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Machine Jokes

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

A repairman was hired to repair a large machine in a factory.

He showed up, examined the machine, then tapped it once with a hammer. It started up. The factory owner was pleased, but not when he got a bill from the repairman for $100. He thought that was outrageous, and he asked for an itemized bill. So the repairman handed him a bill which said:

Tappin...

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Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. 
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” 
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” 
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” 
Husband repli...

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside

What’s the difference between my washing machine and my wife?

I don’t have to hug my washing machine after I put a load in it

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The Mystery Machine Crew.

Okay Fred, Shaggy & Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa?'

'Rhino !'

'We know you know, Scooby, but it's not your turn...

What did Captain Picard say to the engineer when the Enterprise's sewing machine broke?

Make it sew.

I saw a sketchy looking guy walking on the street with six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

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My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what she's trying to say.

The CPAP machine instantly cured my sleep apnea

Can’t sleep at all with that thing on my face.

Dogs can't operate an Mri machines...

But catscan

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

Broken quiz machine for sale

No questions asked

I really want to tell a joke about cash machines

But I don't have one atm

Waste of time (machine)

(To waste your time)

(I invented a Time Machine)

(At last)

(I did it)

(Heres the thing:)

(Which you are doing.)

(If you travel back in time)

(You’ll understand)

Every machine in the coin factory shut down suddenly with no explanation

It just didn’t make any cents

Why was the coach yelling at the vending machine?

He wanted his quarter back.

My sister who works at an upholstery factory fell into one of the machines yesterday….

Don’t worry she’s recovered

A man and his wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Ho...

My Vet told me yesterday that dogs can’t possibly operate the MRI machine.

But Catscan.

I finally fixed my time machine!

April Fool's! It's still broken.

What do you win at a Mongolian slot machine?

Yakpot.

What do you get when you cross Rage Against the Machine and a Tupperware party?

Bowls on parade!

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Smart Diagnosis Machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample a...

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Why did the idiot sit on a Xerox machine?

His doctor told him he needed a colon ass copy.

Washing machine (long)

A young (but definitely over 18) Alabama girl is sitting on her front porch, with her skirt hiked all the way up and nothing on underneath. Young (but definitely over 18) Johnny walks by and can't believe what he sees. "Hey, Thelma Lou- what's that you got there?"

Thelma Lou replies- "Well, I...

Favourite machine at the gym.

When l first joined the gym l wanted to lose the excess pounds l was carrying. After a month, l asked the guy next to me what he thought my favourite machine was at the gym. He looked me up and down and said, the vending machine.

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Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the piss out of your pants.

Today my coworker fell into the reupholstering machine at work

don't worry, he's fully recovered

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Female masturbation is like preparing coffee.

You can grind your beans by hand, but it's easier and faster to just use a machine.

Among all the machines out there, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine won’t follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

(Thank you for the award!)

I have a friend who writes lyrics about sewing machines

She is a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams

They'll keep you bobbin your head.

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

I used to play around with time machines.

When I was older.

What do they call it when two construction machines get into a physical altercation?

A CAT fight

Did you hear about the thousands of laundry machines that were found on the beach?

They washed a shore...

I write songs about sewing machines

I'm a Singer Songwriter

A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.

He must belong to an extreme mist organization.

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

My dad was working on some furniture and fell into the upholstery machine.

But don’t worry, he’s fully recovered.

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Vending Machines

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your roo...

A New Machine

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not a twinge.

Later that day he went home to pick up a fe...

The uprising of the machines

When the machines finally rise up and access my fitness bracelet data, they will realize that I am not a threat.

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A guy walks up to a soda machine, but a blonde is already there.

He waits as she puts in her quarters, presses the button and collects the drink. Instead of leaving, she puts more money, hits the button, and collects another drink.

This goes on for a couple of minutes, and finally the guy taps her on the shoulder and says “excuse me, what are you doing?”<...

What kind of fuel does an X-ray machine use?

Unleaded

Why was a man standing in front of an ATM machine with only 1 leg?

He was checking his balance.

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

What the difference between your mom and washing machine

The washing machine doesn’t get clingy after I drop a load in it.

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

Every machine is a smoke machine...

If you operate it wrong enough.

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

Washing Machine Repair

So my washing machine has been broken for a few weeks now. When you'd run it, it would get off balance during the spin cycle, causing it to make loud, metallic thumps and scoot across the laundry room.

I spent last weekend disassembling it to find the problem. I located the faulty part and or...

HELP! My Time Machine is broken

It was working fine tomorrow but now it’s not

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a Time Machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian and the other’s a manned DeLorean.

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Teacher: Will you please elaborate?

Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

Teacher: What is the true definition?

Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected t...

I spent the whole morning building a time machine

That’s 3 hours of my life I’m never going to get back

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

What do you call a machine gun loaded with tranquilizers?

A Snuzi

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

A Machine Learning algorithm walks into a bar.

200 times.

>!But on the 201st iteration it managed to path around it. !<

>!On the 202nd iteration it became the bartender and all the other bartenders were fired. !<

Vending machine

A guy from the past travel to the future and sees a vending machine. He's confused so he asks a person how does it work. The person says "You first put a coin, then you click here and there you go" a can of Cola falls and the person takes it. The guy from the past gets exited so he brings out all hi...

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An old bloke has just got out of a time machine...

... and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older, I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this cunt when he's younger, and force him to suck my cock.

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The incredible human machine

* It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

* One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

* The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

* Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

* A woman's heart beats faster than a man's....

I have invented a machine for automated circumcision

The technology is cutting edge.

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

I've invented a machine that prints money.

I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....


It makes no cents.

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What do you call a donkey drying machine?

An ass blaster

If time is money, is an ATM a time machine?

I saw this in a magazine and wanted to share it with the world

Some Swedish tennis players come into this world born human, some born machine ...

and some bjorn borg.

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.

He is reportedly shaken

My Time-Machine and I are Best Friends

We go way back

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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

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So, I was just in the laundry room, scooping the cat box, when a little turd rolled under the washing machine.

I guess you could say I really lost my shit.

I tried reading a book about machines that drill large holes in the ground.

It was boring.

What's a washing machine's favorite song?

Twist and Shout

My wife called me from the cash machine for the card's pin number

I said 7496

she said it didnt work

I said 7469

she said it didnt work

I said 4796

she said the machine took away the card

I said thank god

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In the past, there was no sex-machine.

Because they were all killed by the Luddite movement.

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

Did you here about the guy that feel into the upholstery machine?

Yes he is totally recovered now

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Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought..

A wife had just made her husband a nice breakfast as she was in need of a few things and her husband was just a complete A** Hole.

So, the husband is reading the paper, and the wife says, "Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought, well something is wrong with it, it won't go in...

Why did the baker throw out his bread machine?

There was no knead for it.

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Milking Machine

A guy visited his farmer friend at his farm. He saw the farmer milking the cows then the guy told him, how the hell you still use your hands for milking the cows!!! There are milking machines out there. It save time, efforts and cleaner. The farmer was convinced and both of them went to the city and...

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What’s the difference between a vending machine and a buttcrack?

I’ve never put a quarter in a vending machine.

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NSFW what does a woman and a washing machine have in common?

They both leak when they're fucked.

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.
He asks what time is it now.
A black guy stands up and says: ‘Half past seven !’
The grandpa says: Sit down son, I can see you are not a Russian.

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

I buy and sell old adding machines for profit but lately I've been losing money.

Something's not adding up.

What did the tropical bird say when he was asked to help operate an industrial machine?

"Don't worry, one bird usually can't operate this machine on his own.

But toucan."

My brother wanted to get a white noise machine

I told him just to look up Karen videos on YouTube

A family got a new Lie Detector Machine

The Machine Would buzz whenever a lie was told, so the Father decided to test it out at Dinner.
The father asked,

"What did you do with your lunch money today at school,son?"

" I just bought lunch"

The Machine buzzed, and the kid starting sweating as the Mom and Dad looked a...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

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