The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi's automobile?

A swastikar.

What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in Artificial intelligence?

Alexus.

Dad joke: what would happen if everyone in a country drove a pink automobile?

We would have a pink car nation.

(Like the flower..... ok I’ll see myself out...)

What happened to the man who stole an automobile but died when he crashed and burned it during a police chase?

He was incarcinerated.

A mechanical engineer, an electronics engineer and a software engineer where testing a new automobile..

Going down a hill the brakes started to fail. They careened down the hill at speed, screeching round the corners, narrowly missing cliff faces and sheer drops, and finally coming to a halt by steering up a grassy bank.

​

"Phew, that was close", said the electronics engineer,...

Why are Russian automobiles the most unreliable?

They're always Stalin

What has 10 letters and starts with Gas?

Automobile!
Everyone says gasoline because they don't think about it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Russian automobile is getting pretty shitty at this point...

Soviet, I'm Lenin towards Putin that Stalin, Ruski thing on Craigslist

My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble.

You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour.

Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household animal?

A very upset child.

Why do police officers keep water in the automobile trunk?

Because they don't want the siren to die.

An officer stops a speeding automobile on the highway which was driving two times the speed limit.

The driver steps out full of remorse.

"Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?"

"Nah, you were flying too low"

5 ppl in Audi Quattro

5 Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian Border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them,
"It's a illegala to putta 5 People in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" Asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian Official.
...

Used car salesman

Used car salesman: "I'm 95% sure there's not a dead body in the trunk of this fine automobile."

Customer: "Okay, that's good to know."

\*\*\*Muffled screaming sounds from the trunk\*\*\*

Used car salesman: "100%"

Learn to speak Chinese

1) That’s not right ………………….. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?…………. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP………………………….. Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ……………………. Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? ………… Wai Yu So Tan
6) I bumped into a coffee table …….. Ai Bang Mai ...

What’s a ten letter word that starts with gas?

Automobile

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The villagers stare at the BMW as they have never seen one before !

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Good morning. Beauty of an automobile you have there” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does...

An American, a Korean, a Chinese, and a Russian walk into a bar...

...they settled into their seats and when they had loosened up after a few drinks they decided to extol the virtues of their homelands.

"American industry is so superb," said the American. "A sports team can decide to move to a different city, and within a year and a half we can build a stat...

What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Charles?

Killed in an automobile accident.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Goldfish, man, you made me so happy, I'll do anything for you...

This is long, so bear with me.
So I was fishing at this pond close to home, see. And all day I was fishing, with nothing biting. Just as the sun was setting, something was finally tugging and wouldn't you know, the most brightly coloured gold FISH(!) was at the end of my fishing string. And w...

The Hundred-Mile-per-Hour Goat

Two Pennsylvania rednecks are out rabbit hunting, and as they are walking along through the woods, they came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep ...

For $1,500,000, a hot young movie producer buys himself a brand-new 2011 Ferrari GTS.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.

At the first light, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"

T...

My wife told me I had to give up drinking

So I joined the AA.
Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.

A man went to the wishing well.

He wished for a superpower, any superpower at all.

The next day, he accidentally rammed into the wall, biting on the paint. He then dissolved into a sentient puddle, able to cover the places he moved around in paint.

"Whoa!" he said, changing out of that form. He rushed over to bite a...

A collection of Waspy jokes about yo-mamma

1. Your mother is so déclassé, she has a time-share
near Sea World!

2. Your mother is so prescription drug dependent,
she pops Xanax like Godiva bonbons!

3. Your mother is so lower middle-class, she thinks
Egyptian cotton smells of camels!

4. Your mother...

Bill Clinton in Hell

Bill Clinton in Hell

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants, and he will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

Three door...

Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...

Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a m...

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant...

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who die...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is driving through the desert in a convertible with his girlfriend...

She says, " Drive fast, speed turns me on. I'll get undressed more the faster you drive."
He accelerates to 65 mph, she takes off her jeans.
"Ohh, yeah, go faster!"
He gets up to 80 mph, she takes off her shirt. She's just in her bra and thong.
"Baby, you know how to make a girl horny!...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mrs. Pink

Mrs. Pink lived in Pinkville in her pink house on a beautiful pink hillside. It was getting late so she decided it was time for bed. She walked up her pink staircase, down the pink hallway, turned the pink doorknob on the first pink door on the right, went in her pink bedroom lied down in her pink b...

Science jokes

Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below.


Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it.


Q:...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw someone post this on Facebook. Got a kick out of it.

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity
generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water
utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-re...

Henry ford meets god

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the Assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and sa...

Lawyer and Witness

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The following exchange took place between the lawyer
and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident
happened?"
...

The locked car...

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door ha...

Heard this joke by Reagan today-wanted to share

Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. In a car incident, Gorbachev was late from getting to the Kremlin from his house. He told the chauffer, "Look we are running late so let me drive. I insist." So He told the Chaufer to get in the back and ...

Communism Joke (apparently it was one of Ronald Reagan's favorites)

A Soviet woman is trying to buy a Lada, one of the cheap automobiles made in the former Soviet Union. The dealer tells her that there is a shortage of these cars, despite their reputation for shoddy quality. Still, the woman insists on placing an order. The dealer gets out a large, dusty ledger and ...