Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hitler is on a limousine on his way to the Reichstag

His chauffeur is driving his volkswagen across a rural street.

At the first farm they come across, they drive over a chicken.

Hitler goes to apologize to the farmer people and comes back with a black eye.

They drive on and Hitler is pretty unhappy about this.

The next far...

Why was the dog in the driver's seat of the limousine?

It was hired to show fur!

The pope was on his way to a ceremony with no-one in his limousine except for himself and his driver.

The pope checks his watch and says to the driver:
“Huh, we're gonna be a half hour early, you mind if I take the wheel and drive around for a while? I haven't driven since ever!"
The driver is a bit concerned but obeys the pope. So the pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac! N...

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never ridden in a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He get...

Some limousine jokes are funny

But most are a bit of a stretch.

One afternoon a lawyer is riding in his limousine

While on his ride, he notices 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. He stops, concerned a bit to talk to the 2 men.

He gets out of his limousine and goes up to one of the men and asks "Hey man, why are you eating grass?

Man 1: Well, you see, when your homeless and have nothing t...

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine.

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathemati...

The president is walking out of the white house and heading towards his limousine

when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”. This startles the would be assassind and he is captured. Later that day, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mous...

A rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed by the sight he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man: "Why are you eating grass?"

The poor man replied: "We don't have any money for food. We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the rich m...

President Trump is visiting LA, when he decides to take the limousine to home

After a while, bored Donald Jr. asks "are we there yet?"

Trump puts his hand out of the limo window and says "no, we're still in California."

After a long while, Junior asks "are we there yet?"

Trump puts his hand out of the limo window and says "no, we're now in Midwest."
...

I spent all day working on a bunch of puns about limousine drivers.

But I still have nothing to chauffeur it.

Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine?

He had nothing left to chauffeur it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As the limousine stops, twenty beautiful models step out

followed by this very well dressed man carrying a rooster. They enter the restaurant, and sit at the large reserved table. When the waiter arrives, the man orders: "I would like to start with some Beluga caviar for me and the ladies, and triple portion for the rooster. Then we will proceed to have l...

want to hear my limousine joke

na its too long

So I’m about to go to prom with the girl of my dreams.

On the day before the dance I went to the flower store to buy her flowers. The line getting into the store was sooooo long, but I waited to get flowers anyway.

Later that day I went to the limo rental store to rent a limousine for the dance. The line getting into the store was soooooo long, b...

I’ve been a limousine driver for 25 years

All that time and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

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Eastern Europe Loved the USSR

In 1970 a Soviet trade delegation visits Czechoslovakia. The delegation is met at the airport by the minister for trade, and as the minister and the leader of the delegation drive to the city in the minister’s Zil limousine, the minister points out a large bronze statue of Lenin just outside the air...

An old man was on his death bed.

He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."


At the funeral, each man put an envelo...

There once was a boy who had a crush on a girl from his highschool class

When prom came around, he gathered up the courage to ask her to be his date for the prom, and to his luck She said yes.

He had big plans for the night, and wanted everything to be perfect.

So when the time came, he first went to the tuxedo rental place, but when He Got there, there w...

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill is laying bricks on the 20th floor of a construction site

When he accidentally knocked a brick, causing it to fall off the edge!
He quickly yelled out "Falling Brick!"

Looking down, he notices that a rather well-dressed businessman has stepped out of the way of the brick and is making his way up to him. "You saved my life mate, here's $100" sai...

The pope visits the USA

On his arrival at the airport there is a big limousine waiting for him, he gets in and they drive off. After a while the pope confesses to the driver: "I am a big limousine fan and always wanted to drive one, do you think we can switch and you let me drive for a while?" The driver feels like he can...

The Pope is visiting the U.S.

As expected, he gets a private chaffeur and a limousine.
He has always wanted to drive one, but is never allowed to. He decides to ask the driver.

The driver thinks about it for a minute, bad decides he can't say no to the Pope. And besides what could go wrong?

The Pope gets in t...

The Pope goes to New York.

He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the pope pers...

An old woman is having her 90th birthday.

She has three sons, and each of them has been very successful in life. They realized this might be her last year, and each decided to get something special for her.

The first got thought that she must find the same old house boring after living in it for all her life and bought her a mansion....

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Here’s how you get the perfect prom date.

So you have the girl picked out, maybe not the prettiest to all, but in your eyes, wow. Now maybe not the hardest to get, but she still gives you butterflies talking to her.

Now you can’t simply walk up to her and ask, you gotta be smooth about it. After some thought you decide on flowers an...

A guy asks this girl to prom...

A guy asks this girl to prom, she says yes, making him extremely happy. He decides to go get her flowers, but the line is nearly around the block, but he doesn’t care so he waits and waits until it’s finally his turn.

After he has the flowers, he needs to buy himself a tux, but the line for ...

A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day.

First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A banker's son, an investor's son and a farmer's son were going to prom.

But the day before the prom, the principal made it a requirement for all students to arrive in limousines.

As the banker's son entered through the school gates in a Mercedes Maybach, the engine roared, and all the girls cheered.

"Nice limousine." Said the school security guard.

...

Long Lines

A young boy likes the prettiest girl in school and decides to ask her out to prom. Due to her being so pretty, there's a long line he waits in to ask her out.

The young boy realized that he needed a corsage for his pretty date so he goes to buy one. Due to it being so close to prom, he waits ...

When the teenage daughter has been knocked up.

A teenage girl goes to her mother and tells her that she is pregnant. The mother is outraged by this news.

"Who is this scumbag who has done this to you? I demand to know who it is!"

The girl calls the father-to-be. 30 minutes later, a fancy limousine parks next to the house and a dis...

Prom is near.

So prom is near.
A couple named Jacob and Scarlet have been dating for a few months and Jacob asks her if she wants to go to prom.

"Of course!" she says. "But I require three things first. A limo, flowers, and you must wear a tux."

"Okay" says Jacob.

He has procrastinated t...

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An oldie but a goody. NSFW

A pretty young lady walking down the street notices a limousine on the side of the road. The chauffeur is trying to wrangle a flat tyre off the vehicle.

Fascinated she stops to watch. The chauffeur is having a hard time and no apparent luck in getting this tyre off.

She looks into his...

Giuseppe and Luigi were life-long friends from the old country.

They both moved to America, had good careers, retired, and now met in the park every day. One day, Luigi got to the park and Giuseppe wasn't there. Giuseppe was always there first. For 15 years, Luigi never got to the park first. He was so worried about his friend.

Suddenly, a limousine pulls...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Prom Night Date

Johnny, a senior in a stereotypical highschool, has a huge crush on a girl named Sally, who is in his 5th period World History.


Johnny wanted to capitalize on the upcoming prom to ask out Sally, so Johnny waited in line for two tickets to prom. Johnny tried to arrive early, but the line w...

The best way to earn money!

A man named John goes abroad to meet his old friend Mark he had not seen in a while.

As he arrives at the airport, goes outside, there, Mark is waiting in his private limousine.

John is a little amazed, but not anything special. As they arrive, John is impressed to see a giant mansion!...

The Heroic Homeless Man

It’s December 2012, and Christmas is fast approaching. The snow is on the trees, gifts are being bought, and the lake in Central Park is frozen over. Children and the stents are skiing on the ice, having a great time. However suddenly, a little girl falls through the ice. Luckily, a nearby homeless ...

The Pope visits New York

Recently after the Pope was elected he learned from his most trusted Cardinals that people don't seem to have faith in the Church anymore. Upon learning this news he decides to go speak with Cardinals around the world about ideas on how to get people to have faith in the Church again.

He tell...

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An old businessmen is dying and decides to write his will... [Long]

An old businessmen is dying and in order to decide which of his three children to give his fortune to, he calls them to his deathbed.

He gives them each a duck and says "Okay, so that you don't squander my fortune when I am gone, I want to make sure that you know how to work a business, so wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pope decides to go around Rome incognito

He steps into his limousine. All the windows are tinted obviously, so no one can see who's inside. The Pope tells the driver to go around Rome at once. However, the driver is really nervous, because it's the first time he takes the Pope around all alone; usually, His Holiness is surrounded by a doze...

So the Pope is on state visit...

So the Pope is on state visit to the US and is travelling in his limousine towards the hotel from JFK. Halfway there he tries to convince his chauffeur if he may drive it himself.

"Sorry mr Pope. 'Tis against company policy for clients to drive."

"Yeah but can't you make an exception j...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I know everyone..." was on Bill's resume.

Was on Bill's resume when he applied for his new job. His manager, Dave, impressed by everything else made a comment.
Dave: "Surely, you dont know EVERYONE."
Bill retorts: " I do infact know everyone."
Dave asks smugly: "Even the President of the U.S.?"
Bill nonchalantly pulls out his ph...

A Boy is taking his Girlfriend to Prom...

His mom suggests he rent a limo. He goes to the limousine agency, but there's a long limo line. Finally, after waiting patiently, he gets the limo.

His dad tells him he should get a tux. He goes to the tailor to rent a tuxedo, but there is a long tuxedo line. Finally, after waiting patien...

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

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[LONG] So a senator dies...

and is transported to the lobby of a hotel where he is greeted by a red skinned man, dressed in a sharp cut suit and a warm inviting smile.

"Welcome to Hell!" He exclaims, rushing the man out of the marble clad lobby. "Before you ask me who I am, I am the Devil and I am most pleased to announ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The pope is visiting New York City...

...but due to an error, there's no popemobile delivered. After a lengthy delay, the pope assures them that any car will do fine, so they get him the absolute nicest limousine they can find.

The limo is driving down the highway, and the pope knocks on the window separating him and the driver.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

close to Dave's joke with a Pope

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a professional driver with a nice Bmw M5. Usually it's a limousine but lately pope enjoys more like sports cars. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know brother, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you mind?'' 
T...

So this guy is getting ready for prom

and is trying to get up the nerve to ask the cutest girl in school to the dance. After a day or so he finally musters up the courage and asks her and she says yes! He's bouncing with excitement and starts planning to get ready for prom in a few weeks.

Later that week he goes by the local flo...

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The 3 Little Pigs

There were once three little pigs, named Jiggs, Willie, and Elmer. They lived a nice quiet life in their houses made of straw, wood, and brick, respectively. But wouldn't you know it, the Big Bad Wolf came strolling into town one day, hungry for some porkchops and maybe a little applesauce on the si...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pope visits The United States...

and is being driven in a Limousine. Having never drove one, he asks the chauffeur would he mind if he had a spin. The driver duly obliges and lets the pope take the the wheel.

Enjoying himself a bit too much, he sees a flash of blue before being pulled over for speeding. The officer approache...

When the US elects President Susan Goldfarb ...

The year is 2032 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,

'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn'...

A kid works up the nerve to ask his crush to prom...

And first he must buy the tickets. So he heads to the ticket line and waits for about a half hour until he reaches the front and finally buys two tickets for him and his date.

Then he has to buy a tuxedo, so he heads over to the tux shop but due to prom season, it is overflowing with customer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gary Smith

Gary Smith is employed at a small factory of a huge multinational corporation in the small town of Sandberg near LA. One day, the CEO decides to visit Gary's factory. Huge preparations are made to properly welcome the CEO. At one point, the CEO asks the following question.

'Hey, but where is ...

The Pope was leaving for a trip to another country...

The Pope was leaving for a trip to another country and a limo arrived by his residence to take him to the airport. Always wanting to, but never having a chance to drive a limousine, the Pope asked the driver if he'd let him drive this time. The driver was taken aback at first, but agreed. The Pop...

A boy and his girlfriend are going to go to prom together.

Obviously, because it's prom, he needed a tux. There were a lot if people there, so he waited in the tuxedo line, and finally got his tuxedo. But he also wanted the night to be really special, so he wanted to get a limo. Because there were a lot of people going to prom, there were a lit of people ge...

Donald and the Queen

A private Lear jet arrives at Heathrow International Airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception with the Queen.

From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th ...

Kids going to prom

So there was kid that was going to prom with his high school girlfriend. They had been together since freshman year. He was captain of the football team; she was head of the cheer squad. So, about a week before senior prom, the kid is getting everything ready. He goes to rent a tuxedo from the tux s...

Prom needed to be perfect...

And it shaping up to be just that for Johnny.
He was going to prom with the prettiest girl in school and it would be a night to remember, he just had to do a few things beforehand.

Johnny went to get his tuxedo first and found the perfect tux, so he went to get it fitted. He waited in th...