This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is waiting for the bus.

A woman passes him in her car, splashing mud all over him before driving away, laughing.

​

The next day, the woman's car is broken down on the highway. The man passes her and rolls down his window.

"I'm definitely posting this on Reddit"

"What? Why would you do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day.

After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say
"if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark"
"If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!"

He would keep going until he d...

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!”

Nine of the priests turn around and b...

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Little Johnny gets on the pubic bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

He keeps saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a fawn."

The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to Little Johnny, saying, "What if your mom was a...

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A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.

She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: 
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together ...

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An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

Old lady on the bus

she hands the bus driver some peanuts, to which he says "thank you" and eats them all.

Few moments later she hands him some more peanuts. This time he says "oh no thank you, why don't you eat them". Old lady replies " oh i couldn't possibly do that, I have no teeth you see".

...

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#NSFW #Religion - A porn actor walks into a hair salon

He is seated behind a nun. And struck with her beauty, he tells her:

"I wanna have sex with you."

She turns her head and looks at him with disgust.

"I'm a nun. I can't do those things."

Irritated, she stands and leaves the hair salon.
The barber comes to him and says:<...

Whats the difference between a school bus and a cactus?

With a cactus the little pricks are on the outside.

Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus

and I lost my job as a bus driver.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

A nun and a rastafarian sit down on a bus

The Rastafarian asks the nun if she’ll go on a date with him and then go back to his place. The nun is disgusted and tells him she sworn to only the lord and leaves

The bus driver tell the Rastafarian that that every night she goes to pray in the church courtyard and could find her there.
...

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..

and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, an...

A suicide bomber managed to kill everyone on the bus that I was on, including myself!

I was blown away.

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

Two ladies are fighting on a bus for the last seat...

The driver went up to the ladies and said the following: "let the ugliest of the 2 have the seat." After which both of the ladies stood for the rest of the ride, never fighting again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting in a crowded bus

He farts and it's extremely loud, everyone in the bus looks at him and start laughing

The man then says
"If I knew all of you were gonna laugh I would've taken a shit"

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.

What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes?

Traffic jam

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A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone...

At the end of our night my date said she didn't want to walk to the bus stop on her own.

I said, "You won't be on your own. There's a guy behind us in a massive trench coat who's probably going there too."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One guy sees a beautiful Nun on a bus

He says to her "Hey little girl, wanna have sex"

The Nun turned around her face fuming. "Who do you think you are! I am God's servant!"

Once the bus stopped the nun ran out of the bus, still fuming.

The bus driver heard all of this and called the guy over to him. "Hey that nun g...

What did the bus driver say to the one-legged man?

Hop on.

This St. Patrick's day I drank too much and had to take a bus home.

That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] The nun and the pervert

Jeff was on his morning commute when a beautiful young nun walked on. He couldn't help himself and began trying to flirt with the nun, who just sat there in silence and got off at the next stop.

The bus driver overheard Jeff's attempts and decided to let him in on a secret.

"She prays...

I’m trying to think of a joke about waiting for the bus at the wrong bus stop.

But nothing is coming to me.

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

A man is riding on a bus.

Highway patrol pulls the bus over and orders him to get down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there is this bus driver...

And every time a pretty girl gets on the bus the driver looks at her and says "tickle your ass with a feather?"

And if the woman responds positively he goes with it. But if she responds negatively he says "particularly nasty weather?"

So there is a homeless man that regularly rides th...

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby...

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus...

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.

"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Glaswegian is standing in a bus queue eating a meat pie and chips, and this little yappy dog keeps jumping up at him and begging.

So he says to the lady that's got the dog, "Hey there, is it OK if I throw your dog a bit?"

And when she says "Yes," he picks the dog up by the scruff and yeets the fucker thirty yards up the street.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little...

What's the difference between a bus and a genie?

One lives in a depot, and one lives in de pot

I gave up my seat to a blind lady in the bus..

And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver

A man and a woman are riding a bus.

The woman looks over and notices the man's fly is open.

She tells him, "Sir, your store is open."

The man promptly zips his fly.

After a few moments he asks, "Did you happen to see the store's owner?"

The woman replies, "No, but I saw a drunk stocker laying on two sacks...

I ran behind the bus and finally able to catch it. I approached the bus driver and said

"Is this bus your mom?"
He: No

"your wife"
He: No

"Sister"
He: No

"Then why the hell you won't allowing me to ride?

People say that there is always one wierd person on the bus, but I don't get it.

I travel by bus everyday and I never see any wierd people. Everyone looks normal. It doesn't matter how long I stare at them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets on a crowded bus.

The seats are full, except one empty seat next to a very attractive nun, so he decides to sit next to her. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and storms off the bus

The bus driver approaches the man and says, "There is a way you can screw that nun....

Woman on a full bus to a guy sitting: "Can you give me space? I am pregnant."

Guy replies: "Sure. And how long are you pregnant? You dont show yet"
Woman: "Two hours. But my legs still hurt".

The complex mathematics of the bus driver

Imagine yourself being a bus driver.

At stop number 1, you get 10 passengers.

At stop number 2, you get 3 passengers.

At stop number 3, 4 passengers get off, 2 male 1 female.

At stop number 4, 11 passengers got on.

At stop number 5, 6 passengers get off, 2 kids, 4...

this woman in a tank top and a tight skirt is waiting for the bus

well it comes and she tries to step onto the step only to find out she can’t

She gives the driver the “one moment” sign and proceeds to unzip her skirt and try again, she can’t step up the first step

She once again gives the driver the “one moment” sign and unzips her skirt a little ...

How do you get pikachu and squirtle on a bus?

You poke 'em on

40 blondes decided to tour London in a double Decker bus

The ones up on the top were terrified while the ones on the bottom were singing and partying. Finally the tour guide went up to the top to ask why they weren't happy like the others. One of the blondes said, "that's easy for you to say, you have a driver!"

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A group of nuns got hit by a bus and died.

On heavens gate, st. Peter stopped them and told them to get in line and said: "Sisters, wash your sins away in this bowl of holy water, and you can step into heaven!"

First nun:"st.Peter, i've sinned. I once saw a penis."

St.Peter:"Then wash your eyes, and go in, sister!"

Secon...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

A mother enters the bus carrying her baby.

Upon seeing the little infant, the driver exclaims: "Eww, what a disgustingly ugly baby!"

Furious, the mother storms to the back of the bus, sitting down next to a gentleman.

She complains to him: "That bus driver just called my baby ugly! What a rude ass!"

The gentleman retorts...

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..

"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says,

-Sister, shall we ju...

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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

A bus driver is on court for murdering 31 people

A bus driver is on court and being judged for running over 31 people with a bus. The judge asks the driver to explain what has happened from his vision and the following is his response.


Driver: I was driving the bus casually as I do every shift. I was going on the same route when I start...

A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway

Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

One day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet height, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't n...

Two blondes walk onto a double decker bus

This one's a classic I heard years ago from my grandma and I still enjoy hearing and telling.

So two blondes are traveling in London together and decide to get onto a double decker bus to reach their next stop. However, the bus is so crowded that one of the friends has to sit on the bottom of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

"Mind if I sit there?" I asked the guy on the bus.

He said, "Actually, I do."

So I said, "Why?"

He said, "Because this is *my* wheelchair."

Why can’t Stevie wonder drive a bus?

There’s no steering wheel in the back of the bus.

An English man was left in a vegetative state after being hit by a car, bus, tractor and trailer.

It was an Oxford Coma.

Two necrophiles are sitting on a bus and look at pictures of their girlfriends.

One turns to the other and says "Where did you dig up that one?"

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nun on a bus

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"
"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.
Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how you can sc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two girls on the bus

Two girls on the bus were talking about how much sex they had the other day when an old man said coughing:

"Whores!"

The first girl rapidly walked up to him asked what the fuck he just said. He then answered:

"Sorry, had something in my throat, you surely can relate!"

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

Bus drivers are the rudest persons on Earth.

They never give up their seats for elderly or disabled people.

I went for my interview to be a bus driver.

I said, "Sorry I'm late."

They said, "You're hired"

A nude guy was running to catch up with a bus

He gets on the moving bus just in time, just to find the passengers and the conductor to be staring at him.
"Never seen a nude passenger before?" He asked, to which the conductor flatly replies, "nah, since ur palms are empty, wondering where you put the bus fare."

The bus journey

A man is going on a holiday. He is sitting in front of two old ladies who are talking away. He gets offered some raisins by one of them and she hands him a handful of raisins to which he eats up. 10 min later he gets offered the same again. This goes on for the next hour. He starts getting confused ...

A little boy was in a bus eating candy, and he kept going at it until...

A man next to him said,
"Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth?!"

The boy replied,
"My grandfather lived for 132 years."

The man asked ,
"Was it because he ate candy?"

The boy replied,
"No, he was always minding his own business!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM

Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

A bus full of journalists is on its way to Mar-a-Lago.

The bus veers off the road and overturns. Emergency vehicles rush to the scene, only to find Trump with a shovel in his hand, and Stephen Miller on a bulldozer.

A paramedic asks " What happened to all the passengers ? "

Trump says " They were all dead, so we buried them ! "

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stoned out hippy on a bus

A stoned out hippie is riding a bus. While riding a nun boards the bus. The hippie is positively smitten with her and thinks she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. As it happens she sits right across the aisle from him.

The hippie can't contain himself. He leans over and tells her ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(nsfw, racism) i was waiting at the bus stop when i pulled out my phone, accidentally dropped a bunch of change...

Asian guy next to me says "Yeah!? Well fuck you too!!"

I lent my wife my gloves to survive the cold on her way to work this morning. She left them on the bus.

I’m now living in a gloveless relationship.

A Catholic priest hears that a bus full of orphans is found. What does he say?

Let us prey.

One day a bus of about 30 people die in a car crash

Once they get to heaven god says,”Since you all died in such a tragic way I will grant you one wish before I let you into heaven.” Well the first woman walks up and says,”God I wish to be beautiful.” So God made her stunningly beautiful. The next man doesn’t really know what to wish for so he wishes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I farted on the bus.

Some guy tapped my shoulder and said,

“Better watch your back. I just heard some asshole talking shit.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a bar with a gun and snarls "who had sex with my husband!?"

In the back a lone nun raises their hand.

"My husband had sex with a nun!?!" the woman exclaims.

The nun replies, "Actually I'm just a bus driver."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Nun

One day a Hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a Hot Young Nun.
He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have Sex, to which she immediately says NO and walks off the bus.
The Bus Driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have Sex with you.....

Farted on the bus today and four people turned around....

Felt like I was on The Voice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On the bus one day

A man sitting next to a woman on a bus leans to her and says 'Can i smell your pussy?'

She bellows 'No you may certainly not'

To which he replies : 'Oh it must be your feet then'

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex life is like the show Magic Schoolbus

I take chances, make mistakes, and get messy.


Also, it's completely fictional.