When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

If you don’t know what the cloning machine does

That makes two of us

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

She’s a Singer songwriter.

What's the best thing about building a time machine for a school project?

You can take as long as you want and still get it in by the due date.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now I'm not saying my dentist is a sex machine

I'm just saying he REALLY knows how to fill a cavity.

What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was telling my mate, how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother.

"Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked

"Well not really, I only went back two days"

My wife was disappointed to find out the real reason why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine"

It’s because I sucked at tennis

Went to a coin factory the other day, they used to have machines that made pennies and dimes,

It all makes cents now

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald’s ice cream machine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke has just got out of a time machine and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this twat as a kid, and force him to suck my cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man invents machine to feel fellatio directly inside the brain

What happens next will blow your mind

You Want to hear a joke about cash machines?

Wait a sec... I can't think of one ATM

Birth pain transfer machine

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus r...

If you think about it, we already have Time Machines.

They're called clocks.

The Single Use Time Machine

A scientist invites his friend over to his lab to ask help him decide what to do.

Scientist: So, I've invented a single use time machine and I need help deciding what to do.

Friend: Well, isn't that obvious? You've gotta kill Hitler.

Scientist: Are you sure? Think about what ...

What Did The Football Coach Say To The Vending machine?

Give me my quarter back.

What did Captain Picard say to the quilting machine repairman?

Make it sew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "What will you have?"

The ML algorithm immediately responds, "What's everyone else having?"

Which is the angriest machine ever?

the venting machine...

A time machine goes to the hospital.

The doctor enters and goes to 2017. He finds a caveman inside and returns to the present day.

The doctor says, "Sorry sir, but you have an ana-chronic disease."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in my town is hiding from the cops after he was caught having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesnt follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine.

He was soda pressed.

I finally made a machine that can run forever!

"how do you know it will run forever?"


"Because it runs on r/jokes complaining about reposts"

What do you say to an angry woman sitting at a sewing machine?

You seem stressed.

The Pain Machine

There was a married couple who have been trying to have kids for a while and they kept loosing their children during pregnancy.

This was her third pregnancy and her water breaks.

Her husband rushes her to the hospital as he can see his wife is in great pain.

Once they get the...

I was going to show you a video about a drill machine digging a tunnel.

But it's too boreing.

What kind of machine never lies?

A facts-machine

I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries.

The good news is he's now fully recovered

What religion is a coffee machine?

He-brew.

If I had a time machine...

I'd go back in time and post this joke as soon as r/Jokes was created.

time machine.

I think I’ve just invented the very first-

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But Catscan

A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine

There is a message from his doctor.

"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"

The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.

The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a mess...

Why do tennis players love vending machines?

Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.

A Procrastinator Built A Time Machine

Well, not yet, but he's planning on getting started last week.

Sharing a washing machine in college

I was going to the college laundry room to wash my clothes and noticed someone left their clothes in the dryer that I had booked.

Naturally I just went to take it out, but just as I did, a girl walked in, and saw me with my arms full of her towels and underwear.

She gave me a very we...

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.

Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. It's good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!

I asked my personal trainer which machine I should use at the gym to impress the ladies..

She looked me up and down and then said, "The ATM."

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn't call me for 3 weeks after i dump my load in it.

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

Speaking of PET scans, did you guys hear about the new law they passed in Oregon where dogs can no longer operate MRI machines?

Apparently cats can.

In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.

Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.

Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.

The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a ve...

Girl, did you fall from a vending machine?

Cause you look like you accept quarters

I never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

What's the difference between a small problem and a machine that suffocates you?

One's a spot of bother and the other's a bot of smother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

Hit my head opening the washing machine this morning

Bosch

Now that Laundry Folding Machine has been invented

Theres no used getting married.

I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft.

I just conduit.

The new machine at the gym is my favourite...

It has snicker, skittles, kit kats and twix

A half man half machine, a princess, an animal like boy and a clown are trying to save their friend from her abusive father who is inside her

Teen titans was a great show

I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to create a machine that would smash two boners together at nearly the speed of light.

I'll call it the Large Hard-on Collider

What do vending machines, explosives and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common?

C4, and there's a chance someone might get hurt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vending machines are like arseholes

I got my arm stuck in one once.

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy invents a time machine...

A guy runs into the the room panicking and says to his friend “I just fucked up!”

“Why?” His friend asks

He replies “I just invented a time machine, I went back in time and slept with my own mother “

His friend says “it’s not your fault, she was probably much younger and you di...

I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.

I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.

I wish my husband's 1 minute is the same as my washing machine's 1 minute.

Where you lost track of time waiting for it to be over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Dad loves his new CPAP machine

He says it’s the first time in 20 years that he’s had a blowjob every night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartmen...

My friend bought a used coin making machine

Him: "It doesn't work anymore, but I bought it anyway."
Me: "Why would you do that?? It doesn't make cents!"

The other day I asked someone what makes pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. They replied "A coin machine".

I said "That makes cents."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.

I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to g...

What does the White House use when their fax machine breaks?

Alternative fax

A farmer buys a new machine..

It's designed for extracting milk from the udders of cows. He tries it out on a few cows and figures 'Wow this is great, I don't have to get my hands dirty at all!'
After seeing the machine in action, a thought flashes through his head involving his most basic human desires and before you know it...

Why would nobody like a soda machine as a politician?

Too self-serving

Why can't anybody win at a Frozen claw machine?

Because it will always let it go

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes.

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO FUCKED MY WIFE?". The entire bar falls silent until a guy in the back yells "You didn't brin..." just to be cut off by the angry guy who yells back "THIS HAS BEEN REPOSTED SO MAN...

I’ve just finished inventing a time machine...

...I’m going to get started on it tomorrow.

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...

But bricks are free if you look hard enough and you can get everything, from every vending machine!

Edit 1: price

Edit 2: price again

My brother fell into an upholstery machine.

It's okay. He's completely recovered.

A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?'

The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home

When the son comes home:

Dad - So you were at school right?

Son - yeah

Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends

Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - ....I was having a few beers with my friends

Dad - What??? When I was your age I ...

Did you hear about the Smiths' tradition of carving the names of the people next in line to the family fortune into their old weaving machine?

It's a family heirloom.

I bought a second hand time machine,

and I'll tell ya, they don't make them like they used to fifty years from now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeepe...

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

I've invented a machine that prints money.

I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....


It makes no cents.

I learned recently that people aren't hospitable to water dispensing machines...

Just let that sink in.

Why do arcades never put pac-man machines together?

Because papparazzi would crowd them and say:"Hey look! Its tupac, man!

[Pick Up-Line] Did it hurt when you fell from a vending machine?

Cus you a snack

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.