UPJOKE
wararmed forcesarmynavyconscriptioncombatpeacekeepingsoldiersortiegarrisondefensemilitiaair forcebattlemilitary science

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

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the general is leaving the military base for a few days and he's scared that his men with have sex with his wife

so he inserted a blade in his wife's pussy so that if someone touches her ,he'll cut his dick and he'll know it. after a few days the general is back from his trip, he asked everyone to put down their pants to examine their penises, but he didn't find anything, he was so relieved he called the leute...

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

Why do French military vehicles have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the front lines

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

The Confederacy had some top-tier military leadership

General Lee speaking.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?

A flat major.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries?

Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships?

So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

Military exercise

Drill Sargeant: Listen up ladies, you see these sticks? Pinecones?, Those are your training weapons!

John: So a stick is our rifle? And pinecones are grenades?

Drill sargeant: Look who's catching on, yes If you believe hard enough you won't need an actual rifle or a grenade. Not just s...

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

me explaining how military time works:

Me: so it goes up to 24 and then it starts all over

Leonardo DiCaprio: I love it, sounds amazing!

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?

The infantry.

The military was trying to ban transpeople from joining..

..which I find wasteful considering a portion of them are x-men.

I asked my dad, "why does the military use uniforms?"

He replied, " To minimize casual tees'

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A soldier is running from the military police.

Just in time he sees a Nun and asks if he can hide under her dress explaining that he doesn’t want to get sent to Afghanistan. She agrees and he is able to outwit the MP. When he crawls out he says “you have a really nice pair of legs sister.” The Nun says, “yeah and if you had looked up, you’d hav...

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?

an honorable discharge.

(made this one up at work)

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

2021 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in the world

2022 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in Ukraine
2023 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in Russia

It looks like the Russian Military is aiming for a record-breaking streak as the world's best 'second place'!

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

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What is the funniest military-based joke you know?

I will go first ...
A beautiful lady was speaking to a General at a party:
Lady: When was the last time you had sex?
General: 1945.
Lady: Oh my God! How about some now ?
General: [Looks at his watch] No, I'm cool. It's only 2030.

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A young military man is standing outside having a smoke

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares at...

My jokes are military grade

Cheap and overused

Why did the tree sapling join the military?

Because it was part of the infantry

Why did the chicken avoid the military draft?

To avoid being placed in the same unit as Colonel Sanders.

Dave’s military experience

Dave just got a promotion in the army, but unfortunately this new position put him at the forefront of bearing the bad news. After 30 days in service, he is informed by HR that John’s wife died, and he should inform him kindly of the event.
Next day at morning call, Dave goes :
-John, your wi...

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.


“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...

Russian military supremacy

You may wonder why Russian army is superior to all other armies. Well, it is because of their excellent strategy and tactics. For example, during six days war, Russian officers advised Egypt how to defeat Israel. The advise was: draw enemy deep inside the country and wait for winter!

Napoleon at the annual military parade in Moscow

Napoleon is at the annual military parade in Moscow, alongside Putin, engrossed in reading a newspaper.
At his side, Marshal Ney blurts out to him "Your Majesty, look! If only we had such guns, we would not lose Waterloo!"
Napoleon keeps reading. Ney blurts out again, "Your Majesty,...

Being in the military, my kids are used to moving around a lot.

Because I use them for target practice.

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

Russia is the second most powerful military nation

... in Ukraine.




(Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet?

Lieutenant

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

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During a military assault by Hun, Mulan’s company suffered a bombardment and she was knocked out.

When she wakes up, the doctor tells her: “I have bad news for you, buddy.”

Fears that her true identity has been found out, she nervously asked the doctor what is it.

“I just checked your injuries and, well your dick is gone.”

Camouflage training at the military

Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

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What do you say to a military vagina?

Thank you for your cervix.

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Why do female military use camo dildos?

So no one can see them cuming

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How does a member of the U.S. military show their gratitude to the prostitute they just visited?

Thank you for your cervix.

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

Why does the US military use digital camo?

They turned down the graphics for better performance

It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:


"Ames"


"Here!"


"Jenson"


"Here!"


"Jones"


"Here!"


"Magersky"


"Here!"


"Seeback"

No answer....

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

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A joke about the different branches of the US military.

“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

A sailor says, “I’d step on it”

A soldier says “ I’d report it to my CO”

A marine says “I’d catch it, cut off it’s tail and eat it!”

An airman responds “I’d pick up the phone and call room service and ask why’s the...

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

The bull gets dishonorably discharged from the Animal Military.

He acted cow-ardly on the field of battle.

Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the...

Why do the Russians put Z on all their military vehicles?

Because sooner or later they will all belong to Zelensky

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The branches of the military.

The four branches encounter a bug in the tent.

The army shoots the bug.

The marines eat the bug.

The navy drowns the bug.

The air force calls room service to ask why the fuck there's a tent in their room.

Military ranks

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a spe...

Did you hear about the military drum major who was dishonorably discharged?

It was for conduct unbecoming.

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

What do you call a large, amphibious invasion by the Australian military?

G-Day

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A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school...

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.

His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Military s...

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My first military parachute jump

I’m deathly afraid of heights, My best friend and I were scheduled for our first jump. As we rose to 6000 ft.my nerves got the best of me and I slowly moved to the back of the line of ten other Airmen waiting to jump. I watched in horror as my buddy took his leap of faith along with the rest of the ...

Recent combat maneuvers and successes have shown that Russia has the second strongest military

...in Ukraine

Bobby joins the military.

Recruitment sergeant: what would you like to achieve?
Bobby: I want to be a general after 2 years.
Recruitment sergeant: are you insane?
Bobby: is that required?

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands when a man walks up to him and says:


-Hey pal, can I buy your rifle?


-Of course not! There are fighter jets stored in here, what am I gonna if something happens and I dont have a gun?


-Dont worry, you could jus...

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

What are the two biggest fears of Russian military?

That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.

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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

What's a military?

The only Mili Americans will use before metric.

A newly arrived First Lieutenant stationed at a military camp in the midst of a vast desert...

When arrived, he noticed something peculiar. He observed that his fellow soldiers were diligently taking care of a camel. They were bathing it, feeding it the best food, and treating it as if it were a goddess. Intrigued, the First Lieutenant inquired with a Sergeant about what made this camel so sp...

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

A Scottish soldier goes to the US for special military training...

The next day morning he goes to the platoon and after looking at him the officer asks him:

\- Private, did you come here to die?

To which he responds:

\- No sir, I came here yesterday.

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New military alliance

I just read that Australia, the United Kingdom and the United States have formed a new alliance. It is called AUKUS.

This has really upset France.

I think the United Kingdom and the United States should form a separate alliance with France. That way they can call it FUKUS.

I once tried to memorize every military manoeuvre in history.

It was formation overload.

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Military joke: the enemy is storming the front en masse.

Army general turns to his soldiers, "boys, go get em!"
They all go out running at the enemy and they all die.

Navy Admiral turns to his seamen, "boys, storm those beaches!"
They all rush ashore and every last one of them are killed.

Marine General turn to his men all cocky, "...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

Why does the Swedish military put barcodes on the bottom of their warships?

So they can Scandinavian.

I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once

What do Russian stock traders and Military vehicles have in common

They stopped working

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What does a military man do during sex?

He tactically inserts his unit.

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

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What’s the Russian military’s policy on homosexuals fighting in the Ukraine?

“Donetsk, don’t tell.”

A typographer joined the military

He was trained in Arial combat

The military described the drone strike as "surgical"

This was accurate. It was bloody, it was invasive, and they washed their hands afterwards.

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

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Two guys get called up for military service

Coincidentally, they both live in the same street so they share a ride.

During the ride, one says to the other: "I'm going to tell you right now, they will disqualify me for military service."

The other replies: "Really? How can you be so sure?"

"I'll tell you later." The first ...

What is the difference between the Russian Military and Barnum and Bailey?

Barnum & Bailey only have three rings in their circus - and a lot less clowns!

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Ukraine has a new policy on gays signing up for military service.

Donetsk, Dontell.

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Military officer got caught masterbating on a Zoom call

You could say it was an honourable discharge.

What kind of restaurants do military snipers prefer?

Take out.

Which Military Service Is the Best?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servic...

I don't know why people are saying the Russian military is weak

They're ranked #2 in Ukraine.

Did you hear the name of Putin's new military policy?

Donetsk, don't tell.

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

Military puns are funny...

Generally speaking.

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

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What do the military and sex have in common?

The closer you get to discharge the better it feels.

What are the two best things about being in the US Military?

The 1st and the 15th.

How can you tell what rank a Russian military officer is?

The number of stripes on their tracksuit

I must confess, the best time I had in the military was when I was finally relieved of duty.

Usually happened daily, just after my morning coffee.

Military humor

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe....

A guy asks another guy about military ranks

Guy 1: So remind me, what is the lowest rank in the army again?

Guy 2: It’s private

Guy: Ok never mind

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?

Biden.

the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to...

Why did the ex-military chef fire his waitstaff?

They weren’t good at taking hors d'oeuvres.

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Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

Increasing expectation among military analysts in recent days:

United States to invade United States to install democracy

President Obama visits the Pentagon...

President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.

A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"

Obama replies, "Uh, let ...

A soldier is running from the Military Police

He spots a Nun and says, "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later."

The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by.

The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says, "Yes! He went that way...

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jack was sent to a military base in the middle of nowhere

after getting to know his fellow crewmates, he asked one of them: "so what do you guys do when you get frustrated?"

he replied: "well there's a tree west from here, and it has this hole that feels just like a tight pussy, it's really great"

jack thought to himself: "a tree? I'm not THA...

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

Did you know North Korea's military marches to the left?

They have no rights

The military has invented a new missile that turns everything in its vicinity to gold

They’re calling it the Automic bomb

Military lesson: Never volunteer

During basic training, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his...

Did you hear about the German military's new Cyber Force?

It's called the Softwehr.

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

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New Military Retirement Plan

So, the military decides to adopt a new retirement plan, when you retire, you may choose any 2 points on your body, and are paid $10,000 for each inch between them.
First person to retire is a buck sargeant, he walks into the room and asks the official to measure from the top of his head to the b...

After years in the Military

After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.

A man was demonstrating a new type of drone to the military.

He was the project tech and was showing them how you could give it coordinates and an image of the objective and off it would go. Multiple options existed for the target - identify, pick up and bring back small packages, or deliver packages to soldiers in the field.

For some reason his boss n...

What type of art is the favorite of the US Military?

Oil paintings

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