This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

The police just came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

I said it's not my dogs, they don't even own bikes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?

They like to beat the crowd

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him...

He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my ...

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

What do women and police cars have in common?

They make alot of noise to let you know they're coming.

Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars

Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Today, I arrived at a local Black Friday sale at 7 AM and saw the riot police

I had never seen the riot police arrive this early before, so o asked them why they came so early.

One of them replied, “We arrived early, because we like to beat the crowd.”

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".

I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"



\- Jimmy Carr

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He’s now a seasoned veteran

A police van carrying 12 convicts crashed into a cement mixer

Police are now looking for a dozen hardened criminals

I saw that police were looking for a gravedigging corpse stealer. The other day, I saw a man offering people inanimate bodies for free.

It was kind of a dead giveaway.

Police arrested two kids, one for eating batteries, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence

Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the police officer paint his penis black?

So he could beat it at work without penalty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

How's life as a police dog?

Ruff

Local police canine unit got all their leashes stolen today.

However, the case had to be closed due to the police having no leads.

Police are looking for the person(s) responsible for drawing graffiti on local sea life

Police are saying its no accident and has been done on porpoise.

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

Police: Sir, did you or did you not just intentionally make that woman fall down?

Man: Yes, I was trying to prove a point.

Police: what point?

Man: I don't need to leave the country to trip abroad.

Why did the police suspect the fish sold drugs?

Because they noticed he had a lot of small scales with him.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the m...

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

I turned myself into the police today

It was fun pulling people over and taking their drugs until I got busted for impersonation.

The world tongue twister just got arrested by the police.

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the police man say to his belly button?

You're under a vest.

The Hong Kong protestors are not really accepting of the police’s new message.

Apparently some have even taken it to heart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra p...

Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected fowl play.

A car get's pulled over by the police.

The officer steps up to the vehicle and asks “Do you have any idea why i pulled you over?“.
The driver has a clue and replies “I guess i was speeding a bit...“, to which the officer replies:“ No. I'm vegan. Please continue your travels.“

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.

“I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."

The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife", was his reply.

As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, “Dan, I’ve failed you as a mother.”

“Mum, my name is Dave.”

The police were called to a daycare!

a 4-year-old was resisting *a rest*

The Police suddenly showed up at my house today and arrested my dog.

Reason? Unpaid barking tickets.

How do you join the police?

Handcuff them together

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a police man was walking down a street when he saw an old woman with two big bags. One bag was broken and $20 bills were falling out of it.

So, the police man stops the old lady and asked her “ hey, How did you get so much money, you didn’t rob a bank did you?” The old lady stopped replied “ No dear, I live next to a Golf course and I was sick of golfers peeing through my fence, so whenever I see a golfer stick his dirty bits through m...

Someone stole my porch window , I called the police

They said they would look into it

A man is driving down the road with several knives in the back of his truck when a police officer pulls him over

The police officer asks the man, "Why do you have so many knives in the back of your truck?"

The man responds, "Well sir, I'm a juggler it's part of my act."

The police officer responds snarling, "We've had several homicides the past few weeks I'm going to need you to prove it!"
...

The police kept telling me that I must take a break from work but I refused

I was charged with resisting a rest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

7 years old boy returns bag to police with $12000 inside bag

I hope my kids arent this fucking stupid

XBox and Playstation are fighthing, but the police are already on their way...

WiiU WiiU WiiU

Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth?

Because *littering* is a crime.

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn't suffer.

It was instant.

If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

I walked into the men's restroom at a police station.

As I walked in, a creepy guy rushed over to me and pulled me close. He told me he would give me "Candy" in exchange for my pee. I assumed he had to pass a test or something.

I told him, "Well, it's your lucky day, I came into this restroom to pee!"

He smiled and told me, "Urine for a t...

Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, thats got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site"

My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas

The police verdict? Hummuscide.

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

how police officers dose it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

A police officer pulled over Werner Heisenberg.

The officer said “I clocked you going 75.”

Heisenberg replied “Great, now I’m lost!”

The police are looking for two stars of the school play who went missing.

They don’t have any leads.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

[Dad pun] What did the police officer say to the tired robber?

Looks like you need arrest.

A man keeps stealing police car tyres

The police are looking tyrelessly for him

What is the worst part about having to go to a daycare as a police officer

There is always at least one kid napping and a bunch resisting a rest

Guy sits in a police interrogation room

He says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”



Cop: "But you are the lawyer."



"Exactly, so where’s my present?"

The police finally caught the guy who cut off my arm.

People say he's evil, but I think he just needed a shoulder to cry on.

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

A group of crows were receiving their PhDs at their college's commencement ceremony when the police showed up.

They all were arrested for third-degree murder.

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

What do you call a team of DEA or Police who raids a marijuana grow-house?

A Joint Task Force

The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.

Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar."

The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?"

The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license...

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what the toughest part about being a gay, black, police officer is?

The discrimination.

A police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"

I said , " scissors, I won" and drove off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

I think the police really like my parking skills ...

Because an officer gave me a ticket that said “ Parking Fine”.

Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”

Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“

A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

A blonde walks into a police station......

......in search for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions first...
Officer: What's 24+45

Blonde: Ummmmm... 69!

Officer: What's the square root of 225?

Blonde: Ummmm... 15!

Officer: Nice! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm......

An avocado farmer has all of his crop stolen and calls the police...

Farmer: Someone stole all of my avocados!

Cop: How many avocados?

Farmer: All of them!

Cop: I need an exact number for the report.

Farmer: How am I supposed to know how many avocados there are?

Cop (annoyed): Just tell me the number of avocados.

Farmer: 6.02...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a plumber and the police?

You call one when shit is going down, and you call the other when it isn’t.

There's a gang going through town, systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size.

Police say they are still at large.

Just had two Police at my front door.

They asked me the questions - ‘Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said - ‘No I’m not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said - ‘Hang on a minute - am I a suspect or something'?
They said - ‘No these are just initial enquiries'.

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

A foreign dignitary is being shown around a police station in Belarus, and he decides to as a question...

*Why do your police officers always patrol in teams of three?*, he asks.

*Simple,* his host says.

*There's always one that can read, and one that can write.*

*But what's the third one for?*, the dignitary asks.

*He's there to keep an eye on the tw...

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

In 1910 a Russian man was ranting and raving about Tsar Nicolas II

“Nicolas is an idiot! Nicolas is a moron!” He shouted in the streets.

He was arrested by the police for defaming the monarch and quickly denied his remarks.

“I meant another Nicolas!”

The police replied, “If you said idiot you were most definitely talking about the Tsar.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex went to the police. She told them

I sexually amused her.

A police officer radioed the station for backup

Officer: Looks like that domestic disturbance is a homicide, old lady murdered her husband for tracking dirt on a floor she just mopped.

Dispatch: have you arrested her?

Officer: Not yet. The floor isn't dry.

A police officer thinks he'll make a little joke

He stops the first car passing by and tells the driver: "Congratulations! You've won 100 000€! What will you do with that money?"

Driver answers: "Well... first thing I'd get me a driving licence."

Driver's wife interrupts from the next seat: "Don't listen to him! He's drunk!"

S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police knocked on the door of a small Appalachian farmhouse.

"Good evening sir. We have received a report that you have been distilling illegal moonshine!"

"Me?! Moonshining?! That is a god damn lie! Never have I been so insulted in my entire life! I've never done anything like that! These are evil rumours that somebody has spread! - And I'll tell you ...

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

The police

Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra.

I had to call the police to report domestic violins.

Police are on the hunt for a South Korean man accused of murdering his wife.

He is the Seoul suspect.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

Why did the coffee file a police report?

He got mugged!!

The Difference Between Heaven And Hell

In Heaven ...

The British are the police
The French are the cooks
The Swiss are the government
The Italians are the lovers
The Germans are the mechanics

In Hell ...

The British are the cooks
The French are the government
The Swiss are the lovers
The It...

Police said they were looking for a racist abuser.

I immediately called the hotline but they told me it wasn't a job advert.

My wife was really scared when I said: Police! Freeze! She kicked me in the face.

Guess I won’t go undercover again.

Police: who’s car is this, where are you going.what do you do

Miner: Mine

What do Rockstars and Police Officers have in common?

"EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!"

The numbers One to Ten are in a police line-up. Which one of them is going to get busted with drugs?

The high five of course.

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unpopular opinion, but I like the police...

...I mean their back catalog of singles is legendary. Cop their critically acclaimed album “Synchronicity”.

If you’re being chased by a police dog,

“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!”

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy: “Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.”

The cowboy ju...

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Senior Sex

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a str...

Knock Knock. Who is it?

"It's the police. "

"What do you want?"

Police : "We just want to talk."

"How many of you are there?"

Police : " Two."

"Talk to each other then."

The police station was broken into last night and all the toilets were stolen....

Officers say they have nothing to go on.

Somebody stole the toilet from the police station.

They're trying to figure out who did it, but they have nothing to go on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker was being pulled over by the police

"Come on follow me to the back of the truck," the policeman said "then I'll show you why I pulled you over"
"There! You see!" The policeman said and pointed.
The trucker just stared in disbelief.
"What's the matter?" The policeman asked. "It's just a broken tail light."
"Fuck the tail li...

Police: Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry 6 people on a single motorcycle

Me: What do you mean 6 people?

Police: Yes, 6 people. Now please get off your vehicle.

Me: OH MY GOD!

Police: Sir?

Me: Jack fell off!

A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend got pulled over by the police today...

My Girlfriend got pulled over today when she was trying to flick her cigarette butt out the window. As she flicked it, it went up the side of her arm and actually lit her arm hair on fire.

Police charged her with possession of an unlicensed firearm.

A cat follows his owner to work at a police station.

He is a copy cat.

A man was shot today at my local gas station by two off duty police officers...

From what I have been told, the off duty officers were standing outside the store, enjoying their morning coffee before getting started for the day, when a man, who was pumping gas got a little bit of fuel on his sleeve, and must of had a lit cigarette because all of a sudden his sleeve caught on fi...

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