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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

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My time machine landed right into the middle of Hitler's living room in 1940.

I thought now’s my chance to change the world.

“Please sir,” I pleaded, “don’t gas the Jews. ”

“Gas the Jews?” Hitler replied, “h’mm, I hadn’t thought of that.”

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

When the mystery machine runs out of gas, who has to refill the tank?

Scooby-Doo!



I've been creating jokes for over 30 years. This is the first family-friendly joke I've ever written. Plz be gentle.

When the Mystery Machine gets a flat, who gets out to change the tire?

Scooby-do

A sketchy looking guy walked into my store and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

Why are fax machines mean to others?

Because fax don’t care about your feelings

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did....

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

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A wise man once said “When the rise of the machine happens...

Make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory.”

I hate the sound of my washing machine.

Its so agitating!

- I just build a machine that produces knives

- Is it any good?

- It's cutting edge technology.

so a father bought a lie detector machine and he asked his son "did you go to school today"

He said "yes" the machine beeps

then he says "okay okay i went to the movies with some friends" \*beep\*

Finally he admits "fine i went out drinking with some buddies"

the father says "when i was your age i didn't do anything like that" \*beep\*

then the mother says "wow ...

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't spit my load out when it's done

I've got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine

I hope it bares fruit.

A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"

ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."

Int.: What's 6 + 10?

ML E.: Zero.

Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!

ML E.: Okay, it's 16.

Int.: What's 10 + 20?

ML E.: It's 16.

We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing

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What's the difference between an outdoor cleaning machine and a person who likes to give oral sex to Canadian men?

There isn't one. They're both leafblowers.

Did you hear about the remote-controlled weather machine China developed?

It takes full control of a blizzard's direction in just a few keystrokes.

I found a tumor in the vending machine.

Don't worry though, it was B9.

What do you call a Jewish Mr. Coffee machine?

A He Brew

I built a machine that tickles you.

I have been asking people to try it. But nobody seems to want to try some test tickles.

My friend told me he didn't know what the cloning machine does.

I replied, "That makes two of us."

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

I'm glad we haven't invented the time machine yet

Last thing i'd want is my work getting outsourced to a medieval era person.

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

Dogs can not operate MRI machines ...

... but cats can

A guy at work was stuck in a machine, it cut his whole left side off.....

He's all right.

Did you hear about the man that fell into the upholstery machine?

Thankfully, he's fully recovered.

Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?

Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.

I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a guy on the rowing machine

He didn't like being whipped

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

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Milking Machine

A guy visited his farmer friend at his farm. He saw the farmer milking the cows then the guy told him, how the hell you still use your hands for milking the cows!!! There are milking machines out there. It save time, efforts and cleaner. The farmer was convinced and both of them went to the city and...

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

There’s a new machine down at the gym today,

I used it for an hour and felt sick, it’s great though, got everything, KitKats, M&Ms, Snickers, the lot!

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Got fired from the butchers today for putting my dick in the mince machine.

She got fired as well..

After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...

"I have what it takes."

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back.

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

She’s a Singer songwriter.

Funny Answering Machine Messages

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

What's the best thing about building a time machine for a school project?

You can take as long as you want and still get it in by the due date.

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Now I'm not saying my dentist is a sex machine

I'm just saying he REALLY knows how to fill a cavity.

John's answering machine

"Hi. You've reached John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, *please* send money. If you are my financial aid institution you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money! If you are female, don't worry, I have plenty of money"

My wife was disappointed to find out the real reason why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine"

It’s because I sucked at tennis

A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.

Next he asked the redhead to test it. She...

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three.

And promptly received a one-world answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?"

Instantly the machine replied "Yes, sir!"

A woman goes into labor with her child.....

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.

He asks if it's okay to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain of the father to 10%.

The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels noth...

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

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A bloke has just got out of a time machine and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this twat as a kid, and force him to suck my cock.

What did Captain Picard say to the quilting machine repairman?

Make it sew.

You Want to hear a joke about cash machines?

Wait a sec... I can't think of one ATM

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

Went to a coin factory the other day, they used to have machines that made pennies and dimes,

It all makes cents now

If you think about it, we already have Time Machines.

They're called clocks.

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Man invents machine to feel fellatio directly inside the brain

What happens next will blow your mind

Birth pain transfer machine

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus r...

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

A Man's Logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine mont...

The Pain Machine

There was a married couple who have been trying to have kids for a while and they kept loosing their children during pregnancy.

This was her third pregnancy and her water breaks.

Her husband rushes her to the hospital as he can see his wife is in great pain.

Once they get the...

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

I finally made a machine that can run forever!

"how do you know it will run forever?"


"Because it runs on r/jokes complaining about reposts"

A Procrastinator Built A Time Machine

Well, not yet, but he's planning on getting started last week.

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine.

He was soda pressed.

A time machine goes to the hospital.

The doctor enters and goes to 2017. He finds a caveman inside and returns to the present day.

The doctor says, "Sorry sir, but you have an ana-chronic disease."

Bob was riding a bike. Bob fell off the bike. Why did Bob fall off?

Someone threw a washing machine at him

I bought a time machine with a no refund policy.

Just read the small print and found out it’s faulty,

there’s no going back.

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A guy in my town is hiding from the cops after he was caught having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

Data: Captain

We have the 20th century machine that puts clothes together now working. Would you like to see a demonstration.

Capt: Make it sew.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

What do you say to an angry woman sitting at a sewing machine?

You seem stressed.

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

What kind of machine never lies?

A facts-machine

Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesnt follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

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I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

I was going to show you a video about a drill machine digging a tunnel.

But it's too boreing.

If I had a time machine...

I'd go back in time and post this joke as soon as r/Jokes was created.

I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries.

The good news is he's now fully recovered

An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife. The device shares the pain...

time machine.

I think I’ve just invented the very first-

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It's the middle of the night, pouring rain, and a man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere...

He sees a farmhouse in the distance and walks to it. After knocking on the front door, a farmer opens it and greets the man. Inside, the man sees the farmer's beautiful wife and daughter.

The man tells the farmer about his situation and the farmer is sympathetic, allowing the man to stay the...

What is black and white, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?

a cow with a machine gun.

A man walks into a bar..

Now, this man isn't your average man. This man was OBSESSED with tractors. He grew up with a farming background and has loved the machines since he was a small boy.

But unfortunately, in his teen years, he had an accident involving his beloved tractor and severely injured himself. He vowed t...

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

Girl, did you fall from a vending machine?

Cause you look like you accept quarters

A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine

There is a message from his doctor.

"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"

The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.

The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a mess...

Why do tennis players love vending machines?

Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.

What's big, grey and goes round and round?

An elephant in a washing machine.

The new machine at the gym is my favourite...

It has snicker, skittles, kit kats and twix

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

You are lying on your deathbed

Your family and loved ones surround you, supporting you. You feel reassured, ready to move on, as your wife pulls the plug on life support.

As the machines wind down... you dont die. Your family is ecstatic, the doctors are bewildered. They all cry, saying it is a miracle.

Two hours l...

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Boyfriend moving in...

Him: Can I set up a cloning machine in the basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.

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Ask the Private.

To all my veteran friends out there... enjoy!

A U.S. Marine General was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the General decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky th...

I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.

I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to g...

I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.

I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.

Speaking of PET scans, did you guys hear about the new law they passed in Oregon where dogs can no longer operate MRI machines?

Apparently cats can.

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Vending machines are like arseholes

I got my arm stuck in one once.

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

What do vending machines, explosives and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common?

C4, and there's a chance someone might get hurt.

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

Now that Laundry Folding Machine has been invented

Theres no used getting married.

I never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

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