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Machine Jokes

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

A repairman was hired to repair a large machine in a factory.

He showed up, examined the machine, then tapped it once with a hammer. It started up. The factory owner was pleased, but not when he got a bill from the repairman for $100. He thought that was outrageous, and he asked for an itemized bill. So the repairman handed him a bill which said:

Tappin...

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

The CPAP machine instantly cured my sleep apnea

Can’t sleep at all with that thing on my face.

My sister who works at an upholstery factory fell into one of the machines yesterday….

Don’t worry she’s recovered

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.

He is reportedly shaken

Broken quiz machine for sale

No questions asked

What do you win at a Mongolian slot machine?

Yakpot.

My dad was working on some furniture and fell into the upholstery machine.

But don’t worry, he’s fully recovered.

I used to play around with time machines.

When I was older.

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

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Why did the idiot sit on a Xerox machine?

His doctor told him he needed a colon ass copy.

Blonde goes up to a Soda Machine

A Blonde walks up to a Soda
Machine, puts in a quarter and as the drink falls out she laughs.

Again, she puts in a quarter and as the soda falls out she laughes

She does this again and again, laughing hysterically every time. Eventually, catching the attention of a group of strang...

I finally fixed my time machine!

April Fool's! It's still broken.

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So, I was just in the laundry room, scooping the cat box, when a little turd rolled under the washing machine.

I guess you could say I really lost my shit.

I really want to tell a joke about cash machines

But I don't have one atm

What is Russia's greatest flying machine?

The turret.

Dogs can't operate MRI machines

But catscan

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. I called the cops because I think he must be a part of...

...some extreme mist group.

What kind of fuel does an X-ray machine use?

Unleaded

I have a friend who writes lyrics about sewing machines

She is a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams

They'll keep you bobbin your head.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

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My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what she's trying to say.

Waste of time (machine)

(To waste your time)

(I invented a Time Machine)

(At last)

(I did it)

(Heres the thing:)

(Which you are doing.)

(If you travel back in time)

(You’ll understand)

(Long) A man is forced to get a checkup by his health insurance. The doctor excitedly says “we just got this new machine that can accurately diagnose any condition you may have - you just need to pee in this cup…”

The man is like, “what the hell” and pee’s in the cup. The doc comes back with the results and says: “you have a strained elbow.” The man is enraged and says how THE HELL can you say I have a sprained elbow from my PEE?? The doc says, the machine is always accurate. The man “leaving the office fumin...

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Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the piss out of your pants.

Favourite machine at the gym.

When l first joined the gym l wanted to lose the excess pounds l was carrying. After a month, l asked the guy next to me what he thought my favourite machine was at the gym. He looked me up and down and said, the vending machine.

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

Why was a man standing in front of an ATM machine with only 1 leg?

He was checking his balance.

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A guy walks up to a soda machine, but a blonde is already there.

He waits as she puts in her quarters, presses the button and collects the drink. Instead of leaving, she puts more money, hits the button, and collects another drink.

This goes on for a couple of minutes, and finally the guy taps her on the shoulder and says “excuse me, what are you doing?”<...

Some Swedish tennis players come into this world born human, some born machine ...

and some bjorn borg.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a few loads in it.

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

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Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. 
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” 
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” 
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” 
Husband repli...

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

I spent the whole morning building a time machine

That’s 3 hours of my life I’m never going to get back

I tried reading a book about machines that drill large holes in the ground.

It was boring.

An animal rescuer, homeless shelter director, volunteer pediatrician, and ice cream machine repairman are waiting at the Pearly Gates

The animal rescuer meets Saint Peter who reviews her resume of thousands of animals she's saved. Shaking his head, he announces: "Denied."

Next is the homeless shelter director. Saint Peter looks over his resume, nods slightly, but still announces: "Denied."

The volunteer pediatricia...

What did the tropical bird say when he was asked to help operate an industrial machine?

"Don't worry, one bird usually can't operate this machine on his own.

But toucan."

Washing machine (long)

A young (but definitely over 18) Alabama girl is sitting on her front porch, with her skirt hiked all the way up and nothing on underneath. Young (but definitely over 18) Johnny walks by and can't believe what he sees. "Hey, Thelma Lou- what's that you got there?"

Thelma Lou replies- "Well, I...

What the difference between your mom and washing machine

The washing machine doesn’t get clingy after I drop a load in it.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine won’t follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

(Thank you for the award!)

A Machine Learning algorithm walks into a bar.

200 times.

>!But on the 201st iteration it managed to path around it. !<

>!On the 202nd iteration it became the bartender and all the other bartenders were fired. !<

The uprising of the machines

When the machines finally rise up and access my fitness bracelet data, they will realize that I am not a threat.

[NSFW] What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine?

You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you

If time is money, is an ATM a time machine?

I saw this in a magazine and wanted to share it with the world

A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.

My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.

Because I suck at tennis.

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What do you call a donkey drying machine?

An ass blaster

Imagine a Coin Machine, that doesn't make coins.

It doesn't make any cents!

What do you call a machine gun loaded with tranquilizers?

A Snuzi

HELP! My Time Machine is broken

It was working fine tomorrow but now it’s not

I have invented a machine for automated circumcision

The technology is cutting edge.

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

A New Machine

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not a twinge.

Later that day he went home to pick up a fe...

Dogs don’t know how to use an mri machine.

But catscan.

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.
He asks what time is it now.
A black guy stands up and says: ‘Half past seven !’
The grandpa says: Sit down son, I can see you are not a Russian.

My wife called me from the cash machine for the card's pin number

I said 7496

she said it didnt work

I said 7469

she said it didnt work

I said 4796

she said the machine took away the card

I said thank god

What time machine?

Watch out for the time machine!

What does an air freshener vending machine, say on the screen when it's empty?

"Out of odor"

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A woman is in a coma

and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ so the husband hurri...

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A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

Did you hear about the man who fell into the lens making machine?

He made a spectacle of himself.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”


Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”


Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”


Then the judge looks towards the...

My sister came home today and said "they have this great new machine at the gym.."

"it's got Malteasers, Twix, sodas, you name it!!"

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

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NSFW what does a woman and a washing machine have in common?

They both leak when they're fucked.

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In the past, there was no sex-machine.

Because they were all killed by the Luddite movement.

Did you here about the guy that feel into the upholstery machine?

Yes he is totally recovered now

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

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Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought..

A wife had just made her husband a nice breakfast as she was in need of a few things and her husband was just a complete A** Hole.

So, the husband is reading the paper, and the wife says, "Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought, well something is wrong with it, it won't go in...

Who keeps the children?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the jud...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

Just one.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

There’s a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It’s really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

The equalizer machine

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine, called the equalizer that would transfer a part of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. The father, being very ...

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What’s the difference between a vending machine and a buttcrack?

I’ve never put a quarter in a vending machine.

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Vending Machines

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your roo...

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania.

At noon, when the lunch whistle blows,


Two thousand men and women immediately
stop work and leave the building.


"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor.
"You've got to stop them."


"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. <...

Vending machine

A guy from the past travel to the future and sees a vending machine. He's confused so he asks a person how does it work. The person says "You first put a coin, then you click here and there you go" a can of Cola falls and the person takes it. The guy from the past gets exited so he brings out all hi...

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.

I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to g...

A married couple rushes to the hospital...

because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.

When the birthing process s...

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

The best thing about time machines ...

... is that you can buy it used and sell it new.

A family got a new Lie Detector Machine

The Machine Would buzz whenever a lie was told, so the Father decided to test it out at Dinner.
The father asked,

"What did you do with your lunch money today at school,son?"

" I just bought lunch"

The Machine buzzed, and the kid starting sweating as the Mom and Dad looked a...

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A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

"Bullshit!", he exclaims in response. "I haven't had a single drop...

What did captain Picard say to the sewing machine repairman?

Make it sew!

Washing Machine Repair

So my washing machine has been broken for a few weeks now. When you'd run it, it would get off balance during the spin cycle, causing it to make loud, metallic thumps and scoot across the laundry room.

I spent last weekend disassembling it to find the problem. I located the faulty part and or...

My dad just bought a new washing machine

What should we call her?

With my time machine, I traveled back to 1945 to show the inventor of Doc Martens my shiny new boots...

Do you think I created a Pair O' Docs?

What's the difference between a washing machine and Fox news?

No difference: They both spin dirty laundry till it smells better.

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