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Ambulance Jokes

What's an ambulance driver's favorite gaming system?

Wii U.

What do you call it when an ambulance crashes into the side of a hospital?

A medical breakthrough...

Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.

Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.

Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]

What do an ambulance and a yoga class have in common?

They both contain stretchers.

It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance.

I really shouldn't be a paramedic.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do yo...

Some couple was getting a little frisky behind the wheel of an Altima on a slick street, lost control and went slightly off the road, hit a tree with the front end and needed to call an ambulance and roadside assistance.

A classic case of Head, Shoulder, Nissan Tows, Ice, ERs, Mouth and Nose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Oh no! Someone got seriously injured at the Nintendo headquarters! Call an ambulance!

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

Blonde guy gets home from work...

Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and dau...

Xbox One down! PS4 Down! Get an ambulance!

Wii U!
Wii U!
Wii U!

Me, after accidentally cutting my hand open with a saw: Can you call me an ambulance?

Son: You’re an ambulance

Me: haha

Son: haha

Me: Ok I’m losing a fair bit of blood here, bud

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A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: "Help, a crocodile took my leg off!"

The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?"
"I don't know", the zookeeper says, " those bastards all look the same!"

What do the Patriots and an American who took an ambulance have in common?

They were crushed by the bills.

The leper was upset at the expensive ambulance ride to the hospital

It cost him an arm and a leg

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

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What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

As they loaded my mother-in-law into the ambulance...

...I reached into my wallet and pulled out all the cash I had. Taking the arm of the paramedic, I offered him the money.

"I know it's not much", I said (it was £80), "but please, if you can, see what you can do"

He looked into my tear soaked eyes, the blue lights from the ambulance mak...

So a couple days ago I had to call for an ambulance...

I hate to be a burden to anyone but I sure hope they get here soon...

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

A guy wakes up in an ambulance.

Where are you taking me?

* To a funeral house!
* But I'm not dead yet!
* Well, we're not there yet!

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What do an ambulance and a porn star have in common?

They’re both really loud when they come.

An ambulance is like a Pizza delivery

If they're late the delivery ends up cold.

I told the doctors in the ambulance the wrong blood type for my ex.

Now she will understand what rejection feels like

Why is an Ambulance slow?

Because its a Patient Transport

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TIFU and heard the four words you never want to hear during sex... "Call me an ambulance"

So I said, "You're an ambulance."

What's the difference between a bra and a ambulance

An ambulance takes care of the wounded while the bra takes care of the fallen

What do rich people ride to the emergency room?

An ambulance

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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

What sound does an ambulance make when a child predator gets injured?

PE-DO PE-DO PE-DO!

What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.

An ambulance.

Got fired on my first day with the ambulance today

I don't know what happened but they asked me how i deliver a baby and i answered "fedex".

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner whit them?

They’re pair-a-medics.

An ambulance was called to a local restaurant this afternoon.

When the paramedics walked in, the saw two men on the floor having seizures. The paramedics split up, each going to one of the men. Suddenly, both men stopped their convulsing. The paramedics asked if they were all right.

"Oh, we're fine. We both have epilepsy, but we don't let it interfere w...

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

A man calls 911 one day and frantically asks them to bring an ambulance

Man: "My 14 year old son was entering the mine to find coal but he stubbed his toe on the entrance! Please bring an ambulance quickly!"

911: "Sir I'm sorry but this is nothing we can do. We don't deal with such minor issues"

Why where there two dudes in a ambulance

Cause they were a pair-a-medics

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

What do they call ambulances in Russia?

Abubukar

A farmer lies unconscious in his field after an apparent farming accident. An ambulance pulls up and two EMTs attend the farmer.

EMT1 <walks into corn field, snaps on glove>: "Whadda we got?"
EMT2: "Man, probably a farmer, left leg's been hit with a tiller. ID in the wallet says he's..."
EMT1: no-NO! Don't!
EMT2: ...Lou-is Cz-...zew...ski. Louis Czyzewski.
EMT1: <sighs, pulls glove off> "...cal...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

I need an ambulance

911 Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Drunk southern man: A man's been shot. I need an am-bu-ance.

911 Operator: Where are you at?

Man: I'm on Sycamore Street.

Operator: Sir you're going to have to spell that.

Man: Si... No, Sy... Tell you what, I'll drag him ov...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

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Two paramedics in an ambulance were called to a church early one Sunday morning.

After arriving they speak to the pastor and he takes them to the belfry. On the floor of the belfry is an armless, legless man unconscious on the floor.

The first paramedic asks the pastor what happened. “This is our bell ringer.”

The first paramedic asks how he can do the job withou...

Two friends go hunting and one of them falls down a hill and loses consciousness.The other friend calls the ambulance to get help!

The lady on the phone says the ambulance is not close so they need to take some steps themselves.
She says most importantly we need to make sure if he’s dead.
There’s complete silence for a minute and a loud boom goes off.
The friend picks the phone back up and says:
Now What?

Husband : Please Call An Ambulance I Think Am Having A Heart Attack...

Wife : (Took His Mobile Phone) Quickly, Give Me The Password... Husband : Ooh I Think Am Fine Now...

A Mexican man is found unresponsive...

A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana.
Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital.
Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within ...

I saw a man fall on the ground and his wife yelled, "Someone call him an ambulance!"

So I yelled back "Hey dude, you're an ambulance!" and left. Hope he's ok.

What do you call an ambulance with a flat tire?

A flatulence.

My employer asked me who to contact in case of an emergency...

I said "an ambulance". This place is run by idiots. I'm sure I'll be in charge soon.

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After suffering a stroke, a man was dragged into hospital by an ambulance

On the way to his ward, he passed a room where a man was vigorously jacking off; he asked the nurse "what's he doing?".



The nurse replied" he has a condition where he gets severe pain if he does not masturbate every 15 minutes"




"Oh, my bad."



Later ...

What noise does a Nintendo ambulance make?

Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u

I was following an ambulance today

Going down the road with the lights on and siren blaring. We were on a highway with a high speed limit so I could keep up without being too close.

The ambulance goes around the curve ahead of us and the back door flings open. A cooler rolls out and lands on the side of the road.

I fi...

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Three Rednecks were working on a Cell Phone pole: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty g...

the ambulance and the toe

Last night I was coming home from work in the city, driving country roads to get home.

I looked in my rear view mirror and saw an ambulance with its lights on. I pulled over and as the ambulance passed by, I noticed the back door open up a little. The ambulance hit a small bump and out fell ...

What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it?

Ambu-Lance Armstrong

What does a French couple making love and an Ambulance have in common?

They both go OuiOuiOuiOuiOui.

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A bus full of politicians crashes in a deserted area

there was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goesto take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. 30 minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't wor...

A sick guy is in an ambulance.

He notices that the driver drives right past the hospital and says: Hey, where are you taking me?

The driver says: To the morgue.

The sick guy goes: The morgue? But I'm not dead yet.

Driver goes: We're not at the morgue yet.

Caller: Hello, 911, my friend collapsed, we need an ambulance. 911: What is your location?

Caller: Peotone St. at Charlevoix

911: Can you spell that?

Caller: Look, I'll drag him to 3rd and Oak - send the ambulance there.

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

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A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

In an ambulance

"can you describe the snake that bit you?"

Me: "yes, it was like an angry rope"

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.

Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.

Ambulance game

a boy said to a girl "lets play the ambulance game" girl asked "how do u play that?"
the boy said "i run my fingers up your legs and you say red light when you want me to stop"
girl "OK"
after sometime girl screams
red light
red light
ahh ahh red light
boy "ambulance doesn't st...

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.

"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.

"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'h...

Guy in a Lamborghini

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks fast."

Guy says "It sure is."

Old man looks at the interior and says "Looks luxurious...

What was the ambulance saying when they were carrying Satoru Iwata?

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

I walked into a bar once...

I went into a bar once and ordered a drink from the bartender. He puts down the drink and a side of peanuts. I take a sip of the drink and I hear faintly, "Man, you have great hair!" I was a little freaked out by it, because there isn't anyone in the bar besides me and the bartender, but the bartend...

Paddy and Murphy walking down the street, paddy falls over, paddy says 'Murphy, call me an ambulance' Murphy says..

PAAAADDY IS AN AMBULANCE!!

What do epileptics call ambulances?

Irony on wheels!

a joke translated from turkish

Once upon a time there was a pit in a village, people used to wound themselves from falling into the pit. 3 elders of the village unite to a find a solution to this pit.

First one says that we should place an ambulance next to the pit, that way people will get to the hospital faster

Se...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy t...

911, whats your emergency?

Operator: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: A guy just got hit by a car, i need an ambulance.

Operator: What’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus street.

Operator: Can you spell that out for me?

Man: (long awkward pause)

Operator: Sir? Are you there?
...

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is d...

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

I identify as an ambulance

My pronouns are wee/woo

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

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Ambulances are the original Transformers

because sometimes they transform mid-ride into hearses.

My dad advised me not to use my phone on the first date.

Imagine my frustration when she choked to death because I couldn't call an ambulance.

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A man went on a trip to France

He didn’t have much money so he decided to stay in a hostel. All night he kept trying to sleep but the sounds of an ambulance coming from the room next door kept him up.

The next night he went to go to sleep and the same thing happened; woken up by ambulance sounds except this time from acro...

A man goes to the circus, looking for a job [Long Joke]

A man goes to the circus looking for a job, he approaches the ticket seller to find the ring master.

"What do you want?" Said the ticket seller.

"I have the greatest act ever, that I know is perfect for the circus, and is bound to impress the ring master"

The ticket seller thoug...

A madhouse was to be demolished.

All the interns were to be transported to a new mental asylum. So they loaded a truck with all the patients that reside there, as well as some of the psychiatric staff to maintain the order, but in the middle of the way to the madmen's new home, there was a violent accident that resulted in the cras...

A friend of mine planned a trip to America and walked into a bar

They are now facing crippling debt from the ambulance ride and stitches

Two cars crashed close to a bar at noon...

One driver died instantly. The other was thrown out of the windscreen, hit the ground, and broke several bones. He screams and shouts for help.

A man that was drinking at the bar leaves and sees the scene. He goes close to the screaming man and asks:

\- No one has arrived yet?

\...

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app.

It just sent an ambulance to my house.

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After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

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A man goes out for a walk

on a nice day. Feeling somehow lucky, he stops to buy a scratch-off ticket. He scratches and... BAM! 500K$ prize.

Unbelievable, isn't It? But as he keeps on his walk, he somehow feels unsatisfied, so he stops for another ticket, he scratches it and... there he goes again! 1 MILLION!! 1.5M$ to...

I've just witnessed a police car crash into a fire engine in town.

I was going to ring for an ambulance, but that could've been asking for trouble.

Why do ambulances require two drivers at all times?

Because they're a pair o' medics.

A terrified mother called 911

"Help me!" she said. "My son just swallowed a fork!"

The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send over an ambulance right away.

"What should I do until it arrives?" the mother asked him.

"Use a spoon"

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So this guy named dave...

Goes to his boss and says "Everyone in the world knows me." The boss says " Ok then lets see Tom Cruise." So they fly to LA go to Tom Cruise's mansion and knock on the door and Tom Cruise opens the door and says "Dave come on in and have a beer." The boss still doesn't believe Dave so he says "Let's...

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