This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So i was masturbating in my room upstairs when someone shouted that there was an emergency...

I came as fast as i could so i could get down there.

Michael Jordan is wheeled into the hospital for emergency surgery.

He’s brought into the operation room and meets his doctors, but he notices something strange. In the corner, there’s a stage being set up. An anesthesiologist is repeating jokes to herself and wiping her brow. The MRI techs are handling a soundboard in the back. The head surgeon is tuning a guitar b...

Why did the Mexican go to the Emergency Room (ER)?

Because of Hispanic attacks

Having someone respond to a medical emergency has gotten sooo expensive.

Maybe instead of sending a Para Medics they should only send one.

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

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A lady called her gynecologist and asked for an “emergency” appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the doctor’s office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.

"I won't stand for this"

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a...

...Flat Fee.

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What happened to the porn star who was admitted into the emergency room?

He went into stepsis.

An unknown number calls a man at work.

He immediately hangs up without saying anything.



His boss watches him do this and asks, "Why did you hang up?"



The man answers, "I didn't know the number".



His boss, seething with rage, shouts "CALL THEM BACK RIGHT NOW".



The man complie...

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care ...

"911, what's your emergency?"

Drunk redneck, "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"

911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"

Drunk redneck, "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."

911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "

...

Where do snowmen go in a medical emergency?

The ICY-U

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coat...

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors...

A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors, and suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”
Immediately, five people stand up...

A Blonde woman moves into a brand new neighbourhood,

The following evening her house catches fire and starts burning quickly, she quickly calls emergency services and gets put through to the fire department,
Blonde: Hello my house is burning down, you must come quickly.
Fire Chief: Ok no problem tell us where you live.
Blonde: It's a new h...

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“This is 911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.

“I masturbate too much,” the man replied.

“Sir, that’s not really a problem,” the operator said.

The man shouted, “Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.”

' 911, what's your emergency '

'Heyy, I know its been a week since Halloween is over But I'm seriously starting to doubt the body hanging from my neighbours tree is not a Decoration '

911: what's your emergency?

**pig:** a wolf just blew my house down!

**911:** HOLY SHI—

**pig:** I know right?

**911 [covering phone]:** Frank, theres a talking pig on the other line

What is an Emergency physician’s favorite cellular organelle?

The ER

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

A cosmonaut crash lands

A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really ba...

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation. Last time we did this we got out of the building in 43 seconds.

When the alarm went off today we all ran out, but I accidentally bumped a drill off one of the tables.

The supervisor said “We got 40 seconds so we have beaten our previo...

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

When the hospital asks who is to be notified in case of emergency

I always write, “A very good doctor”

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes the whole emergency room to get it out

Two hunters joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he...

Emergency!

The largest condom factory in the States burns down. President Trump is awoken at 4 am by the telephone.


"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the ...

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A zookeeper walks bowlegged into the emergency room....

...When the doctor finally sees him he asks "what seems to be the problem?" The zookeeper responds "I got fucked by an elephant doc". The zookeeper dropped his pants and bent over showing his asshole stretched out to the diameter of a hubcap. The doctor cried out in shock and said "I don't understan...

A guy lost his fingers in an accident at work.

He rushed to the hospital and made his way to the emergency ward.

When he arrived the doctor came in and said, "Not to fret, Mr. Roberts, with the technology of today and advances in medicine, we can easily reattach your fingers and you'll be able to return to work in a couple of days. Now.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house.

"It’s Dr. Gold," says his wife, passing him the phone, "I do hope it’s not another emergency."

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says, "Hi, what’s up?"

"Don’t worry, everything’s OK," replies Dr. Gold. "It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a firefighter not on the first floor of the fire station during an emergency?

A part time stripper

The reason Trump didn't declare a national emergency last week...

...is because he was spending his time learning two very big words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hospital emergency

A man has stuffed 12 plastic horses up his arse...

The doctor came in and said

"Your condition is pretty much stable"I

Rabbi fill in

A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.
The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the pri...

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.

Noticing he has a hardon, the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feelin...

What did Chuck Norris say after calling 911?

What's your emergency?

911 Operator: What's your emergency?

Me: This man keeps laughing at me!

Operator: That sounds annoying, but it isn't a crime.

Me: then what hell is manslaughter?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane made an emergency landing on water...

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The Air Hostess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused; so she asked the captain to help. The captain being knowledgeable and experienced, guided her:
1. Tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE.
2. Tell the Br...

Some say Trump is mentally unfit after declaring a national emergency?

However, it's all due to Hispanic attacks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

911: 911, what is your emergency?

Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter!

911: How do you know he was a painter?

Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job.

A man calls 911 in a hurry. "911, what's your emergency?" the operator asks. "My wife has just gone into labor," the man tells her.

"Is this her first-born child?" asks the operator.
"No," the man replies. "This is her husband."

Hey guys what do you call an emergency vehicle made out of potatoes?

A yambulance

My grandad died last year because we couldn’t find out his blood type for an emergency transfusion

He kept shouting “be positive” but it’s hard without him

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane emergency landed in the water, no one is willing to go on the life boat

The flight attendant then asks the captain what to do. The captain replied,

Tell the Americans that it is an "adventure"

Tell the English that it is a "honour"

Tell the French that it is "romantic"

Tell the German that it is "law"

Tell the Japanese that it is an "o...

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

What do you call two emergency doctors?

Paramedics.

My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail.

They called it a "Jury Summons."

In 2021 a man in the USA says to his child...

“You should go to college.”


“You should buy a house.”


“You should see a doctor.”


“You should buy a new car.”


“You should go to therapy.”


“You should find time to do things you enjoy.”


“You should save up six months of emergency mo...

"911, what's your emergency?"

*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*

"911 What Is Your Emergency?"

"For God's sake! Run here in my home, that a cat entered and a tragedy will happen!"

"A cat? Do you mean a thief?"

"No, a cat that meows!"

"But sir, a cat is harmless, unable to do any evil to anyone."

"For God's sake, he will kill me if you don't come, please run that th...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

911 What's your emergency?

**Kangaroo:** I CAN'T FIND MY KIDS!

**911:** Did you check your pockets?

**Kangaroo *[pats pocket]*:** Oh... nevermind.

Emergency dispatchers never work outside.

It’s because 911 is an inside job.

A submarine sounds the emergency alarm

“What is it? cries the captain.

“It’s the navigation, sir” replies the commander. “I can’t get our bearings! There don’t seem to be any continents in this region!”

And that’s why this sub went down. A lack of a regional continent.

I just read an interesting new warning on my shower cleaner:

"Keep this and all cleaning products away from children. If swallowed, get emergency psychiatric help and regurgitate the children before they are digested."

A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake.

They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she’s unconscious.

The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.

“999.”

The Englishman replies, “fine, I’ll call them myself.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy

.

>!gf is prego!<

>!we like to get kinky anyways!<

>!one night things get particularly saucy!<

>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<

>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob...

A Russian Joke

People start starving and getting mad at Nikita Khrushchev.

He gets his hammer and breaks the *in case of emergency* glass, inside there are two letters from Stalin.

He opens the first one, it says "Blame everything on me."

This works great. For a while.

Soon, everyone is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lumberjack in the emergency room

So the lumberjack had a slight accident with his chainsaw and went to the ER to get his leg stitched up. The attendant asks him would he like some anesthetic, but he says
"Naw, this is only the third worst pain of my life."
Attendant: "OMG! What was the second worst pain?"
LJ: "I was i...

A rabbi, a priest and a minister want to see who is best at their job...

So they decide to go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few days later, the the priest and the minister bump into each other at the hospital, where each person is being treated for their particular injuries. They then tell each other about their experience.

The prie...

A polish pilot is going in for a landing when he realizes the runway is not long enough. After putting on the emergency breaks he screeches to a halt, missing the airport with the nose of the plane by mere feet.

The enraged pilot told the reporters later on "This is an obvious design flaw in American airports, why the hell would they make the landing strips so short? Or so unbelievably wide!?"

On July 22nd I went to the hospital emergency room thinking I had a Cancer.

Labour took longer than expected however and instead I had a Leo on July 23rd

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

Snail and the Tortoise

Once a tortoise and a snail bumped into each other.
The snail was profusely injured and was taken to the hospital emergency.
When the snail was in a position to talk, he was surrounded by members of the press asking him
"Mr. Snail, could ypu please tell us how this happened?".
The snail...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck calls emergency services

...and he tells the operator "Hey there, Ah just ran into a pig with my pickup truck and he's all kicking around and squealing and shit".

And the operator says "All right, do you have a gun in your truck?" and the redneck says "Ah sure do" and the operator says "In that case I think you oug...

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the young doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming and yelling. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.

After listening to her story, he calmed her down and asked h...

An elephant escapes from the circus

It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police

"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator

"There is so...

A patient is being seen by her doctor for an emergency visit...

"Doctor," croaks the patient, barely able to speak, "I'm in terrible pain! I made one of those frozen pizzas, and then ate it before it cooled down. I burned my throat terribly!"

The doctor, skeptical, checks the patient's mouth. He's shocked to see *extensive* burns throughout her mouth, and...

Almost every phone in the US got an emergency presidential alert today....

Unfortunately it was two years too late

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

Me: I’m so cold

Operator: OMG stay conscious

Me: no the fridge door is open

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well....I'm at the emergency room

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I decided to go ride a horse. The horse made a sudden jerk and reared up, and I couldn't hold on. I fell off, and my foot got caught in the stirrup. The horse kept bucking and running, and was dragging me and wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager of the groce...

"911, what's your emergency?"

"I just came home to find a body in a puddle of blood in the street in front of my house!"

"Is it moving?"

"Yes, it's quite an emotional scene."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan.

Right before they’re about to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers. During the distraction, they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Emergency pilot

An aircraft is in flight when all of a sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot. Having heard the crash a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened. Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened. S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A woman is pregnant with triplets...

One day whilst out walking, she is caught in the middle of a shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.

The woman eventually e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. Th...

Eucalyptus street

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Man: A guy just got hit by a car, I need an ambulance.
Operator: What's your location?
Man: I'm on Eucalyptus street.
Operator: Can you spell that for me?
Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?
Man: I'm gonna drag him over t...

911 operator: What’s your emergency?

Me: Um, I think my crush gave me the wrong number.
911 operator: Well, what number did she give you?
Me: this one

Why do Christian Priests never have backup strategies when it comes to emergency scenarios?

Because they're not fans of Plan B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman took a flight for the first time

A while into the flight the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her, rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make ...

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911 what's your emergency?" the operator asks.

"I'm smoking." replied a middle-aged woman.

"Sorry, ma'am but you shouldn't be calling 911. Please contact an expert if you need help." The operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

"911, what's your emergency?" t...

In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has ...

Why do we do shorten emergency brake to e-brake, but we don't shorten parking brake to p-brake?

Because it's really inconvenient to have a p-brake while you're driving.

Bear Grylls taught me that in an emergency situation, one can survive by drinking their own urine.

Thankfully Reddit came back on before I could fill the can

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time...

A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time. Just before, the wife looks at her vagina for the first time in years and sees that it is very large. Worried, she calls her mother. Her mother says it runs in the family, and that she should layer the inside of it wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What steps would you take in case of a fire emergency?

I was at an emergency training today and got asked the question "What steps would you take in case of a fire emergency?"...

Apparently, "Fucking big ones" is not the right answer.

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