How did the medics know that Princess Diane had dandruff?

Because they found her head and shoulders in the front seat

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient...

Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I accidentally took my cats medication today.

Don't ask me'ow I did it

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I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

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A man was diagnosed as bipolar, without any sort of medical examination

He was caught fucking a female polar bear and a male penguin.

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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they ...

The medical examiner’s office was told to reduce their budget.

So they had to start cutting coroners

What do you call a Doctor who says they’ll never share your personal medical information with others, but does?

A HIPAAcrite.

A man goes to hospital for the results of his medical tests

The doctor says to him: “Ok sir, I have two pieces of bad news for you. Are you ready to head them?”

The man braces himself and replies yes. The doctor checks his notepad and continues. “Firstly I’m afraid to tell you that you have stage four cancer, it’s terminal.”

The man’s eyes wide...

What do you call a duck that went to medical school?

A DUCKtor

What was Zeus" specialty in medical school?

Surge-ery

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog cr...

When you don’t know if you can pay your medical bills

You have health Unsurance.

Frieza from Dragon Ball Z gets a job as a medical receptionist

After a long day of fighting Vegeta comes into the Dr’s office to get some wounds looked at. As a new patient, Frieza directs him to fill out a hefty stack of new patient paperwork.

After some time, Vegeta brings his finished paperwork to Frieza only to be handed another stack of paperwork. ...

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

Me: *can't afford to pay medical bills* Cancer cell: Kids these days don't work hard enough

Ok tumor

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I went to the medical office yesterday and...

the doctor came in, looking over a clipboard, "Yeah, you're going to have to stop masturbating.

I asked, "But why, doc?"

He said, "Because I need to give you an exam."

A guy goes to his doctor to ask for his Medical Test Results.

\-Are my result in, doctor? The wait is killing me.

\-Well... it's not the only thing killing you

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

What do you call a large aquatic mammal that guards your private medical information?

HIPAA-potamus

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

In Russia, just saying "thank you" is enough to cure some illnesses even without taking any actual medication.

Scientists are calling it The Spasibo Effect

A man lied about his medical condition.

When he went to the x-ray operator, he was told that nothing is wrong with him.

Later that day someone asked him,"how did you know?"

The operator replied,"I could see right through him."

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

Where can you find the gods of the medical staff?

The Nurse mythology

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?

For Hispanic attacks.

Dr Dre may not be a real medic but...

...he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

Mischievous medical student

A notorious student in medical college was up to his usual tricks. This time, he went to his professor, but his professor was ready for him.

Student: 'How long can a man survive without a brain, sir? '

Professor: 'I don't know really. How old are you? '

What happens when you leave your ADHD medication in your Ford Fiesta?

It turns into a Ford Focus.

Medical Checkup

GP: You have too much sugar in your diet. I recommend swapping desserts for appetisers. They’re much better for you nutritionally.

Patient: Ugh do I have to?

GP: Doctor’s hors d’oeurves.

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up ...

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My doctor prescribed me a new medication.

It’s called Fukitol. Unfortunately, the pharmacy had none left to give.

Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying.

It means 75% of them are running around untreated!

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I mixed up my viagra and depression medication today.

No matter how much I try, everything just keeps getting harder and harder.

I was bored this morning and decided to take my wife's medication just to see what the side effects were

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best friend...

Do you know what medical condition would you be in , if you had plastic horses in your ass?

STABLE

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

Me: I'm here for medication to help with my fear of the spice girls

Doctor: we have 3 types so tell me what you want

Me[screams]

What do you call someone who is slowly quitting medication?

A weaner.

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I have suffered from an annoying medical condition for a long time.

During sex, when I am just about to come, I suffer from shortness of breath, running nose and I burst into tears. The symptoms turned gradually so bad I had to consult a doctor. Today he called - the lab results were finally ready. It turns out that I am apparently terribly allergic to capsaisin spr...

I got a letter with my medical results today

The bad news is that i’m dyslexic, but the good news is that they found a big humor inside me.

A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.

A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.

The medic says: "My job is the oldest because when God made Eve from Adams rib, that was a medical procedure."

The architect says: "Hold up! Before Adam and Eve, God created the universe. That's an arch...

What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?

A Warsaw

Which medication kites behind your boat?

Parasailtamol

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

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A beautiful lady goes to a medical shop

She just stands there waiting till all customers are gone

The shopkeeper asks: " Hey there. Is there some kind of problem? "

The lady whispered " Actually my bf gave me a love letter today "

" Wow that's good "

*Gives the letter to shopkeeper*

" He is a doctor and ...

A fat man goes for a medical check-up.

Doctor: "If that stomach was on a woman she'd have to be pregnant"

Man: "It was, and she is"

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A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

A group of doctors were getting frustrated while discussing their failing medical practice...

...they were unfortunately running out of patience.

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Our local hospital made medical history.

A boy was born with no eyelids.When they circumsised him they were able to take the foreskin and graft it above his eyes for,wholla,eye lids.The operation was successfull, although ,he might come out a little cockeyed.

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Professor welcomes the class in Anatomy lab on the first day of medical school.

He begins by saying - You need 2 rules to become a successful doctor.

No 1 - you cannot feel disgusted by anything.

After saying that, he stuck his finger into the cadaver's butt hole.

Students look at him in a shocked manner, but eventually they give in and remembering his r...

When I die, I’m donating my body to science.

It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.

Medical joke (short)

Scientists have found the gene that makes people shy. They found it hiding behind another gene.

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path

They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:

"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

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So there's this pathologist who's just walked into the morgue with his medical students

They walk over to a cadaver that's just arrived that morning.

"Please observe the following" he says. He takes his index finger and shoves it up the anus of the cadaver, pulls it out and sucks on his finger. "Now you all try" he says as each student puts their index finger up the anus and li...

When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS to form the name of an important body part.

Those who said spine are doctors today. The rest of us went to flight school.

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

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A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

In medical school, you really do learn something new every day...

...for instance, today I learned that it's inappropriate to refer to infertile people as "seedless".

Question in a medical board exam - Fill the blank - "When a young female faints, you immediately feel her p - - s - "

Those who answered PULSE are successful doctors today.

Did you know that 38% of American women are on medications for being some form of crazy?

This is terrifying because that means that 62% of American women are walking around unmedicated!

We were about to observe our first autopsy in medical school, and my friend asked me, “What do you think it’ll be like?”

I said, “Remains to be seen.”

How did the medical community settle on the name for PMS?

Mad cow disease was already taken!

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After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal in November 2006 at 4:19pm

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

Back in 1921, a member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.



He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his classroom:

"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:...

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Medically, what happens to a man if he never masturbates?

Nobody knows.

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I’ll call it glazed and confused

A cop pulls over a guy on a motorcycle...

and asks him for his name.

"My name is Ed." he said.

"Just Ed? no last name?"

"Just Ed."

"care to explain?" asked the cop.

"Well, it started a long time ago. I was Ed Johnson. As a kid, I always wanted to be a doctor. So I studied hard and finally graduated medic...

You know what you call the stupidest graduate from the worst medical school in the country?

Doctor.

During his exam, a medical student had to perform a surgery on a patient.

One of them passed.

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

A woman was told to send a facsimile copy of their child’s medical records to a specialist when their child fell very ill.

She didn’t deliver, the child died, turns out she was anti-fax.

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A man goes for a medical check up for his new job. He told his doctor not to be alarmed because he has 5 penises.

Doctor : how does your pant fit?!??

Man : like a glove

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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes

getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began pla...

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send m...

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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

An boomer classic for you all...

A man was run down by a car in broad daylight.

An ambulance was called, and he was quickly rushed into it. In order to check his mental state, one of the medics started asking him questions about the accident.

"Well, I had just left the store, and was crossing the road to reach my car,...

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A man passes out while swimming in a river.

A group of people surround the riverbank where the young man was floating.

Then, a cocky medical student pushes through the crowd, dives into the river and pulls the man half out.

He then starts performing CPR on the man, with every chest compression water comes out of the man's mouth....

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(NSFW) A man had a 16 inch Dick.

Poor guy. He couldn't get any gals.


He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.


"I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."
Poor guy.

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and ...

Epstein's death being a suicide was just one big misunderstanding...

The medical examiner who ruled the death as a suicide misunderstood what his colleague meant by "Man... Epstein sure was hung!"

What is the one thing a medical professional and an herbalist can agree on that will fix anything?

Thyme

A new doctor came into town and set up shop 4 months ago.

I’m a doctor too, so I was worried about losing any of my clientele. Sure enough, some of my regulars failed to reschedule appointments and I started getting faxed requests to send their medical records over to this new doctor.

After a few months had passed, things weren’t improving and appoi...

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You guys hear about the medication for premature ejaculation?

You can get it with expedited shipping so it should come quickly...

I'm going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy...

he always wanted me to go to medical school.

Cheap medical test

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. 

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and w...

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial.

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial. The attorney thinks he sees an opening in the testimony.

"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"

"No," replied the examiner.

"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's ...

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

What do you call a Medical student who finishes last in their class?

Doctor

What do you call a medic who jumps out of a plane?

A paramedic.

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand.

As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?” “Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient. Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.” “No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with me left hand ".

What's the name of the erectile dysfunction medication used in Pokemon?

PP up

My submission for a new drug name was rejected by big pharma. I don't know why.

'Dyquickr' is a perfectly good name for a cholesterol lowering medication.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tim was in sex education class when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, “What is this called?”

Tim put his hand up and answered, “That’s a pussy, Miss Stevens.”

She rolled her eyes, and replied, “Give me a medical term, please.”

“Oh, sorry,” Tim replied. “That’s a pussy, Doctor Stevens.”

What's the medical term for a chill pill?

A relaxative

Why does Donald Trump need anxiety medication?

To prevent hispanic attacks.

Grampa told me this one!

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you ...

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During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

The patient said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

“Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your ass."

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What do you call a Black Man with 4 years of medical school?

A doctor you fucking racist

Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is the medical term for brain freeze.

A quick way you can get this is by eating an ice cream...

or by trying to say the medical term for brain freeze.

I have a medical condition where I’m allergic to only one type of pasta

It’s called macaroni and sneeze

My roommate couldn’t remember whether he took his anti anxiety medication or not.

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and ...

I ate the cats medication by accident

Don’t ask meow.

An engineering professor is ranting to his class one day

He says "I hate when engineering students call themselves 'engineers', you don't hear medical students calling themselves 'doctors', or art students calling themselves 'unemployed'

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A new discovery in the medical field has now yielded nymphomanics new hope to combat their urges...

Studies shows that cryotherapy is a great way to chill the fuck out.

There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.

It's called 'coma toes'

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Medical researchers still haven't found a cure for premature ejaculation.

But I hear that it's coming quickly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

Don't insert citric acid into your body without medical supervision

you could get LemonAIDS

My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.

I call her Aunty Psychotic.

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Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic s...

What do you call a couple of EMT’s?

A pair of medics.

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

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