I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a prostitute and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't spit my load out when it's done

My friend told me he didn't know what the cloning machine does.

I replied, "That makes two of us."

A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"

ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."

Int.: What's 6 + 10?

ML E.: Zero.

Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!

ML E.: Okay, it's 16.

Int.: What's 10 + 20?

ML E.: It's 16.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

My dad just bought a new washing machine

What should we call her?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got fired from the butchers today for putting my dick in the mince machine.

She got fired as well..

Did you hear about the man that fell into the upholstery machine?

Thankfully, he's fully recovered.

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a guy on the rowing machine

He didn't like being whipped

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Milking Machine

A guy visited his farmer friend at his farm. He saw the farmer milking the cows then the guy told him, how the hell you still use your hands for milking the cows!!! There are milking machines out there. It save time, efforts and cleaner. The farmer was convinced and both of them went to the city and...

After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...

"I have what it takes."

A guy at work was stuck in a machine, it cut his whole left side off.....

He's all right.

Dogs can not operate MRI machines ...

... but cats can

There’s a new machine down at the gym today,

I used it for an hour and felt sick, it’s great though, got everything, KitKats, M&Ms, Snickers, the lot!

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So this blonde girl was playing in a casino, and put a quarter in a machine...

... and she gets nothing.

She put a second quarter in, she gets nothing again.

She put a third quarter in the same machine, still nothing.

She decided to give that machine one last go before she goes to another machine. She puts the quarter in, press the button, and yell: **''Ye...

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back.

Funny Answering Machine Messages

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

John's answering machine

"Hi. You've reached John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, *please* send money. If you are my financial aid institution you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money! If you are female, don't worry, I have plenty of money"

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

She’s a Singer songwriter.

A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.

Next he asked the redhead to test it. She...

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three.

And promptly received a one-world answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?"

Instantly the machine replied "Yes, sir!"

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

What's the best thing about building a time machine for a school project?

You can take as long as you want and still get it in by the due date.

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Now I'm not saying my dentist is a sex machine

I'm just saying he REALLY knows how to fill a cavity.

What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald’s ice cream machine

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

What did Captain Picard say to the quilting machine repairman?

Make it sew.

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A bloke has just got out of a time machine and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this twat as a kid, and force him to suck my cock.

My wife was disappointed to find out the real reason why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine"

It’s because I sucked at tennis

Went to a coin factory the other day, they used to have machines that made pennies and dimes,

It all makes cents now

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Man invents machine to feel fellatio directly inside the brain

What happens next will blow your mind

Birth pain transfer machine

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus r...

If you think about it, we already have Time Machines.

They're called clocks.

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

The Pain Machine

There was a married couple who have been trying to have kids for a while and they kept loosing their children during pregnancy.

This was her third pregnancy and her water breaks.

Her husband rushes her to the hospital as he can see his wife is in great pain.

Once they get the...

A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "What will you have?"

The ML algorithm immediately responds, "What's everyone else having?"

A time machine goes to the hospital.

The doctor enters and goes to 2017. He finds a caveman inside and returns to the present day.

The doctor says, "Sorry sir, but you have an ana-chronic disease."

Which is the angriest machine ever?

the venting machine...

You Want to hear a joke about cash machines?

Wait a sec... I can't think of one ATM

I bought a time machine with a no refund policy.

Just read the small print and found out it’s faulty,

there’s no going back.

I finally made a machine that can run forever!

"how do you know it will run forever?"


"Because it runs on r/jokes complaining about reposts"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in my town is hiding from the cops after he was caught having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine.

He was soda pressed.

A Procrastinator Built A Time Machine

Well, not yet, but he's planning on getting started last week.

What do you say to an angry woman sitting at a sewing machine?

You seem stressed.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesnt follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

I was going to show you a video about a drill machine digging a tunnel.

But it's too boreing.

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

What kind of machine never lies?

A facts-machine

I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries.

The good news is he's now fully recovered

If I had a time machine...

I'd go back in time and post this joke as soon as r/Jokes was created.

time machine.

I think I’ve just invented the very first-

Sharing a washing machine in college

I was going to the college laundry room to wash my clothes and noticed someone left their clothes in the dryer that I had booked.

Naturally I just went to take it out, but just as I did, a girl walked in, and saw me with my arms full of her towels and underwear.

She gave me a very we...

A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine

There is a message from his doctor.

"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"

The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.

The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a mess...

Why do tennis players love vending machines?

Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

Girl, did you fall from a vending machine?

Cause you look like you accept quarters

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartmen...

What religion is a coffee machine?

He-brew.

In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.

Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.

Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.

The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a ve...

I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

I never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

The new machine at the gym is my favourite...

It has snicker, skittles, kit kats and twix

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

What's the difference between a small problem and a machine that suffocates you?

One's a spot of bother and the other's a bot of smother.

Now that Laundry Folding Machine has been invented

Theres no used getting married.

Speaking of PET scans, did you guys hear about the new law they passed in Oregon where dogs can no longer operate MRI machines?

Apparently cats can.

Hit my head opening the washing machine this morning

Bosch

A half man half machine, a princess, an animal like boy and a clown are trying to save their friend from her abusive father who is inside her

Teen titans was a great show

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to create a machine that would smash two boners together at nearly the speed of light.

I'll call it the Large Hard-on Collider

I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft.

I just conduit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vending machines are like arseholes

I got my arm stuck in one once.

I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.

I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.

What do vending machines, explosives and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common?

C4, and there's a chance someone might get hurt.

I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.

I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to g...

My friend bought a used coin making machine

Him: "It doesn't work anymore, but I bought it anyway."
Me: "Why would you do that?? It doesn't make cents!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy invents a time machine...

A guy runs into the the room panicking and says to his friend “I just fucked up!”

“Why?” His friend asks

He replies “I just invented a time machine, I went back in time and slept with my own mother “

His friend says “it’s not your fault, she was probably much younger and you di...

Why can't anybody win at a Frozen claw machine?

Because it will always let it go

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Dad loves his new CPAP machine

He says it’s the first time in 20 years that he’s had a blowjob every night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

The other day I asked someone what makes pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. They replied "A coin machine".

I said "That makes cents."

What does the White House use when their fax machine breaks?

Alternative fax

Why would nobody like a soda machine as a politician?

Too self-serving

I wish my husband's 1 minute is the same as my washing machine's 1 minute.

Where you lost track of time waiting for it to be over.

A farmer buys a new machine..

It's designed for extracting milk from the udders of cows. He tries it out on a few cows and figures 'Wow this is great, I don't have to get my hands dirty at all!'
After seeing the machine in action, a thought flashes through his head involving his most basic human desires and before you know it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes.

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO FUCKED MY WIFE?". The entire bar falls silent until a guy in the back yells "You didn't brin..." just to be cut off by the angry guy who yells back "THIS HAS BEEN REPOSTED SO MAN...

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Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeepe...

With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...

But bricks are free if you look hard enough and you can get everything, from every vending machine!

Edit 1: price

Edit 2: price again

A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home

When the son comes home:

Dad - So you were at school right?

Son - yeah

Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends

Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - ....I was having a few beers with my friends

Dad - What??? When I was your age I ...

I’ve just finished inventing a time machine...

...I’m going to get started on it tomorrow.

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

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