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Latin Jokes

I'm proud that I got 40% on my Latin exam.

After all, you should always XL.

The captain asks a seamen to tell him how "2" is written in Latin.

The seamen replies "Aye aye, capt'n!"

The professor gave me a C on my Latin exam...

Aced it!
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an old joke told to me at school by my Latin teacher:

A man goes into a restaurant and orders dinner, then the wine waiter comes over.
"I'd like a bottle of Hock please"
"I beg you pardon, sir?"
"I said a bottle of Hock, you know, as in hic haec hoc"
"Very good sir"
The man eats his meal, but the wine never arrives, so he called the wine...

I hate the misuse of Latin phrases...

...and vice versa.

A Roman walks into a bar... (Latin joke)

A Roman walks into a bar and says "I'll have one martinus please." The bartender a little puzzled replies, "don't you mean one martini?" The Roman scoffs and says "oh please, if I wanted two I would have asked."

My Latin teacher had this piece of luggage that used to claim I was doing something wrong.

It was an accusative case.

Why is Oedipus bad at Latin?

He conjugated where he should have declined.

>!Latin verbs have conjugations and latin nouns have declinsions.!<

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

Can somebody help me translate 'orbis terrarum ad mihi' from Latin?

It would mean the world to me.

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.

"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".

"I'll have a Campari," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"

The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for...

Host: Which string instruments are commonly used in Latin music?

Guest: Violins?

Host: "Violins" is not the answer.

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

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A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which...

I get confused with these Latin phrases.

Is it carpe tunnel or per diem?

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What did the Latin guy say after he had sex?

Veni. Veni. Veni.

Explaining Words



Poli.....Latin for "many"

Tics....blood sucking insects



Politics

Why did the eligible bachelor get stressed out every time he dated a Latin woman?

Because they are Hispanic.

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The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.


They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.


Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

For all those people that didn’t know that some Latin American countries don’t primarily speak Spanish...

You better Belize it.

Hey, Latin isn't dead

It's just Roman around

Why do zombies speak latin?

Because it's a dead language

Bo started Pig Latin school

Bo started Pig Latin school, but he had a very hard time saying his name.

The teacher eventually kicked him out of class because he couldn't "obey."

An engineering student is called into the Dean’s office…

The dean says “While we know you are doing well in your engineering studies, there some very troubling reports from your core curriculum professors. In English, your professor says you constantly use the passive voice in your essays; your art history professor says you are constantly confusing Carav...

How do you say ‘direction’ in pig Latin?

Hope you had a good one!

It was Xmas Eve and I could hear faint Latin rhythms and long guitar notes coming from behind the fireplace.

Santana was stuck up the chimney.

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Sirius B is moving towards us at 10 km per second at may get the latin name "tribulatio" ( trouble ) and may hit an outer the outer planet Uranus one day.

We have Sirius trouble in Uranus

British: We call it autumn which comes from the french word "autumpne" and later, the latin "autumnus"

American: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL

What do you call a Latin popstar with big nipples?

Areola Grande

How many Latin Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian.

I came, I saw, I died

or as we say in Latin:

Veni, Vidi, Avicii.

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True latin story

Some friend of mine and his wife have some OnlyFans account, if you dont know about that, its a sucessful market, and obviously to create that awesome porn scene a real male needs some viagra. You know that long ass strokes aint real fam, come on man, 40s is the normal time for healthy men.

...

No wonder Latin is a dead language

They kept summoning demons

TIL Chicago is the #1 supporter of Latin women.

They always yell: Go Chica! Go!

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

ḱley (Proto-Indo-European)-> κλίμα, κλίνω (Greek)-> clima (Latin)-> climat (French)-> climate

Climate change is man-made.

Why do perverts pick Latin as their first foreign language?

It's vulgar.

What's the similarity between a latin speaker and a necrophiliac?

They both appreciate a dead tongue.

I'm not saying that I'm a bad driver...

But when I drive, my sat nav doesn't speak, it prays in Latin.

English is the lingua franca of the internet, science, aeronautics,

and of using Late Latin phrases concerning an extinct pre-French language to mean "universally spoken".

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from L...

A man was very fond of his new Corvette. So, he invited a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor to come and bless it.

The Priest sprinkled the car with holy water and chanted in Latin, the Pastor invoked the name of god and led everyone into silent prayer, and the Rabbi sang a hymn and cut of the tip of the car’s tailpipe.

So I learned some interesting things today

I get a kick out of words and word histories, so reading up I learned the word "CENTURION" came from the old Latin word for one hundred, because they were an officer in charge of one hundred soldiers. I also learned that the term "DECIMATE" comes from a collective punishment centurions would mete o...

Polyamory is wrong!

Either multiamory, or polyphilia, sure.

But mixing Greek and Latin roots? It's just wrong!

What’s Latin for abortion?

Fetus Deletus

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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If...

A new pastor in a rural area...

A new pastor in a rural area is ready for his first service, but only one farmer has shown up. The pastor asks the farmer, "If you took a load of hay to feed your cows and when you got there, there was only one cow what would you do?".

"I'd feed it" said the farmer.

So the pastor asks...

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The Great Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jews won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Knowing they had no choic...

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?

The Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and its Latin name. The Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

[NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

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Two Jews have done well in business.

They decide to celebrate and advertise their success they should get matching black suits. They go to the tailor, Pincus, and tell him they want two black suits. They make it clear they want a true deep black, not blue black, grey black, or brown black but a black black. A real black, "The kind n...

A young jock enters a pharmacy to buy condoms

Knowing the pharmacists is an old-fashioned gentleman and noticing a slight frown on his face, the young man decides to have some fun at his expenses by asking for another pack, remarking "you know, my girlfriend truly sounded thirsty last time I talked to her... Better be sure we don't run out!"...

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

She called me "Fevereiro"

I started dating this gorgeous Brazilian girl.

One night, right after having slept with her for the first time, she started to call me *Fevereiro*.

I felt that nickname had a really cool latin vibe, so I went along with it.



After a few weeks, I asked her, "By the way, h...

What's a morticians favorite language?

...Latin.

What language did ancient Roman police speak?

Pig Latin

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