I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

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My time machine landed right into the middle of Hitler's living room in 1940.

I thought now’s my chance to change the world.

“Please sir,” I pleaded, “don’t gas the Jews. ”

“Gas the Jews?” Hitler replied, “h’mm, I hadn’t thought of that.”

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

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A wise man once said “When the rise of the machine happens...

Make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory.”

A sketchy looking guy walked into my store and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

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So a farmer buys a milking machine

Finally, after manually milking his cows for a very long time. He then thinks, hey let's try how good is it! So, he puts it on his d**k and start it. He cums once, twice, three times and he, for some reason, can't put it off. So, he starts searching for a power of button, but can't find it. He then,...

- I just build a machine that produces knives

- Is it any good?

- It's cutting edge technology.

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't spit my load out when it's done

Did you hear about the remote-controlled weather machine China developed?

It takes full control of a blizzard's direction in just a few keystrokes.

I found a tumor in the vending machine.

Don't worry though, it was B9.

What do you call a Jewish Mr. Coffee machine?

A He Brew

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What's the difference between an outdoor cleaning machine and a person who likes to give oral sex to Canadian men?

There isn't one. They're both leafblowers.

I built a machine that tickles you.

I have been asking people to try it. But nobody seems to want to try some test tickles.

My friend told me he didn't know what the cloning machine does.

I replied, "That makes two of us."

A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"

ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."

Int.: What's 6 + 10?

ML E.: Zero.

Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!

ML E.: Okay, it's 16.

Int.: What's 10 + 20?

ML E.: It's 16.

I've got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine

I hope it bares fruit.

I hate the sound of my washing machine.

Its so agitating!

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

Dogs can not operate MRI machines ...

... but cats can

A guy at work was stuck in a machine, it cut his whole left side off.....

He's all right.

I'm glad we haven't invented the time machine yet

Last thing i'd want is my work getting outsourced to a medieval era person.

Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?

Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

Did you hear about the man that fell into the upholstery machine?

Thankfully, he's fully recovered.

I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a guy on the rowing machine

He didn't like being whipped

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Milking Machine

A guy visited his farmer friend at his farm. He saw the farmer milking the cows then the guy told him, how the hell you still use your hands for milking the cows!!! There are milking machines out there. It save time, efforts and cleaner. The farmer was convinced and both of them went to the city and...

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Got fired from the butchers today for putting my dick in the mince machine.

She got fired as well..

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back.

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So this blonde girl was playing in a casino, and put a quarter in a machine...

... and she gets nothing.

She put a second quarter in, she gets nothing again.

She put a third quarter in the same machine, still nothing.

She decided to give that machine one last go before she goes to another machine. She puts the quarter in, press the button, and yell: **''Ye...

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

Funny Answering Machine Messages

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

She’s a Singer songwriter.

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

John's answering machine

"Hi. You've reached John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, *please* send money. If you are my financial aid institution you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money! If you are female, don't worry, I have plenty of money"

What's the best thing about building a time machine for a school project?

You can take as long as you want and still get it in by the due date.

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Now I'm not saying my dentist is a sex machine

I'm just saying he REALLY knows how to fill a cavity.

There’s a new machine down at the gym today,

I used it for an hour and felt sick, it’s great though, got everything, KitKats, M&Ms, Snickers, the lot!

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A bloke has just got out of a time machine and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this twat as a kid, and force him to suck my cock.

A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.

Next he asked the redhead to test it. She...

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three.

And promptly received a one-world answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?"

Instantly the machine replied "Yes, sir!"

What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

I saw a guy stealing candy machines out of a laundromat and yelled at him, "Why would you do that?!!"

He yelled back, "Jack nickels, son!!"

What did Captain Picard say to the quilting machine repairman?

Make it sew.

You Want to hear a joke about cash machines?

Wait a sec... I can't think of one ATM

A Man's Logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine mont...

Went to a coin factory the other day, they used to have machines that made pennies and dimes,

It all makes cents now

My wife was disappointed to find out the real reason why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine"

It’s because I sucked at tennis

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

A man walks into a bar..

Now, this man isn't your average man. This man was OBSESSED with tractors. He grew up with a farming background and has loved the machines since he was a small boy.

But unfortunately, in his teen years, he had an accident involving his beloved tractor and severely injured himself. He vowed t...

If you think about it, we already have Time Machines.

They're called clocks.

Bob was riding a bike. Bob fell off the bike. Why did Bob fall off?

Someone threw a washing machine at him

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

The Pain Machine

There was a married couple who have been trying to have kids for a while and they kept loosing their children during pregnancy.

This was her third pregnancy and her water breaks.

Her husband rushes her to the hospital as he can see his wife is in great pain.

Once they get the...

An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife. The device shares the pain...

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It's the middle of the night, pouring rain, and a man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere...

He sees a farmhouse in the distance and walks to it. After knocking on the front door, a farmer opens it and greets the man. Inside, the man sees the farmer's beautiful wife and daughter.

The man tells the farmer about his situation and the farmer is sympathetic, allowing the man to stay the...

What is black and white, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?

a cow with a machine gun.

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Man invents machine to feel fellatio directly inside the brain

What happens next will blow your mind

A woman goes into labor with her child.

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep do...

I finally made a machine that can run forever!

"how do you know it will run forever?"


"Because it runs on r/jokes complaining about reposts"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

What's big, grey and goes round and round?

An elephant in a washing machine.

I was working at the US treasury.

I was working at the machine that makes coins. For some reason it does not make any. Carefully, I open it up and look inside. The gears are turning like they always do. I replace a few gears, clean it out, bop it five times, and try again. It does not operate properly. It did not make cents.

A time machine goes to the hospital.

The doctor enters and goes to 2017. He finds a caveman inside and returns to the present day.

The doctor says, "Sorry sir, but you have an ana-chronic disease."

A blonde in Las Vegas

Last weekend, a blonde went to Las Vegas. When she returned home, her friend asked:

\- Hey! How was your trip?

\- It was awesome! I saw a slot machine and tried luck. I won! Then I put another coin in and I got a prize again! And again! I had to stop there beczause I could only drink s...

A Procrastinator Built A Time Machine

Well, not yet, but he's planning on getting started last week.

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine.

He was soda pressed.

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A guy in my town is hiding from the cops after he was caught having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

If I had a time machine...

I'd go back in time and post this joke as soon as r/Jokes was created.

You are lying on your deathbed

Your family and loved ones surround you, supporting you. You feel reassured, ready to move on, as your wife pulls the plug on life support.

As the machines wind down... you dont die. Your family is ecstatic, the doctors are bewildered. They all cry, saying it is a miracle.

Two hours l...

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Ask the Private.

To all my veteran friends out there... enjoy!

A U.S. Marine General was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the General decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky th...

I was going to show you a video about a drill machine digging a tunnel.

But it's too boreing.

What kind of machine never lies?

A facts-machine

Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesnt follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

Just one, actually.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

time machine.

I think I’ve just invented the very first-

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

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I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

What do you say to an angry woman sitting at a sewing machine?

You seem stressed.

I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries.

The good news is he's now fully recovered

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Boyfriend moving in...

Him: Can I set up a cloning machine in the basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.

It worked

I'm building a time machine

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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog cr...

A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine

There is a message from his doctor.

"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"

The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.

The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a mess...

So, today was not a good day.....

I decided to go horse back riding, after a few years of not being on one, turned out to be a big mistake, I got on the horse & started out slow, than we went a little faster, before I knew it we were going as fast as the horse could go, I couldn’t take the pace & fell off, catching my foot i...

Girl, did you fall from a vending machine?

Cause you look like you accept quarters

Why do tennis players love vending machines?

Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What costs £50,000 and sits on the end of your bed, taking the piss?

A dialysis machine

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

Now that Laundry Folding Machine has been invented

Theres no used getting married.

The new machine at the gym is my favourite...

It has snicker, skittles, kit kats and twix

I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

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Aussie Pool Party

A very wealthy Australian guy decides he’d like to throw a pool party at this mansion and invites all this buddies and neighbours around. He also invites Dave who he’d met recently and works at the local zoo.

Halfway through the evening everyone was having a great time – drinking, socialisin...

I never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.

I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to g...

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Vending machines are like arseholes

I got my arm stuck in one once.

Speaking of PET scans, did you guys hear about the new law they passed in Oregon where dogs can no longer operate MRI machines?

Apparently cats can.

What do vending machines, explosives and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common?

C4, and there's a chance someone might get hurt.

Hit my head opening the washing machine this morning

Bosch

A half man half machine, a princess, an animal like boy and a clown are trying to save their friend from her abusive father who is inside her

Teen titans was a great show

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I want to create a machine that would smash two boners together at nearly the speed of light.

I'll call it the Large Hard-on Collider

What's the difference between a small problem and a machine that suffocates you?

One's a spot of bother and the other's a bot of smother.

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Wilson’s nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive ...

I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft.

I just conduit.

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