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Morgue Jokes

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

Why is a morgue like a neckbeard convention?

It is full of people with no lives

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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes

getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's . Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began pla...

Why did the chicken go to the morgue?

To get to the other side.

What is the farmers side job at the morgue

Cornorer!

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My mate asked me why I have noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during .”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

The best part about working in a morgue

Remains to be seen.

I met my dream girl at the morgue

but she didn't warm up to my advances.

Why aren't morgues round?

Because then there'd be no coroners.

What do you get when you cross a comedy club with a morgue?

An open Mike night.

What does a necrophiliac get when he wakes up at the morgue?

Mourning wood.

I'm sorry.

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So there's this pathologist who's just walked into the morgue with his medical students

They walk over to a cadaver that's just arrived that morning.

"Please observe the following" he says. He takes his index finger and shoves it up the of the cadaver, pulls it out and on his finger. "Now you all try" he says as each student puts their index finger up the and li...

Morgue employee cremated while taking a nap....

I guess two people got fired that day.

I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor.

I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.

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Morgue Joke

So this elderly coroner and his new assistant are in the morgue when a body comes in. The coroner turns to his assistant and asks. "Are you ready, son?"

"Absolutely!" Says the assistant.

The doctor uncovers the body and the first thing the assistant notices is it's huge , the bigg...

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

Did you hear about the layoffs at the morgue?

They’re really cutting coroners

Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.

It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

I love the morgue

It's the best place to crack a cold one with the boys.

What's the main similarity between a morgue and an office complex?

Both are good places for a stiff to go.

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Michael Stipe confirms tape filmed at morgue is genuine...

..."That's me in the coroner."

Why was the mathematician disappointed by the empty morgue?

There was no body to count on.

Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today

So the death row inmates were left hanging.

A doctor from the morgue calls the local dealership: "How many motorcycles did you sell today?" "Four."

"Oh, looks like one is still riding"

How did everyone know about the sweepstakes held by the morgue?

It was a dead giveaway.

What did the diener say after a long shift at the morgue?

"Time to crack open a boy with the cold ones."

The local morgue was clearing out old bodies.

Bunch of necrophiles showed up.

How did I know they were necrophiles?









It was a dead giveaway.

What's the policy at French morgues?

Baguette and tag it.

A perk of a career at the morgue is you always get the coroner office.

The only downside is the stiff competition.

I found my ex girlfriend’s dead body at the morgue I work at

She’s still giving me the cold shoulder.

What does a magician working in a morgue say?

Abracadaver!

What's the difference between a Bruce Willis movie and a morgue?

Icy dead people.

I read a news article saying that there's a backlog of bodies piling up at the morgue.

Must be that Coronervirus.

I have a lot of work to do in the morgue today.

There's a new deadline I need to meet.

Dr. Frankenstein finally became popular enough in his own right to gain unlimited access to cemeteries and morgues for his creations.

I guess to the Victor goes the spoils.

My wife was so upset when I brought a basket full of cadaver feet home from the morgue the week before Christmas...

I thought they'd make great stocking-stuffers.

Women. I just can't read 'em.

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An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to ...

A mortician and a recent widow are in the morgue, her dead husband in a casket wearing a grey suit...

The widow says "Harold always liked a blue suit, like that man over there in the casket is wearing". The mortician says, "No problem M'am, I'll take care of it if you step out for a few minutes". Five minutes later, the mortician calls her back in and sure enough, her husband is wearing the blue s...

Why were the police so sure it was the morgue handing out bodies every night?

It was literally a dead giveaway.

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Did you hear about the morgue operator who was stealing testicles?

Eight balls, coroners pocket.


(We were playing pool)

I had no idea I wasn't allowed to remove body parts from the morgue until the mortician told me.

When he said it, I was takin' a back.

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Ole and Sven get called into the morgue....

Lars's house had burned down and a charred body was found among the wreckage. The sheriff, knowing that Ole and Sven were good buddies of Lars, called them down to identify the body. Ole goes in first and the sheriff asks him "So is this Lars?" and Ole says "Well I'm not sure now. Could ya flip h...

What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet?

Remains to be seen.

What’s the worst profession to have a really chatty patient?

Morgue worker

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

Despite what people think, it's not all doom and gloom being a morgue attendant.

This morning I had a right little Chuckle.

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So my crush from high school came into my work today & we had time!

I work at a morgue.

there's no better experience than cracking open a cold one at the end of the work day

i love working at the morgue.

My wife always gets upset when I bring my work home

Is it my fault we’re short staffed down at the morgue?

I want to quit this job because no women will talk to me

Screw the morgue

Good Doctor

Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”

Doctor: “To the morgue.”

Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”

Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”

I have the heart of a champion, the brain of a genius

and the keys to the county morgue.

My boss said we need to remove the dead weight from our work.

Which is going to be tough, considering our job is in a morgue.

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So I was having with a girl from work...

She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us.

Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue.

Today I met my favorite celebrity at work.

It working in a morgue

I was out on the west coast, trying to sell some guns to a street gang.

The gang member handed me a bag of severed toes with tiny $'s and tiny blue bandanas tied to them. I said "What's this?! No cash?!" He said it was the latest trend "Crip Toe Currency".

After a few months I wanted to buy a stolen sports car, but had no cash. My friend worked at a morgue so he ...

I’m the life and soul of my workplace

I work in a morgue

A sick guy is in an ambulance.

He notices that the driver drives right past the hospital and says: Hey, where are you taking me?

The driver says: To the morgue.

The sick guy goes: The morgue? But I'm not dead yet.

Driver goes: We're not at the morgue yet.

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Can this corona be transmitted via ?

Please, someone let me know. It's urgent.


I work at the morgue.

I don't normally go out, but Open Mike Night sounded fun.

Then we got to the morgue.

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An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your ?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your ?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

Advanced doctors

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked.

"To the morgue," the doctor replied.

"What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!"

"And we're not there yet," the doctor said.

I once chased out a guy who was trying to steal meat cooking in one of the ovens

You meet a lot of strange people at the Morgue

A friend of mine said he wanted a man bag for his birthday

I told him I’d make him one at work and he seemed quite happy...

Just wait until he remembers I work at the morgue.

I lost my job because I kept eating directly from the fridge

Don’t they know how hard it is to find a Morgue currently hiring?

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Ed gets in a car accident...

Ed gets in a car accident, and dies in a fiery explosion. His body is horribly burned, and no identification can be found. The mortician needs help positively identifying his body, so he he calls Ed's two best friends.

The first friend comes into the morgue, looks at the body, and says "Wow, ...

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

What's a mortician's favorite drink?

A morgue-arita.

I tried a deadlift for the first time last week...

The mortician sternly asked me to leave the morgue.

Me: Hello do you accept walk-ins?

Morgue: What.

I found out where to get credible sources for anti-vaxers!!!

The Morgue

If you encounter enemies, you’re on the right path

Unless when you’re walking in a morgue, that is.

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A guy walks into a building

He walks up to the woman at the front desk.

He says “how much for one of your dolls?”

She says “your money is no good here sir.”

He says “why not?”

She says “Because this is a morgue.”

A man dies of a heart attack at 62 years old.

His widowed wife, after days of mourning, has to arrange the funeral service. She goes to the morgue and makes arrangements. During the detailing, she explains his last few wishes.

"He always told me, if he dies without disfigurement, he would like an open casket funeral so he would be rememb...
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