drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform,

I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you.

The man replies,"Boobs!”

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

Police officer: Whose car is this? Where are you going? What do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine.

French police aren't sure how the Notre Dame fire started...

But they have a hunch.

The police just pulled me over

He came to my window and said “Papers?” I said, “ scissors, I win” and drove off. I think he wants a rematch because he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

The best police in the world: FBI, Scotland Yard or Brazilian Police

FBI, Scotland Yard and the brazilian police were in a competition to determine the best police in the world. A international jury released a rabbit in a dark forest.

The FBI started the search using high-tech localization techniques, satellite maps, nightvision goggles and a DNA tracer. The a...

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife.

The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.”

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your w...

When I asked the police how the hackers got away, they responded...

"I don't know, they ransomware."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a police officer on the news and he said "we will never forget about 911"

I thought, you better not, it's your fucking phone number.

The police don’t know who started the fire at Notre Dame,

But Quasimodo has a hunch.

Alternate punchline: but they’ve got a hunch back at the station.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English police officer, a Canadian police officer, and an American police officer see a black man walking with a machete...

The English police officer thinks to himself: "hmm, could this man be carrying a machete as a religious or cultural tradition, would it be acceptable to apprehend him or would I be considered racist, maybe..." *stab*

The Canadian officer yells to the man: "Sir, drop the weapon" no response "S...

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.


“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.


“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”


“My wife.”

Two police officers crash their car into a tree

. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for spee...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

They said he'll be given a tough sentence.

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

A police officer is chasing a hacker

He loses track of him in the streets and asks a passerby:

-Where is he,where is the hacker!?

-I don't know,he ransomware.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.

Until the police came and removed me from the library.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What animal has an asshole on it's back?

A police horse.

A wife goes to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband is missing.

The policeman asks for a description. She says, “He’s thirty-five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

​

The next-door neighbor protests, “Your husband is five foot four, ...

A crazy guy went inside a police station

A crazy guy went inside a police station and stole all the K-9 units' leashes. Police says they have no leads

Police: Why are you so drunk?

Man : Due to the situation
Police : What situation?
Man : The cap of the bottle was lost

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

Why do riot police like to go to work early?

To beat the crowd

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many police officers did it take to push the black man down the stairs?

Zero. He fell.

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

What did the police officer say when he busted the sadomasochists?

Everybody, hands up or no one gets hurt!

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.



‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’



The driver finally f...

Why does police hit percentage start to drop in the later time of the day?

Because they can't see the black guy

A soldier was hit by mustard gas in war, and then pepper spray by a police officer.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

What’s the difference between a police car and a hedgehog?

On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What can the police use to shock black people?

Kindness

A serial killer known for making paper out of the skin of his enemies' heads and feet has been apprehended by police.

He was caught putting foe toes on a face book.

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

At a police-station there is a poster saying wanted

A blonde walks by, sees it, walks into the police station, and asks: is that job still available?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.

The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove...

A man was shot dead today by police after attempting to steal a comedians notebook.

Some people just can’t take jokes!

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

I was very surprised when the police knocked on my door and wanted to interview me

Especially as I never applied.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all running from these police officers.

They find a shack that has 3 potato sacks in it and decide to hide there in the sacks. The police officers find the shack and see the sacks.

They kick the first one with the brunette in it. She says "Meow, meow!". So they think it's a cat in there.

They move on and kick the second one ...

I was extremely tired and walked into a police officer the other day.

Ended up being guilty of resisting a rest.

A police officer candidate goes for an interview...

The officer says, "Take this pistol and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before...

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

A Nigerian man died alone in his house, the police found 2 billion in cash there

He tried to gave his money away before he died but nobody answered his emails

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

So the police arrested this old battery...

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.




They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

A Brunette, Red head and a Blonde are on a quick getaway from the police.

The Brunette turns to the other two. "Look!" she says, pointing to an old beat up barn over the hill, "let's go hide in there!". So they pull off down the dirt road and park in front of this barn and run inside. As they walk in, they notice a big stack of large burlap sacks. The Red Head gets the br...

A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ...

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

I was interviewed by the police yesterday.

I just said "No comment" to all their questions. They said they'd let me know but somehow I don't think I am going to get the job.

What do you call a broken police officer?

Defective

Dad, why haven’t you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen?

Shut up boy!

That thief spends way less than your mother

What did the criminal chemist say as he was escaping from a police officer?

Cu later Copper!

A police officer caught a man in possession of drugs.

The man, named Steve, claimed to be innocent.

Steve: "I have never bought cocaine in my life, they just appear in my pockets at random."

The police officer is suspicious and tells Steve to prove it.

Steve leads the officer to a public bathroom and then proceeds to flush the crac...

How many Police does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. Did you think Sting actually changes lightbulbs?

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

The police came to my house after getting complaints about my dogs chasing people on bikes.

I told them that’s ridiculous. My dogs can’t ride bikes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.

"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted.

I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."

The police are having a math class

On the board it is written 5-7+2=0.

The policemen are very confused so the teacher says "Look, it is very simple. Let me give you an example".

Let's say that there is a bus with 5 people in it. On the next stop 7 people get off the bus. How many people need to get in the bus so the bus...

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by police...

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by a policeman.

The policeman walks over to the truck, where he can see, to his surprise, there are 50 ducks.

He asks the man why he was speeding. The man replies, "I've got so many ducks, and I don't know what ...

An Irish bride is interviewed by police after a fight broke out at her wedding reception.

*“Well officer, it’s customary for the bride to dance with the best man before the bride and groom leave for their honeymoon. I was dancing with the best man Paddy when all of a sudden me husband Seamus came running on the dance floor and kicked me as hard as he could smack bang between my legs.”*...

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] Two police officers are talking about what they think was the most expensive crime/robbery in history.

The first officer talks for a few minutes about a bank robber who stole millions of dollars, and had over 50 heists, which he did single handedly, and has still never been caught to this day.

The second officer however, has a much more interesting tale.

“His name was Jack “Richy” Brigg...

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

Police are reporting that they have just located a truck of stollen goods

Though they are not hopeful that anyone will come forward to claim the German fruitcake.

Why did the foot call the police?

Because the hand was under a wrist.

An origami artist wanted for murder, has been sending tantalizing clues to police.

The investigation is unfolding.

How do American police stop shooters

They donut

What do people call polices in the Virgin Island?

Protectors of Virginity

A Police Officer is patrolling the streets of his town.

Suddenly he sees something weird, a car that is approaching has a dog behind the steering wheel while on the passenger's seat sits a man.

So of course he signals the car to pull out to the sidewalk.

Man in passenger's seat has a window already rolled down so the Police Officer starts t...

So there was a police officer and his police dog...

The officer called the dog Joke, as it made him laugh always. Regardless, he loved the dog. However, one day the dog was demoted and reassigned to another Buddhist officer who wanted a dog to help him abstain from material things. The first officer was, of course upset. One of his friends he worked ...

I got a call from the local police station this morning, they said they want to interview me...

i don't remember applying for a job there

Did you hear about the serial killer that got killed in a standoff with the police in an ice cream shop?

He got what he dessert.

What's a police officer's favorite gaming console?

Wii U Wii U Wii U

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Police Officer: "Why did you run that red light back there!!?

Me: "Are you a Cain Velasquez fan?"

Officer: (looks surprised) Yeah, big fan".

Me: "My damn knee buckled when I tried to hit the brake."

Officer: (Puts his head down) You can go

An old lady phoned the police about her neighbour stripping off in his bedroom with light on and curtains open, the police came round and checked, they said but mam there is a tree blocking the view you cannot see his bedroom window, she replied.

You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

(Found this one in an old joke book) What did the police officer say to the firefly?

Who glows there?

Once, three fugitives were on the run from the police.

Walking down a street together one day, a police recognised them and ask for their names. The first looked around, and said, “Calvin, Calvin Klein.”
The second one, catching on, looked around for other brands and said, “Marc, Marc Jacobs.”
The third one, looked around and said, “Ken.” The pol...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The world's loudest masturbator has just been apprehended by police...

and he won't cum quietly.

A police officer said to a motorist, "What were you doing? Your car was zigzagging like crazy!"

"I'm learning to drive."

"Without an instructor in the car?"

"Oh, yes. It's an online course."

The police are investigating the recent shootout at a fancy downtown restaurant.

There are no reports of casual tees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling...

A hole was discovered in the fence surrounding the local nudist colony

Police are looking into it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

Police arrested two kids yesterday

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

My girlfriend is the star of the local police department’s bomb squad.

When asked what is her secret to such skilled techniques, she responded:

“Plenty of practice every night with a short fuse and explosions that go off early.”

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.


“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.


“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.


So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.


A guy driving by sees this and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple

He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband replies "he wants my license!"
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells "what?!...

Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

Police officer: Sir, I’m going to need to see your driver’s license.

Driver: You guys got a lot of nerve.

Police officer: Excuse me?

Driver: One day you take my license away and the next day you ask me to show it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't ever underestimate a Scottish police officer?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Sco...

This is the Alaska State Police.

Where were you during the night of November 14th to February 12th?

A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”

“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.

Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.

He notices that the woman’...

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.