I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Why do riot police get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra p...

Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars

Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the police man say to his belly button?

You're under a vest.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, thats got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

The Police suddenly showed up at my house today and arrested my dog.

Reason? Unpaid barking tickets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

An avocado farmer has all of his crop stolen and calls the police...

Farmer: Someone stole all of my avocados!

Cop: How many avocados?

Farmer: All of them!

Cop: I need an exact number for the report.

Farmer: How am I supposed to know how many avocados there are?

Cop (annoyed): Just tell me the number of avocados.

Farmer: 6.02...

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Someone stole my porch window , I called the police

They said they would look into it

XBox and Playstation are fighthing, but the police are already on their way...

WiiU WiiU WiiU

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn't suffer.

It was instant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

[Dad pun] What did the police officer say to the tired robber?

Looks like you need arrest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a police man was walking down a street when he saw an old woman with two big bags. One bag was broken and $20 bills were falling out of it.

So, the police man stops the old lady and asked her “ hey, How did you get so much money, you didn’t rob a bank did you?” The old lady stopped replied “ No dear, I live next to a Golf course and I was sick of golfers peeing through my fence, so whenever I see a golfer stick his dirty bits through m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

7 years old boy returns bag to police with $12000 inside bag

I hope my kids arent this fucking stupid

A man keeps stealing police car tyres

The police are looking tyrelessly for him

The police finally caught the guy who cut off my arm.

People say he's evil, but I think he just needed a shoulder to cry on.

Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth?

Because *littering* is a crime.

The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.

Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar."

The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?"

The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license...

Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

What is the worst part about having to go to a daycare as a police officer

There is always at least one kid napping and a bunch resisting a rest

I think the police really like my parking skills ...

Because an officer gave me a ticket that said “ Parking Fine”.

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

A group of crows were receiving their PhDs at their college's commencement ceremony when the police showed up.

They all were arrested for third-degree murder.

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what the toughest part about being a gay, black, police officer is?

The discrimination.

Guy sits in a police interrogation room

He says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”



Cop: "But you are the lawyer."



"Exactly, so where’s my present?"

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

A police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"

I said , " scissors, I won" and drove off.

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

A foreign dignitary is being shown around a police station in Belarus, and he decides to as a question...

*Why do your police officers always patrol in teams of three?*, he asks.

*Simple,* his host says.

*There's always one that can read, and one that can write.*

*But what's the third one for?*, the dignitary asks.

*He's there to keep an eye on the tw...

A police officer pulled over Werner Heisenberg.

The officer said “I clocked you going 75.”

Heisenberg replied “Great, now I’m lost!”

A police officer thinks he'll make a little joke

He stops the first car passing by and tells the driver: "Congratulations! You've won 100 000€! What will you do with that money?"

Driver answers: "Well... first thing I'd get me a driving licence."

Driver's wife interrupts from the next seat: "Don't listen to him! He's drunk!"

S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police knocked on the door of a small Appalachian farmhouse.

"Good evening sir. We have received a report that you have been distilling illegal moonshine!"

"Me?! Moonshining?! That is a god damn lie! Never have I been so insulted in my entire life! I've never done anything like that! These are evil rumours that somebody has spread! - And I'll tell you ...

A police officer at my school said “We will never forget nine eleven”

I said well i sure hope not it’s your phone number.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex went to the police. She told them

I sexually amused her.

What do Rockstars and Police Officers have in common?

"EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

A blonde walks into a police station......

......in search for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions first...
Officer: What's 24+45

Blonde: Ummmmm... 69!

Officer: What's the square root of 225?

Blonde: Ummmm... 15!

Officer: Nice! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm......

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper sprayed by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

Police are on the hunt for a South Korean man accused of murdering his wife.

He is the Seoul suspect.

An old man was speeding down the road and a police officer was behind him.

Initially, the old man was going 100 mi/h.

Once he saw the cop started going 110 mi/h, then 120 mi/h, and finally 140 mi/h.

He thought to himself ‘Well I’m an old man what do I have to lose’ and proceeded to pull over

The cop came up to his car and told him ‘I’m about to get of...

Police: who’s car is this, where are you going.what do you do

Miner: Mine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unpopular opinion, but I like the police...

...I mean their back catalog of singles is legendary. Cop their critically acclaimed album “Synchronicity”.

The numbers One to Ten are in a police line-up. Which one of them is going to get busted with drugs?

The high five of course.

Police said they were looking for a racist abuser.

I immediately called the hotline but they told me it wasn't a job advert.

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

A police officer radioed the station for backup

Officer: Looks like that domestic disturbance is a homicide, old lady murdered her husband for tracking dirt on a floor she just mopped.

Dispatch: have you arrested her?

Officer: Not yet. The floor isn't dry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a plumber and the police?

You call one when shit is going down, and you call the other when it isn’t.

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inside the interrogation room at the local police station...

Inside the interrogation room at the local police station:
“So why did you beat your ex-girlfriend nearly to death?” asked the arresting officer.
Suspect replies angrily: “She kept saying I was a massage therapist.”
Arresting officer: “What?? Maybe she was saying you were a misogynist.”
...

Why did the coffee file a police report?

He got mugged!!

The police

Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts

The police station was broken into last night and all the toilets were stolen....

Officers say they have nothing to go on.

My wife was really scared when I said: Police! Freeze! She kicked me in the face.

Guess I won’t go undercover again.

Just had two Police at my front door.

They asked me the questions - ‘Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said - ‘No I’m not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said - ‘Hang on a minute - am I a suspect or something'?
They said - ‘No these are just initial enquiries'.

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

Somebody stole the toilet from the police station.

They're trying to figure out who did it, but they have nothing to go on.

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

A man was shot today at my local gas station by two off duty police officers...

From what I have been told, the off duty officers were standing outside the store, enjoying their morning coffee before getting started for the day, when a man, who was pumping gas got a little bit of fuel on his sleeve, and must of had a lit cigarette because all of a sudden his sleeve caught on fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend got pulled over by the police today...

My Girlfriend got pulled over today when she was trying to flick her cigarette butt out the window. As she flicked it, it went up the side of her arm and actually lit her arm hair on fire.

Police charged her with possession of an unlicensed firearm.

Police: Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry 6 people on a single motorcycle

Me: What do you mean 6 people?

Police: Yes, 6 people. Now please get off your vehicle.

Me: OH MY GOD!

Police: Sir?

Me: Jack fell off!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker was being pulled over by the police

"Come on follow me to the back of the truck," the policeman said "then I'll show you why I pulled you over"
"There! You see!" The policeman said and pointed.
The trucker just stared in disbelief.
"What's the matter?" The policeman asked. "It's just a broken tail light."
"Fuck the tail li...

A cat follows his owner to work at a police station.

He is a copy cat.

What do Hong Kong police like to do after work ...?

Keep on Clubbing ..

A boys called 911 in order to contact the police

Operator: Hello, can you please state your emergency.

Boy: I need help, two girls are fighting over me.

Operator: So what's the problem here?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian, a Jew, and a Polish guy apply to be Police Officers

They all ace the written exam and it's time for the interviews. The Italian has his interview and it goes great, the interviewer says, "Okay, one last question. Who killed Jesus?" The Italian says, "The Jews." Then the Jew has his interview and ends with the same question, "Who killed Jesus?" The Je...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a robbery in a jewelry shop, but when the police arrive, the thief has escaped

One agent says to another:

"If we do not arrest anyone the boss is going to get angry"

The other agent looks around and sees a drunk man sleeping in a corner, and says:

"Well, we take that drunk and we say it was him"

They take him to the police station, where they inter...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

A police officer walks into an interrogation room.

"It's over, buddy," he says smugly, throwing down a stack of papers. "We've got you on a double homicide."

"Double?! What are you talking about?" the perp across from him stutters.

"Don't even try to act innocent. We've got video proof. You gunned down two women! Cher and Johnny Depp'...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Last week all the toilets were stolen from the local police station in my town...

The sheriff just recently released an update; unfortunately they still have nothing to go on.

Police dogs will be made to have another police dog as a partner starting from next month

The academy is already teaching them how to do a good boy/bad boy routine.

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

What do you call it when police officers stop a uhaul truck?

Busting a move

Police related jokes aren’t funny

So give it arrest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets stopped by a police officer for doing 31 in a 30 zone

The police man asks what the man's job is.

The man says 'I'm an asshole stretcher'

The police man asks 'and what do you do in that?'

The man replies in detail 'we get the customers ass and slowly enlarge it by first sticking our fingers in, then our whole fist, slowly increasin...

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver.

"Can I see your license please?"

"What does that look like?" says the blonde driver.

"It's small, rectangular in shape, and has your picture on it." replies the blonde officer.

The blonde driver looks through her purse for a while and pulls out a small rectangular mirror.
...

My little brother likes sirens so we took him to the police station to see some.

They tied him to a mast and set him asail the Aegean Sea.

Apparently the police want to interview me.

I don't recall applying for a job

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the ma...

How many police officers does take to break an egg?



None. It fell down the stairs

...police found man dead!

...his head was covered with nuts, sprinkles & chocolate sauce.

**police:** ...*he was an ice cream man, we have reason to believe he may have topped himself*!

If Nintendo had a police force what would their anthem be ?

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

Police are searching for a robber who's stealing blunt pencils.

Quite frankly, they cant see the point

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

An old man driving along sees a police vehicle behind him.

He puts the foot down and takes off! Sure enough, the police vehicle lights are activated and the police give chase.

After a while the man thinks “I’m too old for this, what am I doing?” And sensibly pulls over to the side of the road. The police pull in behind him.

A policeman appro...

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth,...

Last week, I witnessed a police officer put handcuffs on a criminal who was suffering from a heart failure.

Now that's what I call a Cardiac arrest.

Italian Police are told to give tickets to anyone, no matter how important

One morning, the Pope comes out of the Vatican and decides he wants to go for a drive. The Pope calls for a limousine, but when it arrives he tells the driver to get in the back, he’s going for a ride.

As he blasts down the road in his limousine he speeds past two motorcycle officers. One of ...

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