The 45+ Best Injury Jokes

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minuets in there was a wrist injury

Don't worry though I'm alright now

Childhood injury

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I’d always heard adults talk about i...

An overconfident MMA fighter entered the cage without proper warmup and had not trained for months. Subsequently he incurred a severe injury for which the doctor advised to not enter the ring ever again. Thus it is appropriately said...

A grapple a day keeps the doctor away

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A Golfing Injury

A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have ...

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess yo...

Why did the doctor say 'aww' to my injury?

Because it was acute trauma

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

Who's got two thumbs and a knife injury?

Not this guy. It's more like 1.9 thumbs now.

My Proctologist has a back injury...

But he came to work to give me my exam anyway. Great guy. He sounds like he's in pain. I said, "Take it easy doc, you don't want to hurt yourself." He said, "I'm fine, just let me put my hands on your shoulders."

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said ...

workplace injury

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day at work!" the guy sighs. "I fell off a 20-foot ladder." "You're kidding!" the bartender exclaims. "Are you okay? Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" "Oh no, I'm fine," the guy says. "I was just on the first step."

I am proud to say I give all the ladies repetitive strain injury.

Unfortunately it’s from swiping left on my tinder profile.

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

The Jewish personal injury lawyer ...

... tells his clients he's there for them 24/6

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

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When explaining a groin injury to your doctor...

It’s important to be clear whether it’s your scrotum or penis that is affected...

There’s a vas deferens between them.

My friend wanted to hit the treadmill while recovering from an injury.

I told him “tread lightly”.

What's the difference between Prosecco and a fake injury?

One's sham-pain and the other's a sparkling Italian white wine

What is a personal injury attorney's favorite seasonal greeting?

Happy Fall

What is the worst kind of 'minor' injury?

Throwing a kid into a woodchipper.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is

when you’re signing someone’s cast.

It is mean to make fun of Trump for using both hands to drink coz of his injury

He touched The Bible a few weeks ago and the injury hasn't healed yet.

Did you hear about the pencil that got an injury in jail?

It broke mid-sentence.

Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury

I need to buy a smaller sundial.

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A football team loses its star player Dante Dicks due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without Dicks."

Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.

The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks out."

Just Been Watching The Ladies Beach Volley Ball And There Has Already Been A Bad Wrist Injury,

I Should Be Okay By The Morning Though.

What do you call an injury you get at yoga class?

Yoghurt.

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Worst Injury Imaginable

A South American guy gets into a terrible accident. When he comes to in the hospital, he looks down and sees a bloody rag covering his groin, and notices he can't feel his penis.

A doctor walks into his hospital room and the guy looks at him, and says, through tears "Give it to me straight, D...

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A single injury is a tragedy....

...a million injuries is just a sadistic.

Football gave me traumatic brain injury

And I was only watching.

My brother-in-law is missing half of his hand due to a horrific logging injury,

so I asked him do you get half off when you get your palm read?

I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the latest "The Land Before Time" movie, but my insurance refused to cover it

I asked them why but the rep. just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."

I sustained a serious neck injury a few years ago...

...and I've never looked back.

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

My first time watching the women's Olympic vollyball last night, one minute in there was already a wrist injury.

I'm better today though, no worries.

Big Injury Update

Aaron Hernandez (Neck)

Out Indefinitely

Minnesota Vikings lost their QB to a season ending knee injury.

But that's just Water under the Bridge now.

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

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A guy goes to heaven after a troublesome life…

After living a troublesome life of failed businesses, failed marriages, sickness, and injury, a hard-working and God-fearing fellow dies and reaches the Gates of Heaven. Upon arrival he demands to immediately speak with God to learn why his life was so rough. St. Peter looked at his log of the man’s...

I pulled a muscle digging for gold.

It was just a miner injury.

A guy punches a kid in the face.

This resulted in a "minor" injury.

What did the musician get after hurting himself?

A-minor injury

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