The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

Why do French military vehicles have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the front lines

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

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jack was sent to a military base in the middle of nowhere

after getting to know his fellow crewmates, he asked one of them: "so what do you guys do when you get frustrated?"

he replied: "well there's a tree west from here, and it has this hole that feels just like a tight pussy, it's really great"

jack thought to himself: "a tree? I'm not THA...

This r/jokes sub uses a lot of military slang ...

every repost is like ... copy that.

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?

A flat major.

Why do Denmark, Norway, and Sweden put bar codes on the sides of their military ships?

So when they come in to port, they can just Scandinavian.

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Being in the military is like getting a blowjob.

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Military puns are funny...

Generally speaking.

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Two guys get called up for military service

Coincidentally, they both live in the same street so they share a ride.

During the ride, one says to the other: "I'm going to tell you right now, they will disqualify me for military service."

The other replies: "Really? How can you be so sure?"

"I'll tell you later." The first ...

The queen goes to a military camp

The men show her around and present her a bunch of sniper rifles. She looks through them and says.

This is all nice but I think a simple car crash will do.

What does a redditor in the military say when his station is bombed?

Damn, this post blew up

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Military officer got caught masterbating on a Zoom call

You could say it was an honourable discharge.

The Air Force is the most patriotic branch of the military

Cuz they USAF

What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?

an honorable discharge.

(made this one up at work)

A typographer joined the military

He was trained in Arial combat

What kind of restaurants do military snipers prefer?

Take out.

The American Military will never win another conflict.

Our enemies can just ask us to quarantine and we'll immediately refuse to hide.

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

Job interviewer: “So I see that it says on your resume here that you have a dishonorable discharge. What branch of the military were you in?”

Me: “I wasn’t in the military, I used to work at a strip club”

WW2, German military base, early in the morning.

A private walks into the Major's office to give his Night Shift report.

"Nothing to report sir... except that we broke a spade" the private says

"Ah well, carry on. How'd you break a spade though?" the Major asks.

"Well.. while burrying your horse, sir" replies the private
...

My friend asked why I wouldn’t tell him my military rank.

I told him it’s Private.

Why do the military wear fancy uniforms?

To minimize the amount of casual tees.

At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

What do you call a bunch of squid joining the military?

The kalim-army

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

A Fox, a Rabbit and a Bear are about to be drafted into the military.

The Fox says “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?”
The Bear and the Rabbit agree.
The Fox, quickly thinking, suggests: “I’ll cut off my own tail. A Fox without a tail is useless, right?”
The Rabbit ...

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

What is the first thing French soldiers learn, when joining the military ?

The phrase "I surrender" in german

What does the military contractor have for breakfast?

Conflicts.

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Three soldiers were getting really sexually frustrated on a military camp

Because of their desperation, they sought an appointment with the captain himself.

"We miss our wives," one of them said.

The captain being the observant leader that he was, knew that these poor men weren't getting enough satisfaction.

"Men" the captain started, "I'm aware of yo...

Donald Trump just created a new company to make Parachutes for the Military

It opens on Impact.

TIL military personnel are less likely to get acid reflux

Probably because they all have to go through basic training.

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A fresh batch of military recruits come in and meets the drill sergeant

The sergeant looks at the men and says "I'll your all a bunch of yellow bellied pansies! Are ya!"

They all respond "Sir, no sir!"

"Really?" He responds and points to the end of the table they're standing next to.

At the end of the table, a giant alligator sits in a cage hissing ...

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Kim Jong Un was sitting in his office wondering whom to irritate next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Kim!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Kim replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said ...

Who Has The Highest Rank in the Linux Military?

The kernel.

A young woman brought her boyfriend home to meet her father, a retired military officer.

The woman was nervous because her boyfriend was a conscientious objector.
When the father asked the young man to talk about himself, the latter replied, nervously, that he was a CO.
The father clapped the young man on the back and congratulated him, thinking the latter was a commanding o...

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The military is testing new life insurance policies.

So one doctor decided to measure from one point on the body to another and give the recipient 1,000 dollars for each inch.
After explaining this to 3 test subjects they ask the first one to come in. It's a low ranking private. "Where would you like us to measure?" The doctor asks. "From the top ...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

A man was demonstrating a new type of drone to the military.

He was the project tech and was showing them how you could give it coordinates and an image of the objective and off it would go. Multiple options existed for the target - identify, pick up and bring back small packages, or deliver packages to soldiers in the field.

For some reason his boss n...

I asked my dad, "why does the military use uniforms?"

He replied, " To minimize casual tees'

A friend of mine is ex military and recently needed surgery.

Just before his surgery was scheduled I went to see him. Upon knocking on his door he asked, friend or enema?

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Three old military vets are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

Three vets are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories…

The army ranger pipes up first, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the rang...

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

What do you call a shipment full of military issued t-rexes?

small arms

In the Military bootcamp

Soldier: SIR WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN STEPPING ON A MINE?

Sergeant: Easy jump 10 meters in the Air and distribute yourself evenly in a radius of 15 meters

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

How does the French Military advertise its surplus WW2 rifles?

“Brand new, only been thrown onto the ground once.”

How can you distinguish between a hospital and a military base?

Frankly I'm not sure - I'm just a drone pilot.

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Merkel, Trump, and Putin are at a military inspection

They are standing at a dock. Trump points at an American submarine: "Our American submarines are so well-made, they can last half a year under water without having to resurface a single time in-between!". Putin shows himself unimpressed and points at a Russian submarine: "That's nothing, our Russian...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time?

To see 20:20

A General and a Private encounter one another after military training. The general tells the private, “Hey, you! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

The private replied with “Gee, thanks!”

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What’s the similarity between a medieval military engineer and a pornography director?

They always want the biggest breastworks.

What do you call a pirate with military experience?

Army Matey.

Syrian tanks

So, my dad tells me that Syria is getting military tanks from Turkey. I asked if that was bad and he said no, everyone loves a tanks giving Turkey.

The military was trying to ban transpeople from joining..

..which I find wasteful considering a portion of them are x-men.

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.

But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to ...

I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once

A poor South Korean man decided to join the military

He really did not want to join the military because he knew his wife was a loose woman, but he had no other choice.

After his posting of 6 months at the North Korean border, he comes back to his house only to see his wife ditch him for another man.

Really upset about the fact that serv...

If all of the Democratic candidates this primary had military experience...

...then, in theory, we could have seen a race between G.I. Joe and Colonel Sanders.

Donald Trump had to attend an important military briefing

After waiting around 10 minutes, everyone who had to arrive arrived.

One of the generals stands up and says "So, shall we begin the meeting?"

Donald Trump coughs loudly, and then says "We cannot begin this meeting without the president present!"

"But... you are the president..."...

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

A different presidential joke

George W. Bush was talking to some of his military advisors, and after listening to their briefings, he stated that he was going to earmark some military funds to send portraits of his predecessor's wife to the troops overseas.

One of his generals sighed, and leaned in. "Sir, we were asking f...

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What do you call a military man's premature ejaculation?

A dishonorable discharge.

Please enjoy my best ever Star Wars themed joke...

Irving was proud of his daughter Faith. She was the prettiest, smartest, most charming girl in all the Empire. And when Faith was asked to attend the Winter Gala by Conan Antonio, Irving was justifiably pleased, for Conan was a well-decorated and many-times-promoted military man of great respect....

Far off, in a distant land, there were three kingdoms.

Each kingdom had faced a side of a triangular lake. The first kingdom was the youngest, and wealthiest kingdom. They have the most business, biggest buildings, and the strongest military.

The second kingdom, is about 50 years older than the first. They aren't the wealthiest, but they are wel...

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

A military function is being held where all officers of the Army, Navy and the Air force are present.

The Army and Navy officers were describing the Air force as the Cinderella of the military.

To this, the Air force officer replied" I don't know a lot about Cinderella except the fact that she had two ugly sisters".

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Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

The military just came to my door saying I was getting drafted, guess what I did

Iran

A soldier is running from the Military Police

He spots a Nun and says, "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later."

The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by.

The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says, "Yes! He went that way...

What fruit is part of the American military?

A Naval Orange!!

Sorry if this is a repost, I didn’t check first.

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

What did the baby say to his military mom after she gave birth to him?

Thank you for your cervix

An undercover Iranian soldier was captured by the US military and was under interrogation...

US soldier : - *smacks the captured soldier* - "who sent you?"

Iranian soldier : - "Madiq"

US soldier : - "Madiq who?"

Iranian soldier : - "Suq madiq!

What type of military vehicle to fish go to war in?

A fish tank

What do you call a military officer who knows everything about anything?

General Knowledge.

A commander is stationed at a military base

The commander told a soldier to check their position on the map.

Solder: "Sir! We're under a tack!"

College would cost me an arm and a leg...

But I joined the U.S. Military, so it only costed me an arm and a leg!

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

We had an explosion in one of our chemistry labs last week.

Nobody got hurt, but the chemist responsible is the laughing stock of his group.

We use a lot of helium in the military, that's why when there's a shortage you can't get it for balloons - it's being stockpiled by the DOD. We use it to stabilize a variety of substances for storage.

On...

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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

I have utmost respect for our military.

My girlfriend’s husband fights for our country everyday.

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

What do you call a cannibal who only eats people that served in the military?

A veteranarian.

What’s the difference between Logan Paul and the US military

The Americans were actually concerned if they found people in the forest.

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During a military assault by Hun, Mulan’s company suffered a bombardment and she was knocked out.

When she wakes up, the doctor tells her: “I have bad news for you, buddy.”

Fears that her true identity has been found out, she nervously asked the doctor what is it.

“I just checked your injuries and, well your dick is gone.”

There's a primate military-industrial complex, you know

They engage in gorilla warfare to preserve the interests of monkey business

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

Who are the highest paid generals in the military?

General Motors, General Electric and General Dynamics

What does a corn become when it joins the military?

Colonel

A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that...

...he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.

"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.

"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

I keep my house in strict military order.

My kitchen is always a mess.

Military lesson: Never volunteer

During basic training, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

What do you call a type of orange that served in the military?

a navel officer

I left my job as a school teacher to join the military

The risk of getting shot was just too damn high

Why did the tree sapling join the military?

Because it was part of the infantry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

What do you call babies enrolled in the military?

Infantry.

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