If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once

What type of military vehicle to fish go to war in?

A fish tank

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Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

Who are the highest paid generals in the military?

General Motors, General Electric and General Dynamics

Who's the bravest in the military

At a NATO conference in Washington DC one year, British, French, and US Generals were discussing who had the bravest soldiers.
The French General told one of his soldiers to run out into the path of on coming traffic.....the soldier did, and was killed. The General said, "Now that is bravery" ...

I keep my house in strict military order.

My kitchen is always a mess.

Military lesson: Never volunteer

During basic training, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his...

The US military wanted to draft one of three people, an electrician, an engineer, and a politician. All three were asked why they should be able to stay with their families:

The electrician said, “If you draft me, who will work on your vehicles and weapons when they are broken?“

The engineer then followed with, “If you draft me, who will build the vehicles and weapons for the electrician to work on when they are broken?”

The politician then said, with a sl...

Why did the military arrest all the pigeons?

They were starting a coo.

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

A commander is stationed at a military base

The commander told a soldier to check their position on the map.

Solder: "Sir! We're under a tack!"

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?

General Ken OB

Why did the tree sapling join the military?

Because it was part of the infantry

Military puns are pretty lame.

Generally speaking.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

How different military branches use stars

The Army sleeps under the stars

The Navy navigates by the stars

And the Airforce choose hotels by the stars

What do you call a type of orange that served in the military?

a navel officer

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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

While in the military I experienced both mustard gas and pepper spray...

I am a seasoned veteran.

I left my job as a school teacher to join the military

The risk of getting shot was just too damn high

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A man in the military recently broke up with his ex, so he decided to visit a bar to meet some women.

The man notices a seductive looking woman sitting at the bar.

He introduces himself and she introduces herself likewise.

The woman has a strong sex drive, so she asks him a sexual question to get straight to the point. She asks, “Hey cutie, what’s your body count?”

The man repli...

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What's the military term for premature ejaculation?

Dishonorable discharge.

A high ranking military official gives a report to Trump

He says, "sir, I regret to announce that three Brazilian troops have just died in combat."

Trump was stunned. He gathered himself and replied, "my God, that's terrible news. How much is a brazillion?"

My blackbelt karate teacher has honed his skill of painting high ranking military officials for years

Now he is a master of marshal arts.

What do you call babies enrolled in the military?

Infantry.

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I am glad they have let women in the military.

It used to be a real pain in the ass.

What gun does a military chef use?

A salt rifle

A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The crew are taken to the chief, who asks:

"Which of you has the highest rank?"

"I do. I am Flight Commander," the Flight Commander says.

"Well congratulations!" says the cannibal. "Tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"

Why did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

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It should be in the military protocol to masturbate before shower

It's unsafe to clean a loaded gun

I was told I was going to a Military boot camp

So I showed up in Yaddas

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My dick is like Switzerland’s military

Impressive but useless because it never gets used.

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An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

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A young military man is standing outside having a smoke

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares at...

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The unlikely military recruit

A young recruit goes to the military office and says he wants to enlist. Both officers laugh at him and insist he is not a good fit for the military. But everyone who applies must be given a chance

The first task is to swim two laps underwater holding a brick. They are not worried as no one h...

A soldier ran up to a nun

Out of breath he asked, "Please, can I hide under your skirt. I will explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt an...

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What's common between sex and the military?

It's the privates who do all the work

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How did the Japanese solider fail out of military school?

He brought a parachute to class.

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The interviewer asked him to follow one rule.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says,...

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

I am so grateful to say I've been sober since 2015

Or for those that don't use military time, since 8:15 p.m. last night.

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

Einstein had one autistic brother and one brother in the military.

He had a "special relative" and a "general relative".

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A Lame Date

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.



Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.



Much to her s...

Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships?

So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

What do you call a loud military base?

A FORTissimmo

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

I've blown over 50 men in the Navy since I joined the military.

What can I say, I love swallowing sea men.

The military has announced they are going to bomb Syria off the map.

They are naming the bombs "Son of Sam" and "Jack the Ripper."

They're Syria killers.

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

An American Major arrives at an isolated military base...

... He is quizzing a private.

"Where is the lieutenant?"

"Sir there is no lieutenant assigned to this post."

"I was told there was".

"No there isn't".

"I'm quite sure there is".

The soldier thinks for a moment and says, "Well Major. Allow me to ask a questio...

The mother of a beautiful girl enters the office of a general

"General! One of your soldiers got my daughter pregnant! I demand you punish the soldier and the military pay alimony for the child!"

The general stands up, grabs his sword, unsheaths it and hands it to the lady, keeping the sheath in his hands.

He says "Would you kindly help me put th...

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The branches of the military.

The four branches encounter a bug in the tent.

The army shoots the bug.

The marines eat the bug.

The navy drowns the bug.

The air force calls room service to ask why the fuck there's a tent in their room.

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My sexual prowess is comparable to the whole Russian Military.

Where I make it out to be much more powerful than it actually is.

Guys wanna hear a military joke?

The coast guards

A roman military is talking to his friend

First Roman: "Guess how many women I've slept with."

Second Roman: "Mmm?"

First roman: "Don't be ridiculous, not that many."



Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

The bravest men and women in the world are military commandos.

Think about it: all that running, getting shot at, dangerous missions deep into enemy territory... and all while not wearing any underpants!

What do you call a blonde-haired, blue-eyed person who served in the military?

A veterinarian.

A British, A German and an American military doctor were competing on who had done the greatest accomplishment during their careers.

The Brit said that he had replaced a blown off leg with a wooden one and the man had went on to become an acrobat.



The German said that that was nothing and that he had replaced a blown off arm with a wooden one and the man had went on to become Germany's greatest drummer.

...

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

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That Military Documentary series on Japan in WW2 was really good...

...Unfortunately it never survived past the Pilot episode.

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence?

Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.

What does Donald Trumps military background and bad internet have in common?

No service

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A joke about the different branches of the US military.

“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

A sailor says, “I’d step on it”

A soldier says “ I’d report it to my CO”

A marine says “I’d catch it, cut off it’s tail and eat it!”

An airman responds “I’d pick up the phone and call room service and ask why’s the...

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

What do you call a musician who joins the military

A Major

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

Camouflage training at the military

Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Words of wisdom from a WW2 veteran. (from /r/military)

If you encounter a unit you can't identify, fire a shot above their head so it won't hit anyone.

If their response consists of rapid, precise, and controlled fire. They're British.

If their response is a shitstorm of machine gun fire. They're German.

If they throw down their gun...

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Two brothers are forced to join the military.

Both don't want to go. The oldest brother says don't worry i got this, we just gotta make sure we don't pass the medical exam. During the exam the oldest puts a hundred dollar bill between his buttcheeks. The doctor asks him to bent over, looks and says oh you are very sick defenitely not in good sh...

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At the Pentagon three ex-military men.......

Are given cash for any measurement on their body. For every inch, they got 1,000 dollars. One says “ Measure from the tip of my middle finger on my left hand to the middle finger on my right hand.” The measurement was 48 inches so he got 48,000 dollars. The next one says “Measure from my head to my ...

the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to...

Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military?

They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is "To protect the very fabric of our nation."

Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits?

Fort Nite

How can we confuse the Chinese Government?

Make our military blueprints in the form of Ikea instructions.

Did you know North Korea's military marches to the left?

They have no rights

What do you call a retired military member who has been showered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is.

This is not a drill

I met a man with the last name Popcorn. He said he was in the military...

He was a kernel.

So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today.

That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.

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