The 119+ Best Vehicle Jokes

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

God tells these 3 guys that the vehicle they'll be driving around in heaven will be a reflection of how faithful they were to their wives

The first guy was cheating on his wife like every month, so God gave him a Chevy to drive around in heaven.

The second guy cheated on his wife once or twice over the years, but overall was pretty faithful, so God gave him an Acura to drive around in heaven.

The third guy never cheated ...

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

Why do the Russians put Z on all their military vehicles?

Because sooner or later they will all belong to Zelensky

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

Honda is coming out with the 1st electric vehicle with wireless charging

It’s called the Honda Accordless

A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"

*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*

Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?

Man: Yes, absolutely.

Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to ple...

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

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An older woman (around age 47) gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the vehicle, she rolls down her window

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk drivin...

What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa?

Outtagascar

Why are women so bad at backing up their vehicles?

Because we're constantly lied to about how long 6 inches is.

What vehicle gets into most car accidents?

A Dodge Ram.

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

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I was driving down I-35 last Tuesday, not really paying attention, and I failed to notice that traffic had stopped. I slammed the brakes, but it was too late and I rear ended the vehicle in front of me.

A young woman stepped out of the car , scowled at me , and yelled "Well, ram me in the ass as hard as you can, why don't you?"

Later, I told the judge that this was the precise moment that the miscommunication began.

What sound does a witches vehicle make?

BROOM BROOM

A man parks a beat up, rusty Plymouth right in front of the Capitol. One of the guards walks up to him and says: "Sir, please move this vehicle. This is the Capitol Hill, congressmen, senators and even the President frequent this area."

The Plymouth driver replies "I ain't scared, I got an alarm!"

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.

They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.

"Sir, do you know this woman?"

"Yes it's my wife"

(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it loo...

What do you call a vehicle that just wants to greet people?

A hellocopter

Why did the art thief's vehicle run out of gas?

He had no Monet,
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.

A man is driving home from work behind a transport vehicle.

A large box of tacks flies off the back of the large, transport vehicle and into the middle of the lane. The man swerves out of the way to avoid the tacks and is consequently pulled over by a highway patrolman. The highway patrolman asks the man why he thinks he was pulled over.

The man, exas...

Why did the police search Dr. Huxtable’s vehicle?

They had probable Cosby.

Best vehicle from their country.

The devil told a Pole, a German and a Russian to bring the best vehicle from their country. The first one is a Pole with a small car (Maluch). The devil told him to break it. The Pole kicked once and the car fell apart. The second one is a German in a Mercedes. Kicks the car and nothing. He grabbed ...

How did the small bear looking creature get home after his vehicle died?

Ewok'd the rest of the way.

Has heard about the new vehicle powered by urine?

Apparently you can't get it there, as only European models are available

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My sexy date said she'd be impressed if I did something funny to the local farmer's vehicle.

I did whatever I could to a tractor.

Do you feel Nauseous while filling up your vehicle?

Dizzy when you go in to pay?

You might be suffering from CarOwner Virus.

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A lawyer gets pulled over

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete s...

What do you call a superstitious construction vehicle that has a gross physique?

Icky-bod Crane

What's the most common vehicle used to run men over?

The menstrual cycle!

What do Russian stock traders and Military vehicles have in common

They stopped working

Which vehicle is a transformer?

Cargo ship.

Woman visits a bank on downtown NYC...

...and asks for a short-term $10,000 loan. Banker asks her for collateral, and she hands him the keys to her Mercedes. She says she's going on a vacation, and will return the following week to repay the debt and retrieve her car.

Week later, she picks up the vehicle and pays back the loan, pl...

This vehicle stopped on a dime.

Unfortunately, the dime was in Joey's pocket

What vehicle is the worst kind of gas guzzler?

A hiccup truck.

What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?

A spores car!

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Apparently, someone gets hit by a vehicle every 60 seconds

Poor bastard

What's a cowboy's favorite vehicle?

Audi, partner.

Did you hear about the candy vehicles from another planet?

They were Mars Bars Mars Cars

My friends vehicle was stolen...

Where did Vincent's Van Go?

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

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A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

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A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:
“Name please.”
“Erm, it’s Johnny Wankenbrake.”
“Wanking-Break?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, Address?”
“Well, my address is my work: Filthy Fingers Films on the Industrial Estate.”
“Right, look buddy, I’m not putting that in a report, take it easy - ...

A deaf man had a bike helmet that would vibrate if there was a loud noise from behind him to alert him of any vehicle’s presence

I guess you could call it his handy cap

I was hit by a stationary vehicle the other day,

luckily it wasn't carrying any scissors

Don't trust anyone that drives an electric vehicle

They're shiftless.

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

Where do Detectives park their vehicles?

Undercover.

Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

Did you hear about the guy building an electric vehicle in a tree

I’m gonna go out on a limb

and say he succeeds

What vehicle did Michael Jackson drive?

(Imagine his voice with the crotch grab)

A Kia Sedona!

Why do Ford vehicles have heated rear bumpers?

To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

What do you call vehicles falling from the sky?

Van Halen

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A funeral procession, making its way alongside a river, fell in. With a great splash, the vehicle carrying the coffin disappeared, then reemerged.

You know what they say: you can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.

Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicle who resigned on Tuesday?

He tried to resign on Monday, but found he'd been standing in the wrong line.

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

My mate has invented an invisible vehicle (OC)

I asked him 'What, like a car?'

'Not really' he replied 'It's more van-ish than that'

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A driver slows down for a stop sign but he doesn’t actually stop

A cop sees him and pulls him over. The driver says “is there a problem, officer?” The cop said “you just ran a stop sign back there”. The driver said, “what are you talking about? I slowed down.” The cop replied “but you didn’t actually stop.” The driver said “slow, stop, what’s the diff?” The cop r...

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

What do people with foot fetishes and recovery vehicle drivers have in common?

Tow (toe) jobs

My new vehicle came with a dispenser that makes sweet tea forever...

It’s a Infinite-tea.

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

A man gets in a terrible car crash and his vehicle ends up going off the side of a mountain.

It was snowing and the man had broken his leg, lucky for him a group of monks were on the way back to their monastery so they took him with them. While they were healing the man they kept taking him on walks to make sure his leg was healing fine. On his walks he would always pass a golden door, it w...

What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving?

Van Gogh!

An old man driving along sees a police vehicle behind him.

He puts the foot down and takes off! Sure enough, the police vehicle lights are activated and the police give chase.

After a while the man thinks “I’m too old for this, what am I doing?” And sensibly pulls over to the side of the road. The police pull in behind him.

A policeman appro...

Why do French military vehicles have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the front lines

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Burned my lips kissing my vehicle on a hot summer day.

Kar-muah is a bitch.

What do you call a vehicle that's out of your price range?

A ford

Hey guys what do you call an emergency vehicle made out of potatoes?

A yambulance

What type of military vehicle to fish go to war in?

A fish tank

How do you say angry vehicle in Italian?

Madagascar.

What do you call a person who breaks into a house, steals food and drinks, and leaves in a getaway vehicle?

Santa Claus.

What kind of vehicle does a virus drive ?

I'm not sure, but I hear this virus is a car owner

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

A hitchiker is taken by an elderly couple in an RV. During the trip, the husband, driving the vehicle, says "152", and the couple laughs. Then the wife says "365" and they also laugh.

The hitchhiker then asks "What's the deal with these numbers?"

The old man replies: "We've been telling each other jokes for such a long time that we memorized and numbered them all, and now only refer to them by numbers."

A few minutes after hearing that, the hitchhiker says "984", an...

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

What type of vehicle does a rural boy with synchronous diaphragmatic flutter drive?

A hiccup truck

•What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?

Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

What is Yoda's transport vehicle called?

Toyoda

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each oth...

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John gets pulled over for speeding

John: Howdy officer, is there a problem?

Officer: You were speeding, sir. License and registration

John: Dude, I got no license

Officer: You're driving without a license?

John: hell yeah!

Officer: And registration?

John: I jacked this car!

Officer: Ar...

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The night Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's penis, she drove a distance then tossed the 'apendage' out of her car window, striking the windshield of a vehicle driving in the opposite direction.

"Christ! Did you see the size of that bug?" To which the passenger replied, "No, but damn, it had an enormous dick!"

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

How does a musician make their vehicles more aerodynamic?

They remove the delivery sign

At the old junkyard some rusted vehicles were talking

The convertible race car looked around at everyone and said "Lets get out of here and go for a ride down the highway one last time."

The bicycle said "I can't I am just two tired".

The Unicycle and Tricycle at the same time exclaimed "We aren't two tired!"

The Motorcycle replies...

Did you hear about the really boring demonstration on unmanned aerial vehicles?

The guy droned for at least an hour.

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...

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What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

What's the best vehicle for watching movies?

ATV

I try to keep up with large vehicle emission standards

But idling busses are exhausting.

What do you call a chicken in a moving vehicle?

Poultry in motion.

What happens when Frogs park their vehicles illegally?

They get TOAD

What do you call a large vehicle that hauls vegetables?

The short bus.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to make a vehicle out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

What's a Redditor's favorite kind of vehicle, favorite kind of food, and favorite kind of teacher all in one word?

A sub

Due to COVID-19, truck dealerships have moved sales of their vehicles out of their buildings and onto the streets.

They’re calling the new service:

Curbside pickup.

What was the smartest vehicle ?

Stephen Hawking

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

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putin walks into a meeting with all his top generals and demands "How is my special operation against Ukraine and NATO Nazis going!?"

The generals all look at each other nervously

"Well...." demands putin "tell me now!!"

The top general stands and says "Well we have been fighting for 4 weeks. We have lost over 15,000 brave soldiers, 6 generals, over 500 tanks and fighting vehicles, 3 ships, 100 planes and drones and ...

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

What is a dog in a vehicle?

A carpet.

Apple is developing a product—invented by Bart Simpson—that cleans your vehicle.

The iCaroomba

My local park doesn't allow wheeled vehicles inside.

Today a group of people are protesting this rule by driving a huge cart through the park. At first I didn't like the idea but I changed my mind and jumped on the banned wagon.

What is a scarecrows vehicle of choice?

An Autumn mobile

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Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second ...

Why did the mover have Starry Night painted on his vehicle?

He wanted everyone to look at his Van Gogh.

A priest offered to give a nun a ride (in his vehicle)

A priest offered to give a nun a lift. She got in, and crossed her legs, forcing her gown up and revealing a bit of leg.

Out of shock, the priest nearly lost control of his vehicle, swerved aggressively, and managed to re-stabilize the car.

Once he was driving safely again, he stealth...

So I hit another vehicles bumper the other day, so we both pulled over to the side of the road. The driver got out. I noticed he was a dwarf, he shouted, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "then which one are you?"

A man approached what was certainly a bad vehicle accident.

It seemed that a bus had been hit by a truck belonging to a major company. Strewn about on the ground were a dozen bus passengers. The man asked one of the passengers, “Has anybody from the insurance company been here yet?” The passenger shook his head from side to side. The man continued, “Good, th...

A friend bet me that I couldn't turn spaghetti into a motor vehicle

She was really mad when I drove pasta

The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret.

It tanked.

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