This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking ...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

Taxi fare

A naked woman rushed in a taxi.
The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly.
The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"
The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven

The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.

After perusing the list, Peter can’t find the priest’s name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.

Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.

St. Peter welcomes h...

A drunk man hails a taxi cab.

When the taxi pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, “Have you got room in here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?”

​

“Sure,” replies the driver.

​

The drunk man says, “Fantastic!” and thro...

A drunk guy gets into a taxi..

-Ehh.. 'scuse me, driver... would it be okay if.. I left a few beers, some fried chicken, 2 tequila shots and some rice on your back seat?

-(confused)Ehm, sure.

*#vomits#*



Sorry people, I had to.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers,...

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I was sacked today for having sex with a customer in the back of my taxi.

I say taxi... technically it's a hearse.

A nun gets into a taxi...

A nun gets into a taxi and the driver can't take his eyes off her.

Finally, he says, "Sister, I must tell you something but I don’t want to offend you."

She says, "My son, you won’t offend me. I've heard it all after so many years of being a nun."

"Okay," says the driver, "Well ...

A drunk man got on Mercedes-Benz model taxi

He asks the driver:"Why is the hood ornament on mercs like that"
Driver jokingly answered:"so its easier to aim when running over pedestrians.
See that old lady crossing the road over there?"
The driver starts to acclerate towards her and on the last moment avoids her.
"what was that so...

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window. Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, “Look man, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the crap o...

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.

B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi

I'm writing a Bollywood take on a spy movie, about a taxi driver who's really an undercover agent.

His catchphrase is, "the name's Shaw - Rick Shaw".

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London taxi.

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because...

A man is on a taxi to the airport.

"Please hurry i need to get to there as soon as i can." he said to the driver.

"Easy, sir. Why are you so hurry?" reply the driver.

"Im gonna late for the flight, now drive faster please." the man said.

"What flight are you on then?" the driver keep asking.

"The flight 6...

Everyone, please be careful!!

Last night I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few vodkas, followed by a few shots.... But I had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do something entirely different. I took a taxi home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way ...

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A Japanese guy takes a taxi to the airport In the US.

During the journey, a Honda zooms past the taxi. The man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda’s are very fast because they’re made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota’s are very fast because they...

A priest and a taxi driver go to heaven

While they're at the pearly gates God talks to them about their time in Earth. When he's done talking to the cab driver, he hands him a gold staff and a beautiful silk robe as he walks in

Once he's finished with the priest however, he hands him a wooden staff and a cotton robe. The priest say...

A guy in NY orders a taxi to go cross state. The taxi pulls up, and he gets, carrying a large box which he puts in the back.

They set out driving, while the guy is looking at the box nervously every ten minutes or so. When they get to New Jersey, the man calls his wife. ''Hi honey, yes, they did give me the jewelry. I'll have it priced in Atlanta, it'd probably be 200 thousand or so. I'll call you when I'm done''.
...

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A joke from our taxi driver in Jamaica - “What is the difference between a plane and a baby?”

One flies from city to city and one sucks from titty to titty

I took a taxi today.

The driver told me "I love my job, I own this car, I've got my own business, I'm my own boss, NO ONE tells me what to do!"

I said "TURN LEFT HERE".

3 drunk men get into a taxi...

3 drunk men get into a taxi. After listening to the instructions from the men, the driver realised that he could scam them easily. So he turned on the engine, revved it a bit and turned it off.

The first one paid, got out and walked away, the second walked out and threw up in the bushes, but...

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A man takes a taxi in the pouring rain...

He tells the driver to head for the airport, shaking water off his hat and fanning his coat to get some more off the whole time. It is then, halfway through the drive, that he notices he's forgotten his wallet. He frantically searches his pockets, but all he finds is a 20 dollar bill.

He asks...

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

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A Filipino taxi driver fetched a Japanese tourist visiting the Philippines at the airport.

As the taxi they rode in motored along the highway, a Suzuki cargo truck sped way past them.

JAPANESE TOURIST: (Proudly beaming) Ah! A Suzuki truck made in my country Japan...**very fast!**
FILIPINO TAXI DRIVER: (Thinking to himself, feeling slightly annoyed) Damn, so it is true the Japa...

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Some bloke got into my taxi today.

After 10 miles we arrived at his destination and I said, "That's £20 please."

He said, "I've only got £10."

"That's bullshit" I said, "It's £20!"

He said, "Can you turn around and take me back 5 miles the other way?"

So I did.

When we got there I said, "That's £30 ...

A Priest is riding on a taxi when...

suddenly, a drunk driver slams into his taxi, killing both the 2 drivers and the priest. They end up at the pearly gates where the drunk driver is condemned to hell, but both the priest and the taxi driver are let through to heaven.

Peter leads them on till they reach an enormous mansion tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi...

heading for Midway airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments ev...

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Sex Joke (Long)

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge ...

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I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

He looked at me and said, 'It will cost you £40 if you are sick on my seats, buddy. OK?!'

'Right,' I slurred. 'Gotcha...'

I was heaving all the way home. The driver was cautioning me. Eventually we stopped outside my house and he said, 'That'll be £55, then, please mate.'

I thre...

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A Jew and his son enter a taxi in New York

“How much to Washington?” asks the Jew.

“For that distance, it’ll be about $500,” replies the driver.

“Could you drive me for free?” asks the Jew.

The driver ponders this.

“Fine, but you can’t say a word while I’m driving.”

So they leave New York and go towards...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What the difference between a taxi and an elephant ?

The elephant has the trunk in the front and the asshole in the back

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...

when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it. He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally...

I'm gonna start a taxi company and employ only lovable, silly, lighthearted drivers.

I'll call it Goober

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The driver- who knew the 3 of them were drunk, started the engine and then shut it off again after a few seconds. He then tells them, "alright guys we're here now!"

The first drunk guy gave the taxi driver money. The second drunk guy smiled then said, "thank you and keep the change." The thir...

What do you call a nun driving a taxi ?

Virgin mobile

Rabbi in a Taxi

There's a rabbi in a taxi, going through the city for a meeting. Everything is fine, the driver is nice and all. Suddenly, as they're waiting for the green light, a gang of big black guys shows up, armed with baseball bats and stuff. They start hitting the car, break the lights, get the driver out a...

A man walks into a taxi....

and notices a strange smell a few minutes into the ride. Annoyed, he promptly taps the driver on the shoulder.

The taxi driver screams and veers into a telephone pole. "I'm so sorry!" exclaims the man. "I didn't mean to startle you!"

The taxi driver pauses for a moment and slowly turns...

A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.

Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?

Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.

Police Officer: And?

Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either ...

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stri...

A minister and a taxi driver . . .

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this loudly dressed man, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman hails a taxi in a busy city...

Soon enough, a taxi pulls over, and she gets inside the back seat. "Where are you heading?" The driver asks, and she tells him an address far outside the city. The driver nods, puts the address into his GPS, and begins the long ride. After about 20 minutes of silence, the woman decides she must ask ...

A taxi driver was fired

He didn’t fare well

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

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A kid gets in a taxi

The taxi driver tries to be funny and to ridicule the kid.

If your mom would be an idiot, what would you be?

An idiot, answers the kid.

The driver starts laughing

If your dad was a retard, what would you be?

A retard, answers the kid.



Sudden twist (b...

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Girls night out!!!

Having Spent all their Taxi Fair for the last round, walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The ne...

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A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger

The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver’s shoulder to get his attention.

The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.

The woman an...

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

It turns out my customers didn't like it when I went the extra mile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese tourist in Malaysia calls for a taxi to get to the airport

On the way, a Toyota overtakes the taxi on the road. The Japanese tourist sees this and says: “Wa! Toyota! Made in Japan, very fast!”

After this, a Mitsubishi flies by the little taxi. The Japanese tourist says: “Wa! Mitsubishi! Made in Japan, very fast!”

Then a Nissan passes by, and...

3 drunk girls get inside a taxi

They give the driver the address. The driver knowing that they're drunk, turns the car on and off.

He turns around and says that they've arrived to their destination. The first girl pays him and gets out of the car. The second one gives him a tip and says thank you while exiting.

The t...

An Italian tourist gets into a taxi and takes a ride.

Soon after they leave, the taxi gets overtaken by a Ferrari. The Italian says:

- Ferrari very fast, made in Italy.

Shortly after that, a Ducati overtakes them. The Italian says:

- Ducati very fast, made in Italy.

After they get to the destination, the fare meter shows an ...

Nun in a taxi...

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been...

A wife and a taxi driver

A wife was out with her friends when she got the news that her husband got sent to the hospital.

She saw a taxi parked and quickly went to it while her friends walked away. She knocked on the glass and the driver lowered the glass.

“What is it?” said the driver.

“My husband is...

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Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city.

He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver:

'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200'

The cab...

A taxi driver speeds through a red light without even looking

And the passenger says, "whoa, what are you doing?! That was a red!"

The driver replies, "don't worry about it. My cousin, he does it all the time."

The passenger sits back until the driver blows through another red. He practically leaps out of his seat, "what are you doing?! You'll ge...

I've got all the qualifications you need to be a taxi driver.

I can't speak English and I can't drive.

A naked women took a taxi

All way long, the driver starring at her in the mirror. She said "what? You never seen a naked woman?" He said "no. I'm just wondering where you will take the money out from"

With women being able to drive in Saudi Arabia, they will open a woman-only taxi service.

It'll be called NiCab.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid gets in a taxi

The taxi driver tries to be funny and jokes with the kid, also making fun of him.

If your mom would be an idiot, what would you be?

An idiot, answers the kid.

The driver starts laughing


If your dad was a retard, what would you be?

A retard, answers the kid.
...

The foreign bloke driving my taxi was so uninspired, bless him.

He kept saying "give me direction".

A naked lady ran into a taxi.

She told the driver where she was going. The man didn’t start the car but he was just staring at the girl over & over again.The lady saw him and said:"What’s ur problem man? Haven’t u seen a naked lady before?"The man replied: "l am not looking at ur nakedness, I was just wondering where you hav...

Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

He was tired of people talking behind his back.

Hello? Zeno taxi service?

I called for a cab forever ago...

What do you mean he's half way there?

Three Drunks Get into a Taxi

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"

The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.

The second drunk tips him £20 and get...

A female nudist calls for a taxi

The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.


At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?



Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

A naked woman enters a taxi

The taxi driver stares at the woman until she asks
-"What are you staring at?" And the driver responds
-"Just wondering where you're gonna get the money from"

Why did the taxi driver sue the man who died in his cab?

Because life isn't fare.

A nun hails a taxi cab...

...as she settles into her seat she notices the taxi driver sneaking peaks at her through the rear-view mirror. She says, "my son, can I help you with something?" He says, "sister, I have to admit, I've had this fantasy of...kissing a nun". She replies, "Oh, my son, I can help you with that as long ...

Taxi driver

So there's this man who drives a taxi for a living. He's no bad man, pays his taxes, loves his wife and has no addictions. But there is one bad thing that the taxi driver just loves to do, despite his good nature. Every time he drives past one of those cyclists who act like they own the place he eve...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother and her young daughter are going home by taxi at night...

after some time they're passing by the red-light district and the young girl discovers some prostitutes on the street. She asks her mother: "Mom, what are they doing?"
The mother replies: "They're just guarding the parked cars."
The taxi driver intervenes: "Don't let your mother bullshit you -...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German taxi driver was on his shift...

He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament.

A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: "So, how do you like our country?" The guy answers: "Oh, it's great. But ...

What do you call a vegan blind date?

A taxi.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Taxi driver

In the middle of the night, a guy hailed a taxi.

After a few hours, the guy in the taxi wanted to chat with the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him lightly on his shoulder.

The driver suddenly yelled , panicked, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted t...

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.

Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else u...

"Hey Dad, I'm going to the airport. Call me a taxi.'

Dad : "Hi taxi"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three drunks gets into a taxi cab late at night

The driver figured out they were piss drunk, and decided to cheat the poor fellows. He turned the car on, and after few seconds turned it off. Driver turned back to them and says "We're here, that'll be $20".
Guy 1 - *Gives the driver money*
Guy 2 - "Thank you, thank... you... sir..." <...

What did the taxi driver say to the wolf?

Where-wolf.

A man walks into a police station

with his head profusely bleeding.


Officer: What Happened


Man: My Wife hit me in the head


Officer: Why..??


Man: Her parents came over unexpectedly, so she asked me to go and get them something.


Officer: And..??


Man: I got them a taxi

I had a really bad day. First, my ex got run over by a taxi.

Then I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A businessman goes to Las Vegas (long)...

And he gambles away the shirt off his back. All he has left is the second part of plane ticket. So he goes to a taxi and asks him if he can take him to the airport. He offers his credit card number, phone number, everything, but the Taxi driver said that if he doesn't have $15, he should the hell ou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My regular Indian taxi driver picked me up whilst singing along to his crappy Punjabi music at the top of his voice

He smiled when I pulled out my set of new ear plugs, "Looks like you've come prepared this time," he said laughing.


I smiled back at him and replied, "Yes," as I put them up my nostrils.

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London...

As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
...