What do Soundcloud rappers fuel their cars with?

Gaso-lean.

Did you hear about the politician who wants our public transportation to run on alternative fuels?

He promises to make the trains run on Thyme.

The new Director of Public Transportation is obsessed with "green" fuels.

He's made all the buses run on thyme.

My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

Have you heard of Mussolini's herbal locomotive fuel?

He made the trains run on thyme.

Years ago, I invented an aviation fuel made of water,

but it never took off.

What kind of fuel does the Fast and the Furious cast use

Vin Diesel

What do you call a spaceship that runs on all natural fuel?

The Millenial falcon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you double check the fuel?

A villager from rural part of India is really excited about taking his first flight to start his new job in America. After saying the traditional goodbyes to the entire village, he gets onto the bus that will take him to the city.

Along the way, the bus runs out of fuel and he has to get out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles cleverly called Formula Zero,

or GTF0.

What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..


-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as stupid as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's fuel tank as a joke...

That truck is now know as Optimus Prime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy fuels up his car in a gas station advertised with "Free Sex With Every Fuel Up"...

So after fueling up his car and going inside to pay the man asks the cashier, "where is my free sex?" "Well there is a catch" replies the cashier "you have to guess a number from 1-10 if you get it right then you get the free sex" so the man answers 7. "Ah so close it was 8" replies the cashier. A f...

Out of fuel and over the water, a pilot desperately turns to his co-pilot and says "Let's rename the plane to r/Jokes". Confused, the co-pilot asks "why?"

"It's simple" says the pilot "r/jokes don't land".

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa?

Outtagascar

What do you call an ion engine which has run out of fuel?

An ioff engine

My wife’s car has a low fuel warning light that tells her when...

...it’s time to drive my car for a couple of days

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine shut off and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I g...

Jet Fuel can't melt Ellen Pao

[User was banned for this post]

A lot of different plants can be turned into alcohol and then used for trucking fuel. I tried this with juniper berries.

I call it gin diesel.

We should move to a herb based fuel economy

We can finally make the trains run on thyme.

What fuels electronics but drains a relationship?

Battery

The Google car won't use any fuel

It will run on a search engine

What does the train use to fuel it's gaming addiction?

Steam.

I'm so sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man attended a protest against fossil fuels...

And got six global warming shots in his back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [Long] Three men are stranded in the middle of the desert. Each one of them is starving, thirsty, and desperate to get home...

As they trudge through the endless desert, one of them spots a small cottage in the distance with scrap metal and junk all around it. He told the others and they all thought it was just a mirage. But as they drew near the cottage, they learned that it was very real.

They all get excited. C...

Jet Fuel Alcoholics

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet f...

Why do christians burn fossil fuels?

They're trying to destroy the evidence.

I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette.

The police arrested her for waving a firearm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once were two airplane mechanics from New Jersey...

... Who were also drinking buddies.

One night, the mechanics (Rick and Paul) were finishing up their shift and discussing where they should go for a drink afterwards.

"I don't know, man," said Rick. "We've been to every bar in town. The scene's getting old."

"Well," replied Pau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

Four engineers in a car...

Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously th...

You hear about these new trains that can burn any organic matter for fuel?

They even run on thyme!

A man was shot today at my local gas station by two off duty police officers...

From what I have been told, the off duty officers were standing outside the store, enjoying their morning coffee before getting started for the day, when a man, who was pumping gas got a little bit of fuel on his sleeve, and must of had a lit cigarette because all of a sudden his sleeve caught on fi...

My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.

The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."

The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly...

How do men and women fill the fuel tank differently?

Men jiggle the nozzle afterwards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three war veterans were having a beer at a port

They all had other nationalities; one was British, one was American and there was a German. They were having a chat in at a bar just close to the harbour 5 years after the war.

The Brit was telling about how good their motorcycles were. *we could drive almost 100 miles on one tank!*, said the...

During WW2, oil shortages forced some countries to start using organic fuels.

Mussolini made the trains run on thyme.

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

What do you call a tinder premium subscription?

Fuel for thot

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a group of 1940s German mathematicians...

They told the world they had discovered the perfect ratio of plutonium to uranium in order to create fuel capable of space travel. They said it was simple, two parts plutonium, one part uranium. However, the rest of Europe didn't believe them because they were a bunch of fibbinazis.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mans car womt run, so he takes it to the mechanic...

Mechanic: you used subpar fuel wich corroded your injectors and intake manifold.

Man: english please?

Mechanic: low quality gas ruined your engine.

Man: dumb it down for me, im not a rocket scientist.

Mechanic: bad go-go juice make your vroom vroom machine all fucky.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Wall Street playboy has seen it all

Using his wealth to fuel his expensive fetishes and sexual desires, he begins running out of new things to try. One night he’s looking through one of his normal smutty magazines, when he sees an ad that simply claims “something you’ve never tried before”.

Why not, he thinks to himself before...

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

Why does Mr. T like to drive Teslas?

Cuz he pities the fuel

Two Nuns run out of gas...

Two Nuns run out of gas a mile from the gas station.

They are rummaging around the car for a gas can, or some other container to hold the fuel but all they can find is a bed pan.

So they take the bed pan and walk the mile to the station, fill the pan and walk back to the car.
...

What do you feed a female horse after dark?

Nightmare fuel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

A woman was arrested the other day...

Apparently she was pumping gasoline when she spilled a little fuel on her hand. She was in a big hurry so she wiped it as best she could, paid and went on her way. As she was driving down the highway she lit up a cigarette and her hand ignited. A passing police officer immediately crossed the median...

Petrol station mishap.

My friend went to the petrol station last night, after going inside and paying for his fuel he drove to the exit and decided to light a cigarette as he pulled out onto the road. He had unknowingly got petrol all over his jacket whilst at the pump and as he flicked his lighter his whole sleeve went u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An air force cadet enters flight academy during world war 2

He gets a perfect score on the written test on the first day and starts his flight training. He's so good he's doing loops and within the first week.

He graduates within a month with flying colors and is sent to the pacific and stationed on an aircraft carrier.

He shoots down 5 Japan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.

The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

"Do you know what 'UFO' s...

An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
...

A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."

"How so?"

"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde gets on a plane with her friend and they take their seats.

An hour or so after take off, they're handed an eye mask and pillow. The blonde ponders the in-flight entertainment for a moment, then puts on her eye mask and kicks back... when suddenly, the plane violently shakes and everyone starts to scream.

The hull of the plane tears open, ripping off ...

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast...

....when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.


An station attendent came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan, and a Mexican are on a plane.

The pilot says, “We don’t have enough fuel to make it, we will need to push out all of our cargo”
The people all push out every last seat and bag that they have, and the pilot regretfully tells them that it is not enough. He says, “3 of you 4 will have to jump out of this plane,”

The Engli...

3 blondes are stuck...

3 blondes are stuck on a river bank and can't cross it. They find a bottle in the sand, and as they open it, a genie pops out.

"I will promise you 3 wishes. Pick carefully." Says the genie.

"I want a boat." Says the first one. The genie grants her wish, but the river current is too po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in his brand new car stops by his friends who were waiting for the bus.

His friends didn't know he had this car and ask him how he got it.

"So I was trying to get a lift, at the fuel station, and all of a sudden this absolute masterpiece of a girl stops by. You know, long blonde hair, big tits and everything.

Having driven for over half an hour, she told m...

The bottom suddenly falls out of a plane.

All passengers hold themselves up in the conveniently placed assist grips.

The usual jingle is heard through the speakers, as the co-pilot speaks slowly and clearly: "Just now, all of our fuel has been used."

The frightened passengers look at each other.

The pilot speaks again...

Yo Mama’s so fat

I had to swerve to miss her in my car and I ran out of fuel

Emergency landing . . .

At 8PM one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top-secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because the interrogators wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and that th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A magic frog is hopping through a forest.

The forest is so big, he's not seen a single animal since he left his birthing puddle. One day he sees a bear chasing a rabbit and he stops them. "As you are the first living things I've seen in a long time, I will grant you each 3 wishes."

The rabbit takes a moment to think, but the bear blu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three generals are having a day off at the beach

The American General begins to boast: "Our submarines are the best in the world! The newest 2016 model can stay weeks under water without having to surface!"

The Russian general is unimpressed and says: "Russian U-boat is best. Months we stay under water and no need to go up!"

The Ger...

A pilot is flying a small one-seater plane over southern Africa in 1960...

when suddenly, his navigation equipment stops functioning. Because he has a general idea of where to go, he decides to keep flying.

Several hours pass, and the pilot is getting worried. He's running low on fuel, and doesn't have any idea where he is. He decides that he will land at the next r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONT...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.