UPJOKE
wounddamagebruiseconcussionlossfracturetraumaharmaccidentbreakhamstringpainillnessailmenthurt

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A Golfing Injury

A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have ...

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minuets in there was a wrist injury

Don't worry though I'm alright now

Who's got two thumbs and a knife injury?

Not this guy. It's more like 1.9 thumbs now.

Why did the doctor say 'aww' to my injury?

Because it was acute trauma

workplace injury

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day at work!" the guy sighs. "I fell off a 20-foot ladder." "You're kidding!" the bartender exclaims. "Are you okay? Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" "Oh no, I'm fine," the guy says. "I was just on the first step."

A marine in Afghanistan receives a letter

In the letter his girlfriend explained that she had slept with his best friend while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any self respecting M...

My Proctologist has a back injury...

But he came to work to give me my exam anyway. Great guy. He sounds like he's in pain. I said, "Take it easy doc, you don't want to hurt yourself." He said, "I'm fine, just let me put my hands on your shoulders."

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess yo...

I am proud to say I give all the ladies repetitive strain injury.

Unfortunately it’s from swiping left on my tinder profile.

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

My friend wanted to hit the treadmill while recovering from an injury.

I told him “tread lightly”.

A guy punches a kid in the face.

This resulted in a "minor" injury.

What's the difference between Prosecco and a fake injury?

One's sham-pain and the other's a sparkling Italian white wine

The easiest time to add insult to injury

Is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

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When explaining a groin injury to your doctor...

It’s important to be clear whether it’s your scrotum or penis that is affected...

There’s a vas deferens between them.

What is a personal injury attorney's favorite seasonal greeting?

Happy Fall

What is the worst kind of 'minor' injury?

Throwing a kid into a woodchipper.

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

What do you call a head injury at a drummer's convention in Moscow, Russia?

A concussion at the Russian percussion discussion.

It is mean to make fun of Trump for using both hands to drink coz of his injury

He touched The Bible a few weeks ago and the injury hasn't healed yet.

Did you hear about the pencil that got an injury in jail?

It broke mid-sentence.

What did the musician get after hurting himself?

A-minor injury

Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury

I need to buy a smaller sundial.

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A football team loses its star player Dante Dicks due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without Dicks."

Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.

The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks out."

Just Been Watching The Ladies Beach Volley Ball And There Has Already Been A Bad Wrist Injury,

I Should Be Okay By The Morning Though.

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Worst Injury Imaginable

A South American guy gets into a terrible accident. When he comes to in the hospital, he looks down and sees a bloody rag covering his groin, and notices he can't feel his penis.

A doctor walks into his hospital room and the guy looks at him, and says, through tears "Give it to me straight, D...

Football gave me traumatic brain injury

And I was only watching.

What do you call an injury you get at yoga class?

Yoghurt.

My brother-in-law is missing half of his hand due to a horrific logging injury,

so I asked him do you get half off when you get your palm read?

My first time watching the women's Olympic vollyball last night, one minute in there was already a wrist injury.

I'm better today though, no worries.

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A single injury is a tragedy....

...a million injuries is just a sadistic.

I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the latest "The Land Before Time" movie, but my insurance refused to cover it

I asked them why but the rep. just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."

Use your goddamn head!

Mike visited his friend Bob in the hospital after Bob had suffered from an severe head injury,

What happened Bob? How did you got your head injured like this, asks mike.

I was trying break a rock with my slippers when a man saw me and told me that this wouldn't work and that I should u...

Big Injury Update

Aaron Hernandez (Neck)

Out Indefinitely

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

I sustained a serious neck injury a few years ago...

...and I've never looked back.

Women Are Magic

The can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard!

I pulled a muscle digging for gold.

It was just a miner injury.

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

an old arabic joke my uncle told me

a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospital

the doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"

he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.

Why did the worker at the coal mine come to work immediately after he got injured ?

because it was a miner injury

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