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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

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What do they call premature ejaculation in the military?

A dishonorable discharge.

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

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What's common between sex and the military?

It's the privates who do all the work

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A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

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A young military man is standing outside having a smoke

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares at...

Why did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

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How did the Japanese solider fail out of military school?

He brought a parachute to class.

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

Joining the Military.

To join the Russian Elite forces in Siberia, You are expected to be the best of the best.Just to be allowed to take the gruesome and excruciating entrance exam. You have to meet some pretty strict criteria, and prove yourself with a feat of strength

As Ivan is led to the commissioning officer...

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It should be in the military protocol to masturbate before shower

It's unsafe to clean a loaded gun

The military has announced they are going to bomb Syria off the map.

They are naming the bombs "Son of Sam" and "Jack the Ripper."

They're Syria killers.

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An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

An American Major arrives at an isolated military base...

... He is quizzing a private.

"Where is the lieutenant?"

"Sir there is no lieutenant assigned to this post."

"I was told there was".

"No there isn't".

"I'm quite sure there is".

The soldier thinks for a moment and says, "Well Major. Allow me to ask a questio...

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My sexual prowess is comparable to the whole Russian Military.

Where I make it out to be much more powerful than it actually is.

What do you call a loud military base?

A FORTissimmo

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

Why does the Norway military ships have barcodes?

So they can Scandinavian.

A British, A German and an American military doctor were competing on who had done the greatest accomplishment during their careers.

The Brit said that he had replaced a blown off leg with a wooden one and the man had went on to become an acrobat.

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The German said that that was nothing and that he had replaced a blown off arm with a wooden one and the man had went on to become Germany's greatest drummer...

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

Retired General meets a younger woman at a party...

and after getting a little flirty, the woman asks him the last time he made love to a woman. The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, surprised, said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the ...

The bravest men and women in the world are military commandos.

Think about it: all that running, getting shot at, dangerous missions deep into enemy territory... and all while not wearing any underpants!

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

Military puns are funny

Generally speaking

Guys wanna hear a military joke?

The coast guards

What does Donald Trumps military background and bad internet have in common?

No service

What do you call a blonde-haired, blue-eyed person who served in the military?

A veterinarian.

What do you call a musician who joins the military

A Major

A roman military is talking to his friend

First Roman: "Guess how many women I've slept with."

Second Roman: "Mmm?"

First roman: "Don't be ridiculous, not that many."

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Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military?

They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is "To protect the very fabric of our nation."

Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence?

Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

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The branches of the military.

The four branches encounter a bug in the tent.

The army shoots the bug.

The marines eat the bug.

The navy drowns the bug.

The air force calls room service to ask why the fuck there's a tent in their room.

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That Military Documentary series on Japan in WW2 was really good...

...Unfortunately it never survived past the Pilot episode.

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A low-ranking general gets transferred to an all- male military base in the middle of nowhere in the Middle East.

There's not a woman for miles. After a few weeks there, the general develops certain tensions that need to be released, so he summons his adjutant and asks the adjutant what the men do in this situation.

The adjutant nods and tells the general "There's a camel in the tent at the edge of the ...

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Two brothers are forced to join the military.

Both don't want to go. The oldest brother says don't worry i got this, we just gotta make sure we don't pass the medical exam. During the exam the oldest puts a hundred dollar bill between his buttcheeks. The doctor asks him to bent over, looks and says oh you are very sick defenitely not in good sh...

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At the Pentagon three ex-military men.......

Are given cash for any measurement on their body. For every inch, they got 1,000 dollars. One says “ Measure from the tip of my middle finger on my left hand to the middle finger on my right hand.” The measurement was 48 inches so he got 48,000 dollars. The next one says “Measure from my head to my ...

What do you call a retired military member who has been showered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits?

Fort Nite

Camouflage training at the military

Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

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A joke about the different branches of the US military.

“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

A sailor says, “I’d step on it”

A soldier says “ I’d report it to my CO”

A marine says “I’d catch it, cut off it’s tail and eat it!”

An airman responds “I’d pick up the phone and call room service and ask why’s the...

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

I met a man with the last name Popcorn. He said he was in the military...

He was a kernel.

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Words of wisdom from a WW2 veteran. (from /r/military)

If you encounter a unit you can't identify, fire a shot above their head so it won't hit anyone.

If their response consists of rapid, precise, and controlled fire. They're British.

If their response is a shitstorm of machine gun fire. They're German.

If they throw down their gun...

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to...

When asked to secure the building, the different branches of the military all took unique approachs.

The Army set up a defensive perimeter. Surrounding the building with 50cal implacements, tanks, sandbags, barbed wire and strategically placed snipers.

The SAS approached under the cover of night and stormed the building with a hard and fast two pronged ground and air assault.

The Na...

Why can't pigeons have a military?

Because the risk of a coup is too high

It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is.

This is not a drill

I was in the military for 5 years;

I wanted to do 20, but then a war broke out

Did you know North Korea's military marches to the left?

They have no rights

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A Russian Military Lecturer

The commanding officer at a Russian military academy gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”

The gener...

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I just finished a book on the military nobility of pre-industrial Japan

Would you like me to samurais it for you?

I’m going to invent a super laxative for the military.

I think I’ll call it Dishonorable Discharge.

What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military?

An arms dealer.

What branch of the military is most superior at hand-to-hand combat?

The Arm-y

Trump launch a military campaign against Syria

Operation Desert Stormy

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the milit...

Military Hospital Treatment

An army major visits the field hospital, and speaks to some of the patients:

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the fron...

So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today.

That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.

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I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a terrorist attack.

Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.

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Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response

Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn't really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those 'man of few words' kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such

Professor: So what planes did we have du...

Which military animal has the best sense of direction?

A navy gator.

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