A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

Kids ask their mother how they were named

1st Child: Mom, how was I named?

Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily.

Lily: That’s so cool!

2nd Child: Mom, how was I named?

Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hosp...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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A man is rushed to hospital after inserting 3 toy horses into his anus.

The paramedics say his condition is stable.

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

“Mommy, why did you name me rose?”

“Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”

“Is that why little brother is named leaf?”

“Yes, it is”

“Blaaaarghhhh-ddsdbbbb-beeebbbleeee”

“Shut up brick”

Why do hospitals have air conditioning?

To keep vegetables cool and fresh

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I've just got back from the hospital where the nurse asked me " Could you masturbate in the cup?"

I thought, I'm good, but I'm not quite competition standard.

A man called the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted. He was accidentally connected to the Lord's Cricket Ground.

"So how did it go ?", he asked.

The person on the other side of the line said, "We've got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

A young man wakes up in a hospital.

He sees an older genteleman, standing by his bed, who asks him "How tall are you, son?"

The man replies " Five foot ten, doctor"

The older man, looking confused, says "Oh, I'm not the doctor, I'm the carpenter"

Why did the clown go to the hospital?

He had a serious migraine

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

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At the hospital

-I’m sorry, but by accident we cut your penis...

-What the fuck?! I wan’t to see your boss you piece of sh...

-Calm down, ma’am, or I will need to call the security!

I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

Why’s billy in the hospital?

“Well he said the only food that could make you cry was an onion..”

“And?”

“So, I threw a watermelon at his head”

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

Who is the coolest person in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy

I’m writing this from the hospital and the doctors said I’m extremely lucky. Today I fell off a 20ft ladder

Lucky for me I was only on the first step, thanks for the thoughts and prayers

A man died of blood loss on his way to the Hospital

The EMT was asked why, and he replied --

"I kept asking him for his blood type, but he just wasn't able to tell me. He was too out of it"

The Doctor sighed. "Well for our records and for the sake of the family did he have any last words? Did he suffer?"

"Well.." the nurse repli...

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A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys!” The redneck said “I’m not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney!” The nurse replied “you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.”

So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her.

She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.

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A man is in the hospital.

He has some respiratory issues so they have him wearing a mask. He's all tucked into bed when a nurse comes in to do her rounds. He asks the nurse "are my testicles black"? The nurse thinks this is odd, but lifts up the sheets and says "No they normal". The man pulls of the mask and says "No, I aske...

My wife just started a job as a doctor. She told me she wasn't sure how the hospital's "On-Call" system ...

... so I told her she should ask an oncologist.

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.

After a complicated operation, a politician woke up in a hospital bed

After getting his bearings; he discovered that the curtains were drawn around him. Turning to the nurse he asks "why are the curtains closed, is it night?"

"No", replied the nurse, "It's just there's a fire in the building across the street and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that t...

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

What do you call a hitman who targets babies in hospitals?

A spawn camper.

Why do cannibals’ kids hate going to the hospital?

Because they have to eat all the vegetables.

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Our local hospital made medical history.

A boy was born with no eyelids.When they circumsised him they were able to take the foreskin and graft it above his eyes for,wholla,eye lids.The operation was successfull, although ,he might come out a little cockeyed.

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A woman is in a car crash and is in a coma in hospital

Days, then weeks, then months go by with no sign of life or improvement. They were at a loss and running out of ideas.

One day a nurse was in the room changing the lady's bedding and accidentally touched the woman's thigh. The nurse noticed that the woman's eyes flickered very slightly, so sh...

Four men are waiting in the hospital...

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! ...

Why do doctors make us wait at the hospital?

Because we’re patient

A lost man asked a stranger what's the fastest way to the hospital?

The stranger replied: close your eyes and cross the street.

A man woke up in a hospital

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and yelled “doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor said “I know... I amputated your arms!”

Two nurses are working at a children's hospital.

While they are checking on their patients, out of nowhere a man wearing doctor's clothing and sporting long hair and a beard shuffles into the ward. Without saying anything to the nurses, he moves around the room, healing all the kids with a few words and hand gestures. He then just as quickly leave...

A mental hospital decides to teach its patients the colors.

They first paint a wall red. Within the next day the patients had already eaten the wall.

Surprised but resilient, the doctors paint another wall and are again surprised that by tommorow the wall had been eaten.

Intrigued the doctors paint another wall green but this time the patients ...

Classic #3829 - A guy is waiting at the hospital for his wife to give birth

A guy is waiting in the hospital waiting room, while his wife is in labor. There are 3 other men sitting next to him, also waiting for their wives to give birth.

The doctor comes out and says to the first guy, "Lucky you! Your wife just had twins!"
The guy says,"Wow what a coincidence, I ...

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A psychotic mechanic had sex with a nurse then escaped his mental hospital...

Next day's headline: Nut screws and bolts.

A hospital buys a robot

The robot is used in multiple operations, performing complicated surgeries. One day, it breaks, and the Hospital calls a mechanic. The mechanic looks at the robot, and says, "I know the problem." The hospital staff asks, "What?" In which the mechanic says, "It only operates on batteries."

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Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

I used to work at a psychiatric hospital

And this guy walks in wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

He tells the receptionist, “I think I need to see a psychiatrist.”

Receptionist replies, “no need for an evaluation. I can clearly see ur nuts.”

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

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My friend is in hospital after someone threw a bucket of limp penises at him...

... It was a flaccid attack

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NSFW - The Queen is touring a prestigious hospital...

They come to the special care wing and she is utterly disgusted when she sees a nurse giving a male patient a hand job.

"What is the meaning of this?!" she screams.

"Don't fret, your Majesty. This man has a rare condition that requires him to ejaculate once every hour or he will go int...

Around 1.5 million people die in hospitals every day.

Let’s just get rid of hospitals. Problem solved.

Year*

I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the hospital.

“Oh my Lord, how is she?!” I asked.

“I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse.

“What the heck is she complaining about again?!”

Johnny was in the hospital.

Johnny was in the hospital, sitting on the bench. Johnny was here for an appointment.

As he waited he saw Alex come out crying.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I just had a blood test.
Johnny: So, were you scared?
Alex: No. But they cut my finger.

Upon hearing this, Johnn...

Hospital: on the down side we lost power and back up power last night...

In the bright side we now have 42 open beds

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A man takes his pregnant wife to the hospital

and the doctor says they are going to have a hermaphrodite.

"What does that mean, Doc?" The man asks.

Doctor: "Your baby will have both male and female parts."

Man: "You mean it will have a brain and a vagina?"

A man was in the hospital carrying his one hour old child

A man was in the hospital carrying his one hour old baby boy, when he saw another dad carrying a baby as well. Curious, he walked up and asked about the baby, finding out that the baby girl had been born just 30 minutes ago. "Well imagine if they got married", the man said jokingly to the other.
...

*At the hospital*

“What’s your height, sir?”

“183 cm, doctor.”

“I’m no doctor, sir. I’m the coffin maker...”

In an operation theatre at a hospital,

Surgeon: David, don’t be afraid. I know it’s your first time. You are freaking out. But it’s gonna be fine.

Patient: Doctor, I’m not David.

Surgeon: I know. David is me.

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American Hospitals

Where they fuck you in the ass, then explain that $20,000 is the uninsured rate for a phallic colonoscopy

Two men are sharing a hospital room.

"What are you in here for?" the first man asks.

"I'm getting a circumcision ," his roommate replies.

"Damn," exclaims the first man. "I had that done to me when I was born, and I couldn't walk for a year."

There was a nun who volunteered at a hospital,

and since she had her doctorate and medical license, the hospital allowed her to prescribe medications. In fact, she took great joy in being able to provide prescriptions immediately, and so modified one of her uniforms to start carrying some of the more common medications and equipment. Over time, ...

What do you call it when an ambulance crashes into the side of a hospital?

A medical breakthrough...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. 

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic ac...

There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.

Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.

Doctor: I know... that's my name.

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A man goes into hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt.........

The doctors described his condition as stable.

What do you call the Ghostbusters at the hospital?

Spawn camping

A man runs into a psychiatric hospital completely naked and wrapped in cling-film.

A doctor runs up to him saying "I don't know what's bothering you, but I can clearly see your nuts!"

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I went to my yearly check up at the hospital...

My doctor asked me, "Did you ever smoke before?"

"Only after sex."

"But it says here that you're a virgin."

I replied, "Exactly."

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.

The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The ...

A captain is flying an airplane over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he starts laughing maniacally.

"What's so funny?" the co-pilot asks.

"Oh, I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip consultant

How did i get into the hospital:

When our lawn mower broke, my wife still reminded me to repair it. But I was still busy. There was always something else to do. My car, football, internet, fishing, friends, pub... Something more important for me. Finally she came with an idea she believed will work. When I came home yesterday, she ...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

So a doctor visits a mental hospital...

He shows up, and the lady at the front desk directs him to an interesting duo. Two men, one of which is hanging from the ceiling and another who is seemingly sawing air. The doctor asks the man sawing away, "what is it that you are doing?" The man replies, "I'm building a ladder to sneak out of this...

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The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday.

The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.

A boyfriend paid a visit to his cancer-stricken girlfriend in the hospital.

"How are you babe?" He asked

"Good, can you do something for me?"

"Anything"

"Give me the bucket I feel like throwing up" she said.

So he gave her the bucket which was right beside the hospital bed and his girlfriend threw up in it.

"Do you love me?" She asked afte...

A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

What’s the worst thing you can say to a hospital patient?

I slept with your wife.

Hospitals are weird

On one floor, a woman is bringing new life into the world, as her husband looks on.

On the next, a man is saying his heartfelt last goodbyes.

Finally, on the floor above that, a frat boy is having a television remote removed from his ass.

As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car crash

the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity... But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.

A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car. The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do...

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

Heard joke once. Man in hospital to have leg amputated.

Wakes up after operation, doctor by his bedside says: Sir, I have good news and bad news. Patient says: what is bad news? Doctor says: Sir, owing to tragic error surgeon amputated wrong leg. Patient screams, says: what in hell can possibly be good news? Doctor says: patient in next bed wants to buy ...

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A blonde goes to a hospital with both ears burnt.

The doctor looks and says "ooof, what happened there?"

The blonde, in pain tells the doctor "I was ironing while the phone rang and mistakenly I have put my iron on my ear instead of the phone."

The doctor rather confused, asked the blonde "so what happened to the other ear?"

T...

Four expectant fathers pace back and forth in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor.

The nurse enters and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins!”



“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”



A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets!”
...

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A man goes to a hospital to get a physical.

The doctor says "I've determined that you need to stop masturbating so much."

The man asks "Why?"

The doctor says "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

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The Queen was touring a hospital

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if ...

I went to park in a parking garage at a hospital the other day and the security guard stopped me and said "sir this garage is for badge holders only"

I said "I have a bad shoulder... That's why I'm here"

So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital

So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner...

Going to hospital

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."


"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly.


"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

A time machine goes to the hospital.

The doctor enters and goes to 2017. He finds a caveman inside and returns to the present day.

The doctor says, "Sorry sir, but you have an ana-chronic disease."

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several gorgeous nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them.

“Oh, nothing,” she says with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”

Why do I keep seeing pictures of bald kids in children’s hospitals?

Like honestly it’s not *that* hard to wash your hair

A man visited his heavily bandaged friend in the hospital.

Upon seeing his injuries, the friend asked: “What happened to you?”

“Well, we went to a theme park and decided to ride a roller coaster,” the man explained. “As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was too small and I co...

Two little kids are in a hospital

They’re lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I...

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So, there's this guy, laying in a hospital bed...

No legs, no arms, tube fed, ugly as hell, skin with red and black spots, bad breath, broken teeth and a ridiculous small dick.

Suddenly a gorgeous nurse passes by and he shouts:

HEY NURSE! I LIKE YOUR TITS, BLOW ME!!

A priest, near him said:

*My son, you shouldn't say tho...

Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?

ICU.

Two young boys, Bobby and Tommy, are sharing a hospital room.

After getting to know each other a little bit, Bobby eventually asks Tommy, “Hey, what’re you in the hospital for anyway?”



“I’m getting my tonsils out,” explains Tommy. “And I’m a little worried.”



“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Bobby says. “I had my tonsils out and it was ...

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I saw a sick friend in hospital today...

He was masturbating in the morgue.

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

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Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.

The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened.

He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole.

Last thing I remember is I lifted the tai...

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A man wakes up in a hospital bed.

The nurse says “I have terrible news, you won’t be able to feel anything from the waist down” The man says “OK, can I feel your tits?”

A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.

A doctor came to greet him.

"Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked.

"I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied.

"Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital."

"I'm not a president. I'm an airport....

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

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An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

I was walking around the hospital...

I was walking around the hospital yesterday looking to visit my Nan. When I got to the correct area in the hospital I saw a sign saying “Stroke Patients Here”.
I never did get to visit my Nan, thanks to hospital security.

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A man drives past a psychiatric hospital...

And one wheel falls off. He takes a spare tire and runs around the car unable to find wheel studs, while patients of the hospital sit on the fence staring at him. The man eventually gets tired and sits down on the road in despair. So the patients ask him: “Can wheel still operate with only 3 studs?...

What did the Power Ranger say when he got to the Hospital?

It's morphine time

A woman was about to give birth at a hospital.

Her husband couldn't make it, but her two idiot brothers showed up to comfort her. The woman passed out right after giving birth to a boy and a girl. When she woke up, she saw her two children laying right next to her.

She told the doctor, "I'm ready to name my two children now."

The d...

A blonde walks into a hospital.

She was claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says “Okay I’d like you to point to wherever it hurts”. So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says “Here. Ow.” She then pokes her arm and says “Here. Ow.” She then repeats this with different parts o...

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I've got to go to hospital tomorrow to have a mole removed from the end of my cock,

That's the last time I try and fuck one of those.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England

The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.


"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"


The doctor leading the ...

A man receives a call from a hospital...

"Come quickly, you're now a dad of a boy who can fly!"
The man rushes to the hospital and is greeted by a doctor holding a baby...
"I received a call about a flying boy, where can I see him?"

The doctor smiles and says: "This is the boy, check it yourself!"
Within seconds, the do...

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Visited my grandma in the hospital today

I was there with my family to comfort her as she took her last breaths, everyone was pretty sad so I thought I'd tell a joke to cheer everyone up. Nobody really laughed but my grandma was fucking dying.

One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately 11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the...

(Get Ready to be Blown Away) What Do You Call A Hospital Full Of Sick Doctors?

**A Staff Infection** *massive applause*

An elderly woman goes to the hospital

She tells her doctor "Doctor, I have a very strange problem. I fart continuously, like several times per minute. In fact, I have farted three times since I entered this room, but you probably didn't realize it because my farts are always silent, and have no smell whatsoever. It is still very annoyin...

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

.A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a d...

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The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Very critical," replied the officer.


"What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

A man struggled into the animal hospital ...

A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms. The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked "What's wrong?"

"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.

The doctor motioned...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. (NSFW)

"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it w...

I asked a sweet old woman, “Excuse me, but can you tell me how to get to the hospital?”

She said, “Sure, honey.”

And pushed me under a bus...

Someone recently said to me, "Next time I see you, I'm gonna beat you so bad you'll end up in the hospital."

So I said to him, "Not if ICU first."

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