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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

A man gets a phone call from the hospital...

He finds out his wife has been in a bad car accident and is in critical condition. So he immediately stops what he's doing and rushes to the hospital as fast as he can.

When he gets to the waiting room, he frantically asks the doctor, "Where is my wife? Is she okay? What happened?"

The...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

The Queen is laying in hospital with her children at her bedside.

“The doctors remain optimistic but I worry my rule is coming to an end”. She says.

“But the Doctors say you have the omicron variant, do they not?” Said Charles.

“That’s right”, she replied.

“And the Symptoms are minor are they not?” He continued

“It’s true, but my body i...

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A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet...

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John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday.

It was just a Saturday Night Fever.

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."


The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

Why did the Chinese couple take their newborn back to the hospital?

He was Caucasian, and they knew two Wongs don't make a white.



.

.

.

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT condone racism in any way, form or fashion. It's just wordplay, folks. Apologies to anyone too sensitive for my humor.

A patient is in hospital and the doctor tells him 'we've had your test results back and I've bad news and very bad news' the patient replies 'Oh no, best tell me please?'

'The bad news is you have about 24 hours to live' says the Doctor 'The very bad news is I was supposed to tell you yesterday'

I was kicked out of the hospital when I tried to cheer up Covid Patients.

All I said was "Don't worry, everything is going to be ok. Just stay positive".

I got fired on the first day of my new job at the hospital

Apparently telling all the COVID patients to stay positive is not a good thing.

An unconscious pizza maker was admitted to the hospital

They called him John Dough

My brother is in the hospital guys, doctors aren't giving much hope.

Doctors say that he's incapable to stand for the next 8 months, he's extremely weak now. I can barely bear the noises, he's crying so much I feel very bad for him going through this. Anyway, on a positive note, I'm a big brother now!

I visited my grandfather in hospital……

he didn’t look well and had gone downhill from last time I saw him. He told me that he is now incontinent.
I said I know grandad, you are in Australia!

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

I walked into a hospital ward today looking for a mate....

No staff around so I asked a patient in bed where the staff were, he said ' Some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it'

So I asked the next guy, he said ' But we hae meat, and we can eat sae let the Lord be thankit'

I asked the next guy and he started singing Auld Lang ...

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

A sick kid in the hospital

Kid : will you visit me when I get out

Doctor : don’t be stupid, I hate graveyards

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There’s an unusual hospital

Where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them. For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word Shorty tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything ...

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Moshe wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Moshe ...

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all...

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

I just want to let everyone know I am in hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only poisoned myself, what I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb.

The doctors said I should be out sometime in the spring!!!

At the local Hospital

Doctor, “What is this?"

Me “This is a book that I’ve written, it’s got 500 pages."

Doctor, “You wrote 500 pages. What did you write about then?” Me, On the first page I wrote “One day a King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle.

And on the last page I wrote The King reac...

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

I remember when my wife gave birth at the hospital & a nurse came out and handed me a swaddled baby..

In a sad voice she then told me, "I'm sorry sir but your wife didn't make it."

I replied back, "Well, this is nice, but could you bring me the baby my wife did make!"

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

A priest goes to visit a sick man in the hospital

When the priest arrives, the man begins to squirm and gesticulate. The family is scared. He makes a sign that he wants to write something. The son hands him a pen and paper. Man writes anything and dies. The priest keeps the paper in his pocket.

The other day, during the funeral, the priest r...

A couple made a trip the the hospital

Brandon Jackson and Mary Brown are a young couple who needed to rush to a hospital. Mary has been having so much pain it’s like she’s pregnant. The doctor says they’ll need Mary alone for the appointment, to which Brandon agrees.

Later, the doctor walks out and tells Brandon, “We have good ne...

All I wanted to do was donate organs, but the hospital were being awkward about it.

They kept asking me where I got them and threatened to call the police.

I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry, the doctors say I should be fine, but I must warn you -

.. the Dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name!

Two lines at the hospital

There were two lines at the hospital, one for the blood bank, one for the sperm bank. At the end of the sperm bank line, there was woman.
\- Aren't you in the wrong line? they asked her.
\- Uh uh, she said shaking her head, with her mouth closed.

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

What did the cannibal mother say as her family entered the coma ward of the hospital.

Eat your vegetables.

I know its bad but everytime i hear the vegan teacher say that sentece its all i can think about.

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Anna gets a call from the hospital

Anna gets a call from the hospital letting her know that her husband has been in a freak accident. She hurriedly drops what she's doing and rushes over to the hospital. Concerned and nervous, nearly in tears the doctor escorts her to the hospital room. Completely unprepared for the worst she takes a...

Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!

Then again...

I guess that's just how childbirth works.

What did the narcissist say after entering the hospital ER?

"You can all go home, I feel great!"

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,

his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she replies

"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"

...

What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital?

Do you see what I see?

Three patients with bipolar disorder are talking in a mental hospital.

The first, who's in a manic episode, starts talking about his quest to find God. The second, who's severely depressed, says they don't believe in God. The third, who's in a mixed episode, says, "that's ok, I don't believe in myself either."

Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."



[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']

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A man wakes up in hospital covered in bruises with a golf club wrapped round his neck.

The nurse asks him what happened. 'well, I was teaching my wife to play golf when her ball flew into a field of cows, we went looking for it, and I found it wedged perfectly between a cows arse cheeks. I pointed at it and said hey, this one looks like yours!!!'.

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

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A soldier gets his penis blown off in jungle combat and is sent to the closest field hospital

The doctor at the field hospital says sorry son your penis is completely blown off, there is nothing I can do.. well there is something but it would be completely experimental.
The next morning the soldier wakes up and slowly lifts the sheets only to see a baby elephant trunk had been sewn on whe...

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Hospitals have seen more prayers than any church, airports have seen more kisses than any wedding hall....

And my basement has seen more kids than any school

How does a pig get to the hospital?

In a HAMbulance :)

John Cena wakes up at a hospital

John Cena: Where am I

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you can’t

Jeffrey and Hillary were both patients at a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jeffrey suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Hillary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jeffrey out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Hillary's ...

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My wife fell on the vacuum cleaner the other day and had to go to hospital as it got stuck in her vagina

You’ll be glad to hear she’s not quite back on her feet, but she’s picking up well

I’m in the Emergency Dept at the hospital because I swallowed invisible ink.

I’m waiting for someone to see me.

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A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake.

He beat me at Mario Kart.

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A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in.

The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour
why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says:"Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate...

What did the Redditor get when he got hospitalized?

a ward.

I was rushed to hospital.

A Mad dog just started biting me and ripped off most of my ear.


Doctors have told me, I have an ear and a half to live.

A man goes to the hospital with horrible burns all over his feet

The doctors ask "how did this happen"? He replies "The instructions on the can said "before opening, stand in boiling water for five minutes."

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

At a hospital

Mother : "holding a newborn child" you have my eyes

Father : and my smile

Aragorn : you have my sword

Legolas : and you have my bow

Gimli : and my axe

Nurse : can we get security in here please , they are back again

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I had to go to the hospital to help my wife deliver a baby

While I was there my wife suddenly started freaking out about what if the baby came out with a birth defect. Everything was going through her head from it having six toes to having three heads. Eventually it got bad enough that a doctor had to come in and calm her down. Her first question was what w...

I'm in hospital because I drunk a cup of petrol.

That was a very fuelish thing to do.

Politician visited a village in India.

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”


On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassur...

I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said "suture self".

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A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

Mental hospital

The doctor is having a test on his patients to see if they are already fit to go back on their normal lives.

So the doctor drew an imaginary door using crayons on a big wall to see if the patients can distinguish a real door or not.

Then the doctor said "Who wants to go outside?" point...

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Voodoo Dick

There once was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of a flirtatious sort, and so he thought to find something to keep her occupied while he was away. So he went to a sex store to find something special for his wife. He asked the old man in the shop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals

and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your Majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the t...

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A couple has sex everyday

But one day the man has to go on a business trip and his wife says to him "how am I gonna get by without you" so the husband suggest that he and the wife go to an adult toy store to find something the wife could use but after going to all but one of the stores in town and they couldn't find anything...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

Why do vegetarians look for dates at the hospital?

Because they are into vegetables.

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

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A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital….

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

Why did the hospital send all the nurses to art school

So they could learn how to draw blood

Why do hospitals have air conditioning?

To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

What do you call a hospital who lists all their donor patients in alphabetical order

Organ-Ized

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

A blonde walks into a hospital

She complains that every bone in her body is broken.

The doctor says "where does it hurt?"

The blonde points at her leg, "here".

She points at her arm, "here"

She points at her other leg and arm "here and here".

The doctor examins her and promptly says "Ma'am, yo...

It's tough being an antivaxer at the hospital.

They could all use some encouragement when staying positive.

If There’s Hell Below …

As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer, after being unemployed for a long time, decided to open his own hospital.

At the front, he put up a sign: “We can cure any disease with just $500! If we fail, we’ll give you back $1000.”

One doctor, thinking that this was an easy grab, visited the hospital right away.


Doctor: “I lost my taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please give 3 drops of medicine #22...

A couple go to a hospital to deliver their baby

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, exp...

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Which part of the hospital do thieves fear the most?

ICU

A woman walks into the hospital

She says, "Doctor. Could you help me out?"

The doctor says "Sure thing. What way did you come in?"

I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers.

My girlfriend will love them.

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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.

The doctor described his condition as “stable “.

Importance

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. S...

Doctor: “Your wife’s in hospital.” Me: “How is she?” Doctor: “I’m afraid she’s critical.”

Me: “You’ll get used to that.”

My buddy was in a horrible accident.

After a horrible accident, my mate went to the hospital. His condition was so bad, that he could not speak nor walk for three years.

Yeah, man. Being born, it does something to a person.

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Man Walks Into a Hospital

He goes to the reception and the receptionist asks: "how can I help you, sir?"

The man says "I need to see a doctor"

Receptionist: "Okay, and what problem are you having?"

The man says: "It's my willy"

The receptionist, shocked and appalled, lambasts him: "Sir! Do not say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he do...

A Scandinavian woman get to the hospital to give birth

A Scandinavian woman get to the hospital to give birth. When time come the doctor tell the woman: now push! But since Scandinavian women are strong and built, the baby shoot past the doctor onto the wall an smash to death.

Next year the woman come back to give birth and this time they are pre...

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is extremely pregnant.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant. The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father.Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and ...

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care ...

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.

"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says

"Kajol, my daughter, are...

Michael Jordan is wheeled into the hospital for emergency surgery.

He’s brought into the operation room and meets his doctors, but he notices something strange. In the corner, there’s a stage being set up. An anesthesiologist is repeating jokes to herself and wiping her brow. The MRI techs are handling a soundboard in the back. The head surgeon is tuning a guitar b...

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred ha...

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A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

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A man storms out of a hospital screaming “I am not going to donate blood! I don’t want my blood to be in someone else’s boner!” The Doc sighed and asked,

“no hemo?”

A man is in a hospital and waits for a nurse to come. After a long time, the nurse comes in and says “Sorry I kept you waiting”

He replies “No worries. I’m patient”

The numbers game

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. ‘Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!’ goes the noise from within the mental hospital’s wards.

The man’s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It’s not long before he finds a small cr...

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I held an elevator door for an elderly patient...

I don't know if this belongs in jokes but I had to post it somewhere.

I am in the main hospital. I am going up to the 3rd floor and I call the elevator. I see an elderly patient coming and hold the door for him.

Patient: "Thank you"
Me: "Absolutely, where are we going?" wondering wh...

Where is Mike?

On a Monday morning, Paul, Mike's job's teammate, noticed Mike was not around and asked the project manager

'Where is Mike'

Upon which the manager replied

'He is in the hospital'

Paul having just seen Mike yesterday asked in confusion

'But I saw Mike yesterday danc...

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Voodoo dick

So a older gentleman had fallen in love with a very attractive young woman (maybe around 21 or 22) she was a very sexually active woman and he was always able to please. One day his job called him out on a business trip and he’s be gone for atleast a week. The young woman promised to be faithful but...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.

A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"

The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.

"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"

Ignoring the doctor again, the man t...

A man sitting in the hospital

with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and ...

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out.

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out. The entire hospital was being evacuated. As the fire spread, a fireman was checking for stragglers when he found the blonde choking on smoke while pulling on a nurse's assistant's gown. The fireman grabbed the blonde and took her outside ...

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Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. So when the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.


Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad als...

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.

I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.

When I woke in the hospital, I was told they'd had to use a defibrillator on me.

It was quite a shock to the system.

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nurses

Three nurses were working the night shift in a hospital, when they were asked to take a body to the mortuary, they take the body down in the lift and wheeled it into the mortuary, one says “I wonder who it was who died,” they carefully take the sheet off, to find the body of a man in his 20s, with a...

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A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a bank...

...just as its being robbed. The robbery goes wrong and she gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she manages to live.

She was rushed to the hospital, where the doctor after examination tells her that
the bullets can't be removed but she and her children will be alright, and th...

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Pregnant woman got shot 3 times

A pregnant woman with triples got shot in the stomach 3 times as an innocent bystander.
She went to the hospital and they examined and said luckily No surgery is needed and bullets will come out naturally.

She goes on to have 3 healthy boys. After many years go by one day one of her sons...

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

Two women go to a hospital for tests.

One of them is worried she might be pregnant, and the other one has the sniffles. They get tested, but their results get switched. The woman with the sniffles receives the result saying that she's pregnant.

"Dammit!!" she exclaims, "You can't even trust vegetables anymore!"

A hobbit walks into a hospital room.

His grandfather was on his deathbed. After talking to him, he laid down and closed his eyes. He slowly got an erection. Everyone in the room was slightly confused. Sensing the tension in the room, he whispered something in his grandson's ear and died. When others asked him what it was, he replied "O...

A hospital surgeon told his patient : "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

The patient said, "Give me the bad news." The doctor said, " We are going to have to amputate both of your feet." The patient said, "Oh, that's terrible! What's the good news? The doctor said, "The patient in next bed wants to buy your slippers."

A guy is walking along a beach and finds a mysterious ancient lamp

He drains the water out of it and rubs it to clean it up when it starts to shake in his hand and smoke comes out of it. Suddenly a wizened old genie appears.

"You have freed me from my imprisonment in the lamp, O generous one," the genie says and falls at his feet.

The guy is taken ab...

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Donald’s son is a great painter

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom. His teacher broke her nails trying to pick it up. She called his father on phone to complain about the kid and explain what had happened

The father from his hospital bed ICU replied: "You got lucky Maam.........

"At home that bast...

A horse walks into the hospital...

The Doctor asks "Why the long face?" Horse goes "That's why I am here."

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

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