The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?

A flat major.

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Three old military vets are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

Three vets are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories…

The army ranger pipes up first, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the rang...

A Fox, a Rabbit and a Bear are about to be drafted into the military.

The Fox says “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?”
The Bear and the Rabbit agree.
The Fox, quickly thinking, suggests: “I’ll cut off my own tail. A Fox without a tail is useless, right?”
The Rabbit ...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

What do you call a shipment full of military issued t-rexes?

small arms

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

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What’s the similarity between a medieval military engineer and a pornography director?

They always want the biggest breastworks.

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Merkel, Trump, and Putin are at a military inspection

They are standing at a dock. Trump points at an American submarine: "Our American submarines are so well-made, they can last half a year under water without having to resurface a single time in-between!". Putin shows himself unimpressed and points at a Russian submarine: "That's nothing, our Russian...

Why do the Swedish military have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they all return to port, they can Scandinavian.

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The World War had recently come to an end and a military general was sitting in a bar enjoying some drinks.

Two women walk into the bar and sit next to him. They start chatting and after a while one of the ladies asks the general when was the last time he had sex. The general replies 1944. The woman is surprised and offers to have sex with the general as a way of thanking him for his service. They both go...

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What do you call a military man's premature ejaculation?

A dishonorable discharge.

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.

But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time?

To see 20:20

What do you call a pirate with military experience?

Army Matey.

How does the French Military advertise its surplus WW2 rifles?

“Brand new, only been thrown onto the ground once.”

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

It’s 1953 and a Korean military general says...

I think I need a korea-change.

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

If all of the Democratic candidates this primary had military experience...

...then, in theory, we could have seen a race between G.I. Joe and Colonel Sanders.

A military function is being held where all officers of the Army, Navy and the Air force are present.

The Army and Navy officers were describing the Air force as the Cinderella of the military.

To this, the Air force officer replied" I don't know a lot about Cinderella except the fact that she had two ugly sisters".

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to ...

The military was trying to ban transpeople from joining..

..which I find wasteful considering a portion of them are x-men.

The military just came to my door saying I was getting drafted, guess what I did

Iran

A soldier is running from the Military Police

He spots a Nun and says, "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later."

The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by.

The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says, "Yes! He went that way...

A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that...

...he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.

"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.

"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

What did the baby say to his military mom after she gave birth to him?

Thank you for your cervix

I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once

What does a corn become when it joins the military?

Colonel

A poor South Korean man decided to join the military

He really did not want to join the military because he knew his wife was a loose woman, but he had no other choice.

After his posting of 6 months at the North Korean border, he comes back to his house only to see his wife ditch him for another man.

Really upset about the fact that serv...

How can you distinguish between a hospital and a military base?

Frankly I'm not sure - I'm just a drone pilot.

Who's the bravest in the military

At a NATO conference in Washington DC one year, British, French, and US Generals were discussing who had the bravest soldiers.
The French General told one of his soldiers to run out into the path of on coming traffic.....the soldier did, and was killed. The General said, "Now that is bravery" ...

What fruit is part of the American military?

A Naval Orange!!

Sorry if this is a repost, I didn’t check first.

A ghost joins the military

He could never become a Corporeal

What do you call a cannibal who only eats people that served in the military?

A veteranarian.

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During a military assault by Hun, Mulan’s company suffered a bombardment and she was knocked out.

When she wakes up, the doctor tells her: “I have bad news for you, buddy.”

Fears that her true identity has been found out, she nervously asked the doctor what is it.

“I just checked your injuries and, well your dick is gone.”

What type of military vehicle to fish go to war in?

A fish tank

What’s the difference between Logan Paul and the US military

The Americans were actually concerned if they found people in the forest.

We're in trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6

Whi...

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

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Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

An undercover Iranian soldier was captured by the US military and was under interrogation...

US soldier : - *smacks the captured soldier* - "who sent you?"

Iranian soldier : - "Madiq"

US soldier : - "Madiq who?"

Iranian soldier : - "Suq madiq!

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

Who are the highest paid generals in the military?

General Motors, General Electric and General Dynamics

A commander is stationed at a military base

The commander told a soldier to check their position on the map.

Solder: "Sir! We're under a tack!"

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President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your ar...

What do you call a military officer who knows everything about anything?

General Knowledge.

What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?

General Ken OB

I keep my house in strict military order.

My kitchen is always a mess.

Military lesson: Never volunteer

During basic training, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his...

There's a primate military-industrial complex, you know

They engage in gorilla warfare to preserve the interests of monkey business

While in the military I experienced both mustard gas and pepper spray...

I am a seasoned veteran.

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

Did they find oil in Waschington, D.C.?

There is no other explanation for such a presence of the U.S military

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

Military puns are pretty lame.

Generally speaking.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that re...

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An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

Why did the military arrest all the pigeons?

They were starting a coo.

A Chinese bureaucrat, an Indian bureaucrat and an African bureaucrat walk into a bar. They’ve known each other for years, having met every year at UN conferences, and they’ve become friends.

But, talking over drinks, they realise that they’ve only ever met at conferences. So the Chinese bureaucrat suggests that after the next one, in Beijing, they come to his house to relax for a few days.

They all agree, and when the next conference ends, they set off. They get a plane at Beijin...

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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

What do you call a type of orange that served in the military?

a navel officer

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Coronavirus alerts across the world

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when t...

My blackbelt karate teacher has honed his skill of painting high ranking military officials for years

Now he is a master of marshal arts.

Why does did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base!

I left my job as a school teacher to join the military

The risk of getting shot was just too damn high

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

A high ranking military official gives a report to Trump

He says, "sir, I regret to announce that three Brazilian troops have just died in combat."

Trump was stunned. He gathered himself and replied, "my God, that's terrible news. How much is a brazillion?"

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

What do you call babies enrolled in the military?

Infantry.

How different military branches use stars

The Army sleeps under the stars

The Navy navigates by the stars

And the Airforce choose hotels by the stars

A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The crew are taken to the chief, who asks:

"Which of you has the highest rank?"

"I do. I am Flight Commander," the Flight Commander says.

"Well congratulations!" says the cannibal. "Tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"

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It should be in the military protocol to masturbate before shower

It's unsafe to clean a loaded gun

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A man in the military recently broke up with his ex, so he decided to visit a bar to meet some women.

The man notices a seductive looking woman sitting at the bar.

He introduces himself and she introduces herself likewise.

The woman has a strong sex drive, so she asks him a sexual question to get straight to the point. She asks, “Hey cutie, what’s your body count?”

The man repli...

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

To the frontline!

Military General: Sir, the army stands ready to help our medical professionals with the virus!

President: How many are we going to send?

Military General: 46 Platons sir.

President: Ok, round them up.

Military General: That would be 50, sir.

What gun does a military chef use?

A salt rifle

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A young military man is standing outside having a smoke

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares at...

Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes

1.

I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation

I work as a McDonald’s cashier

2.

“Mom there is a burglar in here”

“No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”

3.

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I travel and driv...

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What's common between sex and the military?

It's the privates who do all the work

The army and the navy were looking for new recruits, when two boll weevil brothers showed up.

The older brother had worked in Hollywood as the go-to guy whenever an insect was needed in a movie, while the other brother had never amounted to much.

The army recruited the older brother, while the navy recruited the younger brother. That day, the navy won a battle, while the army lost a b...

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I am glad they have let women in the military.

It used to be a real pain in the ass.

I was told I was going to a Military boot camp

So I showed up in Yaddas

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

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My dick is like Switzerland’s military

Impressive but useless because it never gets used.

Lockdown in Russia

Lockdown in Russia, the '50s. Interdiction to be out between 21:00 and 6:00. 2 military men see some guy sneaking. One of them takes out his gun and shoots him.
- Yuri, why did you shoot him? It's only 20:45.
- I knew the guy, he lives very far. He wouldn't have made it on time

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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

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How did the Japanese solider fail out of military school?

He brought a parachute to class.

Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

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The branches of the military.

The four branches encounter a bug in the tent.

The army shoots the bug.

The marines eat the bug.

The navy drowns the bug.

The air force calls room service to ask why the fuck there's a tent in their room.

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

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