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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter call...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?

A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysteri...

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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean

Tinder is like being on a bus.

Everyone is on their phones, but no one is talking.

An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, ...

A man was struck by a bus on a busy street.

He knew his injuries were too severe to survive so, being a devout Catholic, he called for a priest to pray for him in his last moments. The surrounding crowd frantically searched the area for a priest, but none could be found. Finally, an elderly Jewish man stepped out of the crowd. “Now I’m not a ...

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Last night I was too drunk to drive home from the bar, so I took the bus.

Now my wife wants to know what the fuck a bus is doing in our driveway.

So does this policeman.

Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.

Then I lost my job as a driver.

The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)

Another classic...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughi...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

At a bus stop near the center of town

An elderly woman gets on the bus and takes a seat behind two old Italian friends engaged in conversation.

"How was your night last night, Tony?"

"Ah Giuseppe, it was a a-wonderful night-a a last-a night-a."

" You see, Emma a-come first, then I come a-next. Then our two asses a...

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What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?

Nothing, they’re stuck up cunts

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Yesterday, I caught a disgusting pervert on the bus watching porn

over my shoulder.

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop,

A woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus d...

I took the bus home.

Now my face is all over the news.

A woman stands in a bus station and thinks to herself: "should I go by bus or by taxi?

If I go by taxi, it doesn't matter. If I go by bus, there are 2 options; either I'll sit, or I'll stand. If I stand, it doesn't matter. If I sit, there are 2 options; either I'll sit next to a boy, or I'll sit next to a girl. If I'll sit next to a girl, it doesn't matter. If I sit next to a boy, the...

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"Excuse me," I said to the hot girl sat in front of me on the bus.

"You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

During Soviet times, an elderly woman was waiting for the bus.

When it finally arrived she exclaimed "Finally, glory to God!" The driver said, "Comrade, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin!'." "Excuse me, comrade," the woman replied. "I'm just an ignorant old woman. From now on I'll say what you told me to." After a while, she continue...

A priest is riding on a city bus when...

A priest is riding on a city bus when a drunk gets on and sits next to him. He obviously hasn't had a bath while on this binge. The drunk starts reading a newspaper, then puts it down and says, " Hey, Father, what do you think causes arthritis?". The priest is quite annoyed with this guy, and sharp...

What do you Call a bus With no Wheels

A Lawsuit

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Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]

On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater."

She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt..."

I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

A young boy sat at a bus stop eating a chocolate bar.

When he finished he reached in his pocket, drew out another and ate it too. He then pulled out a 3rd bar and began to unwrap it.

A woman sitting next to him said "all that chocolate will make you fat and ruin your teeth."

The boy replied "My grandfather lived to be 126 years old."
<...

A Bus conductor once commited a very brutal crime and was sentenced to be electrocuted but he survived the electrocution even after multiple unsuccessful attempts

Because he was a bad conductor

A bus driver was heading down a street. He went right past a stop sign without stopping. Next he turned left where there was a "no-left turn" sign. Finally he went the wrong way down a one-way street. He didn't break any traffic laws. How?

He was walking.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

What happened to the Blonde who tried to blow up a School Bus?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

To who ever said I should take the bus home from the pub instead of my car,

I was too drunk to drive that as well.

In a bus...

... a grandma looks with interest a girl that has a hieroglyphs tattoo on her neck

Gi: "Hey granny, what are you looking at?"

Gr: "At what is written on your neck, darling."

Gi: "So what? Tattoos haven't existed when you were young?"

Gr: "Babe, we had them to, but... I w...

A man misses the bus...

A man on the way home just misses the bus. He runs after it in the hope to catch it, but ends up running all the way to his home.

There he tells his wife : Honey, I did something great today. I saved 3€ by running after the bus.

She responds: Stupid you. You should have been running a...

A bus full of ugly people crashes

Everyone dies and they all go up to the pearly gates. St. Peter approaches the first person in line.

“My dear. You get one wish before you enter the kingdom of heaven. What is it?

The ugly person replies. “I’ve been ugly my entire life. I’d love to experience what it would be like to ...

Bus stops are kind of my fetish.

It's just how I get off.

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"A considerate man would give up his seat to a lady in my condition," said the pregnant woman on the bus.

"A considerate woman would have fucked a guy with a car," I replied.

I love the look on people's faces, standing freezing at the bus stop as I drive past them.

It's partly why I became a bus driver.

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A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says “NO! I am married to God!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver sees all this. He tells the hippie “She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe; go to the graveyard and tell her you are God and d...

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Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window

"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger

"Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"

I gave up my seat in the bus to a blind old lady

That's how I lost my job

An elderly woman goes on a bus

An elderly woman goes on a bus and hands the bus driver peanuts.

A few minutes later the woman hands the bus driver more peanuts.

After the bus driver eats the peanuts he ask why the old woman keeps giving him them.

She responds saying "I don't have any teeth so I can't eat the...

When Usain Bolt misses the bus,

he waits for it at *the next stop.*

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The bus driver, the hippy, and the nun.

A bus driver, a hippy, and a nun are all on the bus as it comes to a stop. As the nun is getting off the hippy says to her “I am going to have sex with you.” The nun replies “like hell you are and leaves.” The buss driver says “do you see that grave site over there?” Hippy replays “yes.” “Well every...

A priest and a bus driver die and approach the pearly gates.

They approach St Peter, who says that the bus driver can get into heaven, but the priest has to go to hell.

'Why do I have to go to hell but the driver can go to heaven?' the priest asks, bewildered. 'I have devoted my whole life to God!'

'Because,' replies St Peter, 'when you read the...

Three old ladies on a bus bench

Three old ladies are sitting on a bus bench awaiting their bus, when a man in a trench coat runs up in front of them. He whips open his coat. The first old lady has a stroke. The second old lady has a stroke. The third couldn’t reach...

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A sailor, a bus driver and a pilot are having a chat when another pilot sits next to them

Immediately they ask

"Who the fuck is flying the plane?"

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

I saw a few nuns at a bus stop...one of them was smoking a cigarette, one of them was wearing a beanie...

You could say they had a couple bad habits.

Whenever I see a bus with a woman driver, I smile and I think how far the society has gone.

Then waited to take the next one.

Interviewer: What drives you? Candidate: The bus mostly.

Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?

Candidate: Missing the bus!

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi, a horse, Dave, an infinite number of mathematicians, and the bus driver all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

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I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son."



She said, "It's natural."



"Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."

3 nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes...

All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them.

He said to the nuns, "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question."

To the first nun, St Peter asks "Where did Adam meet the first wo...

I really love playing my Nintendo Switch on the bus during my commute to work.

Ensures plenty of Mii time.

TIL that a school bus can only jump over 14 students at a time.

Unrelatedly, I’ve been fired from my job as a bus driver.

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

I missed the bus today.

I really shouldn't be this sentimental about public transport.

Ten bad Reddit jokes are on a bus...

The bus goes careening off of a cliff, rolls down an embankment and bursts in to flames at the bottom. When rescue crews arrive, they heroically save nine of the jokes. Unfortunately, there was one pun in ten dead.

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3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

They're discussing what they are bringing with them to prison. The first guy says "well, I bought a deck of cards. I figure I can play solitaire when I'm bored, I can gamble to make money in there, and l...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady," I thought, while happily munch...

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Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Itali...

A tour bus full of noisy Americans arrived at Runnymede, England.

They gathered around the tour guide, who told them that they were standing near the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta. A large man pushed his way through the crowd and asked, "When did that happen?" "1215", the guide answered. "Damn! We missed it by half an hour!", the m...

I make my entire department get the bus to work. It's way more environmentally friendly than those huge gas guzzlers we drive.

Makes it hard to get to the fires on time though.

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The Drunk & the Bus Driver

This is a repost of one I've told for decades:

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus...

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(NSFW) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to t...

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The bus.

The bus leaves the stop, the man behind it who is rushing towards it to catch it stumbles and falls, gets up, starts running again, falls again. So many times in a row. People on the bus look at the bull and are choking with laughter.
One girl puts her head out the window and yells, "If you stum...

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts.

So the driver
happily munches them.


Every 5 minutes she gives him a
handful more peanut.


Driver: Why don't you eat them
yourself?


Old lady: I can't chew. Look, I
have no teeth.


Driver: Then why do you buy
them?


Old lady: Oh, I jus...

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

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I was sitting on the bus, next to this lady when I turned to her and said, "Hey lady, can I smell your feet?" She became offended and replied, "OF COURSE NOT!"

"Then it must be your pussy."

An erection is like a bus ride

A lot of kids are getting off

A conductor kissed a girl on the bus

He was arrested and the police gave him electric shocks but it had no effect.
Because he was a bad conductor.

Sorry guys.

What does Karl Marx, a bus driver and a sous chef at a 5-star restaurant have in common?

Everything, if Marx had his way.

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I meet a beauty at the bus station and I asked her would you suck my dick? She smiled and said...

If you suck my dick first! I said damn,
The Transit’s Cumming

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I was at the front of the bus with my sister.

This old man said, "When are you two getting off?"

"We're fucking related you sick bastard," I replied.

I was about to be hit by a bus and a Latino saved me.

That is why Jesus is my Savior.

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Some asshole on the bus just sneezed in my face

I'm now feeling kinda ill

I farted in the bus today and four people turned around..

I felt like I was on The Voice.

To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

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I saw a fat woman standing at the bus stop.

I asked her when is it due?, she then went into a right rage and said I am not pregnant you ignorant Bastard. I said I was on about the bus you fat cow.

What does a redditor say when someone is coughing at him in the bus?

"Thanks for the cold, kind stranger."

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A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people.

Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea).

However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home.

We passed a po...

My friend told me I have no idea what irony is

Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself. "Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in." The first person steps up and thinks for a momen...

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

An old grandma brings the bus driver peanuts every single day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". 

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:

No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.

Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said. "Big John...

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I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

A bloke's sitting on the bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breasfeeding her baby.

The baby won't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it this nice man here".

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here"


The bloke says "Listen love, can you make you're bloody mind up,...

I wasn’t feeling so good and so I went to the doctors

I told the doctor that I haven’t been feeling so well lately.

The doctor proceeded to ask me questions and do some tests.

He came to the conclusion that I was not getting enough exercise and therefore advised me to do so.

So, based on the doctors advice, for the next month, i...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.”

Me: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality!”

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A Bus Carrying Nuns to the Convent....

Goes over a cliff, killing all on board.

Being pious nuns, all are transported directly to the pearly gates where St. Peter, standing beside a font, is awaiting them.

He says to the nuns, "Our heavenly Father awaits you on the other side of the gates to welcome you to the eternal parad...

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Two Italian Men Get On a Bus

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:


"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come...

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering ...

A Bus Stop

On a bus stop in Washington DC, there were a cop, a nurse, a man in a suit, a philosopher and a priest. The cop spoke first:

Cop: ”Is this the right bus stop to Congress hill?”

Man in suit: ”yes”

Cop: ”Good. As it happens, there was this school shooting incident last week; I was...

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A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

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While waiting at the bus stop i saw a woman come out from a bus with her breast exposed...

Being a gentleman i told her about her ordeal


Woman: OH SHIT! I LEFT MY BABY IN THE BUS!

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Bakery in Pakistan

A guy named Sarim works at a bakery in Karachi, Pakistan. As a gopher, he is obligated to serve the baker. One day the baker says "Sam, go and get me a bag of flour." Sam goes to get the bag and puts it on his head. Unfortunately the bag breaks and covers him from head to toe. Dejected, he walks bac...

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your ...

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a bus full of nuns

A few years ago there was a bus full of nuns, sadly, the bus’ brakes went out, and they full off a cliff. there were no survivors.

at the gates of heaven, st. peter is there, with a vat of holy water.

“alright sisters, please make a line” says st. peter, “ah sister marget, welcome to ...

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.

So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!”

She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.

As I walked to the back of the bus I breath...

A conductor harassed a woman on his bus

Charges were filed and the judge sentenced him to death by electric chair.


But it had no effect because he was a bad conductor.

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

One of my family photo dropped under a women's feet while sitting on a bus. When I asked her politely, I was shocked she slapped me.

I asked her, "Could you lift up your leg? I need to take a picture under your skirt".

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Two Italians Talking on the Bus

So I'm riding the bus the other day and I overhear two Italians talking about a pretty graphic sexual conquest. I heard,
"No Vincenzo you see i'ma gonna tell you one a more time. First I make Emma come, then I come, then we put the two asses together, I come again, we put the two asses together a...

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

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