What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”

​

His roommate replies, “Canadian.”

​

Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”

​

The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”

​

Another week...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

Four expectant fathers pace back and forth in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor.

The nurse enters and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins!”

​

“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

​

A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the ...

There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.

Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.

Doctor: I know... that's my name.

Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip consultant

What’s the worst thing you can say to a hospital patient?

I slept with your wife.

A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt.........

The doctors described his condition as stable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday.

The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several gorgeous nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them.

“Oh, nothing,” she says with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”

A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car. The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do...

Two men are sharing a hospital room.

"What are you in here for?" the first man asks.

"I'm getting a circumcision ," his roommate replies.

"Damn," exclaims the first man. "I had that done to me when I was born, and I couldn't walk for a year."

A boyfriend paid a visit to his cancer-stricken girlfriend in the hospital.

"How are you babe?" He asked

"Good, can you do something for me?"

"Anything"

"Give me the bucket I feel like throwing up" she said.

So he gave her the bucket which was right beside the hospital bed and his girlfriend threw up in it.

"Do you love me?" She asked afte...

Why do I keep seeing pictures of bald kids in children’s hospitals?

Like honestly it’s not *that* hard to wash your hair

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car crash

the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity... But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.

Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?

ICU.

A man visited his heavily bandaged friend in the hospital.

Upon seeing his injuries, the friend asked: “What happened to you?”

“Well, we went to a theme park and decided to ride a roller coaster,” the man explained. “As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was too small and I co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, there's this guy, laying in a hospital bed...

No legs, no arms, tube fed, ugly as hell, skin with red and black spots, bad breath, broken teeth and a ridiculous small dick.

Suddenly a gorgeous nurse passes by and he shouts:

HEY NURSE! I LIKE YOUR TITS, BLOW ME!!

A priest, near him said:

*My son, you shouldn't say tho...

A man woke up in hospital after a serious accident!

He shouted, “doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”


The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms!”

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

Why do they have the A/C on so cold in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables nice and cool.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen was touring a hospital

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if ...

I'm old enough to remember when we put the mentally ill in hospitals.

Not the White House.

Who is the coolest person in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy.

So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital

So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner...

I was walking around the hospital...

I was walking around the hospital yesterday looking to visit my Nan. When I got to the correct area in the hospital I saw a sign saying “Stroke Patients Here”.
I never did get to visit my Nan, thanks to hospital security.

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up in a hospital bed.

The nurse says “I have terrible news, you won’t be able to feel anything from the waist down” The man says “OK, can I feel your tits?”

What did the Power Ranger say when he got to the Hospital?

It's morphine time

What's the difference between a house, a terrorist compound, and a hospital?

Don't ask me. I just fly the drone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Visited my grandma in the hospital today

I was there with my family to comfort her as she took her last breaths, everyone was pretty sad so I thought I'd tell a joke to cheer everyone up. Nobody really laughed but my grandma was fucking dying.

A blonde walks into a hospital.

She was claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says “Okay I’d like you to point to wherever it hurts”. So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says “Here. Ow.” She then pokes her arm and says “Here. Ow.” She then repeats this with different parts o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

(Get Ready to be Blown Away) What Do You Call A Hospital Full Of Sick Doctors?

**A Staff Infection** *massive applause*

Someone recently said to me, "Next time I see you, I'm gonna beat you so bad you'll end up in the hospital."

So I said to him, "Not if ICU first."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a sick friend in hospital today...

He was masturbating in the morgue.

I asked a sweet old woman, “Excuse me, but can you tell me how to get to the hospital?”

She said, “Sure, honey.”

And pushed me under a bus...

A man struggled into the animal hospital ...

A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms. The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked "What's wrong?"

"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.

The doctor motioned...

A woman was about to give birth at a hospital.

Her husband couldn't make it, but her two idiot brothers showed up to comfort her. The woman passed out right after giving birth to a boy and a girl. When she woke up, she saw her two children laying right next to her.

She told the doctor, "I'm ready to name my two children now."

The d...

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

.A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a d...

One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately 11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor is making his rounds around the hospital and stops to talk to the head nurse.

The nurse says, "By the way, Doctor, do you know there's a thermometer behind your ear?"

"Great," said the doctor. "Some asshole has my pen."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've got to go to hospital tomorrow to have a mole removed from the end of my cock,

That's the last time I try and fuck one of those.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man drives past a psychiatric hospital...

And one wheel falls off. He takes a spare tire and runs around the car unable to find wheel studs, while patients of the hospital sit on the fence staring at him. The man eventually gets tired and sits down on the road in despair. So the patients ask him: “Can wheel still operate with only 3 studs?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.

The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened.

He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole.

Last thing I remember is I lifted the tai...

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.

A doctor came to greet him.

"Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked.

"I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied.

"Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital."

"I'm not a president. I'm an airport....

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

A man receives a call from a hospital...

"Come quickly, you're now a dad of a boy who can fly!"
The man rushes to the hospital and is greeted by a doctor holding a baby...
"I received a call about a flying boy, where can I see him?"

The doctor smiles and says: "This is the boy, check it yourself!"
Within seconds, the do...

You are lying in the hospital thinking that you have got a small fever.

Then the full crew of Avengers comes to visit you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen of England

The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.


"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"


The doctor leading the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the hospital with a toilet brush up my butt...

The doctor asked "How did this happen?"
I said "Well I met this girl in a club and took her back to mine..."
He interrupted and asked "Into the kinky stuff was she?"
I said "No. The wife was home."

An elderly woman goes to the hospital

She tells her doctor "Doctor, I have a very strange problem. I fart continuously, like several times per minute. In fact, I have farted three times since I entered this room, but you probably didn't realize it because my farts are always silent, and have no smell whatsoever. It is still very annoyin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your...

Bugs Bunny walks into a hospital

He asks his doctor “What’s up, doc?”

The doctor replies “Your blood pressure, Bugs.”

“And if I don’t get it sorted out?”

The doctor, visually distraught, answers: “That’s all, folks.”

Two doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor.

The first doctor says “I’m telling you, it’s spelled W-U-M-B”

The second replies, angrily “Of course it isn’t, you fool, it’s W-O-U-M-B!”

A senior nurse, with years of experience, appalled by what she’s hearing, hurries over to put a stop to the shouting match in progress.

“Doc...

A man is in hospital, in need of a heart transplant

However, the decision weighs on his mind as he knows he has lived most of his life and thinks that there may be others who need the heart more than him.

Soon, night has fell but he still has not made a definite decision on whether or not he should take the heart, and still without an answer h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady is in the hospital on her death bed NSFL

With only a matter of days left, her husband asks “honey, is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?

She replies “well, in all of our years of being married you have never once given me oral sex....I’d really like it if you would do that for me”

Her husband agrees instantly,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(Boyfriend) Hey babe, I was in a terrible accident at work...Denise drove me to the hospital and the doctors said I might lose my right leg.

(Girlfriend) Who the fuck is Denise?

Waiting in hospital's waiting room makes

You patient.

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Very critical," replied the officer.


"What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

John Cena wakes up in a hospital

John Cena: Where am i?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: NO YOU CAN’T

So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room

They talk to the child laying there,
“ are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime“
The kid in a raspy voice replies, “ So a short one?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. (NSFW)

"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it w...

A man and his wife who's in labour go to a hospital

Once they arrive the doctor tells them, "We have this new technology, that'll make the man feel the burden of child birth." They both agree, and the man gets hooked up to the machine. The man says "I don't feel anything," The doctor replies, "Maybe I should turn it up more." "I still don't feel anyt...

A man walked into a hospital with 10 plastic horses in his stomach.

He started fidgeting, so the receptionist said: "hold your horses."

Who's the second coolest guy in the hospital?

The hip replacement guy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision...

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he wakes up after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation...

Guy survives a terrible car accident and goes to the hospital

When he finally wakes up the doctor says:

- I got some good and bad news for you sir.

- Oh please doctor, tell me the bad news first!

- Because of the accident we had to cut off both of your legs.

- Oh my god! Is there any good news?

- Yes, the nurse wants to buy y...

One of my best friends gave birth in a car, on the way to the hospital

His dad named him Carson.

The Mental Hospital

Harold and Jenna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Harold suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Jenna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out....

Mental hospital

A man was walking beside tha wall of a mental hospital then he heard all the patients shouting 25,25,25 continuously. He thought what is happening inside why they are shouting 25,25,25 then he saw a hole in the wall and he peeped through it and at that moment someone from other side of the wall pok...

Nicola Sturgeon is visiting a hospital

And as she walks into one of the wards, a patient hails her with "Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!".

As she is blinking in surprise, another patient adds "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Jew is lying in the hospital, slowly drifting towards the inevitable end...

He feels himself getting weaker and weaker, and summons a nurse.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Schwartz?”

“I want you get me a priest!”

“Uhh... yes, you mean a rabbi?”

“No! A priest! Get me a Catholic priest!”

The nurse goes off and finds the hospital priest, who co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up in hospital...

Being still dizzy, he looks around in hopes of understanding what is going on. He sees a nurse beside his bed and asks her what has happened. The nurse says: "You were in a terrible car accident. You were lucky the doctors got to you on time... you were put together practically piece by piece... but...

As soon as they put me in that hospital gown...

I knew my end was in sight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"


"I’m sorr...

A man in the parking lot of a hospital had a heart attack, but someone leaving noticed and informed EMR via 9-1-1.

It was a close call.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I badly broke my leg and whilst I was asleep in the hospital someone wrote “Fucking Idiot” in huge letters on my cast

Talk about adding insult to injury.

How does a shellfish get to hospital?

In a clambulance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in.

The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour
why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says:"Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturba...

I used to drive my infant daughter (who refused to dribk from a bottle) to the hospital where my wife worked as a nurse so she could breastfeed during her lunch break.

I'm no math major, but I'm pretty sure that means that my wife was nursing².

I was in a hospital waiting room.

There was a sign on the door near me that said: "Medical services here...You won't get better."

So I left.

I was at the hospital the other day and the Radiologist had really low self-esteem.

I think he had body image issues.

I went to the hospital to buy a stretcher and they said do you want to try before you buy?

I said no thanks, I don't want to get carried away.

The hospital taking too long to get a new cornea for my SO.

I need to find a faster wife-eye provider.

What’s the only type of food hospitals stock?

Vegetables

Upon leaving the hospital after the birth of my son, a nurse in the elevator commented on him sucking on his mother’s finger, saying “he’s quite the little sucker.”

I responded “There’s one born every minute.” And that, my friends, was my very first Dad joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew runs over to the hospital

He has heard that his friend Raymond is in there, but doesn't know why. As soon as he finds his room in the hopsital, he goes to the doctor and asks,

Israel?

Three men are waiting in the hospital for their kids to be born...

...The first nurse comes in and says to the first man "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!" The first man replies "What a coincidence, I work at Twin Massachusetts!"

A few minutes pass when a second nurse comes up to the second father and says "Congratulations! You're the father of t...

Paul is on his death bed in hospital.

He calls his best friend John to his side and tells him his last wishes.

"All my life, I have had this rare, expensive bottle of whiskey. It means everything to me. It has been passed down through my family for generations. " Paul whispers. "Please John, after I die, sprinkle the whole bottle...

A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.

The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"

To which he replied ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old woman is in a coma in a hospital and has been for 6 months...

One day a nurse is giving the comatosed woman her daily sponge bath and when the nurse rubbed the lady on her special place she noticed the heart monitor dramatically spike up indicating the woman might have responded!

The nurse inform the doctors who immediately call the woman's husband to ...

A man got rushed to the hospital because he swallowed 8 miniature horses.

He is stable now.

What’s the difference between a children’s hospital and an ISIS training camp?

I dunno, I just fly the drones

I took a urine test at the hospital today.

My kleptomania is getting out of hand...

Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

An angel is visiting a hospital

An angel walks into a hospital and sees a room full of dying children and adults.
He begins to heal them one at a time. He finally reaches the final person and it’s a middle aged man with polio. The angel asks the man how he got it in the first place considering how polio vaccines existed. The ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had to go to the hospital because I burned my penis on the stove

Once I recover, I can say to my gf "watch out! I'm coming in hot!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young ...

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augme...

I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore.

And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.

A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.

He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.

A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearb...

I had to take my mother to hospital yesterday after a giant bee landed on her face

Thankfully it didn't actually sting her, I was too quick with the shovel

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby...

Upon arriving, he was asked to sit down as the nurse told him,

“Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets five big baby boys.”

The Redneck said, “I’m not surprised, I have a penis the size of a fucking chimney.”

The nurse replied, “You might want to consider getting it clea...

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

What do a farm and hospital have in common?

Too many vegetables for one person to take care of.

Kids in a hospital

Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.


The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"


The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."


The fir...

Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."

After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."

A man’s wife is in labor and they rush to the hospital around midday.

When they get there, the doctors inform the Man that they have experimental machines to wirelessly transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father of the child.

Then man, being a tough guy, agrees to bear some of the burden for his wife.

They start at the lowest setting of 1% b...