UPJOKE
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I really want to tell a joke about cash machines

But I don't have one atm

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

My sister who works at an upholstery factory fell into one of the machines yesterday….

Don’t worry she’s recovered

I have a friend who writes lyrics about sewing machines

She is a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams

They'll keep you bobbin your head.

A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says "through the miracles of science, we've invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?"

So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that it's only fair that they share the pain together.

They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says "ok listen I know this is going to be super painful so let's start it at about 3."...

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a few loads in it.

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

Why was a man standing in front of an ATM machine with only 1 leg?

He was checking his balance.

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A guy walks up to a soda machine, but a blonde is already there.

He waits as she puts in her quarters, presses the button and collects the drink. Instead of leaving, she puts more money, hits the button, and collects another drink.

This goes on for a couple of minutes, and finally the guy taps her on the shoulder and says “excuse me, what are you doing?”<...

I tried reading a book about machines that drill large holes in the ground.

It was boring.

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. I called the cops because I think he must be a part of...

...some extreme mist group.

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

I spent the whole morning building a time machine

That’s 3 hours of my life I’m never going to get back

A Machine Learning algorithm walks into a bar.

200 times.

>!But on the 201st iteration it managed to path around it. !<

>!On the 202nd iteration it became the bartender and all the other bartenders were fired. !<

I buy and sell old adding machines for profit but lately I've been losing money.

Something's not adding up.

An animal rescuer, homeless shelter director, volunteer pediatrician, and ice cream machine repairman are waiting at the Pearly Gates

The animal rescuer meets Saint Peter who reviews her resume of thousands of animals she's saved. Shaking his head, he announces: "Denied."

Next is the homeless shelter director. Saint Peter looks over his resume, nods slightly, but still announces: "Denied."

The volunteer pediatricia...

Washing machine (long)

A young (but definitely over 18) Alabama girl is sitting on her front porch, with her skirt hiked all the way up and nothing on underneath. Young (but definitely over 18) Johnny walks by and can't believe what he sees. "Hey, Thelma Lou- what's that you got there?"

Thelma Lou replies- "Well, I...

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

What did the tropical bird say when he was asked to help operate an industrial machine?

"Don't worry, one bird usually can't operate this machine on his own.

But toucan."

The uprising of the machines

When the machines finally rise up and access my fitness bracelet data, they will realize that I am not a threat.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines

But CAT scan

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

What the difference between your mom and washing machine

The washing machine doesn’t get clingy after I drop a load in it.

If time is money, is an ATM a time machine?

I saw this in a magazine and wanted to share it with the world

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

A redneck woman goes into a store to get a new washing machine

The salesman, eager to score some commission, snaps into his pitch with a broad smile; "We can load it up and send it over to your house today, and you won't pay anything for six months!"

The woman suddenly gets angry and says, "Who the hell told you about me?!"

My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.

Because I suck at tennis.

What do you call a machine gun loaded with tranquilizers?

A Snuzi

What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine won’t follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

(Thank you for the award!)

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My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what she's trying to say.

A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

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What do you call a donkey drying machine?

An ass blaster

I have invented a machine for automated circumcision

The technology is cutting edge.

Imagine a Coin Machine, that doesn't make coins.

It doesn't make any cents!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

How does Russia knows that Ukraine has "dirty" bombs?

Because they stole all of their washing machines.

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I've just finished my time machine, and the first thing I'm going to do...

...you know, I'm sick of all these trashy paintings by Adolf Hitler, I'm going to go back and make sure he never gets into art college.

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Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the piss out the knickers

What time machine?

Watch out for the time machine!

HELP! My Time Machine is broken

It was working fine tomorrow but now it’s not

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This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

A New Machine

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not a twinge.

Later that day he went home to pick up a fe...

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In the afternoon, a housewife was taking a break from housework.

Feeling horny, she pleasured herself with her vibrator.

Suddenly she heard someone open the front door. She quickly hid the vibrator and pulled up her pants.

It was her husband.

Her: "Honey, why are you coming home from work so early?"

Him: "I've been laid off. They don't...

Dogs don’t know how to use an mri machine.

But catscan.

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

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A group of aging Rockstars are hanging out and comparing who has received the most impressive gift…

They are in Roger Daltrey’s house and he is showing off an exquisite pinball machine.
“This Custom Tommy Pinball Machine was given to me by the Prime Minister of Sweden. He loved Tommy so much he had it specially made. The balls and all the metal fixtures are made of real Sterling Silver!”
<...

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Walking up the stairs behind Maria, John exclaims

“Wow, your ass is the size of a washing machine!”

Maria does not react to his comment. At night, John gets in the mood to make love and tells Maria, to which she replies:

“For such a small cloth I will not turn the machine on. You better hand-wash it!”

My wife called me from the cash machine for the card's pin number

I said 7496

she said it didnt work

I said 7469

she said it didnt work

I said 4796

she said the machine took away the card

I said thank god

"I don't even know what the cloning machine does"

Well, that makes two of us

What does an air freshener vending machine, say on the screen when it's empty?

"Out of odor"

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.
He asks what time is it now.
A black guy stands up and says: ‘Half past seven !’
The grandpa says: Sit down son, I can see you are not a Russian.

Did you here about the guy that feel into the upholstery machine?

Yes he is totally recovered now

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In the past, there was no sex-machine.

Because they were all killed by the Luddite movement.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

they gave lie detectors the wrong name.

Should have called then facts machines

The average hotdog machine will have 547,500 wieners in it and catch 4,277 gallons of juice in its trap during its lifetime.

Just like your mother.

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Woman goes to Green Groceries

Woman enters the green groceries and says "I would like a cucumber please"

Shop assistant asks if she wants it whole or sliced.

"I've got a fanny not a fucking slot machine" she replied.

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

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The Medical Kiosk

Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine...

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania.

At noon, when the lunch whistle blows,


Two thousand men and women immediately
stop work and leave the building.


"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor.
"You've got to stop them."


"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. <...

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

me: I'm going to build a time machine

**her *[eating the last donut]*:** what you gonna use it for?

**me *[eating the last donut]*:** righting wrongs

In the US they invented a machine which catches thieves.

It was sent out to different cities for testing.

In New York City, in 30 minutes, it caught 2000 thieves.

In Detriot, in 30 minutess, it caught 8000 thieves.

In Memphis, in 30 minutes, it caught 8500 thieves.

In Chicago, in 15 minutes, the machine was stolen.

What did captain Picard say to the sewing machine repairman?

Make it sew!

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NSFW what does a woman and a washing machine have in common?

They both leak when they're fucked.

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Vending Machines

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your roo...

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Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. 
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” 
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” 
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” 
Husband repli...

Why did the baker throw out his bread machine?

There was no knead for it.

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

With my time machine, I traveled back to 1945 to show the inventor of Doc Martens my shiny new boots...

Do you think I created a Pair O' Docs?

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

An army general needs some change

An Army general is standing before a vending machine on base, finding himself short on cash for a cold drink. He sees a nearby soldier and asks him, "Do you have any spare change?" The soldier replies, "Sure thing, man, I got a couple of quarters," and digs into his pocket.

The general narrow...

Women say I'm like a machine in bed

Just nuts and bolts

My brother wanted to get a white noise machine

I told him just to look up Karen videos on YouTube

My old office finally threw away those old printing machines and bought new ones.

I couldn't give a fax anymore.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."

If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.

If you were in the Army you think it means to go from r...

Washing Machine Repair

So my washing machine has been broken for a few weeks now. When you'd run it, it would get off balance during the spin cycle, causing it to make loud, metallic thumps and scoot across the laundry room.

I spent last weekend disassembling it to find the problem. I located the faulty part and or...

A physicist tries betting on horse races

The physicist could not get any job, so he decided to bet on horse races to make a living. He did intensive experimentation, and used state of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight. After filling many notebooks and accumulating a very large amount of data, he exclaims "I have the ...

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

A visit to the mint

A guy goes to visit the US mint to see how currency is created. During the tour he notices half the machines are not running. He decides to ask the tour guide what’s going on. The tour guide shakes his head and says, “Yesterday everything was working just fine, today it’s only printing bills, it jus...

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.





The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence...

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

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How my husband and I terrified a cab driver,,,

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and the theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat sc...

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

Why did the Broncos get rid of their vending machine?

Because they finally got their quarterback.

Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...

Went to my first rave last night. It was wild.

These kids act like they've never seen a CPAP machine.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

Kinda long

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the b...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

The government has developed machines that will pick litter up from the beach.

I saw one the other day, but unfortunately it was malfunctioning and was grabbing birds off the shoreline instead.

I thought "Well, that took a tern."

I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken.

It just had a sign on it that said "Out of Odor".

What's a washing machine's favorite song?

Twist and Shout

Broken quiz machine for sale...

No questions asked.

The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.

It’s always at the centre of a tension.

Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine

He made a spectacle of himself.

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

You only need to punch instructions into a drum machine once.

I was surprised to discover that machine gunners are unpopular.

They've been disliked for sentries.

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

Today I accidentally put my wallet in the washing machine

I suppose I'm now a money launderer

You’ve reached the answering machine for the tinnitus association

Please leave your message after the beep.

What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a time machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian, and the other’s a Manned DeLorean!

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

What happens when you put a drier sheet in the washing machine?

It becomes a wetter sheet.

(original joke. Can't find it anywhere)

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I just created a machine that turns any woman into a prostitute.

It's horrifying.

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I think I need to stop pissing around with my son's new time machine and get it wrapped up.

It's his birthday last month.

What's the difference between a washing machine and Fox news?

No difference: They both spin dirty laundry till it smells better.

My Time-Machine and I are Best Friends

We go way back

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

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A cumshot came out of the time machine...

It was a blast from the past

Vending machine

A guy from the past travel to the future and sees a vending machine. He's confused so he asks a person how does it work. The person says "You first put a coin, then you click here and there you go" a can of Cola falls and the person takes it. The guy from the past gets exited so he brings out all hi...

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