Why is a morgue like a neckbeard convention?

It is full of people with no lives

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

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A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

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What do you call a morgue that doubles as a porn set?

A creamatorium.

What do you call an animal morgue?

*A slaughter house*

What is the farmers side job at the morgue

Cornorer!

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Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on!

The 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'l was, but after two ju...

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NSFW morgue joke

A guy has his first shift at a morgue, he’s told to dress and do makeup on an old lady for an open casket.

A few minutes later he comes into see the boss “there’s a prawn coming out of her vagina!”

The boss comes to have a look “you idiot, that’s just a really big old clitoris!”
...

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Two guys are working in a morgue

Two guys are working in a morgue. One of them comes up to the other and says, "Did you see that that woman on that table had a shrimp coming out of her vagina?"

The other guy says, "That wasn't a shrimp, that was her clit."

The first guy says, "That's weird... It sure tasted like shrim...

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

My wife was so upset when I brought a basket full of cadaver feet home from the morgue the week before Christmas...

I thought they'd make great stocking-stuffers.

Women. I just can't read 'em.

The local morgue doubles up as a comedy club at night.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Why aren't morgues round?

Because then there'd be no coroners.

What's the main similarity between a morgue and an office complex?

Both are good places for a stiff to go.

I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor.

I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.

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A young intern working in a morgue goes to the older coroner with a startling discovery.

"This is gonna sound weird, but the drowning victim that just came in has a umm...shrimp sticking out of her vagina."

The coroner smiles and explains to him that it's likely her clitoris, since with drowning victims, it can often become swollen and take on a strange appearance..

"Funny...

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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes

getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began pla...

A doctor from the morgue calls the local dealership: "How many motorcycles did you sell today?" "Four."

"Oh, looks like one is still riding"

I found my ex girlfriend’s dead body at the morgue I work at

She’s still giving me the cold shoulder.

Dr. Frankenstein finally became popular enough in his own right to gain unlimited access to cemeteries and morgues for his creations.

I guess to the Victor goes the spoils.

I read a news article saying that there's a backlog of bodies piling up at the morgue.

Must be that God damn Coronervirus.

Where exactly are you taking me doctor?

-Where exactly are you taking me doctor?

-To the morgue.

-What? But, I'm not dead yet.

-And we are not there yet!

How did everyone know about the sweepstakes held by the morgue?

It was a dead giveaway.

A perk of a career at the morgue is you always get the coroner office.

The only downside is the stiff competition.

Did you hear about the layoffs at the morgue?

They’re really cutting coroners

Three new corpses were delivered to the morgue one day, each with a great big smile on his face.

The mortification examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death.

"First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.

Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died...

Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today

So the death row inmates were left hanging.

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So there's this pathologist who's just walked into the morgue with his medical students

They walk over to a cadaver that's just arrived that morning.

"Please observe the following" he says. He takes his index finger and shoves it up the anus of the cadaver, pulls it out and sucks on his finger. "Now you all try" he says as each student puts their index finger up the anus and li...

I had no idea I wasn't allowed to remove body parts from the morgue until the mortician told me.

When he said it, I was takin' a back.

What did the diener say after a long shift at the morgue?

"Time to crack open a boy with the cold ones."

What does a necrophiliac get when he wakes up at the morgue? NSFW

Mourning wood.

I'm sorry.

A mortician and a recent widow are in the morgue, her dead husband in a casket wearing a grey suit...

The widow says "Harold always liked a blue suit, like that man over there in the casket is wearing". The mortician says, "No problem M'am, I'll take care of it if you step out for a few minutes". Five minutes later, the mortician calls her back in and sure enough, her husband is wearing the blue s...

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An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having sex with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to ...

I got fired from the morgue.

They caught me with my cookie in the hand jar.

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Three nurses in the morgue...

Three nurses went down to the morgue and found a dead guy lying there with a hard-on. *" It's a shame to waste that!"* exclaimed the first nurse, so she proceeds to ride him. The second nurse didn't hesitate to ride the guy after the first nurse was done, but the third was a bit hesitant because she...

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Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

Why were the police so sure it was the morgue handing out bodies every night?

It was literally a dead giveaway.

Today morgue employee got cremated by mistake while taking a nap...

I guess two people got fired that day!

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My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

I have a lot of work to do in the morgue today.

There's a new deadline I need to meet.

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A group of students were in a morgue...

A group of students were in a morgue. They were eager to learn more from their professor. He stood at the front of the class right next to a fresh corpse.

He turned to the class and said
“The first rule of my class is to be totally devoted to the class. I need you to each do exactly as I...

Why was the mathematician disappointed by the empty morgue?

There was no body to count on.

Despite what people think, it's not all doom and gloom being a morgue attendant.

This morning I had a right little Chuckle.

What's the difference between a Bruce Willis movie and a morgue?

Icy dead people.

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

What does a magician working in a morgue say?

Abracadaver!

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A man comes home from a hard day's work at the local morgue...

He says to his wife, "You'll never guess what I saw at work today, honey! Some dude just laying on the slab there. Guy had a fucking 12-inch cock, and it was thick as a beer can. Holy shit!"

His wife bursts into tears. "Oh my God! Fred's dead!?"

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Two pathologists are in a morgue...

...one says to the other,

"Hey, you know the blonde stiff in container C-06?"

"Yeah?" the other replies.

"Well, there's a prawn in between her legs."

"What?!"

"Yes, I swear!"

"Bullshit, show me."

The pathologist leads the other to the container, pulls...

Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.

It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

I work at a morgue

And my coworker just got arrested for giving dead bodies to an underground research facility. I'm surprised I never noticed until now. He always acted very shady and would leave with heavy "empty" body bags. It was a dead giveaway

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Michael Stipe confirms sex tape filmed at morgue is genuine...

..."That's me in the coroner."

The morgue needed someone to identify the exact weapon used to kill Native Americans...

Apparently Jack Daniels still does.

What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet?

Remains to be seen.

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Did you hear about the morgue operator who was stealing testicles?

Eight balls, coroners pocket.


(We were playing pool)

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An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your titties?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

The local morgue was clearing out old bodies.

Bunch of necrophiles showed up.

How did I know they were necrophiles?









It was a dead giveaway.

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him.

"To become a good pathologist you need t...

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Two guys are working in a morgue...

...when one guy comes in and says, "Hey man, did you see that good looking blonde they just brought in?"

"No, why?"

"She's got a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!"

"No way. You're fuckin' around."

"No, really, come see for yourself!"

They walk down to storage and o...

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Morgue Joke

So this elderly coroner and his new assistant are in the morgue when a body comes in. The coroner turns to his assistant and asks. "Are you ready, son?"

"Absolutely!" Says the assistant.

The doctor uncovers the body and the first thing the assistant notices is it's huge penis, the bigg...

I want to quit this job because no women will talk to me

Screw the morgue

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Two morgue workers are examining a dead naked woman...

One of the morgue workers looks at his partner and says "there's a shrimp hanging from this woman's pussy."

The second worker, puzzled, looks down and then back at his partner: "that's not a shrimp, that's her clit."

The other man goes "Funny, it didn't taste like a clit to me."

What's the policy at French morgues?

Baguette and tag it.

My boss said we need to remove the dead weight from our work.

Which is going to be tough, considering our job is in a morgue.

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Two morgue workers are talking...

They are telling stories about the people they've had on their table when one of them says: "I had a woman come in the other day and she had breasts like watermelons, man."

"Well, I had a woman come in the other day," the other one says, "and she had a clitoris like a lemon."

"What? Sh...

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Oldie but goodie.

There once was a small town, plagued with Foo birds. These were small but loathsome things. Harbingers of death, these birds were. Wherever they poo’d there would be death. The townsfolk were afraid to walk under trees and power lines, in case they became a Foo bird’s next victim.

Well one d...

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Ole and Sven get called into the morgue....

Lars's house had burned down and a charred body was found among the wreckage. The sheriff, knowing that Ole and Sven were good buddies of Lars, called them down to identify the body. Ole goes in first and the sheriff asks him "So is this Lars?" and Ole says "Well I'm not sure now. Could ya flip h...

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

An American & his wife are visiting Israel...

The long married couple have been travelling & seeing the sights for a few months.
One day, the man's wife suddenly dies.



At the morgue she is pronounced dead. The mortician says We can bury her here in Israel for $250 or cremate her for $1000.


The husband ponder...

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

A friend of mine said he wanted a man bag for his birthday

I told him I’d make him one at work and he seemed quite happy...

Just wait until he remembers I work at the morgue.

I lost my job because I kept eating directly from the fridge

Don’t they know how hard it is to find a Morgue currently hiring?

You might be a necropheliac if...

Shout out to Jeff Foxworthy for the inspiration. Here we go.

You might be a necropheliac if...

Your version of tinder is the local obituaries.

You have detailed knowledge of the security setup of every funeral home and cemetery in your city.

The contents of your trunk i...

Advanced doctors

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked.

"To the morgue," the doctor replied.

"What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!"

"And we're not there yet," the doctor said.

I’m the life and soul of my workplace

I work in a morgue

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the morgue on the other side. He was called in to identify his wife who had been hit by a truck that morning, due to failing to 'stop, look, and listen' before crossing the aforementioned road.

A man dies of a heart attack at 62 years old.

His widowed wife, after days of mourning, has to arrange the funeral service. She goes to the morgue and makes arrangements. During the detailing, she explains his last few wishes.

"He always told me, if he dies without disfigurement, he would like an open casket funeral so he would be rememb...

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A guy walks into a building

He walks up to the woman at the front desk.

He says “how much for one of your sex dolls?”

She says “your money is no good here sir.”

He says “why not?”

She says “Because this is a morgue.”

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

I once chased out a guy who was trying to steal meat cooking in one of the ovens

You meet a lot of strange people at the Morgue

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I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

Farts aren't usually scary.

Unless you hear them in a morgue.

A necrophiliac walks into a bar...

The bartender smiles and greets the corpse-lover, "Hey Paul, how's it going?! What can I get you tonight?"

“I've had a rough day so I'll take the hardest whiskey you've got, please." Answers Paul.

The bartender replies, "Oh man I've had those days."

A few seconds of silence pa...

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I saw a sick friend in hospital today...

He was masturbating in the morgue.

What's a mortician's favorite drink?

A morgue-arita.

I don't normally go out, but Open Mike Night sounded fun.

Then we got to the morgue.

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So I was having sex with a girl from work...

She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us.

Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue.

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Bubba died in a horrific accident and they were unable to reach his family to identify the body.

So they brought in his two best friends Leroy and Jimmy, as the three of them went everywhere together. When they walked into the morgue they were unable to tell for certain, as his face had been badly mangled. Leroy asks the mortician to roll him over so he can check to be sure. As soon as he ro...

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I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

What did the necrophilic do on the way home?

Stop by the morgue for a cold one.

A man gets married and wants to have children

A man gets married and wants to have children. His wife works hard at her job performing autopsies, and they save up enough money to where the husband starts talking seriously about having a child. She is very stand-offish about it, but he continues to bring it up repeatedly. One day, after picki...

Me: Hello do you accept walk-ins?

Morgue: What.

If you encounter enemies, you’re on the right path

Unless when you’re walking in a morgue, that is.

I found out where to get credible sources for anti-vaxers!!!

The Morgue

I tried a deadlift for the first time last week...

The mortician sternly asked me to leave the morgue.

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