Dr Dre may not be a real medic but...

...he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

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"Doctor," the embarrassed man said,

"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie...

What do you call a couple of EMT’s?

A pair of medics.

A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.

A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.

The medic says: "My job is the oldest because when God made Eve from Adams rib, that was a medical procedure."

The architect says: "Hold up! Before Adam and Eve, God created the universe. That's an arch...

What do you call a medic who jumps out of a plane?

A paramedic.

A man was hired to ring a church bell...

...but he wasn't very good at it. Every time he rung the bell it came back and smacked him in the face. He kept trying to duck under the bell but it kept hitting him.

Eventually, at the end of his shift he rang the bell one last time. Again, the bell hit him in his aching face, but this time ...

"Say, medic", says a soldier, "why do you always have to say 'I cannot wait'? Is that your battle cry or something?"

"If I could wait, I would not be medic.
I would be patient!"

What do you call the medic in a K9 unit?

A dogtor.

Why where there two dudes in a ambulance

Cause they were a pair-a-medics

What do you call an injured Confederate soldier that can't find a medic?

A rebel without a gauze.

At a mental institution, they decide to build a fence around the building

The workers decide to paint the fence red.

The next day, the fence is gone. All of the patients were sitting outside, on the grass with their hands patting their bellies.

After that incident, the workers build another fence, this time painting it yellow.

The next day same thing ...

What do you call two twin emt officers?

A pair of medics

On a normal afternoon, in anytown, USA...

A woman went to the jewelry store and bought a very expensive diamond necklace. As soon as it was paid for and fastened around her neck, she felt paranoid, like she was being watched.








She was right. As she was getting into her car, she saw a blinding light and co...

Hey, Hans!

During World War I, the Germans and the Americans are engaged in trench warfare. There's a lull in the fighting due to lack of supplies on both sides.

One of the Americans, bored with the lack of action, turns to his buddy and says, "hey, what's a common German name?"

His buddy replies...

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic

Medics say he needed a second coat

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Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar...

It’s a quiet evening. There’s no one else there. The three friends all grab a stool, order their usual drinks, and spend the evening chatting, as they’re wont to do.

All of a sudden, from the street outside, there comes a horrendous smashing sound. There’s been a terrible bus crash and pre...

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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.

 

*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She ...

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Nude beach

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be rea...

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An EMT is treating an elderly man in his home

An EMT is treating an elderly man suffering from a heart attack at his home.

The medics strap him in and set the gurney into the back of the ambulance when they stop to ask the mans wife a few questions.

"Now just start at the beginning and tell me what happened"

The old woman...

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A bartender who just went broke decides to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic-" I will cure anything for the price of $20, and I'll pay you back $50 if I fail."

A medic thinks that he can outsmart the bartender wants the $50, so he goes to the clinic.

The medic tells the bartender he had lost his sense of taste, to which the bar...

A polish goes to the ophthalmologist

The medic shows this to him:

C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z

-Can you read this?

-Read?? I know this guy!

Soldier: My legs, my legs! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!

Medic: That's because your arms have been blown off.

Shopping with Wife

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury's.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following le...

There was a man named Joe...

Joe had a French fry shop across the street from the local florist. One day, the florists went bankrupt and closed down. Then 2 people moved in, fellow fryers, and started stealing Joe's customers.

Joe was outraged, and thus, led him to go talk to the other fryers. They got so mad at Joe they...

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Private Snafu joins the army.

Always last in line for mess, roll or runs, he was also last in line when they passed out equipment. When he gets to the guy handing out guns, the box is empty.
"What the hell am I supposed to do without a gun?!" Snafu asks.
The warren officer thinks for a second. Picking up a mop, he begins ...

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'sp...

Paramedics

When one medic just isn't enough

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A man walks upstairs into a bar...

Tim approaches the bartender and says "I'll have a beer." Tim then looked to his right and witnesses a man take a shot of Jack, run to the window, jump out and start flying. When the guy comes back through the window, Tim flips out, "How did you do that?". The drunk replied, "It's easy, just take a ...

In Gods hands...

A man was in his home when a hurricane blew into town bringing with it high winds and torrential rain. A pair of cops came by in waders and asked him to evacuate.

*“No thanks, officers,"* he said. *“My life is in God’s hands.”*

So the police left and the rain continued to fall. A f...

What do you call 2 doctors walking together?

Pair-o-Medics

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Ken and Josh, two good friends, are hiking up a mountain

Ken needs to take a piss, so he goes over to do his business. A snake slithers over and bites him on his manhood. Ken screams in pain and Josh runs down to the base camp to tell the medic. The medic explains that this type of snake has deadly venom and the only way Ken will survive is if Josh sucks ...

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