A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

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A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald’s ice cream machine

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

Why does a football coach angrily kick the vending machine?

He wants his quarterback.

The Single Use Time Machine

A scientist invites his friend over to his lab to ask help him decide what to do.

Scientist: So, I've invented a single use time machine and I need help deciding what to do.

Friend: Well, isn't that obvious? You've gotta kill Hitler.

Scientist: Are you sure? Think about what ...

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.

​

The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.

​

He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small,...

Which is the angriest machine ever?

the venting machine...

What do you call a machine that makes kids fall asleep?

A kidnapper

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy in my town is hiding from the cops after he was caught having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

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A scientist invented a machine that turns aged wine into fresh wine that hasn't aged at all.

"Eureka! I've finally made it, the machine to turn old wine into new wine!" says the scientist.

"We'll see if your invention is worth giving notice." says his colleague.

And so he tested it out for the last time. He went to the wine cellar in the basement and took some of the oldest wi...

Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesnt follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

What do you say to an angry woman sitting at a sewing machine?

You seem stressed.

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine.

He was soda pressed.

The Pain Machine

There was a married couple who have been trying to have kids for a while and they kept loosing their children during pregnancy.

This was her third pregnancy and her water breaks.

Her husband rushes her to the hospital as he can see his wife is in great pain.

Once they get the...

A time machine goes to the hospital.

The doctor enters and goes to 2017. He finds a caveman inside and returns to the present day.

The doctor says, "Sorry sir, but you have an ana-chronic disease."

Did you hear about Mike Tyson’s new band where he plays the sewing machine?

They really utilize their thimbles.

I finally made a machine that can run forever!

"how do you know it will run forever?"


"Because it runs on r/jokes complaining about reposts"

What religion is a coffee machine?

He-brew.

I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries.

The good news is he's now fully recovered

What kind of machine never lies?

A facts-machine

A Procrastinator Built A Time Machine

Well, not yet, but he's planning on getting started last week.

If I had a time machine...

I'd go back in time and post this joke as soon as r/Jokes was created.

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But Catscan

time machine.

I think I’ve just invented the very first-

I was going to show you a video about a drill machine digging a tunnel.

But it's too boreing.

Why do tennis players love vending machines?

Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.

A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine

There is a message from his doctor.

"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"

The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.

The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a mess...

A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.

He must belong to an extreme mist organization.

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.

Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. It's good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!

Sharing a washing machine in college

I was going to the college laundry room to wash my clothes and noticed someone left their clothes in the dryer that I had booked.

Naturally I just went to take it out, but just as I did, a girl walked in, and saw me with my arms full of her towels and underwear.

She gave me a very we...

In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.

Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.

Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.

The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a ve...

Speaking of PET scans, did you guys hear about the new law they passed in Oregon where dogs can no longer operate MRI machines?

Apparently cats can.

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

I never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

I have hundreds of jokes about cash machines

I just can’t think of one atm

What's the difference between a small problem and a machine that suffocates you?

One's a spot of bother and the other's a bot of smother.

What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn't call me for 3 weeks after i dump my load in it.

I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

Girl, did you fall from a vending machine?

Cause you look like you accept quarters

Why did the man buy a coin printing machine?

It just made cents

I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft.

I just conduit.

Hit my head opening the washing machine this morning

Bosch

A half man half machine, a princess, an animal like boy and a clown are trying to save their friend from her abusive father who is inside her

Teen titans was a great show

I asked my personal trainer which machine I should use at the gym to impress the ladies..

She looked me up and down and then said, "The ATM."

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I want to create a machine that would smash two boners together at nearly the speed of light.

I'll call it the Large Hard-on Collider

Now that Laundry Folding Machine has been invented

Theres no used getting married.

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

My friend bought a used coin making machine

Him: "It doesn't work anymore, but I bought it anyway."
Me: "Why would you do that?? It doesn't make cents!"

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and
keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the
husband starts getting
amorous.
Wife says: "I'm not starting
the old washing machine for
such a small load. You'll have
to do it by hand!"

The new machine at the gym is my favourite...

It has snicker, skittles, kit kats and twix

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Dad loves his new CPAP machine

He says it’s the first time in 20 years that he’s had a blowjob every night.

I wish my husband's 1 minute is the same as my washing machine's 1 minute.

Where you lost track of time waiting for it to be over.

What do vending machines, explosives and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common?

C4, and there's a chance someone might get hurt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy invents a time machine...

A guy runs into the the room panicking and says to his friend “I just fucked up!”

“Why?” His friend asks

He replies “I just invented a time machine, I went back in time and slept with my own mother “

His friend says “it’s not your fault, she was probably much younger and you di...

I finally learned how coin minting machines work

It all makes cents now.

I write songs about sewing machines

I'm a Singer Songwriter

I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.

I've finished my time machine, but there is one glitch.

What does the White House use when their fax machine breaks?

Alternative fax

A farmer buys a new machine..

It's designed for extracting milk from the udders of cows. He tries it out on a few cows and figures 'Wow this is great, I don't have to get my hands dirty at all!'
After seeing the machine in action, a thought flashes through his head involving his most basic human desires and before you know it...

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Why can't anybody win at a Frozen claw machine?

Because it will always let it go

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Vending machines are like arseholes

I got my arm stuck in one once.

Why would nobody like a soda machine as a politician?

Too self-serving

I’ve just finished inventing a time machine...

...I’m going to get started on it tomorrow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes.

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO FUCKED MY WIFE?". The entire bar falls silent until a guy in the back yells "You didn't brin..." just to be cut off by the angry guy who yells back "THIS HAS BEEN REPOSTED SO MAN...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...

But bricks are free if you look hard enough and you can get everything, from every vending machine!

Edit 1: price

Edit 2: price again

My brother fell into an upholstery machine.

It's okay. He's completely recovered.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartmen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeepe...

Did you hear about the Smiths' tradition of carving the names of the people next in line to the family fortune into their old weaving machine?

It's a family heirloom.

I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.

I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to g...

I bought a second hand time machine,

and I'll tell ya, they don't make them like they used to fifty years from now.

A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home

When the son comes home:

Dad - So you were at school right?

Son - yeah

Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends

Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - ....I was having a few beers with my friends

Dad - What??? When I was your age I ...

I gave my dwarf friend a call but it rang through to his answering machine.

"Hey! I'm sorry I can't reach the phone right now, please leave a message!"

[Pick Up-Line] Did it hurt when you fell from a vending machine?

Cus you a snack

A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?'

The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

I learned recently that people aren't hospitable to water dispensing machines...

Just let that sink in.

There are many already outstanding reasons not to leave one's automated cloning machine out in the forest...

...but the obvious bears repeating.

I got up the courage to try the change machine at the laundromat today

But it must be out of order

my life is still the same

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​

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What's a laundry machine's favourite chocolate?

Lindt

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

I made a time machine to travel back to the year 2001. You see my son had his first soccer game then, and I missed it only to show up 10 minutes after it ended.

When I go back to the past I'll tell myself that it isn't worth ditching work for and that the little dumbass loses the game anyways.

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store.

After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient.

"Excuse m...

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The Machine

The Machine

Two criminally insane robotics engineers, Frank and Ned, are working on their mad personal robotics projects in their jointly rented workshop. Though both are criminally insane geniuses, neither can afford to rent a warehouse of their own, so they pitch in together and share one w...

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

I just watched a terrible documentary on how to build a time machine.

That’s an hour of my life that I’ll probably get back.

Did you hear about the mean woman who died after falling into a sausage making machine in Germany?

She was the wurst...

I've invented a machine that prints money.

I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....


It makes no cents.

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hotel Vending Machine

One time I was in a hotel and I was trying to get something out of one of those vending machines where you pull the rod corresponding to your selection. It was stuck so I was pulling and pulling and pulling when my hand slipped off the knob. A very buxom young lady was walking past and my elbow acci...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Prostitutes are like really expensive arcade machines...

As long as you keep paying, you can keep playing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dairy farmer decided to boost productivity on his farm so he ordered a high-tech milking machine.

As his wife was out of town when it was delivered, he decided to test it on himself first and see if it gave him any pleasure.

So he inserted his penis into the machine, turned it on, and everything else was automatic.

It didn't take long before he realized the equipment provided him w...

Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.

It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.

The factory of the future will have only two employees...

...the man and the dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man away from the machines.