary."
Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks."
On the third's turn he orders "Hot water."

Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?"
To which the third vampi...

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lbs 2oz?

They had a weigh in a manger.

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