After a crazy night on the town, all I can remember before blacking out is paramedics approaching me with a stretcher.

I guess I got carried away.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

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Rectum Stretcher

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over the limit), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I responded,...

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Rectum Stretcher

I was on my way to work a few months ago and I'm going under an overpass. A cop pulls out, flips on the siren and sex lights, so we pull over. He sidles up to my window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"35?" I ask, knowing it's a 35 mph zone.

"Radar has you going 37," h...

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A man is speeding to get to work on time.

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.

Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes offi...

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The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:

Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup

Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...

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Rectal stretcher

I was driving down the highway going a little too fast when I look in my rear view and a state trooper is pulling me over. I pull to the shoulder and he approached my window, he asks, “do you know how fast you were going?” I quickly try to explain to him that I’m a doctor and I’m on my way to an imp...

I went to the hospital to buy a stretcher and they said do you want to try before you buy?

I said no thanks, I don't want to get carried away.

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Lil Johnny speeding past a bridge.

(This was a take away joke)

Officer: Do you know you were doing 80 in a 65?
Johnny: No, I apologize, I was just rushing to work.
Officer: What makes your job so important that you need to put peoples lives at risk, speeding along the roadway?
Johnny: I'm a rectum stretcher.
Office...

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Rectum Stretcher

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in han...

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I met a guy yesterday who told me he worked as a limb stretcher.

Turns out the bastard was pulling my leg.

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The Rectum Stretcher

A man is driving along one morning, speeding because he's late for work.

Suddenly, a cop pulls him over. The cop gets comes over to his car, asks for his license and registration, then plugs his name into the database to make sure he's not doing anything illegal.

While he's waiting for...

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A man was late for work...

A man was running late for work and was speeding 50 over the speed limit. As he passed an over pass, a cop was lying in wait behind a billboard. The cop turns on his lights and pulls the man over.

O: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

M: "Yessir, but I running late for work."
...

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A man is late for dinner and speeding home.

He is pulled over by a cop that had been hiding on the far side of an underpass. While questioning the motorist he asks what the man does for a living.
“Well sir, I’m a rectum stretcher”
Confused the cop asks “what’s exactly does that mean?”
The man explains “well first you start with one ...

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A state trooper is sitting at the end of a tunnel and pulls over a motorist for speeding.

“License and registration” the officer says.

“No problem” replies the motorist.

“What are you doing out so late sir?” the officer asks.

“Just had a late night at work” he replies.

“Really? What do you do for work?” the officer says.

“Well...I’m an asshole stretche...

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A Man was driving down the highway...

When he sees the siren of a police car appear behind him. The police officer pulls the man over and asks for his license and registration, the man, obviously upset, hands the information to the officer, the officer then asks, -Do you know why I pulled you over?-
_
The man knew why. "I understa...

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A guy is driving to work one morning, going well over the speed limit, when he gets pulled over.

The cop strides arrogantly over to the man, knowing that he's about to write a huge fine, and asks him why he was driving so fast.

"Sorry officer", the man replies, "but I'm late for work and I have an incredibly important job"

"Oh yeah?", the officer replies, "and just what work do yo...

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

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Guy gets pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle...

Cop comes up and says "You know why I pulled you over?"

Guy says "yes, I was going way over the limit but I am running super late for work"

Cop says "and what could be so imperative that makes you rush to work. What type of work do you do?"

Guy responds "I'm a rectum stretcher!...

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a guy gets pulled over at the end of a bridge for speeding

The police officer walks up to his car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver, rudely says "No officer - but I'm sure you're aware, so why don't you enlighten both of us?"

The police officer, recognizing the driver's attitude, attempts to take him down a notch. "Wh...

A priest, rabbi and minister have a contest

A priest, rabbi and minister have a contest to see who's the best at their jobs by trying to convince a bear to join their religion. The priest goes in, sprinkles holy water on the bear and manages to convert the bear. The minister goes in, preaches, and manages to also convert the bear. The rabbi g...

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A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

Today I learned what Chromecast is...

... and the rest of the family found out what Interracial Bootyhole Stretchers Vol. 3 is.

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A man was stopped for speeding

A man was driving along an overpass and was caught in a speed trap by a police officer with a radar gun. He admitted he was speeding, apologized, and told the officer that the reason he was speeding was that he did not want to be late for work. The officer wrote the ticket, explained the details of ...

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A man gets stopped by a police officer for doing 31 in a 30 zone

The police man asks what the man's job is.

The man says 'I'm an asshole stretcher'

The police man asks 'and what do you do in that?'

The man replies in detail 'we get the customers ass and slowly enlarge it by first sticking our fingers in, then our whole fist, slowly increasin...

A Priest, a Minister, a Rabbi and a Bear

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job. So each one goes into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it.

Later, they all get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is...

What do you do with a 6ft Ahole?

I man was late for work and speeding to his job. He came over the hill of a bridge and found himself in a speed trap. The cop pulls him over and walks up to his car.
Cop: sir why were you speeding?
Man: I'm late for work
Cop: what do you do that's so important you think you can speed?
Ma...

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A cop pulls a man over for going to fast over a bridge...

He holds up a speed gun and says:

"You were 10Mph over the speed limit, do you have a valid reason for going so fast?"

"I was late for my job" The man responded

"And what is your job?" The cop starts writing a ticket at this point

"I work as a rectum stretcher" The guy sa...

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A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in.

The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour
why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says:"Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturba...

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A dad and his daughter went to a nudist beach

Once there the daughter is surprised when she sees his dick and asks "Daddy, what's that?"
A bit taken back by the question he answers, "oh, that's just a swan nesting on it's two eggs".

Happy with that explanation the kid starts playing at the beach while the father lays in the sun.
...

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A man wakes up late and has to speed to get to work on time...

He's flying down the highway, doing 90 in a 60. He approaches an overpass and sees a cop above running radar. The man thinks to.m himself, "shit".

Sure enough, lights and sirens and the cop is pulling him over. He officer approaches the car and asks the man, "Sir, do you know why I pulled yo...

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United Airlines one-liners

Hilarious Compilation of Twitterati responses on the United Airlines Fiasco #NewUnitedAirlinesMottos
"United Airlines: Not enough seating, prepare for a beating."

"We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!"

"You can't beat our prices! But we can sure beat our passengers!"...

A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a Protestant minister are talking in a bar.

They bet each other that they can convert a bear to their religion. At dawn the next day, they meet at the edge of the forest and wish each other luck before setting out. At the end of the day, they meet each other again on three separate stretchers. The priest is all beat up. He has a broken arm an...

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So a man goes fishing...

He has been working hard all week and finally gets a chance to go out and relax on the lake.

He spends all afternoon out there and he manages to catch a dozen fish or so. He calls it a day and heads back to shore to gut and clean the fish.

The man finishes cleaning his last fish and ...

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6ft Asshole

So I was headed to work this morning and I was running late. I had the cruise set at 80mph and I crested a hill and there sits a cop running his radar.
Needless to say, he lights me up and I get pulled over.
Cop walks up and asks, "What's the rush... Where you headed in such a hurry?"
"I'm ...

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A cop had set up a speed trap at the end of a bridge

when yet another lucky customer comes roaring past doing twenty miles over the limit. The cop lights him up and pulls him over. After retrieving the driver's license and registration, he's filling out the ticket and he asks the driver, "So, what do you do for a living sir?"

The guy replies, ...

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A different kind of doctor

A man was speeding down the local highway, far over the limit as he crossed a bridge. The cop that was hidden to the side raced after him and immediately pulled him over. He walks up to the car window and begins to question the man.

"Where are you headed in such a hurry?" the cop asks

...

So I was at the Red Cross...

Shopping for a stretcher. The assistant asked if I'd like try it out before I bought it. I thought "Nah, I don't wanna get carried away."

My wife and I were walking down the street.

My wife and I were walking down the street when she spotted the mayor of our town.
"You should go introduce yourself" she said.

I replied "I have known him for years why should I?"

"You do not know the mayor!" she exclaimed. It was then that we walked up and talked to the mayor fo...

The farmer's wife went into a coma...

... at home, and he summoned the doctor.

"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the funeral home for you."

The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer ...

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Another guy speeding joke.

A guy is in a rush to get to work, and he driving quickly.

He crosses over a bridge, and get's tagged by a cop and pulled over.

The cop slowly walks up to the car and asks for license and registration.

After they check out the cop returns and says, "Do you know why I pulled you...

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Skipper

Skipper was the most well-liked guy in the office, and seemed to know everyone at all the parties. In fact, he seemed to have a connection with just about everyone, including his boss's friends. The boss, struggling to stump him, decided to test Skipper.

"Hey, Skipper," he said, "Brad Pitt's ...

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A man was speeding over a bridge

A man is speeding over a bridge one day, late for work, when he's pulled over by a cop operating radar at the end of the bridge. The cop walks up to the driver side window and asks the man what he does for a living. The man replies, "I'm a professional asshole stretcher."
His curiosity piqued, th...

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A man was speeding down a country road...

...he drove across an old bridge and just after getting to the other side a cop pulls him over. The officer approaches his window and starts with the normal cop procedure, licence, registration, the usual. Sooner or later he says to the guy "what do you do for a living?" And the man says "I'm an ass...

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Science professor

It is the new school year, and the science class sits down. The professor walks in with a dead body on a stretcher. The whole class screams and cringes at the sight of the body.

The professor says, "Calm down class. Now, in this class you will be doing many things that may provoke feelings of...

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A man is speeding over a bridge in his red convertible when a cop pulls him over.

It seems the cop was hidden on the far side of the bridge when he clocked the convertible going 95 mph when the bridge had a speed limit of 45 mph. He walked up to the car and saw a young man sitting in the driver's seat looking cool and confident. Before the cop could say anything, the young man sp...

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The man who knew everyone

There once was a man named Tom and one day he was bragging to his coworkers that he knew everyone who was anyone and everyone knew him. After a couple of weeks of hearing this, Tom's boss, Fred, decided to show that this was all a bunch of bullshit. Fred takes Tom to Hollywood and asks him to get Ni...

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A man get caught by a cop at the end of a bridge...

The cop ask the man:

-Do you know how fast you were driving? What's the hurry?

-I need to get to my job, I'm really needed there.

-What are you, a surgeon?

-No I'm an asshole stretcher, you see?

-What on earth is an asshole stretcher, ask the cop.

-Well, the...

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A lady speeding to work.

A lady is speeding to work down HWY 85, when she thinks to herself," there has to be a state trooper on that overpass up there." Sure enough there he was,so he put on the blue lights and pulled her over. He asks her," Ma'am, are you aware you were speeding? ". "Sir, I don't have time for this," sh...

A Priest, a Preacher, and a Rabbi...

A Catholic priest, Baptist preacher, and a rabbi were known to meet up every week and talk about religion and their respective churches. One week, they were discussing converting people to their faith and each agreed that people are easily manipulated and that it was no true test of skill and that a...

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