My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

What sound does a witch's vehicle make? [OC]

Brrrrroooom brrrrroooom!

A man gets in a terrible car crash and his vehicle ends up going off the side of a mountain.

It was snowing and the man had broken his leg, lucky for him a group of monks were on the way back to their monastery so they took him with them. While they were healing the man they kept taking him on walks to make sure his leg was healing fine. On his walks he would always pass a golden door, it w...

Due to COVID-19, truck dealerships have moved sales of their vehicles out of their buildings and onto the streets.

They’re calling the new service:

Curbside pickup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police be like "sir, please step out of the vehicle, we're looking for drugs"

No shit, me too... Let's go!

Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicle who resigned on Tuesday?

He tried to resign on Monday, but found he'd been standing in the wrong line.

What is Yoda's transport vehicle called?

Toyoda

You know how men who drive really expensive or large vehicles must be compensating?

What does that say about men who ride bicycles around?

Or men who just walk to where they're going?

What type of vehicle does a rural boy with synchronous diaphragmatic flutter drive?

A hiccup truck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

What kind of vehicle does a virus drive ?

I'm not sure, but I hear this virus is a car owner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.

Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

When self driving vehicles become mainstream,

it's only a matter of time before there's a country song about a guy whose truck left him.

•What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?

Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

How do you say angry vehicle in Italian?

Madagascar.

What do you call a person who breaks into a house, steals food and drinks, and leaves in a getaway vehicle?

Santa Claus.

Hey guys what do you call an emergency vehicle made out of potatoes?

A yambulance

What type of military vehicle to fish go to war in?

A fish tank

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is
smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer
from LONDON and is certain that he has a
better education than any Irish cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration,
please."
...

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

What's a cowboy's favorite vehicle?

Audi, partner.

Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

A Priest encounters a nun while going to the monastery with his car

He encounters a nun in the side of the road. The priest stops the car and offers to drive the nun to her destination, the nun accepts.

The nun gets in the car. She crosses her legs making her pretty legs to come in sight

While the priest is looking at her legs he nearly crashes. After ...

I hate flying vehicles.

A lot of them are so plane.

I try to keep up with large vehicle emission standards

But idling busses are exhausting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The night Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's penis, she drove a distance then tossed the 'apendage' out of her car window, striking the windshield of a vehicle driving in the opposite direction.

"Christ! Did you see the size of that bug?" To which the passenger replied, "No, but damn, it had an enormous dick!"

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter decides which vehicle to give them.

“Heaven is a big place,” he says. “You’ll need something to get around. What I give you is based on how well you treated your marriage on Earth.”

The first guy says, “Marriage was difficult for me. We both had affairs and eventually got divorced after 10 years. But I still tried to live a goo...

What do you call a chicken in a moving vehicle?

Poultry in motion.

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, someone gets hit by a vehicle every 60 seconds

Poor bastard

Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”

Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“

An old man driving along sees a police vehicle behind him.

He puts the foot down and takes off! Sure enough, the police vehicle lights are activated and the police give chase.

After a while the man thinks “I’m too old for this, what am I doing?” And sensibly pulls over to the side of the road. The police pull in behind him.

A policeman appro...

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

What happens when Frogs park their vehicles illegally?

They get TOAD

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

The Lady with the dead body in the trunk

One night Charlotte was speeding down the highway as a police pulls her over.

The cop comes up and asks her, **"what the heck was making you drive so fast??"**

Charlotte quickly tries to explain herself and tells the officer **"Sir, I have a dead body in the trunk of my car"**

A...

Warning: Dad joke for kids inside.

What do Skye, Chase, Marshall and Rubble use to power their vehicles?


Paw Petrol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

A policeman pulled me over.

"Sir, were you drunk driving?" he asked me.

"No," I slurred.

"I'm going to need to step out of your vehicle immediately," he stated.

I laughed. "You're a moron!"


"I'm a moron, am I? How so?"


"You think this is my car."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Embed

An embed journalist is taken out to a small army outpost a few miles out of a small village in the middle of the desert, to get a firsthand look at how the soldiers lived.

Upon arrival, he’s given a tour by the NCO. He’s shown the mess hall, the water hole, and his tent. Finally, the NCO lead...

So I hit another vehicles bumper the other day, so we both pulled over to the side of the road. The driver got out. I noticed he was a dwarf, he shouted, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "then which one are you?"

If two wheeled vehicles make you angry, are you bi-furious?

You know, just asking for a friend...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An undertaker buys 2 vehicles and decides to get custom number plates.

He makes one "HIS" and the other "HEARSE".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles cleverly called Formula Zero,

or GTF0.

What's a Redditor's favorite kind of vehicle, favorite kind of food, and favorite kind of teacher all in one word?

A sub

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

A car mechanic had noticed something peculiar about the vehicles he was servicing.

It seemed to him that the German cars his customers brought in had more pronounced undersides than non-German ones. Audis were the worst offenders, and he was getting annoyed at how often he would have to work on cars that had less space for him to work between them and the ground.

One day, h...

"He drives a 300k vehicle. He must be rich."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

What's the best vehicle for watching movies?

ATV

What was the smartest vehicle ?

Stephen Hawking

Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes

1.

I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation

I work as a McDonald’s cashier

2.

“Mom there is a burglar in here”

“No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”

3.

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I travel and driv...

Three men meet a weird car salesman.

Three men, childhood friends, are looking to get new cars. They travel to an odd-looking dealership. They approach the salesman.

Salesman: Greetings, gentlemen. How may I help you today?

The respond that they want new cars.

Salesman: Very well. Answer me one question, and I shal...

A hitchiker is taken by an elderly couple in an RV. During the trip, the husband, driving the vehicle, says "152", and the couple laughs. Then the wife says "365" and they also laugh.

The hitchhiker then asks "What's the deal with these numbers?"

The old man replies: "We've been telling each other jokes for such a long time that we memorized and numbered them all, and now only refer to them by numbers."

A few minutes after hearing that, the hitchhiker says "984", an...

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to make a vehicle out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

What do vehicles do in discos?

They brake-dance

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving

Van Gogh

Why did the mover have Starry Night painted on his vehicle?

He wanted everyone to look at his Van Gogh.

A man decides to sell his Jeep Wrangler

Because his friends keep giving him a hard time about the car saying it’s a vehicle made for teenage girls, the Jeep owner decided to go ahead and sell it.

One of the man’s friends felt pretty bad about it and decided to help him out, telling the owner that he would drive it around with the ...

A new study has found that 98% of vehicular collisions with crows in Boston involve trucks and other large vehicles

Apparently they can all yell “cah, cah,” but not “bus, bus.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The M4 motorway walks into a bar...

The M4 motorway walks into a bar.

"Oi, barman, I'm the M4 motorway. 500,000 cars drive over me every day, I'm hard as nails. Get me a drink" he orders.

The barman, rather surprised that a talking motorway has walked into his bar, pours him a whisky and he sits down at the table.
<...

A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"



*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*



Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?



Man: Yes, absolutely.



Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to ple...

Apple is developing a product—invented by Bart Simpson—that cleans your vehicle.

The iCaroomba

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Long) A guy driving a brand new convertible Corvette stops at a gas station to fill up on his inaugural drive

(This is my dad's favorite joke)


He gets out of the car, throws a hundred at the attendant to fill it and tells him to make sure not to scratch it, then goes inside to buy some snacks. While he's inside, an old hillbilly wearing an old tatter shirt with suspenders putters up to the gas st...

A man approached what was certainly a bad vehicle accident.

It seemed that a bus had been hit by a truck belonging to a major company. Strewn about on the ground were a dozen bus passengers. The man asked one of the passengers, “Has anybody from the insurance company been here yet?” The passenger shook his head from side to side. The man continued, “Good, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older woman (around age 47) gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the vehicle, she rolls down her window

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk drivin...

When you grow up poor like I did, it's not unusual to be in your twenties without a vehicle or licence...

You just sort of learn to run with it.

I like my vehicles just like my violence

Domestic

Be wary of a Florida senior with a gun.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. Th...

What is a dog in a vehicle?

A carpet.

What is a scarecrows vehicle of choice?

An Autumn mobile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray gets pulled over for going about 90 on the way to the ballpark ... (long)

He thinks his reputation will spare him from a ticket, but it's clear the cop is serious when he asks for Caray's license and registration. Harry, probably already three sheets to the wind, replies, "You know officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car." The cop is a bit taken aback and...

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

What did the art thief's say when they jumped in the getaway vehicle after a heist?

Van Gogh

Two friends are driving together in a car when the driver runs a red light

“what the hell is your problem? The light was red!” says the passenger.

The driver calmly responded, “Don’t worry about it. My brother does it all the time!”

They continue driving for another minute when they approach another red light. The driver runs through it without hesitation....

What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa?

Outtagascar

Why do Ford vehicles have heated rear bumpers?

To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it

Three guys die and go to heaven

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates, and announces "welcome to heaven. it is a vast and holy place. I will assign you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouses"

The first man walks up and is given the keys to a beat up 1989 Honda Civic and St. Peter says to him "you cheate...

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

The Beatles all walk into an orange underwater vehicle

Oops, wrong sub

What vehicle do you pick up the most chicks in?

A tractor

(Maybe you'll have to say it out loud)

The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret.

It tanked.

Heaven

So three men are waiting in heaven to get their vehicles, and the angel asks the first man “ have you ever cheated on your wife.” The man says “yes lots of times and gets a tricycle.

The next man comes up and the angel asks “have you ever cheated on your wife” the man says “only once” so he g...

A priest offered to give a nun a ride (in his vehicle)

A priest offered to give a nun a lift. She got in, and crossed her legs, forcing her gown up and revealing a bit of leg.

Out of shock, the priest nearly lost control of his vehicle, swerved aggressively, and managed to re-stabilize the car.

Once he was driving safely again, he stealth...

For my birthday, my mother gave me a vehicle

"Thanks for the car, Ma!"

What does an Irishman say when you give him two heavily armoured vehicles for Christmas?

Tanks

My local park doesn't allow wheeled vehicles inside.

Today a group of people are protesting this rule by driving a huge cart through the park. At first I didn't like the idea but I changed my mind and jumped on the banned wagon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him.
He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks, “Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?”
She replies, “Well yes sir, I do.” The officer smiles a little as this lady was no...

A car get's pulled over by the police.

The officer steps up to the vehicle and asks “Do you have any idea why i pulled you over?“.
The driver has a clue and replies “I guess i was speeding a bit...“, to which the officer replies:“ No. I'm vegan. Please continue your travels.“

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[long] A man is speeding on the highway and he hears the sudden sound of police sirens. He angrily stops his vehicle on the side of the road and rolls down his window.

The officer greets him and asks him for an identification, to which the man has no choice but to reply: “look officer, I immigrated illegally just this week so I don’t own an identification.”

The officer then asks him for his driver’s license, to which the man hastily replies:
“I- I don’t...

I've finally discovered why it takes so long to develop self-driving vehicle technology.

The first cars equipped with it have to turn 16 before any real development can begin.

Does santa really live in the North Pole?

Let's check the facts...

• Wears red and White
•Only works 1 day a year
•Breaks into all houses
•has a load of electronics
•Drives an unlicensed vehicle

After looking at all the evidence, Santa is a scouser

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the m...

A friend bet me that I couldn't turn spaghetti into a motor vehicle

She was really mad when I drove pasta

How did the fight start?

So I rear ended a car this morning. To my surprise the driver of the vehicle I hit was a dwarf. After the collision he gets out of his car, walks over to me and says, “I’m not happy!” To which I replied, “Then which one are you?”. That’s how the fight started.

A Cop is driving down the highway; all of a sudden, the car further ahead SWERVES wildy left.

He watches in awe as the car corrects its direction, then swerves right across every lane.

The officer immediately hits his lights, and approaches the vehicle closer. After several more wild moves, the car pulls into the ditch.

The Cop sprints to the car, banging on the window until ...

Donald and Vladimir take a vacation.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin take a trip to Brokeback Mountain.

The two decide it's best for Putin to drive.

Half way up the sketchy mountain, Trump spots a donkey with it's head stuck in a fence.

"We need to do something!", Trump exclaims uncharacteristically.

"Ah y...

What vehicle uses Bethesda's creation engine?

A buggy

Why are automatic vehicles difficult to drive?

Because they don't come with a manual

I drove to Vegas in a $25,000 Chevy and came home in a $250,000 vehicle

A greyhound bus.

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

When people ask me how I get to work, I always say in a $200,000 vehicle

I love the bus

What is Darth Vader’s favorite Nissan vehicle?

The Rogue one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

They've got internet for vehicles in Hong Kong too...

They call it Wong Kar-Wai fi.

In heaven, in order to see what vehicle you will be given, Peter must ask you a question...

The first man comes up, and Peter asks,

"Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

The man answers, "no never!" Peter replies, "ok, you get a Rolls Royce."

A second man comes up, Peter asks him the same question and he answers, "well once or twice, but only in the first year!"
<...

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