I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping he...

Dogs cant operate an MRI machine

but cat scan

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

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Two dyslexics with machine guns run into a bank and yell

Air in the hands
Mother stickers this is a fuck up

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

There was an accident at a furniture factory last week - a guy fell into the sofa reupholstery machine.

...he is completely recovered now.

“You’re children’s clothes smell great. It’s like they just came out of the washing machine!!”

They did. They were screaming.

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2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine

"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a clitorus like a pickle" says one of them.

"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"

"No," says the man "That sour"

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

A blonde was at a gumball machine.

She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. "Shut up!" she said "I'm WINNING!"

What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a time machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian, and the other’s a Manned DeLorean!

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

I bought a new white noise machine today!

It plays Weezer 24/7

Two sewing machines walk into a bar.

One says ‘Are you a singer?’

The other says ‘Sure, janome?’

My Time-Machine and I are Best Friends

We go way back

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

Florence+The Machine replaced one of their members with a former Portuguese footballer.

They are now called Florence+The Maniche.

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

There's a new machine at the gym, it does absolutely everything

Soft drinks, potato chips, chocolate cookies and candy

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

It's ok, he's fully recovered!

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A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in t...

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

How do you get a washing machine to shut up?

Put a sock in it

What do you call a machine used to predict the answer of a mathematical question before it has been proposed?

A calcuearlier

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

I write songs about sewing machines...

I'm a singer song writer

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

Getting injured in America is kinda like an arcade machine

You gotta input more money or you die.

Why was 1000 afraid of 0111

0111
1000
1001

I hope this joke gains traction when machines takes over the world

What machine is the most honest?

A fax machine, because it be spittin' straight facts.

Today our fax-machine died and no one cared

Zero fax given

I know loads of jokes about cash machines.

I just can't think of any ATM.

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A club I was at had a vending machine that dispensed packets of cologne. I put a quarter in it, turned the knob, and nothing came out.

I guess the machine was out of odor.

Where do karaoke machines come from?

Singapore

Why should u buy a WiFi enabled espresso machine?

To get the latest Java updates

What do you call a nun who is a washing machine?

Sista Matic

I don’t know if this is original but my dad told this to me many years back.

A company decides to enlist a few people to help with the running of their factory, A Swiss for the time, a German for leadership, a French for the food and a Chinese for the supplies. On the first day the German walks around the factory looking at everyone and everyone is doing their jobs, he sees ...

If Rage Against the Machine had a farm

Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Chicken Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow


COME WIT IT NOW!!!

What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?

I feel like a Million Bucks!!!

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

How did the branch feel when it was thrown into a machine?

Chipper

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My time machine landed right into the middle of Hitler's living room in 1940.

I thought now’s my chance to change the world.

“Please sir,” I pleaded, “don’t gas the Jews. ”

“Gas the Jews?” Hitler replied, “h’mm, I hadn’t thought of that.”

Why did the perpetual machine finally call off work?

Motion sickness

I like my cysts like I like my vending machine slots

Benign

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A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Your butt is starting to look like and old washing machine."

She ignores him and keeps on walking.
Later that night, he is getting frisky and feeling her up. She turns around and tells him,

"Sorry your load is too small for this old washing machine, better do it by hand."

What did the Scientist say when he saw his time machine?

"Ahh...this really takes me back."

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Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.


He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and t...

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.

"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead." So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you lef...

My friend invented a machine that turns sheep shearings into cherries. If you put in black wool, you get black cherries. If you put in white wool, you get maraschino cherries.

Red wool gives you bings.

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't spit my load out when it's done

When the mystery machine runs out of gas, who has to refill the tank?

Scooby-Doo!



I've been creating jokes for over 30 years. This is the first family-friendly joke I've ever written. Plz be gentle.

Wait a minute, Doc! Are you telling me you built a time machine out of a Beskar minivan?

Yes Marty! It's a Van-DeLorean!

What sort of machine is big as a house, consumes 20 gallons of fuel per hour, produces a whole lot of smoke and noise, can run for one hour for every ten hours of maintenance, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?

A soviet machine built to cut apples into 4 pieces.

My mother just got a sewing machine

Needles to say, she was sattisfied

So I was at the laundromat the other day

I went to the change machine to get some quarters. It took my bill but nothing came back out.

And I thought, "that doesn't make cents."

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

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Mrs. Clarke has been in a coma for 18 months..

A nurse is giving Mrs. Clarke a wash when she notices that the patient moves a little when she washes her genitals.

Again the nurse brushes over her genitals with a cloth and again Mrs. Clarke, disturbs gently.

The nurse calls the patients husband and he immediately goes to the hospi...

Accident

I was reading about this guy who was in an accident at work. Apparently he lost his left leg and left arm in machine on the factory floor.

After spending eight weeks in the hospital he’s now all right.

When the Mystery Machine gets a flat, who gets out to change the tire?

Scooby-do

Did you hear about the remote-controlled weather machine China developed?

It takes full control of a blizzard's direction in just a few keystrokes.

- I just build a machine that produces knives

- Is it any good?

- It's cutting edge technology.

Why are fax machines mean to others?

Because fax don’t care about your feelings

I've got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine

I hope it bares fruit.

I found a tumor in the vending machine.

Don't worry though, it was B9.

What do you call it when I might be pregnant and can't afford something from the vending machine?

A day late and a dollar short

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What's the difference between an outdoor cleaning machine and a person who likes to give oral sex to Canadian men?

There isn't one. They're both leafblowers.

A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"

ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."

Int.: What's 6 + 10?

ML E.: Zero.

Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!

ML E.: Okay, it's 16.

Int.: What's 10 + 20?

ML E.: It's 16.

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A wise man once said “When the rise of the machine happens...

Make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory.”

My friend told me he didn't know what the cloning machine does.

I replied, "That makes two of us."

so a father bought a lie detector machine and he asked his son "did you go to school today"

He said "yes" the machine beeps

then he says "okay okay i went to the movies with some friends" \*beep\*

Finally he admits "fine i went out drinking with some buddies"

the father says "when i was your age i didn't do anything like that" \*beep\*

then the mother says "wow ...

We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

I built a machine that tickles you.

I have been asking people to try it. But nobody seems to want to try some test tickles.

To all those who work with machinery please remember!

Any machine can be a smoke machine if used improperly enough!

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

What do you call a Jewish Mr. Coffee machine?

A He Brew

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Got fired from the butchers today for putting my dick in the mince machine.

She got fired as well..

I'm glad we haven't invented the time machine yet

Last thing i'd want is my work getting outsourced to a medieval era person.

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

There’s a new machine down at the gym today,

I used it for an hour and felt sick, it’s great though, got everything, KitKats, M&Ms, Snickers, the lot!

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Milking Machine

A guy visited his farmer friend at his farm. He saw the farmer milking the cows then the guy told him, how the hell you still use your hands for milking the cows!!! There are milking machines out there. It save time, efforts and cleaner. The farmer was convinced and both of them went to the city and...

I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a guy on the rowing machine

He didn't like being whipped

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

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Guy goes to the doctor complaining of tennis elbow...

Doctor says to him that because of social distancing, he’s got this new machine that can diagnose anything with just a urine sample and just drop it off at his convenience.

The guy is upset and just wants his tennis elbow looked at, so he pees in a cup, has his wife and daughter pee in the s...

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back.

What's the best thing about building a time machine for a school project?

You can take as long as you want and still get it in by the due date.

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Now I'm not saying my dentist is a sex machine

I'm just saying he REALLY knows how to fill a cavity.

Funny Answering Machine Messages

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

What was the Luddite's favorite band?

Rage Against the Machine.

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Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane

So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand.
"listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine."
Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound se...

A guy goes to a barbershop

The barber claims to have a new machine that can cut everyone’s hair equally well.

“But that’s ridiculous!” Says the customer, “not everyone has the same size and shaped head!”

The barber responds, “They do afterward”

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...

"I have what it takes."

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

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A bloke has just got out of a time machine and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this twat as a kid, and force him to suck my cock.

Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?

Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.

Next he asked the redhead to test it. She...

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An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail...

What did Captain Picard say to the quilting machine repairman?

Make it sew.

John's answering machine

"Hi. You've reached John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, *please* send money. If you are my financial aid institution you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money! If you are female, don't worry, I have plenty of money"

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I o...

Hillbillies

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'...

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