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Medic Jokes

When I was young, I decided to go to medical school…

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange the letters:

P N E I S

to form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on Facebook.

It’s really sad how my friend lost his medical license for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet

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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

Walmart installed a medical kiosk. For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine...

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

My best friend is strongly against medication.

He's never around when I'm on my anti-psychotic medication.

What do you call a person who graduated at the bottom of their class in medical school?

Doctor

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I went for a yearly medical exam the other day and the doctor told me that I need to stop masturbating.

I said, well, OK, but why? The doctor said "Because we need to start your medical exam."

The two medical examiners

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an...

The medical examiner's office was told to reduce their budget

They had to start cutting coroners.

Bugs Bunny goes to a medical convention

He meets a cardiologist, and says "what's up, doc?"

He meets a dentist, and says "what's up, doc?"

He meets a chiropractor, and says "what's up?"

My friend graduated from medical school after 7 years.

He then got a job at his local clinic, but shortly got fired after that for sleeping with his patients!

He was one of the most promising veterinarians in our class

I went to the library to check out a medical book on abdominal pain

but when I got it home, I found that someone had ripped out the appendix.

Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication?

For Hispanic attacks.

I ended up in a party full of World Health Organisation medics.

Apparently I'd gone to the wrong Doctor WHO convention.

Free

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking y...

I accidentally took my cat's medication...

Don't ask meow.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

You want to witness medical miracles?

Then watch a soccer match.

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

What do you call a medical school student who graduates with the lowest grade point average in his class?

A doctor

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Getting older is rough. This month I only had enough money to get either my Viagra or my Alzheimers medication.

I can't recall which one I chose...

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young (who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine) thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000
so he went to Dr. Geeze...

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An Amish kid has a medical issue...

An Amish kid has a medical issue that necessitates a hospital visit in the big city. The family travels to the big city for the very first time, and the mother heads to the check-in desk at the hospital.

Meantime the father and son see a metal door on a wall. An elderly woman on crutches push...

10 out of 11 medical students failed in their medical exams.

In the end, 9 of them recommended the same thing..

Colgate

What do you call the trained medical personnel who draws blood at the hospital?

Nurse Feratu

What‘s the medical term for fear of palindromes?

Aibohphobia.

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

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Simple old man goes to the doctor

The doctor prescribes him a medice and tells him:

"You have to take this through your rectum"

Old man doesn't quite understand, goes back home and asks his wife:

"What's rectum?"

"I don't know, why don't you go ask the doctor"

Back to the doctor's office he tries t...

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

What do you call a paraplegic who self medicates with drugs and gambling?

A High Roller

what do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention ?

.
.
.
.


You call the hambulance.

I don't think my doctor went to medical school

He keeps insisting I have cancer, no matter how many times I tell him I'm a scorpio

Why couldn’t Jesus get into medical school?

He kept getting hung up on the boards

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

What was the name of the mission to revive the production of dramatic medical plays?

Operation Theatre

One day, a boy was walking down a road when a frog called to him

The boy picked up the frog, smiled at it, then placed the frog into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, “Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I will stay with you for a week.” The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it, then put it back into his po...

My Granny thought the Doctor was hitting on her after her medical....

Apparently Her hearing is going and she's got Acute Angina.

I got my medications mixed up.

I confused my anti-depressant medication with my erectile dysfunction medication. Life just keeps getting harder.

I tried to apply for a medical exemption for the COVID vaccine.

Apparently being a republican isn’t an acceptable medical condition.

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Medicinal Astrology

During his routine medical check, John asked the doctor, " Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life ?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

John said, " I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

"Neither do I", replied the doctor, "M...

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills

# For all who know/knew that poem of Rudyard Kipling’s, “If”

**A delightful take-off!**

**If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,**

**If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,**

**If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,*...

It's irritating when students get ahead of themselves...

These days many college students assume that they're doing the job already. That's not how it works, you need to get the certification, or get the job.

Engineering students shouldn't call themselves engineers

Medical students shouldn't call themselves doctors

Law students shoul...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

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How many medical professionals does it take to change alight bulb?

One nurse to check the temperature of the bulb. One GP to suspect the bulb is burnt out. One specialist to confirm the diagnosis. A surgeon and an anesthesiologist for this major organ transplant. A team of nurses and PAs to aid in the surgery. And a physical therapist to aid in the socket's recover...

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

What do you call stolen digestive medication?

Klepto-Bismol

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

What medication does Putin take for his depression?

USSRIs

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

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It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

A guy walks into a bar, orders a bottle of champagne and yells "Happy New Year!"

"It's not even close to midnight yet, you idiot," the bartender reprimands him. "Oh, I'm sorry. I suspect I might have a rare medical condition that makes me yell that," the guy apologizes. "I think I suffer from premature congratulations."

Whoever Stole My Anti-Depression Medications

I Hope You're Happy!

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The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

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I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

It was smart to use Khloe Kardashian in those ads for migraine medication.

I know that not all people that have migraines watch the Kardashians, but everyone who watches the Kardashians has migraines.

Two friends, George and Ted, were sitting in a bar and talking.

"I just don't know what to do about my son," George said sadly. "He graduated from high school last year, and he still hasn't enrolled in any colleges or gotten a job."

"Maybe I could help your son get a job at the local hospital," said Ted. "I work there, you know. If your son starts working...

Granny goes to the doctor.

She tells the doctor:
Look I have a big problem.
I have so SO much gas, thankfully it is not loud or smelly, but I need something about it.
Doctor said: Ok ask the pharmacist for this medication, take 1 pill each morning and come back in a week.

So the granny goes in a week lat...

The last wish

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.

He told them that he wanted ...

Doctor - I finally figured out why your pain isn't going away. Even though these medications are called analgesics

They are supposed to be inserted in your mouth.

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why is my wife pregnant?

A man told the doctor, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."



The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."



"What’s a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.



The doctor replied...

A nurse went to the hospital for her first day on the job

Due to a miscommunication she did not know the name of the ward she had been assigned. Instead she was told to take medicine to the ward since the supervisor was running late

Upon reaching the spot, she saw there were only 3 men in the hospital beds. Starting her shift, she began to hand out ...

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Medical emergency

Man was rushed to hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt.

His condition is described as stable.

My doctor warned me one of the side effects of my new medication was an increased urge to gamble

I told her I’d bet $50 that wouldn’t happen to me.

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.

Gonorrhea

A gymnast goes into a bar

Medic!!!

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What's the medical term for an asshole transplant?

An election.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

A medical student

A medical student walks into his favorite local bar and orders a beer. "I've finally decided what my practice will specialize in," the student tells the bartender. "It will be in the study and treatment of the diseases and disorders of the Adam's apple." "Is there some sort of fancy medical name for...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.

They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

what do you call medical students who graduated online?

google docs

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Startup for medical tests via butthole swabs

TheirAnus

Godzilla finally decided it was time to go to medical school…

because he really knew how to handle himself in an emerge-in-sea situation.

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

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First day at medical school..

It was the first day at medical school and all the students gathered around a corpse in a lab next to the professor.

The professor says, "There are two important lessons every person wanting to be a doctor should learn. The first lesson is that you should never feel disgusted about the human ...

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Medical Problem

A man was admitted to hospital today with twenty-five toy horses stuffed up his rectum. doctors have listed his condition as 'stable'.

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A 45 y.o. married woman went for a medical check-up

After she returned home she says to her husband:
'Good news, everything is ok, & the doctor even said I have the breasts of a 25 y.o. woman'


Husband says: 'Oh really, & what did he say about your 45 y.o. ass?'


Wife: 'Funnily enough, your name never came up'

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

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Words

There is a great distinction between the words **Guts** and **Balls**...

But few people can tell what the difference between them is.

To clarify:

**GUTS** – Is arriving home late, after a night out with your mates, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask...

I’ve just got my latest batch of hemorrhoids medication but I had to call the doctor when I got a bad reaction. He asked ‘where did you apply it?...

On the bus I said.

Dr Dre may not be a real medic but...

...he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

A man is on his deathbed.

Long

A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take ...

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or art students calling themselves baristas.

What's the number one reason for requesting a medical marijuana card?

"I need it for my joints!"

What did the field medic say to the uncooperative wounded soldier?

Suture self.

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

What do you call a medic who jumps out of a plane?

A paramedic.

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

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I blended a little Viagra and some penis enlargement medication into my eyedrops.

It made me take a long, hard look at myself.

Grandma's dream finally came true and she went to medical school

As a cadaver

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Medical joke...

I work in medicine and I've been getting a lot of emails and messages about counterfeit drugs coming into America. Apparently some medications are being sold in America that were made in backwoods factories and third world countries. The latest message I got from the FDA was to be on the lookout f...

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A woman goes to the doctors as she hears a whistling sound from her vagina

A woman goes to the Doctor and says "My vagina whistles when I walk".

The Doctor sits surprised as the woman proceeds to walk up and down the office, all the while her vagina lets out a shrill whistle. He examines her and can find nothing to indicate why this is happening.

"I ca...

Did you know there's only one medical procedure where you *have* to leave a tip?

Circumcision.

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...

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Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

Sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and many hours of hard work, one of my colleagues was struck off today due to a minor indiscretion....

He slept with one of his patients. Even though they were good friends, he is no longer allowed to work in the profession he has loved all this time. Such a shame as he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet...

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An Australian medical helpline...

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Three old farts talking

Three very elderly men are discussing their medical woes.

The 70-year-old says,

\- “I have an awful time with my bladder. I have to go all the time, and sometimes it comes on pretty suddenly."

The 80-year-old says,

\- “It’s my bowels. Hardly any control at all. Always h...

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

What do you call a racist ex-Marine who medically treats animals?

A veteran aryan

medical joke

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What kind of fish has a medical degree?

A Sturgeon.

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A guy with an extremely long dick went his doctor for a medical.

The doctor said, "That's possible the longest dick I've ever seen!"
The guy said, "My brother's is the same length."
The doctor asked, "is it genetics?"
And the guy say, "Not really, our mother only had one arm and had to get all us kids out of the bath the best way she could."

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Medical science has come a long way.

There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the foreskin from new born males and create eyelids for those born without ...

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements?

***Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.***

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The Moth and the Podiatrist

A podiatrist finishes up with his last patient of the day when in walks a moth.

The podiatrist says, “I’m just about to close up for the night, but I don’t have much going on. What seems to be the matter?”

The moth says, “Everything, Doc. I’m thinking of killing myself. The company I’v...

Medical Advice

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Doctor, what's the matter with me?"

"You're not eating properly."

A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.

A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.

The medic says: "My job is the oldest because when God made Eve from Adams rib, that was a medical procedure."

The architect says: "Hold up! Before Adam and Eve, God created the universe. That's an arch...

Exam

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you're jus...

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My girlfriend asked if I could get a bell medically implanted in my penis

So she can hear me coming

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At the medical appointment

Patient: every day at 8 am I poop

Doctor: this is good, what is the problem?

Patient: is that I wake up at 9

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I was in a plane when the man next to me sneezed, and wiped his knob with a napkin.

I was dumbfounded, but didn't want to make a fuss so I let it go, hoping it just wouldn't happen again. Ten minutes later, the same again: the man sneezed and wiped his knob with a napkin. I was disturbed but decided it must be something medical, so again decided to leave it alone. The third time it...

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A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

Did you hear about the accountant that helped their urologist open a new medical practice?

They had a going concern.

Little John wonders...

Little John, 8 years old, looks down his pants and asks his dad: 'Dad, how much does my soldier weigh?'. His dad, a medical docter replies: 'about 150 grams I think.'

A bit later, John asks his dad: 'Dad, how much does your soldier weigh?'. He replies: 'hmm, must be 350 grams I think.'
...

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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes

getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began pla...

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grand kids, so I made my own.

With the far right prescribing UV and sunlight for medical cures

They have finally seen the benefits of solar power.

A madhouse was to be demolished.

All the interns were to be transported to a new mental asylum. So they loaded a truck with all the patients that reside there, as well as some of the psychiatric staff to maintain the order, but in the middle of the way to the madmen's new home, there was a violent accident that resulted in the cras...

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