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Injury Jokes

I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minuets in there was a wrist injury

Don't worry though I'm alright now

Childhood injury

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I’d always heard adults talk about i...

How do you celebrate winning a lawsuit over a fake injury?

You drink sham-pain.

Did you hear about the pencil that got an injury in jail?

It broke mid-sentence.

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A Golfing Injury

A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have ...

Football gave me traumatic brain injury

And I was only watching.

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Why did the doctor say 'aww' to my injury?

Because it was acute trauma

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

I recently received quite a nasty ear injury in a food fight at a cake shop.

So you'll have to forgive me since I'm a trifle deaf.

Who's got two thumbs and a knife injury?

Not this guy. It's more like 1.9 thumbs now.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

workplace injury

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day at work!" the guy sighs. "I fell off a 20-foot ladder." "You're kidding!" the bartender exclaims. "Are you okay? Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" "Oh no, I'm fine," the guy says. "I was just on the first step."

My Proctologist has a back injury...

But he came to work to give me my exam anyway. Great guy. He sounds like he's in pain. I said, "Take it easy doc, you don't want to hurt yourself." He said, "I'm fine, just let me put my hands on your shoulders."

Did you hear about the drummer who got a cymbal stuck in his rear?

Doc says it was a freak injury. I mean, what are the odds? Must be a Zildjian in one!

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When explaining a groin injury to your doctor...

It’s important to be clear whether it’s your scrotum or penis that is affected...

There’s a vas deferens between them.

The easiest time to add insult to injury

Is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

What's the difference between Prosecco and a fake injury?

One's sham-pain and the other's a sparkling Italian white wine

What is the worst kind of 'minor' injury?

Throwing a kid into a woodchipper.

My friend wanted to hit the treadmill while recovering from an injury.

I told him “tread lightly”.

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Worst Injury Imaginable

A South American guy gets into a terrible accident. When he comes to in the hospital, he looks down and sees a bloody rag covering his groin, and notices he can't feel his penis.

A doctor walks into his hospital room and the guy looks at him, and says, through tears "Give it to me straight, D...

What is a personal injury attorney's favorite seasonal greeting?

Happy Fall

Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury

I need to buy a smaller sundial.

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A single injury is a tragedy....

...a million injuries is just a sadistic.

A blonde recently suffered a minor injury while using her vibrator...

...chipped two teeth.

Big Injury Update

Aaron Hernandez (Neck)

Out Indefinitely

An overconfident MMA fighter entered the cage without proper warmup and had not trained for months. Subsequently he incurred a severe injury for which the doctor advised to not enter the ring ever again. Thus it is appropriately said...

A grapple a day keeps the doctor away

What do you call a ghost's injury?

A boo-boo

What do you call an injury you get at yoga class?

Yoghurt.

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A football team loses its star player Dante Dicks due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without Dicks."

Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.

The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks out."

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess yo...

I’ve reached the age where I can’t tell..

whether I have sustained an injury, or that’s just the way I am now.

I sustained a serious neck injury a few years ago...

...and I've never looked back.

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

It is mean to make fun of Trump for using both hands to drink coz of his injury

He touched The Bible a few weeks ago and the injury hasn't healed yet.

Just Been Watching The Ladies Beach Volley Ball And There Has Already Been A Bad Wrist Injury,

I Should Be Okay By The Morning Though.

Minnesota Vikings lost their QB to a season ending knee injury.

But that's just Water under the Bridge now.

My brother-in-law is missing half of his hand due to a horrific logging injury,

so I asked him do you get half off when you get your palm read?

My first time watching the women's Olympic vollyball last night, one minute in there was already a wrist injury.

I'm better today though, no worries.

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

I pulled a muscle digging for gold.

It was just a miner injury.

I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the latest "The Land Before Time" movie, but my insurance refused to cover it

I asked them why but the rep. just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

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A guy goes to heaven after a troublesome life…

After living a troublesome life of failed businesses, failed marriages, sickness, and injury, a hard-working and God-fearing fellow dies and reaches the Gates of Heaven. Upon arrival he demands to immediately speak with God to learn why his life was so rough. St. Peter looked at his log of the man’s...

A guy punches a kid in the face.

This resulted in a "minor" injury.

What did the musician get after hurting himself?

A-minor injury

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench.

Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk.

The first doctor says “Poor guy, looks like he suffered a devastating back injury. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight.”

The second doctor says “I disagree. I think it’s a hip injury, look ...

Women Are Magic

The can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard!

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In school, the teacher warns her students...

..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."

The class's wise-guy says:

"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from ...

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