Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

What's a cowboy's favorite vehicle?

Audi, partner.

I hate flying vehicles.

A lot of them are so plane.

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The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.

Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.

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What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

An old man driving along sees a police vehicle behind him.

He puts the foot down and takes off! Sure enough, the police vehicle lights are activated and the police give chase.

After a while the man thinks “I’m too old for this, what am I doing?” And sensibly pulls over to the side of the road. The police pull in behind him.

A policeman appro...

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter decides which vehicle to give them.

“Heaven is a big place,” he says. “You’ll need something to get around. What I give you is based on how well you treated your marriage on Earth.”

The first guy says, “Marriage was difficult for me. We both had affairs and eventually got divorced after 10 years. But I still tried to live a goo...

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An undertaker buys 2 vehicles and decides to get custom number plates.

He makes one "HIS" and the other "HEARSE".

If two wheeled vehicles make you angry, are you bi-furious?

You know, just asking for a friend...

The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles cleverly called Formula Zero,

or GTF0.

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Apparently, someone gets hit by a vehicle every 60 seconds

Poor bastard

A car mechanic had noticed something peculiar about the vehicles he was servicing.

It seemed to him that the German cars his customers brought in had more pronounced undersides than non-German ones. Audis were the worst offenders, and he was getting annoyed at how often he would have to work on cars that had less space for him to work between them and the ground.

One day, h...

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

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I'm sick of people speeding through my residential neighbourhood in their obnoxiously loud tricked-out vehicles

Fucking ambulances

What happens when Frogs park their vehicles illegally?

They get TOAD

So I hit another vehicles bumper the other day, so we both pulled over to the side of the road. The driver got out. I noticed he was a dwarf, he shouted, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "then which one are you?"

What do you call an LGBTQ vehicle?

A BI-cycle

"He drives a 300k vehicle. He must be rich."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

What was the smartest vehicle ?

Stephen Hawking

What do vehicles do in discos?

They brake-dance

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to make a vehicle out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

What's a Redditor's favorite kind of vehicle, favorite kind of food, and favorite kind of teacher all in one word?

A sub

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

What's the best vehicle for watching movies?

ATV

Why did the mover have Starry Night painted on his vehicle?

He wanted everyone to look at his Van Gogh.

A new study has found that 98% of vehicular collisions with crows in Boston involve trucks and other large vehicles

Apparently they can all yell “cah, cah,” but not “bus, bus.”

With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

"Heck yeah, I'll marry him! He drives a 400k vehicle, gets paid to travel, and is adorned by the business crowd."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

Apple is developing a product—invented by Bart Simpson—that cleans your vehicle.

The iCaroomba

A hitchiker is taken by an elderly couple in an RV. During the trip, the husband, driving the vehicle, says "152", and the couple laughs. Then the wife says "365" and they also laugh.

The hitchhiker then asks "What's the deal with these numbers?"

The old man replies: "We've been telling each other jokes for such a long time that we memorized and numbered them all, and now only refer to them by numbers."

A few minutes after hearing that, the hitchhiker says "984", an...

I've decided to buy a hybrid vehicle.

It's the front of one welded to the back of another.

A man approached what was certainly a bad vehicle accident.

It seemed that a bus had been hit by a truck belonging to a major company. Strewn about on the ground were a dozen bus passengers. The man asked one of the passengers, “Has anybody from the insurance company been here yet?” The passenger shook his head from side to side. The man continued, “Good, th...

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

I like my vehicles just like my violence

Domestic

What do you call a farm vehicle that is exceptional at finding the right angle?

A pro-tractor

My car broke down on the side of the road at night. Just my luck, some shady hoodlums approached my vehicle after only a few minutes...

What a relief, they totally jumped me!

The University of Kansas football program just traded in all their company vehicles for new ones...

They wanted Les Miles

What is a dog in a vehicle?

A carpet.

What is a scarecrows vehicle of choice?

An Autumn mobile

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

What did the art thief's say when they jumped in the getaway vehicle after a heist?

Van Gogh

A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"



*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*



Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?



Man: Yes, absolutely.



Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to ple...

When you grow up poor like I did, it's not unusual to be in your twenties without a vehicle or licence...

You just sort of learn to run with it.

The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret.

It tanked.

For my birthday, my mother gave me a vehicle

"Thanks for the car, Ma!"

What vehicle do you pick up the most chicks in?

A tractor

(Maybe you'll have to say it out loud)

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

What does an Irishman say when you give him two heavily armoured vehicles for Christmas?

Tanks

One day a snail goes to the dealership

The dealer is longwindedly going on about all his options and the snail says he doesn’t care what car it is, he just wants the fastest one on the lot.
The dealer takes him to the fastest car they have and the snail only has one question, “Would it be possible to get the letter ‘S’ painted onto a...

A priest offered to give a nun a ride (in his vehicle)

A priest offered to give a nun a lift. She got in, and crossed her legs, forcing her gown up and revealing a bit of leg.

Out of shock, the priest nearly lost control of his vehicle, swerved aggressively, and managed to re-stabilize the car.

Once he was driving safely again, he stealth...

An older woman (around age 47) gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the vehicle, she rolls down her window

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk drivin...

Why do Ford vehicles have heated rear bumpers?

To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it

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Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second ...

The Beatles all walk into an orange underwater vehicle

Oops, wrong sub

[long] A man is speeding on the highway and he hears the sudden sound of police sirens. He angrily stops his vehicle on the side of the road and rolls down his window.

The officer greets him and asks him for an identification, to which the man has no choice but to reply: “look officer, I immigrated illegally just this week so I don’t own an identification.”

The officer then asks him for his driver’s license, to which the man hastily replies:
“I- I don’t...

My local park doesn't allow wheeled vehicles inside.

Today a group of people are protesting this rule by driving a huge cart through the park. At first I didn't like the idea but I changed my mind and jumped on the banned wagon.

What vehicle uses Bethesda's creation engine?

A buggy

An Ukrainian immigrant in USA went to the Motor Vehicles Registry

An Ukrainian immigrant in USA went to the Motor Vehicles Registry (Department of Motor Vehicles or Secretary of State in some states) to apply for a driver's license. He had to take an eye test.The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" th...

Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

*The first man*: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his lif...

I've finally discovered why it takes so long to develop self-driving vehicle technology.

The first cars equipped with it have to turn 16 before any real development can begin.

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Stop vs slow down

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from the one and only London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop'...

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A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him.
He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks, “Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?”
She replies, “Well yes sir, I do.” The officer smiles a little as this lady was no...

A friend bet me that I couldn't turn spaghetti into a motor vehicle

She was really mad when I drove pasta

What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa?

Outtagascar

When people ask me how I get to work, I always say in a $200,000 vehicle

I love the bus

They've got internet for vehicles in Hong Kong too...

They call it Wong Kar-Wai fi.

I drove to Vegas in a $25,000 Chevy and came home in a $250,000 vehicle

A greyhound bus.

Why are automatic vehicles difficult to drive?

Because they don't come with a manual

In heaven, in order to see what vehicle you will be given, Peter must ask you a question...

The first man comes up, and Peter asks,

"Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

The man answers, "no never!" Peter replies, "ok, you get a Rolls Royce."

A second man comes up, Peter asks him the same question and he answers, "well once or twice, but only in the first year!"
<...

TIL a tiger would chase down your vehicle leaving his family behind, but a lion would never do that.

Because it would hurt his pride

BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle...

Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.

What vehicle do you give a Pharaoh as a gift?

A new bus.

You can't hit a crow with your vehicle.

There is always another one in a tree saying " car, car, car ".

What is Darth Vader’s favorite Nissan vehicle?

The Rogue one.

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Rumor has it the Amish and the Japanese are working on a new vehicle together...

...they plan on calling it the ToYoder.

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My friend works at NASA developing robotic exploration vehicles...

A few years back he was intensely busy with a major project involving a multi-million-dollar remote-controlled rover, often sleeping at the lab and coming home only once every 3-4 days to shower, change clothes, and feed his cats. One of his cats got sick at that time, but he didn't even have time t...

As a broke college student, do you know what the best vehicle to have is?

A scholarSHIP.

I'm sorry.

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

This vehicle stopped on a dime.

Unfortunately the dime was in Joeys pocket.

Which country will be the first to change to all electric vehicles?

Madagascar

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

What sound does Nintendo's security vehicles make?

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

Did you hear Renault and Ford are going release a hyrbrid vehicle this year

mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' together

What do you call a Mexican who can't find his vehicle?

Carlos.

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A man moves out to the country

As he is unloading his moving truck, another vehicle pulls onto his property. A man gets out and says

"Hi, I'm your closest neighbor, I live about a mile down that way. I'm having a party this weekend. It should be a lot of fun, lots of drinking, fighting, and fucking. What do you say?"<...

Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”

Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?"

What is the best vegetable delivery vehicle in the world?

An ambulance

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There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation;

all the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! Fo...

Why did Gordon Freeman's vehicle dismember the metrocop and pulverize his limbs?

Because he was driving a Combine harvester.

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.

The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the fa...

A old man's children visit him at the same time by car.

His children are parking their vehicles.


The man has parkinsons.

Uber dressed up some of their vehicles as Star Wars Stormtroopers in Manhattan...

I wouldn't mind riding one of those. They won't hit anything.

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Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

Police: Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry 6 people on a single motorcycle

Me: What do you mean 6 people?

Police: Yes, 6 people. Now please get off your vehicle.

Me: OH MY GOD!

Police: Sir?

Me: Jack fell off!

Volkswagen announces it will open a facility in Israel to make a new advanced vehicle...

The new models are are so advanced not only will they stop on a dime, they'll actually pick it up.

What vehicle does a baker drive?

A Winnebagel

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What's does your mom's sister and a horse have in common?

Nothing

One is a homosapien, a bipedal animal that has a high functioning precortex while horses are quadpedal and were used extensively by humans before motor vehicles

This was an aunty-joke

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