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A kid was in court for an adoption meeting he was being beaten by his parents, the judge says do you want to live with aunty mary? boy replies no she beats me as well, judge says what about uncle henry? boy again says no, judge says who do you want to live with then? boy replies Manchester United..

They can't beat any fucking one...

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

What role does Queen Latiff play in The Equalizer?

A vigil-aunty.

The entire Trump family, except for Maryanne Trump Barry, has tested positive for Covid-19!

Hmmm, maybe the Aunty Maskers are onto something...

A mother and son were talking to each other

Mother to Son: Who is Sultan Aziz?

Son : Don't know

Mother : you should pay attention to your studies

Son to Mother : Do you know Aunty Jennifer?

Mother : Don't know

Son: Pay attention to who daddy meets too

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Little Johnny is visiting his uncle Fred the farmer...

Johnny came running in from the field one day frantically shouting “UNCLE FRED! UNCLE FRED! THE BULL IS FUCKING THE COW!!”

Fred of course found this information useful but told Johnny “thank you for tell me, but maybe instead of telling me the bull is fucking the cow, just tell me he’s SURPRI...

My Mom’s sister got Coronavirus so I bought her a new computer.

The warranty said it came with free “Aunty-virus” protection software.

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Why did the people kill the virgin Mary's sister?

Because she was the Aunty Christ

Mom invited a friend from France called Soh Ciel for dinner.

She rarely talks with me because I call her Aunty Soh Ciel.

The wife and I went to a swingers night.

However, when we got there the only other people to turn up were my mum's sister and her husband.

Turned out to be a bit of an aunty climax.

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What's does your mom's sister and a horse have in common?


One is a homosapien, a bipedal animal that has a high functioning precortex while horses are quadpedal and were used extensively by humans before motor vehicles

This was an aunty-joke

My dad's sister doesn't speak with anyone....

We call her Aunty Social

My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.

I call her Aunty Psychotic.

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I just shot my mum, my dad, my sister and my brother.

Then my aunty walked in the door with my cousins and I shot them straight away. My grandma and grandad came in, I let them have a cup of tea before I shot them too. Tomorrow I've got to shoot my wife's whole fucking family!

It's hard work being the family photographer.

What do you call your uncle's hot wife?


Sorry, it's an aunty-joke

Wife: Hello, where are you?

Husband: In office, & you?

Wife: In restaurant, 2 tables behind you!
The kids are asking who is that aunty with daddy?

Why is John Snow a confident poker player?

Because he just upped the aunty.

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The Heart Attack


A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.....

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My mum’s sister always builds up jokes and then the punch lines turn out to be shit.

Aunty Climax.

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Little Tyrone

Litte Tyrone is playing in the kitchen while his mother is cooking when he tips over the flour jar and covers himself in flour.

"Look, Ma, I'm a white boy." he says. His mother gets the switch and spanks his butt.

"Go tell Aunty what you just said, Tyrone" his mother says. Little Tyr...

A young girl is living with her aunt...

One night the girl is on her way out to go dancing. The aunt notices that her niece isn't wearing a bra, and her shirt is quite translucent. So the aunt stops her before she leaves the house and demands where she is going dressed like that.
"Oh Aunty," the girl replies, "I'm just letting my rose...

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