Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

But catscan...

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My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what shes trying to say.

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A scientist finds a time machine…

A scientist finds a time machine, and thinking quickly, decides to travel back in time to Ancient Rome with as much modern technology as he can gather in order to advance society thousands of years.

First, he grabs a laptop computer, then a television, and a cell phone. Having these, he deci...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

The government has developed machines that will pick litter up from the beach.

I saw one the other day, but unfortunately it was malfunctioning and was grabbing birds off the shoreline instead.

I thought "Well, that took a tern."

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NSFW what does a woman and a washing machine have in common?

They both leak when they're fucked.

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter.

Or sew it seams.

Women say I'm like a machine in bed

Just nuts and bolts

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

I invested in a coin making machine

It just made cents.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

me: I'm going to build a time machine

**her *[eating the last donut]*:** what you gonna use it for?

**me *[eating the last donut]*:** righting wrongs

I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken.

It just had a sign on it that said "Out of Odor".

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

What's a washing machine's favorite song?

Twist and Shout

Broken quiz machine for sale...

No questions asked.

"I don't even know what the cloning machine does"

Well, that makes two of us

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

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I'm writing a film about a guy with a time machine who tries to stop Hitler's parents from meeting ...

I'm calling it 'Back to the Fuhrer'.

I was surprised to discover that machine gunners are unpopular.

They've been disliked for sentries.

The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.

It’s always at the centre of a tension.

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?

Sir

There was a good sale on mist machines but I didn't buy any

It was a mist opportunity

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?

” He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

What happens when you put a drier sheet in the washing machine?

It becomes a wetter sheet.

(original joke. Can't find it anywhere)

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn are just about to be executed.

The Finn is first and he's given a choice of how he's going to be killed. He chooses the guillotine. But then when they try to behead him the machine broke and they let him go free. As he walks off he whispers to the Norwegian and the Swede: "pick the guillotine, it's broken!" So the Norwegian, who ...

Do you know the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

The washing machine can only handle one load at a time.

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine

He made a spectacle of himself.

The machine at the coin factory I work for stopped working.

It doesn't make any cents!

What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

You only need to punch instructions into a drum machine once.

A guy walks up to a musician...

"You ok?" He asks?
"Yeah." The musician responds, "Just thirsty."
"There's a vending machine with some water over there if you need it."
"Yeah I tried it... It only accepts ones."
The musician opens a suitcase next to him, revealing a saxophone.

"I only got a tenor on me."

I bought a rowing machine even after my wife said I'd never use it.

The joke's on her. I'm in great shape now, and all I do is row, row, row and gloat.

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Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. 
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” 
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” 
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” 
Husband repli...

What do you call a skunk with a machine gun?

Pepe la Pew-Pew

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

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I just created a machine that turns any woman into a prostitute.

It's horrifying.

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

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I think I need to stop pissing around with my son's new time machine and get it wrapped up.

It's his birthday last month.

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Man walks into a pub

Man walks into a pub orders a drink and goes straight to the jukebox puts money in nothing happens..he puts more money Nothing! Then gives it a push and a kick..(jukebox lights up) “GO AWAY YOU FAT BASTARD” in shock and confusion “who said that” the man says..”ME I DID GO AWAY YOU FAT BASTARD” the ...

An old washing machine

Husband is walking behind his wife and says "your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."
The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. Yo...

You’ve reached the answering machine for the tinnitus association

Please leave your message after the beep.

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

Today I accidentally put my wallet in the washing machine

I suppose I'm now a money launderer

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A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night.

The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn.

The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole.

Go...

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

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Doctor breaking the news

A patient is at the doctors office, it is the end of his appointment and he is discussing the results with his doctor. The doctor says: “Why don’t you go downstairs to the vending machine and buy yourself a drink on me, this next bit of news might be tough to hear.” The doctor rummages around his po...

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

What's the difference between a washing machine and Fox news?

No difference: They both spin dirty laundry till it smells better.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

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I asked my wife to rate the last orgasm I gave her.

She said, "Sure, have you got a time machine?"

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”


Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”


Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”


Then the judge looks towards the...

3 little pigs

A wolf goes to the house of the first pig, which was made of straw. "Come out you pig, or I will huff and puff and blow your straw house down".

The pig stays put and the wolf starts huffing and puffing. Frightened now, the pig sneaks out the back door just as his straw house starts to blow ...

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A cumshot came out of the time machine...

It was a blast from the past

Why can't you crack death jokes near an ECG machine?

Because ECG draws a line there

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

Vending machine

A guy from the past travel to the future and sees a vending machine. He's confused so he asks a person how does it work. The person says "You first put a coin, then you click here and there you go" a can of Cola falls and the person takes it. The guy from the past gets exited so he brings out all hi...

What’s a washing machine’s favorite state to live in?

Washington

Humans have evolved to longer need heads, being mostly machine. However, one remained in a museum to be preserved for generations.

I guess you could say it was a head of its time.

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

DOCTOR WHO: I have a time machine.

**DOCTOR WHOM:** the time machine is owned by me.

>!**DOCTOR WHOMST:** the time apparatus hereby hath mine name.!<

The Graybeard engineer

retired, and a few weeks later the Big Machine broke down, which was essential to the company’s revenue. The Manager couldn’t get the machine to work again so the company called in Graybeard as an independent consultant.
Graybeard agrees. He walks into the factory, takes a look at the Big Machi...

I just saw a sketchy guy buying a bunch of smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

What do you call a dog ,with one eye, and one leg?

Lucky
In loving memory of my father who was the biggest jokester, until his very last days, all he wanted to ,do was make others laugh.
He wanted us to put a fart machine in his casket and let them blow, my mom wouldn't allow it...

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?

No need to worry, he’s fully recovered

An old Russian WW2 joke

This is an old Russian WW2 joke that my grandfather loved to tell.

During high-casualty battles between Germans and Russians, the Russian general gets surprised by the commander of a tiny platoon who wants to hand over hundreds of German prisoners. When investigating the prisoners closer, h...

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

What's a tiger running a copying machine called?

A copycat

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There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Every-time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine."

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, "Washing machine." The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.

A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispe...

Apparently Tucker Carlson is starting a new band

Rage sponsored by the machine

Someone misprogrammed the vending machine at work

It says "Ice Could" instead of "Ice Cold". My first thought was, "Should it, though?"

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Three tech owners are sitting in a room together.

The first, the owner of Samsung, says “I call my phones Androids because I named it after my penis, because it’s a machine!”

The second, Steve Jobs, said, “Me too! I named it Apple because girls like to suck my penis like a candied apple!

Bill Gates slowly stood up, and quietly left th...

A worker at the Zippo factory is showing their boss how the new machine works.

Suddenly, the lights go out. Wanting to finish the demonstration quickly, they try to continue with only the emergency lighting.

"The lights are too dim, I can't see what you're doing" the boss complains.

"I have an idea", says the worker. "Let's turn the machine on. "

The bos...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

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A Married Couple Terrified a Cab Driver.

They were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater, having had a break-in in the past, they turned on a nightlight and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When their cab arrived, they walked out from their front door and their rather tubby cat sc...

Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"

Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machine...

A couple go to a hospital to deliver their baby

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, exp...

A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”

She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir...”

10 years ago I went to the opticians for an eye test. He asked to look into this big machine & tell him what I could see. I said I can see a fella eating a bat, closed pubs & everyone seems to be wearing face masks!

The optician said I don't need glasses as I have 2020 vision!

My friends garage

I was speaking to my friend the other day about the fact he leaves his garage full of stuff completely open all the time and if he was worried about anything getting stolen.

I said to him, "You either have a massive pair of bollocks, or nothing worth stealing"

He ranted about how safe...

My Time-Machine and I are Best Friends

We go way back

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3 men decided to take a walk down a nature trail

They all had long work weeks and just wanted some peace and quiet. After some walking together, the trail branched off into 3 separate paths. They discuss what they wanted to do next and decided they all wanted some alone time, and that the paths would meet back up anyways. They go their seperate wa...

What did Dr. Doofenshmirtz call his pants-halving machine?

A deniminator!

What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a time machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian, and the other’s a Manned DeLorean!

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Therapist: You are addicted to using the cloning machine

Us: No we aren’t

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If you watch 1970's porn backwards..

It's about a hairy man who hoovers cum off a women, then breaks her washing machine and leaves...

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

Who does a ladder call for help if it gets stuck in a washing machine?

Its step ladder.

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

me getting out of time machine I did it

Her did what

me I killed the guy who invented punctuation marks

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A woman scolds her husband for not fixing the washing machine...

He scoffs at her and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag man?". The washing machine goes unfixed. Later that week, the pipes under the sink keep getting backed up so she asks her husband to fix that. He rolls his eyes and says, What do I look like, Mr. Clean?". A couple days later, she notices a ...

Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

You can drop a load in a washer and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping he...

An old Businessman and his young Model ex-wife

were fighting over the custody of their 3-year-old son.
The young mother protested that since she brought the kid into this world,
she had a natural right to the custody of him.
The judge asked the businessman to explain his side of the case.
After a long moment of silence, t...

I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.

It was a casual T.

I think people who drive farming machines have a place.

You could say I'm protractor.

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Two dyslexics with machine guns run into a bank and yell

Air in the hands
Mother stickers this is a fuck up

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Me and my little brother tested out a new lie dectector machine.

The lie detector only buzzes when a truth is told and does nothing else when a lie is told

My litlle brother was so exited and he wanted to try it out first. So I let him go. He told a truth saying "My favourite game is baseball!" and the detector buzzed. Then I said its my turn now. "No! On...

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A man goes to the doctor with a tennis elbow.

The doctor doesn’t even look at it, tells the guy to pee in a cup. Then he inserts the cup in a machine which prints out a paper reading, you have a tennis elbow. The man can’t believe this actually works, so when he gets home he asks his wife to pee in a cup, and then his son to pee in a cup as wel...

Every machine is a smoke machine...

If you operate it wrong enough.

After turning off the constantly beeping machine, my grandpa finally slept better

No idea why the doctors and nurses were screaming though

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The Man and the Machine

One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the Sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day,...

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