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Morgue Jokes

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A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.



Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

Why is a morgue like a neckbeard convention?

It is full of people with no lives

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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes

getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began pla...

Why did the chicken go to the morgue?

To get to the other side.

What is the farmers side job at the morgue

Cornorer!

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Three nurses in the morgue...

Three nurses went down to the morgue and found a dead guy lying there with a hard-on. *" It's a shame to waste that!"* exclaimed the first nurse, so she proceeds to ride him. The second nurse didn't hesitate to ride the guy after the first nurse was done, but the third was a bit hesitant because she...

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What do you call a morgue that doubles as a porn set?

A creamatorium.

I met my dream girl at the morgue

but she didn't warm up to my advances.

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Old Mr. Rutledge died peacefully in his sleep and was taken to the morgue.

While fixing him up for the funeral, the mortician naturally got a look at the old dead man naked. He was so awestruck at the size of Rutledge's penis that he called his assistant in. Wow, good on you, Mr. Rutledge! That thing's gotta be the size of a baseball bat!" the assistant commented.

L...

There were three nurses in a morgue... They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on. The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste".

After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it.
The 2nd nurse did the same.
The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period.
After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it.
After 3 minutes the man woke up.
The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a fe...

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

The best part about working in a morgue

Remains to be seen.

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I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

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Two guys are working in a morgue

Two guys are working in a morgue. One of them comes up to the other and says, "Did you see that that woman on that table had a shrimp coming out of her vagina?"

The other guy says, "That wasn't a shrimp, that was her clit."

The first guy says, "That's weird... It sure tasted like shrim...

Why aren't morgues round?

Because then there'd be no coroners.

What do you get when you cross a comedy club with a morgue?

An open Mike night.

What does a necrophiliac get when he wakes up at the morgue? NSFW

Mourning wood.

I'm sorry.

Morgue employee cremated while taking a nap....

I guess two people got fired that day.

I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor.

I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.

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A group of students were in a morgue...

A group of students were in a morgue. They were eager to learn more from their professor. He stood at the front of the class right next to a fresh corpse.

He turned to the class and said
“The first rule of my class is to be totally devoted to the class. I need you to each do exactly as I...

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Two morgue workers are talking...

They are telling stories about the people they've had on their table when one of them says: "I had a woman come in the other day and she had breasts like watermelons, man."

"Well, I had a woman come in the other day," the other one says, "and she had a clitoris like a lemon."

"What? Sh...

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

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So there's this pathologist who's just walked into the morgue with his medical students

They walk over to a cadaver that's just arrived that morning.

"Please observe the following" he says. He takes his index finger and shoves it up the anus of the cadaver, pulls it out and sucks on his finger. "Now you all try" he says as each student puts their index finger up the anus and li...

Did you hear about the layoffs at the morgue?

They’re really cutting coroners

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When all the males in the morgue freezer were found missing their penis, police immediately suspected Guy Fieri.

After all, who else would try to pull off frosted tips like that?

Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.

It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

I got fired from the morgue.

They caught me with my cookie in the hand jar.

I love the morgue

It's the best place to crack a cold one with the boys.

What's the main similarity between a morgue and an office complex?

Both are good places for a stiff to go.

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Morgue Joke

So this elderly coroner and his new assistant are in the morgue when a body comes in. The coroner turns to his assistant and asks. "Are you ready, son?"

"Absolutely!" Says the assistant.

The doctor uncovers the body and the first thing the assistant notices is it's huge penis, the bigg...

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Michael Stipe confirms sex tape filmed at morgue is genuine...

..."That's me in the coroner."

Why was the mathematician disappointed by the empty morgue?

There was no body to count on.

Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today

So the death row inmates were left hanging.

A doctor from the morgue calls the local dealership: "How many motorcycles did you sell today?" "Four."

"Oh, looks like one is still riding"

How did everyone know about the sweepstakes held by the morgue?

It was a dead giveaway.

What did the diener say after a long shift at the morgue?

"Time to crack open a boy with the cold ones."

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A young intern working in a morgue goes to the older coroner with a startling discovery.

"This is gonna sound weird, but the drowning victim that just came in has a umm...shrimp sticking out of her vagina."

The coroner smiles and explains to him that it's likely her clitoris, since with drowning victims, it can often become swollen and take on a strange appearance..

"Funny...

The local morgue was clearing out old bodies.

Bunch of necrophiles showed up.

How did I know they were necrophiles?









It was a dead giveaway.

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A man comes home from a hard day's work at the local morgue...

He says to his wife, "You'll never guess what I saw at work today, honey! Some dude just laying on the slab there. Guy had a fucking 12-inch cock, and it was thick as a beer can. Holy shit!"

His wife bursts into tears. "Oh my God! Fred's dead!?"

What's the policy at French morgues?

Baguette and tag it.

A perk of a career at the morgue is you always get the coroner office.

The only downside is the stiff competition.

I found my ex girlfriend’s dead body at the morgue I work at

She’s still giving me the cold shoulder.

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Two pathologists are in a morgue...

...one says to the other,

"Hey, you know the blonde stiff in container C-06?"

"Yeah?" the other replies.

"Well, there's a prawn in between her legs."

"What?!"

"Yes, I swear!"

"Bullshit, show me."

The pathologist leads the other to the container, pulls...

What does a magician working in a morgue say?

Abracadaver!

What's the difference between a Bruce Willis movie and a morgue?

Icy dead people.

I read a news article saying that there's a backlog of bodies piling up at the morgue.

Must be that God damn Coronervirus.

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Two guys are working in a morgue...

...when one guy comes in and says, "Hey man, did you see that good looking blonde they just brought in?"

"No, why?"

"She's got a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!"

"No way. You're fuckin' around."

"No, really, come see for yourself!"

They walk down to storage and o...

I have a lot of work to do in the morgue today.

There's a new deadline I need to meet.

Dr. Frankenstein finally became popular enough in his own right to gain unlimited access to cemeteries and morgues for his creations.

I guess to the Victor goes the spoils.

My wife was so upset when I brought a basket full of cadaver feet home from the morgue the week before Christmas...

I thought they'd make great stocking-stuffers.

Women. I just can't read 'em.

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An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having sex with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to ...

A mortician and a recent widow are in the morgue, her dead husband in a casket wearing a grey suit...

The widow says "Harold always liked a blue suit, like that man over there in the casket is wearing". The mortician says, "No problem M'am, I'll take care of it if you step out for a few minutes". Five minutes later, the mortician calls her back in and sure enough, her husband is wearing the blue s...

Why were the police so sure it was the morgue handing out bodies every night?

It was literally a dead giveaway.

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Did you hear about the morgue operator who was stealing testicles?

Eight balls, coroners pocket.


(We were playing pool)

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Two morgue workers are examining a dead naked woman...

One of the morgue workers looks at his partner and says "there's a shrimp hanging from this woman's pussy."

The second worker, puzzled, looks down and then back at his partner: "that's not a shrimp, that's her clit."

The other man goes "Funny, it didn't taste like a clit to me."

I had no idea I wasn't allowed to remove body parts from the morgue until the mortician told me.

When he said it, I was takin' a back.

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Ole and Sven get called into the morgue....

Lars's house had burned down and a charred body was found among the wreckage. The sheriff, knowing that Ole and Sven were good buddies of Lars, called them down to identify the body. Ole goes in first and the sheriff asks him "So is this Lars?" and Ole says "Well I'm not sure now. Could ya flip h...

What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet?

Remains to be seen.

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him. "To become a good pathologist you need to lear...

What’s the worst profession to have a really chatty patient?

Morgue worker

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

Despite what people think, it's not all doom and gloom being a morgue attendant.

This morning I had a right little Chuckle.

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

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So my crush from high school came into my work today & we had sexy time!

I work at a morgue.

there's no better experience than cracking open a cold one at the end of the work day

i love working at the morgue.

My wife always gets upset when I bring my work home

Is it my fault we’re short staffed down at the morgue?

I want to quit this job because no women will talk to me

Screw the morgue

Good Doctor

Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”

Doctor: “To the morgue.”

Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”

Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”

I have the heart of a champion, the brain of a genius

and the keys to the county morgue.

My boss said we need to remove the dead weight from our work.

Which is going to be tough, considering our job is in a morgue.

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So I was having sex with a girl from work...

She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us.

Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue.

Today I met my favorite celebrity at work.

It sucks working in a morgue

I was out on the west coast, trying to sell some guns to a street gang.

The gang member handed me a bag of severed toes with tiny $'s and tiny blue bandanas tied to them. I said "What's this?! No cash?!" He said it was the latest trend "Crip Toe Currency".

After a few months I wanted to buy a stolen sports car, but had no cash. My friend worked at a morgue so he ...

I’m the life and soul of my workplace

I work in a morgue

A sick guy is in an ambulance.

He notices that the driver drives right past the hospital and says: Hey, where are you taking me?

The driver says: To the morgue.

The sick guy goes: The morgue? But I'm not dead yet.

Driver goes: We're not at the morgue yet.

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Can this corona be transmitted via sex?

Please, someone let me know. It's urgent.


I work at the morgue.

I don't normally go out, but Open Mike Night sounded fun.

Then we got to the morgue.

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An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your titties?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

Advanced doctors

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked.

"To the morgue," the doctor replied.

"What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!"

"And we're not there yet," the doctor said.

I once chased out a guy who was trying to steal meat cooking in one of the ovens

You meet a lot of strange people at the Morgue

A friend of mine said he wanted a man bag for his birthday

I told him I’d make him one at work and he seemed quite happy...

Just wait until he remembers I work at the morgue.

I lost my job because I kept eating directly from the fridge

Don’t they know how hard it is to find a Morgue currently hiring?

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Ed gets in a car accident...

Ed gets in a car accident, and dies in a fiery explosion. His body is horribly burned, and no identification can be found. The mortician needs help positively identifying his body, so he he calls Ed's two best friends.

The first friend comes into the morgue, looks at the body, and says "Wow, ...

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

What's a mortician's favorite drink?

A morgue-arita.

I tried a deadlift for the first time last week...

The mortician sternly asked me to leave the morgue.

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I saw a sick friend in hospital today...

He was masturbating in the morgue.

Me: Hello do you accept walk-ins?

Morgue: What.

I found out where to get credible sources for anti-vaxers!!!

The Morgue

If you encounter enemies, you’re on the right path

Unless when you’re walking in a morgue, that is.

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A guy walks into a building

He walks up to the woman at the front desk.

He says “how much for one of your sex dolls?”

She says “your money is no good here sir.”

He says “why not?”

She says “Because this is a morgue.”

A man dies of a heart attack at 62 years old.

His widowed wife, after days of mourning, has to arrange the funeral service. She goes to the morgue and makes arrangements. During the detailing, she explains his last few wishes.

"He always told me, if he dies without disfigurement, he would like an open casket funeral so he would be rememb...

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