What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

Police are like a box of chocolates

They'll kill your dog

Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just don't understand why black people don't like the police

They have tons of great songs and Sting is a great singer

A police officer pulls over a speeding car...

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
<...

I don’t understand all this hate towards the police...

...I mean they’re an amazing band.

What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where all occupants in a car had been killed

As he looked through the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey, let out a deep sigh and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"Wait, You can under...

After a gruesome murder in Greenland the suspect is taken in for questioning by the police.

Inspector: Would you mind telling us where you were on the night from October 11th to March 5th?

People hate the police so much these days...

...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.

"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How are riot police like male porn stars?

They don't have to shoot you in the face, they just want to.

I was caught drunk driving when I saw the stunning police officer.

It was a breath-taking experience.

What is the difference between a lightbulb and a police officer?

A light bulb gets replaced if it is not working

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I d...

Did you hear about the identical twin police officers?

They were copies.

Don't you guys think abolishing The Police is a bit extreme?

At least let them have a farewell tour first.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

Why are synthetic fibres like the police?

They don't let you breathe.

Why do police cars have "to protect and serve" in quotes?

They are being sarcastic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a prison and a police department?

One is full of ruthless, degenerate scum with no respect for the law. The other is full of people they arrested.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a police officer, handcuffed me to the bed, and told me I was under arrest for being good in bed.

Then she shot me seven times in the chest.

How is the NFL like the Police?

Everyone gets heated when someone takes a knee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Minneapolis police cars are a lot like elephants....

...except elephants have their trunks up front and their assholes are in the back.

Did to hear about the theif who was stealing the tires off of police cars?

They're working tirelessly the catch him!

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

A stickman, who robbed a bank, was finally caught after being cornered in an alley. The police told him, “hands in the air!”

The stickman: lol

Someone broke into our local police station and stole all the toilets.

The police are looking for suspects, but for now they have nothing to go on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was stopped by the police for speeding...

A man was stopped by the police for speeding. He told the police, I have a dead body in the trunk. The policeman then proceeds to prepare to take him to the police station when he says, I also have a gram of cocaine in the glove compartment, a bloody knife from a murder under the carpet, and the car...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fastest black people in my city and the local police department decided to compete against each other in a race

The cops beat them.

Police officer pulls over a woman for speeding

He says to her, “ma’am you were going 20 over do you have an explanation?”
The woman replies no and the cop proceeds to write a ticket.
The woman says, “I thought you don’t give pretty girls tickets.”
Cop says, “we don’t, here’s your ticket

Police to woman : how did your husband die?

Woman : poison..
Police : but he has serious wounds all over his body.
Woman : yeah that's because he was refusing to eat the poison..

Why are Unhappy Marriages like the Police

They crush the life out of you.

What’s the difference between a kink and police brutality?

The color of your skin.

What's the difference between a police officer and Han Solo?

>!There's a debate as to whether Han shot first.!<

I applied to join the police but they said I was ineligible

My parents are married

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Knock, knock. Who’s there? The Police!

- But I didn’t call the Police! I called for prostitutes!
- We know; your neighbours called!
- So go fuck my neighbours!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police be like "sir, please step out of the vehicle, we're looking for drugs"

No shit, me too... Let's go!

I recently found out the US Postal Service has a police force.

Or, as they're also known, the PO po-po.

Police Officer: Man, are you high?

Me: Am I what?

Police Officer: High

Me: Hello

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the police officer say to his belly-button?

You’re under a vest.

A police officer turned up at my house the other day and told me my dad was pronounced dead

I couldn’t believe I’d been pronouncing it wrong all this time

Why did the police arrest the dog?

Because he had some unpaid barking tickets

Police won't stop anyone looting GameStop

Why would care about $18.53 in merchandise

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter

It's pretty nuts

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

If found guilty he'll be given a tough sentence.

What kind of servers do police hate?

FTP

People had been letting their dogs do their business in front of the police station.

It started to accumulate at the edge of the sidewalk near the gutter. One morning, the police chief came out of the building and slipped near the curb and fell in the line of dooty.

A man in Florida has been caught on CCTV stealing police car tyres.

Police are reported to be working tirelessly to catch the thief.

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen

Upon leaving the mans apartment, the officer found the mans bag at the bottom of the stairwell

it was a brief case

Credit to : u/CommonSchemeForYou

Where do police go to use the bathroom?

The copy room

I am at the police station, they think that I might be a robot

They keep saying that I got charged with battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate and I were walking along when we noticed a gang of bat carrying youths in our way. He said "Quick! Pretend we're the police."

I sang 'Every breath you take' But we still got the shit kicked out of us.

Police: you're under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia

Man: wait officer, I can explain EVERYTHING

I heard on the news that the police were looking for a runaway octopus

They said he was armed and dangerous

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

There's a quantum observation theory where only police have consciousness

cop didn't see it I didn't do it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer Vs A Bull

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the au...

A Blonde crashed A Helicopter. A Police Officer Asked Her What Happened. She Says,

“It Got Cold So I Turned Off The Fan.”

A group of youths are smoking outside my house. It's a bit intimidating. Perhaps I'll call the police.

Or just move my cardboard box to somewhere else.

A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”

A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”


The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”
The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”
The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you...

ME: Dial 999. Police, please

POLICE: Police

ME: Hi. Two hooded men are robbing my shed.

POLICE: Sorry, we have no resources. There's nothing we can do.

ME: They are standing less than 1 metre apart.

POLICE: Keep them there - we'll be there in 5.

With the new coronavirus outbreak Worldwide, the only people who can get closer than 6 feet to us are the police

So we have to tell them "Don't Stand So Close to Me."

My Cocaine Is So White

Police Let It Go With A Warning

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Old joke about heaven and hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 2+ police officers having sex?

Copulation.

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking. Was scared at that very moment but then immediately got down from the driving seat and sat on the back seat.
After few mins. an officer came and asked me to move my car ahead for alcohol test.

I said:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?

“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”


“No, not a soul, actually.”


“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”

A group of people are going through an introductory course to join the police force.

The first lesson they are being taught is about how to handle various situations in an appropriate, safe, and legal manner.

The instructor presents them with a scenario. They are dealing with an opponent with a weapon that can be used in close range, such as a knife. On the board in the front...

What is a police officer's favourite colour?

Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again).

A German got pulled over by the Police in France.

Police Officer: Name?

German: Heinrich Klimt

Police officer: Age?

German: 32

Police Officer: Occupation?

German: No, no. Just visiting.

The police showed up at my house

They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it from inside (sorry if it’s a repost).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

My wife has been missing for a year and the police said to me last night..

My wife has been missing a year and the police said to me last night, "I think you should expect the worst."

So I've brought all her things back in from the shed.

Did you hear about the bank robbers who managed to evade the police but lost one of their associates from the northern UK?

They got away scot-free

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a magic wand and a police baton?

One is for cunning stunts and the other is for stunning cunts.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

A police department hired me to repair their roof

I was above the law.

Did you hear about the guy who got picked up by the police for carrying a secondary walking stick?

They arrested him for possession of co-cane.

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

I got pulled over by the police...

He came over to the window and said papers...I said SCISSORS! I WIN!!! and drove off...he must be desperate for a rematch as he’s been chasing me for the past couple hours.

The Police has revealed their statistics for the last 48 hours.

Theft: 0 cases

Killings: 0 cases

Prostitution: 0 cases

Family and roommate quarrels: 8720 cases

A police officer knocked on my door around 8 last night to tell me it looks like my wife has been hit by a truck.

I explained that I agree, but she is a great mother, and is super nice.

At our local shop, the police were there to enforce social distancing.

They were singing ‘don’t stand... don’t stand so... don’t stand so close to me’.

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

Heard police caught a guy trying to steal all the head statues at the museum

Apparently he got busted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

A woman calls the police to report a thief who stole her glasses.

The police arrive and ask if she remembers what the perpetrator looked like. Sadly by then it was all a blur to her.

My police department made all their homicide detectives enter a two-week quarantine.

>!They had coroner-virus.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a 100m sprinter

Sprinters rarely beat the black guys

Why did police arrest the guitarist in the park who was surrounded by kids?

He fingered the wrong minor.

Guy driving his Ferrari...

Driving well over 160 kph when a police chase ensues. The policeman chases the guy for close to an hour, weaving in and out of traffic. After a long, and to be honest, a quite exciting chase, the guy in the Ferrari finally pulls over.

The police officer, fresh off an adrenaline rush, approa...

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What animal is the only one with a dick in the middle of its back?

A police horse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nazi secret police really hated puns

I guess you could call them the Jest-stop-o.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks out of a bar..

Outside of the bar are two police officers on duty, one of them walking a police dog. The guy goes around the officers to step behind the dog. He steps further towards them, picks up the dogs tail and looks under it. A few moments later the guy lets go of the tail. He shakes his head and goes back i...

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him...

He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police are suspicious of a man who shits diarrhea all over the town

But they have no solid evidence.

The police were recently investigating a recent sheep theft..

No onces been charged yet, but police hope to have the criminals behind bahhs soon

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

When the police showed me nude pictures of my neighbors, I was shocked

that they found them on my computer.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.