My friend composes songs about sewing machines.

He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams. (Don’t hate me.) Edit: corrected word.

What happened to the optometrist that fell into the eyeglass making machine?

He made a spectacle of himself

A butcher slicing bacon backed up into his machine.

He got a little behind in his orders.

"I don't even know what the cloning machine does"

Well, that makes two of us

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

What's a tiger running a copying machine called?

A copycat

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A cumshot came out of the time machine...

It was a blast from the past

I saw a flying machine once.

I wasn’t impressed. I was kinda plain

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Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. 
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” 
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” 
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” 
Husband repli...

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There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Every-time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine."

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, "Washing machine." The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.

A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispe...

I just saw a sketchy guy buying a bunch of smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

DOCTOR WHO: I have a time machine.

**DOCTOR WHOM:** the time machine is owned by me.

>!**DOCTOR WHOMST:** the time apparatus hereby hath mine name.!<

What’s a washing machine’s favorite state to live in?

Washington

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?

No need to worry, he’s fully recovered

A worker at the Zippo factory is showing their boss how the new machine works.

Suddenly, the lights go out. Wanting to finish the demonstration quickly, they try to continue with only the emergency lighting.

"The lights are too dim, I can't see what you're doing" the boss complains.

"I have an idea", says the worker. "Let's turn the machine on. "

The bos...

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After seeing Machine Gun Kelly’s success switching genres, Korn has decided to put out a new experimental album

It will be called PopKorn

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

Among all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always at the centre of a tension.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

Vending machine

A guy from the past travel to the future and sees a vending machine. He's confused so he asks a person how does it work. The person says "You first put a coin, then you click here and there you go" a can of Cola falls and the person takes it. The guy from the past gets exited so he brings out all hi...

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.

The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50%, and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can't feel anything. The Doctor, no...

Someone misprogrammed the vending machine at work

It says "Ice Could" instead of "Ice Cold". My first thought was, "Should it, though?"

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I Rocked my Stepsister’s World when she got stuck in the Washing Machine.

My ass got beat afterwards. Never turn on the Washing Machine when your Stepsis is inside...

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has came up with a new machine to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others , they have named it in honour of Putin who funded the project

It is called RARA’s Grasp-Putin, Russia’s greatest glove machine

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”

She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir...”

Who does a ladder call for help if it gets stuck in a washing machine?

Its step ladder.

I made a DIY machine that measures physical attractiveness.

Due to my poor design, the results were not pretty.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

My wife was really disappointed when she found out why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine”.

It was because I was terrible at tennis.

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

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Therapist: You are addicted to using the cloning machine

Us: No we aren’t

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But CATscan

After turning off the constantly beeping machine, my grandpa finally slept better

No idea why the doctors and nurses were screaming though

If I had the time machine from back to the future I wouldn’t drive it much....

I’d only drive it from time to time.

me getting out of time machine I did it

Her did what

me I killed the guy who invented punctuation marks

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A woman scolds her husband for not fixing the washing machine...

He scoffs at her and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag man?". The washing machine goes unfixed. Later that week, the pipes under the sink keep getting backed up so she asks her husband to fix that. He rolls his eyes and says, What do I look like, Mr. Clean?". A couple days later, she notices a ...

I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.

It was a casual T.

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Me and my little brother tested out a new lie dectector machine.

The lie detector only buzzes when a truth is told and does nothing else when a lie is told

My litlle brother was so exited and he wanted to try it out first. So I let him go. He told a truth saying "My favourite game is baseball!" and the detector buzzed. Then I said its my turn now. "No! On...

A dying man wants to prevent his family from inheriting his wealth. So he entrusts the money to his three closest friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

He gives each friend an envelope with $1,000,000 in cash, and makes them all swear to bury the money with him when he dies. They all shake hands and solemnly agree.

A few months later the man dies, and the three friends place their envelopes in the casket.

Later, privately, the doctor...

Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

You can drop a load in a washer and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping he...

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

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The Man and the Machine

One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the Sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day,...

Every machine is a smoke machine...

If you operate it wrong enough.

My Time-Machine and I are Best Friends

We go way back

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

Which machine is the worst and best at what it does?

A vacuum... It just sucks

I used to be married to an X-Ray Machine

We got a divorce yesterday so I Guess you can call it my Ex-Ray Machine

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A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

‟Bullshit!”, he exclaims in response. ‟I haven’t had a single dro...

To get to the time machine.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

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Two dyslexics with machine guns run into a bank and yell

Air in the hands
Mother stickers this is a fuck up

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The Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!!

He really had a good time be...

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guy goes to the doctor ..

a guy goes to teh doctor .

doc says " well what seems to be the problem?"



guy says " its my elbow doc , its killing me !"



doc says " well a normal visit would have a $50 co-pay , but we have a new machine that can diagnose you just by peeing in a cup and the co-p...

What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a time machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian, and the other’s a Manned DeLorean!

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

Time machine back to 2019

Dr. Fauci is at the beach when he discovers a bottle, he opens it and a Genie appears.

The Genie says, "I have been trapped for 1000 years.
As a reward you can make a wish."

Dr. Fauci thinks about it and says - Get me time machine so that I can go to 2019 and stop the Chinese spr...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backayrd. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat...

Just one.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

Two sewing machines walk into a bar.

One says ‘Are you a singer?’

The other says ‘Sure, janome?’

There was an accident at a furniture factory last week - a guy fell into the sofa reupholstery machine.

...he is completely recovered now.

An alarm clock is a time machine.

You set it and wake up in the future!

Once there was an inflatable boy who lived in an inflatable house with his inflatable parents.

Every morning when the inflatable alarm rang, he would leap out of his inflatable bed and into the inflatable shower, then when he was dressed he would go and sit at the inflatable table in the kitchen to eat his inflatable breakfast, and then run off and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable s...

A Russian joke from HBO’s Chernobyl

What do you call something as big as a house, uses tons of gas, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?



A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces.

A blonde was at a gumball machine.

She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. "Shut up!" she said "I'm WINNING!"

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

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2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine

"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a clitorus like a pickle" says one of them.

"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"

"No," says the man "That sour"

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

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I recently went on Amazon looking for a popcorn machine.

After a few minutes of searching I settled on an 800W electric stainless steel popcorn machine for £45. As I added it to my basket, I saw that they had an upgrade to Amazon Prime called Amazon Prime X. It claimed to deliver your order in 20 minutes or less. I assumed it was bullshit but I had a free...

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

“You’re children’s clothes smell great. It’s like they just came out of the washing machine!!”

They did. They were screaming.

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

A married couple rushes to the hospital...

because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother‘s pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.

When the birthing process s...

A woman goes into labor...

A woman goes into labor and is taken to the hospital by her husband. They meet the doctor and the doctor says he has a new invention that will give a percentage of the labor pain from the mother to the biological father.

The woman is very excited and her husband reluctantly agrees. The woman...

Have you heard about the new bush-o-matic 3000?

It's the latest piece of kit where you can upload an image into the on-board computer, crop out the back ground, set the machine on the floor and point it towards the hedge of your choice.

You press "GO" and the machine flies up into the air and starts cutting out a 3D sculpture of the image...

We had an annoying kid named V in our school

Then we got a Vending machine.

I often say to myself...

“I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

What did the Led Zeppelin pinball machine say when the player hadn’t inserted payment?

No Quarter.

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

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Conversation with a mechanic

Mechanic: you used subpar fuel which corroded your intake injectors and manifold

Me: Uhh, English bro

Mechanic: low quality gas damaged your engine

Me: dumb it down for me kemosabe

Mechanic : Bad go-go juice made your vroom vroom machine all fucky

Me : oh fuck

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will"

Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer

What do you call a machine used to predict the answer of a mathematical question before it has been proposed?

A calcuearlier

Why should u buy a WiFi enabled espresso machine?

To get the latest Java updates

I bought a new white noise machine today!

It plays Weezer 24/7

Florence+The Machine replaced one of their members with a former Portuguese footballer.

They are now called Florence+The Maniche.

There's a new machine at the gym, it does absolutely everything

Soft drinks, potato chips, chocolate cookies and candy

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

I know loads of jokes about cash machines.

I just can't think of any ATM.

What do you call a mechanical encyclopedia?

A facts machine

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A third grade teacher assigns her students homework

They are to ask their parents for a story with a moral and share it the next day.
The next day the teacher calls on little Peggy-Sue. Peggy-Sue stands and says “My daddy told me about the chickens that we raise for slaughter. One day we bought 12 eggs and only 9 of them hatched. The moral of the...

Today our fax-machine died and no one cared

Zero fax given

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

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My time machine landed right into the middle of Hitler's living room in 1940.

I thought now’s my chance to change the world.

“Please sir,” I pleaded, “don’t gas the Jews. ”

“Gas the Jews?” Hitler replied, “h’mm, I hadn’t thought of that.”

Getting injured in America is kinda like an arcade machine

You gotta input more money or you die.

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A club I was at had a vending machine that dispensed packets of cologne. I put a quarter in it, turned the knob, and nothing came out.

I guess the machine was out of odor.

If Rage Against the Machine had a farm

Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Chicken Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow


COME WIT IT NOW!!!

Where do karaoke machines come from?

Singapore

Bill Clinton brings a dress to the dry cleaning

He asks "Anything you need to know?", but since it's loud from all the machines running, the worker doesn't understand him and asks "Come again?"

"No", said Clinton, "Tomato juice this time"

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

A chap Tours a factory that produces latex products.

A chap is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a ...

Faithful

After having died, a couple souls flied to the heaven gate, St.Pierre opened the door and informed that for one time of unfaithfulness to each other in their life they will be prod by a needle.
After being prod 5 times, the wife turned to St.Pierre and asked:
“Where is my husband?”
“He i...

What did the Scientist say when he saw his time machine?

"Ahh...this really takes me back."

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A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in t...

How did the branch feel when it was thrown into a machine?

Chipper

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Morning Briefing

The commanding officer of a regiment in the Army was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. 

He explained that his wife had been...

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

A man has found water while digging in his backyard

For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine and dug a deeper hole until he found water...

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A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Your butt is starting to look like and old washing machine."

She ignores him and keeps on walking.
Later that night, he is getting frisky and feeling her up. She turns around and tells him,

"Sorry your load is too small for this old washing machine, better do it by hand."

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