UPJOKE
physicianparamediccorpsmanmedical officerdoctormedicalsurgeondocnurseambulanceplatoonreservistairmansergeantcrewman

I accidentally took my cat's medication...

Don't ask meow.

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The Medical Kiosk

Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine...

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Getting older is rough. This month I only had enough money to get either my Viagra or my Alzheimers medication.

I can't recall which one I chose...

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

What do you call a person who gets the worst grades in medical school, but still graduates?

Doctor.

A man goes to the psychiatrist to get some medication

He asks “Will I be able to play piano after taking these?”

The psychiatrist says “Yes, of course.”

The man replies “Great. I couldn’t before.”

What do you call a paraplegic who self medicates with drugs and gambling?

A High Roller

Why couldn’t Jesus get into medical school?

He kept getting hung up on the boards

what do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention ?

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You call the hambulance.

My Granny thought the Doctor was hitting on her after her medical....

Apparently Her hearing is going and she's got Acute Angina.

I don't think my doctor went to medical school

He keeps insisting I have cancer, no matter how many times I tell him I'm a scorpio

Medical Emergency! A man goes to the doctor's with a pained expression on his face.

"Doctor", he says, "Last year I was on a sailing yacht and smoking my usual cigar when unfortunately I sat down on a box of emergency distress signals and got badly burned."

"Oh," replies the doctor, "that sounds very painful. But are you in pain now, even a year later?"

"Well", says t...

I got my medications mixed up.

I confused my anti-depressant medication with my erectile dysfunction medication. Life just keeps getting harder.

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Stepped on casual sex and need urgent medical advice!

Sorry for any errors, i don't speak English so this is all through Google Translate. I stepped on a casual sex and I can't get it out of my foot, which is bleeding profusely. I'm nowhere near a hospital or clinic. I f do have a first aid kit What do I do?!

What is the medication that is most hated by religious people?

The Ibuprofane

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

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How many medical professionals does it take to change alight bulb?

One nurse to check the temperature of the bulb. One GP to suspect the bulb is burnt out. One specialist to confirm the diagnosis. A surgeon and an anesthesiologist for this major organ transplant. A team of nurses and PAs to aid in the surgery. And a physical therapist to aid in the socket's recover...

I tried to apply for a medical exemption for the COVID vaccine.

Apparently being a republican isn’t an acceptable medical condition.

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

It was smart to use Khloe Kardashian in those ads for migraine medication.

I know that not all people that have migraines watch the Kardashians, but everyone who watches the Kardashians has migraines.

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your...

What do you call stolen digestive medication?

Klepto-Bismol

What medication does Putin take for his depression?

USSRIs

Where does a Sharecropper go to pick up medications for his livestock?

At a farmacy!

Doctor - I finally figured out why your pain isn't going away. Even though these medications are called analgesics

They are supposed to be inserted in your mouth.

My doctor warned me one of the side effects of my new medication was an increased urge to gamble

I told her I’d bet $50 that wouldn’t happen to me.

Whoever Stole My Anti-Depression Medications

I Hope You're Happy!

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The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

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A New Suit

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem....

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

Professional Help

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some...

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

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Medical emergency

Man was rushed to hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt.

His condition is described as stable.

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It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or art students calling themselves baristas.

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.

Gonorrhea

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A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

A medical student

A medical student walks into his favorite local bar and orders a beer. "I've finally decided what my practice will specialize in," the student tells the bartender. "It will be in the study and treatment of the diseases and disorders of the Adam's apple." "Is there some sort of fancy medical name for...

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read this

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two m...

Godzilla finally decided it was time to go to medical school…

because he really knew how to handle himself in an emerge-in-sea situation.

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Startup for medical tests via butthole swabs

TheirAnus

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

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What's the medical term for an asshole transplant?

An election.

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

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Did you know that the medical name for Viagra is...

Mycoxaflopin.

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I was in a plane when the man next to me sneezed, and wiped his knob with a napkin.

I was dumbfounded, but didn't want to make a fuss so I let it go, hoping it just wouldn't happen again. Ten minutes later, the same again: the man sneezed and wiped his knob with a napkin. I was disturbed but decided it must be something medical, so again decided to leave it alone. The third time it...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

A job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer ...

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.

They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.

Grandma's dream finally came true and she went to medical school

As a cadaver

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Medical Problem

A man was admitted to hospital today with twenty-five toy horses stuffed up his rectum. doctors have listed his condition as 'stable'.

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First day at medical school..

It was the first day at medical school and all the students gathered around a corpse in a lab next to the professor.

The professor says, "There are two important lessons every person wanting to be a doctor should learn. The first lesson is that you should never feel disgusted about the human ...

What do you call it when a physician corrects your punctuation?

A medically induced comma.

what do you call medical students who graduated online?

google docs

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

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A guy with an extremely long dick went his doctor for a medical.

The doctor said, "That's possible the longest dick I've ever seen!"
The guy said, "My brother's is the same length."
The doctor asked, "is it genetics?"
And the guy say, "Not really, our mother only had one arm and had to get all us kids out of the bath the best way she could."

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A 45 y.o. married woman went for a medical check-up

After she returned home she says to her husband:
'Good news, everything is ok, & the doctor even said I have the breasts of a 25 y.o. woman'


Husband says: 'Oh really, & what did he say about your 45 y.o. ass?'


Wife: 'Funnily enough, your name never came up'

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...

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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls

We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Gu...

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To Whom It May Concern

Mr. Jones, a 60-year old man has a heart attack while making love to his wife. Panicked, she calls 911. Paramedics arrive and take Mr. Jones to a hospital, where Dr. Goldman performs an emergency procedure to unblock Mr. Jones’ arteries.

Mr. Jones returns home from the hospital and, after a f...

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

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Medical joke...

I work in medicine and I've been getting a lot of emails and messages about counterfeit drugs coming into America. Apparently some medications are being sold in America that were made in backwoods factories and third world countries. The latest message I got from the FDA was to be on the lookout f...

What was the number 1 reason for requesting medical marijuana?

'I need it for my joints!'

What do you call a racist ex-Marine who medically treats animals?

A veteran aryan

Life saving

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff? " the frustrated student blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later th...

I’ve just got my latest batch of hemorrhoids medication but I had to call the doctor when I got a bad reaction. He asked ‘where did you apply it?...

On the bus I said.

medical joke

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste.

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Medical science has come a long way.

There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the foreskin from new born males and create eyelids for those born without ...

Did you know there's only one medical procedure where you *have* to leave a tip?

Circumcision.

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements?

***Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.***

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Essential medicine

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, ...

Medical Advice

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Doctor, what's the matter with me?"

"You're not eating properly."

Dad jokes

Do you know what they call the student that finished last in medical school?

Doctor

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

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Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

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A construction worker tells his boss that he has a terrible headache

The boss answers: "Hey, what I do if I have a headache is, I go home and have sex with my wife, then my head is clear again and I can come back to work"

The worker says he doesn't know about this and prefers taking some medication.

But this doesn't work, and so the boss basically order...

Dr Dre may not be a real medic but...

...he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

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I blended a little Viagra and some penis enlargement medication into my eyedrops.

It made me take a long, hard look at myself.

Did you hear about the accountant that helped their urologist open a new medical practice?

They had a going concern.

Sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and many hours of hard work, one of my colleagues was struck off today due to a minor indiscretion....

He slept with one of his patients. Even though they were good friends, he is no longer allowed to work in the profession he has loved all this time. Such a shame as he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet...

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An Australian medical helpline...

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grand kids, so I made my own.

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

What did the field medic say to the uncooperative wounded soldier?

Suture self.

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

What kind of fish has a medical degree?

A Sturgeon.

Did you hear about the Russian soldier that had the most confirmed kills in Ukraine?

Turns out he was just a poorly trained medic!

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My girlfriend asked if I could get a bell medically implanted in my penis

So she can hear me coming

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

My roommate cannot remember if he took his anti anxiety medication or not.

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

A member of the family in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.

He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his class-room room : " Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line :

" God...

Having someone respond to a medical emergency has gotten sooo expensive.

Maybe instead of sending a Para Medics they should only send one.

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And nun walks into a liquor store

So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka.

The guy thinks a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”

The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward a...

What do you call a medic who jumps out of a plane?

A paramedic.

Strange medical issue

Guy, suddenly feeling quite 'off ' makes an appointment to see his doctor. When he finally sees his doctor, the doc asks "so what's going on?". The guy replies "well doc, it's weird but I can suddenly tell future". Perplexed, the doctor asks "well when did this start?" The man replies "next Tuesday"...

Today I went for a routine medical examination

Everything was going fine, till he stuck a finger right up my bum.

Do you think I need a new dentist?

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My new medication is crap

The prescription text reads "take a teaspoon twice a day". So I did for a week.

I'm out of teaspoons now and I have a tummy ache.

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First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class

First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered in a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qu...

When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters

'PNEIS'

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while rest are on Reddit.

Mother and daughter go to the doctor

After running some tests due to some non specific symptoms, the doctor tell them, “well looks like you are going to be a grandma, your daughter is pregnant ma’am”

The mother is infuriated, insults the doctor telling him that her daughter “knows no man” and leaves the office fuming.

The...

I'm on medication for my Pokemon Go addiction.

Gotacachemol.

Why does Donald Trump take anxiety medication?

For Hispanic attacks

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

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