I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by.

“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.

"Mary, you take the offices in the Center.

"Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.

"To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown."

The nurse was really impressed. She said, "Your husband must hav...

I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.



The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have
a Bloody Mary!"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me
a rum and coke!"

The anti-vaxver says, No shots for me.:"

She then collapses and d...

Nurse: "Doctor, doctor, the hypochondriac in room 110 has died 10 minutes ago!"

Doctor: "I think he's really overplaying it this time."

How do you identify the head nurse apart from all the other nurses?

From the dirt on her knees

A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.

Noticing he has a hardon, the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feelin...

After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said, “Suture self.”

Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood



P.s my mom told me this

Three doctors hire a nurse

Three doctors with a growing private practice decided they needed to hire a new nurse onto their staff to meet their needs. They hired a very qualified applicant named Sue, and met after a week to discuss the new nurse's abilities in her new role.

"She does a really good job with the patients...

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a nurse during sex

To satisfy my fetish of having a health insurance.

My wife suggested that we spice things up a bit by playing Doctors and Nurses,

so I put her on a trolley in the hall and ignored her for 48 hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse reaches into her pocket

and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, great. Some asshole's got my pen"

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.

The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways.

All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought ...

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An Old Woman In a Nursing Home Finds A Nurse Having Sex With Her Boyfriend In Her Room

Like some real, wild, kinky stuff. The young woman’s legs were behind her head as her boyfriend went to town.

Caught in the act, the two stop, and the nurse begs the old woman not to tell. “Please! You know they’ll fire me!”

The old woman stops and thinks. She and her husband haven’t h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

A nurse asked me recently, “Are you always this pale?”

I told him, “Only on caucasian.”

The nurse taking my blood got annoyed when I told them they were bad at their job,

I don’t understand why though, after all they did keep saying: ‘be negative’

What did the nurse say to the patient who swallowed Scrabble tiles?

Don't worry, you'll have a vowel movement soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over 20 years I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," said Bob who then proceeded to drop his pants, revealing the smallest penis the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
...

I asked my sister in law (she's a nurse) why she always carries a red pen with her.

She tells me...
Oh it's in case I have to draw blood.

A man visits his 97 year old great aunt at the nursing home.

It’s been several months since his last visit and she was starting to show signs of senility, so when he sees her, he goes up to her and asks “Do you know who I am?”
She looks at him and replies “No, but if you ask the nurse, she’ll tell you.”

Did you hear about the maternal nurse who ran off with a doctor?

It was a midwife crisis.

A man is lying on his death bed and asks the nurse for a priest. "Do you want to confess?" the nurse asks.

"No ," replies the man, "I want to molest a minor and need the advice of an expert."

A doctor, a nurse, and a mom walk into a bar

The doctor sat down and ordered a shot of whiskey.

The nurse sat down and ordered a shot of tequila.

The mom sat down and said “I’m sorry I don’t do shots.” Then falls over dead from polio.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

Nurse comes in and tells the doctor “there is a man in the waiting room that says he is invisible. What should I tell him?”

Doctor replies, “tell him I can’t see him today. “

A nurse was walking through a maternity ward, checking on the new arrivals and their mothers..

She walked into the first room where a woman had hold of her precious newborn child with the face of an angel. She asked the mother what the name was, to which the mother replied,

"I called her Rose because when i was going into labour, a rose petal drifted in through the window and landed on...

I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An entry level nurse walks into a patient's room...

She smiles at him, and says shes just there to give him a sponge bath.

Through his oxygen mask , he asks; "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse is taken aback, and explains again shes just there to bathe him.

He asks again, more firm, "nurse, are my testicles black?!"

"I dont...

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room....

The nurse brought me my newborn baby and said, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it."

I immediately handed it back and told her to bring me the one my wife made.

What do you call the Imodium the head nurse at Hogwarts gives you?

Defense Against the Dark Farts

Me: "When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. "

Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "

A Hot Thai Nurse

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service in the UK, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.


As usual he was asked to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychotic mechanic had sex with a nurse then escaped his mental hospital...

Next day's headline: Nut screws and bolts.

Nurse: “My phone just died.”

Doctor: “Let’s call it.”

Two doctors in practice in a small town clinic in Bluebell had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her.

She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.

"Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and does things backwards. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, bu...

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