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Military Jokes

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?

A flat major.

Why do French military vehicles have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the front lines

What's up with the american military?

I keep asking them what's the lowest rank and they keep telling me it's private.

Being in the military, my kids are used to moving around a lot.

Because I use them for target practice.

The Confederacy had some top-tier military leadership

General Lee speaking.

Why do the Russians put Z on all their military vehicles?

Because sooner or later they will all belong to Zelensky

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier is running from the military police.

Just in time he sees a Nun and asks if he can hide under her dress explaining that he doesn’t want to get sent to Afghanistan. She agrees and he is able to outwit the MP. When he crawls out he says “you have a really nice pair of legs sister.” The Nun says, “yeah and if you had looked up, you’d hav...

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries?

Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

Russia is the second most powerful military nation

... in Ukraine.




(Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

Dave’s military experience

Dave just got a promotion in the army, but unfortunately this new position put him at the forefront of bearing the bad news. After 30 days in service, he is informed by HR that John’s wife died, and he should inform him kindly of the event.
Next day at morning call, Dave goes :
-John, your wi...

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?

The infantry.

me explaining how military time works:

Me: so it goes up to 24 and then it starts all over

Leonardo DiCaprio: I love it, sounds amazing!

Recent combat maneuvers and successes have shown that Russia has the second strongest military

...in Ukraine

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

I must confess, the best time I had in the military was when I was finally relieved of duty.

Usually happened daily, just after my morning coffee.

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

Napoleon at the annual military parade in Moscow

Napoleon is at the annual military parade in Moscow, alongside Putin, engrossed in reading a newspaper.
At his side, Marshal Ney blurts out to him "Your Majesty, look! If only we had such guns, we would not lose Waterloo!"
Napoleon keeps reading. Ney blurts out again, "Your Majesty,...

The bull gets dishonorably discharged from the Animal Military.

He acted cow-ardly on the field of battle.

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

A Scottish soldier goes to the US for special military training...

The next day morning he goes to the platoon and after looking at him the officer asks him:

\- Private, did you come here to die?

To which he responds:

\- No sir, I came here yesterday.

So a recently separated veteran gets a civilian job.

He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late.

So his boss takes him aside and asks him, "Weren't you in the military? What would your leadership say if you were late?"

The veteran replies, "They'd say, 'Good morning, Sergeant Major. Your coffee's on yo...

My jokes are military grade

Cheap and overused

What is the smallest unit to measure...

What is the smallest unit to measure distance ?

It's the millimeter !

And what is the smallest unit to measure volume ?

Yes, it's the milliliter !

And so, what is the smallest unit to measure intelligence ?

It's the military !

What’s the best part about making a historical documentary about Russia’s military?

You don’t need to worry about anachronisms!

I once tried to memorize every military manoeuvre in history.

It was formation overload.

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Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive...

Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.







370HSSV-0773H






Putin was baffled, so he emailed...

What is the difference between the Russian Military and Barnum and Bailey?

Barnum & Bailey only have three rings in their circus - and a lot less clowns!

What do Russian stock traders and Military vehicles have in common

They stopped working

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the general is leaving the military base for a few days and he's scared that his men with have sex with his wife

so he inserted a blade in his wife's pussy so that if someone touches her ,he'll cut his dick and he'll know it. after a few days the general is back from his trip, he asked everyone to put down their pants to examine their penises, but he didn't find anything, he was so relieved he called the leute...

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Why do female military use camo dildos?

So no one can see them cuming

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

I don't know why people are saying the Russian military is weak

They're ranked #2 in Ukraine.

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What’s the Russian military’s policy on homosexuals fighting in the Ukraine?

“Donetsk, don’t tell.”

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

What's a military?

The only Mili Americans will use before metric.

HELP: Trying to write a joke

I hope this doesn't go against any sub rules. I'm ok if it gets deleted.

So, I had an idea pop into my head last night, and I need some help in fleshing out the body of the joke.

It would go something like this:

A man and his son are walking near (body of water) on Christmas Day...

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My first military parachute jump

I’m deathly afraid of heights, My best friend and I were scheduled for our first jump. As we rose to 6000 ft.my nerves got the best of me and I slowly moved to the back of the line of ten other Airmen waiting to jump. I watched in horror as my buddy took his leap of faith along with the rest of the ...

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Ukraine has a new policy on gays signing up for military service.

Donetsk, Dontell.

What are the two biggest fears of Russian military?

That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.

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Military joke: the enemy is storming the front en masse.

Army general turns to his soldiers, "boys, go get em!"
They all go out running at the enemy and they all die.

Navy Admiral turns to his seamen, "boys, storm those beaches!"
They all rush ashore and every last one of them are killed.

Marine General turn to his men all cocky, "...

Which branch of the military (US) is the most patriotic?

The United States Air Force. They’re US-AF

A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed...

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran o...

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Rapid Transit.

A father and his 13 year old son were on a bus going home. A very attractive woman boards to which the loudly son said "Dad, dig the tits on that chick! His father, slightly embarrassed asked him "Boy, what did you say?" to which he repeated, "Dig the tits on that chick!" The father, embarrassed,...

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So a dude is visiting a group of engineers

the chief engineer greets him and gives him a tour of the facility.

"Right now we're building machinery for the military", says the chief engineer.

the guy sees an assault rifle mounted onto a complicated looking device and asks, "whats going on over here?"

the chief engineer re...

Many people recognize that the Russian flag is an homage to the French flag.

But did you know their military flag is an homage to the old French military flag as well? The old French military flag was three white Fleur-de-lis on a field of white. Now the Russians use the same one, just rotated 90 degrees.

Russian military supremacy

You may wonder why Russian army is superior to all other armies. Well, it is because of their excellent strategy and tactics. For example, during six days war, Russian officers advised Egypt how to defeat Israel. The advise was: draw enemy deep inside the country and wait for winter!

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands when a man walks up to him and says:


-Hey pal, can I buy your rifle?


-Of course not! There are fighter jets stored in here, what am I gonna if something happens and I dont have a gun?


-Dont worry, you could jus...

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

A recent survey of women on Tinder revealed that a majority of women would rather hook up with an amateur pilot than an experienced military jet pilot.

"DAMNIT!" a young airman yells as he slams his phone onto the bar.

"Tom, calm down! What's got you so riled up?" his buddy says to him.

"I just read an article that says women wanna hook up with amateur pilots over good looking pilots like us that keep the skies safe" Tom says.
...

How can you tell what rank a Russian military officer is?

The number of stripes on their tracksuit

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

Why does the Swedish military put barcodes on the bottom of their warships?

So they can Scandinavian.

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Being in the military is like getting a blowjob.

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?

an honorable discharge.

(made this one up at work)

Did you hear the name of Putin's new military policy?

Donetsk, don't tell.

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

Bobby joins the military.

Recruitment sergeant: what would you like to achieve?
Bobby: I want to be a general after 2 years.
Recruitment sergeant: are you insane?
Bobby: is that required?

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What’s the difference between….

What’s the difference between an old military (pick your favorite service) story and fairytale?

One starts “Once upon a time…” and the other starts with “Now this is no shit…”.

What are the two best things about being in the US Military?

The 1st and the 15th.

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

Why do all the Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on the bow?

So upon their return, they can Scandinavian

The military has invented a new missile that turns everything in its vicinity to gold

They’re calling it the Automic bomb

Which Military Service Is the Best?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servic...

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A Japanese sailor sent out an SOS call.

Just as he is sinking a small boat from the Vladivostok coastguard arrives. Four men greet him and help him onboard.

The first gives him a towel. The sailor dries himself and tries to thank the man, but neither speak each others language very well. The second gives him a warm military jacket...

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What does a military man do during sex?

He tactically inserts his unit.

A joke I made up in elementary school

A military officer was in front of a firing squad telling them what they were supposed to do.

As he walked, he stepped on a thumb tack and yelled, "A tack!!!!!!!"..

They all started shooting and killed him.

(I remember telling this joke in the bathroom.)

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?

Biden.

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."

If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.

If you were in the Army you think it means to go from r...

People often overlook one of the greatest military advantages that Hannibal had when crossing the Alps...

The elephant of supplies.

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

The military described the drone strike as "surgical"

This was accurate. It was bloody, it was invasive, and they washed their hands afterwards.

With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!

It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.

Why do mechanics hate people who serve in the military?

because no one ever thanks them for their service.

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Military officer got caught masterbating on a Zoom call

You could say it was an honourable discharge.

Why do Denmark, Norway, and Sweden put bar codes on the sides of their military ships?

So when they come in to port, they can just Scandinavian.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

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jack was sent to a military base in the middle of nowhere

after getting to know his fellow crewmates, he asked one of them: "so what do you guys do when you get frustrated?"

he replied: "well there's a tree west from here, and it has this hole that feels just like a tight pussy, it's really great"

jack thought to himself: "a tree? I'm not THA...

A Fox, a Rabbit and a Bear are about to be drafted into the military.

The Fox says “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?”
The Bear and the Rabbit agree.
The Fox, quickly thinking, suggests: “I’ll cut off my own tail. A Fox without a tail is useless, right?”
The Rabbit ...

What do you call a military dictator killed by a stick of dynamite?

Napoleon Blown-aparte.

A guy asks another guy about military ranks

Guy 1: So remind me, what is the lowest rank in the army again?

Guy 2: It’s private

Guy: Ok never mind

Why did the ex-military chef fire his waitstaff?

They weren’t good at taking hors d'oeuvres.

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their patriotic duty and enlist in the military.

The first recruiter's office they come to is an Air Force recruiter. The two walk inside, and are greeted by the recruiter, " Gentleman, what can I do for you today? He asks.


One of the brothers speaks up. " My name is Darryl, and this is my brother Billy Ray. We would like to join up Sir...

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once

What type of art is the favorite of the US Military?

Oil paintings

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp ... [long]

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp.

He was urinating on one of the camp’s flowerbeds when he was arrested and given a punishment to move a pile of some 1000 bricks from a shed to a nearby site on the camp where some construction ...

Did you hear about the German military's new Cyber Force?

It's called the Softwehr.

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

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Two guys get called up for military service

Coincidentally, they both live in the same street so they share a ride.

During the ride, one says to the other: "I'm going to tell you right now, they will disqualify me for military service."

The other replies: "Really? How can you be so sure?"

"I'll tell you later." The first ...

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

Military unit is in the field and a scout is sent forward to check out the condition of a nearby bridge

He returns and reports: "Bridge is passable for vehicles but not for people on foot." Officer gives him a surprised look: "What do you mean, passable for vehicle but not for people on foot? Don't you mean the other way around?" "No, no, sir. At the bridge there is a large dog that is loudly barking....

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

This r/jokes sub uses a lot of military slang ...

every repost is like ... copy that.

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

A typographer joined the military

He was trained in Arial combat

I think the Russian invasion of Ukraine was caused by a translation error.

The Russian military invading Ukraine all have Z's, and the Ukrainians fighting back are the "Not Z's".

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use?

Tac-tics

Increasing expectation among military analysts in recent days:

United States to invade United States to install democracy

What does a redditor in the military say when his station is bombed?

Damn, this post blew up

A granny is walking to the store when she is stopped by a military checkpoint

Soldiers inform her that she can't cross the bridge because it was destroyed. "Destroyed how? I can plainly see it and there is nothing wrong with it." "No, no, ma'am" explains the soldier. "According to the exercise scenario this bridge was destroyed yesterday and we can't let anybody cross." "But ...

A man was demonstrating a new type of drone to the military.

He was the project tech and was showing them how you could give it coordinates and an image of the objective and off it would go. Multiple options existed for the target - identify, pick up and bring back small packages, or deliver packages to soldiers in the field.

For some reason his boss n...

What do you call a dead fish that worked for the military?

Marine corpse

Little Johnny's school is having a day where they honor the military, and Johnny's class is going through a worksheet.

They go through the answers to the final question,

"What are things that a teacher and a soilder can say?"

The teacher picks Caitlyn first for an answer.

Caitlyn says, "Today, we are going to learn how to fly drones!"

The teacher responds, "Excellent! Drones allow soldie...

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A fresh batch of military recruits come in and meets the drill sergeant

The sergeant looks at the men and says "I'll your all a bunch of yellow bellied pansies! Are ya!"

They all respond "Sir, no sir!"

"Really?" He responds and points to the end of the table they're standing next to.

At the end of the table, a giant alligator sits in a cage hissing ...

Thanks to COVID, all military leave has been cancelled this Christmas

Sources indicate that this is tough for the officers and a real blow to the Privates.

My wife was talking about her funeral plans. I said we'll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.

I was in the Air Force.

Ok, we'll toss you out of an airplane.

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The branches of the military.

The four branches encounter a bug in the tent.

The army shoots the bug.

The marines eat the bug.

The navy drowns the bug.

The air force calls room service to ask why the fuck there's a tent in their room.

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

Camouflage training at the military

Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

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A joke about the different branches of the US military.

“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

A sailor says, “I’d step on it”

A soldier says “ I’d report it to my CO”

A marine says “I’d catch it, cut off it’s tail and eat it!”

An airman responds “I’d pick up the phone and call room service and ask why’s the...

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

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What do you say to a military woman after sex?

Thank you for your cervix.

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

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