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In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling heroin on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?

Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

If time is money, is an ATM a time machine?

I saw this in a magazine and wanted to share it with the world

A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.

A redneck woman goes into a store to get a new washing machine

The salesman, eager to score some commission, snaps into his pitch with a broad smile; "We can load it up and send it over to your house today, and you won't pay anything for six months!"

The woman suddenly gets angry and says, "Who the hell told you about me?!"

What the difference between your mom and washing machine

The washing machine doesn’t get clingy after I drop a load in it.

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

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What do you call a donkey drying machine?

An ass blaster

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Imagine a Coin Machine, that doesn't make coins.

It doesn't make any cents!

My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.

Because I suck at tennis.

I tried to read a book about machines that drill large holes in the ground.

It was boring.

I have invented a machine for automated circumcision

The technology is cutting edge.

What time machine?

Watch out for the time machine!

A New Machine

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not a twinge.

Later that day he went home to pick up a fe...

What do you call a machine gun loaded with tranquilizers?

A Snuzi

What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine won’t follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

(Thank you for the award!)

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

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Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the piss out the knickers

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My new dog is a poop machine.

I tallied each pile as I cleaned up the yard. I stopped counting at 288, because that’s two gross.

HELP! My Time Machine is broken

It was working fine tomorrow but now it’s not

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.





The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence...

Dogs don’t know how to use an mri machine.

But catscan.

What do you call pasta that has shrunk in the washing machine?

Micro-ni

what did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back

My wife called me from the cash machine for the card's pin number

I said 7496

she said it didnt work

I said 7469

she said it didnt work

I said 4796

she said the machine took away the card

I said thank god

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I've just finished my time machine, and the first thing I'm going to do...

...you know, I'm sick of all these trashy paintings by Adolf Hitler, I'm going to go back and make sure he never gets into art college.

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer songwriter…

…or sew it seams

What does an air freshener vending machine, say on the screen when it's empty?

"Out of odor"

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My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what she's trying to say.

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In the past, there was no sex-machine.

Because they were all killed by the Luddite movement.

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.
He asks what time is it now.
A black guy stands up and says: ‘Half past seven !’
The grandpa says: Sit down son, I can see you are not a Russian.

In the US they invented a machine which catches thieves.

It was sent out to different cities for testing.

In New York City, in 30 minutes, it caught 2000 thieves.

In Detriot, in 30 minutess, it caught 8000 thieves.

In Memphis, in 30 minutes, it caught 8500 thieves.

In Chicago, in 15 minutes, the machine was stolen.

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How my husband and I terrified a cab driver,,,

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and the theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat sc...

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What’s the difference between a vending machine and a buttcrack?

I’ve never put a quarter in a vending machine.

The average hotdog machine will have 547,500 wieners in it and catch 4,277 gallons of juice in its trap during its lifetime.

Just like your mother.

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A man goes to his doctor to get the results of his last week's analyses.

Man : "... are you all right Doctor ? You seem very pale"

Doc : "..I...I... I just went to get your results and.... and...it seems the coffee machine won't be fixed until next weekend¨!"

Man : "Oh! Whew! I thought you were like this because of my results :)"

Doc (suddenly angry)...

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania.

At noon, when the lunch whistle blows,


Two thousand men and women immediately
stop work and leave the building.


"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor.
"You've got to stop them."


"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. <...

Did you here about the guy that feel into the upholstery machine?

Yes he is totally recovered now

What did captain Picard say to the sewing machine repairman?

Make it sew!

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."

If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.

If you were in the Army you think it means to go from r...

Washing Machine Repair

So my washing machine has been broken for a few weeks now. When you'd run it, it would get off balance during the spin cycle, causing it to make loud, metallic thumps and scoot across the laundry room.

I spent last weekend disassembling it to find the problem. I located the faulty part and or...

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Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex...

... they decide on a 'washing machine'.

Later in bed, that night husband says, "Washing machine."

Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head."

Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine."

Husband replies,

"Too late, it was on...

Repair

When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.

The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.

The tech suggested that someone might try reading the...

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

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A cop pulled over a bloke for speeding....

He goes up to the bloke and says

>And where do you think you're going at that speed this early in the morning.

The driver replies

>I'm going to work

To which the officer replies

>And what job requires you to get there this quick?

The driver thinking...

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Vending Machines

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your roo...

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One day at the end of class, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral of the story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm...

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

Why did the baker throw out his bread machine?

There was no knead for it.

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What sits at the end of the bed and takes the piss?

Kidney dialysis machine.

My old office finally threw away those old printing machines and bought new ones.

I couldn't give a fax anymore.

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NSFW what does a woman and a washing machine have in common?

They both leak when they're fucked.

"I don't even know what the cloning machine does"

Well, that makes two of us

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

My brother wanted to get a white noise machine

I told him just to look up Karen videos on YouTube

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

When I was a teenager…

…I worked as a bag boy in a southern supermarket (Publix). As one of the busiest stores, we were chosen to test making fresh squeezed juice in the store at customers’ request. As a social person, this sounded like a pretty cool job so I asked my manager if I could get some shifts on the juice machin...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

With my time machine, I traveled back to 1945 to show the inventor of Doc Martens my shiny new boots...

Do you think I created a Pair O' Docs?

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

me: I'm going to build a time machine

**her *[eating the last donut]*:** what you gonna use it for?

**me *[eating the last donut]*:** righting wrongs

A joke from Kyiv.

A Russian soldier calls home from Ukraine.

- Did you take Kyiv?
- No.
- Did you take Harkiv?
- No
- What did you take then?
- A blender, a washing machine and two fur coats

Women say I'm like a machine in bed

Just nuts and bolts

Why did the Broncos get rid of their vending machine?

Because they finally got their quarterback.

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

For her birthday I bought my wife a variety of vibrators...

A dishwasher, a washing machine and a lawn mower.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Treadmill joke.

So, I wake up early, drink some energy drinks and ride my treadmill to stay healthy. I'm feeling very confident with my workout and put in more time, running harder and for longer. Eventually I want to continue my success onto the rowing machine and so I start to wrap up, looking to the little scree...

The government has developed machines that will pick litter up from the beach.

I saw one the other day, but unfortunately it was malfunctioning and was grabbing birds off the shoreline instead.

I thought "Well, that took a tern."

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Marriage Counselling

A couple go to get counselling. The counsellor asks why they think they need counselling and before the man gets a chance to speak his wife starts.

"He’s always horny and often wants sex at the least convenient times."

"Ok!" says the counsellor "can you give me an example?"

The ...

The Story of Chekhov's Gun

A man brought his date back to his apartment.

"And this is my apartment. Would you like some alcohols? My roommate, Chekhov, has a whole bunch of alcohols. He likes to buy them."

"No thanks," said the woman who was wearing a red scarf.

"He also has a gun that is usually right th...

My crazy neighbour rang my doorbell aggressively at 3 A.M.

I almost dropped my drilling machine!

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It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

tech job

I heard this morning that I didn't get the job as an IT consultant that I applied for. They said I wasn't tech savvy enough. I was so angry that I went to the machine in my office and sent them really angry fax thingy.

I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken.

It just had a sign on it that said "Out of Odor".

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A Senior Customer

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"C'mon man.... give it ...

What's a washing machine's favorite song?

Twist and Shout

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

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A man walks into a bar…

Takes a seat and orders a drink. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the bar. He leans over to take one and is shocked to hear the peanuts talking to him.

‘Hey handsome, looking GOOD’

‘Did you lose weight? You’re looking really fit’

Confused, he accepts the praise and nurses his drin...

Broken quiz machine for sale...

No questions asked.

I was surprised to discover that machine gunners are unpopular.

They've been disliked for sentries.

The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.

It’s always at the centre of a tension.

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

There was a man

Who loved tractors. He lived in the countryside and his father had one. He had tractors post all over his walls, and his dream was to own one in the future.

Fast forward 20 years, he is married to a beautiful woman, and has a tractor.

One day however something horrible happens: his wif...

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Two friends run into each other

One of the friends has his face badly burned on both sides. Curious, the first guy asks him what happened to his face. The guy tells him that he was watching TV while his old lady was ironing clothes next to him, the phone rang and when he went to answer it, he picked up the ironing machine instead....

Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine

He made a spectacle of himself.

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

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A man got sent down to Hell and the Devil offered him a tour of three rooms.

"You can take a peek inside each room, but when you choose one," the Devil said, "choose wisely, because you're going to spend the rest of eternity in there."

The man took a peek inside Door #1. Inside there was a nice field of grass, but there was also a crowd of people moaning in agony as t...

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John was livid that his Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up...

John was livid that his Tickle-me Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up.

He picked up the latest Tickle-me Elmo puppet and noticed two fuzzy balls sewed between its legs.

John followed the assembly line to the source of the problem and he saw his new Employee, Sarah, surroun...

What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

You only need to punch instructions into a drum machine once.

What happens when you put a drier sheet in the washing machine?

It becomes a wetter sheet.

(original joke. Can't find it anywhere)

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took t...

You’ve reached the answering machine for the tinnitus association

Please leave your message after the beep.

A farmer gets a knock at his door late into the evening

Outside in the rain was a homeless man that begged to stay in the farmer's barn and work for food and shelter.

The farmer invites the man in and said "I wouldn't make you sleep in the barn. Especially while you're all wet. Come inside."

The homeless man is shocked by the farmer's gener...

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

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I think I need to stop pissing around with my son's new time machine and get it wrapped up.

It's his birthday last month.

What's the difference between a washing machine and Fox news?

No difference: They both spin dirty laundry till it smells better.

Today I accidentally put my wallet in the washing machine

I suppose I'm now a money launderer

Russian Ministry of Communication announces proof that Putin invented the telephone.

Played recording of three messages on answering machine left by Alexander Graham Bell.

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I just created a machine that turns any woman into a prostitute.

It's horrifying.

An old washing machine

Husband is walking behind his wife and says "your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."
The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. Yo...

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Little Johnny and the moral lesson

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taki...

I bought a rowing machine even after my wife said I'd never use it.

The joke's on her. I'm in great shape now, and all I do is row, row, row and gloat.

What do you call a skunk with a machine gun?

Pepe la Pew-Pew

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

There was a seamstress who wanted to be a singer…

One day, she found a bottle, rubbed it, and inside was a genie. The genie granted her 3 wishes. Her 1st wish was “I want to be a singer”.

Her wish was granted, and she was turned into a sewing machine.

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A cumshot came out of the time machine...

It was a blast from the past

Vending machine

A guy from the past travel to the future and sees a vending machine. He's confused so he asks a person how does it work. The person says "You first put a coin, then you click here and there you go" a can of Cola falls and the person takes it. The guy from the past gets exited so he brings out all hi...

What’s a washing machine’s favorite state to live in?

Washington

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a time machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian, and the other’s a Manned DeLorean!

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has came up with a new machine to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others , they have named it in honour of Putin who funded the project

It is called RARA’s Grasp-Putin, Russia’s greatest glove machine

My Time-Machine and I are Best Friends

We go way back

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

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