The 120+ Best Vehicle Jokes

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

Why do the Russians put Z on all their military vehicles?

Because sooner or later they will all belong to Zelensky

God tells these 3 guys that the vehicle they'll be driving around in heaven will be a reflection of how faithful they were to their wives

The first guy was cheating on his wife like every month, so God gave him a Chevy to drive around in heaven.

The second guy cheated on his wife once or twice over the years, but overall was pretty faithful, so God gave him an Acura to drive around in heaven.

The third guy never cheated ...

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

A man parks a beat up, rusty Plymouth right in front of the Capitol. One of the guards walks up to him and says: "Sir, please move this vehicle. This is the Capitol Hill, congressmen, senators and even the President frequent this area."

The Plymouth driver replies "I ain't scared, I got an alarm!"

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An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

O...

Honda is coming out with the 1st electric vehicle with wireless charging

It’s called the Honda Accordless

A man is driving home from work behind a transport vehicle.

A large box of tacks flies off the back of the large, transport vehicle and into the middle of the lane. The man swerves out of the way to avoid the tacks and is consequently pulled over by a highway patrolman. The highway patrolman asks the man why he thinks he was pulled over.

The man, exas...

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

Why did the police search Dr. Huxtable’s vehicle?

They had probable Cosby.

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.

“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..

“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” s...

A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...

Best vehicle from their country.

The devil told a Pole, a German and a Russian to bring the best vehicle from their country. The first one is a Pole with a small car (Maluch). The devil told him to break it. The Pole kicked once and the car fell apart. The second one is a German in a Mercedes. Kicks the car and nothing. He grabbed ...

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an elephant is walking through the jungle when he realizes he's stuck in quicksand and sinking

He reaches out with his trunk and grabs a branch. He attempts to haul himself in but the branch brakes and he begins sinking even quicker. The elephant begins yelling for help and a Mouse runs up
"What's wrong Mr elephant?" said the mouse
" I am stuck in quicksand and sinking to my Doom.pleas...

Why are women so bad at backing up their vehicles?

Because we're constantly lied to about how long 6 inches is.

How did the small bear looking creature get home after his vehicle died?

Ewok'd the rest of the way.

Due to the rise of autonomous vehicles

It's only a matter of time until a country singer makes a song about his truck leaving them.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

Why did the art thief's vehicle run out of gas?

He had no Monet,
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

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The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.

Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.

Do you feel Nauseous while filling up your vehicle?

Dizzy when you go in to pay?

You might be suffering from CarOwner Virus.

What do you call a superstitious construction vehicle that has a gross physique?

Icky-bod Crane

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

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My sexy date said she'd be impressed if I did something funny to the local farmer's vehicle.

I did whatever I could to a tractor.

Dateline GOTHAM CITY, December 24th:

Alarms went off this evening when Batman was booked for a possible DUI after leaving the City Hall Christmas Soirée. The caped crusader tore out the entire steering column on his heavily modified sports car while driving recklessly in pursuit of The Joker, who fled the area. Officers noted that he “...

I love these definitions!

\-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

\-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

\-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

\-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. ...

"Hello, I need to make an insurance claim, a fish have damaged my car."

-"... a fish? We'll have to inspect the vehicle first. Where is it parked?"

-"In the lake."

Which vehicle is a transformer?

Cargo ship.

You Know You're A Northneck (Northern Redneck) If......

Your rusty vehicle's resale value only goes up if you remember to put the snow tires on them during the winter.

You ever got into a shouting match based on which college hockey team you're a fan of.

You've ever used expired gas station sushi as bait for ice fishing.

(You're re...

What's the most common vehicle used to run men over?

The menstrual cycle!

What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?

A big toe-truck

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.

They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.

"Sir, do you know this woman?"

"Yes it's my wife"

(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it loo...

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A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:
“Name please.”
“Erm, it’s Johnny Wankenbrake.”
“Wanking-Break?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, Address?”
“Well, my address is my work: Filthy Fingers Films on the Industrial Estate.”
“Right, look buddy, I’m not putting that in a report, take it easy - ...

What do Russian stock traders and Military vehicles have in common

They stopped working

I was pulled over by a policeman in Texas

He asked if I had any weapons in the vehicle. I told him I didn’t.

He then took out his gun out of its holster and said “here, you should never travel without a gun in Texas” and took off.

This vehicle stopped on a dime.

Unfortunately, the dime was in Joey's pocket

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

A man bought himself an expensive new car

He was a superstitious fellow and wanted to keep anything bad from happening, so he invited a priest, an imam and a rabbi over to bless the vehicle.

First, the priest sprinkled holy water on the hood.

Next, the imam led everyone in a prayer to the vehicles' greatness.

Then final...

What vehicle is the worst kind of gas guzzler?

A hiccup truck.

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The Accident

I was driving down I-35 last Tuesday , not really paying attention , and I failed to notice that traffic had stopped. I slammed the brakes , but it was too late and I rear ended the vehicle in front of me.

A young woman stepped out of the car , scowled at me , and yelled "Well , ram me in the...

A snail decides he wants to be a racer...

So he employs a pit crew, a coach, and a designer. The designer paints a big 'S' on the side of his vehicle which the snail highly approves of.

He tries out at a local track, and starts overtaking all the other amateurs much faster than anyone else.

The coach stares and says 'Look at...

What do you call a vehicle that just wants to greet people?

A hellocopter

Where do Detectives park their vehicles?

Undercover.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

A deaf man had a bike helmet that would vibrate if there was a loud noise from behind him to alert him of any vehicle’s presence

I guess you could call it his handy cap

My friends vehicle was stolen...

Where did Vincent's Van Go?

Don't trust anyone that drives an electric vehicle

They're shiftless.

I was hit by a stationary vehicle the other day,

luckily it wasn't carrying any scissors

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putin walks into a meeting with all his top generals and demands "How is my special operation against Ukraine and NATO Nazis going!?"

The generals all look at each other nervously

"Well...." demands putin "tell me now!!"

The top general stands and says "Well we have been fighting for 4 weeks. We have lost over 15,000 brave soldiers, 6 generals, over 500 tanks and fighting vehicles, 3 ships, 100 planes and drones and ...

Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

What do you tell someone who just lost their vehicle?

“Walk it off”

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

Did you hear about the guy building an electric vehicle in a tree

I’m gonna go out on a limb

and say he succeeds

What do you call vehicles falling from the sky?

Van Halen

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A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

What sound does a witch's vehicle make? [OC]

Brrrrroooom brrrrroooom!

A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"

*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*

Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?

Man: Yes, absolutely.

Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to ple...

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

Why did the snail paint a big S on the side of his vehicle?

So when he drove by people would say "look at that S car go!"

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Apparently, someone gets hit by a vehicle every 60 seconds

Poor bastard

What's a cowboy's favorite vehicle?

Audi, partner.

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

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A lady walks into a car dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a salesperson doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pl...

What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa?

Outtagascar

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde were all in a car driving down an empty road that stretched for miles alongside a farm.

“Drive faster!” Entices the Redhead.

The car picks up speed.

“Fassterrr!!” Demanding the Blonde...

Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicle who resigned on Tuesday?

He tried to resign on Monday, but found he'd been standing in the wrong line.

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

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A funeral procession, making its way alongside a river, fell in. With a great splash, the vehicle carrying the coffin disappeared, then reemerged.

You know what they say: you can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.

My mate has invented an invisible vehicle (OC)

I asked him 'What, like a car?'

'Not really' he replied 'It's more van-ish than that'

Why do French military vehicles have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the front lines

What do people with foot fetishes and recovery vehicle drivers have in common?

Tow (toe) jobs

An old man driving along sees a police vehicle behind him.

He puts the foot down and takes off! Sure enough, the police vehicle lights are activated and the police give chase.

After a while the man thinks “I’m too old for this, what am I doing?” And sensibly pulls over to the side of the road. The police pull in behind him.

A policeman appro...

My new vehicle came with a dispenser that makes sweet tea forever...

It’s a Infinite-tea.

Hey guys what do you call an emergency vehicle made out of potatoes?

A yambulance

The Amish Man at the Tollbooth

An Amish man was going along in his horse-drawn buggy when he arrived at a tollbooth. The tollbooth operator said it would be $5 to proceed. The Amish man said he thought that only applied to cars, and the operator explained that in fact, it applied to all vehicles.

So the man turned ...

What type of military vehicle to fish go to war in?

A fish tank

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

A man gets in a terrible car crash and his vehicle ends up going off the side of a mountain.

It was snowing and the man had broken his leg, lucky for him a group of monks were on the way back to their monastery so they took him with them. While they were healing the man they kept taking him on walks to make sure his leg was healing fine. On his walks he would always pass a golden door, it w...

What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving?

Van Gogh!

What do you call a person who breaks into a house, steals food and drinks, and leaves in a getaway vehicle?

Santa Claus.

How do you say angry vehicle in Italian?

Madagascar.

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Burned my lips kissing my vehicle on a hot summer day.

Kar-muah is a bitch.

What kind of vehicle does a virus drive ?

I'm not sure, but I hear this virus is a car owner

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Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

What type of vehicle does a rural boy with synchronous diaphragmatic flutter drive?

A hiccup truck

What is Yoda's transport vehicle called?

Toyoda

You know how men who drive really expensive or large vehicles must be compensating?

What does that say about men who ride bicycles around?

Or men who just walk to where they're going?

A hitchiker is taken by an elderly couple in an RV. During the trip, the husband, driving the vehicle, says "152", and the couple laughs. Then the wife says "365" and they also laugh.

The hitchhiker then asks "What's the deal with these numbers?"

The old man replies: "We've been telling each other jokes for such a long time that we memorized and numbered them all, and now only refer to them by numbers."

A few minutes after hearing that, the hitchhiker says "984", an...

At the old junkyard some rusted vehicles were talking

The convertible race car looked around at everyone and said "Lets get out of here and go for a ride down the highway one last time."

The bicycle said "I can't I am just two tired".

The Unicycle and Tricycle at the same time exclaimed "We aren't two tired!"

The Motorcycle replies...

The 2020 Land Rover Defender is the best off-road vehicle ever made.

It’s always in the shop, so it can’t be on-road.

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The police be like "sir, please step out of the vehicle, we're looking for drugs"

No shit, me too... Let's go!

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

•What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?

Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

There was a horrible smell coming from my vehicle and I discovered a decaying parsnip in the boot...

I took it to the mechanic and he said it appears to be a carrot

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

Why do Ford vehicles have heated rear bumpers?

To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

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The night Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's penis, she drove a distance then tossed the 'apendage' out of her car window, striking the windshield of a vehicle driving in the opposite direction.

"Christ! Did you see the size of that bug?" To which the passenger replied, "No, but damn, it had an enormous dick!"

How does a musician make their vehicles more aerodynamic?

They remove the delivery sign

Did you hear about the really boring demonstration on unmanned aerial vehicles?

The guy droned for at least an hour.

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

What happens when Frogs park their vehicles illegally?

They get TOAD

What's the best vehicle for watching movies?

ATV

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What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

Due to COVID-19, truck dealerships have moved sales of their vehicles out of their buildings and onto the streets.

They’re calling the new service:

Curbside pickup.

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

What do you call a chicken in a moving vehicle?

Poultry in motion.

I try to keep up with large vehicle emission standards

But idling busses are exhausting.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to make a vehicle out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

What's a Redditor's favorite kind of vehicle, favorite kind of food, and favorite kind of teacher all in one word?

A sub

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car……

found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”.
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran lik...

So I hit another vehicles bumper the other day, so we both pulled over to the side of the road. The driver got out. I noticed he was a dwarf, he shouted, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "then which one are you?"

A general is inspecting the drydock where an advanced prototype is in the final stages of commissioning.

The project manager excitedly explains how the attack submarine will be much faster than an enemy due to an innovative design which drastically reduces drag forces. The general asks how progress is coming along.

The manager replies, “The propulsion system is complete, I think it's ready for ...

What is a dog in a vehicle?

A carpet.

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