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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

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A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist were all at a mental hospital.

The zoophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat.”

The sadist says, “Let’s fuck a cat and then torture it.”

The murderer says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, and then kill it.”

The necrophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, and then fuck it again.”

The pyromaniac says, ...

A patient rushes to a hospital.

Patient: NURSE I NEED A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!!! I'M HAVING A HUGE ISSUE RIGHT NOW.

The nurse sees the distress in the patients eyes and calls over the doctor.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Patient: I don't know doc. I woke up this morning and I'm half deaf. I only hear hal...

Hospital Gown

What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you’re covered, but you’re not.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but l...

A guy wakes up in a hospital...

He asks why he can't feel his legs.
The doctor responds "That's because we amputated your arms!"

(Not very good joke, sry)

I had to go to the hospital last night as I had a Disney toy stuck up my bum..

The doctor took the Mickey out of me.

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

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A husband and wife are being tested at their local hospital.

It’s been roughly a week and the husband calls the hospital asking for the test results. The doctor replies,
“Ah yes. We have concluded that your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s.”
The husband in a panic asks,”So what do I do?”
The doctor simply says,“Take her on a car ride then drop her...

What did the cemetery say to the hospital?

Sorry aout the delay but thank you for your patients

Man calls his wife from the hospital.

"Honey, I cut off my finger."

"The whole finger?" she asks.

"No, the one next to it.

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy

Bro: So how is your new job at the hospital?

Me: I got fired. They didn't appreciate my professional IT knowledge.

Bro: That sucks man.

 

 

Earlier at the hospital,

Me: (Pointing at life support system) Have you tried to turn it ON and OFF again.

A man frantically asked me the quickest way to the hospital.

I replied quickly are you walking or driving? He said driving. I said yeah that's the quickest.

While walking past a mental hospital

I could hear chanting from the other side of the fence. “Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen...”
I noticed a small hole in the fence and looked through to see what the chanting was about. Suddenly I got a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!
Then the chanting changed, “fourteen, fourteen, f...

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

The guy went to the hospital, complaining:

"Doctor, when I touch my head, it hurts. When I touch my stomach, it hurts. When I touch my chest, it hurts. Doctor, what's my problem?"

"Broken finger,"

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

The man with no arms and legs had truly a touching moment at the hospital.

The doctors re-membered him on his birthday!

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An old man is in the hospital

A nurse walks in and he asks, "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse, taken by surprise replies, "I'm sorry?"

So he asks again, "Are my testicles black?"

Nurse shakes her head but decides to check for him, after all she is a nurse. She lifts his robe, takes his testicles in her han...

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

John cena: *wakes up in hospital* "where am I?"

Nurse: ICU
John cena: no you cant

On July 22nd I went to the hospital emergency room thinking I had a Cancer.

Labour took longer than expected however and instead I had a Leo on July 23rd

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A person at our local hospital was born with no eyelids...

So when they circumcised him they used the skin and grafted it in as eyelids.The only problem is he might come out a little cockeyed.

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A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his penis

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.

“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your penis in the crash.”

The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.

The doc...

You hear about the Roman numeral hospital?

All they have is IVs

You ever see those patients smoking outside a hospital?

Taking a break from being sick

My town has a large epilepsy hospital

Today, I wanted to do something nice for the kids: they’re always so sad about not being able to do normal things. It was a $1200 investment for all of them total, but...

Who’s ready for laser tag!?

An Australian old man walks into a hospital.

He says, "I came here to die."

The nurse says, "No, you came here yesterdie."

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A Philanthropist visits the hospital

There was a very rich lady who gave most of her fortune to a hospital so the Chief of Staff gave her a special tour.

As they are passing one room she sees a man furiously jacking off in the corner.

“That’s disgusting “ she says but the doctor explains the the man has a rare disease th...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "Yo...

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.

"Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "You ran face first into a wall lmao"

Before he died, Steve Jobs opened up a children’s hospital named after his daughter, Eve.

It’s called St. Eve Jobs.

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BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

My ex worked in the radiology dept at the hospital.

Every Christmas and birthday she’d send me an X-ray of her chest.

I know it sounds a bit weird but it showed that her heart was in the right place!

Why did the peanut go to the hospital?

He was assalted

Health care is too expensive, I went to the hospital for complications from my diabetes

And It cost me an arm and a leg.

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand.

As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?” “Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient. Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.” “No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with me left hand ".

A man goes to hospital for the results of his medical tests

The doctor says to him: “Ok sir, I have two pieces of bad news for you. Are you ready to head them?”

The man braces himself and replies yes. The doctor checks his notepad and continues. “Firstly I’m afraid to tell you that you have stage four cancer, it’s terminal.”

The man’s eyes wide...

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man with a pleasant smell roaming around the hospital.

Doctor: Wait, what is he again?
Nurse: Aroma

I was fired from my position in the birth ward at the hospital, but I thought I was doing a great job

Everybody kept saying I was killing it whenever I wrapped the umbilical cord around the baby’s neck to pull it out more easily

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A woman walks into a hospital with 2 burned ears

They ask "How on Earth did this happen?!"

"Well," The woman starts. "I was ironing my husband's shirt when the phone rang. I mistook the iron for my phone, and put it up to my ear, and that's how it got burned."

"And what about the other ear?"

The woman scoffed.

"The fuc...

A man was rushing to the hospital

His wife was already there, giving birth to twins. However, the man, is his haste, failed to see a car coming from his left. The wreck was, thankfully, unsubstantial. The man was unscratched, but unconcious.

He woke up, hours later, in his bed. His brother noticed he had finally woken up and ...

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

I sent a dwarf to the hospital today.

He said my girlfriends hair smelled nice.

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A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”...

A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise.

Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?

Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

Why are hospitals and clinics always kept cold?

To keep the vegetables fresh.

A guy calls a hospital

He says "you gotta help me! My wife's going into labor."
The nurse says "calm down, is this her first child?"
He says "No! This is her freaking husband!"

I was just rushed to the hospital

I accidentally got in front of the punchline.

My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.

Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.

I walk into the hospital...

Nurse: on a scale from 1 to 5, how would you rate your pain
Me: zero stars
Nurse: ...
Me: definitely would not recommend

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

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A man is rushed to hospital after inserting 3 toy horses into his anus.

The paramedics say his condition is stable.

Which blood type causes the most mistakes in hospital?

Type-O

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

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Keanu woke up in hospital

With intense pain in his chest. His son Billy was next to him in tears.

“Wha- what happened?”, said Keanu.

His son told him that a kid at school had been teasing him and was making the accusation that they were half brothers, that Keanu had slept with this other kid’s mom. They had got...

Some people say the president acts like a horse in a hospital...

But what they don't realize is that to make a stable out of a hospital, you'd have to be a stable genius.

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A Redneck Went To The Hospital...

His wife was having a baby. Upon arriving he sat down as the nurse said to him, "Congratulations your wife had quintuplets, five big baby boys. "
The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis size the size of a chimney. " The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned....

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

I was visiting a mental hospital. Various patients shouted racial slurs at me.

I knew this country had issues with institutionalized racism.

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I've just got back from the hospital where the nurse asked me " Could you masturbate in the cup?"

I thought, I'm good, but I'm not quite competition standard.

Why did the perfume maker end up in the mental hospital?

Because he stopped making scents

Why did Kevin Hart have such a short stay in the hospital?

He has the money to pay for adequate medical service

My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type

He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”

Two sociopaths was being locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they both decide that they dont like it there and they want to escape.

They wait for nighttime and eventually they make it to the top of the building and they now stand on the edge of the rooftop, only jumpingdistance away from the next rooftop.

One of the sociopaths jump over ...

A surgeon cut off the wrong leg at my hospital today!!!

The orthopedic surgeon at the local hospital I work at accidentally cut off the wrong leg of an infected diabetic patient. After he realized he cut off the wrong leg he couldn't leave the the other infected leg attached. So he had all of the administration and attorneys meet him in the operating ro...

Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can’t hide?

The I.C.U.

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

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One day a woman delivers a baby in the hospital...

The doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, swinging it around his head by its legs etc. The mother starts freaking out, crying hysterically and needed to be held back by the nurses.
Finally she screams, and begs the doctor *“WHYYYY!!?? WHY...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes into hospital for labia reduction surgery...

When she wakes up she finds three cards on her bedside table. The first card is from her the surgeon and says "the surgery was a complete success, get well soon" she says to herself "how nice." The second card is from her husband and says "glad the surgery was a success, love you and get well soon. ...

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

A man rushes his wife to hospital

As she finally lies down on a bed, she starts yelling "Don't! Shouldn't! Can't! Isn't!"

The man asks the doctor, "What's going on? She's speaking incoherently! Is this normal?"

The doctor nods unconcernedly. "Oh yes, it's perfectly normal," he says, "she's just having contractions."

Why did the banana go to the hospital?

He wasn't peeling well.

What are friends at a mental hospital called?

Suicide squad.

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.

I asked my doctor how their day at the hospital was going

He said “well this morning a man came in with agonising pain in his stomach and we did a scan which revealed he had 12 plastic toy horses stuck in his stomach, he was in a critical condition when he first came in, but he’s in a stable condition now.”

I've become friend with a nice patient in our psychiatric hospital, but I still haven't got his name.

I call him George, but the doctors call him Imaginary.

What did the cannibal say to her kid in the hospital?

"Make sure to eat your vegetables, son!"

What do you call it when a team of ghostbusters visit a children’s hospital?

Spawn camping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the hospital

-I’m sorry, but by accident we cut your penis...

-What the fuck?! I wan’t to see your boss you piece of sh...

-Calm down, ma’am, or I will need to call the security!

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital

and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins. I asked him how I could help? and bizarrely he said can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila. It’s ...

After a horrific accident, 2 children were raced to hospital by an air ambulance.

The air ambulance won.

I think the hospital accidentally switched our kids at birth!

They're identical twins, so it's hard to be sure.

A man was hospitalized for a permanent erection

The positive side is now he’s up for anything

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Did you hear about the chronic masturbater that was hospitalized?

Reports say it was because of too many strokes

A man called the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted. He was accidentally connected to the Lord's Cricket Ground.

"So how did it go ?", he asked.

The person on the other side of the line said, "We've got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

A young man wakes up in a hospital.

He sees an older genteleman, standing by his bed, who asks him "How tall are you, son?"

The man replies " Five foot ten, doctor"

The older man, looking confused, says "Oh, I'm not the doctor, I'm the carpenter"

I got a call from the hospital. "Sir, your wife has broken her arm in four places."

So I replied, "Well, I guess she better avoid those places."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

Why did the clown go to the hospital?

He had a serious migraine

A kid is lying in a hospital bed

His dad comes to his bedside to see him

"Hey. I've spoke to the doctors, I've got some good news and some bad news for you, what do you want first?"

Nervously, he says back to him "uhh, good news first please"

"You're going to get to meet the avengers!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Headache & testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

a misunderstanding in a mental hospital

A doctor in a mental hospital makes an apology to a patient: "You can go now. We are so sorry for this misunderstanding, I regret that we did not check your ID, Mr. Pope."

I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

Why’s billy in the hospital?

“Well he said the only food that could make you cry was an onion..”

“And?”

“So, I threw a watermelon at his head”

A man is on an elevator delivering jokes to children at a children's hospital when someone gets off at a floor and asks "Do you need to make a delivery on this floor?"

The man replies "no, this joke is next level"

A Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital,

He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside.

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 dro...

Hannibal Lector was caught in a hospitals ICU, munching on a comatose patient

"Dr. Lector", Clarise Starling asked him when they were re-united, "why did you take such a risk to go into a busy ICU unit?"

"Simple, my dear Clarise...I've gone vegetarian."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes in to hospital for an operation but after a mix up ends up with a circumsition...

He recieved $20,000 compensation but left a tip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in the hospital from cancer surgery,and asks the nurse "Were you able to save my testicles?".

"Yes,we saved them for you in a jar under your pillow."

Four men are waiting in the hospital...

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! ...

I spent all evening putting the Christmas decorations up myself.

Now I'm at the hospital getting them removed.

I had a hip replacement, but the hospital won't let me keep the bone as a souvenir.

They've got joint custody.

I’m writing this from the hospital and the doctors said I’m extremely lucky. Today I fell off a 20ft ladder

Lucky for me I was only on the first step, thanks for the thoughts and prayers

I rushed to the hospital when I heard that my cousin could neither walk nor speak.

Apparently all newborns are like that.

What do you call a hitman who targets babies in hospitals?

A spawn camper.

An amnesiac walks into a hospitality

He shakes the doctors hand and says,

“Doctor Doctor I think I’m an..”

“Amnesiac?” interrupts the doctor.

“However did you know?”

“You’ve been shaking my hand for the past ten minutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

A lost man asked a stranger what's the fastest way to the hospital?

The stranger replied: close your eyes and cross the street.

A man died of blood loss on his way to the Hospital

The EMT was asked why, and he replied --

"I kept asking him for his blood type, but he just wasn't able to tell me. He was too out of it"

The Doctor sighed. "Well for our records and for the sake of the family did he have any last words? Did he suffer?"

"Well.." the nurse repli...

Why do doctors make us wait at the hospital?

Because we’re patient

John Cena gets into a car wreck and ends up in the hospital...

After being in a coma for 3 days he wakes up and asks the nurse, "Where am I?" The nurse responds, "ICU".



John Cena replies, "NO YOU DON'T!!!!"

So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her.

She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.

My dad sprained his wrist and had to go to the hospital. During the discharge process he spoke with the doctor....

Dad: ”Doctor, when will I be able to play the piano?”

Doctor: ”You'll be able to play in about 2-3 weeks.”

Dad: "Great, thanks! I've always to know how to play an instrument!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital.

He has some respiratory issues so they have him wearing a mask. He's all tucked into bed when a nurse comes in to do her rounds. He asks the nurse "are my testicles black"? The nurse thinks this is odd, but lifts up the sheets and says "No they normal". The man pulls of the mask and says "No, I aske...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our local hospital made medical history.

A boy was born with no eyelids.When they circumsised him they were able to take the foreskin and graft it above his eyes for,wholla,eye lids.The operation was successfull, although ,he might come out a little cockeyed.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

My wife just started a job as a doctor. She told me she wasn't sure how the hospital's "On-Call" system ...

... so I told her she should ask an oncologist.

I'm going to hell

When I'm at hospitals I put half eaten sandwiches in coma patients hands, to give their family hope....

I used to work at a psychiatric hospital

And this guy walks in wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

He tells the receptionist, “I think I need to see a psychiatrist.”

Receptionist replies, “no need for an evaluation. I can clearly see ur nuts.”

A husband and wife are in a hospital while the wife is starting to go into labor

Doctor: I have a new invention that will the pain from the wife to the husband, would you want to try it?

Wife: Quickly shakes her head yes.

Husband: If it’s okay with her it is okay with me.

Doctor *as he attaches some cables to the wife* : We will turn the dial to 15 percent ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor sees a pair of twins in the hospital cafeteria...

**Doctor sees a pair of SIAMESE twins in the hospital cafeteria...**



He walks up to them and says, "May I join you?"



The twins say, "Are you out of your fucking mind?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychotic mechanic had sex with a nurse then escaped his mental hospital...

Next day's headline: Nut screws and bolts.

Two men are sharing a hospital room.

"What are you in here for?" the first man asks.

"I'm getting a circumcision ," his roommate replies.

"Damn," exclaims the first man. "I had that done to me when I was born, and I couldn't walk for a year."

Why do cannibals’ kids hate going to the hospital?

Because they have to eat all the vegetables.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

A politician visited a village ahead of an election

When asking the local residents what is the two biggest issues are someone spoke up from the crowd “we have a hospital but no doctor”

The politician immediately pulled out his phone, dialled a number, spoke briefly, hung up, then told the village attendants a doctor has been sourced and will ...

There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.

Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.

Doctor: I know... that's my name.

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