I write songs about sewing machines

I'm a Singer Songwriter

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?

” He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

My dad fell into an upholstery machine last week.

He’s fully recovered now.

Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine

He made a spectacle of himself.

Do you know the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

The washing machine can only handle one load at a time.

"I don't even know what the cloning machine does"

Well, that makes two of us

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

You only need to punch instructions into a drum machine once.

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I just created a machine that turns any woman into a prostitute.

It's horrifying.

An old washing machine

Husband is walking behind his wife and says "your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."
The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. Yo...

What do you call a lamb with a machine gun?

Lambo

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I think I need to stop pissing around with my son's new time machine and get it wrapped up.

It's his birthday last month.

You’ve reached the answering machine for the tinnitus association

Please leave your message after the beep.

What's the difference between a washing machine and Fox news?

No difference: They both spin dirty laundry till it smells better.

What’s the difference between your washing machine and your wife

You don’t have to say I love you every time you put a load in the washing machine

Dr. Meason invented a time-reversal machine. When he turned on the machine

machine the on turned he When .machine reversal-time a invented Meason Dr.

 

*^My ^dad ^tells ^me ^the ^source ^is ^Philip ^K. ^Dick.

Today I accidentally put my wallet in the washing machine

I suppose I'm now a money launderer

Why can't you crack death jokes near an ECG machine?

Because ECG draws a line there

The machine at the coin factory stopped working..

It doesn't make any cents!

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Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. 
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” 
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” 
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” 
Husband repli...

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”


Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”


Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”


Then the judge looks towards the...

Humans have evolved to longer need heads, being mostly machine. However, one remained in a museum to be preserved for generations.

I guess you could say it was a head of its time.

A butcher slicing bacon backed up into his machine.

He got a little behind in his orders.

What's a tiger running a copying machine called?

A copycat

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There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Every-time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine."

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, "Washing machine." The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.

A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispe...

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

What’s a washing machine’s favorite state to live in?

Washington

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

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A cumshot came out of the time machine...

It was a blast from the past

Vending machine

A guy from the past travel to the future and sees a vending machine. He's confused so he asks a person how does it work. The person says "You first put a coin, then you click here and there you go" a can of Cola falls and the person takes it. The guy from the past gets exited so he brings out all hi...

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

DOCTOR WHO: I have a time machine.

**DOCTOR WHOM:** the time machine is owned by me.

>!**DOCTOR WHOMST:** the time apparatus hereby hath mine name.!<

I just saw a sketchy guy buying a bunch of smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

Among all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always at the centre of a tension.

A worker at the Zippo factory is showing their boss how the new machine works.

Suddenly, the lights go out. Wanting to finish the demonstration quickly, they try to continue with only the emergency lighting.

"The lights are too dim, I can't see what you're doing" the boss complains.

"I have an idea", says the worker. "Let's turn the machine on. "

The bos...

A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer, were each sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest went first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."

The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot.

The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's h...

10 years ago I went to the opticians for an eye test. He asked to look into this big machine & tell him what I could see. I said I can see a fella eating a bat, closed pubs & everyone seems to be wearing face masks!

The optician said I don't need glasses as I have 2020 vision!

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

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After seeing Machine Gun Kelly’s success switching genres, Korn has decided to put out a new experimental album

It will be called PopKorn

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”

She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir...”

Someone misprogrammed the vending machine at work

It says "Ice Could" instead of "Ice Cold". My first thought was, "Should it, though?"

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.

The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50%, and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can't feel anything. The Doctor, no...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

A Dad and Son were busy chopping down a tree out the front of their house...

Once chopped down, they began putting the branches into a wood chipper.

“Careful!” the Dad snapped, “I’ve told you before, don’t stand too close otherwise you’ll be completely covered in wood chips and dust.”

“Yes Dad,” sighed the Son. He’d been told off all day.

An Irishman,...

Tech company mission statements be like

We're a customer centric organization and we deliver the value of IOT, cloud, big data, blockchain, machine learning, and artificial intelligence by using design thinking to drive digital transformation for the connected enterprise.

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

My wife was really disappointed when she found out why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine”.

It was because I was terrible at tennis.

I made a DIY machine that measures physical attractiveness.

Due to my poor design, the results were not pretty.

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

Who does a ladder call for help if it gets stuck in a washing machine?

Its step ladder.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

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Therapist: You are addicted to using the cloning machine

Us: No we aren’t

I was in the Gym today using this new machine they got, I could only manage an hour on it and after I was throwing up...

It's called the vending machine.

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A letter from an Irish mother

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 2...

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But CATscan

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

After turning off the constantly beeping machine, my grandpa finally slept better

No idea why the doctors and nurses were screaming though

I think people who drive farming machines have a place.

You could say I'm protractor.

me getting out of time machine I did it

Her did what

me I killed the guy who invented punctuation marks

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A woman scolds her husband for not fixing the washing machine...

He scoffs at her and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag man?". The washing machine goes unfixed. Later that week, the pipes under the sink keep getting backed up so she asks her husband to fix that. He rolls his eyes and says, What do I look like, Mr. Clean?". A couple days later, she notices a ...

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The Lie Detector Joke

One day, a couple buys a lie detector machine which slaps you when you lie.

The woman looks at the machine and says to her husband "Honey, have you ever cheated on me?"

The man says "Never!" and instantly gets bitch-slapped.

"HOW COULD YOU?!?" the woman replies in horror and sur...

I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.

It was a casual T.

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Me and my little brother tested out a new lie dectector machine.

The lie detector only buzzes when a truth is told and does nothing else when a lie is told

My litlle brother was so exited and he wanted to try it out first. So I let him go. He told a truth saying "My favourite game is baseball!" and the detector buzzed. Then I said its my turn now. "No! On...

My Time-Machine and I are Best Friends

We go way back

Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

You can drop a load in a washer and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.

One Finn

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and con...

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping he...

What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a time machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian, and the other’s a Manned DeLorean!

Every machine is a smoke machine...

If you operate it wrong enough.

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The Man and the Machine

One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the Sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day,...

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

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Two dyslexics with machine guns run into a bank and yell

Air in the hands
Mother stickers this is a fuck up

Graybeard engineer

The Graybeard engineer retired and a few weeks later the Big Machine broke down, which was essential to the company’s revenue.  The Manager couldn’t get the machine to work again so the company called in Graybeard as an independent consultant.

Graybeard agrees. He walks into the factory, take...

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

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A man is resting on a Saturday

A man is resting on a Saturday when his wife comes in, wakes him up and tells him she needs laundry detergent.
He reluctantly gets up, gets dressed and exits his apartment on the 10th floor. He presses the elevator button only to find out it’s broken, he goes down the stairs and goes to the supe...

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The Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!!

He really had a good time be...

Which machine is the worst and best at what it does?

A vacuum... It just sucks

It worked!

Brb, testing out my new time machine.

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

Why should you always trust fax machines?

Cuz they be straight up spitting fax all the time

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

To get to the time machine.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

Two sewing machines walk into a bar.

One says ‘Are you a singer?’

The other says ‘Sure, janome?’

There was an accident at a furniture factory last week - a guy fell into the sofa reupholstery machine.

...he is completely recovered now.

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2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine

"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a clitorus like a pickle" says one of them.

"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"

"No," says the man "That sour"

A blonde was at a gumball machine.

She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. "Shut up!" she said "I'm WINNING!"

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

A dying man wants to prevent his family from inheriting his wealth. So he entrusts the money to his three closest friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

He gives each friend an envelope with $1,000,000 in cash, and makes them all swear to bury the money with him when he dies. They all shake hands and solemnly agree.

A few months later the man dies, and the three friends place their envelopes in the casket.

Later, privately, the doctor...

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Tennis elbow

Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test. He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
"Hey John, that tennis elbow...

Why should u buy a WiFi enabled espresso machine?

To get the latest Java updates

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

“You’re children’s clothes smell great. It’s like they just came out of the washing machine!!”

They did. They were screaming.

What do you call a machine used to predict the answer of a mathematical question before it has been proposed?

A calcuearlier

What did the Led Zeppelin pinball machine say when the player hadn’t inserted payment?

No Quarter.

2 Yetis meet on a dating app

2 Yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other European. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily ob...

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

I bought a new white noise machine today!

It plays Weezer 24/7

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

I know loads of jokes about cash machines.

I just can't think of any ATM.

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

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A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

‟Bullshit!”, he exclaims in response. ‟I haven’t had a single dro...

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My time machine landed right into the middle of Hitler's living room in 1940.

I thought now’s my chance to change the world.

“Please sir,” I pleaded, “don’t gas the Jews. ”

“Gas the Jews?” Hitler replied, “h’mm, I hadn’t thought of that.”

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guy goes to the doctor ..

a guy goes to teh doctor .

doc says " well what seems to be the problem?"



guy says " its my elbow doc , its killing me !"



doc says " well a normal visit would have a $50 co-pay , but we have a new machine that can diagnose you just by peeing in a cup and the co-p...

There's a new machine at the gym, it does absolutely everything

Soft drinks, potato chips, chocolate cookies and candy

Today our fax-machine died and no one cared

Zero fax given

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