UPJOKE
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Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

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taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.

Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else u...

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

A nun gets into a cab

She notices the cab driver staring at her and she asks, "Why are you staring?"

The cab driver replies, "I have a question, but I don't want to offend you."

The nun responds, "My son, you cannot offend me. I've been a nun for so long that I've seen and heard everything. I'm sure there's...

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A cab driver picks up a Nun...

The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, "Excuse me sister, I've always fantasised about having sex with a nun."

The nun replies, "Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?"

"Actually I am" says the cabbie.

The nun then climbs into the front seat and giv...

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How my husband and I terrified a cab driver,,,

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and the theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat sc...

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A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

David Beckham gets into a cab

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport. He notices the driver looks at him insistently in the rearview mirror. After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks

"Ok. At least give me a hint"

David Beckham sighs and says

"I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of t...

I was in a cab today and the cab driver said...

"I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said, "Turn left."

I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.

I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."

We ...

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A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you ...

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

Did you know Darth Vader’s cousin lives in Switzerland and drives a cab?

He’s called ‘Taxi Vader’

A priest dies and goes to Heaven...

Some time after he's arrived, he's noticed that one of the other people in Heaven, a New York City cab driver, was being treated with much more respect than he was.

So he went to the Lord and asked, "Lord, why is that man being treated much better than me when all he did for a living was dr...

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A priest is taking a cab home from church

A priest is taking a cab home from church after a long day of services. It's night and it's raining heavily. Suddenly the taxi hits a pothole. The driver mutters under his breath "Fuck!" Seconds later, they hit another pothole and the driver says "Shit!" The priest has finally had enough,

"So...

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

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A Priest takes a cab in New York City

A priest hails a cab in New York City during rush hour and as they're driving, the cabbie's cursing up a storm, flipping off other drivers, and nearly runs over a couple of pedestrians. The priest, uncomfortable with this, says "would you please stop doing this? I'm a man of god. Have some propriety...

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.


A preacher is next in line behind the cabby...

Hooker and the Cab Driver

A hooker hails a cab in NYC.

The cabbie says "where to mam"?

The hooker says "going home" gives him the address and they speed off.

After fighting through traffic for an hour, he finally gets her home; turns to her

and says "that'll be $80 please".

The hooker say...

My friend works as a cab driver in London

one day, while chatting, I asked him if he found problems adapting to driving on the other side of the road

"not really, no, but the biggest problem is that sometimes instead of spitting outside the window I spit on the customer sitting next to me"

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

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Hooker in a cab...

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

A...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...

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One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab...

A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everythi...

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

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John and the cab driver

One cold, winter evening John finished his office job in London Victoria and went straight to the pub. He had few drinks too many that night and decided to take a cab home, but when he looked in his wallet he only had last £20 inside. He approached a black cab outside the pub and asked how much woul...

A New Yorker Asks for a Cab Ride to Chicago

A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."

The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive...

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

A woman hailed a taxi cab...

She gets into the cab and tells the driver the destination. In the cab with her was a police officer who just finished his shift.


3 blocks away from her destination the woman realized that she left her wallet at home. At the next stop light she decides to make a run for it.


T...

A cab driver picked up a drunk...

The drunk climbed into the back seat. He asked the driver, "Do you have room for a crayfish and six bottles in the front?"

"Sure," said the cab driver.

So the drunk leaned over and threw up.

A guy walks into a cab and...

asks if it's ok to use hand sanitizer in the car. The driver says, "Sure. I haven't smelled anything in 2 weeks anyway."

So my cab driver went the extra mile for me the other day

I had to ask him to reverse as I didn't have enough money for the fare

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Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city.

He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver:

'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200'

The cab...

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Couple went to New York and hired a Cab.

He had a broad Southern accent
Cabbies
: "whhhherre are Yaaah
Frumm?"
Wife: "what is he sayin?"
Husband: "asking where we from"
Husband to cabbie: "London"

Cabbie:" whereeee inn Londonn?"
Wife:"what is he sayin?"
Husband to wife: "asking where from in London"
Husba...

Yo Momma so fat.......

When she travels by bus, it becomes a cab.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

A nun hails a taxi cab...

...as she settles into her seat she notices the taxi driver sneaking peaks at her through the rear-view mirror. She says, "my son, can I help you with something?" He says, "sister, I have to admit, I've had this fantasy of...kissing a nun". She replies, "Oh, my son, I can help you with that as long ...

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

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A boy an his grandfather ride a cab in Madrid.

They pass a road with lots of prostitutes waiting.

The boy asks his grandfather: "What are those women doing at the side of the road?"

"They wait for the bus" answers the grandfather.

"But Señor, we are in 21th century, tell your grandson the truth: those are prostitutes!", the ...

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A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie

"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"

10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said

"Just tell her Larry sent you"

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

After a night out on the town, a Jewish couple is taking a cab home.

When they arrive, the cabbie says, "That'll be $46, please."

The husband gives him a $50 bill and waits.

"I'm sorry, but I don't have change to give you." says the cabbie.

The husband says, "No worries, you can take us for a spin around the block a couple of times."

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A man arrives home at his local airport...

He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"

"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.

"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller

"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.

The nex...

A drunk man hails a taxi. When the cab pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, "Have you got room here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?" "Sure." replies the driver.

"Fantastic!" and throws up on the passenger seat.

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There's three cabs lined up on the side of the street

A guy walks by, talks to the first cab driver and says ''I'll give you 100$ if you suck me off'', the cab driver says ''Get the fuck outta here!''

The guy then goes to the second cab driver and makes the same request, the second cab driver then cussed him out as well

The guy then goes ...

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I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home.

I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home. Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us pass. After a while I made it home safely, which is surprising because I've never driven a cab.

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A Rabbi in NYC gets into a taxi and politely asks the driver to Midtown. Suddenly a man with a redneck with Swastika barges into the cab, slams the door and orders the driver to the airport. Furious the cab driver gets out, pulls the redneck out of the cab and proceeds to beat the hell out of him.

Meanwhile, the Rabbi is screaming Stop! Stop! Unfrazzled, the cab driver continues to beat the shit out of the redneck. A good 5 minutes goes on, the driver beating the redneck and the Rabbi pleading to stop. Finally the cab driver gets back into his taxi and asks the Rabbi "What's wrong with you? D...

The cab

A Jewish guy in New York City is in a cab. The cab is going down the street when the cabbie sees a guy on the sidewalk mugging a woman. The guy is hitting her and trying to grab her purse. The cabbie zooms to the side of the road and jumps out to go help the woman.

The Jewish guy rolls down t...

A man catches a cab in a new city

A man lands in a new city and catches a cab to the hotel. As they approach a red light, the cab driver keeps going, not stopping.

Man asks what’s going on?
Cab driver responds “oh don’t worry, my brother always runs through red lights.”

They keep going, and the cab driver doesn’t e...

What do you call a Turkish cab driver?

An Ottoman.

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Hitler didn't want to take a cab

He is more of an Ubermensch

A Nun has to take a cab

She gets into the cab and gives the driver the address she needs to go to.

About half way through the drive the cabbie looks at the Nun through the rearview mirror and says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to kiss a Nun.”

The Nun looks thoughtful for a moment before responding, “Are you...

A blonde woman waves a cab

She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"

The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"

The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"

Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"

The woman smiles, leaves her lug...

A businessman arrives in Boston and hails a cab at the airport.

Being a great lover of fish and hoping to try out a local speciality for dinner, he says to the driver, "Say, could you tell me please, where's the best place in town to get scrod?"

The cabbie says, "Well, sir, I must get asked that question ten thousand times a year, but never before in the ...

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One of my favorites from a New York cab driver...

A woman walks into an ice cream shop. The owner welcomes her and asks her what she'll have. The woman says, "Well, I know I shouldn't, but I think I'm going to have a scoop of chocolate!"

The owner looks pained and replies, "I'm really, really, really sorry ma'am, but we ran out of chocol...

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

A naked woman goes into a cab

The cabby stares at her and the woman sneered " What? Never seen a naked woman before?".
The guy replied, " I'm just wondering where's the money you're going to pay me."

Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...

One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.

If I ever have a rabbit, I’ll name him Cab Calloway.

Because if he ever gets scared, he’ll crawl into his Hi-Di-Hi-Di-Hi-Di-Hole!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

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A nun gets into a cab

As she's riding along, she notices the cabbie keeps eyeing her in the mirror. "Is something the matter?" She asks. Embarrassed the cabbie answers, " Well sister, I only have a few months left to live, and I've always fantasized about having sex with a nun. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be forward, but ...

Naked cab ride

Driving down the street a cabbie spots a naked woman flagging him down.He stops and picks her up. Where to? he asks and she gives him an address across town. They head off. After a couple of minutes he has to ask, Lady you ain't got no clothes on so you ain't got no money. How you gonna pay for the...

Why do cab drivers expect to be tipped?

I just don't think that's fare.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Why are NSA agents great cab drivers?

Cause when you get in, they already know your name and address.

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Late one evening, a Cab driver picks up a nun...

While driving her he says “sister, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I’ve always fantasised about being with a nun”. The nun says “oh, you and everyone else! I don’t suppose do you happen to be a Catholic by any chance?”. The cab driver says “yes, i am”. The nun tells the cab driver to pull ...

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It's Catherine and Michael's 15th Wedding Anniversary

>**Catherine:** "You know what, You've bought me enough jewelry the past 15 anniversaries, so this time I'm gonna make it all about you."

*Catherine decides to take Michael to a strip club as a special little gift. They arrive at the strip club, and are greeted by the bouncer at the do...

Next time someone asks me to call them a cab

I'll say You're a cab.

Posh & Becks were in a cab in NY

Posh & Becks caught a cab outside JFK airport after a long flight from London and the cabbie was delighted when he realised who it was.
"You're David Beckham!" he exclaimed "Nice to meet you!"
"Thanks" said David "nice to meet you too".
During the ride the converstation turned to ...

A Mom and Her Daughter ...

A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a ...

The fastest cab service in New York!

A man took a ny cab at night and the cab driver was speeding at exactly 100 mph and would not stop at red lights. Alarmed he asked the driver why and the driver said that it was a family business where they guaranteed the fastest service.

Oh ok..

So the man was shocked when at a green ...

Why did the cab-driving sith get arrested?

He was a Taxi Vader.

A cab driver picks up a Nun in New York...

There is this taxi driver in New York City nearing the end of his shift, but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night, so he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps l...

Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab.

Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says "hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here"?

Annoyed, the cabbie says "sure"

the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH

Why would you still take a cab instead of Uber?

Because I'm not going to ask my Uber driver where to get the best hookers in town .

A Cab Driver and a Priest

A Cab Driver and a Priest are going to Heaven. The Cab Driver steps up to St. Peter, states his name and how he died. St. Peter checks him off the lists, and turns around. He grabs a beautiful silken robe, and a golden staff encrusted in jewels, before turning back around. "Here, enjoy Heaven."
...

My usual cab driver always goes the extra mile.

I’ve ought to get a new driver really.

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Last night I got so shitfaced the bartender had to call me a cab.

I was uber drunk.

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The other night I was invited for a night out with the boys, and I told my wife I would be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed, and the Jameson shots went down a little too easy. Before I knew it, it was 3:45AM and I was plastered, so I quickly ordered a cab home.

Just as I walked in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckoo'd 4 times to signal 4AM. Quickly realizing my wife ...

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cab drivers

A woman and her 11 year old daughter are travelling late night by a cab. They pass by a red-light district. The daughter, not knowing they are prostitutes, is curious as to what the dressed up women are doing out so late on the streets.

The mother wanting to preserve her daughter's innocence,...

Man to Drunk Friend: You'd better take a cab home.

Drunk Friend: My wife won't let me bring it into the house.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

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A Muslim man in London catches a cab

A Muslim man in London catches a cab and tells the driver where to go. As they drive off, the cab driver turns the music on. The Muslim immediately takes objection:

"Excuse me sir, would you mind if you turned off the music?"

The taxi driver, alarmed asked why and the man said "Because...

I saw a refrigerator call a cab once

Guess he was tired of running.

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Three drunks gets into a taxi cab late at night

The driver figured out they were piss drunk, and decided to cheat the poor fellows. He turned the car on, and after few seconds turned it off. Driver turned back to them and says "We're here, that'll be $20".
Guy 1 - *Gives the driver money*
Guy 2 - "Thank you, thank... you... sir..." <...

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A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife...

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

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