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Jet Fuel Booze

Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've he...

Due to increased fuel costs and because electric cars are so expensive, legislators voted today to reintroduce horse and buggy

The vote failed: one yea, 35 neigh

What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa?

Outtagascar

3 women are on a ship that’s run out of fuel

There’s an island in the distance so the brunette decides to make a swim for it. She swims 100metres but drowns.

The redhead decides to have a go. She swims 500metres but drowns.

The blonde has no choice. She gets in the water, swims 1 mile and gets within 100metres of the island. She ...

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

I heard fossil fuels were bad...

So I burned a bunch in my backyard. Glad to be helping the environment.

A blonde called her car customer service saying she could only drive her car during the day. During the night, it didn't move at all.

A mechanic comes and after an inspection couldnt find anything wrong.

"You sure you put the right fuel?"
"Yup. Petrol"

Eventually, he asks her if shes using the right gears.

She says, "Of course, I'm not stupid. I'm using D during the day and N during the night"

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"



Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,...

a Chicken drives up to a gas station.

Fuels up and goes to pay. Clerk: That'll be 80 bucks. Chicken sighs, clears his throat and starts: Buck... Buck..

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

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The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers...

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# Rule 9 - Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving minors.

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I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow dung as fuel

But I think it's bullshit

A man find a bottle and rubs it, a Genie pops out and tells the man he has three wishes.

The man’s first wish is for infinite wealth. The genie says, “No problem!” And grants the wish. The man’s bank account crashes due to the amount of money it contains!

The man’s second wish is to have a really nice car that will never run out of gas. The Genie says, “Oh man, that’s a tough one...

So, one large oil company have announced that they are going to be producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it is B.P.

In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme

What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..


-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as stupid as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

What fuel do birds use to fly?

Geesel

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

After a long flight, the Captain comes onto the PA to address the passengers

I've got good news and bad news...the bad news we are completely lost and had just enough fuel to get to the destination. The good news we are almost out of gas so we should be getting close.

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

The right horse

A guy was driving in the countryside when his car broke down, he knew nothing about cars so thought he was in trouble but he heard a voice say "it's the fuelpump" he looked around but there was no-one around except a brown horse and the horse said "it's the fuel pump" the guy was distraught and ran ...

If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate Jerry can.

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from th...

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Man runs out of fuel with Harley Davidson (very long)

There once was this man who always wanted a Harley Davidson. And one day he finally had enough money to do so.

When he went to buy his dream motorcycle the guy from the schop gave him a bucket of lube. The man asked: “wat’s the lube for”, is and the guy from the shop says: “because you have a...

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

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A policeman stands near the road...

Waiting for some cars to pass by. Finally a family sedan appears in his sight and as the car approaches the officer gives a signal to the driver to pull up. A young man and a young woman are sitting on the front seats while an elderly pair had taken the seats behind them. The sedan stops and the pol...

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

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A man buys a second hand car

A man buys a second hand car. It's an old, run down Datsun.
The man buys the car, but as he's driving home it breaks down. When he lifts the hood, he notices that there's a cog missing.

He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had run out of business years ago, and that he wo...

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What's as big as a house, burns 20 litres of fuel every hour, puts out a shit ton of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces

Useless

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an ...

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

Why should you not ingest automobile fuel?

It'll give you gas.

for all the ladies waiting for their prince on a white horse

Keep up your hopes. With price of fuel it could happen any day now

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51.

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.

"We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded."

The Ukrainian f...

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f...

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A guy fuels up his car in a gas station advertised with "Free Sex With Every Fuel Up"...

So after fueling up his car and going inside to pay the man asks the cashier, "where is my free sex?" "Well there is a catch" replies the cashier "you have to guess a number from 1-10 if you get it right then you get the free sex" so the man answers 7. "Ah so close it was 8" replies the cashier. A f...

Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

What fuels electronics but drains a relationship?

Battery

I think it's smart for Texans to remove books from libraries...

They're going to need more fuel for the fires after the Power Grid fails again

My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

What do you call a spaceship that runs on all natural fuel?

The Millenial falcon

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Tiger woods

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy who knows nothing about golf, says “Top o the morning to ya sir!” Tiger nods and bends to pick up the fuel nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket. “What are those?” Asks Paddy. “They’re called t...

What do Soundcloud rappers fuel their cars with?

Gaso-lean.

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Did you double check the fuel?

A villager from rural part of India is really excited about taking his first flight to start his new job in America. After saying the traditional goodbyes to the entire village, he gets onto the bus that will take him to the city.

Along the way, the bus runs out of fuel and he has to get out...

Jet Fuel can't melt Ellen Pao

[User was banned for this post]

Late night At an empty gas station a man fills up his car and pays for the fuel...

He gets into the car and grips the steering wheel tightly before saying: now only one of us is empty..

We should move to a herb based fuel economy

We can finally make the trains run on thyme.

A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp

His boss starts:

"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"

"Yes Captain, it's true..."

"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."

"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."...

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A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

Analysis of the tanks is as follows:

American tanks are more effective, however can be spotted easily due to the usage of Fortunate Son whenever a hatch opens.

However, Russian tanks are silent. This is not intentional, as they ran out of fuel.

French tanks have a speed faster in reverse than in forwards.

Similarly...

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's fuel tank as a joke...

That truck is now know as Optimus Prime.

The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles cleverly called Formula Zero,

or GTF0.

What does the train use to fuel it's gaming addiction?

Steam.

I'm so sorry.

I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette.

The police arrested her for waving a firearm.

Years ago, I invented an aviation fuel made of water,

but it never took off.

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Thank you Russia...

for this beautiful green tractor! Woke up one day to see this massive beauty on my front road. Too bad it didn't have any fuel, had to tow it to my garage to fill her up.


Seems like I could store plenty of stuff in these 2 big boxes at the top. "Miss suh les"? Is that a new Russian word...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, did you hear about the guy that had all the gas siphoned out of his car's gas tank outside?" he asks the bartender. "No, and I don't want to," the bartender replies. "I'm sick an tired of your April fuel's jokes."

An old man lies on his deathbed. The end is near and family is gathering.

His memories run through his head as he lies alone while people talk in the other room. Sad things, joyful things. So many joyful memories. He thinks he smells his favorite cookies baking. Wait, the smell is real! His wife is making cookies, something she has not done for years!

He rall...

The new Director of Public Transportation is obsessed with "green" fuels.

He's made all the buses run on thyme.

A cop was watching a woman fueling her car. He noticed that she was smoking and all of a sudden her arm caught fire and started waving her arm. The cop tackled her and arrested her......

She was charged with waving a fire arm

Out of fuel and over the water, a pilot desperately turns to his co-pilot and says "Let's rename the plane to r/Jokes". Confused, the co-pilot asks "why?"

"It's simple" says the pilot "r/jokes don't land".

Three men are on an airplane

One is the pilot. One is an old traveling hippie. And the last one is the world's smartest man.

The engine starts sputtering and the pilot says they're leaking fuel fast, and will crash soon. The pilot puts the plane into auto and tells his two passengers that there are only two parachute pac...

A lot of different plants can be turned into alcohol and then used for trucking fuel. I tried this with juniper berries.

I call it gin diesel.

My wife’s car has a low fuel warning light that tells her when...

...it’s time to drive my car for a couple of days

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

You hear about these new trains that can burn any organic matter for fuel?

They even run on thyme!

I can't believe how much money I've spent fueling my drinking problem.

Time to start brewing coffee at home.

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A black man attended a protest against fossil fuels...

And got six global warming shots in his back.

Jet Fuel Alcoholics

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet f...

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An Amercian, a Russian and a Shepherd from mountains are drinking.

American starts boasting : " Guys , in USA we have such a big hangar , that it takes a full tank of fuel to cross from one side to other." Russian: " aa that is nothing , we in mother russia , we have such a large pot for potatoes , that we use two nuclear submarines for stirring." . Shepherd " Well...

Four guys were driving in a car, an engineer, electrician, plumber and an IT guy

The car suddenly stops working.

The engineer suggest to check the belts, fluids etc...

The electrician suggest to check the battery and alternator...

The plumber suggest to check the fuel level, pump and filter...

Last, the IT guys says lets get out, lock the doors, unl...

During WW2, oil shortages forced some countries to start using organic fuels.

Mussolini made the trains run on thyme.

They've found a cure for depression!

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An Engineering Joke.

Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this ...

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A bear and a rabbit stumbled upon a magical lamp in the forest...

They rubbed it and guess what, a genie appeared. He granted both of them 3 wishes each. The rabbit asked the bear to go first, becuase he knew the bear's playboy nature.

Bear: I wish to be the most handsome bear in the whole world.
Genie: Granted.
Rabbit: I want a motorbike.
Genie (a...

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

What do clowns fill their cars with?

Laughing gas!

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This has probably been made before, but I just thought of it after my mom, while doing her crossword puzzle, said aloud "fuel for a funny car" and I suggested laughing gas. It wasn't the right answer, unfortunately.

Update, the answer is "Nitro" which i...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

Why do christians burn fossil fuels?

They're trying to destroy the evidence.

Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?

It was an April Fuels joke.

What’s the most used tank on the battlefield?

The fuel tank

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:

Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
<...

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

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