UPJOKE
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What do you call 2 Mexican firefighters?

Jose and Hose-B

What award do you give a firefighter?

Most extinguished

No one understands the importance of milliseconds, more than a volunteer firefighter.

It's the amount of time they have between meeting you, and telling you they are a volunteer firefighter.

The firefighters in Greece are making the fire worse.

You aren't supposed to use water on Greece fires.

An innocent joke I remember from a radio show or CD from about 20 years ago.

A little boy answered the phone one day. The caller, surprised to hear the young voice says, "Hi, is your mommy or daddy home?".

"Mommy is busy."

"Okay, is your daddy home?" The caller asks.

"No, daddy is busy."

"Okay," says the caller. "Is anyone else there?"

"The...

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An old email-chain joke: The firefighter and the little girl.

Found this one while going through old emails from my mom, circa 2006...



A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The...

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What is a firefighter with no testicles?

A cop.

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

Guys, I'm dating a lady firefighter tonight!

You think she might put out?

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What do you call a firefighter not on the first floor of the fire station during an emergency?

A part time stripper

As a firefighter, I know there is one thing that we always save no matter how bad the fire.

The foundation

The pastor and the the quicksand

A pastor falls into quicksand, after 10 minutes the firefighters arrive.

pastor: "I don't need your help! God will save me."

the firefighters leave, after one hour they come back.

pastor: "I already told you, i don't need your help, god will get me out of here and save me!"
<...

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"Did you hear about that firefighter who got in trouble for trying to put out burning buildings with semen?"

"Yeah, he came under fire."

What did the Mexican firefighter call his twin sons?

Hose A and Hose B

What did the Spanish firefighter name his twin boys?

Hosea and Hose-B

how do you know there is a firefighter at your party?

he's got all the hose

What did the hispanic firefighter name his two son's?

Jose and hose b

Daddy, which letter firefighters hates the most?

R, son.

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.

The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"



Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.



Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

What did the pyromaniacs say when their kid told them he wanted to be a firefighter?

*gasp* YOU'RE NOT ARSON ANYMORE

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?

World cup for firefighters

There was this world cup for firefighters(WCF) and the ref's would set a buliding on fire,and the team that stops the fire the fastest wins.

First up were the Germans.They come with some ladders and pipes filled with water.They stop the within 30 min.

Second are the Americans.Again wit...

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Two Firefighters are butt fucking in a smoke-filled room..

Two Firefighters are butt fucking in a smoke-filled room..

\*The captain comes in\*

Cptn: "What is going on in here!"

FFs: "He was unconscious."

C: "You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth!"

F: "How the fuck do you think this started?!"

One day a kid meets a firefighter who was getting out of his shift

The kid tells the firefighter “I want to be a firefighter when I grow up too!”
The firefighter responds with “ oh really kid?”
The kid responds with “yea follow me mister I’ll show you!”
So the kid and the firefighter go to the kids house and the firefighter sees a helmet, vest, wagon, and ...

Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building.

The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.

The lady says, "The former seems interesti...

I am like a firefighter

I find them hot and leave them wet

A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Richard: I want to be a doctor!
Tommy: I want to be a firefighter!
Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!

The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.

Jamal: Help people.

Teacher: What kind of help?

Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.

A cop, a firefighter, and a bureaucrat are at a elementary school career day...

The cop brags, “I’m the fastest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute”

The firefighter says, “That’s nothing, I can run into a burning building and rescue someone in 30 seconds”

The bureaucrat responds, “pfff, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2”

Being attractive is a requirement to become a firefighter...

Because they turn the hoes on.

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A firefighter, a Native American, and a soldier are in a plane...

...flying over the US. They aren't up very high and so the windows are open (ignore the unscientific logic of this, it's a joke). They've been in there quite some time, and the firefighter starts getting bored. He pulls out his extra hat and drops it out the window just to see what will happen.
...

What holiday do firefighters refuse to celebrate?

May Day.

A teacher asks her primary school students what their father do for a living

"So, Timothy, what does your father do ?"

"My dad is a firefighter !"

"Fantastic ! And you Samantha, what does your father do ?"

" He's an accountant !"

"Wonderful ! And yours, Jimmy ?"

Poor little Jimmy then breaks into tears and wails "my father is dead !"
...

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Best Costume (nsfw)

A woman at a costume party sees a man wearing a glass jar over his pecker.

She asks him what he is dressed as.

He says, "a firefighter. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can."

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Two firefighters are fucking

The chief walks in on two of his firefighters having vigorous sex.

He shouts: Hey what the hell are you two doing?

One of the firefighters: Chief, you don't understand, he suffered some serious smoke inhalation.

Chief: Thats not how you treat smoke inhalation. The first step ...

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I had the strangest visitors this halloween…

As I opened the door, there stood three men. One butt naked with only a glass jar over his pecker, one in overalls and one furiously masturbating.

After overcoming my initial shock, I asked the man in overalls what the fuck they were doing here. He replied:”hey, sweetie, wanna do it machinist...

A lot of people think that firefighters are overpaid, but recently a pole was taken...

...and they all fell through a hole in the floor.

-Milton Jones

The firefighters dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngs...

Why kind of women do Australian Firefighters get?

Hose

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Two firefighters save a mother cat from a tree.

The owner promises them the kittens once they grow big enough, and the firefighters happily accept. Half a year later, the kittens arrive and they bring great joy.

The next day, the two firefighters receive an emergency call stating that a barn is burning. The men rush there and learn that a ...

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It's Career Week in the parochial school...

(OK, real old one but=)

It's Career Week in the parochial school. One day, when all the parents who've come to explain their jobs have done their presentations and gone, Sister Mary Domino has some time to kill, so she has the children stand up, one at a time, and say what THEY want to be wh...

Working at home sucks...

....if you’re a firefighter.

My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire

Great guy, horrible firefighter.

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven...

St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven.

The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I...

A California ranch that was once owned by Ronald Reagan was being threatened by a wildfire

Firefighters attempted to save it by pouring water on a nearby hill and hoping it would trickle down.

Series of jokes translated from Armenian

Some context: Abaran is a city in Armenia, and there's this stereotype about the "Abarantsi" (person from Abaran) who is supposed to be stupid and there's a bunch of jokes about it, kind of like blonde jokes (this is all for the sake of the joke, however, and we love and respect the people of Abaran...

I want to know if this Spanish joke translates at all

What’s the similarity between a boat, a firefighter and a family?

The boat and the firefighter have hard outer coverings (cascos).

*and the family?*

They’re good, thanks for asking!




(Original Spanish)
¿Que se parece entre un bombero, un barco y una famili...

A firefighter wasn’t performing well at his job...

He was on the hot seat. Then he got fired.

What do Aussie women firefighter hate people asking them?

If their bush is on fire.

A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get...

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Did you hear about the Japanese firefighter who changed careers to aviation in 1940?

He went from hero to Zero.

A doctor, priest, policeman, dog, Christian, comedian, blind man, Rabbi, firefighter, and Amy Schumer walk into a bar.

The bartender sighs and says, "My life is a joke."

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Golfing

An Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are golfing. There is a group ahead of them moving really slow. The course manager stops by and asks if everything is alright. They ask why the group ahead of them is so slow. He explains that it is a blind group of firefighters that lost their sight putting out ...

Firefighters recovered just the bottom of one shoe after the shoe factory burned down

It was the sole survivor.

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PP JOKE

three men enter hell the devil asks the men what did you use to work as the first man said a lumberjack so the devil said that they will chop his pp off the second man said a firefighter so the devil said we will burn his pp off the third thought about it and said lolipop sales men

edit : for...

Once, me and my family wanted to bake some marshmallows in the campfire.

We had the poles with marshmallows sticked to them prepared when we heard sirens. We all ran out to see what happened. The neighbours' house was on fire and I saw a lot of firefighters trying to get the fire under control. The neighbours looked at us with pure disgust. That was the moment I realized...

I hate those people who come and knock on my door, telling me how I have to be "saved" or else I'll "burn"

Stupid firefighters.

Saw some videos about the fires burning near Athens.

Apparently nobody told the firefighters that you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.

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A cop was walking around a children playground

He sees a kid playing in the sand, so he goes to him and asks:

-Hi there champ, what are you building?

-A cop

-Oh, that's really nice, and how are you going to do that?

-I will use some water, sand and shit

The cop gets angry and starts pulling and tugging his ears...

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Heard this from my brother....

Back story: We are both firefighters and brother is EMT.

Me: “Ah shoot, I hit my elbow, gosh it hurts.”

Brother: “I have some Tryactin in my truck.”

Me: “Do you think it will help?”

Brother: “Let’s see, (pauses)....”

Me: “Well...?”

Brother: “Try actin’ like ...

A moth and a firefighter walk into a bar...

It was alight.

My father wanted me to be a firefighter

So he installed a brass pole from my bedroom to the living room. It didn't work. But my sisters both work at the Catwalk

Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter?

Prose before Hose

A cop and a firefighter die and go to heaven.

God gives them each some wings, with a warning that if they have even one bad thought, they’ll lose their wings.

A little while goes by. The cop and firefighter are checking out heaven together. Then, a smoking hot girl walks by. The firefighter’s wings fall off.

The firefighter bends...

Firefighters

One night outside a small town in Southern Ireland, a fire started inside    the  local chemical plant.  In the blink of an eye, it exploded into  massive flames.  The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles  around.   When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company presi...

What did the firefighter pimp say when he walked into the club?

Where my hose at?

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Three guys were on a trip to Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a Harem Tent with 10 beautiful women.
The men got really friendly with the women, when suddenly a sheikh entered.
"I am the master of these women! No one shall touch them except me!
You will be punished corresponding to your profession!"
The sheikh ...

John, Paddy and Scott are on a trip in Saudi Arabia.

Paddy is driving his little red car, which has seen better days. John and Scott are drunk in the back.

Suddenly, ahead of them, they see an oil well on fire.
The firefighters are unsuccessfully trying to extinguish the flames.

Paddy drives straight over the well, blocking the oxygen...

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhou...

Irish Pub In Midtown Manhattan Is On Fire

An Irish pub on 32nd street caught fire one day. Smoke and flames were seen billowing out of the windows and threatening the nearby businesses. Firefighters arrived on the scene within 10 minutes but the fire had spread so rapidly from all the wood (and booze I suppose), and the building was complet...

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Two women decides to go out and have some fun without their husbands.

The night turned out great it was a lot of fun. They got tipsy so they headed back home, but on the road they had a sudden urge to pee, so they climbed over the wall of a graveyard nearby. When finnished, they recocgnised they’ve got nothing to wipe themself clean with. One of them used her panties ...

So my coworkers and I were sent to "sensitivity training"

The lady running it said, "you have to use the right words to refer to people, because you don't want to offend them. Instead of 'policeman', say 'police officer'. Instead of 'fireman' say 'firefighter'. Don't say 'chairman', say 'chairperson'."

"Um, excuse me," I said, "I think they prefer t...

My friend got jailed for 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

Dad, what is a firefighter's least favourite letter?

Dad: R, son

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, s...

I hate these people that knock on your door and tell you they are going to save you and that if you don't listen to their word you will burn and die...

... Damn Firefighters

A joke

A priest, a rabbi and an imam enter a bar, order a drink and finds a place to sit.
Then a construction worker, a native american and a police officer comes in and do the same thing.
And then a dane, a swede and a norwegian enters too.
Then a blind guy, a deaf guy and a mute guy.
And the...

A large apartment building is on fire, and people are trapped...

The first firefighters on scene notice that a couple is in a window 10 stories up, frantically waving their arms. They have a baby, and the smoke and fire is getting thick. The firefighters know that their ladder can't reach that high, and desperately try to come up with a plan.

A bystander,...

A woman goes to the doctor.

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him a story.


She is recently retired, and last week, she went on a trip to a secluded beach resort. She started hiking on a trail, got lost, and slipped and hurt her ankle. She was quite worried, because it was in a secluded spot and she couldn't mo...

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor sai...

The Bulgarian Train Conductor

Most kids want to become a firefighter or astronaut when they’re older. This man, however, really wanted to become a train conductor. Unfortunately, he gets the job and he loves it. But one particular day, he’s enjoying his job a little too much. He’s driving too fast and accidentally derails the tr...

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