On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

3 nuns died in a car accident.

They reached to the gates of heaven but St.Peter said "so I know you are people of the cloth but I decided that I am not going to just let people in, I'm going to give you a test".


So he goes to the youngest nun and says "who was the first man on earth". Nun 1: "Adam" a hand reaches ...

A wealthy woman had lost her right hand and left foot in a car accident.

Her doctor told her that he would have her new prosthetics ready the next day. She sent her servant to go pick them up from the hospital. The servant was a couple hours early. The servant waited on her hand and foot.

My insurance agent told me that I'm most likely to be involved in a car accident when I'm within a mile of my home.

So I've decided to move to a safer neighborhood.

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You guys hear that Lorena Bobbitt got into a car accident yesterday?

Some dick cut her off.

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A man who killed 16 people in a car accident is in the court

The judge asks him to tell exactly what happened. The guy starts calmly.

\- Well, I was driving my truck down the road but my brakes failed. In front of me there were two choices: On the left there was an old guy who was crossing the road and on the right there was a crowded bus stop. So i de...

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got B...

Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents

Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side.

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A man got an urgent message at work saying his wife had been in a car accident and was in the hospital.

So the man rushed to the hospital and was met in the lobby by the surgeon who had just operated on his wife.

Doctor: I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir but the damage to you wife's spinal cord was catastrophic. She'll never walk again. In fact she'll most likely be a helpless invalid for ...

A priest and a rabbi have a car accident....

Shortly before shabbat (Friday night) , two drivers – one a rabbi and the other a priest – are in a horrible collision, and both cars are totaled. By what only can be described as a miracle, the two men are unscathed. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, ...

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A guy gets into a terrible car accident.

Late in the night he finally regains consciousness. He finds himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering him. She gives him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he hears her slowly say "I’m sorry but you ma...

Three nuns get into a car accident.

All three die and are awaiting St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter arrives.

"All three of you must each answer a bible trivia question to proceed inside." He looks at the first and youngest nun. "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

"Easy. Her name was Eve." states the younge...

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My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job

She probably shouldn’t have been driving

How did the car accident happen?

My wife fell asleep in the backseat

Did you hear about the guy who lost his entire left side in a car accident?

He's alright now

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye.Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he's temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him u...

Blonde in a car accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furiou...

My father's friend died in an car accident.

My father took me to his friend's funeral even though I didn't knew anyone of the people who attended that funeral. Few moments later a gentleman stood beside me and said,

Man- Hey kid, enjoy your life to your fullest and never give up in your life. These are the days which you'll remember y...

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I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the crash pretty much everything went to shit. I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.

Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.

He really loved that woman.

What do you call a dentist who’s just had a minor car accident?

Dent-ist

Husband and wife had a car accident

Ambulance was called and they both end up im hospital. After some time husband regains consciousness and starts looking for his wife around the hospital. He finds a doktor and asks him:

"Doctor, please, me and my wife had an accident and I cant find her. Can you help me? Is she alright?"
...

Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven (repost with correct grammar)

They are received in heaven by St Francis who says, "As you can see, there're a lot of ducks on the floor. If you step on one, you will be forced to live with an ugly woman for the rest of eternity." The men agree.


Five minutes later, the first man accidentally steps on a duck, so an ang...

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

My buddy's wife left him after he lost his feet in a car accident.

Turned out she was lack toes intolerant.

Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“Y...

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17% of car accidents are caused by drunk drivers.

That means that 83% are caused by sober drivers.

When will these damn sober jerks get off the road so that our safety can be multiplied by 6?

A doctor, a teacher and a comedian die in a car accident.

Fortunately, they all got in to heaven and are given an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?"

The doctor says "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a wonderful family...

Werner Heisenberg witnessed a car accident.

The police came and asked Heisenberg if he would like to give a statement about the accident.

Heisenberg agreed.

The cop asks Heisenberg:

"Can you tell me the speed and the position of the car in the moment of the accident?"

A doctor was telling a colleague about a patient who had come in from a terrible car accident.

"They were losing a lot of blood and had to be operated on right away. The other passengers from the accident came in with them, but were mostly unharmed. As I saw to the patient, a nurse got information from the others involved in the accident, apparently a brother and sister, Augustus and Beatrice...

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Four nuns are killed in a car accident and find themselves outside the gates of heaven.

God greets them at the gates and informs them that as they have devoted their life to his service, they get an automatic pass into heaven.

He does require however, for them to confess if they have ever touched a man on the penis before they enter.

All of the nuns start giggling. God a...

A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated

He's just a comedian now.

What's the first thing that goes through your head, when you find yourself in a car accident without a seat belt?

The windshield

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Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

I was in a car accident

wasn't my fault the driver in front car stalled, as we were both getting out of our cars I realized he was a dwarf. He walked over to assess the damage, shuck his head and said, I'm not happy, to which I replied well then which one are you?

I got into a car accident with a little person.

He got out and said "I'm not happy"

I said "Well which one are you then ?"

Did you hear about Meghan Markle's tragic car accident?

I think it's next month.

My uncle had car accident...

He cracked his ribs, broke left leg and got his front teeth smashed in the accident.

He was in a hospital for couple of weeks and during rounds he would always offer his doctor some hazelnuts.

Doctor liked him and would engage in friendly chat and chew some hazelnuts. After some days d...

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Loraina Bobbet died recently in a horrible car Accident

Supposedly some dick cut her off

Why did the software engineer get into a car accident?

He wasn't able to C: Drive

Got into a car accident today

I was driving along and ended up rear ending someone. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?’

A local judge got fired after losing his gavel arm in a car accident.

They said he had no Right to pass judgment.

My friend Jose suffers from panic attacks. He was recently involved in a car accident.

I don't wanna sound racist, but His panic attacks are getting worse.

Joaquin Phoenix was in a car accident.

He’s okay though, he is still Joaquin.

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A man and his wife are in a car accident.

The man is saved by the airbag, but the woman hits her head on the windshield and falls into a coma.

The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "pr...

Bad car accident

I was in a really horrid car accident last week. The police have been examining the skid-marks to investigate exactly what happened.

So far, they have figured out that the other driver was more scared than I.

New study finds that most car accidents happen when men have been drinking alcohol.

Because their women are the designated drivers.

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Two Torontonians die in a car accident.

Two Torontonians die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.
The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet his t...

A woman is pregnant with twins when she gets into a car accident.

She wakes up in the hospital and the doctor says her twins have already been delivered, a boy and a girl. But since she wasn't around to name them, they had to ask her brother to give them legal names.

The woman was worried, because her brother was a bit of an idiot. "What did he name them?" ...

Car accident and a fight

I got in a car accident and a fight in the same day! Let me tell you what happened.

I was driving along when some guy pulled out in front of me. I tried to stop, but ultimately rear-ended him. He gets out of his car, and I see that he's a dwarf! He comes over fuming, and exclaims, "I am NOT h...

A man and his wife die in a car accident.

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man. 

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man i...

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A blonde is in a car accident.

“I think I have a concussion,” she tells the paramedic.

The paramedic says, “OK, let’s check you out. How many fingers do I have up?”

The blonde replied, “OMG, my ass is paralyzed too?”

A couple are driving home from their engagement photoshoot and are killed in a car accident.

They find themselves meeting St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he’s about to let them in to Heaven. Before they go in, the woman says “St. Peter, we were planning to get married in a few months, is there any way we can get married in Heaven, so we can spend the rest of eternity together?”

“H...

If a Stormtrooper offers to give you a ride in his car, you shouldn’t worry about ending up in a car accident

They have a stellar safety record, because they’ve never hit anything since the beginning of time

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

I just read most car accidents happen within 5 miles of home.

That’s it we’re moving!

A man was involved in a terrible car accident. Because of the accident he lost one of his eyes.

The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least expensive. A wooden eye.   Some months pass and the mans friends come over to visit him. They are very worried because he has not been out of the house for months. They tell him ...

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

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A man gets in a car accident that completely rips off his penis.

The doctor says, “Sir, we are going to have to rebuild your penis from scratch. Now, the way we do this operation is to charge you $1,000 for every inch in length. Your insurance company has given you $12,000, and that’s yours to keep, so maybe you want to use all of it, or maybe only 5 or even 4 th...

Goku gets into a car accident

and has to be rushed to the E.R. He has a piece of shrapnel stuck in his arm and is in extreme pain. He gets to the front desk and yells at the nurse "Help! I'm in extreme pain! I have shrapnel in my arm!"

The nurse looks at him calmly and says, "sure, but first you have to fill out this ins...

A man was badly injured in a car accident

The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time

They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter. When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't f...

A man gets into a car accident and goes to the doctor

A man gets into a car accident and goes to the doctor, when he gets home his wife asks him, "What did the doctor say?"

He responds "the doctor says I have a flukie"

Not knowing what a flukie is she goes and asks her neighbor what she should do to treat it, Her neighbor tells her "I do...

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Two Irishmen get in a car accident late at night

The wreck is bad and both cars are totaled but neither driver is injured. After making sure neither is hurt one of the men goes back to his car and pulls out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the other man saying “thank god neither of us were hurt, have a shot to celebrate”. The other man grateful...

A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, “Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I’m sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.”

I watched a man get cut in half in a car accident today

By the time I got to him, he was delirious, clearly in his dying moments. He glanced to his left where his lower half was lying motionless, then up at me with a look somewhere in between anger and humor, and uttered his last words:



"I am beside myself right now!"

A Crackhead an Alchoholic and a chain smoker all die in a car accident.

When they reach the pearly gate St. Peter just looks at them and says "not good gentlemen not good. I cant just let a Crackhead, Alchoholic and chain smoker into heaven." The three men start to complain and demand to be let in. So St Peter decides to test them. He give the crackhead some crack, he g...

There was a car accident involving a funeral procession, yesterday. One person dead.

Luckily it was a fender-bender and no one was hurt.

A beautiful woman has a car accident.

I could tell you how it ends, but you'd be better off reading the version /u/H343now1 posted:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a\_rabbi\_and\_a\_priest\_get\_into\_a\_car\_accident\_and/?ref=share&ref\_source=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a_rabbi_and_...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brither came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "...

What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?

a wrecked angle


(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)

Three buddies died in a car accident and went to heaven for an orientation.

They are asked, "When you were in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you have liked them to say about you?"

The first guy said, "I would have liked to hear them say, 'I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.'"

The second guy said, "I w...

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A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident...

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You'...

A small turkish family had a car accident.

18 people died.

If Stevie Wonder ever gets into a car accidents

It will most likely be because he didn't check his blind spot

Guy survives a terrible car accident and goes to the hospital

When he finally wakes up the doctor says:

- I got some good and bad news for you sir.

- Oh please doctor, tell me the bad news first!

- Because of the accident we had to cut off both of your legs.

- Oh my god! Is there any good news?

- Yes, the nurse wants to buy y...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.

The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *...

A Man is in an Awful Car Accident [Long]

A man is in an awful car accident - so bad, that he is literally, well, decapitated.



Thanks to the miracle of science, however, his body was no longer needed, and his head was attached to a bionic system which made him stronger, faster, and he would live longer with it.


...

Bill Gates dies in a car accident, He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call;

I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or
Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows
'95. I'm going to do something I've never done
before in your case; I'm going to let you decide...

A Jewish man is in a car accident.

A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"

The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."

After causing a car accident, I decided to run from the cops.

Double or nothing.

A man goes through a car accident...

A man goes through a car accident.

In the hospital, he is taken to emergency surgery. Unfortunely, the doctors couldn't save his legs.
He awakes a few hours later, in his room, where a doctor stands besides him.

"You've were in a car accident" the doctor told him "we had to take you...

John and Bill were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bill but could not find him anywhere.

Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, “St. Peter, I know Bill was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!” St. Peter said, “My son, I am sorry to tell you Bill didn’t make it to ...

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The car accident

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymo...

If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were in a car accident, who would survive?

America.

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Something elsewhere on reddit reminded me of this old joke. - - - Four nuns are tragically killed in a car accident.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates they find Saint Peter awaiting them.

He greets them politely saying, “My dear sisters in Christ, before I can allow anyone to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, I must ask each a question.”

Continuing, as he smiles down at them, “I must emphasize, being tru...

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What's the difference between a Japanese Restaurant and a Japanese car accident?

One has lots of crustaceans, the other has lots of crushed Asians.

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.

"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.

"No, we're mostly left."

Five people were tragically killed in a car accident

As their souls drifted heavenwards, they saw a band of angels, and they cried out "Ah! Angels!"

The angels saw the souls, but were too polite to say anything.

John dies due to a car accident

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.

He asks the Angel "What up with all these clocks?"

Angel answers "These clocks measure lies, every person has one clock assigned to them. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks."

The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's ...

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A man lost his penis in a car accident...

He's obviously devastated. Although a lawsuit after the accident wins him £9000. During a check up with the doctor he is offered an experimental procedure. They can read build his penis at the price of £1000 per inch. Extatic, he tells the doctor he will discuss it with his wife and return tomorrow ...

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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man p...

A man heard that over 90% of car accidents happen within 15 km of home.

So he moved.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.


"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.


"Yes sir, what's happened?...

Did you hear that the spaghetti noodle got into a car accident?

Paramedics tried to save him, but in the end, he pasta-way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed gets in a car accident...

Ed gets in a car accident, and dies in a fiery explosion. His body is horribly burned, and no identification can be found. The mortician needs help positively identifying his body, so he he calls Ed's two best friends.

The first friend comes into the morgue, looks at the body, and says "Wow, ...

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A store owner gets in an car accident and is at the hospital

His whole family is there to see him as he wakes up. He looks at them and he says,"Joshua, my son, are you here?" "Yes father" says the son. "Mary, my beautiful wife, are you here?" "Yes darling I am!" Says the wife. "Well I only have one question" says the man, "what is it" says the wife. "Who... W...

Adam gets into a terrible car accident.

He wakes up in the hospital, and the doctor explains, "You went straight through the windshield, but you are going to make a full recovery. Part of your ribcage was broken and started putting pressure on your heart, so we carefully removed it while you were under." Adam thinks on this, then asks the...

Did you know princess diana was on the radio during her car accident?

She was also on the dash, windshield and the hood

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So these four nuns are in a car accident and die...

... and are lined up at the pearly gates waiting to talk to St Peter. The first nun gte to the gate and St Peter asks her only one question: "Sister - Have you ever had anything to do with a man's penis?" The first nun replied "well i saw one once, but that's all". St Peter told her to wash her eye...

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good hus...

A blond, brunette, and redhead get in a car accident.

A blond, brunette, and redhead get in a car accident. They all die and go to heaven. At the gates of heaven, they are met by a man who tells them that there is very little room there. He says that he will tell them 100 jokes, each progressively funnier than the next. Whoever can listen to all of the...

So a lawyer has a car accident...

A Lawyer was getting out of his ferrari when another car crashed and ran right into and through the door which he was opening.
Furious he calls the police. The officer arrives and the lawyer explains the situation
- I'm very angry about my car, the entire door came off!
The officer responds...

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Three deeply devout men were killed in a tragic car accident while on their way to church...

The three men awoke in front of a fountain with the great Gates of Heaven in the far distance. Standing in front of the fountain was an angel, wearing a seemingly dissatisfied smile.

"You three men have been so devout for your entire lives that you have never succumbed to sin."

The men...

Car accident department at heaven...

An Englishman, American and a Russian are sitting waiting for their turn to get to heaven. Boring long wait so the Brit asked the American: "So why are you here". Brit: "Damn truck, head on collision in my Rolls Royce, what about you?" American: "Aaah, was driving drunk and couldn't handle my Ford M...

Did you know that a person gets in a car accident every 10 seconds?

He's getting really fed up with it.

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A woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma...

The doctors and nurses do everything to try and help her but no response. They call in her husband to give him the news when a nurse comes running out and pulls the doctor aside. She says; "Doctor while I was giving the woman a sponge bath I washed her vagina and her heart rate and brain activity i...

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