What’s the difference between losing a van and losing a painting?

You’ll either be asking “Where’d the van go?” or “Where’d the Van Gogh go?”

What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh?

You gonna eat that?

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh " You can't be a great painter, you've only got one ear" And you know what he said? "

“You’ll have to speak up, I’ve only got one ear”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is it fun to be Vincent Van Gough?

When your wife's bitching at you, you won't get an earful.

Why did Van Gogh become a painter?

Because he didn't have an ear for music.

What fuel does a Tranny Van run off?

Gender fluid

I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.

I just want the ladies to know what they’re getting into.

I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.

Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

A cement truck smashed into a prison van...

Police are telling people to be on the lookout for 8 hardened criminals.

What did the communist say when his van stopped working

“I guess it’s stalin”

Most people know who Ludwig Van Beethoven is.

But not many realize that when he passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all making a movie about classical composers.

Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be mozart."


Jean Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven."


Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be bach."

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

What did people say in January, to celebrate Van Gogh's new prosthetic?

Happy New Ear!

What was Van Gogh's least favourite vegetable? An ear of cauliflower.

Sorry it was an arty joke.

What are a kidnappers favorite type of shoes?

White Vans.

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

​

What's an international gathering of Volkswagen vans called?

A combination

Why did Van Gogh divorce his wife?

Earreconcilable differences

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in a van with a plan

A man was speeding along the road in a van, doing well over 100, until he was pulled over by a police car.

"Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Let me see your license"

The man responded "Officer, I don't have a license"

"What?? Where is the paperwork for this van?"
...

"So is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?"

"Both ,now get in the van"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passe...

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued I was told they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius

Sadly, they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

What’s Van Helsing’s favorite kind of restaurant?

A stakehouse

The ice cream man was found dead inside his van. Covered in Hundreds & Thousands, Sprinkles, Chocolate drops and a Flake.

Police believe he may of topped himself.

Van Gogh Family

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:

* The really obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
* The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
* His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
* An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
* And his ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

{vintage joke} 1988 Cape Town : 2 white men and one black man are being transported in a prison van

They were silent for a long time until one white man said "5 years"

The others looked at him

"5 years for molesting a woman " continued the white man "The judge said I should be lucky that the police stopped me earlier or else he would have given me 10 years for rape"

"15 years"...

A van full of nuns is driving through Romania

The nuns get to Transylvania and a vampire jumps onto their windshield. The nuns panic and one in the back yells to the driver “Speed up! Speed up!” So the driver hits the gas and no matter how fast they go the vampire holds on tight.

“Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!” Another nun yells fr...

Did you know Vans and Sperry's used to be one shoe company?

The company was called Vanes. There was some dissension among the employees, so they agreed to split into two companies. The first one became Vans, and the second one got the Spare 'E'.

What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving

Van Gogh

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..


-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as stupid as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

Vincent Van Gogh is having a pint…

His mate Gauguin walks in to the bar and says,
“ Hi Vinny, fancy a beer?”
Vincent says,
“ No thanks , I’ve got one ‘ere…”.

I worked in one of those creepy ice cream vans over Memorial Day weekend, and I must say, they really do work. I raked in the Benjamins.

Also got a couple Jacobs and Timothys as well.

Kids these days are so stupid

They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van

An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...

Some idiot broke into our van last night and stole our limbo stick

How low can you go.

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

How can you tell if a van is constipated?

I can’t pass anything.

The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime...

As a chemist, i'm not very good at the guitar...

...anyway, here's van der Waal

Where did this concept of kidnappers using white vans come from?

I mean, I just use my Prius, stop being so stereotypical, jeez.

Whenever I asked for an ice cream from the van, my Mum would tell me that when they played music it meant that they’d run out

This isn't a joke, I'm 30 yrs old now finding out otherwise.

Roses are red. Violets are blue.

I have a knife. Get in the van.

Ludwig van Beethoven

A music scholar was touring through a graveyard in Vienna when he heard music coming out of a grave. On inspection, he found the headstone as Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The music was the Ninth Symphony being played backwards. He soon rang up a friend who came in time to hear the Seventh Sympho...

Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.

One turns to the other says:

"I think we got off on the wrong foot."

Why isn't Starry Night a perfect painting?

Because the painter only had Van Gogh.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paedophile in a van...

A paedophile in a van creeps up to a 7 y/o boy walking home from school, the creepy man yells out "hey little buddy, ill give you this whole bag of candy if you come in my van !" As he holds up said candy. The little boy then replies "Mister, for a whole bag of candy ill cum on your face"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up one morning to find. . .

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he searches google and sure enough the top result is for a “gorilla remover”. He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he’ll be there in 5 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He proceeds to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doug is mowing his yard when a moving van pulls up to the house next door

Doug walks over to the guy driving and says: Hi my name is Doug. Are you moving in?

James: Yeah, I just moved to town and bought this house.

Doug: So what do you do?

James: I am a doctor in deductive reasoning.

Doug: Hmmm, What is that?

James: Let me show you. I se...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A creepy van pulls up to playground.

A sleazy, balding man exits and eyes the playground. He spots Little Billy playing in the sandbox. The man approaches Billy and says "Hey little boy I'll give you a whole bag of candy if you come inside my van"
Little Billy looked up and replied "Shit mister for a bag of candy I'll come in your m...

Two criminals are trying to get away from an art museum in their getaway van after stealing pieces from 3 artists.

One gets in and turns the key. The van won't start.
The other one turns and asks, "Why aren't we moving?"
"I have no Monet to buy the Gascan to make the Van Gogh."

Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger

So one day, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were sitting together in a bar, kicking back, drinking a few brews, talking about life and talking about the roles they'd played in movies.

As the three men talked, each was surprised to realize that all three of t...

Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives

His Obnoxious brother: Please Gogh.
His Dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
His prune-loving brother: Gotta Gogh.
His Convenience-Store-Owner cousin: Stop'n'Gogh
His Constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The Ballroom dancer aunt: Tan Gogh
His Nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
His Fruit Loving cousin: M...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just remember that you can do whatever you want and be who you want to be. No one can stop you from fulfilling your dreams.

Unless you live in Russia. Then you can only do what Putin lets you do.

Edit: Guys, a few black vans just showed up at my house. I'm scared.

Edit2: Holy crap there are more! They're starting to get out of the vans. I think they're armed!

Edit3: They're coming in! I don't know ...

A man went to a black market dealer,

He asks the seller,

"Yo I heard you can get me a glock, can I have one?"

The guy says,

"what have people told you about me?"

He replies "you're a small arms dealer"

*pushed the mutilated child arms back into the van*

"kind of yeah"

An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so?

Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men with Alzheimer's at the beach

​

They're peckish and want some food.

The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”

Carl: Sure what do you want?

Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.

Carl walks ...

What do you get when you cross Van Gogh with George Thorogood?

One bourbon
One scotch
And one ear

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man wants to be an actor...

...and is visiting an agent. The agent asked him all sorts of questions about what types of movies he wants to play in, his experience, and where he was from and at the end said "You sounds quite promising, I can arrange some auditions and keep you informed about whats available. What is your name?"...

Why did the mover have Starry Night painted on his vehicle?

He wanted everyone to look at his Van Gogh.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pedophile parks his van next to a playground

He opens the door and calls out to a little boy. As the boy approaches peddy eddy proclaims "I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van." the little boy asses him for a moment then replies, "I'll cum in your face for the whole bag."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'd like to buy some ice cream please...

Ice Cream Man: Sure, what kind would you like?

​

Kid: Um...chocolate

​

Ice Cream Man: Oh, sorry kid. We're out of chocolate. I still have plenty of strawberry and vanilla though.

​

Kid: Um...okay...I'll have...chocolate pleas...

What was a doctors diagnosis of the victims involved in a pet van crash?

Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Chameleon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

10 Identical Fruits

One day Daniel, Jeremy, and Lake are walking down the street and a van pulls up. Five guys hop out and kidnap the trio. Then after being drugged they wake up in a forest. One of the guys who was in the van speaks in a heavy Russian accent and tells the boys to go out into the forest and come back wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whats the difference between a Male teacher having sex with a Female student, and a Female teacher having sex with a Male student?

One gets you in prison, and the other gets you a Van Halen song

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

​

They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who

answered the door if...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do I call my van the Pussy Destroyer?

Because cats explode when I run over them

What did Van Gogh's mother say to him when he was sad?

Wipe away those ears.

I just saw a man pick up a screaming child and take her to his van.

Man, kids are getting carried away these days.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a farmer who wanted his sheep to get pregnant

However, he hadn't got a male sheep, so he asked a friend what could he do. His friend told him to take the sheep to the mountain, fuck them himself and wait to the next day. If the next day they were placed in the sun, they were pregnant, of they were placed in the shade, they weren't pregnant.
...