This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

A naked woman goes into a cab

The cabby stares at her and the woman sneered " What? Never seen a naked woman before?".
The guy replied, " I'm just wondering where's the money you're going to pay me."

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A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife...

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

An American is traveling around London in a cab.

They drive past the Westminster Palace.
"What building is this and how long did it take build?" Asks the American.
"This is the Westminster Palace and it took 30 or so years"
"That's way too long. In America we would've built it in under 3 years"

They drive past the St James Palace. ...

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

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An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Is...

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

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The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question...

A passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question.

​

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant, and stopped just 3 centimetres from a department store shop window.

...

I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."

Then I said, "turn Left"

A drunk man hails a taxi cab.

When the taxi pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, “Have you got room in here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?”

​

“Sure,” replies the driver.

​

The drunk man says, “Fantastic!” and thro...

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A nun gets into a cab

The cab driver sees her in the backseat and says "I have always had a fantasy about nuns."

She answers "you and everyone else! Are you a Catholic?"

Driver says yes, so she tells him to pull over.

She hops in the front seat and gives him the best blow job he ever had. She gets d...

A nun gets into a cab...

...and noticed that the *very* handsome cab driver was staring intensely at her.

“My child,” the nun said “is something the matter?”

“Well,” the cab driver started “I have a question to ask you, but I’m worried it might offend you.”

“My child, when you’re as old as I am, and be...

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One day a nun was standing at the side of the road waiting for a cab.

A can stopped and picked up the nun. During the drive, the nun noticed that the driver kept staring at her.

She asked him why and the driver said "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

The nun replied, "Child, you can't offend me. I've been a nun for 25 year...

My usual cab driver always goes the extra mile.

I’ve ought to get a new driver really.

*long*Muslim Extremist rides a Cab...

Extremist: Can I ask you a question?
Driver: Sure.

Extremist: Did they have radio in Prophet Muhammad's time?
Driver: No

Extremist: So why do you have it on?
Driver: *Turns off radio*

Extremist: Did they have Air-conditioning in Prophet Muhammad's time?
Driver: No...

Why are NSA agents great cab drivers?

Cause when you get in, they already know your name and address.

Why do cab drivers expect to be tipped?

I just don't think that's fare.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no av...

Why would you still take a cab instead of Uber?

Because I'm not going to ask my Uber driver where to get the best hookers in town .

A nun gets in a cab

And starts a conversation with the driver. After a long pause, the cab driver says to the nun “I have a question for you, I hope I don’t offend you”. The nun kindly said “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am, and a nun for as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just ...

A Nun has to take a cab

She gets into the cab and gives the driver the address she needs to go to.

About half way through the drive the cabbie looks at the Nun through the rearview mirror and says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to kiss a Nun.”

The Nun looks thoughtful for a moment before responding, “Are you...

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My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we...

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.


A preacher is next in line behind the cabby...

I was at a party the other day and a friend of mine showed up in a cab and he was super drunk

It really freaked out his passengers

Why did the cab-driving sith get arrested?

He was a Taxi Vader.

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Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city.

He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver:

'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200'

The cab...

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A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

Next time someone asks me to call them a cab

I'll say You're a cab.

Man to Drunk Friend: You'd better take a cab home.

Drunk Friend: My wife won't let me bring it into the house.

A cab driver picks up a Nun in New York...

There is this taxi driver in New York City nearing the end of his shift, but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night, so he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps l...

Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...

One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.

The fastest cab service in New York!

A man took a ny cab at night and the cab driver was speeding at exactly 100 mph and would not stop at red lights. Alarmed he asked the driver why and the driver said that it was a family business where they guaranteed the fastest service.

Oh ok..

So the man was shocked when at a green ...

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Late one evening, a Cab driver picks up a nun...

While driving her he says “sister, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I’ve always fantasised about being with a nun”. The nun says “oh, you and everyone else! I don’t suppose do you happen to be a Catholic by any chance?”. The cab driver says “yes, i am”. The nun tells the cab driver to pull ...

I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie

"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"

10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said

"Just tell her Larry sent you"

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Hooker in a cab...

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

A...

A drunk guy takes a cab

- Can you take us home?
- Us? You are alone!
- You are not coming?

Posh & Becks were in a cab in NY

Posh & Becks caught a cab outside JFK airport after a long flight from London and the cabbie was delighted when he realised who it was.
"You're David Beckham!" he exclaimed "Nice to meet you!"
"Thanks" said David "nice to meet you too".
During the ride the converstation turned to ...

I got so drunk last night that I had to take a cab home... you know, it was exciting."

"That was the first time I ever drove one."

An elderly lady takes a cab ride

When she gets to her destination the drìver says, "That'll be $15."
The old lady lifts up her skirt and says, "How about I pay you with this? "
"Aw jeez lady!" the driver says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest is taking a cab home from church

A priest is taking a cab home from church after a long day of services. It's night and it's raining heavily. Suddenly the taxi hits a pothole. The driver mutters under his breath "Fuck!" Seconds later, they hit another pothole and the driver says "Shit!" The priest has finally had enough,

"So...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun gets into a cab

As she's riding along, she notices the cabbie keeps eyeing her in the mirror. "Is something the matter?" She asks. Embarrassed the cabbie answers, " Well sister, I only have a few months left to live, and I've always fantasized about having sex with a nun. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be forward, but ...

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A woman and her son are in a cab

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Cab Driver’s Brother

A cab driver in Los Angeles was picking up a passenger from the airport.

Cab Driver: Where to?
Passenger: Universal Studios. Step on it.

The cab driver speeds past the other cars. He’s weaving through the traffic going well above the speed limit. The passenger is a little concerne...

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A NYC cab driver is en route to pick up a passenger at the stock exchange

On his way, he keeps door-checking stock traders as he goes by, laughing his ass off.

As he pulls up, he notices his customer is a priest, so he internally curses - he can't keep hitting stock brokers while he's got a man of God in the car with him.

They exchange pleasantries and leave...

A nun hails a taxi cab...

...as she settles into her seat she notices the taxi driver sneaking peaks at her through the rear-view mirror. She says, "my son, can I help you with something?" He says, "sister, I have to admit, I've had this fantasy of...kissing a nun". She replies, "Oh, my son, I can help you with that as long ...

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Dave and his bitch

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin ?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a wa...

I took a cab home the other night and thankfully everything ended fine!

Over the weekend, I was out drinking with some friends and we ended up finishing off the handful of beers with a couple shots before heading out. (Not a smart move, I know)

I was nervous about taking a cab home, but my friends all insisted it was in my best interest.

Sure enough, I wa...

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taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.

Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else u...

Why did so many KGB officers become cab drivers after the fall of the USSR?

It was very practical! You just had to tell them your name and they already knew your address.

Son - I'm late for work, can you call me a cab?

Dad - I don't know how that helps but

You're a cab.

I got drunk tonight at a Christmas party and took a cab home. I got lucky.

Just a few miles from the party, the police had setup a DUI checkpoint, but since this was a cab, they waived it through and I made it home safely.

This was a huge relief because I have never driven a cab before. They handle just like regular cars.

I think my wife is cheating on me.

As l returned home from a business trip a day early, concerned that my wife may be having an affair, l was riding in a taxi at about 2:00 am towards my house, so l explained my situation to the taxi driver.

While en route home l asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

l explained t...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

Why did the taxi driver sue the man who died in his cab?

Because life isn't fare.

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Jewish Cab Driver

Jewish Cab Driver:

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and...

I saw a refrigerator call a cab once

Guess he was tired of running.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my favorites from a New York cab driver...

A woman walks into an ice cream shop. The owner welcomes her and asks her what she'll have. The woman says, "Well, I know I shouldn't, but I think I'm going to have a scoop of chocolate!"

The owner looks pained and replies, "I'm really, really, really sorry ma'am, but we ran out of chocol...

Naked cab ride

Driving down the street a cabbie spots a naked woman flagging him down.He stops and picks her up. Where to? he asks and she gives him an address across town. They head off. After a couple of minutes he has to ask, Lady you ain't got no clothes on so you ain't got no money. How you gonna pay for the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cheating Wives

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house.


The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"


The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Muslim man in London catches a cab

A Muslim man in London catches a cab and tells the driver where to go. As they drive off, the cab driver turns the music on. The Muslim immediately takes objection:

"Excuse me sir, would you mind if you turned off the music?"

The taxi driver, alarmed asked why and the man said "Because...

A Priest and a NY Cab Driver died together and went to heaven

A Priest and a NY Cab Driver died together and went to heaven. They get to the pearly gates and an angel greets them. First the angel takes them to the NY cab drivers house in heaven. It's amazing it has marble floors a butler and maid and a swimming pool it's awesome, the Cab drivers thanks the ang...

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A young politician walks out his apartment and proceeds to enter the cab awaiting him.

The cab driver Vito greets him hello. "Good morning Mr. Russo." Vito has been driving the politician to work every day for the past two years. Before pulling away from the curb Vito looks back and says "It's kind of funny how every day after I drive you to work, my best friend Donny comes by 15 minu...

A blonde woman waves a cab

She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"

The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"

The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"

Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"

The woman smiles, leaves her lug...

Why did John F. Kennedy take a cab home?

Because he had too many shots.

Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab.

Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says "hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here"?

Annoyed, the cabbie says "sure"

the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH

A blind man gets in a cab on his way back from work,

and cracks down his window as it's a nice day. He and the driver make some small talk, when the driver eventually asks,

"Is it true that blind people have a better sense of smell than the rest of us?"

"Of course it is!" the blind man exclaims. "I'll prove it to you."

"Alright,"...

A British cab driver pulls up to the airport...

He sees a man waiting for a cab. The man has three eyes, no arms, and only one leg.
The cab driver says to him "Aye, aye, aye. You look 'armless. Hop in!"

A Cab Driver and a Priest

A Cab Driver and a Priest are going to Heaven. The Cab Driver steps up to St. Peter, states his name and how he died. St. Peter checks him off the lists, and turns around. He grabs a beautiful silken robe, and a golden staff encrusted in jewels, before turning back around. "Here, enjoy Heaven."
...

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Or What?

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Money-minded Cabbie!!

A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy sa...

A man hails a cab...

...and gets inside. The driver starts, and decides to mess with the man a little bit. "I'm actually a spy you know" he says to his passenger. "Really?" The passenger says. "Yeah, you see the man on that bike? I need to take him down" He speeds up a bit and right when he's about to hit the bike messe...

A guy is on the corner of the street waiting to hail a cab and he has a giant peach for a head...

Another man comes up to him and says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help but notice that you have a giant peach for a head; what's up with that?"

The man with a giant peach for a head responds "It's kind of a funny story actually."

He explains that on his last birthday a genie appeared to him ...

I was caught after ditching a cab without paying...

I was charged with Taxi Evasion.

If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument

a bank has just been robbed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband arrives home at 3 AM

His wife is waiting. Furious.

"Where have you been?"

"Honey I know you wouldn't believe me, but I was at work"

" 'till 3 AM??"

"And since I knew you wouldn't believe me - I brought my boss to explain everything"

In comes the husband's boss:

"Hi, Umm.. yes, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man in Vegas

A man takes a trip to Vegas. After a night of gambling he loses all of his money. Broke and penniless, he tries desperately to find a cab to the airport, so he can get home with the little money he has left. The man gets in a cab outside the casino and says to the driver "I don't have any money left...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest and a cab driver are walking up the steps to heaven ....

On the long way up, they start talking about their lives. Soon the priest realizes that there's no chance the cab driver will enter heaven: He starts feeling a little sorry for the poor fellow. Finally they arrive and knock on the door. The priest can't help but thinking what a shame the cab driver ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is looking for a birthday gift for her husband...

She goes all around town, to all the sporting stores, department stores, gadget/computer stores, can't find anything her husband would like or doesn't have.

She decides to go downtown and walks around looking at interesting boutique stores when she ends up walking into a very strange looking ...

A drunk man falls down the front steps of the W Hotel in New York.

He lands at the feet of a cab driver waiting for his next fare. The drunk man stands up and says, “Take me to the W Hotel!”

&#x200B;

The cabby looks at the drunk man and tells him, “Buddy, you’re at the W Hotel.”

&#x200B;

Perfect,” the man says, handing the driver...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two drunks are talking in a bar..

Man 1: "No matter what I do, my wife always seems to know when I get home. I'll have the cab turn his headlights off before I get home and park on the street, I take my shoes off before I get inside, don't turn on any lights, I change for bed in the kitchen then creep upstairs and she's ALWAYS waiti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the cab driver say when the black man got into his cab?

Where to sir?

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