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The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Me: That's right. But co...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

Just had two Police at my front door.

They asked me the questions - ‘Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said - ‘No I’m not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said - ‘Hang on a minute - am I a suspect or something'?
They said - ‘No these are just initial enquiries'.

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

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Fuck the Police

An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vinc...

A man is called down to the police station for questioning.

“I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present,” he says.

“You _are_ the lawyer,” the cop replies.

“Yeah, so where’s my present?”

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

An old man driving along sees a police vehicle behind him.

He puts the foot down and takes off! Sure enough, the police vehicle lights are activated and the police give chase.

After a while the man thinks “I’m too old for this, what am I doing?” And sensibly pulls over to the side of the road. The police pull in behind him.

A policeman appro...

A woman runs into a police office

She’s says “help!,help!” The policeman says what’s wrong, she says “I’ve been graped “ the policeman says “don’t you mean raped” she says “no there was a bunch of them”. This was Ricky Gervais joke

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

Police are searching for a robber who's stealing blunt pencils.

Quite frankly, they cant see the point

Police officer: So where did the hacker go?

Me : I don't know he just ransomware

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The police are on the lookout for a guy who's going to arts and craft stores and dipping his testicles in the glitter...

...pretty nuts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

Police related jokes aren’t funny

So give it arrest

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by police.

He’s now a seasoned veteran

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

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A police officer is riding a horse

He comes upon a little girl riding her bike.

He stops her and asks, "Hey little girl, did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?"

The little girl responds, "Well, as a matter of fact, he did."

The officer responds while handing the little girl a $5 ticket, "Next year, maybe y...

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

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I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

The police pulled up right next to me and my Yamaha on the shoulder of the highway today…

Apparently, it’s not the best place to play a keyboard…

What's a police officers favorite kind of coffee? (OC)

Black with extra shots.

A guy applies for a job with his local police dept.

Instructor - "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, only one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six minorities and a rabbit."

Guy - "Why the rabbit?"

Instructor - "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

A police officer sees a man searching for something under a streetlight

The officer asks him, "What are you looking for?"

The man says, "My car keys. I lost them in that alley over there."

"Then why aren't you searching in that alley?"

"Because, officer, the light's much better over here."

The Police is to a country what the heart is to a body.

It keeps beating and beating and beating.

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform,

I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you.

The man replies,"Boobs!”

On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood bar, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.



After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of ot...

Police arrested two men yesterday.

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

I once saw a thief get arrested after they tripped during a police chase.

I hear they were charged with fell on knee.

After a burglary a store owner calls the police

After a burglary a store owner calls the police. After they arrive one officer takes the owner aside to ask about what happened:

"How tall was the perp'", the officer asked.
"He was about six foot", the owner replied.

"Did he have any distinguishing characteristics?"
"Well, he di...

The police told our bartender he had to stop serving babies.

"Why, just because they're underage?"

"No, because they don't fit in the glass."

Police officer: "Turn around."

Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' round."

Police officer: "**Turn around!**"

Me: "*Every now an-*"

\*gets tased\*

So police are investigating a korean man on suspicion of murdering his wife..

He is the seoul suspect of the case.

Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.

The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”

“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
...

A guy was arrested and charged by the police for killing a number of vampires.

Yeah, they've got him on three counts.

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife.

The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.”

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your w...

Police were chasing two robbers

...who ran into a pharmacy jumped on to a scale and got a weigh.

The police found a gun in my car...

I'm really worried. That means 3 others are missing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."

"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotc...

The police raided my house and found dynamite, wire and a detonator with a plunger

Eyes welling with tears, I begged, “PLEASE don’t press charges!”

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

A police officer knocks on a doors

(Door opens)
Police officer: Hi there, there’s been a major incident and I’m asking around looking for leads...
Man: Leeds?! Nah mate you’re miles off, follow the M1 all the way up!

Why were the police so sure it was the morgue handing out bodies every night?

It was literally a dead giveaway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

Police officer: Whose car is this? Where are you going? What do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

"This is the police! Open up!"

"We didn't call the police, we called for hookers!"

"Your neighbors called us!"

"If they called you, then let them f*** you!"

The police want to interview me.

Funny, I don't remember sending them my resume.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police officer questioning a man. So when was it you noticed that your wife was dead?

Man replied, sex was the same but the dishes started piling up..

How’s life as a police dog?

Ruff.

Why was 7 brought to the police station for the murder of 9?

He was their prime suspect

What do they call the riot police in Germany?

The kraut control

French police aren't sure how the Notre Dame fire started...

But they have a hunch.

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything i...

Two police officers crash their car into a tree

. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

The best police in the world: FBI, Scotland Yard or Brazilian Police

FBI, Scotland Yard and the brazilian police were in a competition to determine the best police in the world. A international jury released a rabbit in a dark forest.

The FBI started the search using high-tech localization techniques, satellite maps, nightvision goggles and a DNA tracer. The a...

When I asked the police how the hackers got away, they responded...

"I don't know, they ransomware."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.

Until the police came and removed me from the library.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a police officer on the news and he said "we will never forget about 911"

I thought, you better not, it's your fucking phone number.

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

A police officer is patrolling a 60mph highway when he sees a car driving 20mph.

He pulls the car over and walks up to the window to find a car with 4 old ladies.

The officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The lady in the driver's seat says "What's the matter officer? I was going exactly 25 miles an hour."

"Well it's a 60 mile an hour highway...

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The FCC arrives at a homocide scene and says to the police:

"We're in charge now. This crime is under the jurisdiction of the FCC."

The police respectfully hand the investigation over the FCC. A nearby onlooker asks what happened, to which a man replies:

"Video... it killed the radio star."

I'm ashamed of myself for this joke.

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English police officer, a Canadian police officer, and an American police officer see a black man walking with a machete...

The English police officer thinks to himself: "hmm, could this man be carrying a machete as a religious or cultural tradition, would it be acceptable to apprehend him or would I be considered racist, maybe..." *stab*

The Canadian officer yells to the man: "Sir, drop the weapon" no response "S...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” She finally asked. The police women replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror...

Why are police present at a circumcision?

To keep the piece.

The police don’t know who started the fire at Notre Dame,

But Quasimodo has a hunch.

Alternate punchline: but they’ve got a hunch back at the station.

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.


“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.


“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”


“My wife.”

As soon as all the wheels are replaced, my local police department is getting rid of a bunch of old squad cars they aren't using.

They're being retired

Why do riot police like to go to work early?

To beat the crowd

A police officer is chasing a hacker

He loses track of him in the streets and asks a passerby:

-Where is he,where is the hacker!?

-I don't know,he ransomware.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.

The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove...

A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for spee...

My friends and I got pulled over by the police...

The cop asked: "Drugs,alcohol?"

I said:"Nah mate, we got both"

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

They said he'll be given a tough sentence.

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

Police station robbed.

All the toilets are missing, cops have nothing to go on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What animal has an asshole on it's back?

A police horse.

A crazy guy went inside a police station

A crazy guy went inside a police station and stole all the K-9 units' leashes. Police says they have no leads

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

A police call with a blonde

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had stripped apart her car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many police officers did it take to push the black man down the stairs?

Zero. He fell.

A wife goes to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband is missing.

The policeman asks for a description. She says, “He’s thirty-five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

​

The next-door neighbor protests, “Your husband is five foot four, ...

The police had a lineup of 10 suspects.

They would walk to one of them, and tell them to say a line, in hopes that something would prove that they were lying. Then, they would continue to the next suspect and repeat.

When they got to the guilty suspect, they told him to say: “I did not go on a mass crime spree and kill 300 innocent...

Police: Why are you so drunk?

Man : Due to the situation
Police : What situation?
Man : The cap of the bottle was lost

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

Why does police hit percentage start to drop in the later time of the day?

Because they can't see the black guy

What’s the difference between a police car and a hedgehog?

On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all running from these police officers.

They find a shack that has 3 potato sacks in it and decide to hide there in the sacks. The police officers find the shack and see the sacks.

They kick the first one with the brunette in it. She says "Meow, meow!". So they think it's a cat in there.

They move on and kick the second one ...

I was extremely tired and walked into a police officer the other day.

Ended up being guilty of resisting a rest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.

"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted.

I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ...

A Nigerian man died alone in his house, the police found 2 billion in cash there

He tried to gave his money away before he died but nobody answered his emails

A man was shot dead today by police after attempting to steal a comedians notebook.

Some people just can’t take jokes!

What did the police officer say when he busted the sadomasochists?

Everybody, hands up or no one gets hurt!

At a police-station there is a poster saying wanted

A blonde walks by, sees it, walks into the police station, and asks: is that job still available?

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

I was very surprised when the police knocked on my door and wanted to interview me

Especially as I never applied.

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

What's a police officer's favorite gaming console?

Wii U Wii U Wii U

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

A police officer candidate goes for an interview...

The officer says, "Take this pistol and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before...

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

So the police arrested this old battery...

They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.




They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

A Brunette, Red head and a Blonde are on a quick getaway from the police.

The Brunette turns to the other two. "Look!" she says, pointing to an old beat up barn over the hill, "let's go hide in there!". So they pull off down the dirt road and park in front of this barn and run inside. As they walk in, they notice a big stack of large burlap sacks. The Red Head gets the br...

What do you call a broken police officer?

Defective

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by police...

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by a policeman.

The policeman walks over to the truck, where he can see, to his surprise, there are 50 ducks.

He asks the man why he was speeding. The man replies, "I've got so many ducks, and I don't know what ...

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