UPJOKE
ambulancetriageparaprofessionalhelicopterphysicianemergencyfirefightermedicnursedispatchertechnicianmedevaccrewmanfiremananesthetist

Paramedic Jokes

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

What did the paramedic said to the badly injured power ranger?

It is morphine time!

As a paramedic, I've learned that there is something you can never say with a straight face:

I'm having a stroke.

We lost our Dad yesterday. He bled out after a terrible accident. The paramedics asked if we knew his blood type, but we didn't.

As he died he whispered "Be Positive" but it sure is gonna be tough without him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paramedics find a man, dead, midway thru masturbating.

Died having a stroke.

Two paramedics, Bob and Mike, are arguing about what to do with a patient

Only one hospital in the area is properly equipped to deal with his condition, but the ambulance's gurney straps aren't working. After several attempts at fixing them, Bob suggests taking the patient to a nearer hospital, driving extra carefully, while Mike keeps the patient secure.

"That's ...

The paramedic wanted to know about my symptoms.

I told his I've got chills.

He asked if they were multiplying.

With medical costs being so high, instead of sending “paramedics” to an accident…

…Maybe they should just send one.

Why do paramedics always drink coffee?

Because they don't have time for casual-tea!

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Fingers ?

A blonde gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries. "How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears. "Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital

She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher, his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she repli...

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. “Get your lips off my wife,”

I snapped pulling him off her. “But sir, I’m not kissing her!” He pleaded. “She’s stopped breathing.”


“Do I need to repeat myself?

My uncle used to say "time heals all wounds"

Lovely man, terrible paramedic

Rushing to the hospital, the paramedic asks the man, "Can you describe the snake that bit you?"

"Yes, it was like an angry rope"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven...

St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven.

The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two paramedics in an ambulance were called to a church early one Sunday morning.

After arriving they speak to the pastor and he takes them to the belfry. On the floor of the belfry is an armless, legless man unconscious on the floor.

The first paramedic asks the pastor what happened. “This is our bell ringer.”

The first paramedic asks how he can do the job withou...

Yo Mama is so ugly

If Bill Cosby found her unconscious he’d call the paramedics

What did the alien paramedic say when he first arrived on Earth?

"Take me to your bleeder."

Blonde in a car crash.

Blonde says to the paramedic, "I think I have concussion."

Paramedic asks the blonde, "How many fingers have I got up?"

Blonde screams, "Oh my God, "I'm paralyzed from the waist down."

What did the italian baker say to the paramedics after the mafia broke his knees with a pan?

PANINI !

After a crazy night on the town, all I can remember before blacking out is paramedics approaching me with a stretcher.

I guess I got carried away.

It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance.

I really shouldn't be a paramedic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called 911.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. ...

A bus full of journalists is on its way to Mar-a-Lago.

The bus veers off the road and overturns. Emergency vehicles rush to the scene, only to find Trump with a shovel in his hand, and Stephen Miller on a bulldozer.

A paramedic asks " What happened to all the passengers ? "

Trump says " They were all dead, so we buried them ! "

...

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.

An ambulance was called to a local restaurant this afternoon.

When the paramedics walked in, the saw two men on the floor having seizures. The paramedics split up, each going to one of the men. Suddenly, both men stopped their convulsing. The paramedics asked if they were all right.

"Oh, we're fine. We both have epilepsy, but we don't let it interfere w...

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

A stoner died from a heroin overdose last night.

The paramedics did everything they could but it was all in vein.

A man collapsed in the lentil aisle at my local supermarket.

Fortunately, when the paramedics arrived, they found a pulse.

Mini van roll over results in one fatality.

As the older model Ford Aerostar rolled over the driver was ejected. The vehicle then rolled over the driver, piercing him with the exterior mounted antenna. The driver expired before paramedics arrived.

Medical examiner's report states. The driver died of a Van Aerial Disease.

What do you call a medic who jumps out of a plane?

A paramedic.

How did the paramedics know Paul Walker had clean hair?

They found his head and shoulders in the glove box

Paramedics

When one medic just isn't enough

I was using a ladder to bring down the christmas lights from my roof when suddenly I fell and got knocked unconscious. I awoke to paramedics surrounding me asking “Sir, did you fall from the roof or the ladder ?”

I said, “Probably the latter”.

What's the occupation that has the most likely hood of putting people in the hospital?

Paramedic

A Jewish man is in a car accident.

A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"

The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."

Brains For Sale

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'Brains for Sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, Truck Driver $40.00 a pound and Lawyers brains $90.00 a pound....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the hospital for a routine operation.

He goes under, and comes to alone in a hospital bed with an IV. Moving around, he notices the white hospital sheets are covered with shit. He literally shit the bed. Completely embarrassed and panicking about what the nurses will say, he takes them off the bed and tosses them out the window onto the...

My older, attractive next door neighbor had a seizure on her front yard today.

The MILF shakes brought paramedics to the yard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A heavily injured man is laying bleeding in the floor.

Two rookie paramedics, Jay and Bill, are the first responders and rush to his side.

"Shit, there's so much blood, what do we do?" Says Jay.

"I don't know, I've never done this in practice before, I've only ever went by the book." Bill replies.

"Well, what does it say in the boo...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

2 paramedics

Is a pair of medics

What did the flirty paramedic say to the bleeding woman?

“Hey girl, what’s your type?”

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Always pray in English...

Mr. Sharma, a Hindu suffered a heart attack. The paramedics arrived and put Mr. Sharma in the ambulance and raced towards the hospital. Realizing his time had come, Mr. Sharma started reciting the Hindu prayer, "Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om..."

10 minutes later the paramedics brought him back to...

Little Red Riding Hood was involved in an accident.

Paramedics are on the scene but she's not out of the woods yet.

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

What do you call a couple of doctors?

Paramedics....

A joke

A priest, a rabbi and an imam enter a bar, order a drink and finds a place to sit.
Then a construction worker, a native american and a police officer comes in and do the same thing.
And then a dane, a swede and a norwegian enters too.
Then a blind guy, a deaf guy and a mute guy.
And the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To Whom It May Concern

Mr. Jones, a 60-year old man has a heart attack while making love to his wife. Panicked, she calls 911. Paramedics arrive and take Mr. Jones to a hospital, where Dr. Goldman performs an emergency procedure to unblock Mr. Jones’ arteries.

Mr. Jones returns home from the hospital and, after a f...

There was a young man who was obsessed with tractors as long as he could remember...

When the “World’s Biggest Tractor” was going to be displayed at the county fair, he knew he had to go. He saved up some money, drove to the event, and was first in line to see the tractor up close.

As he was examining the wheels, the tractor ended up lurching forward, pinning his legs as he t...

A paramedic was called out to a vegan couple who'd overdosed on vegetables

The first thing he did was take their pulses

A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...

The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.

"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
<...

After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders

After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Choking Boy

While eating at an expensive restaurant all the diners are disturbed when a woman starts screaming "My son's choking!, he has swallowed a large chunk of steak and can't breath!, please anyone help." Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table, and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly...

There's this guy who lost both of his arms in an accident.

He lost his job, and is looking for a new one. He goes by a church and a sign reads "Bell ringer wanted". He goes in to the church and asks the minister. The minister didn't think he could ring the bell. The minister asked him how he would ring it. He runs at it and hits his head on the bell. The gu...

Did you hear that the spaghetti noodle got into a car accident?

Paramedics tried to save him, but in the end, he pasta-way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wholesome Sunday joke

A young altar boy is running late for service. To save time, he puts on his robes before getting on his bike and pedaling like mad for the church. In his rush, he doesn't look both ways at an intersection and is struck by oncoming traffic.

The altar boy is thrown from his bike and into a ditc...

A boy wants to ring a giant bell...

As a boy is walking down the street, he spots a bell tower. Seeing the bell, he makes his way to the very top of the tower. When he gets to the top, he finds a priest, just standing there.

The boy asked the priest "Is it okay if I ring the bell, Father?"

The priest replied "By all mea...

A prophet as a child (an oldly but a goody)

A child was a prophet, granted the ability to see the future

One night he went to sleep, and he had a dream where a raven came down to him and told him "tomorrow, your aunt will die"

The next day, the boy told his parents about the dream

They called his aunt to earn her, but a ...

A drunk man was walking to his apartment, late one night, and accidentally fell down an elevator shaft.

When the paramedics arrived and pulled him out, he said, "Boy, that was a fast elevator!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Made for each other - a thread

How would you describe the perfect couple of eggs?

- Laid for each other

How would you describe the perfect couple of prostitutes?

- Paid for each other

How would you describe the perfect couple of necrophilliacs?

- Dead for each other


How would you desc...

A Jewish man gets hit by a car...

in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital the paramedic asks "are you comfortable?"

the Jewish man shrugs. "I make a living."

A guys mother in law comes to live with him

One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad new...

My friend just collapsed into a display of golf clubs,

Paramedics are doing what they can but he’s not out of the woods yet.

My friend just died in front of us...

The paramedics working on him asked us his blood type to help save him, but we didn’t know it.

He kept telling us all to “be positive”...but it’s so hard now that he’s gone.
We miss him so much.

What's better than a pair of Emerency Medical Technicians?

A paramedic(s)!

Elvis was driving down the highway when he got into an accident.

The paramedics found him and realised he was in shock and so they told him, "Mr. Presley, we need you to step out of the vehicle, you're all shook up."

"Uhuh huh"

Tom Cruise was carrying amphetamine when he was mugged.

When the ambulance arrived the paramedic examined Tom Cruise and determined he was winded by a swift knee to the solar plexus.

The police officer wrote in his file: "The victim, Tom Cruise, got kneed for speed."

Singer Adele was rushed to the hospital after a fatal car accident

Paramedics said they found her rolling in the jeep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and go bird

A man was sun bathing nude on a beach when a little girl walks by and asks what’s that between your legs, the man answers that’s my bird, and what are those the girl asks pointing at the mans balls, to that he answers those are the birds eggs, she the points to his pubes and says what is that then, ...

A Bus Stop

On a bus stop in Washington DC, there were a cop, a nurse, a man in a suit, a philosopher and a priest. The cop spoke first:

Cop: ”Is this the right bus stop to Congress hill?”

Man in suit: ”yes”

Cop: ”Good. As it happens, there was this school shooting incident last week; I was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”...

I drove past an accident involving an ice cream truck.

It must have been pretty bad because I heard one of the paramedics say that it looks like they lost a few pints.

On the day of Michael Jackson's death

The two paramedics arrive at Neverland Ranch to find Michael unconscious and not breathing.

The rookie says to the veteran "What should we try first?"

"I reckon the roller coaster."

Why do they always send out two EMT’s?

So there will be a paramedics.

I’m proud of this joke, please don’t judge my work too harshly.

There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe.

He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately...

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandma and granddaughter

A grandma from a unnamed county was talking to her granddaughter about the insane progress made in the medicine field:

"When I was 20 years old the doctor, the head nurse, the doctor on duty, the emergency doctor, the paramedic and his asistant, the cleaning staff and even the doorman from th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.